The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem - full transcript

Sheldon is flattered when a graduate student takes a shine to him, however her extreme devotion becomes too much to handle.

So, if any of you are considering
going into experimental physics,

my door is always open.

Once again, I'm sorry
the demonstration didn't quite work out,

but now we know what happens
when you accidentally spill

Peach Snapple
into a helium neon laser.

Short answer is... don't.

And now to tell you
about the theoretical physics department

is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

Forget it.

Excuse me.

- Sheldon, we both agreed to do this.
- It's a waste of time.

I might as well explain
the laws of thermodynamics

to a bunch of labradoodles.

If you don't do this,

I won't take you
to the comic book store.

Nice work with the laser,
by the way.

Looking out
at your fresh young faces,

I remember when I too was
deciding my academic future

as a lowly graduate student.

Of course, I was 14.

And I'd already achieved more
than most of you could ever hope to,

despite my 9:00 bedtime.

Now, there may be one or two
of you in this room

who has what it takes to succeed
in theoretical physics.

It's more likely that you'll spend

your scientific careers teaching
5th graders

how to make papier mache
volcanoes with baking soda lava.

- Good God.
- In short...

any one who told you
that you would someday be able

to make any significant
contribution to physics,

played a cruel trick on you,
a cruel trick indeed.

Any questions?

Of course not.

I weep for the future of science.

Now if you'll excuse me,
the latest issue of Batman is out.

Come, Leonard.

Laser demonstration's looking
pretty good now, huh?

I love this time
of the year.

The leaves are turning,
there's a bracing chill in the air.

Plus there's a whole new crop
of female grad students

about to put on just enough
winter weight

to make them needy
and vulnerable.

That's right, honey,
have another calzone.

Daddy can wait.

Isn't there a university policy
against dating graduate students?

No, if you can talk to them,
you can ask them out.

Damn, there's always a catch.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Leslie.

So, dumbass, I heard you made
a grad student throw up last night.

The truth can indeed
be a finger down the throat

of those unprepared to hear it.

But why should I cater
to second-rate minds?

Because first-rate minds
call you "dumbass"?

Oh, yeah? Well...

you're a mean person.

Excuse me, Dr. Cooper,

I'm Ramona Nowitzki.
I was at your talk last night.

I think you're just brilliant.

That is the prevailing opinion.

Now I'm gonna
throw up.

Howard Wolowitz,
department of engineering,

co-designer of the
International Space Station's

Liquid Waste Disposal System.

I've read
everything you've published.

I liked your paper on grand unification
using string-network condensates

and was wondering how you determined
that 3-dimensional string-nets

provided a unified picture of ferrnions
and gauge bosons?

an intelligent labradoodle.

The fact is I'm quite
close to a breakthrough

in showing how neutrinos emerge
from a string-net condensate.

My God, that would change the way
we view the entire physical universe.

It's what I do.

You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz
Liquid Waste Disposal System

is turning a few heads as well.

Again, ew.

I'd love to hear more
about how you intend to add neutrinos.

Could we get
a cup of coffee sometime?

I don't drink coffee.

I do. I love me a cup of joe.

It doesn't have to be coffee.
How about dinner?

- I do eat dinner.
- Great.

- I know a terrific Italian place.
- I never eat in strange restaurants.

One runs the risk
of non-standard cutlery.

Excuse me?

Sheldon lives in fear
of the three-tined fork.

Three tines is not a fork.

Three tines is a trident.

Forks are for eating,
tridents are for ruling the seven seas.

What if I brought food
to your place?

That would be acceptable.

On Mondays, I eat Thai food.

Mee krob and chicken sate

with extra peanut sauce
from Siam Palace.

You got it.

I already have your address.

What a nice girl.

Do you have any idea
what just happened?

Yes. Apparently I'm getting
a free dinner.

Oh, yeah, no, this thing's
majorly out of order.

- See? Sorry.
- That's okay.

Guess I'm taking the stairs.

- Where you going?
- 4- A.

- You here to see Leonard?
- No, Dr. Cooper.

Dr. Sheldon Cooper?

We're having dinner.

Sheldon Cooper?

Tall, thin,

looks a little like
a giant praying mantis?

He is cute, isn't he?

- Hi, Leonard.
- Hey, Ramona. Come on in.

- Thanks. Where should I put this?
- The kitchen's fine.

- Hey, what are you doing?
- I need to see this.

The viewing area's right over there.

Sheldon, your girl... date... person...
Ramona's here.

- Hello.
- Sorry I'm late.

I just got so caught up reading
the draft of your latest paper.

Did you enjoy the humorous footnote
where I illustrate mirror-symmetry

by likening it to the Flash
playing tennis with himself?

So funny.

But the idea that you might be able
to incorporate gravity,

I have to tell you,
I found it physically exhilarating.

My hypotheses tend
to have that effect.

I'm sorry I didn't bring enough
for your friends.

I assumed we were going to be alone.

No, we were just going.

To watch, right?

No, come on, now,
we're going out.

Come on, we'll be quiet.

Let's go.

Okay, you two.

Have a nice...

whatever this is.

Okay, you guys, look,
I know this is none of my business,

but I just... I have to ask.

What's Sheldon's deal?

- What do you mean "deal"?
- You know, like what's his deal?

Is it girls...? Guys...?
Sock puppets...?

Honestly, we've been operating
under the assumption

that he has no deal.

Come on, everybody has a deal.

Not Sheldon.

Over the years,
we've formulated many theories

about how he might reproduce.

I'm an advocate of mitosis.

I'm sorry?

I believe one day Sheldon will eat
an enormous amount of Thai food

and split into two Sheldons.

On the other hand, I think Sheldon
might be the larval form of his species,

and someday he'll spin a cocoon
and emerge two months later

with moth wings and an exoskeleton.

Okay, well, thanks
for the nightmares.

Hey, do you want to
hang out with us?

What are you guys gonna do?

My mom's making a brisket tonight.

The one with the little onions?

Yeah, I'm busy, so...

Good night.

Her loss. Let's go.

Brisket party!

B- to-the-R-to-the-I-S-K...



Aren't you having breakfast?


Are you experimenting with
nutritional suppositories again?

Not in these pants.

So... how'd it go
with Ramona last night?

She's smart, insightful

and she has a very unique way
of, you know, revering me.

Here's your spinach mushroom omelet.

Thank you.

- Did anyone touch it?
- Gloves were worn by everyone involved.

I was vigilant.

Ramona pointed out
that I've been wasting 20 minutes a day

- standing on cafeteria lines.
- Time which would be better spent

tackling the great physics
problems of our day.

You don't tackle the big issues.
You fence with them.

En garde. Riposte.


- Morning.
- Hey, Lesly.

So I see you're organizing
your papers

for the Smithsonian Museum
of Dumbassery.

There won't be any room
until they get rid

of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.

Good one.

I see you got a grad student
to fight your battles for you.

I'll let you keep
your lunch money today.

Dr. Cooper is on the verge
of a breakthrough.

If you're going to stay,
you'll have to be respectful and quiet.

Wait for me.

Have you worked out
the neutrino issue?

Well, to paraphrase Mozart,
all the subatomic particles are there.

I just have to put them
in the right order.

You're so witty.

Aren't I?

Hey, guys,
this package came for...

Dr. Cooper is working.

Yes, I'm close to a breakthrough.

It tickles!


Holy crap on a cracker.

You probably don't want
to go in there.

Why? What are they doing?

The only way I could explain it would be
in a therapist's office with dolls.


Dr. Cooper's working.

Yeah, I can see that.

Sheldon, Halo night, Koothrappali's.
You coming?

Yes, it's Halo night.

Let me just dry my tootsies.

- You're not going to Halo night.
- Yes, I am.

It's Wednesday.
Wednesday's Halo night.

Didn't a great man once say,
"Science demands nothing less

"than the fervent and
unconditional dedication

"of our entire lives"?

- He did.
- And who was that great man?


- Sorry, Leonard.
- Seriously? You're not coming?

You heard her.
How can I argue with me?

Okay, well, once again,
you guys have a good...

whatever this is.

Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you
your friends are holding you back.

I prefer to think of it
as "I'm pulling them forward."

Halo night?

A man with your intellectual gifts

doesn't waste an evening
playing video games.

He does on Wednesdays.

Not if he wants a Nobel Prize.

He does want that.

Does a man with my intellectual gifts
play paintball on weekends?

- What do you think?
- Drat.

- Now shall we get back to work?
- I suppose.

Battlestar Galactica
comes on tonight.

I guess I can wait for the DVD.

And then, never ever watch it.

Sheldon, honey, I've told you,
it's a small apartment.

You only have to knock one time.

I don't have a lot of time.

Ramona finally dozed off,

and I need you to help me
get rid of her.

Get rid of her how?

I don't know,

but apparently
I'm in some kind of relationship,

and you seem to be an expert
at ending them.

Excuse me?

I see man after man
leaving this apartment never to return.

Okay, first of all,
it is not man after man.

Hide me.

- Hide you?
- I formally request sanctuary.

Why aren't you working?

She distracted me.

I told you, Penny,
I don't have time for your nonsense.

I have important things to do.

Oh, man.

- I know what's going on here.
- Really?

Then will you explain it to me?

You're in love with Dr. Cooper.

Yeah, no, that's not it.

Don't try to deny it.

He's a remarkable man,

but you have to let him go.

Gee, okay.

I know it's hard,
but he's a gift to the whole world,

and we can't be selfish.

Yeah, he's a gift all right.




Holy crap on a cracker.

What are you doing?!

It's Morse code.


So we can communicate
through the wall.

We are communicating
through the wall.

Yes, but the communication
is not encrypted.

I don't know Morse code.

It's very simple. This is A...

This is B...

- This is C.
- I'm not going to learn Morse code

at 3:00 in the morning!

All right.

Don't come in here,
don't come in here...

What's going on?

Ramona's sleeping on the couch.

I know.
When is she going home?

Never. That's the problem.

- I need your help.
- What are you talking about?

I'm invoking the Skynet clause
of our friendship agreement.

That only applies if you need me

to help you destroy
an artificial intelligence

you've created that's taking
over the Earth.

Come on! Don't nitpick!

Good night.

All right.

I'm invoking
our Body Snatchers clause.

The Body Snatchers clause requires me
to help you destroy

someone we know
who's been replaced with an alien pod.

She's in the living room.
Go. I'll wait here.

what are you doing out of bed?

Now! Do it!

You know you need your sleep
in order for your cognitive processing

to perform at optimum levels.
Now come on.

Godzilla clause?

Not unless she destroys Tokyo.


I've got it!

I finally reconciled
the black hole information paradox

with my theory
of string-network condensates!

It's unbelievable!
It's paradigm-altering.

I could not have done it
without you.

Please, I just offered
a little encouragement.

It was a lot more than that.

You helped me work out
the masses of all the fermions

and you pumiced my hammer toe.

How can I ever repay you?

Would you consider naming it
the Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem?

Who's Nowitzki?

I'm Nowitzki.

You want me to share credit?

Get out!

Bite me!


Excuse me, Dr. Cooper.

I'm Kathy O'Brien.
I just finished reading your paper

reconciling the black hole
information paradox

with your theory
of string-network condensates,

and it just took my breath away.

Maybe when I publish it,
I'll include an inhaler.

Would you possibly have any time
for me to pick your brain?

Let's see. Today's Thursday.

Thursday nights, I eat pizza
from Giacomo's.

Sausage, mushrooms, light olives.

I'll bring it to your place.

I have the address.

What a nice girl.

Sheldon, do you see
what just happened here?

Yes, I'm getting a free pizza.

I'm on a roll.

More pad Thai, please.

Sheldon, you've already had
four servings.

You might want
to slow down a bit.

Just one more bite.

Are you okay?

I'm just so...


That's it. No more Thai food.