The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 22 - The Staircase Implementation - full transcript

Leonard tells Penny about how he and Sheldon became roommates and what happened to the elevator.

Okay, Babydoll Pink, let's see
if you can cover up the fact

that I got my dad's feet.

It's just two degrees, Sheldon.

I just want to turn up the
thermostat two degrees!

Let me point out that two
degrees can be the difference

between water and steam.

Yes, if we lived in a teakettle.

This is the temperature
you agreed to

in the roommate agreement.

Aw, screw the roommate agreement!

No, you don't screw the
roommate agreement.

The roommate agreement screws you.

You know what, go to Hell
and set their thermostat.

I don't have to go to Hell.

At 73 degrees, I'm there already!

Who is it?


Hang on.

Can I sleep on your couch tonight?

Uh, well, you can try,

but the people across the
hall are being very noisy.

You heard that, huh?

Apparently, the one fella tried
to adjust the thermostat,

then the other fella
went bat-crap crazy.

So you agree, he's nuts.

Well, not as nuts as the guy
who chooses to live with him.

Believe it or not,
he was worse when I met him.

Oh, I do not believe that.

You are so naive.

Just like I was seven years ago.

I'd just started at the university.

Excuse me, I'm looking

for Sheldon Cooper's apartment.

Oh, I bet you're here to
check out the room for rent.

Yeah. Run away, dude.


Run fast, run far.

That should have
been my first clue.

♪ Our whole universe was
in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We
built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

The Big Bang Theory 3x22
The Staircase Implementation
Original Air Date on May 17, 2010

So Sheldon's last roommate
tried to warn you off?

For all I knew,
he was the crazy one.

He had this really deranged look.

Well, yeah, he'd been
living with Sheldon.

Sure, it makes sense now.

Anyway, I went upstairs
and knocked on the door.


Dr. Cooper?

No, you want the crazy
guy across the hall.

In retrospect, that was clue
number two.


I'm Leonard Hofstadter.

I called you about the apartment.
You said...

I know what I said.

I know what you said.

I know what my mother
said on March 5, 1992.

What is the sixth noble gas?

What? You said you're a scientist.

What is the sixth noble gas?

Uh, radon?

Are you asking me or telling me?

Telling you?

Telling you.

All right, next question.

Kirk or Picard?

Oh, uh, well, that's tricky.

Um, Original Series over
Next Generation,

but Picard over Kirk.


You've passed the first
barrier to roommate-hood.

You may enter.

Oh, this is pretty nice.

Uh, the bedrooms are back there?

That depends.

I don't understand--

their existence is conditional?

No, but your ability to perceive
their existence is conditional

on you passing the second
and third barriers.

There's three?

Each more daunting than the last.

Have a seat.


No! That's where I sit!

What's the difference?

This seat is ideally located

both in relation to the
heat source in the winter

and a cross breeze in the summer.

It also faces the television
at a direct angle--

allowing me to immerse myself
in entertainment or game play

without being subjected
to conversation.

As a result, I've placed it
in a state of eternal dibs.

Can you do that?

Cathedra mea, regulae meae.

That's Latin for "my chair,
my rules."

Now, you said on the phone

that your area of study is physics.

Uh, yeah, experimental physics.


What is that?

Doesn't concern you.

You'll be going

to the university every day? Yes.

And you have a vehicle?
A car, yeah.

And you'll be willing to drive me?

Can't you drive?

I can.

I choose not to.

Okay, I suppose I could drive you.

That's a point in my favor, right?

Why don't you let me do this.

Come on, I just asked.

Last question.

In a post-apocalyptic world,

which task would you assign
the highest priority?

Locating a sustainable food source,

reestablishing a
functioning government,

procreating, or preserving
the knowledge of mankind?

Uh, I'm gonna go with...
preserving the knowledge.

That's correct.

FYI, I would have accepted any
answer other than procreating.

Come, I'll show you the
rest of the apartment.

Oh, good.

I passed the barriers.

The second barrier.
Don't get cocky.

This is the bathroom.

Are you fairly regular?

Uh, I guess.

This isn't going to
work if you're guessing.

When do you evacuate your bowels?

When I have to.

When you have to?

I'm sorry, I don't rent to hippies.

I-I'm sorry, uh, in the morning.

Around 8:00.

I can't give you 8:00.
I can give you 7:30.

Fine. I'll take it.

Third barrier passed.

You have won the right
to see your room.


Is this it?

No, this is my room.

People don't go in my room.

So where do you sleep?

I don't understand.

If people don't go in there,
and you're people, and...

You are people, aren't you?

Making a joke.

Do you do this often?

On occasion.

Your room.

You may want to repaint.

And after all that,
you just moved in?

I didn't just move in.

First we had to iron
out a few details.

"Roommates agree that Friday
nights shall be reserved

"for watching Joss Whedon's

brilliant new series Firefly."

Does that really need
to be in the agreement?

We might as well settle it now;
it's going to be on for years.

Initial here.

All right, that's
television and movies.

Section nine: miscellany.

The apartment's flag

is a gold lion rampant
on a field of azure.

We have a flag?

Never fly it upside down.

Unless the apartment's in distress.

And next.

"If either of us ever
invents time travel,

"we agree our first stop
will be this meeting today

in precisely five seconds."


That's disappointing.

Why on earth did you
agree to all that?

It was the best apartment I'd seen,

the rent was very reasonable

and after you've passed
the first three barriers

you kind of want to
take it all the way.

Well, I'm sorry, Leonard,
it's very hard to feel sympathy for you.

Okay, how about this?
Let me tell you about the first time

I brought a girl over.


Shh. Just pretend we're not here.


I'm sure he'll go away.

I'm just going to keep
knocking till you answer.




What do you want?!

I didn't say come in!

You asked what I wanted.

I wanted to come in.

I'm here

because you violated
our roommate agreement.

Specifically, section eight--

visitors, subsection C;
females, paragraph four-- coitus.

"Roommates shall give each other

12 hours notice of
impending coitus."

I didn't even know
her 12 hours ago.

That's it! I'm out of here!

But, Joyce, come on.

12 hours?

Oh, my God.

Do I get some sympathy now?

A little bit.

Okay. Let me get this straight.

You move in with this guy,

he makes you sign a
ridiculous roommate agreement,

then he walks into your bedroom

while you're doing this Joyce Kim,
and you still stay?

Actually, I couldn't get too
mad at him about Joyce Kim.

Why not?

Well, I was doing some
government research at the time,

you know, military, rocket fuel.

It's kind of secret.

What does that have
to do with Joyce Kim?

As it turns out,
she was a North Korean spy.

Luckily, Sheldon drove her out

before I revealed
anything important.

Which I-I'm not
saying I would have.

So, what, that's it?

You've stayed with
Sheldon all this time

because he kept you from
going to federal prison?

That was part of it.

The other part is what
happened with the elevator.

Oh, yeah, I'm wondering about that.

You said it was working
when you moved in.

It was, but one night,
Sheldon came home from work...

What is going on here?

Hey, Sheldon.

This is Howard and Raj.

They work at the university, too.

Hey. Hey.

I'll get to you later.

What are you sitting on?

I can't speak for these guys,
but I'm sitting on my tushie.

It's a joke.

Not a good idea.

"Tushie" is buttocks, right?

Right. Hilarious.

Explain the couch.

Oh, well, there were some people

on the first floor moving out,

and they sold it to me for $100.

Howard and Raj helped
me bring it up.

But what's wrong with
the furniture we have?

They're lawn chairs.

And there was no place for company.

Did it occur to you
that was by design?

According to the
roommate agreement,

I'm entitled to allocate 50%

of the cubic footage
of the common areas.

But you didn't notify me by e-mail,

so this is still a breach.

I did notify you.

Oh, you did, did you?

Oh, drat!

Hoisted by my own spam filter.

What am I doing in
your spam folder?

I put you there after
you forwarded me

a picture of a cat
playing the piano,

entitled "This is funny."

Oh, yeah, I saw that.

That was hilarious.

Okay, what does all this
have to do with the elevator?

I'm getting to it.

I assure you, you'll be sorry

you wasted your money on an iPod

when Microsoft comes
out with theirs.

Okay, do you have an
opinion about everything?


And you just assume
you're always right?

It's not an assumption.

Change seats with me.

Why? I don't like this spot.

I have to keep turning my head.


Ooh, it's time for Babylon 5!

We don't watch Babylon 5
in this apartment.

Why not?

Because no one likes Babylon 5.

I like it.

Me, too. So do I.

There you go-- three against one.

They don't get a vote.

It's one against one.

And according to the
roommate agreement,

all ties will be settled by me.

But I said no to that.

And I said yes.

And I settle all ties.

Change seats with me.


There's a draft on
my neck over here.

So, I get the draft?

You're protected
by your turtleneck.


And it's a dickey.


I'm still not comfortable.

Of course.

There's too many people here.

We can fix that.

Let's leave.

Yeah, we can go over to my place.


Let me get my jacket.

You're not going with us. Why not?

You're the guy we're
trying to get away from.


Well, in that case,
I don't need my jacket.

And for the record,
the correct syntax is:

I'm the guy from whom
you're trying to get away.

Oh, yes.

This is definitely
going to be my spot.


How do you know he said that?
You left the room.

Hey, do you want me to finish
working on your man feet or not?

Fine. Go ahead.

are you having a playdate?

I don't have playdates!

I have colleagues!

Do their parents know they're here?

No, but if you keep screaming,
maybe they'll hear you!

That your dad?

She grows any more
hair on her face, yes.

Oh, man.

Is that a two-stage rocket?

Three. I designed
the engine myself.

Cool. Can it break Mach 1?

Oh, probably, if I could get
my hands on that new fuel

the government's been working on.

Oh, this just might
be your lucky day.

what happened to the Oreos

I left on the counter?!

I haven't seen your Oreos!

Just take your bath without them!

So, why was it his lucky day?

Well, it turns out I had

a little rocket fuel
in the apartment.

What were you doing with
rocket fuel in your apartment?

Mm, Joyce Kim was kind of curious

about what I did for a living,

and I was going to
kind of show it to her.

It's not important. The point is,

the guys and I went
back to the apartment.

Are we ever going to
get to the elevator?

Yeah, we're really close.

Uh, uh, we're at the apartment.

The trick is to mix it into Tovex

in order to create
a combustible gel

that will generate over 8,
000 kilonewtons of thrust.

Cool. Nice.

Won't work.

Excuse me, but I've been
working on this a long time.

Trust me-- it'll work.

You don't see your mistake, do you?

There's no mistake.

This is for a full-scale rocket,
not a model.

Well, I've adjusted the formula.

Not correctly.

Okay, I've had it with you.

You might be an expert

on theoretical physics and
science-fiction programs

and where to sit on
a freaking couch,

but this is applied physics.

And when it comes to
applied physic... uh-oh.

What's happening?

A bad thing. A very bad thing.

Get the door.

Get the door! Get the door!

Get the door! Get the door!

You're waiting for the elevator?!

Oh. Right.

Wait. It's here.

Give me that.

What'd you do that for?
I had plenty of time...

You're welcome.

Not only did Sheldon save my life,

he didn't rat me out
to the landlord.

Or the police.

Or Homeland Security.

Okay, so, basically,
you're the reason

I have to walk up and down three
flights of stairs every day?

So I did something stupid.

I'm sure you did stupid
things when you were younger.

What were you doing
seven years ago?

Excuse me, I was in high school.

Studying, keeping my nose clean,

doing volunteer work
for the community.

Not pregnant.


Oh, Ubuntu,

you are my favorite
Linux-based operating system.



Why do I smell methacrylate?

Oh, uh, clear nail polish.

I had a mani-pedi.

Men can get those.

Anyway, I may owe you an apology.

There's doubt?

I did agree to the
thermostat setting,

and I shouldn't have
tried to change it.

That's not an apology.

Simply an acknowledgement
that I was right.

Okay, I'm sorry.

There you go.

So, we're good?

Good what?

Never mind.

Okay if I watch some TV?

Go ahead.

Up next Babylon 5.

You're not even watching!

I can hear it!

Oh, so the dialogue offends you?

I would hardly call that dialogue!

You're insane, you know that?!

Don't make me turn
that flag upside down,

'cause you know I'll do it!