The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - The Robotic Manipulation - full transcript

Penny ends up tagging along on Sheldon's first ever date with Amy, while Howard finds an unusual use for a robotic arm.


And now the
kung pao chicken.

Ah, yeah.


And finally,

my moo shu pork.



Oh, there you have
it, gentlemen.

Our entire dinner
unpacked by robot.

And it only took 28 minutes.


but we must be cautious.

Today, it's a Chinese food
retrieval robot.

it travels back in time

and tries to kill Sarah Connor.

I don't think that's
going to happen, Sheldon.

No one ever does.

That's why it happens.

(door opening)

Hey. Is the food here?

Ooh. What's that?

That, dear lady,

is the Wolowitz
Programmable Hand,

for extravehicular repairs

on the International
Space Station.

Ah, cool.

Ask me to pass the soy sauce.

Oh, does that come up much
on the space station?

Mostly with Asian
and Jewish astronauts.

All right. Pass the soy sauce.
Coming up.

(inhales, clears throat)

(rapid typing)

So how's work?

Oh, it's not bad.

Kind of hungry.

Yeah, we all are.

Just wait.

You realize, Penny,
that the technology

that went into this arm
will one day make

unskilled food servers
such as yourself obsolete.


They're going to make a robot
that spits on your hamburger?

I thought you
broke up with her.

Why is she here?

Okay, here we go.

Passing the soy sauce.


Put out your hand.


(Penny laughing)

That's amazing.

I wouldn't say amazing.

At best,
it's a modest leap forward

from the basic technology

that gave us
Country Bear Jamboree.

Hey, Sheldon?




No, not peace.

Hang on.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

The Big Bang Theory 4x01
The Robotic Manipulation
Original Air Date on September 23, 2010

Does NASA know you're using
that thing as a napkin holder?

You kidding? They still think
it's in a secure locker at JPL.

You stole it?


The trick is to carry it out
to your car like you own it.

(cell phone chiming)
Excuse me.


Amy's at the dry cleaners,

and she's made a very
amusing pun. (clears throat)

"I don't care
for perchloroethylene,

and I don't like glycol ether."

Get it?

She doesn't like glycol ether.

Sounds like "either."

(panting chuckle)


Who's Amy?
His girlfriend.

Sheldon has a girlfriend?
She's not my girlfriend.

How long
has this been going on?
Four months.

She's not my girlfriend.
Are you telling me, for
the past four months

I have been asking you,
"What's new?"

and you never thought
to go with,

"Sheldon has a girlfriend"?

She's not my girlfriend.

Ah... d-d-d-d...

How did they meet?

Raj and I entered Sheldon's
information on a dating site,

and it spit out
Amy Farrah Fowler.

Oh, my God!
Sheldon and Amy.

Or, as we
call them, "Shamy."

(Penny squeals)


I am so digging the Shamy.

All right,
everyone pay attention.

Yes, I have a friend
named Amy Farrah Fowler.

Yes, she is female.

Yes, we communicate
on a daily basis,

but no, she is not
my girlfriend.

Okay, well, what do
you communicate about?

Well, my work in physics,
her work in neurobiology,

and most recently,
the possibility

of our having a child together.

(robotic arm whirring)


Thank you.

Wait a minute-- a child?

You never see this girl.

You just e-mail
and text and Twitter.

Now you're considering
having a baby?

Amy pointed out
that between the two of us,

our genetic material
has the potential

of producing the first in a line

of intellectually superior,
benign overlords

to guide humanity
to a brighter tomorrow.

I'm guessing
that future historians

will condemn us
for not taking

this opportunity
to kill Sheldon.

Okay, I have
a question.

Yes, Penny.

You don't even like people
touching you.

How are you going to have sex?

Why on Earth would we have sex?

Oh, honey, did your mom
not have the talk with you?

You know, when your
private parts started growing?

I'm quite aware of the way
humans usually reproduce,

which is messy,

and based on living next
to you for three years,

involves loud and unnecessary
appeals to a deity.

Oh, God.

Yes, exactly.

if Amy and I choose

to bring new life
into this world,

it will be accomplished

with fertility experts in a lab
with petri dishes.

Which reminds me--

you have broad hips
and a certain corn-fed vigor.

Is your womb available
for rental?

Still digging the Shamy?

Look, Sheldon,

before you race off to
the fertility clinic,

you might want
to think about--

uh, gee, I don't know--

maybe actually spending
some time with her.

You mean dating?

I can't date Amy.
Why not?

She's not my girlfriend.

Okay, look, don't think of it
as dating a girlfriend.

Think of it as, uh...

getting to know
the future mother of your child.


I hadn't considered that.

I suppose she will have
to have access to our progeny.

And you don't think
I can achieve

the required intimacy
via text messaging?

Probably not.


It would appear as if

the phone companies
have been lying to me.


Penny. Penny.

You do realize I stand
on the other side of the door

waiting for you to finish
knocking three times.

I know. I can see the shadow
of your feet under the door.

Yeah, my point is
it's a waste of time.

If you're looking for an example

of a waste of time,
I would refer you

to the conversation
we're having right now.

What do you want?

I've decided to take your advice
and have arranged

to go on a date
with Amy Farrah Fowler.

Oh, that's great.

Have fun.

You have to drive me.

You know I don't drive.

Well, go ask Leonard.
I did.

He said-- and I quote--
"Ask Penny.

It was her cockamamy idea."

Leonard said "cockamamy"?

Actually, I'm paraphrasing.

Having been raised
in a Christian household,

I'm uncomfortable
with the language he used.

And to be honest,

I'm not entirely comfortable
with "cockamamy."

Okay, fine. When's the date?


Hurry. We're going to be late.

did it ever occur to you

that I might have other plans?

I'm sorry.

Do you have other plans?

Well, no, not per se, but...

So this conversation
is as pointless

as your door-knocking soliloquy?

Let me get my...
cockamamy keys.

Oh, God, that feels so good.


Yeah, that's the spot.

Oh, baby.

MRS. WOLOWITZ (yelling):
Howard, dinner's ready!

I'll eat later.

I'm busy!

Oh, yeah.

Just like a real hand.


Thank you
for driving me.

You're welcome.

I wish you weren't
wearing flip-flops.

It's dangerous
to drive in flip-flops.


I just don't want to be
yet another flip-flop fatality.

Can I ask you
a question?

Given your
community college education,

I encourage you to ask me
as many as possible.

Yeah. (clears throat)
Well, my question is--

and I'm pretty sure
I know the answer--

is this your first date?

That depends.

Does square-dancing
with my sister

at a Teens for Jesus
Fourth of July Hoedown

count as a date?


Then, this is my first date.

Okay. Well, then,
there's a couple of things

you should probably know.

I have a master's degree
and two doctorates.

The things I should know,
I do know.

My point is, I know more
about dating than you,

and if you were as smart
as you think you are,

you would listen to me.

If you know so much,
how come I have a date tonight

and you have nothing better
to do than drive me to it?

Fair point.

You know,
there's something

I've always wondered
about Aquaman.

Where does he poop?


What would a toilet
look like in Atlantis?

How would you flush it?

And when you did flush it,
where would the poop go?

(cell phone ringing)

Hold that thought.

Hey, Howard.
What's going on?


Hold on.
Howard, Howard, slow down.

The robot hand
is stuck on your what?

You're not going
to believe this.

(clears throat)

So, um, Amy,
Sheldon tells me

you're a neuro...


Your "check engine" light is on.

Yeah, it's okay.

But the light indicates...

Don't bother.

I've wasted many an hour

tilting at
that particular windmill.

Uh, what is that
scent you're wearing?

It smells great.

Dandruff shampoo.

I have dry scalp.


Well, your hair
looks very nice.

Are you a homosexual?

No, no, I'm just giving
you a compliment.


Would have been more flattered
if you were a homosexual.

Guys, how 'bout
some music?

Oh, no, I wouldn't
care for that.


No, thank you.


silence it is.

Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy

what it was like for you
growing up in Texas?


Well, why don't
you tell her?

All right.

It was hell.

Any follow up, Amy?


I myself grew
up in Nebraska.

Small town
outside of Omaha.

Nice place, mostly family farms,
a few meth labs.

I'm sorry, how is this better
than uncomfortable silence?

I don't know.

I was just trying something.


You slipped and fell
into a robot hand?


Penis first?

Yes. Now, help me!

I'd suggest a lubricant,
but I have a feeling

you fell on some
of that as well.


Not funny, Leonard.

Really? A robot hand's got
a death grip on your junk, dude.

That's funny, ask anyone.

(both laugh)

Plea-- before my mother
walks in, get this off me!

Okay, let's see.

No, no!
Don't touch.

The program
is paused.

Well, then let's
un-pause it.

No, no! I loaded
the wrong program.

The hand thinks it's holding
a screwdriver in outer space.

If you continue the program,
it's gonna start twisting.

A-All right.

Um, how about this.

When-when Winnie the Pooh
got his head stuck

in the honey tree,
his friends all grabbed onto him

and pulled and pulled.

You do what you want,

I'm not touching another
man's honey tree.


All right, uh,
forget pulling.

How about we get
an electric saw and cut it off?

What?! No saws!

One circumcision was enough.

How about an
acetylene torch?

Okay, I can't believe
this needs to be said out loud.

No pulling, no saws, no torches.

Well, then what do
you want us to do?

MRS. WOLOWITZ (yelling):
Howard, I made cookies for you

and your little friends!

That's great, Mom, thanks!

I'll bring them up
with some Hawaiian Punch!

Don't come up here!

Why not?! Are you
ashamed of your mother?!

Yes, but that's not the point!

Get me out of here.

You have any ideas, Raj?

Right now, all I can think about
is cookies and Hawaiian Punch.

Hey, here's another possible
topic of conversation.

This is a big night for Sheldon.

Right, Sheldon?

Big night?

The winter solstice
is a big night.

It's over 14 hours

in Southern California.

That's an amusing factoid.

Thank you.

No, no.

My point is, uh, tonight is
Sheldon's first official date.


Is this true?

Apparently, a semi-incestuous
Teens for Jesus

Fourth of July Hoedown
didn't count.

So, um, Amy, what about you?

Do you date much?

Once a year.

It's a deal I made
with my mother in exchange for

her silence on the matter,
as well as the occasional use

of her George Foreman Grill

that seals in the flavor
without the fat.

How about you, Penny?

Do you go on many dates?

Uh, yeah, I wouldn't say many.

A few.

(panting chuckle)

(panting chuckle)?

Your characterization of

approximately 171 different men
as "a few."


Where did you
get 171 men?

Simple extrapolation.

In the three years
that I've known you,

you were single for two.

During that time,
I saw 17 different suitors.

If we work backwards,
correcting for observation bias

and postulate an initial
dating age of 15...

Whoa, wait,
wait, wait.

I did not start dating at 15.

I'm sorry. Sixteen?


My mistake.

Now, assuming the left side
of a bell curve

peaking around the present,
that would bring the total

up to 193 men.

Plus or minus eight men.


Did you have sexual intercourse
with all of these men?


Although that number would be

fairly easy
to calculate.

Based on the number of
awkward encounters I've had

with strange men leaving
her apartment in the morning,

plus the number of times

she's returned home
wearing the same clothes

she wore the night before...

Okay, Sheldon, I think
you've made your point.

So we multiply 193--

minus 21 men
before the loss of virginity--

so 172

times 0.18 gives us...

30.96 sexual partners.

Let's round that up to 31.

Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong.

That is not even close
to the real number.

I'm gonna need
a drink over here.

This is very interesting.

Cultural perceptions
are subjective.

Penny, to your mind,
are you a slut?

No! No!


Let's just all finish
our dinners, okay?

This is
an interesting topic.

How many sexual encounters
have you had?

Does volunteering
for a scientific experiment

in which orgasm was achieved
by electronically

stimulating the pleasure centers
of the brain count?

I should think so.

Then 128.

Okay, come on.

Almost there.

Don't tug.
No tugging.

Next time, take your own advice.

Excuse me,
could you help us out?

My, my, my.

What do we have here?

I slipped and fell.

Yeah, we get that a lot.

What is this?

It's a robot arm.

Where's the rest of the robot?

I only built the arm.

'Cause that's all
you needed, right?

(both chuckle)

Can you please
just help me?!

All right, all right.

Hang on, stay calm.

(over P.A.): I need an orderly
with a wheelchair.

I got a robot hand grasping
a man's penis out here.

You think you could be
a little more discreet?

I'm sorry,
we don't have a code for

"robot hand
grasping a man's penis."

Why is it hooked up
to a computer?

Uh, it's what
controls the arm.

But it's frozen.

Did you try turning it off
and back on again?

No, you see, it's more
complicated than that.

No, wait!

Winnie the Pooh
is out of the honey tree.

Now can we have cookies
and Hawaiian Punch?

You were right.

This was a very
productive evening.

I saw a whole new side of
Amy Farrah Fowler tonight.

I did not have
sex with 31 guys.

I'll be happy
to check the math,

but numbers
don't lie, Penny.

In any event,

now that Amy and I have
spent quality time together,

I feel much
more confident

proceeding to the next
stage of our relationship.

And that is?

Using in vitro

and a surrogate uterus to
gift humanity with our progeny.

You're still
on that?

In these uncertain times,
doesn't humanity deserve a gift?

Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna come at this
in a whole new way.

Sheldon, if you try to make
a baby with Amy in a petri dish,

I'm gonna tell
your mother on you.

That's no threat.

My mother's always
wanted a grandchild.

Really? Your deeply religious
born-again Christian mother

wants a test-tube grandbaby
born out of wedlock?


If I'd thought of that
in the first place,

I could've saved myself
this whole night.

Well, it's not that late.

You could still go out
and look for number 32.

Good night.

Hey, Howard,
what's up?

I've decided
not to procreate.

Yeah, yeah, great.

Howard, uh, slow down.

What do you mean
it happened again?