The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 11, Episode 10 - The Confidence Erosion - full transcript

Sheldon and Amy try to eliminate stress from wedding planning by applying math to the process ending up at city hall. Also, Raj "breaks up" with Howard after realizing his best friend is actually hurting his confidence.

This was a good idea.

It's been a long time
since we've had girls' night.

Yeah, it's so nice to
have a relaxing evening

at home doing nothing.

Yeah, really breaks up
the other 30 days

I've spent on bed rest
doing nothing.

Well, tonight we're gonna
make you forget all that.

You're gonna make me forget
I've been stuck in bed

while a baby uses my bladder
as a kickball?


Hey, you had unprotected sex
with Howard.

You deserve to be miserable.

Hey, I need some
fashion advice.

Really? From me?
I would love to...

Actually, Leonard told me
Penny was over here?

Hey, what's going on?
You got a date?

I, uh, do have a date...
with science.

Oh, what's science wearing?

The Griffith Observatory is
looking for an astrophysicist

to consult, and I have
an interview tomorrow.

Oh, I love the observatory.

They tell you your weight
on all the different planets.

Yeah. It's always
bikini season on Venus.

I think you'd be
great at that.

Don't you agree, Bernadette?

Huh? I'm listening.
I'm listening.

I'm not watching The Crown.

I just want to make a
good first impression,

and thought maybe you could
help me pick out an outfit?

Of course.
Let's see what you got.

Yeah, you just need
to pick something

that-that you feel
confident in.

I'm sorry.
I left my magic clothes at home.

I'm sure
these two options will be f...

So you-you have
other clothes at home?

Uh, it doesn't matter.

They're talking
to a bunch of people.

I probably won't get it anyway.

Well, don't say that.

Yeah, you have to
believe in yourself.

You know,
before I came to America,

I was filled with confidence.

What happened to me?

Hey, is that Raj there
at girls' night?

Well, hey.
Hey, Howard.

Just remember,
if you fall asleep first,

they're gonna
freeze your bra.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 11x10 ♪
The Confidence Erosion
Original Air Date

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

You and Amy having fun
planning your wedding?

We're employing a
mathematical approach

called decision theory,
so, heck, yeah.

Heck, yeah?

Looks like someone need to put a
dollar in the almost-swear jar.

We've assigned all wedding
decisions randomly,

and each of us
makes half of them.

You know, from
venue to officiant

to numbering system for the
tables: Roman or Dewey Decimal.

Why not hexadecimal?

'Cause this is our
wedding, not a joke.

- Hey, guys.
- Hello. - Hey.

Oh, good.
Raj is here

to tell us
today's specials.

Very funny. I have my interview
this afternoon.

Oh. If it doesn't work out,

you're ready to go
on your Mormon mission.

I-I don't understand
what's going on here.

Oh, what's going on here is

I'm up for a job
at the planetarium,

and Howard is
making fun of me.

Oh, that's great. You're
both doing what you love.

Well, I'm excited for you.

Oh, thanks, yeah.
I'd be in charge of developing

and narrating all
the planetarium shows.

And I really want this,

so it wouldn't kill you
to be more supportive.

But if it did, you could bury me
at the funeral home you direct.

Wait. The premise is that
he is dressed differently?


(laughing): That's true.
He is not dressed the same.

(Skype tones sound)

Hey, Dad.

Hello, Rajesh.

How was the interview?

Uh, not so great.

They asked me
what my biggest weakness was,

and 45 minutes later,
they thanked me for coming.

Son, don't take this the wrong
way, but what's your problem?

I would tell you, but apparently
it takes 45 minutes.

You know what?

I bet it's those friends
you surround yourself with.

Like that Howard,
always making fun of you.

Howard doesn't mean anything
by it.

I-I think it's cultural.

His people come
from a very sarcastic village

called Brooklyn.

Don't make excuses.

What kind of friend
acts that way?

Well, I-I guess...

It was a rhetorical question.

A bad friend!

Come on, Dad! That's just
our relationship, okay?

He makes Indian jokes,
and I laugh,

but, you know, with angry eyes
so he knows it's not okay.

I, too, was in a relationship

with someone who made me
feel bad about myself.

If you're talking about Mom,
I don't want to hear it.

I'm just saying,
if you replace Howard

with a nice 22-year-old
grad student,

your self-confidence will soar.

All right, Amy,
you're up.

Next decision.

Come on, first dance!

Come on, first dance!



That's a good one.

Just a suggestion--

hologram projected out of R2-D2.

Thanks for your input,
but this is my decision,

and I'm gonna go with...

Old English calligraphy
on Egyptian papyrus.

Oh, what a fun mashup.

It's like the chicken
and waffles of orthography.

Your turn.

(rhythmic clicking)


Ring bearer!

Boy, I'm so glad that
R2-D2 is still available.

You know,
this is really fun.

I can't believe that people say
that planning a wedding is one

of the most stressful things
in life.

I know. Not a day goes by
that I don't marvel

how much better we are
than other people.

I'm so sorry the
interview didn't go well.

Yeah, you would've
been perfect for it.

Oh, I just
get so nervous,

and then I start apologizing
for being nervous, and...

You guys don't want
to hear about this. I'm sorry.

Stop apologizing!

Oh, my God!

You sound just like
the woman at the interview!

Have you ever thought
about talking

to some kind of therapist
about all this?

Ugh. Maybe.

Hey, Leonard, do you think
your mom would be available?

Yeah, you don't want to do that.

Talking to my mom

to get more confidence
is like talking to a lion

to get more alive.

Well, my dad thinks

it's because Howard's always
making fun of me.

Well, that makes sense.

Well, what do you mean,
that makes sense?

Well, Howard does make fun
of him a lot.

Well, that's not
all Howard's fault.

I mean, if Raj doesn't want
to be made fun of, then I...

Hmm. I don't know a nice way
to finish this sentence.

Well, so you're on his side?

I'm just saying,

that's what friends do. You
know, they bust on each other.

It doesn't
mean anything.

Well, I'm not surprised
you think so.

Why is that?

Well, you can be
kind of mean to me.

Well, that's
because you're...

Wow. I don't know how
to finish that sentence, either.

You know what? I think we're
both done being disrespected.

I got a few rounds left in me.

Attaboy, champ.

Okay, let's see what
we've got so far.

I arrive in a Little House
on the Prairie style

horse-drawn buggy.

Where you are met with
an honor guard of stormtroopers.

Do you think
that might be jarring,

going from wholesome pioneers
to space Nazis?

I see what you're saying.

You're thinking
that you should arrive

in a replica
of Luke Skywalker's landspeeder.

It's not what I'm thinking,

and to save you

the trouble for the future,

it will never be
what I'm thinking.

Well... if the ushers are
so important to you,

what if I
propose a trade?

You may pick that, and I will
decide, say, first dance.

Great. Then the ushers
will be... my cousins

dressed in frontier frock coats.

And the first dance will be
that we won't have one.

All right. Then our...

second dance will be
the first dance.

Unless we have
no dance at all.


Well, if we're changing things,

then instead
of throwing confetti,

we'll release butterflies.

Airborne worms?! Have
you lost your mind?!

Well, if you're
going to do that,

then I am changing the officiant

to that husky Spider-Man

that hangs out
at the Chinese Theater.

Fine. Wedding
toasts in Latin.

Great. Vows in Klingon.

Then I'm changing the
flower girl to a dog.

And guess what he'll be
scattering instead of petals!


Want to grab
some lunch?

You know what?
I don't think so.

Well, let me guess.
You're not eating

because the mean girls circled
your chubby bits in marker?

No. That. That right there.
That's the reason.

You're always
making fun of me.

Oh, those are just jokes.

It's my way

of saying that
we're friends,

and it wouldn't hurt
you to drop a few!

See? No wonder
I don't have any confidence.

Come on. You can't
blame that on me.

Why not? 15 years
of constant ridicule. I-I think

our relationship
has become toxic.

Uh, what are you saying?

I think you and I need to spend
some time away from each other.

Look, I... I can see
you're upset, but...

I'm gonna need some
ground rules. I mean,

while we're apart, can I see
other needy Indian men?

Get out!

What do you
think will make

the wedding worse for Amy:

a cake made with salt
instead of sugar...

...or a cake iced
with congealed gravy?

That is a trick question.

The answer is:
you as the groom.

Neither of them
will be the actual cake.

I'm just using it
as a bargaining chip

to get Amy to agree to the whole
wedding party getting rings

and us getting one ring
to rule them all.

I forget, which mental hospital
are you guys registered at?


- Hello. - Hello.
- Hello.


You're not
gonna sit here?

I'll sit there as
soon as you leave.

You're still
on this?

I said sorry.

Well, "sorry" doesn't make up
for years of emotional abuse.

Well, what's it gonna take?

You want half my sandwich?

What is going on?

Raj is trying to blame me
for his pathetic life.

His life isn't pathetic.

He's got that whole table
to himself.

One of us should go sit with Raj
so he's not alone.

But I'm not done telling you
about my wedding revenge plans.

You're right. Go on.

Okay, well, first,
I'm going to try

to get Amy to trade with me
for hors d'oeuvres...

Oh, good,
you're here.

I've decided
on our centerpieces.

I just hope your family
isn't allergic to asbestos.

Sheldon, please stop.

If we keep doing this, we're
gonna end up with a wedding

that neither one of us
will enjoy.

Are you saying
you don't want to get married?

No, of course I do.

But that seems to be
the one thing we can agree on.

Maybe we should
just get married at City Hall

and forget
about everything else.

City Hall, hmm.

I do like metal detectors

and the sound of
permits being denied.


And if we're not enjoying
planning this wedding,

then what's the point?

Well, historically,
a wedding was to let

other potential suitors know
that we're unavailable.

But I think matching
T-shirts that say

"Hands off the merchandise"
accomplish the same thing.

So let's pick a day
and just go do it.

How 'bout tomorrow?


That soon?

Why wait?

I mean, it's not that I think
we're living in sin,

but I do like the idea
that our next act of intimacy

will be a legal requirement.

Tomorrow we'll go downtown
and get married.

Or we could go to
Beverly Hills City Hall

if you want
a destination wedding.

Hey. You look
good today.

What happened? What's wrong?

Just tell me. I can take it.

Nothing. I felt bad
about being mean to you,

so I'm being nice.

Oh, okay.

Sorry. I wasn't ready for it.

Try again.

You look handsome.

Nope, still freaking me out.

Hello, friends!

Hey, what's going on
with your hair?

Uh, nothing. I just decided
to stop straightening it.

Wait, so you were making your
hair look like that on purpose?

When I first moved to America,
I wanted to fit in.

And Howard's hair was straight,

and he was the coolest person
I knew.

Then you never saw
any other people?

You know what, I-I don't want
to talk about Howard.

I came here to celebrate!

Yeah. I went back
to the planetarium and told them

they were making a huge mistake,
that I'd be perfect for the job.

I was... I was charming,
I was confident.

And they gave it to me.


That's amazing!
Yeah, plus,

it turns out the guy they hired

got busted
at a sketchy massage parlor.

Oh, so happy ending for you!

Oh, and for him.

Yeah, I was on my way
to tell Howard,

and then I remembered
I wasn't speaking to him,

so I came over here.

Mm, don't you think it's time
you two made up?


No, actually.
I don't need his negative energy

in my life right now.

Standing up to him
was-was hard,

but it made me realize
that I can do anything.

And, yeah, it's a little sad,
but, you know,

life is all about...
(cork pops)

Uh, sorry.

I thought
you were wrapping things up.

Hey, Howard.

Where is everybody?

I could ask you
the same question.

Wow, this conversation
got mean fast.

Sorry. I'm just
in a bad mood.

Yeah? What's going on?

I had a falling out with Raj.

He said I make fun
of him too much

and it's wrecked his confidence.

Please, confidence is
like red blood cells--

it's nice if you got some,
but you don't need 'em.

Yeah. I mean,
your life's a mess.

I don't see you blaming
other people for it.

That's right. I grew up in a
loving, supportive household.

This is all on me.

Maybe I'll just hang out here
for a while.

Great. And you can make
fun of me all you want.

No, that's okay.

No, no, no. Go on.
I can take it.

My feelings,
like my extremities,

are basically numb.

Here's your license.

Now, if you wait
over there,

we'll call you
when the officiant's ready.

Do we need a blood test?


Well, then, how will you know
whether or not we have syphilis?

I'm gonna go out on a limb
and say you don't have that.

Okay, Sheldon, you officially
exceeded the number of times

I hoped to hear the word
"syphilis" on my wedding day.

I can't believe
we're doing this.

I know. I'm
getting married.

The new Star Wars
movie's coming out.

We are really finishing
this year strong.

Okay, but
of the two of tho...

You know, I'm not even gonna
ask. I'm not gonna ask.

Are you sad we're not
having a big party?

I'm really not.

I'm here with you.
It's perfect.


You're up.


Can you believe it?

We're about to walk in that
door, Dr. Cooper and Dr. Fowler,

and walk out
as a married couple,

Dr. Cooper and Dr. Fowler.


I want to have
a first dance with you.

Right here?

At our wedding.

Th-This is
our wedding.


I want a real wedding.


Sheldon, it was just
making us fight.

I know. But, Amy,

I never thought
I'd want to marry anyone.

So the fact that I found you
is astonishing.

It's-it's like finding
dark matter,

except they're looking
for dark matter.

I wasn't even looking for you.

S-So you're even better
than dark matter.


Plus, plus, you interact
with light, so I can see you.

And, also, you don't account
for the missing mass

in the universe. Oh, and...
Okay, I think

you're getting caught up on the
ways I'm not like dark matter.

Right. Sorry.

But when you make
a discovery like this,

you don't just take it down
to City Hall--

you tell the whole world.

And so I'll say it
in Latin or Klingon

or-or smoke signals,

if-if that's not
cultural appropriation.

It is.

Okay, so not smoke signals.

But I want
to do this right.


Me, too.

Let's go plan a wedding.

You know, we did get dressed up

and come all the way
to City Hall.

What are you thinking?

I have always wanted a permit
to dispose of hazardous waste.

Let's do it.

Do we know if there's life in
the methane plumes of Enceladus

or under the icy surface
of Europa?

Come back on Tuesday
for my next show to find out.

Spoiler alert: we don't.

I'm Dr. Rajesh

and thank you for
taking a walk with me

through the stars.

Wow. I never knew science
could be so interesting.

Hey, I talk to you
about science all the time.

Oh, you sure do, sweetie.

Should we go
congratulate him?

I'll do better than that-- I'll
give him constructive criticism.

Here's some constructive
criticism: don't.

- I'll catch up with you guys.
- Okay.

Raj, you were terrific!

Oh, thank you.
I was so nervous,

my armpits are like a swamp.

Oh, your hug just got
downgraded to a high five.

Your palms are sweaty, too.

Hey. What are you doing
all the way in the back?

Hiding out.

I wasn't sure if I was welcome.

This is ridiculous.
You guys are best friends.

Of course he wants you here.

You sure? He seems to be doing
pretty well without me.

Look, he was just stressed out.

His life is not better
without you.

Come on. Come say hi.


Dr. Koothrappali, I just wanted
to tell you that was amazing.

Uh, counterpoint...
To the car.

Can I ask you
a question?

Of course you can.
Ooh, that went well.

Ask me another.

I think
I'm just gonna go.

If there is life beneath
the surface of these planets,

how would we even detect it?

Uh, that's
a complicated question.

Let me start with a simpler one.

Can I buy you a coffee?

A-Also a complicated question.
(chuckles nervously)

Because I want to say yes,
but if I drink coffee this late,

then I'll be up all night.

Decaf, genius.
(clears throat)

I would love to.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==