The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 10, Episode 2 - The Military Miniaturization - full transcript

Howard is visited by an Air Force colonel regarding his invention. Penny accidentally lets it slip to her co-workers Bernadette's secret that she is pregnant.

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I'm looking for Howard Wolowitz.

May I ask what this is about?

No, you may not.

Very well.

Hi... Colonel Williams.

How can I help you?


Sure, I can meet with you
on Thursday.

Caltech is fine.

Yeah, may I ask
what this is about?

I may not?

That's what he said to me.

Look at this.

Elon Musk has a theory
that we're all just characters

in some advanced civilization's
video game.

So some alien kid spent
his money

on the asthma-and-glasses
upgrade for me?

Well, he doesn't say
it's a good game.

All right, we got a problem.

What's up?

The Air Force contacted me
about our quantum gyroscope.

They want to have
a meeting.


Yeah. This military guy
showed up at Howard's door.

He was terrifying.

Oh, what did he say?

He gave me his business card

and asked me to please
pass it along to Howard.

That doesn't sound terrifying.

To a white guy born here, no.

If you are a brown guy
whose name has

a lot of syllables in it--

You realize if the military declares our
research classified,

they can take the whole
thing away from us.

And if that happens,

we'll never be able
to sell it commercially.

There goes our big payday.
I was counting

on that money-- I need
to make as much as my wife

so I don't have
to try so hard in bed.

You do that, too?

Oh, yeah. How do you think
I stay this thin?

Gentlemen, I think we are
losing sight of the real issue.

We are on the precipice
of becoming faceless cogs

in the military-industrial

Isn't that exciting?

You're kidding, right?

Not at all. In Star Wars,
when the stormtroopers

would march
in perfect formation,

harassing civilians,
didn't you ever think,

"Hey, that could be me"?

we could be contributing

to a weapons system
that oppresses mankind

for the next thousand years.

Okay, Howard's on board.
What do you think, Leonard?

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 10x02 ♪
The Military Miniaturization
Original Air Date on September 26, 2016

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

I'm worried about Howard.
Ever since that guy

from the Air Force showed up,
he's been a nervous wreck.

All right, we work at
a giant pharmaceutical company.

Get him some anti-anxiety meds.

He won't take any pills
that aren't chewable

and shaped like a Flintstone.

You know, when Leonard's
feeling anxious

I make him take a long walk.

Does that help?

Well, for a while.
Then he comes back.

I don't believe this.

What's wrong?

This guy from the office
just congratulated me

on being pregnant.

You did already know, right?

No one at the office did.

Did you tell

You told me not to.

I bet it was Barbara Chen
in retrovirus.

She might have heard me
throwing up one morning.

Every since she got

the hearing aid,
she thinks she's so great.

Why don't you want
anyone to know?

'Cause I'm up for a major
immunotherapy study,

and if they find out
I'm pregnant

they might give it
to someone else.

Would they really do that?

I know they would-- they did it
to Barbara Chen last year

when I told everyone
she was pregnant.

Wail till I Snapchat that
my friends might be working

on a top secret
government project.

Are you crazy?

You can't put that on Snapchat.

Fine, I'll put it on Facebook
like a caveman.

You know,
maybe before our meeting

we should talk to a lawyer.

That's not a bad idea.

Well, you must have someone
in your family that's a lawyer.

Why? Because I'm Jewish?

That's like me saying,
"Hey, you're Indian.

Doesn't your cousin work
in a call center?"

My cousin does work
in a call center.

And my cousin's a lawyer.

We don't need
Howard's cousin, no.

We have me.

You're not a lawyer, Sheldon,
you're just a know-it-all.

I am not a know-it-all.

I'm a person
who knows lots of things

and likes to correct
other people when they're wrong.

That's the definition
of being a know-it-all.

Or in German, a Besserwisser.

How did you think you were
gonna hide your pregnancy?

I had a plan-- I kept leaving
Dove Bar wrappers around

to explain any weight gain.

Where did you get
empty Dove Bar wrappers?

From all the Dove Bars
I ate! I'm pregnant!

Try to keep up!

I'm sorry.
I-I have to go find out

if my boss knows.

Well, whatever happens,
we're here for you.

You guys are the best.

Yeah, drive safe. We love you.
And give us a call...

Oh, my God,
it was me, it was me!

I'm the one who blabbed
she was pregnant!


I didn't mean to.
It just slipped out

in front of her assistant
one day. I...

I forgot my coat.

Oh! Here's your coat, honey.

That's such a cute jacket.


God, I feel so bad--
I just lied to her.

Oh, but you did it so well.

That's amazing!

It's like watching a sculptor,

but your clay was lies.

Is that really
what's important right now?

I mean, seriously, you have got
to let me scan your brain

when you're being dishonest
so I can see what lights up.

That's super helpful, Amy.

Thanks a lot.
I can't wait to do that.

I can see a clump of bitch cells
lightin' up from here.

Give me a second
to call my cousin.

I don't see how a tax lawyer
from Fort Lauderdale

could be helpful regarding
intellectual property.

First of all,
he's in Boca Raton,

which is better
than Fort Lauderdale.

But more importantly,

he lasted two days on Jeopardy,

so he's clearly a smart guy.


Hey, Marty.
Thanks for talking to us.

Hey, no problem.

Thanks for going to outer space
so no matter what I do

my mom will be
disappointed in me.

Well, I married a little
Catholic girl, so we're even.

this is Leonard and Sheldon.

The three of us came up
with the guidance system.

- Hi. - Hello.
And this is my friend, Raj.

Oh, I'm not on the patent.
I'm just here

because there's a bumblebee
in my office.

I saw it. It's big.

like I said in the e-mail,

this meeting's on Thursday.

Do you have any advice for us?

Well, I don't know much
about patent law.

But, uh, my advice is:

hear them out, offer as little
information as possible,

and whatever you do,
don't sign anything.

"Don't sign anything"?
That's your advice?

Okay, so, uh, if
during this meeting,

one of us were to, say,
complete an oil painting,

you'd recommend that
we leave that unsigned?

That's not what I meant.

That's what you said.

That's not what I meant.

This must be how
you practice law

in Boca Raton, by saying
things you don't mean

and meaning things
you don't say.

Howard, why is he yelling at me?

All right, you
were on Jeopardy.

Allow me to Alex Trebek this and
put it in the form of a question:

Who has been a complete
waste of our time?

Marty, let me call you back.

Someday, when I'm up
on murder charges,

you'll be hearing from me.

You don't need him.
I'll represent you.

Hey. What brings you by?

Oh, had to go to a sales seminar
on our new sleeping pill.

Oh. How was it?


Fell asleep?

In, like, two minutes. Yeah.

So, how is everything
going around here?

Are you still upset about people
finding out you're pregnant?

I'm furious.

Sure, sure.

Uh, did you ever figure out
who told?

No. I confronted Barbara Chen,
but she claimed

she didn't know
what I was talking about.

Hmm. Well, I guess it's
just gonna remain a mystery,

you know, like whatever happened
in that seminar

after they dimmed the lights.

It had to be Barbara.

I've been trying to figure out
a way to get back at her.

Do you think

using her work computer
to Google

"how to be a prostitute"
is over the line?

Uh, you know, when I was

in high school, there was this girl
who was talking about me

behind my back, so me
and all my friends,

we cornered her in the bathroom
and forgave her.

What kind of revenge is that?

This woman screwed with my job.
She's got to pay.

Okay, all right, honey,
you know what?

There was something I was too
scared to tell you yesterday,

a-and now... I'm just balls-out
terrified to tell you, but...

the truth is it...

wasn't Barbara Chen, it was me.

I'm the reason everyone knows.

Why did you do that?

Well, it was an accident.
I am so sorry I lied.

Get out.

Oh, you know, I also lied
about the girl in the bathroom.

Yeah, we actually dumped
her retainer in the toilet

and put it back in her mouth.

I don't understand why
I can't talk at this meeting.

'Cause when you talk,
it enrages people.


Quick question.

Am I allowed
to exchange pleasantries

upon meeting this colonel?


Am I allowed to inform him

that Colonel Sanders was never
actually in the military?

I'm getting enraged.



Can I use text-to-speech


Don't speak.

Aw, nuts.


I'm Colonel

Thank you for meeting with me.

- Hi.
- Hello.

So, which one of you is
the brains behind all this?

It's a group effort,

but I guess if we had to pick
a main brain, it would be me.

And because
of the quantum vortices,

this can run perpetually?


Yeah, you have a good
grasp of the physics.

Well, I'm a scientist
by training.


You're a physicist?

Better. I'm an engineer.

Where did you go to school?


Well, hey, me, too.

I should have known.

Behind every great invention
is an MIT mind.

I'll cut to the chase.

The Air Force
believes there's an application

for this technology,

and we're interested
in funding your research.

Well, thanks,
but you should know

we're a little concerned about
this being used in weapons.

Oh, well,
let me put your mind at ease.

What we use it for
is none of your business.

I don't know how
I feel about this.

Look, guys,
it's just a guidance system.

It's not like
you're handing us

the Death Star from Star Trek.

All you need to
worry about is,

right now, it's this big,

and we need it to be...
this big.

That's a
lot less big.

Yes, it's...
this much less big.

I'm not even sure
that's possible.

Well, I ran it
by some colleagues at MIT,

and they thought they could
get it done in four months.

Four months?

Yeah, we'll do it
in two!

Hi. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

I'm the actual brains
behind this project.

Also, engineers aren't
real scientists,

MIT's a trade school,

and the Death Star is
from Star Wars, not Star Trek!

But otherwise,

thank you for your service.


Howard told me you were working
late, so I brought dinner.

Oh, thanks. You know, I just
wanted to get some work done

without people
congratulating me

about the baby
every five minutes.

I spent my day
alone in the lab

waiting for a rat
to die of anthrax.

Did you come here
to bring me dinner or to gloat?

Well, I came to see
how you were feeling,

but I'm guessing
still angry?

I'm sorry.

My boss wants to meet with me,
and I'm stressing.

You really think they're gonna
start treating you differently?

Are you kidding?

I've always been
treated differently!

Look at me!
Listen to me!

I mean, the first thought
when you see me isn't,

"That's a scientist."

It's, "I wonder if her mommy
knows where she is."

I am really regretting
that I got you a Happy Meal.

I've worked so hard
to get where I am,

and I don't want
to get sent back to square one

because I'm pregnant.

I understand how you feel.

Thank you.

I wish there were

some way I could make it better.

Well, you brought me
French fries. That's a start.

Uh, actually, I got you apple
slices 'cause you're pregnant.

Apple slices?

What kind of lunatic goes
to McDonald's and gets fruit?!

I'll be right back.

And a chocolate shake!

- Hi.
- Hello.

What are you doing?

Oh, Leonard's mad at me,
so I'm making him lemon bars.

Does he even
like lemon bars?

Not really.

But I'm mad at him, too,
so lemon bars it is.

Something happen
at the meeting?

They made me promise
I wouldn't talk.

And you talked?

Well, now, see?

You knew what was gonna
happen. Why didn't they?

Anyway, now we're committed
to completing this project

in a ridiculously
short time frame,

and everyone's
upset with me.

Well, if it makes you
feel any better,

Bernadette's mad at me, too.

Mm. If it makes you
feel any better,

a parasitoid wasp known
as Oobius depressus

has been rediscovered
after 101 years

of presumed extinction.

Why would that
make me feel better?

Why would your Bernadette
thing make me feel better?

At least mine
was educational.

Okay. Never mind.

Look, I'm sorry.

Tell me why
Bernadette is upset with you.

Well, I told people at work
that she's pregnant.

She wasn't ready
for them to know.

Why would you do that?

Well, it just slipped out.
I feel terrible.

See, that's exactly
what happened to me,

except that I said it on
purpose, and I have no regrets.

Is it even possible
to get this done in two months?

Well, maybe. I don't know.
We'll have to work

12 hours a day,
seven days a week.

Which means I won't be able to
make Penny breakfast every day,

and she'll realize
my brioche French toast

was the only thing
keeping her in the marriage.

I love your
French toast.

Oh, thanks, man.

So, why did you guys
even agree to the deadline?

We didn't. Sheldon did.

And you just let him?

Well, the colonel said it was
for the good of the country,

and the funding
is substantial.

No, but mostly, there
was an awkward pause,

and I broke it
by saying, "Okay."

So I guess I won't be
seeing you guys for a while.

Oh, looks like it.


You're going off to work with
the military, leaving me behind.

Now I know how
all those army wives feel.

Would you stop?

We're just gonna be on
the other side of campus.

And right here.

You are a deeply silly man.

He is so afraid of his feelings.

Oh, hi.

Got a minute?

Yeah, come on in.

I just wanted to apologize.

I know what you did
was an accident.

Oh, thank you,
and I'm sorry I lied about it.

For what it's worth,
you're a great liar.

Oh, that's what Amy said.

So what's going on with
the research project?

Are they gonna
let you run it?

Well, my boss said
he hadn't decided yet,

so I gently reminded him
that he's an old rich white guy,

and I'm a sweet
little pregnant lady

who's not afraid to cry
in front of a jury.

You threatened to sue?

Hey, I learned a long time ago,
when you're four feet eleven

and eye level
with every guy's crotch,

that's where you punch.

That's funny.

I learned something
totally different.

Do you know what?

It's just a research project.

The most important job
in the world

is gonna be raising this child.

It's all I need
to give my life meaning.

Oh, that's so beautiful.

You believe me? Oh, good.

11 more chumps like you,

I'll have the jury
eating out of my hand.

I never realized
this building was classified.

Maybe that's because
it's classified.

Wish we weren't so far
from my parking space.

The way you put away
those lemon bars,

perhaps that's a good thing.

I'd like to reinstate
the you-not-talking rule.

Why? It clearly doesn't work.

I guess this is it.

Is that a retinal scanner?

Let's find out.

Howard Wolowitz--
access granted.

No way!

Oh, my turn! My turn!

Leonard Hofstadter--
access granted.

I didn't even have
to take my glasses off!

Access denied.

It knows!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, guys,
hold me upside down!

Howard Wolowitz,
access granted.


== sync, corrected by elderman ==