The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Vartabedian Conundrum - full transcript

Leonard tries to slow down his relationship with Stephanie when he realizes that they are living together, while Sheldon becomes convinced that he has an untraceable disease.

- I don't see anything at all, Sheldon.
- Ugh.

You're the doctor, but I'm constantly
hearing this annoying sound.

Me too.

Is it a high-frequency whistle?

No, it's more of a relentless,
narcissistic drone.

Yeah, there's no inflammation at all,

Then it must be a tumor.

I seriously doubt it.

Maybe it's a lingering bacterial infection
from all those childhood toilet swirlies.

Is that possible?
I used to get those all the time.

Even in church.

Well, you know, if it is from a swirly,
there's something I can do, okay. Ahem.

Circle, circle, dot, dot,
now you have a cootie shot.

- I'm going to bed.
- Okay.

- I'll be right in.
- Okay.

It's not enough she mocks me...

...but that isn't even the correct procedure
for a cootie shot.

Do you understand that Stephanie's
not here to treat your imaginary ailments?

How is it imaginary that
I keep hearing an octave above middle C?


Is that imaginary?


I don't think so.


- Good night.
- Leonard, there's one more thing.

Article One, Section Three
of our roommate agreement.

- I'm calling an emergency meeting.
- No, you're not.

Leonard moves the meeting not occur.
Second? None heard, the motion fails.

I'd like to begin the meeting
by congratulating you on the progress... your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.

- Thank you.
- And that being said...

...we have to discuss the implementation
of the cohabitation rider...

...which has been activated
now that you're living together.

- We're not living together.
- I beg to disagree. Ahem.

"A girlfriend shall be deemed, quote,
living with, unquote, Leonard...

...when she has stayed over,
A, 10 consecutive nights...

...or B, more than nine nights
in a three-week period, or C...

...all the weekends of a given month
plus three weeknights."

- That's absurd.
- No.

You initialed it. See? "L.H., L.H., L.H."

Okay, wait. I only initialed it
because I never thought it would happen.

I initialed another clause naming you
my sidekick in case I get superpowers.

Hm. Yes, you did.

Now to review, the following provisions
are hereby activated.

In the refrigerator, as opposed to two
separate shelves and one communal shelf...

...the three of us now get individual shelves
and the door becomes communal.

Next, apartment vacuuming shall be
increased from two to three times a week... accommodate the increased
accumulation of dead skin cells.

The bathroom schedule.
I'm given to understand...

...women have different needs,
so we'll have to discuss that.

- I'm going to bed.
- But, yeah, but...

At least take this with you.

Look, and have Stephanie
initial here, here, here, here...

...and here.

This states that she does not now...

...nor does she intend to play a percussive
or brass instrument.



Sure sounds like a tumor...

...pressing on the auditory nerve.

- No, absolutely not.
- It's not a big deal.

We have latex gloves.

I don't care what the symptoms are.

My girlfriend is not gonna give you
a prostate exam.

- Hi, Sheldon.
- Good morning, Dr. Stephanie.

I trust Leonard satisfied you
sexually last night?

Oh, good God.

Sheldon, we don't ask questions like that.

I heard you ask it over and over.

How is it inappropriate for me
to ask it once?

- He did very nicely.
- But see? She's not offended.

And now you finally have an answer.

- Out of coffee. Need coffee.
- Uh...

- Hello.
- Hi. Stephanie, right?

Mm-hm. And...? And you are?

I'm Penny. I live across the hall.

- Heard a lot about you.
- Really?

- Mm-hm. Ha, ha.
- I haven't heard a thing about you.

Leonard? Why haven't I heard a thing about
this woman who lives across the hall...

...and comes into your apartment
in the morning in her underwear?

Um. Uh...

She's heard about you
because we're, you know, involved...

...and you haven't heard about her

I never slept with her, I swear.

In Leonard's defense,
it wasn't for lack of trying.

- Thank you, Sheldon.
- You're welcome, Leonard.

Look, I'm just saying, um...

...Penny is one of our many neighbors,
you know.

And in our building,
neighbors come and go.

Well, it's very casual. No dress code or...

Some mornings, I'll mosey down
to the third floor in my pajamas...

...and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.

Really? I've never once been invited
to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.

She doesn't like you.

- Well, you have a gall bladder to remove.
- Yeah.

And I have to get in the shower
and Penny has clothes to put on, so...

- Well, it was very nice meeting you.
- Nice to finally meet you too.

- I'll see you tonight? Bye.
- Yeah. Bye-bye.

What could I possibly have done to offend
Mrs. Vartabedian?

So that's Stephanie, huh?

Why do I feel like I'm the one
that just got the prostate exam?

- You know, she seems very nice.
- Oh, she is. She's terrific.

And she's proving to be
a valuable roommate.

- Roommate? You guys are living together?
- Like hippies.

We're not living together.

Do I have to pull out
the paperwork again?

We're not living together.

- Are you sure?
- How could I not be sure?

Well, let's find out.

Don't you think if a woman was living
with me, I'd be the first one to know?

Oh, sweetie, you'd be the last one
to know about it.


Cute dresses.

I bet this looks great on you.

We're not living together.

Okay. Hmm.

Scented candles, fuzzy slippers. Ooh.

Floral bed sheets.

We're not living together.

Okay, moving on.

Uh, who are these guys at Disney World?


The big dog is Goofy.

And the older couple with the mouse ears,
I have no idea.

We're not living together.

You're gonna go down swinging, huh?

All right. Well, we got your body lotion,
your In Style magazine, your jewelry box.

We're not... Where's my Bat-Signal?

- You have a Bat-Signal?
- I did.

It was right here.

She must have...

Oh, my God, we're living together.

Really? What was your first clue?

New pants?

Yeah. Stephanie got them for me.

Nice. Cotton?

Actually, I think
it's more of a wool-fire ant blend.

The girlfriend's buying clothes for you, huh?
Sounds serious.

It is, actually.
In fact, I gave it a lot of thought...

...and I decided it was time
for us to live together.

Oh, Leonard, huge mistake.

There's a whole buffet of women out there
and you're just standing in the corner...

...eating the same deviled egg,
over and over again.

At least I have an egg.
What do you have?

A veritable smorgasbord
of potential sexual partners.

See the blond over there?

I can hit on her and you can't.

So go hit on her.

She's not my type.

Too bad.
She was checking you out before.

- She was?
- Of course not. Look at her.

You know, I don't care
what you guys think.

Stephanie and I are very happy
living together.

I will give either of you $20 right now
to trade pants with me.

- Sheldon? What are you doing here?
- Hang on.

130/80. That's a little high.

We can attribute that to the stress
of sneaking past the security desk.

Where did you get the stethoscope
and pressure cuff?

My Aunt Marion gave them to me
for my 12th birthday.

She thought if I failed at theoretical physics
that I should have a trade to fall back on.

And by the way, the blood pressure cuff
is called a sphygmomanometer.

- Thank you.
- Didn't teach you that in medical school?

- I'm kind of busy here.
- I understand.

All I need is for you to authorize
these tests.

Ha. A cardiac stress test,
a full-body MRI, an electromyogram...

...a CBC, baseline glucose, upper GI?

Oh, and exploratory laparoscopy.
The last time I had hiccups... felt like my diaphragm
was just going through the motions.

Go home, Sheldon.

Can I at least have the upper GI?

I already drank the barium.

Oh, hey.

Oh, good.
Do you have any fabric softener?

Yeah, sure.

What, are you washing a crocodile?

No. The pants that Stephanie got me.

Oh, sweetie, you can't machine wash these.
They'll be ruined.

- You sure?
- Absolutely.

Oh, no. I wish you'd told me that sooner.

- Are you guys having problems?
- No. Everything's fine.

- Really?
- Yeah, it's wonderful.

Okay, maybe this whole
living together happened...

...kind of suddenly,
but it's fine, it's great.

Okay, Leonard, if you're uncomfortable
with the way things are going...'re allowed to say something.

Are you sure? That doesn't sound right.

Believe me, your feelings
are just as important as hers.

No, that doesn't sound right either.

Tell her you need the relationship to move
at a pace you both are comfortable with.

Yeah, I could say something
like that to her.

I'll go do that.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

You have a really good grasp on this.

Maybe you could talk to her?

You're kidding, right?

No, but that's okay.

I'll go talk to her.

Wanna come with?



Oh, no.


You were right.
Your larynx is terribly inflamed.

- I mean, I've never seen anything like it.
- I knew it.

What do I do?

You're gonna need to stop talking,

- For how long should...?
- Eh, eh, eh!


- Hey.
- Oh, hi, honey.


What's going on?

I just performed a Sheldon-ectomy.

Careful. If you don't get it all,
it'll only come back worse.


- Gotcha.
- Listen, we need to talk.


Do we need to talk,
or do we need to talk.

I don't know what that means.

Okay, why don't you just tell me
what it is you have to tell me?

Okay. Um...

Well, look, it's just that...

...things between you and me
have been going pretty quick.

- And?
- It's just a little scary.

Well, yeah, but scary good, right?


When is scary not good?

- But... Okay. Um, I have feelings, right?
- Uh-huh.

Okay, and it's perfectly okay to express
those feelings, right?

Of course. Why don't you tell me
what you're feeling?

Okay, well, I ju... I think it's important
to remember that we move... a pace that is our speed and...

Oh, shoot, I had it.

Okay, how about this?
How about I tell you what I'm feeling?

What's that?

Really? Right now?

- Why not?
- I just ate.

Aren't you supposed to wait an hour?

I think that's for swimming.

- Ah. Okay.
- Okay.

- Hope I don't get cramps.
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Oh, I put your clothes in the dryer.
- Thank you.

- Your pants are ruined.
- Good.

So how did the talk with Stephanie go?

Well, um, on one level, really, really well.

So you told her you wanted
to slow things down?

Not specifically.
But, um, I did tell her that I had feelings.

Good. Good.

And then what?

And then the subject
got changed somehow.

You had sex, didn't you?


Little bit.

- What?
- Nothing.

Okay, well, it sounds like
things are gonna work out.

Yeah. Yeah, it's all good.

Everything's gonna work out,
one way or another.

God, come on, Leonard.

You are entitled to try and make things
go the way you want them to.

- Really?
- Yes.

You don't always have to go along
with what the woman wants.


- What?
- Nothing. Just rethinking my whole life.

Okay, here's the thing.

I'm afraid that if I ask her to move out,
she'll just dump me.

Well, that's a chance you have to take.

I mean, look, if it's meant to be, it'll be.

Very comforting.

Okay, so, what do I say to her?

I don't know.
What have women said to you...

...when they wanted
to slow a relationship down?

I really like you,
but I wanna see how things go with Mark?

Yeah, that'll slow it down.


I'm sorry, I totally interrupted you.
What were you saying?


Right, yeah. Um...

So, Stephanie, here's the thing.

- I really like you...
- Oh, God, here comes the speech.

What speech?

I really like you but maybe we should spend
a little less time together...

...because I need my space,
but I'll call you on Tuesday.

And then you never call me, so I call you,
but you don't call me back.

And then when I run into you
at the coffee shop... pretend you have problems
with voice mail...

...and I know that you're lying
but I pretend like I don't care...

...even though I'm dying inside.


No, no. Uh,
I wasn't gonna say any of that.

I was just gonna say...

- ...I really like you.
- Oh!

Oh, good, because I really like you too.


- Hey.
- Hey.


Nice sweater.

Yeah. Stephanie got it for me.
It's kind of fun.

It's got a big bird on it, dude.

Yeah, yeah. That's the fun part.

We're also getting new curtains for my
bedroom and a dust ruffle and a duvet.

And I don't even know what a duvet is,
but I'm sure if I did I wouldn't want one.

But every time I talk to her about
moving out, she cries and we have sex.

You're lucky.
With me, it's usually the other way around.

You know, if you can't talk to her,
why don't you just text her?

- Isn't that kind of cowardly?
- Oh, yeah. It's beyond contemptible.

That's true. But, on the other hand,
you are wearing a bird sweater.


"I think it would be better
for our relationship...

...if you moved back to your place."


- It's done.
- Good for you.

Yeah, good for me.

I'll never have sex again.


Oh, I was wrong. See you.





I have an inflamed larynx.


We are out of herbal tea.
Do you have any?

Okay. Let me check.

Some heinie would be nice too.



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