The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Griffin Equivalency - full transcript

The guys struggle to cope with Raj's arrogance after he is featured in a People magazine article.

Let's see,
Raj was the kung pao?chicken.

- I'm the dumplings.
- Yes, you are.

Creepy, Howard.

Creepy good or creepy bad?

Who was the shrimp
with lobster sauce?

That would be me.
Come to papa, you un-kosher delight.

I'm not necessarily
talking to the food.

Sit over there.

Sit over there.

Baby wipe?

- Why do you have...
- No, don't ask! Don't!

I'll tell you why.

I had to sanitize my hands
because the university

replaced the paper towels
in the rest rooms with hot air blowers.

I thought the blowers
were more sanitary.

- Really, don't.
- Why...?

Hot air blowers
are incubators and spewers

of bacteria and pestilence.

Frankly, it'd be more hygienic

if they had a plague-infested gibbon
sneeze my hands dry.

Hey, guys, I just got
the most amazing news...

Do you think you'll ever be able to talk
in front of me without being drunk?

Okay, I'll just,

go eat by myself.

You don't have to do that.

It's okay, between him not talking,
him talking and him...

I'm better off alone.

Good-bye, you poor,
strange little man.

She's so considerate.

What's your news?

Remember that little planetary object
I spotted beyond the Kuiper Belt?

Oh, yeah, 2008-NQ Sub-17.

Or as I call it, Planet Bollywood.

Anyway, because of my discovery,
People magazine is naming me

one of their 30 under 30 to watch.


That's incredible.

Excuse me,

30 what under 30 what
to watch what?

30 visionaries under 30 years of age

to watch as they challenge
the preconceptions of their fields.

If I had a million guesses,
I never would have gotten that.

They've got me in with a guy who's doing
something about hunger in Indonesia,

and a psychotherapist who's using
dolphins to rehabilitate prisoners,

and Ellen Page,

star of the charming
independent film, Juno.

I'd so do her.

You'd do the dolphins.

Do I get an honorable
mention for designing

the telescope camera
mounting bracket you used?

Sorry, it's not part of my heartwarming
and personal narrative

in which a humble boy from New Delhi

overcame poverty and prejudice

and journeyed to America
to reach for the stars.

Your father's a gynecologist.

He drives a Bentley.

It's a lease.

I'm confused.

Was there some sort
of peer review committee

to determine which scientists
would be included?

Peer review?
It's People magazine.

People picked me.

- What people?
- The people from People.

But exactly who are these people?
What are their credentials?

How are they qualified?

What makes accidentally
noticing a hunk of rock

that's been traipsing around
the solar system for billions of years

more noteworthy than any other
scientific accomplishment

made by someone under 30?

Boy, I'll bet Ellen Page's friends
aren't giving her this kind of crap.

Are you proud of yourself?

In general, yes.

There's my missing neutrino.

You were hiding from me
as an unbalanced charge,

weren't you,
you little sub-atomic dickens?

Hey, look,
I found my missing neutrino.

Oh good, we can take it
off the milk carton.

We're going to apologize to Raj
and invite him out to dinner.

Apologize for what?

He came over last night
with some pretty good news

and we weren't very supportive.

I sense you're trying
to tell me something.

You were a colossal asshat.

No, I beg to differ.

Of the three of us, I was by far
the most supportive.

Really? Do tell.

How will Raj ever reach true greatness
if his friends lower the bar for him?

When I was 11,

my sister bought our father
a "World's Greatest Dad" coffee mug

and, frankly, the man coasted
until the day he died.

Okay, let's try it this way.

What if this People magazine thing
is the best he's ever gonna achieve?

I had not considered that.

Come on.

I often forget
other people have limitations.

It's so sad.

- He can feel sadness?
- Not really.

It's what you and I
would call condescension.

Now when we go in there,
let's show Raj that we're happy for him.

But I'm not.

Well, then fake it.

Look at me.
I could be grinding on the fact

that without my stabilizing
telescope mount

he never would have found that stupid,
little clump of cosmic schmutz.

But I'm bigger than that.

What do you want me to do?


Crap, that's terrifying.

We're here to see Koothrappali,
not kill Batman.

Try less teeth.

Close enough.
Come on.

- Hey, Raj.
- Hey, guys. What's up?

We just wanted
to invite you out to dinner.

To celebrate your
"30 under 30" thing.

Right, Sheldon?

That's very nice of you.
I would like that.

Hello, boys.
Dr. Gablehauser.

- Dr. Koothrappali.
- Dr. Gablehauser.

- Dr. Hofstader.
- Dr. Gablehauser.

- Dr. Cooper.
- Dr. Gablehauser.

Mr. Wolowitz.

Boys, I've got a question for you:
Who in this room

discovered a star?

Actually, 2008-NQ Sub-17
is a planetary body.

I'm not talking about you,
I'm talking about me.

You, my exotic young friend,

are my star.

But you didn't discover him.
You merely noticed he was here,

much like he did
with 2008-NQ Sub-17.


Boy, we've got to get you
into a better office.

Something more suited
to your status.

You don't have to go to any trouble.

How about Von Gerlich's old office?

I'd rather have Fishbein's.
It's bigger.

Wait a minute,
I called dibs on Fishbein's office

the day he started showing up
at work in his bathrobe.

He gets a new office, I can't even get
paper towels in the men's room?

Damn, this is hard.

Let me ask you something.

What do you think
the business of this place is?

- Science?
- Money.

Told you.

And this boy's picture
in People magazine

is gonna raise us a pile
of money taller than...

well, taller than you.

I have a Master's degree.

Who doesn't?

Have you ever had lunch
in the president's dining room?

I didn't even know there was
a president's dining room.

It's the same food
as the cafeteria, only fresh.

- Come on, little buddy.
- Okay, big buddy.

See you tonight, guys.

You can stop smiling now.

So anyway, after a fantastic lunch,

I was whisked off
to the People magazine photo shoot...

Have any of you boys
ever been to a photo shoot?

It's fantastic.

the camera loves me and I, it.

They shot me in front of a starry
background where I posed like this.

They're going to digitally add
a supernova.

They say it's the perfect metaphor
for my incandescent talent.

Right, a ball of hot, flaming gas
that collapses upon itself.

Excuse me.
Oh, it's my assistant, Trevor.

Go for Koothrappali.

They gave him an assistant?

If I want a new pen, I have to go
to the bank with wire cutters.

Have we at this point
met our social obligations?

Not yet.

Okay, just put it on my calendar,

but start thinking of a reason
why I can't go.

All righty?
Koothrappali out.

God bless that boy.
I don't know what I'd do without him.

You just got him this afternoon.

Yes, but I'm finding
that having a lackey suits me.

A lackey?

I'm sorry.
Is that politically incorrect?

In India, we just call them

- Now?
- Almost.

Speaking of untouchables,
I've got great news for you guys.

People magazine is having
a reception this Saturday

and I managed to get you invited.

- Gee, thanks.
- You're welcome.

Of course, I couldn't get you
into the VIP section

because, you know, that's for VIPs

and you guys are just,
you know... P's.

There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea

where, when a hunter
flaunts his success

to the rest of the village,
they kill him

and drive away evil spirits
with a drum made of his skin.

Superstious nonsense, of course,

but one can see their point.

Here you go, Raj.
You might want to drink this one slowly.

So, Saturday night,
can I count on my posse?

Gee, I'd love to, Raj,
but I can't make it.

No, I could...

I can make it. But I won't.

What are you talking about?

There's a reception
for my magazine article on Saturday.

And you guys aren't going?

I can't believe you. Raj is celebrating
a tremendous accomplishment

and you're not even going
to support him?

A tremendous accomplishment would be
if the planetary body he discovered

were plummeting toward Earth
and he exploded it with his mind.

That would be cool.
I'd go to that reception.

Come on, this is huge.
Raj is gonna be in People magazine,

and he didn't even have to knock up
one of the Spears sisters.

Would you like to go with me?

Of course I would.
I would be honored.

Really? Cool.

Shame on you guys.

Look at that,
I got a date with Penny.

I can't believe
it took you a whole year.

- Now?
- Now.

Hey, buddy,

I'm going to be
in People magazine.

Yeah, call me
when you're on the cover.

Raj, look at you!

I know. I'm resplendent
like the noonday sun, am I not?

Yeah. Starting with the champagne
a little early, aren't you?

It was in the limo.
They sent a limo.

I have a limo.
I just love saying "limo."

- Sip on it while you're getting ready.
- I'm ready.

That's what you're wearing?

Why, what's wrong with it?

Nothing. I was just hoping
for something a little more, you know,


Yeah. Well, this is all the donkulous
you're gonna get tonight.

Okey-dokey, let's roll.

All right, it's time
to raise the roof!

- Hey, Leonard.
- Dude.

You look very nice.

Thank you.

- Come on. Good night.
- Good night.

Hey, Leonard, do you
see my limo downstairs?

It's bigger than the house
my grandfather grew up in.

- Terrific.
- It has more food, too.

Come on. Come on.

Good news. You don't have to sulk
about Penny anymore.

There are hundreds of Croatian women
just waiting for you to contact them.

I'll lend you my user name.
It's "Wealthy Big Penis."

You're joking.

You gotta make it easy for 'em.
They're just learning English.


So you're just gonna
sit around here and mope

while Penny is out with Dr. Apu
from the Kwik-E Mart?

It's not a date,
and that's racist.

It can't be racist.

He's a beloved character
on The Simpsons.

Let's just eat
so I can get to bed.

With any luck, tonight will be the night
my sleep apnea kills me.

Did you ask for the chicken
with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?

Even though the menu description
specifies "shredded"?

Brown rice, not white?

Did you stop at the Korean grocery
and get the good hot mustard?

Did you pick up the low sodium
soy sauce from the market?

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

What took you so long?

- Just sit down and eat.
- Fine.

All right, it's shredded.
What do you want me to do?

I want you to check
before you accept the order.


Were you distracted by the possibility
that Koothrappali

might have intercourse
with Penny tonight?

He's not going to have
intercourse with Penny.

Then there's no excuse
for this chicken.

You know, this situation
with Koothrappali

brings to mind
a story from my childhood.

Oh, goody, more tales
from the panhandle.

That's northwest Texas.
I'm from east Texas,

the Gulf region,
home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.

Do the shrimpers feature
in your story?

when I was eight,

a Montgomery Ward delivery van
ran over our family cat Lucky.

- Lucky?
- Yes, Lucky.

He's irony-impaired.
Just move on.

Dead cat named Lucky.

While others mourned Lucky,

I realized his untimely demise

provided me with the opportunity
to replace him

with something more suited
to my pet needs:

a faithful companion
that I could snuggle with at night,

yet would be capable of killing
upon telepathic command.

So not a puppy?

Please, nothing so pedestrian.

I wanted a griffin.

A griffin?

Yes, half eagle, half lion.

And mythological.


I was studying
recombinant DNA technology,

and I was confidant I could create one,
but my parents were unwilling

to secure the necessary
eagle eggs and lion semen.

Of course, my sister got swimming
lessons when she wanted them.

Not that we don't all enjoy
a good lion semen story,

- but what's your point?
- My point is

if Koothrappali is moving on

to a new life
of shallow undeserved fame,

perhaps this is an opportunity
to create a better cohort.

You want to breed a new friend?

That's one option,
but who has the time?

But consider this--
the Japanese are doing

some wonderful work
with artificial intelligence.

Now, you combine that
with some animatronics

from the imagineers over at Disney,

next thing you know,
we're playing Halo

with a multilingual Abraham Lincoln.

Don't take this the wrong way,
but you're insane.

That may well be, but the fact is

it wouldn't kill us
to meet some new people.

For the record, it could kill us
to meet new people.

They could be murderers
or the carriers of unusual pathogens.

And I'm not insane.
My mother had me tested.

If we do get a new friend,
he should be a guy you can trust.

- A guy who has your back.
- And he should have a lot of money

and live in a cool place by the beach
where we could throw parties.

- And share our love of technology.
- And he should know a lot of women.

Let's see, money,
women, technology.

Okay, we're agreed.
Our new friend is going to be Iron Man.

Welcome to the Raj Mahal.

It's very nice.
Good night.

- Wait. The evening's not over.
- Yes, it is.

No, it's time to put on some R. Kelly
and suck face.

Is the evening over?

Wait, wait, wait!

That's my mommy and daddy
calling from India.

- I want you to meet my parents.
- Wait. Meet them?

Hello, Mommy, Daddy.
Good to see you.

How are you?
I'm not drunk.

- Why would you say that?
- Just making conversation.

Mommy, Daddy, I want you
to meet my new squeeze, Penny.

I'm not your squeeze.
There is no squeezing.

I can't see her.
Center her in the frame.

Here you go. Cute, huh?

She's not Indian.

So she's not Indian.
The boy is just sowing some wild oats.

There's no sowing, no squeezing
and no sucking face.

What if he gets her pregnant?

Is this little hotsy-totsy who you want
as the mother of your grandchildren?

What right do you have to pick
with whom I can have children with?

Look, Rajesh, I understand,
you're in America.

You want to try
the "local cuisine."

Trust me.
You don't want it for a steady diet.

Now you listen to me.
I am no longer a child

and I will not be
spoken to like one.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go throw up.

- What's wrong with him?
- I don't know.

Maybe it's the local cuisine.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

I'm just gonna
set you on down over here.

And I'm gonna leave, so...


And FYI, you'd be lucky
to have me as a daughter-in-law.

She's feisty.

I like that.

Raj, what are you doing?

No notes. If you have
something to say to me, say it.


Sweetie, it's okay.