The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency - full transcript

Penny is forced to turn to Sheldon for help when she dislocates her shoulder in the bathtub. Meanwhile, the rest of the guys accidentally get stoned in the desert while waiting for a meteor shower.

How much time do we have?

Uh, T-minus five hours,
37 minutes to onset of meteor shower.

Okay, our position
is 34.48 degrees north, 118.31 west.

That means the azimuth
should be 168.22 degrees...

...relative to magnetic north
with an elevation of 49.93.

- Anything yet?
- Uh, we have a signal...

- ...but no frame lock.
- Hang on. How about now?

We did it. Ha, ha.
We have the West Coast feed of HBO.

Ooh, Real Sex.

Big deal. Every time I watch that...'s old women putting condoms
on cucumbers.

All right,
let's see what's on the East Coast feed.

Oh, hey. Dune.

Not a great movie,
but look at that beautiful desert.

Too bad Sheldon couldn't come with us.

It's just not the same without him.

That was good. That was good.

Oh, this sucks.
I'm switching back to Real Sex.

Sheldon's log.

Stardate 63345.3.

While my colleagues are off
observing the Leonid meteor shower...

...I've remained behind
to complete my paper...

...on the decays
of highly excited massive string states.

Although my research is going well...

...I do miss the warmth
of human companionship.

And good evening to you, Siam Palace.

This is Sheldon Cooper.

I'm going to be dining alone
this evening... I'll be reducing my usual order.

I'd like to start with one quarter
of the Assorted Appetizers Plate...

...and one half
of the Golden Treasure for two...

Oh, for heaven's sake.
In the mid-18th century...

...King Rama IV of Siam
divided a huge empire...

...amongst the colonial powers of Europe
to preserve his throne.

Surely you, his cultural descendant,
can handle pad thai and dumplings.

Sheldon, help!

I need to go, but you keep in mind...

...recently took down
a local muffin store.

Penny. Penny. Penny.

Come in! Hurry!

- Penny?
- I'm back here.

Penny. Penny. Penny.

Oh, for God's sakes, I'm in the bathroom.

Shall I come back at a better time?

Get in here!


Don't you dare knock.


I slipped in the shower.
I think I dislocated my shoulder.

Not surprising.

You have no safety mat
or adhesive stickers... allow for purchase on a surface
with a low coefficient of static friction.


Tubs are slippery.

I know. I slipped.

I have a series of whimsical duck stickers
on the bottom of my tub.

Whatever. Will you just
turn the water off and help me up?

- They're holding umbrellas.
- Unh.

- What?
- The ducks in my tub.

Unh. Uh-huh.

They're whimsical,
because ducks have neither a need for...

...nor the ability to use umbrellas.

Oh, my God.
I gotta go to the emergency room.

Assuming you're correct
that your humerus... no longer seated
in the glenoid socket, I would think so.

- Can you drive me?
- I don't drive.

Well, I can't drive.

Well, it seems we've reached an impasse.


I could call you a cab or an ambulance.

No, no, no, I can't wait that long.
You gotta help me. Please?

All right. Let it never be said
that Sheldon Lee Cooper...

...ignored the pleas
of a damsel in distress.

No one's saying that. Let's go.

It does seem rather ironic that
for want of 99-cent adhesive ducks...

...we both might die in a fiery car crash.

I wish Penny didn't have to work.
She loves camping.

That would've been great.
You and Penny having sex in the tent...

...while I sit out here
and watch Howard hump a cactus.

Okay, the best I can tell,
there are eight other campsites nearby.

Mostly science nerds like us,
but just over yon ridge...

...are two not unattractive
middle-school teachers...

...who reek of desperation.

- Wonderful. How old are they?
- I don't know, 50, 55?

Oh, menopause. Heh.

Nature's birth control.

Come on. You guys can't be that hard up.

- I am.
- Yeah, me too.

Look, they gave me homemade cookies.

Of course they did.
That's what grandmothers do.

- So, what are we waiting for?
- Relax.

I said we'd stop by a little later,
after they have their nap.

- Good idea. They'll be refreshed.
- Yeah.

- Cookie?
- Thank you.


- Mm. Not bad.
- Yeah, very tasty.

Tell me more about these teachers.

Not much to tell.
They had a VW Microbus...

...and were wearing
tie-dyed Grateful Dead T-shirts.

Huh. Hm.

Good cookies.

I see no organizational system
in here whatsoever.

Which panties do you wear on Mondays?

I don't need panties.
I just need shorts and a shirt.

Mother always told me
one should wear clean underpants...

- case one is in an accident.
- One was already in an accident.

Doesn't mean one won't be in another,
especially if I drive.

- Clothes, Sheldon. I need clothes.
- Okay.

- Here.
- Seriously? Those shorts with that top?

All right.



Oh, that's cute.

We should have you checked
for a concussion.

Okay, now you gotta help me
put these on.

- All right.
- But don't look.

- Don't look?
- I don't want you to see me naked.

Oh. Well, that's understandable.

You may be interested to know
that a prohibition against looking... well established
in heroic mythology.

Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa...

- ...Orpheus and Eurydice...
- Great.

They always look. It never ends well.

You gotta help me
get my arm into the sleeve.


Is that my arm?

Doesn't feel like an arm.

Then maybe you should let it go.


Stars are pretty, aren't they?

Up above the world so high.

Like little diamonds in the sky.

That's beautiful, dude.

You should write that down
before someone steals it.

So when do the meteors get here?

The meteors don't get here.
The Earth is moving into their path.

I can feel it.

I can feel the Earth moving. Heh.

It's moving too fast. Raj, slow it down.

Okay, how's that?

Better, thanks.

Stars are pretty, aren't they?

What's so funny?

It's your American accent. Everything
you say sounds stupid. Ha-ha-ha.

"Stars are pretty, aren't they?"

For the record, I should let you know...

...this is my first time
driving an actual motor vehicle.

- You have your learner's permit, right?
- Yes.

And I've logged a considerable number
of hours on a simulator.

- Good.
- Didn't work out well.

- All right. Can we go?
- One moment.

According to my Driver's Ed book,
the side mirror is properly adjusted...

...when a portion of the driver's door
handle is visible in the lower right corner.

There's the handle. Back. Too far.

Bringing it back.

Optimized. Ahem.

Now, where is the switch
to adjust the passenger-side mirror?

It's right there.

Where is the passenger-side mirror?

In a parking lot in Hollywood.

- Now, can we please go?
- Yes. Soon as I adjust my seat.


Oh, dear. I'm gonna have to start again.

If I could speak the language of rabbits...

...they would be amazed
and I would be their king.

I hate my name.

It has "nerd" in it.


I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeanie.

I would be kind to my rabbit subjects.

At first.

You know what's a cool name?


That has "angel" and "Jell-O" in it.

It was my Uncle Murray's funeral.

We were all back
at my Aunt Barbara's house.

Our eyes locked over the pickled herring.

We never meant for it to happen.

One day, I hold a great ball
for the president of France.

But the rabbits,
they hate me and don't come.

I'm embarrassed, so I eat all the lettuce
in the world and make them watch.

People could call me Angie.

"Yo, Angie. How's it going?"

To this day,
I can't look at pickled herring...

...without being aroused and ashamed.

Oh, cousin Jeanie.

Could you please drive a little faster?

Oh, I think we're going sufficiently fast.

- What's that?
- Nothing.

- The engine does that sometimes.
- It can't be nothing.

The "check engine" light is on.
We need a service station.

The light's been on
since I bought the car.

All the more reason to consult
with a mechanic before it explodes.

It's not gonna explode. Just keep driving.

Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.

Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise.

He was the science officer.

I guarantee that if he saw the Enterprise's
"check engine" light blinking...

...he would
pull the ship over immediately.

Oh, God, I'm gonna lose the arm.

Oop. Red light. Release accelerator...

...and slowly apply the brake.

Nailed it.

While we have a moment...

- ...may I ask you a question?
- What?

Why do you have
the Chinese character for "soup"...

...tattooed on your right buttock?

- It's not "soup." It's "courage."
- No, it isn't.

I suppose it does take courage... demonstrate
that kind of commitment to soup.

How did you see it?
You said you wouldn't look.

Sorry. As I told you,
the hero always peeks.

- Anything?
- No, that was the last pudding cup.


What about Slim Jims?

That's what he used
to eat his pudding, remember?

Right. That was so good.

Sweetie and meaty at the same time.

Wait, wait, wait.
So you're saying we're out of food?

The only thing in here are blue-ice packs.

I know they're poison...

...but they look like
big, yummy Otter Pops.

- Oh, God, I am so hungry.
- Me too.

Check and see
if we have any more pudding.


All right. There's no need to bark at me.

According to the inexplicably
irritable nurse behind the desk...'re after the man who claims
to be having a heart attack...

...but appears to be well enough
to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone.

We have to fill these out.

"Describe illness or injury."

I dislocated my shoulder.

All right.

And "how did the accident occur?"

You already know that.

Cause of accident:
lack of adhesive ducks.

Okay, medical history.

- Have you been diagnosed with diabetes?
- No.

- Kidney disease?
- No.

- Migraines?
- Getting one.

- Are you currently pregnant?
- No.

Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.

Change migraine to "yes."

- "When was your last menstrual period?"
- Oh, next question.

I'll put "in progress."

Okay. Moving to psychiatric disorders.

"List all major behavioral diagnoses,
e.g. depression, anxiety, etc."

What the hell does this have to do
with my stupid shoulder?

Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.

- Ass.
- Possible Tourette's.

All right.
"Moles, lesions or other skin conditions."

"Soup" tattoo on right buttock.

Okay, Sheldon. Sheldon, look.
I am scared and in a lot of pain.

Could you please take a break
from being you for just a minute...

...and try being,
I don't know, comforting?

Ahem. I'm sorry.

There, there.

Everything's going to be fine.

Sheldon's here.

Thanks. That's much better.

Oh, I'm so hungry.

Will you shut up? We're all hungry.

Okay, our objective
is the Boy Scout campsite to the east.

Easy target. Big, doughy scoutmaster,
couple of Cubs, mostly Webelos.

What kind of score?

Hot dogs, buns, s'mores.
I mean, it's a freaking 7-Eleven.

- All right. Everyone grab flashlights.
- Okay.

Oh, my God. Could it be? Yes!

My mother put an "I love you" brisket
in my backpack!

- Quick, get forks.
- Don't need forks.

It's so tender, it falls apart in your hands.

- He's right.
- Yes.

I feel like
we're forgetting something important.

Me too, but what?

Maybe a Tupperware bowl
of roasted potatoes and carrots?



Now remember... were given powerful
pain medication and a muscle relaxer... don't operate heavy machinery.

Try not to choke on your own drool.

Wait. You have to help me get into bed.

Sheldon has to get me into bed.

Bet you never thought I'd say that.


The charm of your drug-addled candor
knows no bounds.

You know, people think
you're this weird robot man...

...who's so annoying all the time,
and you totally are.

But then it's like that movie Wall-E
at the end.

You're so full of love
and you can save a plant...

...and get fat people
out of the floaty chairs.

That's a fairly labored metaphor,
but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.

Sing "Soft Kitty" to me.

"Soft Kitty" is for when you're sick.
You're not sick.

Injured and drugged is a kind of sick.

Soft kitty, warm kitty
Little ball of fur

Wait, wait. Let's sing it as a round.

I'll start.

Soft kitty, warm kitty
Little ball of fur

See, that's where you come in.
I'll start over.

Soft kitty, warm kitty
Little ball of fur

I've got all night, Sheldon.

Soft kitty, warm kitty

- Little ball of fur
- Soft kitty, warm kitty

- Little ball of fur
- Happy kitty, sleepy kitty

- Happy kitty, sleepy kitty
- Purr, purr, purr

Purr, purr, purr

And the next morning when he woke up,
he rolled over and realized...

Da, da, da!

- -she was his cousin.

That's still not funny.

"That's still not funny."

And she was my second cousin.

"And she was my second cousin."

You're a real douche.

Who cares? You slept with your cousin.