The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 18 - The Work Song Nanocluster - full transcript

Sheldon's assistance with Penny's home-based business leads to disaster.

Knight to queen's bishop-five.

Oh,very nice. What's
Leonard going to do?

Does he give up the pawn or
does he give up the position?

Let's find out. Leonard,ready?



Damn it. I slipped.

Too bad. You know the rules of
Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Chess.

Leonard died again,Sheldon. You're up.

Despite my deep love of chess,lasers
and aerosol disinfectant,I must forfeit.


- Because it's almost 11:00.
- So?

So,Penny has a "don't knock on my door before
11:00 or I punch you in the throat" rule.

Hey,you know what'd be a great idea?

We get some girls over here and
play Laser Optical Strip Chess.

Believe me,Howard,any girl who would be willing
to play that,you don't want to see naked.

You underestimate me.

Penny. Penny. Penny.


- It's 11:00 a.m.
- I know. You're safe.

This package came
while you were at work.

Oh,great,my rhinestones. Thank you.

- Excuse me.
- What?

- You have to sign this.
- What is it?

When I signed for the package,I was
deputized by the United Parcel Service

and entrusted with its final delivery.

I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package
so that I'm fully indemnified and no longer liable.

Sheldon,it's just a box of rhinestones.

Well,the contents are irrelevant.
A legal bailment has been created.

Does that mean nothing to you?

It means nothing to anybody.

Come here,let me show
you what I'm doing.

Bailment describes a
relationship in common law

where a physical possession of
personal property,or "chattels,"

is transferred from one person,the
bailor,to another person,the bailee...

ah,yeah,yeah. Look,look,look!
I started a business.

Obviously,not a cleaning business.

No,I'm making flower barrettes. See?

I call them Penny Blossoms.

I made one for myself,then all
the girls at work wanted one.

Then I showed some to this lady
who runs a shop in Old Town.

She sells cards and homemade jewelry.
She said she wanted to sell them.

I said,"Okay." And in
one week,I made a $156.

Good for you. Sign here.

Sheldon,don't you get it?

If this takes off,I won't
have to be a waitress anymore.

But then who will bring me my
cheeseburger on Tuesday nights?

- Another waitress.
- What's her name?

I don't know.

And you're going to
let her handle my food?

Nancy. Her name is Nancy.

I think you're just making that up.

Sheldon,I'm sorry about
your hamburger,okay?

I just don't want to be a
waitress for the rest of my life.

Cheeseburger. I get a cheeseburger.


Maybe I'd be better off with Nancy.

So,what do you think? I mean,this
could be a business,right?

How many of these can you make a day?

About 20.

And how much profit do you
make per... Penny Blossom?

I don't know,like,50
cents. I'm not sure.

Of course you're not. All right...

Ten dollars a day times five days a
week times 52 weeks a year is $2,600.

- That's all?
- Before taxes.

I don't have to pay taxes on this stuff.

I believe the Internal Revenue
Service would strongly disagree.

But,if you took advantage of modn marketing
techniques,and you optimized your manufacturing process,

you might be able to make
this a viable business.

And you know about that stuff?


I'm a physicist.

I have a working knowledge of the entire
universe and everything it contains.

Who's Radiohead?

I have a working knowledge of the
important things in the universe. Good luck.

Sheldon,hold on.

Could you maybe show me how
to make more money with this?

- Of course I could.
- Sheldon,wait!

Will you?

Just to be clear here,you're
asking for my assistance.


And you understand that will
involve me telling you what to do?

I understand.

And you're not allowed to be sarcastic
or snide to me while I'm doing so.



Let's begin with the premise that everything
you've done up to this point is wrong.

Oh,imagine that.

- Sarcasm. Good-bye.
- No,sorry. Wait!

Please come back!


The Big Bang
Theory Season02 Episode18

There. Done.

All right. 12 minutes and 17 seconds.

Pretty good,right?

That's 4. 9 Penny Blossoms per hour.

Based on your cost of materials
and your wholesale selling price,

you'll effectively be paying
yourself... $5.19 a day.

A day?

There are children in a sneaker
factory in Indonesia who outearn you.

That just can't be right.

- You're questioning my math?
- No,sorry.

- Want me to show my work?
- Oh,God,no.

- Just please tell me what to do about it.
- All right.

Are you familiar with the development
that resulted from Honor\ Blanc's

1778 use of interchangeable parts?

The assembly line,of course.

Okay,you know what,if I'm not allowed to be
snide,you're not allowed to be condescending.

That wasn't a part of our original
agreement,and I don't agree to it now.

All right,fine. How are we supposed to set up
machines and conveyor belts in my apartment?

You're thinking of the moving assembly line,an
understandable but not excusable mistake.

No. The...

The moving assembly line,that was
introduced by Henry Ford in 1908.

That innovation is what made
possible our modern consumer culture

by enabling a low-unit
cost for manufactured goods.

I guess that isn't one of the
topics discussed on your Radiohead.

Let's go. We're going to
miss the coming attractions.

What's the matter?

I think I bruised a testicle
capturing that last pawn.

* Please pay attentn and listen to me*

* Give me some time
to blow the man down *

* I'm a deepwater sailor
just come from Hong Kong *

* Give me way,hey,blow the man down *

* If you give me some
whiskey I'll sing you a song *

* Give me some time
to blow the man down.*


- Hello.
- Hello.

* Come quickly lay aft
To the break of the poop *

* To me way,hey,blow the man down *

* Or I'll help you along
with the toe of my boot *

* Give me some time
to blow the man down.*

going on?

I assume you're referring
to the sea shanty.

It's a rhythmic work song
designed to increase productivity.

Yeah,it's crazy,but it totally works.

Look,we made this Penny
Blossom in under three minutes.

Terrific,but that kind of raises
more questions than it answers.

Penny's making hair accessories.

I'm helping her optimize
her manufacturing process.

All right,break's over.

* Pay attention to orders
now you one and all...*

Hold on. What are you
using as a bonding agent?

- Hot glue.
- You're kidding.

Any of the cyanoacrylates
would do a better job.

It won't work,the flower's too porous.

What if we infused the bottom layer with
silicone-RTV to provide a better mounting surface?


Good question. ****tion channels?

Well,there are the waitresses at my
work,and this cute,little shop in Old Town...

virtually non-existent.

I'm thinking that we set her up with a
hosted turnkey e-commerce system to start.

Why not eliminate the middle man?

We couldnstall a small server farm
with a static IP in her bedroom.

She'd need some kind of
industrial cooling system.

Of course,but before we set up a
marketing and distribution infrastructure,

we should finish optimizing
the manufacturing process.

To start with,she has a terrible problem
with moisture-induced glitter clump.

Yeah,it's a bitch.

Uh,I've seen this before.


It's a common stripper probl.

They dance,they sweat,they clump.

Are you thinking about adding a
desiccant like calcium sulfate?

Actually,I'm thinking about
this one stripper named Vega.

But sure,calcium sulfate uld work.

Let's think out of the box for a moment.

How about a molecular sieve?

I've got a spaghetti
strainer in the kitchen.

Hey,we could liberate some
micro-porous charcoal from the chem lab.

Oh,great. Raj,why don't you
and Howard go get the charcoal?

Leonard,why don't you start working
on some preliminary Web site designs.

I'll make some space in our apartment
so we can move the manufacturing process.

Well,what's wrong with my apartment?

It's not my apartment.

Wait,wait,what am I going to do?

Uh,hey,it's your business.
Do whatever you want.


I'm going to take a nap.

I'm still tweaking things a little bit,but this
will give you the general idea of the Web site.

So,what do you guys think?

Uh,pretty much any way I say that
is going to hurt his feelings.

Okay,what's wrong with it?

- What's wrong with it?
- Not you. I wasn't asking you.


Uh,well,it's a little juvenile.

I mean,it kind of looks like the
MySpace page of a 13-year-old girl.

No,it doesn't.

Please. Dateline could use
it to attract predators.

Penny,this is your enterprise,so
it's ultimately your decision,

but based on the quality of his work,I'd
strongly recommend that we let Leonard go.

You want to fire me?

What I want is irrelevant.
This is Penny's decision.


Excuse me,but if I did such a bad job
then why do we already have orders?

- We do?
- Look.

Mrs. Fiona Fondell from
Huntsville,Alabama has ordered two.

No kidding. Two?

Look at the comments.

"Thank you,Penny Blossoms. These will
be perfect to cover my bald spot."

that... that is so sweet.

Camouflaging bald spots.

That's primarily a male concern.

Perhaps we could expand our market.

How are flower barrettes
going to appeal to men?

We add Bluetooth!

Brilliant. Men love Bluetooth.

Wait a minute,wait a minute,you want
to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth?

Penny,everything is
better with Bluetooth.

Holy crap. Someone just ordered
a thousand Penny Blossoms.

Get out!

Who needs a thousand sparkly
flower barrettes with rhinestones?

"The Fifth Annual East Rutherford,New
Jersey,Gay,Lesbian,Bisexual and Transgender Alliance Luau."

Oh,another market to expand
into-- balding gay men.

And I'll bet lesbians love Bluetooth.

We should get to work.

Wait,wait,why does
it say "one-day rush"?

Since when do we offer a one-day rush?

Amazon offers one-day rush.

Yeah,but they don't have
to glue the books together.

How the hell are we going to make a
thousand Penny Blossoms in one day?

Don't yell at me. I'm not
manufacturing. I'm just Web design.

Okay,well,I'm gonna have to
call them and cancel the order.

Excuse me,but was this not your goal?

Financial independence through
entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation?

My brilliance and
innovation,of course,but still.

I just don't see how
we can pull this off.

That,right there,that equivocation and
self-doubt,that is not the American spirit.

Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo?

Did Jim Bowie?

They didn't quit. They were massacred...

by like a gazillion angry Mexicans.

Let me put it this way.

Your gross receipts on this one order
will be over $3,000 for one night's work.

You guys get started.

- What are you doing?
- Going online to buy shoes!

She'll be coming round
the mountain when she comes

She'll be coming round
the mountain when she comes

She'll be coming round the mountain
She'll be coming round the mountain...

You know,if I wanted to spend my Saturday
nights doing this,I could have stayed in India.

Oh,stop with the fake third world crap.

Your father's a gynecologist. And
you had a house full of servants.

We only had four servants.

And two of them were children.

How we doing?

We have 128 assorted Penny
Blossoms ready to ship.

Oh,God,we're never gonna finish in time.

Who made Sheldon the boss anyway?

I believe I'm hearing some
negativity on the factory floor.


Penny,the labor force is a living
organism that must be carefully nurtured.

Any counterproductive grumbling must be
skillfully headed off by management. Observe.

Less talk,more work!

- Nicely done.
- Thank you.

You hear any union talk,you let me know.

* Someone's in the
kitchen with Dinah...*

* Someone's in the
kitchen I know-ow-ow-ow *

* Someone's in the
kitchen with Dinah...*

Sheldon? Sheldon!

'Cause I sold my soul
to the company store.

Honey,do you want some coffee?

I don't drink coffee.

Come on,but if you don't stay
awake we'll never finish in time.

I'm sorry,coffee's out of the question.

When I moved to California,I promised my
mother that I wouldn't start doing drugs.


Sheldon,we still have 380
of these things to make.

I have complete faith that
you will make them. Good night.


But,Sheldon,without your insight and leadership
this entire enterprise will surely fail.

You're right,of course.

Here,this will help.

Very well,but if this leads
to opiates or hallucinogenics,

you're going to have
to answer to my mother.

Look at Planck's Constant.
People say it's arbitrary.

It could not be less arbitrary.

If it varied slightly,life as
we know it would not exist. Bam!

Now,now,let's reconsider the entire argument,but
with entropy reversed and effect preceding cause.

So you are thinking of a universe
that's not expanding from the center--

no,it is retreating from
a,from a possibility space. Bam!

This is a space where we are all
essentially Alice through the looking glass,

standing in front the Red Queen,and we're
being offered a cracker to quench our thirst.


Of course,in another universe,let's
call it universe prime,

there's another Sheldon,let's
call him Sheldon prime...

- We should have let him go to bed.
- Bam.

I can't believe we actually did it.

1,000 friggin' Penny Blossoms.

I just want you guys to know I
am really grateful for your help.

And for ever dollar I make,I'm
going to give you 20 cents.

That's your entire profit margin.

Then never mind.

I'll print out the shippi label.


We got an e-mail from the East Rutherford,New
Jersey,Gay,Lesbian,Bisexual and Transgender Alliance.

They want another
thousand Penny Blossoms.


One-day rush.

I really need to take
that off the Web site.

d better get started.

You can't be serious.

Come on. What about the living organism
of the workforce and the American spirit?

And Jiminy Crockett at the Alamo?

Davy Crockett. Jiminy
Crockett was a cricket.

Yes,yes,I know that,okay?

I'm tired-- I've had
like 18 cups of coffee.

The point is,if we just
pull together,we can do this.

Who's with me?

Penny,although you may find it
hard to believe,we do have lives.



My apologies to the gay community
of East Rutherford,New Jersey.


Where's the coffee?

We're all out.

No problem.

I'll be back before this
banana hits the ground.



Sorry,guys,but Secret Agent Laser
Obstacle Lunch is just stupid.