The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Codpiece Topology - full transcript

Sheldon is annoyed when Leonard turns to Leslie for comfort after seeing Penny with another guy.

Worst. Renaissance. Fair. Ever.

Please let it go, Sheldon.

It was rife
with historical inaccuracies.

For example, the tavern girl
serving flagons of mead.

Her costume
was obviously Germanic.

But in 1487,

the Bavarian purity laws,
or Reinheitsgebot,

severely limited
the availability of mead.

At best, they would have had
some sort of spiced wine.

- You're nitpicking.
- Oh, really?

Well, here's another nit for you:
the flagons

would not have been made
of polypropylene.

Renaissance fairs
aren't about historical accuracy.

They're about taking chubby girls
who work at Kinko's

and lacing them up
in corsets so tight

their bosom jumps out
and says, "Howdy."

Bosoms would not have said
"howdy" in the 15th century.

If anything,
they would've said, "Huzzah."

I don't care
what the bosoms say.

I just want to be part
of the conversation.

Hi, guys.

Looks like you've been
to the renaissance fair...

I'm hoping.

Renaissance fair? More of a medieval,
slash, Age of Enlightenment,

slash, any-excuse-to-wear-a-codpiece

Okay, fine, whatever.
This is my friend Eric.

- Hello.
- Hey.

So, yeah, good to see you.

It's good to see you, too.

We should probably go.
Bye, guys.

I like your hat.

Thanks, my mom made it.

Penny with a new guy,
tr?s awkward.

It wasn't awkward.

It wasn't fun.

Besides, what's the big deal?

We dated, we stopped dating,
and now we're both moving on.

By moving on, do you mean
she's going out with other men

and you spent the afternoon
making 15th-century soap with Wolowitz?

That was not 15th century soap.
My God, those people need to learn

you can't just put "ye olde"
in front of anything you want

and expect to get away with it.

Can we please just go in?
My chain mail's stuck in my underwear.

You're wearing modern underwear?

Relatively modern.

What are you wearing?

I fashioned historically accurate
undergarments out of linen.

You bought linen?

Don't be silly...
I borrowed one of your pillowcases.


I'm happy that Penny's moving on.

It gives me the freedom
to move on myself.

Are you saying
that you've been holding back?

Of course.
Out of respect.

So, how do you explain
the ten years before Penny?

Who were you respecting then?

Well, I've dated plenty of women.

There was Joyce Kim...

Leslie Winkle...

Notify the editors
of the Oxford English Dictionary.

The word "plenty" has been
redefined to mean "two."

What about that girl
last year at Comic-Con?

- Doesn't count.
- Why not?

What happens in costume
at Comic-Con stays at Comic-Con.

You're saying that
because of what happened to you.

- What happened to you?
- Nothing happened to me.

It wasn't your fault.

He was dressed as a green
Orion slave girl.

How did we get on me?!

We were mocking Leonard
for not moving on.

Dude, you have totally not moved on.

Yes, I have.

It's just a matter of actually
making a date with someone.

Like who?

Well... there's Joyce Kim.

But she defected
back to North Korea, so...

it's a little
geographically undesirable.

- What about Leslie Winkle?
- Oh, no.

- Why?
- Her research methodology is sloppy,

she's unjustifiably arrogant
about loop quantum gravity,

and to make matters worse,
she's often mean to me.

- I think she's smoking hot.
- I'd hit that.

You'd hit particulate soil
in a colloidal suspension.


I like Leslie, but she's not interested
in dating

as much as using men
as tools for stress release.

Yeah, so? Be a tool.

Go get yourself a little rebound
"stress release."

Technically, it would only
be rebound if he and Penny

had actually engaged
in physical intimacy.

Like you and Richard the slave girl?

I bought him dinner
and we kissed once! That was it.

And he told me
his name was Kimberly.

You know how I know
we're not in the matrix?


If we were,
the food would be better.

Hey, Leonard.

- Hey, Leslie.
- Hey, dummy.

Hello, to you...

insufficiently intelligent person.

Ooh, rush me to the burn unit.

Do you have a second?
I need to ask you something.

- Sure.
- If you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go do work

that promises significant results,
as opposed to what you do...

which does not.

Yeah, you heard me.

So, I heard your relationship
with Penny crashed to the ground

like blue ice falling out
of an airplane lavatory.

Where did you hear that?

Actually, I read it.
Wolowitz texted me.

"Like blue ice falling out
of an airplane lavatory," yeah.

I thought it was a pretty good one.
I gave him an LOL.

Anyway, it got me thinking.
Now that you're unattached,

maybe we can revisit
our previous attachment.

Are you suggesting another bout
of stress release?

No, I'm all done with casual sex.
From now on, I'm fully committed

to the traditional
relationship paradigm.

- Really? What changed?
- It's hard to say.

I guess there's a time
in every woman's life

when she gets tired
of waking up on a strange futon

with a bunch of people
she doesn't know.

Yeah, I can see how that would--
a bunch of people?

Anyway, I figure it's time
to slow things down and,

who better to slow things down
with than you?

I'm flattered.


how do you suggest we proceed?

Your place, we'll order Chinese,
you'll rent a movie--

artsy, but accessible--
then light petting, no coitus.

Sounds fun.

I'll leave the details up to you.
It's better if you assume the male role.

Thank you, that's very thoughtful.


Call me.

Great news.
My mom sent me my old Nintendo 64.

- Terrific.
- You know what this means, don't you?

Break out the Red Bull,
it's time to rock Mario, old school.

- I kind of have other plans tonight.
- But it's Friday.

Friday's always vintage game night.

Look, Mom included the memory card.

We can pick up right
where I left off in 1999

when I had pernicious anemia.

The thing is, someone's coming over.

No problem. I have three controllers.
The more the merrier.

It's a date.
I have a date coming over.

You can't blame me for not
jumping to that conclusion.

Why? What's so unusual
about me having a date?

- Statistically speaking...
- All right, all right.

Nevertheless, I have one now
and I'd appreciate it if you would,

make yourself scarce.

I'm a published theoretical physicist
with two doctorates

and an IQ which can't be accurely
measured by normal tests.

How much scarcer could I be?

You know what I mean.
Could you just give us a little privacy?

- You want me to leave the apartment?
- Yes.

You mean, just go
someplace else and be...

someplace else?


Why should I leave?
This is my apartment, too.

I know,

and if science ever discovers
a second member of your species

and you two would like some privacy,

I'd be more than happy
to get out of your way.

Well, all right then.

What are you doing?

Playing Super Mario

on a poorly coded
Nintendo 64 emulator.

Why are you doing it on the stairs?

I am a modern day Napoleon
exiled to the Elba of the staircase

because Leonard, get this,
has a date.

Good for him.

Why are you sitting here? Why don't you
just go to a movie or something?


- Yeah, why not?
- What if I choke on my popcorn?

Who will administer
the Heimlich maneuver?

Then don't order popcorn.

No popcorn at the mo...
listen to yourself.

- Why don't you go to a coffee shop?
- I don't drink coffee.

They have other things.

What do they have?

You know, cookies, pastries...

Pastries such as bear claws?

- Yeah, sure.
- I don't like bear claws.

Hey, Penny.


Leslie Winkle.

Of all the overrated physicists
in all the labs in all the world,

why does it have to be
Leslie Winkle?

They have a lot in common.
I mean, they're both scientists.

Oh, please. The only way she could make
a contribution to science

would be if they resumed
sending chimps into space.

Okay, well, I have a date, too,
so I'll see ya.

Everybody has a date.

Even you, Mario,
going after Princess Peach.

And what am I doing?
I'm just enabling you.

- This is pretty good orange chicken.
- Yeah, it's from Chang's.

- Not Chow's?
- No, Chang's.

- What happened to Chow's?
- It changed.


how many children
do you think we should have?

I'm sorry.
That was a little abrupt.

A little?

There are so many things to talk about
before we discuss reproduction.

I sure hope so.

Besides shortness, what genetic
weaknesses run in your family?

Sorry to interrupt.

Battery's dying. Continue.

Genetic weakness, right.

There's the lactose intolerance.

Don't forget
the male-pattern baldness.

When his uncles sit around
the dinner table,

they look like a half carton of eggs.

Okay, my uncles are bald,

but my Aunt Edna is one
of the hairiest women you'll ever meet.

Sweet lady.

Always tickles when she hugs me.

- What now?
- I have to make pee-pee.

I'm sorry
about all of Sheldon's interruptions.

He can be a bit of an eccentric.

If by "eccentric"
you mean passive-aggressive

East Texas blowhole, I agree.

I think tonight was a very good start.

Me, too.

You sure you're okay
postponing intercourse

until our relationship is past
the initial viability test?

No problem, I'm very skilled
at postponing intercourse.

I guess I'll call you
and we'll arrange another evening.

I believe protocol dictates you wait
a minimum of 18 hours before you call

so I'm not repulsed
by your cloying eagerness.


Again, it's your decision.
You're the man.

It wasn't my cat.

It was an experiment
designed by this guy named Schroedinger.

From the Charlie Brown cartoons?

No, he was some kind of scientist.
Let me start again.

- Hey, Leonard.
- Hello.

- Leslie.
- Hi.

Okay, well... good night.

Okay, good night.

That ain't gonna make your point.

That's enough.

Call me.


Okay, good night.

- What?
- Had a great time. Ciao.

I'm sorry, I am not going back
to the Renaissance fair.

Come on,

there's so few places
I can wear my jester costume.

I don't care.

There are far too many
historical anomalies for my comfort.

Okay, how about this?

You can go dressed
as a Star Trek science officer

exploring a planet similar
to Earth in the 1500s.

You mean, like Spock?



Hey, fellow scientists...

Why don't we all move over there
so Leslie can join us?

Let's do it.

If you're having trouble
deciding where to sit,

may I suggest one potato, two potato?

Or as I call it, "the Leslie Winkle
experimental methodology."

- Don't make this hard for me.
- It's not hard.

It's simple.

You can either sit with me,
your friend, colleague and roommate

or with an overrated scientist
you might have sex with.

You're right, it is simple.

- Hey, Sheldon.
- Penny.

Third floor tonight...
mixing it up?

I still don't understand why you don't
go to dinner or something.

All right,
let's say I go to dinner alone,

and during the meal,
I have to use the restroom.

How do I know
someone's not touching my food?

Good night, Sheldon.

Penny, hold on.

Are you sure things can't
work out with you and Leonard?

Excuse me?

I'm just wondering

if you really gave it
the old college try.

Or in your case,
the old community college try.

Okay, where is this coming from?

Leonard is upstairs right now
with my archenemy.

Your archenemy?

The Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic.

The Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man,
the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel.

I get it.

It's amazing how many supervillains
have advanced degrees.

Graduate school should do a better job
of screening those people out.

Sheldon, come back.
You're losing me.

It's Leslie Winkle, Penny.

She belittles my research.

Sweetie, I'm sorry.

She called me "dumbass."

I know. I heard.

Given this situation,

I have no choice but to withdraw
my previous objections

to your ill-considered
relationship with Leonard.

Gee, well, thank you for that.

But I think for now,

Leonard and I are just gonna
stay friends.

No, that response
is unacceptable to me.

Sheldon, you are
a smart guy...

I'm "smart"?

I'd have to lose 60 IQ points
to be classified as "smart."

- Are you gonna let me talk?
- I'm sorry.

You must know that if Leonard
and Leslie want to be together,

nothing you can do is gonna stop it.

You continue to underestimate
my capabilities, madam.

Let me put it this way.
If you're really Leonard's friend,

you will support him
no matter who he wants to be with.

Wait a minute.
Why am I doing all the giving here?

If Leonard's really my friend,
why doesn't he have to support me

and my hatred of Leslie Winkle?

Because love trumps hate.

Now you're just making stuff up.

Okay, good night, Sheldon.


If only I could control everyone
the way I control you.

Hop, you little plumber,
hop, hop, hop.

When the two of you reach
a natural stopping point,

I'd like to have a word.

If the word is "pee-pee,"
just do it.

Leonard, you're my friend,

and friends support
their friends... apparently.

So I'm withdrawing my objection

to your desire
to have a relationship with Leslie.

- Thank you.
- I will graciously

overlook the fact
that she is an arrogant,

subpar scientist who actually
believes loop quantum gravity

better unites quantum mechanics
with general relativity

than does string theory.

You kids have fun.

Hang on a second.

Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more
testable predictions than string theory.

I'm listening. Amuse me.

For one thing, we expect
quantized space-time to manifest itself

as minute differences in the speed
of light for different colors.

Matter clearly consists of tiny strings.

Are you gonna let him
talk to me like that?

Okay, well, there is a lot
of merit to both theories.

No, there isn't.
Only loop quantum gravity

calculates the entropy of black holes.

Sheldon, don't make that noise.
It's disrespectful.

I should hope so.
It was a snort of derision.

You agree with me, right?

Loop quantum gravity
is the future of physics.

Sorry, Leslie, I guess I prefer
my space stringy, not loopy.

I'm glad I found out the truth about you
before this went any further.

Truth? What truth?

We're talking about untested hypothes.
It's no big deal.

It isn't? Really?

Tell me,
how will we raise the children?

I guess we wait until they're old enough
and let them choose their own theory.

We can't let them choose.
They're children!

Where are you going?

I'm sorry.

I could have accepted our kids being
genetically unable to eat ice cream

or ever get a good view of a parade.

But this?

This is a deal breaker.

Look on the bright side.

What's the bright side?

Only nine more months
to Comic-con.

Captain, I'm getting
an unusual reading.

That's great.
You guys want corn dogs?

That's a temporal anomaly.

Corn dog's didn't come into existence
till the first half of the 20th century.