The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 20 - The Spaghetti Catalyst - full transcript

Sheldon is forced to go behind Leonard's back to spend time with Penny following their breakup.

Oh, damn, they canceled my Visa.

Oh, yay, a new MasterCard!



I was going to get my mail.


Are... are you hoping to
get it telepathically?

I think you mean telekinetically.

And no.

I just wasn't sure

of the proper protocol
now that you and Leonard

are no longer having coitus.

God, can we please just say
"no longer seeing each other"?

Well, we could if it were true.

But as you live in
the same building,

you see each other all the time.

The variable which has
changed is the coitus.

Okay, here's the protocol:

you and I are still friends,
and you stop saying "coitus."

Good, good.

I'm glad we're still friends.


Oh, yes. It was a lot of work

to accommodate you in my life.

I'd hate for that effort
to have been in vain.


Just to be clear, do I have to stop

saying "coitus" with
everyone or just you?


Harsh terms.

But all right-- I'll just
substitute "intercourse."


Or "fornication."

Yeah. But that has
judgmental overtones,

so I'll hold that in reserve.

So, how you been?

Well, my existence is a continuum,

so I've been what I am at each
point in the implied time period.

You're just coitusing with me,
aren't you?

Bazinga. Mm-hmm.

How's Leonard doing?

He seems all right.

Although he does spend a
disturbing amount of time

looking at photographs of you

and smelling the
pillow you slept on.

Oh, but now that I think of it,

he asked me not to tell you that.

I'll pretend I didn't hear it.

I'd rather you pretend
I didn't say it.

I see you bought Mama Italia
marinara spaghetti sauce.


That's the sauce my mother uses.

She likes cooking Italian
because according to her,

that's what the
Romans made Jesus eat.


I'll have to have you over
for spaghetti some night.

I'm hungry now.

Oh. Um, okay.

Why don't you give me
an hour and come over?

Will you cut up hot
dogs into little chunks

and mix them in with the sauce?

I don't have hot dogs.

Oh, it's all right; I do.

Oh! You're in for what my mother
calls "a real Eye-talian treat""

Hey, where you been?

I was talking with Penny.

What's wrong with you?

You can't hang out with
your roommate's ex.

That's totally uncool.

No, it's fine. I don't care.

I'm over it.

Yeah, he's over it;
that's why he's been whining all day

about trying to invent
that memory-wiper gizmo

from Men in Black.

Is he making any progress?

Because I'd like to erase
Ben Affleck as Daredevil.

So would Ben Affleck.

The point is,
in a situation like this

you got to pick sides.

You're either on Team
Leonard or Team Penny.

Which one picks last?


Well, usually I'm on the
team that picks last.

Unless there's a kid
in a wheelchair.

Sheldon, I got you
your tangerine chicken.

I hope you're hungry.

Well, of course I'm hungry.

And as I have no plans to
eat with any other team,

I will consume my tangerine chicken

with the appropriate gusto.

Mm, mm, mm!


Just out of curiosity,
do we still have hot dogs?

I don't know. Why?

Just making dinner conversation.

Go, Team Leonard!

♪ Our whole universe was
in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We
built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

The Big Bang Theory 3x20
The Spaghetti Catalyste
Original Air Date on May 3, 2010

Oh, God, this is good.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you believe you're
going to go to hell

for eating sweet and sour pork?

Jews don't have hell.

We have acid reflux.

Do you want the last
dumpling, Sheldon?


It's not like I have to
moderate my food intake

because I'm planning on
eating again very shortly.

Mm, mm, mm!

So, you guys want to
do something tonight?

Nah, I can't.

I got to pick up my mom from
her water aerobics class.

18 overweight women
flapping their arm fat

in a swimming pool.

Looks like the manatee
tank at Sea World.

What about you, Raj?

Oh, there it is:

now that you don't
have a girlfriend,

you want to hang out with me again.

I never stopped hanging
out with you. Oh, please,

we all know I'm the friend you call

when you have no other options.

If we were the Justice League,
I'd be Aquaman.

I wish you were Aquaman.

Then I could send you to scoop
my mom out of the old lady tank.

Excuse me, I'm thirsty,
so I'm going to go to the refrigerator

and get myself a
refreshing beverage.

You know what? I'll just
spend the evening alone.

What, suddenly I'm not
good enough for you?


I do so love beverages.

Now I think I'll take
my after-dinner walk.

Since when do you take
after-dinner walks?

Yeah, since when do you take walks?

I read a study online
that walking after a meal

not only aids in digestion,
but increases serotonin,

and you know me,
if there's one thing I like

more than a refreshing beverage,
it's serotonin. Bye-bye.

Hold on. I'll walk down with you.


that's not necessary.

You can go first.

Or we could go together.

I can't think of a reason why not.

Let's go.

Hold on.

Nope, no reason.

I've missed you.

All right, say hello
to your mother for me.



You said you were going for a walk.

I didn't say outside.

So what, you're just gonna
walk up and down the stairs?

No, of course not.

That would be odd and
suspicious behavior.

Here, Russell! Here, boy!

Which way are you going?

Which way are you going?

I parked my scooter down the block.

I'm going the other way. Bye.


Actually, I'm this way.

Do I smell hot dogs?

No. I mean, I have no
idea what you smell.

I definitely smell raw hot dog.

Perhaps you're getting
a brain tumor.

All right, have a nice walk.

I shall. Have a nice scoot.

You might want to stand back.

I'm sitting on top
of 13 horses here.

Oh. Hello, doggie.

Nice doggie.

I bet you think you smell hot dogs.

Look, a cat!





I had to trade the
others for my life.

Hey, Leonard?


I haven't had sex in a year.

Where you going with this, Raj?

Don't flatter yourself, dude.

I want to go out and meet a woman.

So, go. Well, I need a wingman.

I don't want to come off
like a lonely loser.

And you think my presence
will help with that?

Well, I do.

Next to you,
I'll look like a catch.

I'm not going out tonight, Raj.

All right.

Would you mind if I
went to your room

and downloaded some
Asian pornography?

Very much.

Doesn't have to be Asian.

Don't worry.
You'll meet a girl someday.

No, I won't. Yes, you will,
and she'll be beautiful.

And kind and sexy and funny

and everything you
ever wanted in a woman.

You really think so?

I do, and you'll fall
hopelessly in love

and give her your heart.

And she'll take it and grind it
into pathetic, little pieces.

But we'll have sex first, right?

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

That's Eye-talian.

So, um, was Leonard okay
with you coming over?

Oh, yes.

In fact, he said, "I'm fine.
I don't care."

And he in no way
said it in a manner

which would lead one to believe
that he was covering up

feelings of anguish and betrayal.

Well, good. I'm also

pleased to report that he's
all cried out over you.

He's been crying?

Oh, I believe that
was something else

I wasn't supposed to mention.

Oh, God, I feel terrible.

Do you have a stomachache, too?

No. Why, do you?


Why did you ask if I had one, too?

Just making polite
dinner conversation.

Your turn.

All right.

So, what's new in your life?

Well, my new shoes are
not made for running.

Have you been running?


It's just a suspicion I have.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I'm so glad you like it. I do.

Leonard never cooks for me.

Well, maybe that's 'cause
Leonard can't cook.

You can't cook and
you made me this.


Ooh, I'm gonna get the
cheesecake out of the fridge.

Oh, Lord, I'm in Jewish hell.

Look at this.

Do you think she's
really doing that

or is it PhotoShop?

I'm pretty sure Martha
Stewart never got naked

with a room full of big,
fat Japanese guys.

You don't know that.

Prison changes people.

Hey, where you been?

I told you, walking.

For an hour and a half?

I got lost.

How could you get lost?
Your phone has GPS.

Satellites are down. Solar flares.

There are no solar
flares right now.

Yes, there are.

Dude, I'm an astrophysicist.

If there were solar flares,
I'd be all up in it.

I'm sorry. I misspoke.

What I meant to say
was my battery died.

What the hell was that about?

I don't know.

Do you think this is really Hillary
Clinton doing it with Oprah?

Oh, we really need
to get you a girl.

SHELDON Leonard.



Oh, just come in!

Thanks for seeing me
on such short notice.

What do you want, Sheldon?

Maybe this isn't a good time.

Tell me why you woke me up or I
swear to God I will kill you.

Do you really think death threats

are an appropriate way to
begin this conversation?

Sometimes your lack of
social skills astonishes me.

What do you want?

You may want to sit down.

I'm in bed!

Point taken.

You may want to sit up.


I've been seeing Penny
behind your back.


When you say "seeing Penny,
" what exactly does that mean?

We had dinner last night.

She made me spaghetti with
little hot dogs cut up in it.

Well, little hot dog.

I gave up the other five
hot dogs to a real dog.

A real, big dog.

A hell hound.

Tangential to the primary story.

How about I circle back to it?


Why did you have dinner with Penny?

I told you, she made spaghetti
with little hot dogs.

I like spaghetti
with little hot dogs.

Then why did you have
Chinese food with us?

I didn't want to upset you.

Howard made it very clear
that my allegiance should be

to male comrades before women
who sell their bodies for money.

Is it possible he said,
"Bros before hos"?

Yes, but I rephrased it to
avoid offending the hos.

Sheldon, I don't care if you
want to be friends with Penny.

Oh. Well, so the emotional
turmoil that's been keeping me

from achieving REM sleep
was entirely unjustified?


Well... then as my
meemaw would say,

"Looks like we butchered a pig,
but nobody wanted bacon."

I guess not.

And now, as promised, the tangent.

Sheldon and the Hell Hound.

Or How I Lost My Hot Dogs.

Oh, um...

I, I can come back.

D-don't be silly.

We're neighbors.

We're going to run into each other.

May as well get used to it.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

You used to it yet?

Nope. Me neither.

Oh, Sheldon seemed tthink
that I would be upset

about you hanging out with him.

But I just want you
to know it's fine.

Oh, oh, good, because, um,
his mother called me.

His mother?

Yeah, she wants me
to take him shopping

for sheets and towels.

I was going to do that.

Oh, well, then you... you do it.

No, I don't want to do it.
You can do it.

Okay, you can take him for shoes.

I just took him for shoes.

Well, all I know is he
says they hurt his feet.

Fine. I'll take him for
shoes next Saturday.

Oh, no, no, no-
a bunch of us from work

are going to Disneyland
next Saturday

and Sheldon wants to come.

You're taking him to Disneyland?

Well, he heard me making
plans on the phone.

Was I going to say "no"?

All right.

But let me know if you're going
to stuff him with junk food.

I don't want to bring
home a nice dinner for him

and see it go to waste.

We're going to Disneyland.

He's going to eat junk food.

All I'm saying is
give me a heads-up.

Okay, whatever.

And don't let him go on Space
Mountain after he eats.

He'll say he can handle it,
but I promise

you'll end up with churro
puke on your shoes.

All right, got it.
Is there anything else?

Yeah, don't let Goofy near him.

He'll have nightmares and
I'll have to deal with it.

What's the problem with Goofy?

Wish I knew. He's fine with Pluto.

Hey, do you think the elastic
woman in The Incredibles

needs to use birth control

or can she just be a diaphra?

Well, that's it.

We're officially out of
things to talk about.

We're home.

It's 10:00.

Where have you been? We stayed

for the California
Adventure water show.

It was pure Disney magic.

I was going to see that with him.

How was I supposed to know that?

It's all right.
I'll see it again with you.

And I have food here.
You said you were ing to call.

I know, I know.

I can still eat.

No, you already threw up once.

Go put on your PJs
and brush your teeth.

Okay, but just don't fight

Wee not fighting. Just go.

Aren't you going to thank Penny
for taki you to Disneyland?

Thank you, Penny.

You're welcome, sweetie.

Want a cup of coffee?

Oh, um, I should
probably get going.

Come on. It's just a cup of coffee.

Uh, yeah, the whole thing seems
a little twisted to me, too.

What am I smelling?

Sheldon's churro on my shoes.

He's such an angel
when he's asleep.


Shame he has to wake up.

I think we can do it.

Smother Sheldon in his sleep?

Wouldn't that be wrong?

No, be friends. You and me.

Oh. Sure.


Good. I'm glad.

Here's aidea. I'm just
throwing it out tre:

friends who have sex.

Good night, Leonard.


Just a couple of
friends goofin' around.

No, Goofy, no.

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