The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 10, Episode 10 - The Property Division Collision - full transcript

Dividing up their possessions becomes an all-out war between Leonard and Sheldon. Stuart asks to live with Howard and Bernadette and tries to supplant Raj's efforts to help with the new baby.

If we're going to be staying
in this apartment,

would you be interested
in doing a little


Oh, actually, I would.

Great, what'd you have in mind?

Let's take every single thing
from the other apartment

and put it in here.

Well, how about we start
a little smaller?

Like moving
the furniture around.

You know, I have always thought

that this couch
would look fantastic

on the curb
in front of the building.

Look, we can't just
throw away Penny's stuff,

but we can ask
if she wants any of it back.

You know, I wonder how
she feels about

all this artwork.

Well, I'm sure
she misses this one.

I mean, it's the greatest gift
I've ever given anybody.

It truly does capture the beauty
of your friendship with Penny.

It may have appreciated
in value.

The artist killed himself
shortly after painting that.

Yeah, it seems only right
that she have it back.

I can't wait to see
the look on her face

when I give it to her again.

Look, it's the same smile
she has in the painting.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 10x10 ♪
The Property Division Collision
Original Air Date on December 1, 2016

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Yeah-- there's hooks in the
closet, I can hang it right now.

Oh, no, no,
Th-those hooks are gone.

What happened to them?

Uh, we ran out of candy
on Halloween,

I was just giving
everything away.

Hey, guys, what are you...?

Oh, that's here, cool.

Amy wants me to have it.

Well, it would be selfish
of me to keep it.

B-But it's a picture of you.

And you.

But you commissioned it.

To give to you.

But you like it so much.

So do you.

I seem to be losing.

Yes, you do.

You know, Leonard,
the more I think about it,

there are a number of mutually
owned items in this apartment

that you and I
should go through.

Uh, for example...

who gets our beloved sword,

Why don't you keep it?

That seems fair;
we did just give you

the painting.

Yeah, I don't need
anything around

that I can stab myself with.


Longclaw is mine.

And how about you keep

our... avocado plant?

Sounds right--
a limited edition collectible

worth hundreds of dollars

and a thing

that grew out of a thing
we fished from the trash.

Although, Amy and I did
just move in together,

and a plant is
a lovely housewarming gift.

Fine, take the plant.

Oh, we got a sword
and a plant;

our apartment's
really shaping up.

Stuart, you didn't have
to get us a baby gift.


Just homemade coupons for things
you might need help with

before the baby gets here.

Going to the grocery store,
driving you to the doctor.

If you're not in a hurry,
I can dig you a koi pond.

A foot massage?

And that's not me being creepy,
that's for either of you.

This is very nice,
Stuart, thank you.

How come this one's on
the back of an eviction notice?

Oh, yeah.
Uh, now that you mention it...

can I live here?

Stuart, we'd love
to help you out,

but this a bad time;
we're about to have a baby.

Or is that why
this is a great time?

Think about it--
when that baby comes,

you're gonna need all the help
you can get.

Thank you,

but I'm not really sure.

Hang on, maybe it's
not the worst idea.

I mean, he did do a good job
taking care of my mother.

That woman didn't get heat rash
once with me on powder patrol.


I guess you could stay
for a few days

and we'll see how it goes.

Thank you.

And it's only temporary,

just till I get back on my feet.

or the baby goes off to college,
whichever happens first.

When would you move in?

Well, uh, my car broke down
in your driveway,

so I'm gonna say now.

But I am ready to be helpful.

In fact...

I'm gonna go vacuum.

Hmm. Actually I just
did that this morning.


Then I'll dust.

I did that, too.

Then I'll check the batteries
in the smoke detectors.

Howard just did that.

Yeah, let him do it.


Remember when we got this

at Comic-Con?

Oh, yeah.

The Mr. Spock cuckoo clock.

Live long and prosper.
Live long and prosper.

Live long
and prosper.

Live long and prosper.

It's one of a kind.

So if it breaks
there'd be none of it?

Well, Leonard,

you know, who should keep this?

On the one hand, I love
Mr. Spock more than you do.

On the other hand, I care more
about clocks than you do.

So you think you should keep it?

I'll be right across the hall.

You'll probably be able
to hear it.

Keep the clock, Sheldon.

Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you?

Oh, now...

what about

our 3-D chess set?

Let me guess, you want it.

Well, no,

I just didn't think you'd want
a physical reminder

of a game you never
managed to win.

As a kindness, I should probably
take all the games.

You know what, Sheldon, take it.

In fact, you can
have everything.

I really don't care.

Are you sure?

These items represent
our shared times together.

Well, now they're yours.

Well, you know
what's gonna happen.

He's just gonna come up
with some reason

why everything should be his.

For a man so good
at predicting my moves,

how come you stink at 3-D chess?

Sheldon, you're-you're being
a little selfish.

Why don't you let Leonard
keep a few things?

It's not my fault
I'm bad at sharing;

I skipped kindergarten.

You know what?

There is one thing I would like.

Yeah, take whatever you want.

I would like to keep...

the official flag
of our apartment.

But you don't even like flags.

Yeah, I like this one.

But I designed it.

But you made me order it because
you were "too well-known"

in the flag community
and they'd jack up the price.

But you don't even understand

its symbolism.
Oh, I do.

The-the field of blue
represents you being miserable,

and the lion sticking
its tongue out means

I'm happy about it.

Come along, Amy.

I know when I'm not wanted.

I don't think you do,
but all right.

Stuart, you cooked?

How did you know it wasn't me?

There's only three
people in this house,

and you'd still be
my fifth guess.

(doorbell rings)
That's Raj.

You guys relax,

I'll get it.

Have some bread
while it's still warm.


It's like we have a butler.

If I had a Batsuit
I'd be Bruce Wayne.

You have a Batsuit.

It's pajamas, there's no cape.

Hey, Raj.

Hey, Stuart.

What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm living here again.

Do, uh, Howard
and Bernadette know?

Or is it like a possum
in the walls kind of thing?

No, I needed a place to stay

and, with the baby coming,

I figured they could
use some extra help.

Okay, cool.

Anyway, come on in,
dinner's ready.

Oh, but I bought
Chinese takeout.

Oh, okay.

Well, if Bernadette wants her
ankles to swell up even more,

she can have that.

Is the Wi-Fi working for you?

Uh, hang on.

I don't think so,
I'm clicking on

"One weird trick
for a flat belly,"

but I'm still seeing

"Celebrities who look like
their pets."

Oh, I knew it,

Sheldon changed the password.

Are you sure?

Well, the new network name is,

"Ha ha ha, now I've got you,"

It's either Sheldon
or Gargamel from The Smurfs.

What a jerk.

You're good at revenge;
how do we get him back?

Well, my go-to move is usually

sleep with the
person's boyfriend,

but I kind of feel like
I'm already doing that.

Sheldon, I know what you did,

now change the password back.

Well, powder me in sugar
and call me a donut,

if it isn't Leonard Hofstadter.

Sheldon, I'm warning you,
I can play this game, too.

If it's like
your 3-D chess game,

then you're out of your length,
width and depth.

Amy, get the Neosporin,

somebody just got burned.

All right, I tried.

"All right,
I tried."

That should be the title
of your autobiography.

Ooh, a second-degree burn.

I've got the Neosporin.

Who got hurt?

It's a good thing you're cute.

So, I was reading how it's
a good idea for new parents

to take an
infant CPR class.

Yeah, we've been
meaning to do that.

Oh, I know a CPR instructor
who'll come to the house.

That'd be great.
STUART: I'll give him a call.

We met when I was sleeping
on the beach

and he thought I was dead.

Thank you again
for cooking.

It's getting tough for me
to be on my feet all day.

You just kick back and relax;
I've got it all under control.

Although it was
already under control.

(clears throat)

I'm sorry,
you mumbled something?

It's just that

they've had plenty of help.

Well, you know what they say--
it takes a village.

Well, they already
had a village.

I noticed the village
couldn't find time

to put the crib together.

Yeah, well, maybe

the village was too busy
checking out

the local Montessori school
for the new arrival.

You mean the one

with the empty beer bottles
in the sandbox?

We'll pass, thank you.

Do something, Batman.



What do you think you're doing?

Separating my delicates.

This is the level
you're stooping to.


This is the level
I am stooping to.

I believe that is flag
to crotch four, checkmate.

Easy-peasy, ooh, so breezy.

Hey, what's up?

I'm here to put
the crib together.

Ooh, sorry, I already did it.

Oh, I don't know if you realize
this, but I bought that crib.

Why are you being like this?

Because I love
Howard and Bernadette

and if I want to keep mooching
off them, I need to be helpful.

Hey, this pregnancy had

an emotionally-needy third wheel

way before you came along.

Why can't there be four wheels?

Is this what you do
when I'm not here,

make really good points?

Look-Look, just come in and
help me build a baby swing.

Thank you.

If you're hungry you can eat
your takeout; nobody touched it.

I think I'm gonna
go for a run.

You want to come?

No, last time that old lady
in the park kept screaming,

"Watch out, he's
right behind you."


Hey, how you doing?

Uh, can I help you?

I don't think so,
but you're sweet for asking.

What-What are you doing

in our apartment?

Oh, I rented a room from
your neighbor, the tall guy...

dressed like a little boy.


Okay, uh, I don't know
what he told you,

but you can't stay here.

So, there are fresh linens
on the bed and...


Well, now, I see
you've met Theodore.

Theodore, these
are your new roommates,

Leonard and Penny.

They're very honest,

but I would not leave
cash lying around.


what do you think
you're doing?

My room is paid up
until the end of the month,

so I can do
with it whatever

I please, which includes

renting it out
for a dollar a night.

It's like the '40s again.

Anyway, I'll leave you be.

I have to... oh, oh!

He's expecting a newspaper
in the morning.

they still make them.

All right, Sheldon,
this is over the line.

That's true,

but had I done
something under the line,

there wouldn't be a man
in your kitchen

who can't produce
a single form of ID.

Oh, oh, I have a receipt
from a blood bank.

I'm O-negative.

And now you know as much
about him as I do.

Oh, hey, Bernadette,

the swing comes
with two different mobiles.

The giraffes are pretty cute,
what do you think?

Great, go with the giraffes.


the high contrast
of zebra stripes might provide

better stimulus
for a developing baby.

Yeah, you're probably right,
go with the zebras.

Good choice, boss.

At least my nose
is naturally brown.

Hey, could you please go
to the market for me?

Get Stuart or Raj to do it.

Howie, they've been doing
everything for you.

Mm, I know.

It's really making me
lose respect for both of them.

Please just go to the store.


Who wants to drive me
to the store?

STUART: I'll do it!

Take Raj.

Stuart is supposed
to paint my toenails.

What do you think?

Should we go to a hotel?

And just leave
him here alone?

Okay, I'll go to a hotel.

Text me in the morning
if you're still alive.

Uh, Theodore,

how long

are you planning
to stay exactly?

Oh, thanks to the coins
I found in your couch,

a day longer than I thought.

This is ridiculous.

I like the painting.

Is that your mom?

Sheldon, get out here!

Will you keep it down?

What kind of vengeful
bed and breakfast

do you think I'm running?

We lived together
13 years.

How can you be so awful to me?

I'm being awful?!

You're the one who went
out of your way to hurt me.

Because you were
being selfish.

Dividing our belongings
is difficult.

(laughing): Why?
I said I didn't care!

Excuse me.

It's none of my business,
but it sounds like a lot

of this anger
is coming from love.

Yeah, thanks,
but nobody asked you.

Well, I'm just gonna
keep on talking.

Seems like, with Sheldon

moving out, you're
in a new phase of your lives

and it's easier

to fight than
to face the feelings

that you have for one another.

I think he might be right.

Also, who is that?

I have to admit,

leaving you to
move in with Amy

has been harder than
I thought it would be.

Well, for me, too.

It's not the same
with you gone.

If you're looking for a new guy
to live with...

- We're good. Thank you.

So, no one's gonna
tell me? Okay.


I would like us
to stop fighting

about our possessions.

Well, I'd like that, too.

In fact, I want you to
keep the apartment flag,

and I'm not
just saying that

because it touched
your genitals.

You promise?

I do.

And to show you that there
are no hard feelings,

I am willing to rub my
genitals on it as well.


if we're rubbing genitals
on things, that's where I shine.

Little lower to the left.

A little more.

Is it good?

No, still hideous.

Well, I'm sure
at some point,

we won't even
notice it's there.

Yeah, you'd think that,

but after a while it starts

showing up in your dreams.

I think it brings
the room together.

Hey, tomorrow who wants
to paint the nursery?

I'll do it.

Why do you get to do it?

I'm the artist.

Just because you're starving

doesn't make you an artist.

Just because I look sickly
doesn't mean I'm starving.


Guys, you heard her,
go see what she wants.

I think I'm in labor.

Oh, oh, okay.

Okay, uh, uh, uh,
I can do this.

We have a plan.

Somebody please
tell me the plan.

I'll get the hospital bag.
I'll pull the van up.

Meet you outside in 2 minutes.

Team Baby, go!

I love you.

I love you, too.

Are we hugging or having a baby?
Let's go!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==