The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Bat Jar Conjecture - full transcript

Sheldon becomes so intent on demonstrating his intellectual superiority over the other guys that they kick him off the Physics Bowl team and replace him with his nemesis, Leslie.

More details
about the new Star Trek film.

There's going to be a scene
depicting Spock's birth.

I'd be more interested in a scene
depicting Spock's conception.

Oh, please.

For Vulcans, mating...
or if you will, Pon farr...

- it's an extremely private matter.
- Still, I'd like to know the details.

His mother was human.
His father is Vulcan.

- They couldn't just conceive.
- Maybe they had to go to a clinic.

Can you imagine Spock's Dad
in a little room

with a copy of
Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears.

How come on Star Trek
everybody's private parts are the same?

No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk,
"Hey, get your thing out of my nose."

Hi. Can you help me?

I was writing an e-mail
and the "A" key got stuck.

Now it's just going "Aaa..."

- What'd you spill on it?
- Nothing.

Diet Coke.

And yogurt.

And a little nail polish.

I'll take a look at it.

switching to local nerd news...

Fishman, Chen, Chaudury and McNair
aren't fielding a team

in the university Physics Bowl
this year.

You're kidding. Why not?

They formed a barbershop quartet
and got a gig

playing Knott's Berry Farm.

So, in your world,

you're like the cool guys.


This is our year.
With those guys out,

the entire Physics Bowl
will kneel before Zod.


Kryptonian villain. Long story.

Good story.

- Count me out.
- What? Why?

You want me to use my intelligence
in a tawdry competition?

Would you ask Picasso
to play Pictionary?

Would you ask Noah Webster
to play Boggle?

Would you ask Jacques Cousteau
to play Go Fish?

Come on, you need a four-person team.
We're four people.

By that reasoning we should also
play Bridge, hold up a chuppah

and enter the Olympic
bobsled competition.

Tickets to that, please.

Sheldon, what, do I need to quote
Spock's dying words to you?

No, don't.

"The needs of the many...

"... outweigh the needs of the few.

"Or the one."

Damn it, I'll do it.

Episode 113:
The Bat Jar Conjecture

First order of Physics Bowl business.

We need a truly kick-ass team name.

How about the Perpetual Motion Squad?

It's beyond the laws of physics,
plus a little heads-up for the ladies.

The ladies?

"Perpetual Motion Squad...
we can go all night."

- I like it.
- I don't.

Teams are traditionally
named after fierce creatures,

thus intimidating one's opponent.

- Then we could be the Bengal tigers.
- Poor choice.

Gram for gram,
no animal exceeds

the relative fighting strength
of the army ant.

Maybe so,

but you can't incinerate a Bengal tiger
with a magnifying glass.

Let's put it to a vote.
All those in favor...

Point of order.

I move that any vote on team names
must be unanimous.

No man should be forced to emblazon
his chest with a Bengal tiger

when common sense dictates
it should be an army ant.

Will the gentleman from the great
State of Denial yield for a question?

I will yield.

After we go through the exercise
of an annoying series of votes,

all of which the gentleman will lose,
does he then intend to threaten to quit

- if he does not get his way?
- He does.

I move we are the Army Ants.
All those in favor?

Good afternoon, and welcome
to today's Physics Bowl practice round.

I'm Penny,
and I'll be your host

because apparently
I didn't have anything else to do

on a Saturday afternoon,
and isn't that just a little sad?

Gentlemen, ready?

- Yes.
- Fire away.

It's none of my business,
but isn't a guy

who can't speak in front of women
gonna hold you back a little?

He'll be okay once the women
are mixed into the crowd.

He only has a problem
when they're one-on-one and smell nice.

Thanks, Raj. It's vanilla oil.

I was actually the one who noticed.
Okay, let's just start.

Okay, the first question
is on the topic of optics.

"What is the shortest
light pulse ever produced?"

- Dr. Cooper.
- And of course,

the answer is 130 attoseconds.

- That is correct.
- I knew that, too.

Good for you, sweetie.
Okay, next question:

"What is the quantum mechanical effect

"used to encode data
on hard-disk drives?"

And of course the answer is
giant magnetoresistance.

- Right.
- Hey, I buzzed in.

And I answered.
It's called teamwork.

Don't you think I should answer
the engineering questions?

I am an engineer.

By that logic I should answer
all the anthropology questions

because I'm a mammal.

Just ask another one.

"What artificial satellite
has seen glimpses

of Einstein's predicted
frame dragging?"

And of course,
it's Gravity Probe B.

Sheldon, you have to let
somebody else answer.


Because it's polite.

What do manners
have to do with it?

This is war.

Were the Romans polite
when they salted the ground of Carthage

to make sure
nothing would ever grow again?

Leonard, you said
I only had to ask questions.

The objective of the competion
is to give correct answers.

If I know them,
why shouldn't I give them?

Some of us might have
the correct answers, too.

Oh, please.
You don't even have a PhD.

- All right, that's it!
- Howard, sit down.

- Maybe we should take a little break.
- Good idea. I need my wrist brace.

All this button-pushing
is aggravating my old Nintendo injury.

I agree.

What did he say?

He compared Sheldon

to a disposable feminine
cleansing product

one might use
on a summer's eve.

Yeah, and the bag it came in.

Leonard, excellent.
I want to show you something.

Can it wait?
I need to talk to you.

Just look. I've designed
the perfect uniforms for our team.

The colors are based
on Star Trek: The Original Series.

The three of you will wear Support Red,
and I will wear Command Gold.

Why do they say "AA"?

Army Ants.

Isn't that confusing? "AA" might mean
something else to certain people.

Why would a Physics Bowl team
be called Anodized Aluminum?

No, I meant...

Never mind.

Check it out,

I got you a Batman cookie jar.

Oh, neat!
What's the occasion?

Well, you're a friend,
and you like Batman

and cookies,
and you're off the team.


Howard, Raj and I
just had a team meeting.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, we did. I just came from there.

Okay, I don't know
where you just came from,

but it could'nt have been a team meeting
because I wasn't there.

Ergo, the team did not meet.

Okay, let me try it this way:

I was at a coffee klatch
with a couple of friends,

and one thing led to another,
and it turns out you're off the team.


Because you're taking
all the fun out of it.

I'm sorry, is the winner of the Physics
Bowl the team that has the most fun?

Okay, let me try it this way:

You're annoying and no one
wants to play with you anymore.

I see.

At this point I should inform you

that I intend to form my own team

and destroy the molecular bonds
that bind your very matter together

and reduce the resulting
particulate chaos to tears.

Thanks for the heads-up.

You're welcome.

- One more thing.
- Yes?

It's on, bitch.

- So who'd he get to be on his team?
- He won't say.

He just smiles and eats
macaroons out of his bat jar.

He's using psychological warfare.

We must reply in kind.
I say we wait until he looks at us,

then laugh like, "Yes, you are
a smart and strong competitor,

"but we are also smart and strong,

and we have a reasonable
chance of defeating you."

How exactly would that laugh go?

That sounds more like,
"We are a tall, thin woman

who wants to make a
coat out of your Dalmatians."

Let's remember that Sheldon
is still our friend and my roommate.


So nothing.
Let's destroy him.


We're going to need
a strong fourth for our team.

You know who is apparently very smart
is the girl who played TV's Blossom.

She got a PhD. in neuroscience
or something.

Raj, we're not getting TV's Blossom
to join our Physics Bowl team.

How about the girl
from The Wonder Years?

Gentlemen, I believe I've found
the solution to all our problems.

We can't ask Leslie Winkle.

Why? Because you slept together,
and when she was done with you

she discarded you
like last night's chutney?


Sometimes you've got
to take one for the team.

Sack up, dude.


Here I go, taking one for the team...

in the sack.

- Hey, Leslie.
- Hi, guys.

So, Leslie,
I have a question for you,

and it might be a little awkward,
you know, given that I...

Hit that thing.

Leonard, there's no reason
to feel uncomfortable

just because we've seen
each other's faces

and naked bodies contorted
in the sweet agony of coitus.

There's not?

Gee, 'cause it sure sounds
like there should be.

Rest assured that any aspects
of our sexual relationship

regarding your preferences,
your idiosyncrasies, your performance

are still protected by the inherent
confidentiality of the bedroom.

That's all very comforting,
but if it's okay,

I'd like to get on
to my question now.


We are entering the Physics Bowl,
and we need a fourth for our team.

No, thanks. I'm really busy with my
like-sign dilepton supersymmetry search.

Dilepton, shmylepton.
We need you.


Well, we tried.

We'll just have to face Sheldon
mano y mano y mano a mano.

Wait, you're going up
against Sheldon Cooper?

That arrogant, misogynistic,
East Texas doorknob

that told me I should abandon
my work with high-energy particles

for laundry and childbearing?

She's in.

So, how do you feel?

Nice and loose? Come to play?
Got your game face on?

Are you ready?

Yeah. You know, you don't have
to stay for the whole thing.

Oh, no. I want to.
Sounds really interesting.


I'm just gonna sit down.

So, is that your team?

Actually, I don't need a team.

I could easily defeat you

but the rules require four.

So, may I introduce
the third-floor janitor,

the lady from the lunch room,
and my Spanish is not good...

either her son or her butcher.

And what about your team?

What rat have you recruited
to the S.S. Sinking Ship?

Hello, Sheldon.

Leslie Winkle.

Yeah, Leslie Winkle.
The answer to the question,

"Who made Sheldon Cooper cry
like a little girl?"

Well, I'm polymerized tree sap,
and you're an inorganic adhesive.

So whatever verbal projectile
you launch in my direction

is reflected off of me,
returns on its original trajectory

and adheres to you.

Oh, ouch!

Okay, if everyone could
please take your seats.

Here's your T-shirt.


It's a couple days early...

It stands for "Perpetual Motion Squad."

Of course.
What was I thinking?

Good afternoon, everyone,

and welcome to this year's Physics Bowl!

Today's preliminary match
features two great teams.

AA versus...


All night long, y'all!

Okay, well, let's jump right in.
First question for ten points:

"What is the iso-spin singlet partner

"of the pi-zero meson?"


- The eta meson.
- Correct.

- Formal protest.
- On what grounds?

The Velcro on my wrist brace
caught on my shirt.

All right, for ten points,

"What is the lightest element on Earth

"with no stable isotope?"


And of course,
the answer is technetium.


Next question:

"What is the force between
two uncharged plates

"due to quantum vacuum fluctuations?"


Sheldon can suck on...
the Casimir effect.


How does a quantum computer
factor large numbers?


- Shor's algorithm.
- Correct!

4.1855 times ten
to the seventh ergs per calorie.

Prevost's theory of exchanges.

Lambda equals one
over pi r squared n.

760 degrees Celsius...

the approximate temperature
of the young lady in the front row.

Mr. Wolowitz,
this is your second warning.

A sigma particle.

Yes, assuming the hypothetical planet
has a mass greater than the Earth.


Ladies and gentlemen,
I hold in my hand the final question.

The score now stands.
AA: 1,150,

PMS: 1,175.

So, for 100 points and the match,

please turn your attention
to the formula on the screens.

Solve the equation.

Holy crap.

What the hell is that?

Looks like something
they found on the ship at Roswell.

Come on. Think.

It's not gonna work if you rush me.
You have to let me get there.

You are never gonna
let that go, are you?

Ten seconds.


Sorry, I panicked.

Then guess.



I'm sorry, that's incorrect.


if you can answer correctly,
the match is yours.

He doesn't have it.

He's got squat.

AA, I need your answer.

The answer is minus eight pi alpha.

Hang on a second.
That's not our answer.

- What are you doing?
- Answering question.

Winning Physics Bowl.

How do you know anything
about physics?

Here I am janitor.

In former Soviet Union, I am physicist.

Leningrad Politechnika.

Go Polar Bears.

That's a delightful little story,

but our arrangement was that
you sit here and not say anything...

- I answer the questions.
- You didn't answer question.

Look, now, maybe you have
democracy now in your beloved Russia,

but on this Physics Bowl team,
I rule with an iron fist.

AA, I need your official answer.

- It's not what he said.
- Then what is it?

- I want a different question.
- You can't.

- Formal protest.
- Denied.

Informal protest.


- I need your official answer.
- No. I decline to provide one.

That's too bad because the answer
your teammate gave was correct.

That's your opinion.

- The winner of the match is...
- Hang on.

Is proving that you are single-handedly
smarter than everyone else so important

that you would rather lose by yourself
than win as part of a team?

I don't understand the question.

- Go ahead.
- The winner is PMS.

Sorry, somebody's sitting there.


My Physics Bowl trophy.

That trophy is meaningless.
I forfeited, therefore you did not win.

- I know someone who would disagree.
- Who?

My Physics Bowl trophy.

Leonard is so smart.

- Sheldon who?
- All right, that is very immature.

You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm not!

- Okay, new contest.
- What are you doing?

I am settling once and for all

who is the smartest around here, okay?

- Ready?
- Absolutely.

Bring it on.

"Marsha, Jan and Cindy
were the three daughters

"in what TV family?"

The Brady Bunch.

"Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth
as the lead singer in what group?"

The Brady Bunch?

Van Halen.

"Madonna was married
to this Ridgemont High alum."

Oh, my God! Sean Penn!

How do you know these things?

I go outside,
and I talk to people.

Okay, here.
"What actor holds the record

"for being named People Magazine's
Sexiest Man Alive?"

- William Shatner.
- Wait.

I don't think it's Shatner.

Then it's got to be Patrick Stewart.

Formal protest.

"Singer who sang,
Oops, I Did It Again?"

"Tweetie Bird tought
he taw a what?"



He tought he taw a Romulan.