The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 10 - The Alien Parasite Hypothesis - full transcript

Amy finds she has sexual feelings for Penny's ex-boyfriend Zack, while Raj and Howard try to prove who would be the better superhero.

Clarify something for me.

Isn't the point of a communal meal
the exchange of ideas and opinions... opportunity to consider
important issues of the day?

It is. You just kind of put a damper
on things when you said:

"The next person I see talking with
food in their mouth will be put to death."

We could argue about
who said what all night...

...but to set things back on course...

...I will propose a new topic
of conversation.

- Oh!
- Great.

What is the best number?

By the way,
there's only one correct answer.

Five million, three hundred,
eighteen thousand and eight?

Wrong. The best number is 73.

You're probably wondering why.

- No.
RAJESH: No, we're good.

Seventy three
is the 21st prime number.

It's mirror, 37, is the 12th...

...and its mirror, 21, is the product
of multiplying... Hang on to your hats.

- Seven and three.

Heh? Heh? Did I lie?

We get it.
73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.

Chuck Norris wishes.

In binary, 73 is a palindrome:

One, zero, zero, one..., zero, one.

Which, backwards,
is one, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one.

Exactly the same.

All Chuck Norris backwards
gets you is "sirron kcuhc."

Just for the record, when you enter
5,318,008 in a calculator...

...upside down, it spells "boobies."

Remember wondering why
the girls didn't wanna eat with us?

Yeah, I get it now.

- I love your heart locket, Bernadette.
- Oh, thanks. Howard gave it to me.

It's the cutest thing.

Every time I have dinner with his mom,
the next day I get jewelry.

Did you know the Valentine's heart
is not based on the shape of a heart...

...but rather on the shape of
the buttocks of a female bending over?

Oh. So I spent seventh grade
dotting my I's with little asses?


- Hey, Penny, how's it going?
- Zack. What are you doing here?

My dad's company prints menus
for this place.

Dropping off some new ones,

Easier to clean
if people throw up on them.

- Guess how I got the idea.
- Yeah, I got it. I got it.

Ahem. Uh, Zack, these are my friends
Bernadette and Amy.

- Hi.
- Hey.


- Okay, well, it was good to see you.
- Yeah, you too.

- He's really cute. How do you know him?
- Oh, we went out a couple times.

I'm often flummoxed by current slang.

Does "went out" mean
"had intercourse"?

- Yes.
- No. No.

But in this case, yes.

- Interesting. And was it not satisfactory?
- No, it was great.

He just didn't really challenge me
on an intellectual level.

Couldn't you just fool around with him
and then listen to NPR?

Wouldn't help.
Zack can't even spell NPR.

It's what I do with Howard.

I'm much smarter than he is...

...but it's important
to protect his manhood.


- What's the matter?
- I'm suddenly feeling flushed.

My heart rate is elevated,
my palms are clammy, my mouth is dry.

In addition,
I keep involuntarily saying "hoo."

Oh, we know what's causing that,
don't we?

It's no mystery.

I obviously have the flu, coupled with
sudden-onset Tourette's syndrome.

You hear about the accident
at the bio lab?

- No.
- What happened?

They were injecting rats with radioactive
isotopes and one of the techs got bit.

Did he get super powers?

No, he got five stitches
and a tetanus shot.


Well, that's disappointing.

- Why?
- Oh.

You get bit by radioactive animal
in a lab... kind of wanna
turn into a superhero.

Yeah, but who'd wanna become
Rat Man?

Who wouldn't?

You could zip through a maze
in nothing flat...

...squeeze through small holes and
shut down restaurants in a single bound.

And the best part is,
if I were Rat Man... could be my sidekick,
Mouse Boy.

Mouse Boy?

You don't like Mouse Boy?
How about, uh, Kid Vermin?

First of all, if we had super powers,
I wouldn't be the sidekick.

- You'd be the sidekick.
- Rat Man is nobody's sidekick.

Leonard, settle this, of the two of us,
who's the obvious sidekick?

Yeah, Leonard, who?

Twelve years after high school
and I'm still at the nerd table.

Aren't you slicing that man's brain
a little too thin?

It's too thin if I were making a foot-long
brain sandwich at Quizno's.

For examination
under a two photon microscope...'s fine.

Well, you're the expert.

If the correct way to do it
is the wrong way, then I yield.

Very well, if you die and donate
your body to science...

...I promise to slice your brain
like Canadian bacon.

Thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to take my temperature.

Are you monitoring
your circadian rhythms... order to identify your periods
of maximum mental acuity?

I did that one summer.

Ah, youth.

No, I experienced distressing symptoms
last night... I'm checking
my vital signs every hour.

I'd be happy to create a chart and
participate in a differential diagnosis.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

All right. Ahem.

What were the symptoms?

Elevated heart rate, moist palms,
dry mouth...

...and localized vascular throbbing.

Localized to what region?

Ears and genitalia.


Not body parts that usually team up.

What about environmental factors?
Describe the scene for me.

I was in a restaurant with Penny
and Bernadette, drinking water.

Carbonated, as it was
a special occasion.

Penny's friend Zack stopped by
and said hello and I said "hoo."

- Who?
- Zack.

- Then why did you ask?
- Ask what?

- "Who?"
- Zack.

All right, let's start over.

What did you say
when Zack walked in?

- Hoo.
- Zack.

- Why do you keep saying Zack?
- Because you keep saying, "Who?"

I'm not saying "hoo" now,
I said "hoo" last night.

And the answer was Zack, correct?

There was no question,
I simply said, "Hoo."

All right.
I think I have enough to go on.

Possible explanations
for your symptoms are... descending order of likelihood...


...premature menopause... an alien parasite...

...or, and I only include it for the sake of
covering absolutely all bases...

...sexual arousal.

Where would I have picked up
an alien parasite?

- There you are.
- Oh, hey.

Let me ask you a question.
What are you most afraid of?

I don't know. Uh...

Nuclear war, being buried alive.
Any of those movies where you get...

...that phone call that says
you're going to die, and then you do.

No, something very specific
that we both know you...

...Rajesh Koothrappalli,
are terrified of.

Well, type two diabetes
runs in my family.

- The thought of losing a toe...
- Spiders. You're afraid of spiders.

- What the heck is this?
- A jar with a big spider in it, of course.

Bravery test. First one to take
his hand out is the sidekick.


- Are you crazy?
- Perhaps.

- Are you scared?
- No. But it's a stupid test.

Oh, really?

What if the Earth was in danger
and the only way to save it...

...was to stick your hand in a jar
with a spider?

Yeah? What if only way to save it
was to shower in the locker room...

...and let other guys see you naked?

Oh, come on.
That's never gonna happen.

Now, put your hand in the jar
or forever be revealed as my sidekick.

All right, I will.

How did you get so brave
all of a sudden?

It's easy.
The spider's crawling up your arm.


Get it off me, get it off me.

Please, Raj!


My blood work shows
thyroid function normal.

Cortisol levels normal.

How about your
follicle-stimulating hormone levels?

Sheldon, I am not going
through menopause.

Are you sure? You said that
with the testy bark of an old biddy.

I think we need to face
the cold, hard truth.

I was sexually aroused
by Penny's friend Zack.

Hang on.

I don't know that we've given the
alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake.

Let's look at this logically.
I have a stomach, I get hungry.

I have genitals, I have the potential
for sexual arousal.

A cross we all must bear.

You know,
in difficult moments like this...

...I often turn to a force greater
than myself.

- Religion?
- Star Trek.

Did you see
Star Trek: The Motion Picture?

- No.
- Don't. It's terrible.

However, in it we learn that...

...when Spock finds himself
drawn off the path of logic... feelings bubbling up
from his human half...

...he suppresses them, using the
Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinahr.

You suggesting we live our lives
guided by philosophies...

...found in cheap science fiction?
- Cheap science fiction?

What are you doing?

Using Kolinahr to suppress my anger
at that last comment.

Is it possible
that your concern for me... motivated by nothing more
than simple jealousy?

I hadn't considered that.
Give me a moment.

- All right. I've considered it.
- And?

I reject it.

You reject it
because you don't feel jealousy...

...or because you are
suppressing jealousy?

I think I'll eat my lunch at home.

That's not your lunch, Sheldon.
Those are the cadaver brain specimens.


As they were incorrectly sliced... can see how I could
mistake them for my sashimi.

- Hello.
- Hey.

Isn't tomorrow
your usual laundry night?

The supermarket was out of
my regular fabric softener.

If this one under or over-softens,
I'll need time to make things right.

That's thinking ahead.

The alternative would be
to think backwards...

...and that's just remembering.

- So how's Amy?
- Amy's changed.

I might have to let her go.

Oh, no. Why?

I thought she was a highly evolved
creature of pure intellect, like me...

...but recent events indicate that
she may be a slave to her baser urges.

Like you.

I'm just gonna skip over that insult.

What insult?

Yeah, that's why
I'm gonna skip over it.

Are you saying that Amy is...

...what's the scientific word...?

Forget science. She's horny.

Oh, okay. Wow!

It's simple biology.
There's nothing I can do about it.

Are you sure?

What are you suggesting?

I'm suggesting there might be
something you could do...

...about Amy's urges.

It's illegal to spay a human being.

Yeah, that's not what I had in mind.



- You mean something I could do.
- Exactly.

Well, I was hoping to avoid this.

But I might as well get it over with.

Thank you, Penny.

I'll let you know what happens.

Oh, Amy, you lucky girl.

Yes, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

Is this the Zack Johnson who used to
have coitus with my neighbor Penny?

Sorry to bother you.



Hello. I'm looking for a Zack Johnson...

...who used to have coitus
with my neighbor Penny.

Coitus. It means intercourse.

And I have a feeling
I'm speaking to the right Zack.

This is Sheldon Cooper.

Fine, Shelly.

Yes, that does sound like a girl's name.

No, it doesn't bother me.

Yes, Smelly Shelly does bother me.
Let me tell you why I'm calling.

I'd like to know if you'd be interested
in having sex with Amy Farrah Fowler.

Amy Farrah Fowler.

Yes, that is a girl's name.

Good grief,
it's like trying to talk to a dolphin.


This is gonna decide
who's the hero and who's the sidekick?

- You got a better idea?
- Every idea is better than this idea.


- Wait, what the hell is "ding"?
- It's a bell.

- I don't think this wrestling has a bell.
- How do you wanna start?

I say, how about one, two, three, go?

One, two, three, go?
That's for babies.

Okay. How about
"On your mark, get set, go."

That's for a foot race.
We'd have to go outside.

No, it's chilly outside.
I didn't bring my jacket.

Oh, for crying out loud.
What kind of superhero needs a jacket?

What kind of superhero says:

"Dibs on the red tights,
dibs on the red tights"?

How about this?
Ready? Wrestle.

Are we starting now...

...or you're gonna say...?
- We're starting.

Don't yell at me.

I suppose there are worse ways
to spend a Friday night.

None come to mind.

Look at this stamp.

On what authority are they permitted
to mutilate patrons as they enter?

I'm sure it will wash off.

Little comfort tonight.
I look like a Hell's Angel.

There's Zack.

Are you sure
this is what you want to do?

It's not what I want to do,
it's what I have to do.

Well, go, Amy Farrah Fowler.

Follow your endocrine system.

- Thank you. You're a good friend.
- Please don't drag this out.

This is never going to come off.

Excuse me.

Zack, I am Amy Farrah Fowler.
We met the other night.

I have spent my life
in pursuit of pure knowledge.

Until I met you, my decisions
were founded in logic and reason.

And yet here I stand before you,
130 pounds of raging estrogen...

...longing to grab hold of your
gluteus maximus...

...and make Shakespeare's
metaphorical beast with two backs.

My gluteus what?

On the other hand, as I look at the blank,
ape-like expression on your face...

...I have decided to adopt
the Vulcan practice of Kolinahr.

- Goodbye, Zack.
- Bye.

Oh, hoo!

That should hold me for a while.

I'm legally obligated to inform you
that I took a karate lesson when I was 11.

I'd be a regular ninja by now...

...if my mom
could have arranged a carpool.

Well, I've been taking
a Pilates class at the rec center.

My abs look like sections
of a Hershey bar.

Oh, yeah? Won't matter,
you're going down.

No, you're going down.

If anybody's gonna go down,
it's you.

Fellas, it's been 30 minutes
and nobody's touched each other.

I'm glad you decided to reject
your animal hindbrain...

...and return
to the realm of pure intellect.

As am I.

- What are you doing?
- An experiment.

Nope, nothing. Never mind.

You realize you can't win.

I prefer to think that I can't lose.

You're wrong. It's only a matter of time
before you fall into Rat Man's Rat Trap.

You pathetic fool. If there were a
rat catcher, wouldn't it catch Rat Man?

Just because
I didn't express myself well...

...doesn't mean my underlying point
wasn't valid, you bloviating buffoon.

You narcissistic nincompoop.

You crimson coward!

Leonard, wake up. You're missing
some excellent superhero quips.