The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Loobenfeld Decay - full transcript

Leonard lies to Penny so that he and Sheldon can get out of watching her perform. However, Sheldon believes that the lie has too many loose ends, so he comes up with a new, unnecessarily complex one to replace it.

No, see, the liquid metal Terminators
were created in the future by Skynet,

and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson,
but that future no longer exists

due to Dyson's death
in Terminator 2.

Then riddle me this:

Assuming all the good Terminators

were originally evil
Terminators created by Skynet

but then reprogrammed by
the future John Connor,

why would Skynet,
an artificial computer intelligence,

bother to create a petite, hot,
17-year-old killer robot?

Skynet is kinky?
I don't know...

Artificial intelligences
do not have teen fetishes.

Wait! They use it to...

Too late. I win.

What the hell is that?

I don't know,
but if cats could sing...

they'd hate it, too.

Hey, guys!

- Hi! Where you going?
- What?

We just had to mail
some letters...


throw away some chicken.

You'll never guess
what just happened.

I give up.

I don't guess.
As a scientist, I reach conclusions

based on observation
and experimentation.

Although as I'm saying this, it occurs
to me you may have been employing

a rhetorical device
rendering my response moot.

- What was that?
- Believe it or not, personal growth.

What happened?

Remember when I auditioned
for that workshop production of Rent,

but I didn't get it
and I didn't know why.

I have a conclusion
based on an observation.

No, you don't.
No, he doesn't.

The girl they picked to play Mimi
dropped out,

and they asked me to replace her.

What a lucky break.

It's not a big deal,
just a one-night showcase,

but they invite a lot of casting people.
So, you never know.

- I think I know.
- No, you don't.

He doesn't.

It's this Friday at 8:00.
You want to come?


Friday we are attending a symposium
on molecular positronium.

I think that's a week from Tuesday,
at 6:00.

No, it's this Friday.

At 8:00.

Too bad.
I gotta get to rehearsal.

- See you guys.
- See ya.

You just lied to Penny.

- Yes, I did.
- And you did it

so casually-- no rapid breathing,
no increase in perspiration...


So, lack of a physiological
response while lying

is characteristic
of a violent sociopath.

Sheldon, are you worried
about your safety?

No, I imagine if you
were going to kill me,

you'd have done it
a long time ago.

That's very true.

Episode 110
The Loobenfeld Decay


I need to speak to you.

- It's 2:00 in the morning!
- It's important.

I highly doubt that.

Go away.

Are you still out there?


You're right;
it can wait until morning.

- What, what?
- Never mind.

I clearly woke you up
in the middle of a REM cycle.

You're in no state of mind to talk.

What is it?

I'm uncomfortable having been
included in your lie to Penny.

What was I supposed to say?

- You could have told her the truth.
- That would have hurt her feelings.

Is that a relevant factor?

Then I suppose
you could've agreed to go.

And what would I have said afterwards?

I would suggest something
to the effect of:

singing is
neither an appropriate vocation

nor avocation for you,
and if you disagree,

I'd recommend you have a CAT scan
to look for a tumor

pressing on the cognitive
processing centers of your brain.

I couldn't say that.
I would have to say,

"You were terrific and I can't wait
to hear you sing again."


That's the social protocol.
It's what you do when you have a friend

who's proud of something
they really suck at.

I was not aware of that.

Well, now you are.

All right. Leonard?

When we played chess earlier,
you were terrific,

and I can't wait to play you again.
Good night.

This would be so much easier
if I were a violent sociopath.


I was analyzing our lie,

and I believe we're in danger
of Penny seeing through the ruse.


If she were to log onto

click on "Upcoming Events,"
scroll down to "Seminars,"

download the PDF schedule,

and look for the seminar
on molecular positronium,

bippity, boppity, boo--
our pants are metaphorically on fire.

Well, sir, my trousers
will not be igniting today.

Good morning.

Do you have any idea
what time it is?

Of course I do.

My watch is linked to the atomic clock
in Boulder, Colorado.

It's accurate
to one-tenth of a second.

But as I'm saying this, it occurs to me

that, once again, your question
may have been rhetorical.

What do you want?

Remember how Leonard told you
we couldn't come to your performance

because we were attending a symposium
on molecular positronium?

I remember "symposium."

Well... he lied.


He lied, and I'm feeling
very uncomfortable about it.

Well, imagine how I'm feeling.



I'm sorry,
this really isn't my strong suit.

You told her I lied?
Why would you tell her I lied?

To help you.

I'm sorry,
I'm not seeing the help.

She was going to see through
your lie eventually,

so I told her that you
were lying to protect me.

I'm getting a bad feeling.



I'm sorry, I'm really
not very good at this.

Anyway, Penny now believes that,
on Friday night,

we're going to participate in my cousin
Leopold's drug intervention.

Your cousin Leopold.

Who most people call Leo,
but he also answers to Lee.

- Remember that. It's important.
- What's important?

Details, Leonard--

the success or failure of our deceitful
enterprise turns on details.

- Do you have a cousin Leopold?
- No.

I made him up.

I think you'd call him Lee.

I don't get it.
I already told her a lie.

Why replace it with a different lie?

First of all, your lie
was laughably transparent,

where mine is exquisitely convoluted.

While you were sleeping,
I was weaving an un-unravelable web.



If she Googles "Leopold Houston,"
she'll find a Facebook page,

an online blog depicting
his descent into drug use

Okay, why would I go
to a drug intervention for your cousin?

Because it's in Long Beach,
and I don't drive.

- We're going to Long Beach?
- Of course not. There's no cousin Leo.

There's no intervention.
Focus, Leonard.

Aw, come on.

We just leave the house
on Friday night and we return

in the wee hours,
emotionally wrung out,

from the work of convincing Leo
to go back into rehab.

- He goes back into rehab?
- Yes, but,

he can relapse if Penny

ever invites us
to hear her sing again.

You still told her I lied.

For a noble purpose--
to spare me the social embarrassment

of having a drug-addled first cousin--
which I'm assuming is embarrassing, yes?

How am I supposed
to remember all of this?

That's the best part.
You don't have to.

I told Penny
that you would be embarrassed

if you knew that she found out
that you had lied,

so she's agreed to operate as if
the original lie is still in force.

So she's expecting me

to lie about going
to a symposium in Pasadena,

when, in actuality,

we're pretending to go to a drug
intervention in Long Beach.


Look at you,
all ready for your showcase.

- You look great.
- Thanks.

I just wanted to come by,
wish you guys luck

with your... symposium.

Thank you.

I got to tell you, a lot of friends
would let their friend go alone,

but that's not who you are.
You are the kind of guy

who stands by a friend when...

Wen he has a symposium to go to.

I don't know what to say.

It's okay, Leonard.

Okay, all right, good.

Oh, boy, group hug.

So, what's up?

Well, Penny is on her way to perform

in a one-night
showcase production of Rent,

which we are unable to attend,

because we're going to a symposium
on molecular positronium

given by Dr. Emil Farmanfarmian.

Wait a minute. Farmanfarmian is speaking
and you're bogarting the symposium?

- Howard, I'm sorr...
- No, no, you're quark-blocking us.

I don't know what to say.

It's okay.
It's your Millennium Falcon.

You and Chewbacca
do whatever you want to do.

Me and Princess Leia here will find
some other way to spend the evening.

Howard, wait.

I think we should tell them.

Okay, sure.
I don't see a problem with that.

There's no symposium.

Leonard lied to me.
Isn't that right, Leonard?

I don't know what to say!

It's okay; I do.

Leonard is helping Sheldon
through a family crisis.

He made up the whole story
about the symposium

with Dr. Farman...

Good for you.

...he didn't want
Sheldon to be embarrassed.

And there's nothing
to be embarrassed about.

Every family in America has a relative

holed up in a garage somewhere
huffing paint thinner.

No, I'm lost, too.
I think she skipped a step.

Sheldon's cousin Leo escaped rehab.
He's in a Motel 8 in Long Beach.

The whole family's going out
for an intervention.

Leonard is driving Sheldon down there

to help him through this,
because he's such a good man.

Another hug?
Thank you.

All right, you guys, good luck.

Thanks, Penny.
Oh-- break a leg.

Break a leg.

So, road trip to Long Beach.

- We're not going to Long Beach.
- Why not?

Because Sheldon doesn't have
a drug-addicted cousin Leopold.

Oh, too bad.

I've always wanted
to go to Long Beach.

It's a very nice community.

The Queen Mary is docked there.

Once the largest ocean liner in the
world, it's now a hotel and restaurant,

where they host a surprisingly gripping
murder mystery dinner.

- Sounds fun.
- I'm game.

- Shotgun!
- No, no, no.

Leonard gets nauseous unless he sits
in front, and even then, it's iffy.

Wait, are we...

Let it go, Sheldon.

The murderer was the first mate
whether it makes sense to you or not.

No, that's the least of our worries.

I've been doing
some research on addiction,

both the biochemical
and behavioral aspects--

and I think there's a problem
with the current version of our lie.

What are you talking about? It's fine!
She bought it; it's over.

Sadly, it's not.

Substance abuse
is a lifelong struggle,

but beyond that, I have realized
that the Leo I described

- would not have agreed to go to rehab.
- Why not?

Because Leo's a middle child.

There is no Leo!
How can you say that?

You didn't read the bio, did you?

He's not just a middle child,
he is the quintessential middle child--

from a broken home, to boot.

Psychologically speaking,
the attention he gets by rebelling,

even to the point of self-destruction,
is more emotionally valuable

than the help he would get at rehab.

- I've got a solution.
- Great. What is it?

Get out!


I've hesitated to point this out,

but I must now remind you
that we are in our current predicament

because of your initial
and totally inadequate deceit.

I'm just trying to clean up
after your mess.

We'll talk in the morning.


Who are you?

I am Sheldon's cousin Leo.

Sheldon does not have
a cousin Leo.

Au contraire.

I'm 26 years old.

I'm originally
from... Denton, Texas,

but I was a Navy brat,

so I was brought up on a variety
of military bases around the world.

As a result, I've often felt
like an outsider--

never really fitting in,

which is probably the reason
for my substance abuse problem.

Excuse me,
we just went over this.

As the quintessential middle child,
your addiction is rooted

in your unmet need for attention.

Sheldon, are we really going
to go with pop psychology?

For your information,
this is based on solid research.

Just stick with the character profile
I wrote for you.

I'm sorry.
Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld.

He's a research assistant
in the particle physics lab,

but he also minored in theater at MIT.

It was more of a double major, actually.

Theater and physics.

You can guess which one
my bourgeois parents pushed me toward.

Yeah, I got it.

Sheldon... why?

You see, while Leo
would not have gone into rehab,

it is completely plausible
that we would have talked him

into leaving the motel
and coming home with us.

How about this as my motivation--
when I was 14 years old,

I was abused in the Philippines
by a clubfooted Navy chaplain.

No. We're going with middle child

and a genetic predisposition to
inadequate serotonin production.

Swell. How do I play
genetic predisposition?

Subtextually, of course.

Just have fun with it.

- Morning, Penny.
- How did the intervention go?

Unfortunately, we weren't able
to convince him to go to rehab.

Based on what you told me,
I am not surprised.

But we did convince him
to leave the motel.

Come say hello.

This is Penny,

our friend and neighbor.

Hi, Leo.

How are you feeling?

Let me ask you something, Penny.

Have you ever woken up
in a fleabag motel,

covered in your own vomit,

next to a transsexual prostitute?

Then don't ask me
how I'm feeling.

Well, that's Leo.

why don't you tell me
about your showcase last night.

It was okay, I guess.
It wasn't a big turnout,

but they both really seemed to like it.

There were only
two people there?

By the end, yeah.

Damn you, Chaplain Harrigan!

I'm... I'm sorry?

The Philippines.


The Subic Bay Naval Station.

A young boy on the cusp of manhood.

His only companions,

mongrel dogs
and malarial mosquitoes.

Desperate and alone,

he reached out to a man
who promised to introduce him

to a merciful, loving God,

but who instead
introduced him

to a gin-pickled tongue
shoved down his adolescent throat.

What choice did he
have but to drink,

shoot and snort his pain away?

Don't forget his genetic predisposition
towards addiction.

- It's never been proven.
- There have been studies.

Not double-blind studies.

How could there be?
Who would be the control group?

As you can see,
detoxing can get pretty ugly.

Let's give them some privacy.

Do you want to come over
and have coffee?

Sounds good.

I have a video of me singing last night.
Do you want to see it?

Gee, why wouldn't I?

It's even better than you
coming to the showcase,

now I get to watch you watch me.

Funny how things work out.

...but he loved the companionship
and the wisdom

that his own father failed to provide.

Your parents made the right decision.

I cannot work like this.

This is amazing.

Just sitting on a couch
watching TV with a woman.

Not being drunk or high

or wondering
if you're a dude down there.

Leo, you are a very sweet,
really funny guy.

You're going to do okay.

One day at a time, Penny.

One day at a time.

How long is he going to stay here?

He's a homeless drug addict.
Where is he going to go?

Boy, you have a lot
to learn about lying.