The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Maternal Congruence - full transcript

Leonard's mother makes a visit to his dismay and Sheldon's delight.

Aw, I always tear up when
the Grinch's heart grows three sizes.

Tears seem appropriate.

Enlargement of the heart muscle,
or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy... a serious disease, which could lead
to congestive heart failure.


- You really didn't like it, Sheldon?
- No, on the contrary.

I found the Grinch to be a relatable,
engaging character.

I was really with him up to the point that
he succumbed to social convention...

...and returned the presents
and saved Christmas.

What a buzzkill that was.

When we watch Frosty the Snowman,
he roots for the sun.

Excuse me, but the sun is essential
for all life on Earth.

Frosty is merely a bit of frozen
supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat.

A crime, by the way, for which
he is never brought to account.


I just love decorating the Christmas tree,
it makes me feel like a little girl again.

We didn't have a tree
when I was growing up.

- Really? Why not?
- Mm, in my family...

...holidays weren't so much celebrated,
as studied for their anthropological...

...and psychological implications
on human society.

Oh, sounds festive.
Did you at least give presents?

Hm, in a way. We presented papers.

And then broke off into focus groups
and critiqued each other.

Sheldon, what about you?
Did you have a tree?

Oh, yes.

We had a tree, we had a manger...

...we had an inflatable Santa Claus
with plastic reindeer on the front lawn.

To make things more jolly, there were
so many blinking lights on the house...

...they induced
neighborhood-wide seizures.

I take it you don't wanna
help us trim the tree?

I do not. But if you insist on decorating
a spider-infested fire hazard in my home...

...I would request
that you that add this.

What is it?

You're kidding, right?
It's a bust of Sir Isaac Newton.

Oh, sure, sure.
Yeah, very Christmassy.

Excuse me, it's much more Christmassy
than anything you've put on the tree.

Here we go.

December 25th, 1642, Julian calendar,
Sir Isaac Newton is born.

Jesus, on the other hand,
was actually born in the summer.

His birthday was moved to coincide
with the traditional pagan holiday...

...that celebrated the winter solstice
with lit fires and slaughtered goats.

Which, frankly, sounds like more fun...

...than 12 hours of church
with my mother followed by a fruitcake.

Merry Newtonmas, everyone.

I sense that's not sincere,
although I have no idea why.

No, it's fine. Sir Isaac can go
next to this candy cane.

No, Isaac goes at the top of the tree.

- No, he doesn't.
- I understand.

You dispute Newton's claim
that he invented calculus...

...and you want
to put Gottfried Leibniz on the top.

Yeah, you got me. I'm a Leibniz man.

Perhaps when your mother gets here,
she'll talk some sense into you.

- What? Your mother's coming? When?
- Tomorrow.

When were you gonna tell me?

Oh. Tomorrow?

Why were you keeping this a secret?

- Well, I just- I thought-
- If I could interject here.

Obviously, Leonard is concerned that his
mother won't approve of you as his mate.

Wh-? Why wouldn't she approve of me?
I'm adorable.

- Yeah, you are. It's just my moth-
- If I could interject again.

Leonard comes from a remarkably
high-achieving family...

...who have all chosen
high-achieving partners.

He probably feels that it's doubtful that
his mother will be overly impressed...

...with his dating a woman
whose most significant achievement... memorizing
the Cheesecake Factory menu.

Hey, it's a big menu.

There's two pages just for desserts.

I know. And those specials,
they change every day.

Okay, it's lame when I say it,
it's ridiculous when you pile on.

Okay. Sorry.

What did she say
when you told her we were going out?


You didn't tell her we were going out,
did you?


- Why not?
- Um...

I'm no expert on meditation...

...but if you're trying to calm yourself
down, I believe the word is "om. "

It was so nice of you
to come to the airport to pick me up.

No trouble at all.

I drove, Mother.

I'm driving now.

Yes, dear. Mommy's proud.

Thank you for your notes on my paper
disproving quantum-brain-dynamic theory.

My pleasure.

You know, for a non-physicist,
you have a remarkable grasp...

...of how electric dipoles
in the brain's water molecules...

...could not possibly form
a Bose condensate.

Wait, wait, wait. When did you
send my mom notes on a paper?

August 16th.
Right after her carpal-tunnel surgery.

- Did I thank you for the flowers?
- You did.

- I don't really like flowers.
- Neither do I.

- But it's the social convention.
- It is, isn't it?

Wait, wait, wait. You had surgery?

- Yes, and Sheldon sent me flowers.
- No, I heard that.

Then what was all that
"wait, wait, wait" about?

I just don't understand why
he knows more about your life than I do.

Because Sheldon and I stay in touch
due to mutual interest and respect...

...while you avoid me
due to unresolved childhood issues.

It's what we think caused
your narcissistic-personality disorder.

We discussed it at length
during our last video chat.

Although how we got
onto the subject of you is baffling.

Yes, but we are on the subject,
so I'm obliged to ask.

Leonard, how are you?

- Fine, Mom. How are you?
- Menopausal.

Now I'm less fine.

- Have you heard your brother's engaged?
- No.

Sheldon, why didn't you tell me?

My bad.
I did send a gift from both of us.

She's a remarkable girl. The youngest
appeals-court judge in New Jersey...

...and a two-time
Olympic bronze medalist.

You must be very happy.

Why? I'm not marrying her.

So how about you?
Are you seeing anyone interesting?

Well, I'm not sure
about interesting, but-

- Not the time, Sheldon.
- Very well.

Shall we switch topics
to Isaac Newton v. Gottfried Leibniz?

It's all right, Sheldon.

I will just pretend that Leonard's
not withholding information.

Although, I will point out, Leonard,
that I am a trained psychiatrist...

...and you are exhibiting
the same secretive behavioral tics...

...that accompanied
your learning to masturbate.

Isn't she brilliant, Leonard?

How I envy you.

So, Howard, have you and Rajesh
finally summoned the courage... express your latent
homosexual feelings towards one another?

What? No.

Why not?

Because we don't have latent
homosexual feelings toward one another.

I see.

- No, really. I have a girlfriend now.
- And where is she this evening?

She had to go out of town,
her grandmother died.

I see.

"Her grandmother died. "

Honest to God. Ahem.
Leonard, tell her I have a girlfriend.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

What do you mean, you don't know
what I'm talking about?

- Tell her I have a girlfriend.
- All right.

He "has" a "girlfriend. "

Her name is Bernadette.

She's a waitress, but going to school
to be a microbiologist.

The more passionately
you stick to this construct...

...the more you're hurting
your partner.

Do you really think your lips in my ear
is helping?

- Hi. Sorry I'm late.
- Oh, glad you're here.

Sit down, I'll get you a plate.
Mom, you remember Penny?

Oh, yes, the waitress/actress
with the unresolved father issues.

Has he finally come to terms
with his little slugger growing breasts?

Well, he sent me a football
and a catcher's mitt for Christmas... I'm gonna say no.

If it helps,
we're all good with your breasts.

Classic overcompensation.

Oh, speaking of fathers, Leonard,
that reminds me. I'm divorcing yours.

- What?
- Yes. He was cheating on me.

- No.

With some waitress
from the university cafeteria.

Can you believe it? A waitress.

Oh, no offense, dear.

No, it sounded like a compliment.

- When did this happen?
- Well, let's see.

Sheldon, when did I
leave Leonard's father?

September 22nd.

the weekend after Leonard's dog died.

Mitzy's dead?

She was old and blind, Leonard.
What choice did we have?

I don't believe this.
Why am I the last to know?

Excuse me,
I am the one getting a divorce...

...Mitzy is the one who is dead,
why are you the one making a fuss?

You're right. I'm sorry.

I'm way out of line.

Penny, what's new in your life?

Nothing. Not a damn thing.

Thank you for driving me
back to my hotel.

Oh, it's not a problem.

I was going to ask Leonard to do it, but
he seemed a bit emotionally unstable...

...and you don't want someone like that
operating heavy machinery.

No, you do not.

Your "check engine" light is on.

Yeah, I gotta put a sticker over that.

So you must be devastated
about your divorce.

Oh, not at all. But I am a bit distressed
to be in a vehicle...

...that's not subjected
to regular maintenance.

Come on, I mean, you're not upset
that your marriage is over?

Well, initially I felt something akin
to grief and perhaps anger...

...but that's the natural reaction
of the limbic system... being betrayed
by a loathsome son of a bitch.

- Sure. Sure.
- Thankfully, my shock was mitigated... the fact that I haven't had
intercourse with him in eight years.

- Eight years?
- Oh, that's nothing.

I've been responsible
for my own orgasms since 1982.


Wha-? What's so funny?

That's exactly what I say
during orgasms: Yikes.

I could use a drink.
You wanna stop for a drink?

- Oh, I don't drink.
- I do. I'll teach you.

Leonard? Leonard? Leonard?

What is it?

I made tea.

I don't want tea.

I didn't make tea for you.

This is my tea.

Then why are you telling me?

It's a conversation starter.

That's a lousy conversation starter.

Oh, is it? We're conversing.

What do you want, Sheldon?

What I want is to be departing
the starship Enterprise... a one-man shuttlecraft
headed to the planetoid I rule...

...known as Sheldon Alpha Five.

Mm, I want that too.

Why are you here?

To comfort you, of course.

No, that's not going to work at all.
I'll comfort you from over here.

Leonard, what you're experiencing
is a classic Jungian crisis... which the aging individual
mourns the loss...

...of the never-to-be-realized
ideal family unit.

- Thank you, that's very comforting.
- That's not the comforting part.

- It's not?
- No. No, the comforting part... that the Germans have a term
for what you're feeling, "Weltschmerz. "

It means the depression that arises
from comparing the world as it is... a hypothetical idealized world.

You're right, I do feel better.

Yeah, the Germans have always been
a comforting people.

Just remember, Leonard, where
your biological family has failed you... always have me,
your surrogate family.

You're my surrogate family?

If it's any consolation,
I'm not happy about it either. Good night.

Okay, now this time,
try drinking it all at once.



I've been responsible
for my own buzz since 2003.

Another round for me
and my homegirl.

I feel a spreading warmth
through my extremities.

As long as you don't feel it
running down your pants, you're fine.

That is fascinating.

I'm noticing an immediate
lowering of my inhibitions.

For example, I'm seriously considering
asking that busboy... ravish me in the alleyway
while I eat cheesecake.

What do you think?

Well, we are known
for our cheesecake.

- Hit us again.
- Yes.

- If a little is good, more must be better.
- Ha, ha.

- Hey, Bev, guess what?
- What?

I'm sleeping with your son.


Which one?

The one from whom
I live across the hall from.

Oh, well, that's convenient.
How did his penis turn out?

Oh, Beverly, I can't talk to
my boyfriend's mother about his penis.

Oh, fair enough.

What can you tell me, if anything,
about that busboy's penis?

Actually, I've only had the cheesecake.

One more time.

You know, Leonard did not wanna
tell you we were dating.

Really? That means he's either
embarrassed by the relationship...

...or he doesn't care enough
about his mother to tell her he's in one.

Either way,
one of us should be insulted.

- Well, let's go find out who.
- You go get a taxi.

I'm gonna slip my business card
into that busboy's back pocket...

...cupping his firm right buttock
as I do so.

- Leonard?
- Sonny boy.

Get out here!
Your mommy wants to talk to you!

What the hell is going on?

You're in trouble.

Why didn't you tell me
you were tapping my homegirl?

- Did I say that right?
- Yeah. Not bad, not bad.

Are you guys drunk?

Well, I hope so. Otherwise, why would
we have stopped at Del Taco?

Now, how could you not tell me
you were in a relationship...

...with this lovely,
charming young woman?

- Heh, heh. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Is it because she's uneducated,
trapped in a menial service position?

What the hell happened
to lovely and charming?

How come you didn't tell me that you
and Father were getting a divorce?

How come you didn't tell me
you had surgery?

How come you didn't tell me
my dog died?

What I hear you saying... that you want a more intimate
mother-son relationship.

I do.

There. It's late. Now, go to bed.

I'm getting a warm feeling
spreading through my heart.

That's the Del Taco.

Why is Leonard softly banging his head
against his bedroom door?

Speaking of warm feelings...

Come here.

No, I'd rather have the busboy.

Thank you for taking me to the airport.

You're very welcome.

Once again, I'm driving.
I'm right here.

Please, I am very hung-over...

...and in no mood
to satisfy your need for approval.

Sheldon, I do hope you forgive me
for my inappropriate behavior last night.

I don't blame you.

- You were intoxicated.
- Thank you.

I blame Penny.

I blame Penny too. Bad Penny.

Wait a minute, what are you talking
about? What inappropriate behavior?

- I think it's best that you not know.
- Agreed.


What the hell, agreed.

And I want you to take very good care
of this young woman.

- Aw. Thank you, Beverly.
- You're welcome.

She doesn't have much
in the way of career prospects.

Don't make her responsible
for her own orgasms as well.

Remember when I was complaining that
you don't communicate with me enough?

- Yes, dear.
- I'm over it.