The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 10, Episode 22 - The Cognition Regeneration - full transcript

Leonard is less than thrilled when Penny considers accepting a job offer from Zack, her ex-boyfriend. Howard teaches Sheldon new things.

We're pinned down!

We can't get through!

Sheldon, get over here and help!

Okay, one second.

Sheldon, why are you
jumping up and down?

I'm trying to shoot.

Then use the shoot button,

not the "wonderful thing
about Tiggers" button!


That's it, we're dead.

Okay, challenge them again.

Doing it right now.

Oh, they can't.

There's an important
Little League game tomorrow.

No wonder they beat us, they're jocks.

What happened to me?

I used to excel at these things.

Kids are always better at video games.

Well, I don't like it.

Mm, if it makes you feel better,
you still dress like a child.

No, but it's not just video games.

I downloaded the new O.S.
for my phone, took me a week

to stop accidentally texting
kissy faces to everyone.

Oh, so our love is not real?

Well, I-I know how you feel.

I tried one of those
electronic Japanese toilets,

practically shot myself across the room.

I guess I just need to face it,

I'm no longer a wunderkind.

Now I just wonder what's for lunch.

Hot dogs.


♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 10x22 ♪
The Cognition Regeneration
Original Air D

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

I didn't know you could drink
while you're breastfeeding.

Yeah, they say the yeast in beer
helps with milk production.

I'm pretty sure that's a myth,
let me check.

Ruin it for me and I'll break
this glass over your head.

To denial.


Oh, I'm gonna get another.

You want food?

Yeah, breastfeeding burns, like,
5,000 calories a day.

Do not touch that phone.


Oh, Zack. Hey.

What are the odds
of running into you here?

Well, it's a bar, so pretty good.

Uh, what's new?

Oh, tons of stuff.

Put artificial grass
in my backyard, got engaged,

had a scary mole
that turned out to be Sharpie.

Well, congratulations.

That's what my dermatologist said.

No, on-on getting engaged,
good for you.

Oh, thanks. How about you?

Hey, how's Leonard?

Is he still smart?

Yes, yes, he's working
for the government

on an infinite persistence gyroscope.

Of course, the first time
I say it right,

he's not even here.

I love that little guy.

Hey, we should all have dinner sometime.

Uh, yeah, sure, I'll check with Leonard.

Cool, I'll check with Sara.

Sara, pull up my calendar.

It never works for me.

I've been thinking about
our recent humiliation.

You're gonna have to be more specific.

At the hands of those teenagers.


Boy teenagers.

Oh, the video game.
Yeah, that was bad.

I started doing some reading
on cognitive vitality,

and I came across an area of
research called "super-aging."

You know who's a super-ager?
Jennifer Lopez.

Like, what is her secret?

Now, this is rare.

I don't know which one of you
I want to stop talking first.

The theory is that if you
really tax your brain,

the neurofibers will become thicker

and the glial cells more lustrous.

Like JLo's hair.

Boy, it is neck and neck right now.

How is super-aging any different

than, like, doing crossword puzzles?

Well, it's not just doing
simple cognitive tasks.

You need to push your brain
out of its comfort zone

and reach mental exhaustion.

I drive you to work every day,

my brain must look like the Hulk.

If you really want
to challenge yourself,

you could learn to speak Hindi.

Jab mein aat saal ka
tha Maine seekha tha.

Could you say that in English?

I actually, I never learned Hindi.

Hey, you ready to go?

Yeah, I guess.

What's the matter?

Honestly? It's a little strange

having dinner
with your ex-boyfriend,

and it's not like
we have a lot to talk about.

What? He loves you, okay?

And he's interested in your work.

You could talk about
the infinite perspective...

I swear I know it.

It'll be fine, let's just go.

Well, and his fiancée will
be there, so you know,

if the conversation lags, we
can talk about their wedding.


Come on, I spent an entire plane ride

with you talking about
the trailer for Deadpool 2.

Ha! I knew you weren't asleep.

Hey, guys.

Hi. Hey, where's your fiancée?

Oh, she couldn't make it.
She had an emergency.

Oh, no, what happened?

I didn't ask.


- Hey.
- Hey.

What smells so good?

Raj is teaching me to make croissants.

Is this part
of your super-aging?

Yes. Yeah, it seemed
daunting at first,

but then I realized,

it's like the chemistry set
I had as a kid.

Only, when your brother eats this,

no one has to call Poison Control.


Shall we?

Oh, my God.

It's light, it's flaky, it's buttery.

You don't need to have sex with
him, just eat one of these.

Yes, it is delicious.

Wha... Physicist,
baker, lover,

what can't I do?

Well, clearly mental
tasks are not enough.

Maybe you need to challenge
your motor skills.

For the last time, I am not
having a tickle fight with you.

You want a real challenge,

try keeping me from
eating more of these.

You're just using food

to mask the fear that
you're fundamentally unlovable

and therefore going to be alone forever.

Damn it, he's good at that, too.


Wow, working on a top secret
government project,

that is so cool.

Do you have a bodyguard
to keep spies away?

I have Sheldon,
that keeps most people away.

I miss that guy.

He's like the Swedish Chef Muppet.

I don't know what he's saying,
but he's funny.

Oh, I know what he's saying,
and he's not, he's not funny.

So, Penny, what's going on with you?

How's the job?

Uh, it's okay, I'm still
in pharmaceutical sales.

She's doing amazing.

She can actually make a side effect,

like 10% chance of liver failure,

sound like a 90% chance
of liver success.

Yeah, lying isn't
my favorite part of the job.

Actually, I'm not crazy
about a lot of it.

Hey, if you're not happy there,
I've been looking

for a new head of sales at my company.

And we don't sell drugs, just menus,

so the only lie you'll be telling

is we print on recycled paper.

We don't.

Oh, that's a nice offer.

You know, we'd make a great team.

Or as we say in the menu business,

I can't do this
without "Me N U."

Right, 'cause it spells "menu."

Yeah, right? It's funny.
I got a lot of menu jokes,

but that's my favorite.

All right, this is everything.

What do you want to learn?

It really doesn't matter,
as long as it's challenging.

Okay, well, how about, oh, I teach you

some close-up... magic.

Howard, I'm trying
to make myself uncomfortable,

not everyone else.

So you wanted to learn
something physical

and you came to Howard Wolowitz?

Hey, the circus arts

are very physically
and mentally demanding.

Have you ever tried to juggle?

Yes, I'm juggling my love for you

and my embarrassment of you right now.

And it's hard, isn't it?

So the key is,

the moment one ball
is at the top of its arc,

you toss the next one.

Okay, I think I got that.

Uh, h-hold on.

There's a, an old saying in juggling.

Is it "I'm going to die alone"?

No, it's "if you want
to have fun, start with one."

Yours we think, but we do not say.

All right, just toss it up
and catch it a few times,

get comfortable with it.


(laughs softly)

Just to be on the safe side,

am I in any danger of
getting juggler's elbow?


Are you sure? 'Cause
I'm feeling a twinge.

See, that wasn't so bad.

He even picked up the check.


Although, when he was trying
to figure out the tip,

I'm pretty sure I saw smoke
coming out of his ears.


You're not really considering
working for him, are you?

Well, maybe, I mean, it
seems kind of perfect.

I have sales experience,

and I've been a waitress,
so I have restaurant experience,

and if he's figuring out
my Christmas bonus,

we could buy a boat.

Don't you think it might
be a little weird

to work for someone you used to date?

You work with Sheldon, you tell me.

Yeah, it's weird.

Okay, are you seriously jealous
of me working with Zack?

No, no, I-I'm not jealous,
I just think

you have got a good thing
going where you are right now,

and you make great money

and you haven't slept
with any of your coworkers.

Great, so you want me to stay
at a job I'm not happy at?


You okay?

You kind of look like Zack
trying to figure out that tip.

Of course I don't want
you to be unhappy,

but I also want you to be smart,

and working for an ex-boyfriend
isn't very smart.

You don't have to stop,
just slow down, I'll jump out.

Amy, look, I'm on a unicycle!

How did you get
from croissants to a unicycle?

I hurt myself juggling.

Where did you get it?

Howard said I could borrow it,

Bernadette said forever.

Have you tried letting go of the rope?

What, are you crazy?
I'm on a unicycle.

All right, well, have fun.

Wait, I need help getting down.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Drag out our mattress
and put it over here,

then go across the hall,
get their mattress

and put it over here.

But before you do any of that,

scratch my nose.

So you told her she was being dumb?

No, I told her she was being not smart.

Which was dumb.

Why did you even go
to dinner with the guy?

We covered this, I'm dumb.

So he's my ex-boyfriend,
who cares?

I can't believe Leonard
would be so insecure.


I have no trouble believing that at all.

And Zack's engaged.

Leonard has no reason
to feel threatened.

We're talking about
the same Leonard, right?

So you think it's fine
if she works for Zack?

I don't know, maybe.

Well, he is much more
attractive than Leonard.


but that's gonna be true of
a lot of guys she works for.

Yeah, but she also
used to sleep with Zack.


I would never let Howard
work with an ex.

What, you wouldn't trust him?

I wouldn't trust her.

He's thin and sexy
like a Jewish greyhound.

Yeah, that-that is
the sexiest dog.

And I'd like to think
Howie wouldn't take a job

I was uncomfortable with.

'Cause he's scared of you?


You know what? I'm with
Leonard, this isn't cool.

Thank you.

I disagree.

Penny is a strong, independent woman.

The more you try to control her,
the more she'll push back.

So you think it's okay?

Oh, no, she's gonna leave you
for someone,

might as well get it over with.

What are you doing?

I'm returning this stuff to Howard.


Well, Bernadette made me
promise if you didn't want it,

we'd give it to a homeless clown.

What happened to learning the unicycle?

Oh, I stopped that, it was dumb.

Uni, bi, tri, menstrual,
all cycles are dumb.

You said juggling was dumb, too.

Well, it is.

If I wanted to hold three things
at once, I'd wear cargo pants.

Sheldon, is it possible that

when things get really
difficult, you just give up?

Are you calling me a quitter?

Well, if you honestly...

This conversation is over.

His mother warned me.

Everybody warned me.

Actually, he warned me.


You want to talk?

That doesn't seem to be where I shine.

How about I just give you one of these?

Look, we can have a
reasonable conversation

and I won't get mad.

I don't like it after sex,
and I don't like it now.

Yeah, sorry.

All right, just come here.

Look, I get me working
with Zack is weird

and I don't want you
to be uncomfortable.

Well, thanks.

And I don't want you to be
stuck at a job you don't like.

Then what do we do?

Well, I don't love it,
but if you really want

to take this job, I'll find
a way to deal with it.

No, I know you'll try,
but it'll make you miserable,

which will make me miserable, and...

I'm just gonna stay
where I'm at for now.

No, no, no, no,
you're-you're unhappy there

and then you're gonna blame
me for making you stay,

and it's fine, I'll
just... I'll suck it up.

You don't need to do that, it's okay.

Yeah, see, now I feel terrible,

like I'm being selfish
and holding you back.

What? Say something.

Yeah, that is pretty annoying.

I made you tea.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I called you a quitter.

It's okay, I stopped being
upset about that.

And no, the irony is not lost on me.

What are you reading?

This article says the
peak age for making

a Nobel Prize-winning
discovery is 40.


So I'm running out of time.

That's ridiculous,
you're a brilliant man.

The best years of your life
are still ahead of you.

Oh, you have to say that,
you're sweet on me.

Well, if you're really
worried about your career,

maybe you should consider
spending a little less time

with video games and comic books.


I thought you were sweet on me.

Okay, fine, let's say you
never win a Nobel Prize.

Let's say you spend your life
doing solid scientific research

surrounded by friends and loved ones

who appreciate you,

not for what you've accomplished
but for who you are as a man.

Wouldn't that be
a life well-lived?

You're so cute.

I'm gonna go learn
how to walk on stilts.

So many warnings.

Okay, are you sure about this?

Absolutely. I just
want you to be happy.

And maybe a little turned on
about how selfless I'm being.

Penny, what's up?

Hey, uh, so I've been thinking about it

and I want to take the job.

Oh, bad news.

When my fiancée found out
that I was offering a job

to my ex-girlfriend,
she said it was a stupid idea

and threw a shoe at me.

Oh, so there's no job?

Nope, just a little bump on my forehead.

Okay, thanks anyway.


Well, his fiancée thought

the idea of us working
together was stupid.

You were right, I was wrong.

Aren't you gonna say anything?

Not if I want to be doing this later.

Hey, I didn't know you were home.

Where you been?

I went to see your mom.

Seriously, where were you?

I just told you, your mom's.


Well, since you find my magic
tricks so embarrassing,

I got to wondering

what cool hobbies you had as a kid.


What'd she say?

She didn't say much of anything.

But she said a lot!

(puppet voice):
Hi, Bernadette, remember me?

First of all, that's not
what she sounds like,

she's from South Carolina.

(chuckles) I can't believe
you made fun of me

all these years while you
were a closeted ventriloquist.

Okay, it's not like I wanted
to be a ventriloquist.

I was in beauty pageants
and I needed a talent

besides spreading rumors

that the other contestants
were pregnant.

Well, since you enjoyed

getting rid of all my stuff, you know,

maybe we should throw this
little lady in the wood chipper.


And the little lady has a name.

Which is?

Tammy Jo St. Cloud.

"Tammy Jo St. Cloud."

Oh, and I'm a dork for juggling.

Sorry, you're not a dork.

(Southern accent):
You're a clown.

(normal voice):
Tammy Jo, don't say that,

you'll make him feel bad.

(Southern accent):
Look at him,

what reason he got to feel good?

All right, very funny.

Don't listen to her,

she's been in a box for, like, 25 years.


Yeah, back when his haircut

was fashionable.

That's enough, put her away.

(Southern accent):
Oh, big daddy,

I don't think so.

You marry Miss Bernie, you marry me.

We all family now.

All right, you're freaking me out.

(Southern accent):
Don't be that way.

If you don't mind a few splinters,

we can have us a ménage à trois.


I'm doing it.

I'm doing it.

I'm tall and I'm doing it!

(snorts softly)

Ah, man.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==