The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Cornhusker Vortex - full transcript

Leonard tries to learn about football to fit in with Penny's friends. Meanwhile, a loss in a kite war threatens to end Raj and Howard's friendship.

- Kites ho!
- Kites ho!

Kites ho!

Kites ho!

Excuse me.
You're misusing the word "ho."

It's an interjection used to call attention
to a destination, not an object.

As in, uh, "Land ho!"
or, uh, "Westward ho!"

Kites ho!

Hey, guys. What are you doing?

Going out to discover electricity?

If you refer to the work of Benjamin
Franklin, he did not discover electricity.

He merely used a kite to determine
that lightning consists of electricity.

He also invented the Franklin stove,
bifocals and the flexible urinary catheter.

- Kites ho.
- We're heading out for some kite fighting.

- Kite fighting?
- Oh, yeah.

It's an extremely competitive,
cutthroat sport.

Well, actually,
the risk of throat-cutting is very low.

On the other hand, severe string burn
is a real and ever-present danger.

- Uh, you wanna come watch?
- Oh, gee, ha, sounds amazing.

But, um, I've got some friends
coming over.

We're just gonna watch
the Nebraska game.

Oh, football, sure.

Good guess.

I would've invited you,
but you're not a fan.

No. No, I'm not. So, great.

You've got plans
doing something you like...

...I've got plans doing something I like,
so it's good.

Maybe we'll hang out
after everybody's gone.

- Yeah, great.
- See you.

Well, this sucks.

I'm sorry, I got bored and drifted off.

Where exactly in the interaction
did the sucking lie?

Leonard realized Penny's hiding him
from her friends...

...because he's a tiny little man
who flies kites.

Oh, that certainly would suck.

Wolowitz is trying to outflank us.

Let out some string, add altitude,
I'll go under and cut his line.

Why wouldn't Penny
want her friends to meet me?

Focus, Leonard, focus.

The heat of battle is upon us.
The dogs of war are unleashed.

Maybe Koothrappali's right,
maybe I embarrass her.

You're embarrassing me.

A grown man worrying
about such nonsense.

We're in the middle of flying kites.

- Sorry.
- Sorry won't bring their kites down.

Ouch! String burn. String burn.

Oh, they think we're flanking.
They're playing right into our hands.

At the count of three,
we execute the flying scissor.

- One, two, thre...
- Whoa.

- You see that?
- See what?

- That chick. She smiled at me.
- No, she didn't.

- She did.
- Come on, scissors, scissors.

- Hold my line.
- What? I can't scissors by myself.

Howard, come back!


Son of a bitch.

You're a sucky friend, you know that?

A sucky, sucky friend.

What was I supposed to do?
She gave me that come-hither look.

If she gave you any look at all,
it was a you-suck look.

I would've caught up to her
if I hadn't pulled a hammy.

Oh, please, you weigh 80 pounds,
you don't have a hammy.

So Penny doesn't want me around her
friends. I embarrass her. What else?

Well, her actions could be
out of concern for your feelings.

Perhaps she's excluded you
from these gatherings...

...because she's scouting for a new mate
and doesn't wanna do it in front of you.

Oh, how kind of her.

Agreed. Most primates don't show
that sort of discretion.

A female bonobo will copulate with
a new male in front of the old one...

...without so much as a,
"How do you do?"

You always do this. Ditch me
for a woman you don't have a shot with.

- I totally had a shot.
- With a woman you were chasing in a park.

That's not a shot, that's a felony.

What's worse, it cost me
my prized Patang fighting kite.

I don't suppose there's any chance
you could give me my kite back?

I'm sorry, Raj,
but the rules of aerial warfare dictate...

...that the fallen kite go to the victor.

And without rules,
the competition has no meaning.

And without meaning, the following
would be an empty gesture:

I have your kite, I have your kite

- Hey.
- Hi.

How was your football party?

- It was pretty good, we won.
- Oh, wow, that's excellent.

Weird figure of speech, isn't it?

"We won,"
when you weren't actually playing.

When we watch Star Wars, we don't say,
"W e defeated the Empire." Ha, ha.

I'm glad to hear it.

Oh, hey, on a related subject...

...are you embarrassed
to have me around your friends?

Oh, my God, no.
Why would you ask that?

Well, you know, I just noticed
I haven't really met any of them.

- Sure you have.
- Well, yeah, no.

I met the huge ex-boyfriend...

...and the smaller-yet-still-larger-than-me

By the way, were they here today?

- Of course not.
- Why would they? Why would I ask?

Why am I rambling?
Why don't you stop me?

Leonard, look, if you wanna meet
my friends, that would be great.

I just... You know,
I didn't want you to be bored.

I wouldn't be bored.
Why would I be bored?

Well, because they're not
genius scientists.

Penny, I like all sorts of people.

In fact, some of my best friends
aren't geniuses.

Like who?

Okay, some of my Facebook friends
aren't geniuses.

But... My point is,
if we're gonna be a couple...

- ...I should be friends with your friends.
- Okay, great.

Why don't you come over next Saturday
and watch the game?

Another football game?

They have them every week.

Did not know that.

- You wanted to meet my friends.
- Sure.

I don't know much about football.

The guys' girlfriends
don't know football.

They just kind of drink
and talk in the kitchen.


Looking left, he's got nothing.

- He drops off a screen, out of bounds...
- Okay, a completed pass.

First down, New England.

- I think I'm starting to get this.
- Really?

The only thing I've learned is that
American men love drinking beer...

...pee too often,
and have trouble getting erections.

Focus on the game,
not the commercials, Raj.

If people cut back on the beer,
you could get out the bathroom...

...and satisfy your women
without pharmaceutical help.

Raj, what are you doing here?

You were supposed to help me
pimp out my Vespa.

Are you under the impression
that we're still friends?


Come on, you're not still grinding
on the kite thing, are you?

It's not just the kite thing.

Every time we go someplace,
you dump me...

...whenever someone pretty comes
even though you don't have a shot.

I had a shot with that jogger.

Fine. Paint green flames
on your little scooter with her.

It's not a little scooter.

It's the second-biggest Vespa
they make!

You're watching football?

There's no fooling you.

Now, what is this "sacks" statistic
they put up there?

All I know about Saks
is my mother shops there.

Sacks, sacks.

It's football nomenclature
for when a quarterback... tackled behind the line
of scrimmage.



The line of scrimmage
is the imaginary transverse line...

...separating the offense
from the defense.


Sheldon knows football?

- Apparently.
- I mean, Quidditch, sure. But football?

- Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
- I grew up in Texas.

Football is ubiquitous in Texas.

There's pro football, college football,
high school football, peewee football...

In fact, every form of football
except the original, European football.

Which most Texans believe
to be a commie plot.

- Unbelievable.
- If interested...

...I also know all about frying meat
that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.

So you could teach me?

Football or chicken-fried meats?

Football. I'm going to Penny's
to watch a game with her friends.

I don't wanna look like an idiot.
I wanna blend in.

If you wanna blend in...

...I'd think looking like an idiot
would be the perfect camouflage.

Sheldon, teach me football.
It'll be fun.

That's exactly what my father said.

"Come to the games.
Watch the games."

Week in and week out,
from the time I was 5...

...until I went off to college.
Longest seven years of my life.

Please, I'm asking you as a friend.

Are you making this
a tier-one friendship request?

- Yes.
- Fine.

- I really appreciate this.
- Yeah, yeah.

All right, poindexter,
sit down, shut up and listen.

I'm sorry?

Oh, that's how my father
always began our football conversations.

And if you'd like, after the game,
I'll teach you... to shoot close enough
to a raccoon that it craps itself.

When are you gonna stop
making Cylon toast?

When I have enough to destroy
the human toast...

...on the Battlestar
known as Galactica.

Is that what you're wearing
to watch football?

- What's wrong with a football jersey?
- Nothing.

That, however,
appears to be a football cocktail dress.

It's the smallest size they had.

Except the one for dogs.

I can't believe they had one for dogs.

Oh, yes. Canine football fans
are a common sight in Texas.

Cats, however,
refuse to wear sporting apparel.

My sister found that out the hard way.

- Anyway, wish me luck.
- Leonard, wait.

Am I correct in assuming
that your attempt... be accepted by Penny's peers
is based on your desire to ensure...

...your continuing mating privileges
with her?

Well, I wouldn't put it
exactly that way.

How would you put it?

Yeah, okay, like you said.

Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble
to go through for intercourse.

Don't you have access to women
who will do it for money?

By the way, another accepted usage
for the term "ho."

Goodbye, Sheldon.

Now, hold on.

I believe that social convention dictate
you not arrive empty-handed.

Would you like to bring
some Cylon toast?

Yeah, no, I'm trying to fit in,
not get laughed at.

What's funny about Cylon toast?

It's open.

Hey, pal.

What do you want?

I brought you a little gift.

New kite.

The kite you made me lose
was an authentic Patang.

An Indian kite my brother sent
to me from New Delhi.

It took me a day to put together
and two days to paint.

This is Hello Kitty.

Yeah, but it comes
with a little coin purse.

Does a Patang?

Wow, you just don't get it, do you?

Buying me something pretty isn't gonna
make our problem just go away.

Look, I admit I haven't always been
the best friend I could be.

You've been a sucky friend.
A sucky, sucky friend.

- Stipulated.
- And you do it all the time.

Last week, we were looking for a phone
with giant numbers for your mother...

- ...and I realize you're not even there.
- I know.

And where were you?

Getting shot down by the girl
at Hot Dog on a Stick.

But in my defense, she was gorgeous.

And working that squeezer
to make the lemonade...

...going up and down
and up and down...

It was like a free pole dance
right in the middle of the food court.

You're impossible.

Hey, at least I can talk to women
without being drunk.

Excuse me, I have selective mutism,
a recognized medical disorder.

You're just a douche.

No. You know what?

Maybe that's what this whole thing
is about.

You're not mad at me.
You're mad at yourself.

No, I'm mad at you.
I hate myself, but I'm mad at you.

Look, fine. You're mad at me. I get it.

How about we go
spend the day together?

Just the two of us.
We'll go anywhere you want.

I don't know.

Come on.

Let me take you someplace nice.

I do enjoy the La Brea Tar Pits.

Really? Now?
With the traffic and the parking? It...

Okay, fine. The Tar Pits. Let's go.

Oh, why can't I stay mad at you?

- Yeah.
- Ha-ha-ha.

- Breaks tackle.
- Go, go.

- He breaks another.
- Go! Yes!

Are you people watching this?
Is this amazing or what?

Sweetie, that's a highlight
from the '98 championship game.

Oh. Did not know that. Ha.

- How much beer have you had?
- None, why?

Oh. Just kind of hoping you were drunk.

- Now we're back live.
- Okay, yeah.

No, I can see the difference.

- That's intentional grounding.
- Totally.

That completely was a forward pass...

...which they threw intentionally
incomplete to avoid loss of yardage...

...or to conserve time.

I can't believe they're not penalized
with the loss of a down...

...and by having to move the line of
scrimmage back to the spot of the foul.

- Here. Have some pizza, sweetie.
- Penny, you know I'm lactose intolerant.

I know.
I just need you to stop talking.

Penny. Penny. Penny.

- Sheldon, come in.
- Thank you.

I'd like to make a sandwich,
but I'm out of bread.

- There's some in the fridge.
- You shouldn't keep bread in the fridge.

Staleness is caused
by crystallization of the starch...

...which occurs faster
at cool temperatures.

On Earth, we say, "Thank you."

So, Leonard, how goes the mimesis?

- Mimesis?
- You know, mimesis.

An action in which the mimic
takes on the properties...

...of a specific object or organism.


What the hell are you talking about?

I'm attempting
to communicate with you...

...without my meaning becoming
apparent to those around you.

Let me try again.

Have the indigenous fauna
accepted you as one of their own?

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Oh, I guess so.

Good. Oh, FYI,
after I eat my sandwich...

...I'm taking Koothrappali's Patang kite
out for a test run.

Would you get your Delta Wing Raptor
and join me?

I don't wanna fly kites, Sheldon.
Come on, we're watching football here.

I can see that.
I was providing you with an alternative.

A courtesy I was never offered
in similar circumstances.

Oh, look at that. The Oklahoma coach
has thrown down a red flag...

...indicating he's challenging
the ruling on the field.

Hope he's right, because if he's not,
it'll cost him one of his three timeouts.

You know, Leonard, honey...

...I wouldn't mind if you wanted
to go fly kites with Sheldon.

I'll watch the end of the game.
There's three minutes left.

Until halftime.

This is just half?

We've been here for hours.

- You're gonna be here for a couple more.
- Oh, you're kidding.

- No.
- Nice meeting all of you.

So, yeah, anyway,
that's my boyfriend.

He is really smart.

I really like my saber-toothed cat.
Thank you.

My pleasure.

Maybe after lunch we can go
to Marie Callender's and have some pie.

- I'd like that.
- Heh.

This is turning out to be
a perfect Saturday.

Good, I'm glad.

Oh, man. Did you see the way
she smiled at me?

Fine. Go ahead.

No. This is our day.

If you wanna chase after her,
chase after her.

Oh, who am I kidding? I wouldn't
have a shot with a girl like that.

Don't put yourself down.
You're very attractive.

- You think so?
- Yeah.

It wouldn't kill you to take a Pilates class
with me now and then...

...but you have a certain wiry appeal.

Yeah, well, it doesn't matter,
because she wasn't really smiling at me.

In this case, I think she was.

- Really?
- Yeah.


What a douche.