The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Luminous Fish Effect - full transcript

Sheldon's mother is called to intervene when he delves into numerous obsessions after being fired for being disrespectful to his new boss.

You know, I've been thinking
about time travel again.

Why? Did you hit a roadblock
with invisibility?

Put it on the back burner.

Anyway, it occurs to me,
if I ever did perfect a time machine...

... I'd go into the past
and give it to myself.

Thus eliminating the need for me
to invent it in the first place.

- Interesting.
- Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.

Sounds like a breakthrough.

Should I call Science
and tell them to hold the cover?

It's time travel, Leonard.
I will have done that.

I guess congratulations are in order.

No, congratulations
will have been in order.

You know,
I'm not going to enjoy this party.

I know, I'm familiar with you.

The last party,
Professor Finkleday cornered me...

... and talked about spelunking
for 45 minutes.

Yes, I was there.

You know what's interesting
about caves?

- What?
- Nothing.

We'll avoid Finkleday, meet the new head,
congratulate him, shake his hand and go.

How's this?
"Pleased to meet you, Dr. Gablehauser.

How fortunate for you
the university has chosen to hire you...

... despite the fact you've done
no original research in 25 years...

... and instead have written books...

... that reduce the great concepts
of science to anecdotes...

... each one dumbed down...

... to accommodate the duration
of an average bowel movement. "

- "Mahalo" is a nice touch.
- Hmm.

Only eight consonants
in the Hawaiian language.

Interesting, you should lead with that.

Oh, God, look at this buffet.

I love America.

- You don't have buffets in India?
- Of course, but it's all Indian food.

You can't find a bagel in Mumbai
to save your life.

Smear me.

- Well, here's an interesting turn of events.
- What?

Howard brought a date?

A more plausible explanation is that his work
in robotics has made an amazing leap forward.

Hey, what up, science bitches?

May I introduce my special lady friend,

Howard, I told you, touching's extra.

Right. Sorry.

Here comes our new boss. Be polite.

Hi, fellas.

- Eric Gablehauser.
- Howard Wolowitz.

Howard, nice to meet you. And you are?

An actual real scientist.

How was that?

I can't believe he fired me.

You did call him
a glorified science teacher...

... whose last successful experiment
was lighting his own farts.

In my defense, I prefaced that by saying
"with all due respect. "



You're making eggs for breakfast?

This isn't breakfast, it's an experiment.

Oh. Because it looks a lot like breakfast.

I finally have time to test my hypothesis
about the separation of water molecules...

... from the egg proteins
and its impact vis-?-vis taste.

Sounds yummy.

I look forward to your work with bacon.

As do I.

You know, I'm sure if you just apologize
to Gablehauser he'd give your job back.

I don't want my job back.

I've spent three and a half years
staring at grease boards full of equations.

Before that,
I spent four years working on my thesis.

Before that, I was in college,
and before that I was in the fifth grade.

This is my first day off in decades
and I'm going to savor it.

Okay. I'll let you get back
to fixing your eggs.

I'm not just fixing my eggs,
I'm fixing everyone's eggs.

And we all thank you.

Use new eggs.

Hi, I'm running out to the market.
Do you guys need anything?

Oh. This would be
one of those circumstances...

... people unfamiliar with the law
of large numbers would call a coincidence.

- I'm sorry?
- I need eggs.

- Four dozen should suffice.
- Four dozen?

Evenly distributed amongst brown, white,
free-range, large, extra-large and jumbo.

- Okay, one more time?
- Never mind, you won't get it right.

I'd better come with you.

Oh, yay.

How come
you didn't go in to work today?

I'm taking a sabbatical because
I won't kowtow to mediocre minds.

So you got canned, huh?

Theoretical physicists do not get canned.

But, yeah.

Maybe it's for the best.

You know, I always say, "When one door
closes, another one opens. "

No, it doesn't.

Not unless the doors
are connected by relays.

- Or there are motion sensors involved.
- No, I meant-

Or if the first door closing creates a change
of air pressure that acts upon the second.

Never mind.

Slow down. Slow down.
Please, slow down.

We're fine.

You're not leaving
enough space between cars.

Oh, sure I am.

No, no, let me do the math for you.

This car weighs, let's say, 4000 pounds.

Now, add 140 for me, 120 for you-

- One-twenty?
- Oh, I'm sorry, did I insult you?

Is your body mass
somehow tied into your self-worth?

Well, yeah.


Anyway, that gives us a total weight of,
let's say, 4400 pounds.

Let's say 4390.


We're traveling forward at-
Good Lord. -51 miles an hour.

Let's assume that your brakes are new
and the calipers are aligned.

By the time we come to a stop...

... we'll be occupying the same space
as that Buick.

An impossibility that nature will quickly
resolve into death, mutilation and-

Oh, look,
they built a new putt-putt course.

This is great.

Look at me.
I'm in the real world of ordinary people...

... just living their ordinary,
colorless, work-a-day lives.

- Thank you.
- No, thank you.

And thank you, ordinary person.

Hey, you wanna hear an interesting thing
about tomatoes?

No. No, not really.

Listen, didn't you say
you needed some eggs?

Yes, but anyone who knows anything
about bacterial growth...

... knows to pick up their refrigerated foods
on the way out.

Oh, okay, maybe you should start
heading on out, then.

No, this is fun.

The thing about tomatoes,
and I think you'll enjoy this...

... is they're shelved with the vegetables,
but they're technically a fruit.

- Hmm. Interesting.
- Isn't it?

No, I mean what you find enjoyable.

Oh, boy.

What now?

Well, there's some value
to taking a multivitamin...

... but the human body
can only absorb so much.

What you're buying here
are the ingredients for very expensive urine.

Well, maybe that's what I was going for.

Well, then you'll want some manganese.

Well, that was fun.

Tomorrow we can go
to one of those warehouse stores.

I don't know, Sheldon.

It's gonna take me a while to recover
from all the fun I had today.

Are you sure? There are a lot
of advantages to buying in bulk.

For example, I noticed
you purchase your tampons...

... one month's supply at a time.

- What?
- Well, think about it.

It doesn't spoil...

... and you're going to be needing them
for at least the next 30 years.

You want me to buy
30 years' worth of tampons?

Well, 30, 35-

- When did your mother go into menopause?
- Okay.

I'm not talking about this with you.

Oh, Penny.

This is a natural human process
and we're talking about significant savings.

Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle
in a 28-day cycle-

Are you fairly regular?

Okay, no warehouse store,
but we're still on for putt-putt golf, right?

Hey, I just ran into Penny.
She seemed upset about something.

I think it's her time of the month.

I marked the calendar
for future reference.

What's with the fish?

It's an experiment.

- What happened to your egg research?
- Oh, that was a dead end.

Scrambled eggs are as good
as they're ever going to be.

So fish.

I read an article about scientists
who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish...

... into other animals, and I thought,
"Hey, fish nightlights. "

Fish nightlights.

It's a billion-dollar idea. Shhh!

Mum's the word.

Are you sure you don't wanna just apologize
to Gablehauser and get your job back?

Oh, no, no, no.
No, I have too much to do.

Like luminous fish.

- Shhh!
- I'm sorry, I didn't...

That's just the beginning.

I also have an idea for a bulk,
mail-order feminine hygiene company.

Oh, glow-in-the-dark tampons.

Leonard, we're gonna be rich.

- Thanks for coming on such short notice.
- You did the right thing calling.

I didn't know what to do.
He's lost all focus.

Every day, he's got a new obsession.

This is a particularly disturbing one.


Hi, baby.

You called my mother?

Oh, you got yourself a loom. How nice.

- Thank you.
- Honey, why did you get a loom?

I was working with luminous fish
and I thought, "Hey...

... loom. "

Mom, what are you doing here?

Leonard called me.

I know, but why?

Because one of the great minds
of the 21 st century...

... is raising glow-in-the-dark fish
and weaving serapes.

This is not a serape. This is a poncho.

A serape is open at the sides,
a poncho is closed. This is a poncho.

And neither is a reason
to call someone's mother.

When was the last time you left the house?

I went to the market with Penny.

Yeah, that was three weeks ago.

Well, then, buckle up.

In the next four to eight days,
she's going to get very crabby.

your little friend is concerned about you.

Yes, well, I'm not a child.

I'm a grown man
capable of living my life as I see fit.

And I certainly don't need someone
telling on me to my mother.

Wait, where are you going?

To my room and no one's allowed in.

- He gets his temper from his daddy.
- Ah.

- He's got my eyes.
- I see.

All that science stuff,
that comes from Jesus.

Sheldon, your mom made dinner.

I'm not hungry.

Oh. Leonard, don't trouble yourself.
He's stubborn.

He may stay in there till the rapture.

Are we so sure that's a bad thing?

I love the boy to death...

... but he has been difficult
since he fell out of me at the Kmart.

Excuse me for being so bold...

... but I now see where Sheldon gets
his smoldering good looks.

Oh. Honey, that ain't gonna work,
but you keep trying.

I made chicken.

I hope that isn't one of the animals
that you people think is magic.

You know, we have an Indian gentleman
at our church.

A Dr. Patel. It's a beautiful story.

The Lord spoke to him and moved him
to give us all 20 percent off on LASEK.

You know, those that needed it.

That is a lovely story.

Are we gonna do anything
about Sheldon?

Oh, we will.
You have to take your time with Sheldon.

His father, God rest his soul, used to say:

"Mary, you have to take your time
with Sheldon. "

- Sounds like a wise man.
- Oh, not so wise.

He once tried to fight a bobcat
for some licorice.

So everybody grab a plate
and a pretty placemat that Shelly wove.

Has Shelly ever freaked out
like this before?

Oh, all the time.

I remember one summer
when he was 13...

... he built a small nuclear reactor
in the shed...

... and told everybody he was gonna provide
electricity for the town.

Well, the only problem was, he had no,
what you call, fissionable materials.

Anyway, when he went on the Internet
to get some...

... a man from the government came by
and sat him down real gentle...

... and told him it's against the law
to have yellow cake uranium in a shed.

- Well, what happened?
- Well, poor boy had a fit.

Locked himself in his room
and built a sonic death ray.

- A death ray?
- Well, that's what he called it.

Didn't even slow down the neighbor kids.

It pissed our dog off to no end.

You know, you two make a cute couple.

I- No, no.
No, we're not a couple. We're singles.

Two singles. Like those individually
wrapped slices of cheese that...

Or friends.

- Did I pluck a nerve there?
- Oh, yeah.

All right, everybody, it's time to eat.

Oh, Lord, we thank you for this meal
and for all your bounty.

And we pray that you help Sheldon
get back on his rocker.

Now, after a moment of silent meditation,
I'm gonna end with "in Jesus' name"...

... but you two
don't feel any obligation to join in.

Unless, of course,
the Holy Spirit moves you.

Oh, my God,
this is the best cobbler I've ever had.

It was always Sheldon's favorite.
You know what the secret ingredient is?

- Love?
- Lard.

- Hey, look who's com-
- Shh. You'll spook him.

He's like a baby deer.
You gotta let him come to you.

This is ridiculous.

Damn it, Sheldon, snap out of it.

You're a physicist. You belong at the
university doing research, not in your room.

You don't hunt, do you?

Good morning, Snickerdoodle.

- Morning.
- Oh.

Well, that looks awful fancy.
What is that?

It's my idea of what DNA would look like
in a silicon-based life form.

But intelligently designed
by a creator, right?

What do you want, Mom?

You know how your daddy used to say
that you can only fish for so long...

... before you gotta throw
a stick of dynamite in the water?

- Yeah?
- Well, I'm done fishing.

- You put those on.
- What for?

Because you're gonna go
to your office...

... apologize to your boss
and get your job back.

- No.
- I'm sorry.

Did I start that sentence with the words
"if it please Your Highness"?

I'm not going to.
I didn't say anything that wasn't true.

Now, you listen here.

I have been telling you since you were 4.

It's okay to be smarter than everybody,
but you can't go around pointing it out.

- Why not?
- Because people don't like it.

Remember all the ass-kickings
from the neighbor kids?

Now, let's get cracking.

Shower, shirt, shoes and let's shove off.

Wouldn't have been any ass-kickings
if that stupid death ray had worked.

Problem solved.

Really? That's impressive.

Leonard, the Lord never gives us
more than we can handle.

Thankfully, he blessed me
with two other children...

... who are dumb as soup.

Excuse me, Dr. Gablehauser,
are you busy?

- Well, actually-
- Sheldon, he's just doodling. Get in here.

- Dr. Gablehauser.
- Dr. Cooper.

Let's go, baby, we're losing daylight.


As you know, several weeks ago
in our first encounter...

... we may have gotten off
on the wrong foot...

... when I called you an idiot.

And I just wanted to say
that I was wrong...

... to point it out.

I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced.

- Dr. Eric Gablehauser.
- Mary Cooper, Sheldon's mom.

Now, that's impossible. You must've
had him when you were a teenager.

Oh, aren't you sweet. His father's dead.

- Recently?
- Long enough.


Sheldon, shouldn't you be working?


Hey, how did it go?

I got my job back.

Really? What happened?

I'm not quite sure.

It involves a part of the human experience
that has always eluded me.

Well, that narrows it down.

I'm very proud of you, honey.
You showed a lot of courage today.

Thanks, Mom.

- Mom?
- Mm-hm.

Is Dr. Gablehauser
going to be my new daddy?

We'll see. Sleep tight.