The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Big Bran Hypothesis - full transcript

Penny is furious with Leonard and Sheldon when they sneak into her apartment and clean it while she is sleeping.

Here you go. Pad Thai, no peanuts.

Does it have peanut oil?

I'm not sure.

Everyone keep an eye on Howard
in case he starts to swell up.

Since it's not bee season,
you can have my epinephrine.

- Any chopsticks?
- Don't need chopsticks, this is Thai food.

Here we go.

Thailand has had the fork
since the latter half of the 19th century.

They don't put the fork in their mouth,
they use it to put the food on a spoon...

...which then goes into their mouth.

Ask him for a napkin, I dare you.


I'll get it.

Do I look puffy? I feel puffy.

- Hey, Leonard.
- Oh, hi, Penny.

- Am I interrupting?
- No.

You're not swelling, Howard.

HOWARD: No, look at my fingers,
they're like Vienna sausages.

- Sounds like you have company.
- They're not going anywhere.

So you're coming home from work.
That's great. How was work?

You know, it's a Cheesecake Factory...

...people order cheesecake
and I bring it to them.

So you kind of act
as like a carbohydrate delivery system?

Yeah, call it whatever you want,
I get minimum wage.


I was wondering
if you could help me out...

- Yes.
- Oh.

Okay, great, I'm having
some furniture delivered...

...and I may not be here, so, oh...



I'm sorry?

Haven't you ever been told
how beautiful you are in flawless Russian?

- No, I haven't.
- Get used to it.

Yeah, I probably won't.

- Hey, Sheldon.
- Hi.

Hey, Raj.

Still not talking to me, huh?

Don't take it personally,
it's his pathology.

- He can't talk to women.
- He can't talk to attractive women.

Or in your case,
a cheesecake-scented goddess.

- There's gonna be some furniture delivered?
- Yeah.

If it gets here and I'm not here,
could you sign for it and put it in?

- Yeah, no problem.
- Great, here's my spare key.

Thank you.

- Penny, wait.
- Yeah?


If you don't have any other plans... you wanna join us for Thai food
and a Superman movie marathon?

A marathon? Wow, how many
Superman movies are there?

You're kidding, right?

I do like the one where
Lois Lane falls from the helicopter...

...and Superman catches her.

- Which one was that?
- One.

You realize that scene was rife
with scientific inaccuracy?

Yes, I know, men can't fly.

No, let's assume that they can.

Lois Lane is falling.

Accelerating at an initial rate
of 32 feet per second.

Superman swoops down to save her
by reaching out two arms of steel.

Miss Lane, who is now traveling... approximately
120 miles an hour, hits them...

...and is immediately
sliced into three equal pieces.

Unless Superman
matches her speed and decelerates.

In what space, sir? In what space?

She's 2 feet above the ground.

If he really loved her,
he'd let her hit the pavement.

- It would be a more merciful death.
- That doesn't...

Excuse me, your entire argument
is predicated on the assumption...

...that Superman's flight
is a feat of strength.

Are you listening to yourself?

Superman's flight is a feat of strength.

An extension of his ability
to leap buildings... ability he derives
from exposure to sun...

How does he fly at night?

A combination
of the moon's solar reflection...

...and the energy storage capacity
of Kryptonian skin cells.

I'm just gonna go wash up.

I have 2600 comic books in there.

I challenge you to find a single reference
to Kryptonian skin cells.

Challenge accepted.

We're locked out.

Also, the pretty girl left.


Her apartment's on the fourth floor,
elevator is broken, you're gonna...

Oh, you're just gonna be done?
Okay, cool, thanks.

- I guess we'll just bring it up ourselves.
- I hardly think so.

Why not?

Well, we don't have a dolly...

...or lifting belts,
or any measurable upper-body strength.

We don't need strength.
We're physicists.

We are the intellectual
descendents of Archimedes.

Give me a fulcrum and a lever
and I can move the Earth.

It's just a matter... I don't have this!
I do not have this!

Archimedes would be so proud.

Do you have any ideas?

Yes, but they all involve
a Green Lantern and a power ring.

Easy. Easy.

Okay. Now we've got an inclined plane.

Force required to lift is reduced
by the sine of the angle of the stairs... it 30 degrees, so about half.

Exactly half.

Let's push.


See, it's moving. This is easy.

It's all in the math.

- What's your formula for the corner?
- What?

Oh, okay.

Okay, yeah, no problem.
Just come up here, help me pull and turn.

Oh, gravity, thou art a heatless bitch.

You do understand
that our efforts here...

...will in no way increase the odds of you
having sexual congress with this woman?

Men do things for women
without expecting sex.

Yeah, those would be men
who just had sex.

I'm doing this to be a good neighbor.

In any case, there's no way
it could lower the odds.

Almost there.

- Almost there.
SHELDON: No, we're not.

- No, we're not. No, we're not.
- I'm sorry.

- Watch your fingers.
- Yeah.

Oh, God, my fingers!

- You okay?
- No, it hurt...

Great Caesar's ghost, look at this place.

So Penny is a little messy.

A little messy?

The Mandelbrot set
of complex numbers is a little messy.

This is chaos.

Excuse me.

Explain to me a system...

...where a tray of flatware
on a couch is valid?

I'm just inferring that this is a couch...

...because the evidence suggests
the coffee table's having a tiny garage sale.

Did it occur to you that not everyone
has the compulsive need to sort...

...organize and label
the entire world around them?


Well, they don't.

Hard as it may be to believe...

...most people don't sort their breakfast
cereal numerically by fiber content.

Excuse me, but I think
we've both found that helpful at times.

- Come on, we should go.
- Hang on.

- What are you doing?
- I'm straightening up.

Sheldon, this is not your home.

This is not anyone's home.
This is a swirling vortex of entropy.

When the transvestite lived here,
you didn't care how he kept the place.

Because it was immaculate.

I mean, you open that man's closet... was left to right, evening gowns,
cocktail dresses and his police uniforms.

- What were you doing in his closet?
- I helped him run some cable for a webcam.

- Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey, Penny.

This just arrived.
Brought this up. Just now.

Great. Was it hard getting up the stairs?

- No.
- No?

- No.
- No.

- We'll get out of your hair.
- Okay, great.

Thank you again.


I just want you to know
that you don't have to live like this.

I'm here for you.

What's he talking about?

- It's a joke.
- I don't get it.

Yeah, he didn't tell it right.




- [WHISPERING] Sheldon?
- Shh!

Penny's sleeping.

Are you insane?

You can't break into a woman's apartment
in the middle of the night and clean.

I had no choice.

I couldn't sleep knowing that just
outside my bedroom was our living room...

...and outside our living room
was that hallway...

...and immediately adjacent
to that hallway was this.

Do you realize that if Penny wakes up...

...there is no reasonable explanation
as to why we're here?

I just gave you a reasonable explanation.

No, no. You gave me an explanation.

It's reasonableness will be determined
by a jury of your peers.

Don't be ridiculous. I have no peers.

Sheldon, we have to get out of here.


You might want to speak
in a lower register.


Evolution has made women sensitive
to high-pitch noises while they sleep... that they'll be roused
by a crying baby.

If you want to avoid waking her,
speak in a lower register.

That's ridiculous!


No, that's ridiculous.


I accept your premise.
Now, please let's go.

- I'm not leaving until I'm done.
- Oh, no.

If you have time to lean,
you have time to clean.

Oh, what the hell.


Good morning.


I have to say I slept splendidly.

Granted not long,
but just deeply and well.

I'm not surprised.

A well-known folk cure for insomnia... to break
into your neighbor's apartment and clean.


You think?

Granted, my methods
may have been somewhat unorthodox...

...but the end result
will be a measurable enhancement... Penny's quality of life.

You've convinced me, maybe we should
sneak in and shampoo her carpet.

- You don't think that crosses a line?
- Yes.

For God's sake, Sheldon... I have to hold up a sarcasm sign
every time I open my mouth?

You have a sarcasm sign?

No, I do not have a sarcasm sign.

You want some cereal?

I feel so good today, I'm gonna choose
from the low-fiber end of the shelf.

Hello, Honey Puffs.

Son of a bitch!

Penny's up.

You sick, geeky bastards!

How did she know it was us?

I may have left
a suggested organizational schematic...

...for her bedroom closet.


This is gonna be bad.

Goodbye, Honey Puffs. Hello, Big Bran.

You came into my apartment
while I was sleeping?

Yes, but only to clean.

Really more to organize,
you're not actually dirty, per se.

Give me back my key.

I'm very, very sorry.

Do you understand how creepy this is?

Yes, we discussed it at length last night.

In my apartment? While I was sleeping?

And snoring.
And that's probably just a sinus infection.

But it could be sleep apnea. You might
wanna see an otorhinolaryngologist.

The throat doctor.

And what kind of doctor
removes shoes from asses?

Depending on the depth...

...that's either a proctologist,
or a general surgeon.


- God!
- Okay, look. No, Penny...

I think what you're feeling is valid
and maybe later today...

...when you're feeling less,
for lack of a better word, violated...

...maybe we can talk about this.

- Stay away from me.
- Sure. That's another way to go.

Penny, Penny, hold on.

Just to clarify...

...because there will be a discussion
when you leave.

Is your objection solely to our presence
in the apartment while you were sleeping...

...or do you also object to the imposition
of a new organizational paradigm?


Well, that was a little non-responsive.

You are going to march yourself
over there right now and apologize.


What's funny?

That wasn't sarcasm?

- No!
- Whoo.

Boy, you are all over the place
this morning.

I have a Master's and two Ph.Ds,
I should not have to do this.


I'm truly sorry
for what happened last night.

I take full responsibility.

I hope that it won't color
your opinion of Leonard...

...who is not only a wonderful guy,
but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover.

I did what I could.

Hey, Raj.

Hey, I don't know if you heard about
what happened with Leonard and Sheldon...

...but I'm really upset about it.

I mean, they let themselves into my place,
and then they cleaned it.

Can you even believe that?
How weird is that?

She's standing very close to me.

Oh, my. She does smell good.

What is that? Vanilla?

You know?

Where I come from, someone comes
into your house at night, you shoot.

Okay? And you don't shoot to wound.

I mean, all right, my sister shot her husband,
but it was an accident, they were drunk.

What was I saying?

She's so chatty.

Maybe my parents were right.
Maybe I'd be better off with an Indian girl.

We'd have
the same cultural background...

...and my wife could sing to my children
the lullabies my mother sang to me.

It's obvious they meant well.

I'm having a really rough time.
Like I said...

...I broke up with my boyfriend
and it's freaking me out.


I mean, just because most of the men
I've known happened to be jerks...

...doesn't mean I should just assume
Leonard and Sheldon are.


She asked me a question.
I should probably nod.

That's exactly what I thought.

Thank you for listening. You're a doll.

Uh-oh. Turn your pelvis.


Grab a napkin, homey,
you just got served.

It's fine. You win.

What's his problem?

His imaginary girlfriend
broke up with him.

Been there.


Sorry I'm late,
but I was in the hallway, chatting up Penny.

Really? You?

Rajesh Koothrappali spoke to Penny?

I was less the chatter than the chattee.

What did she say? Is she still mad at me?

Well, she was upset at first...

...but probably
because her sister shot somebody.

Then there was something about you,
and then she hugged me.

She hugged you? How did she hug you?

Is that her perfume I smell?

Intoxicating, isn't it?

- Hi.
- Oh.

What's going on?


Here's the thing:

"Penny, just as Oppenheimer came to regret
his contributions to the first atomic bomb... too I regret my participation
in what was... the very least, an error in judgment.

The hallmark
of the great human experiment... the willingness
to recognize one's mistakes.

Madam Curie's discovery of radium
turned out to have great potential...

...even though she would later die a slow,
painful death from radiation poisoning.

Another example,
from the field of Ebola research..."



We're okay.

LEONARD: Six two-inch dowels?
- Check.

- One package Philips head screws?
- Check.

Guys, seriously, I grew up
on a farm, okay?

I rebuilt a tractor engine
when I was, like, 12.

I think I can put together
a cheap Swedish media center.

Please, we insist.
It's the least we can do, considering...

Considering what?

How great this place looks?

- Oh, boy, I was afraid of this.
- What?

These instructions
are a pictographic representation...

...of the least imaginative way
to assemble these components.

This right here
is why Sweden has no space program.

- It looked pretty good in the store.
- It is an inefficient design.

For example,
Penny has a flatscreen TV...

...which means all this space
behind it is wasted.

- We could put her stereo back there.
- And control it how?

Run an infrared repeater,
photocell here, emitter here, easy-peasy.

- Good point. How will you cool it?
- Guys, I got this.

- Hang on, Penny.
- How about fans?

- Here and here.
- Also inefficient, and might be loud.

How about a liquid cooler?
A little aquarium pump here.

Run some quarter-inch PVC...

Guys, this is actually really simple.

Hold on, honey, men at work.

PVC comes here. Maybe a little
corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.

Show me where we put a drip tray,
a sluice and a overflow reservoir?

If water's involved,
we'll ground the crap out of the thing.

Guys, it's hot in here.
I think I'll just take off all my clothes.

Oh, I've got it.

What if we replaced panels A, B and F and
crossbar H with aircraft-grade aluminum?

- Entire thing's one big heat sink.
- Perfect.

Leonard and Sheldon, go to the junkyard
and pick up 6 square meters of aluminum.

- Raj and I will get the oxyacetylene torch.
- Meet in an hour?

- Done.
- Got it.

Okay, this place does look pretty good.

[English - US - SDH]