The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 1, Episode 25 - The Andy Griffith Show - full transcript

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HOW ABOUT IT, SHERIFF? CAN I GO?
JUST A SECOND, OTIS.

WE GOT TO GET SOMETHING
SETTLED HERE.

NOW, ANDY, YOU GET A CHANCE
TO DO SOME REAL POLICE WORK

AND YOU PASS IT UP. WHY?

BARNEY, YOU'RE MAKING
A BIG BAWLING VOLCANO

OUT OF A LITTLE
WET WEATHER SPRING.

OH, HOW ABOUT IT, SHERIFF?
MY 24 HOURS IS UP.

I'M TRYING, OTIS.

YOU JUST GONNA LET HIM
WALK OUT, HUH?

WELL, HE ALWAYS DOES.

THAT'S JUST THE POINT.



WE'RE ENTIRELY TOO LAX
AROUND HERE.

NOW, IN THE BIG CITY JAILS,
THEY GIVE SOBRIETY TESTS.

SOBRIETY TESTS?

TO FIND OUT WHETHER OR NOT
A MAN IS SOBER.

I THINK WE OUGHT
TO DO IT HERE, TOO.

WELL, I BELIEVE A SOBRIETY TEST

IS GIVEN TO A PRISONER
WHEN YOU FIRST BRING HIM IN.

NOW, YOU OUGHT TO HAVE DONE
THAT TO OTIS LAST NIGHT.

OH, ANDY, YOU KNOW WE COULDN'T
HAVE GIVEN A SOBRIETY TEST

TO OTIS LAST NIGHT.

WELL, WHY NOT?

HE WAS TOO DRUNK.

NOW, COME ON, JUST LET ME
GIVE HIM AN ALERTNESS TEST.

ALL RIGHT.



YOU JUST LEAVE IT TO ME.

OTIS...

SHERIFF...

TAKE THE TEST.

OTIS CAMPBELL...

YOU WAS BROUGHT IN HERE
ON THE CHARGE OF DRUNKENNESS.

NOW, IT'S MY JOB TO SEE
IF YOU'RE FIT

TO TAKE YOUR PLACE
IN SOCIETY AGAIN.

IT WAS LAST NIGHT
I HAD A SNOOTFUL.

I'M ALL RIGHT THIS MORNING.

WE'LL DETERMINE THAT
IN JUST A MINUTE.

NOW, I'M GONNA TEST
YOUR REACTIONS

AND YOUR REFLEXES.

THIS JAIL'S GETTING
TO BE AS BAD AS HOME.

NOW, FIRST WE'RE
GOING TO TRY

A LITTLE VERBAL
COORDINATION TEST.

NOW, I'M GONNA SAY
A SENTENCE

AND THEN I WANT YOU
TO SEE IF YOU CAN SAY IT.

NOW, YOU READY?

NOW, HERE IT IS.

PETER PIPER PICKED
A PECK OF PICKLED POP...

PETER PIPER PICKED
A PACK OF PICKLED PEP...

PETER PICKLE PICKED
A PECK OF PICK...

PEPPER PETER PICKLE
PICKED PECK OF...

PETER PIPER PICKED A PECK
OF PICKLED PEPPERS.

IS THAT IT?

YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW FOR
A LITTLE MUSCLE COORDINATION.

NOW, HERE'S WHAT
I WANT YOU TO DO.

SPREAD YOUR ARMS OUT,

CLOSE YOUR EYES,
AND BRING YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

AND TOUCH YOUR FINGERTIPS.

GOT THAT?

ALL RIGHT,
LET'S SEE YOU DO IT.

[ Nasally ]
ALL RIGHT, OTIS.

OTIS?

OTIS, LET GO, OTIS.

OTIS, LET GO.

OKAY...

NOW, OTIS, YOU KNOW,
WHEN A MAN'S BEEN DRINKING,

THE FIRST THING HE LOSES
IS HIS ENDURANCE.

NOW, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU
A LITTLE ENDURANCE TEST.

LET'S JUST SEE HOW MUCH
ENDURANCE YOU'VE GOT, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, OTIS.

ON YOUR FEET.

NOW, LIFT YOUR RIGHT FOOT.

WHEN I GIVE THE COMMAND,
START HOPPING ON YOUR LEFT.

READY?

HEP!

ON COMMAND, CHANGE FEET.

HEP!

HEP!

HEP!

HEP!

HEP.

[ Weakly ]
HEP.

CAN I GO NOW?

BARNEY...

WELL, THAT REALLY IS...

THAT'S THE MOST SCIENTIFIC TEST
I EVER SAW.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU OUGHT TO WRITE THAT UP
AND SEND IT IN TO THE F.B.I.

CALL IT THE "BARNEY FIFE

PETER PIPER NOSE-PINCHING TEST
FOR DRUNKS."

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

HELLO.

OH, HELLO, MAYOR.

YES, SIR.

ALL RIGHT,
WE'LL BE RIGHT UP.

BARNEY, THE MAYOR
WANTS US

TO COME UP TO HIS
OFFICE RIGHT AWAY.

COME ON.
YOU READY?

ALL RIGHT, FOLLOW ME.

HEP!

THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

VERY FUNNY.

AND WE'LL HELP YOU
IN ANY WAY WE CAN.

OH, COME IN, ANDY.

I'M GLAD YOU CAME
RIGHT ON UP.

ANDY, SAY HOW DO YOU DO
TO MRS. WICKES AND MRS. BIXBY.

THIS IS SHERIFF TAYLOR
AND HIS DEPUTY.

HOW DO, LADIES?

ANDY, THESE LOVELY LADIES
ARE HERE

FROM THAT FINE ORGANIZATION,
THE WOMEN'S HISTORICAL SOCIETY.

OH, IS THAT RIGHT?

YES. THEY'VE COME HERE
TO HONOR US.

TELL THE SHERIFF, LADIES.

MAYBERRY SHOULD BE
VERY PROUD, SHERIFF TAYLOR.

IT WILL FINALLY GET THE
RECOGNITION IT DESERVES

FOR THE INCIDENT
AT MAYBERRY BRIDGE

DURING OUR GREAT WAR
OF INDEPENDENCE.

I DON'T BELIEVE I KNOW.

SOMETHING HAPPENED
OVER AT THE BRIDGE?

GO ON. TELL HIM.

OH, YES.

A SOLDIER FROM RIGHT HERE
IN MAYBERRY, NATHAN TIBBS,

RAN EIGHT MILES
THROUGH THE SNOW,

SET THE BRIDGE ON FIRE

JUST IN TIME TO PREVENT
THE ENEMY FROM CROSSING.

WELL, I DECLARE.

BECAUSE OF THAT
ONE MAN'S BRAVERY,

GENERAL WASHINGTON'S MEN
WERE ABLE TO CAPTURE

AN ENTIRE REGIMENT.

OH, WELL,
HOW ABOUT THAT?

NOW, THAT IS INTERESTING.

WELL, REALLY,
THE EXCITING PART IS THIS.

LIVING RIGHT HERE IN MAYBERRY

IS THE DIRECT DESCENDANT
OF NATHAN TIBBS.

NO.

YES. GO ON. TELL HIM.
IS THAT RIGHT, LADIES?

WELL, SO FAR WE HAVEN'T BEEN
ABLE TO TRACE HIM

IN ANY OF THE OTHER TOWNS.

YOUR MAYOR HAS
BEEN KIND ENOUGH

TO LET US BORROW
THE LOCAL RECORDS

SO WE CAN TAKE THEM TO OUR
HEADQUARTERS AND STUDY.

THAT THE DESCENDANT
IT IS JUST POSSIBLE

MAY BE LIVING RIGHT HERE NOW
IN MAYBERRY.

THE CELEBRATION
WILL BE ON WEDNESDAY

RIGHT HERE IN MY OFFICE,

AND, BOY, WHAT A DAY
THAT'LL BE FOR MAYBERRY.

NEWSPAPERMEN,
PHOTOGRAPHERS.

[ LAUGHS ]
COME ON, LADIES.

LET ME GET YOU
THOSE RECORDS.

GOOD-BYE, GENTLEMEN.

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED,

I ALSO HAVE A DAUGHTER
WHO SINGS.

AND FOR THE OCCASION,
SHE MIGHT SING "YANKEE DOODLE"

OR "JIMMY CRACK CORN" OR...

SHE'S DONE VERY WELL
WITH THAT ONE.

HEY, ANDY, CAN YOU
IMAGINE THAT?

A REVOLUTIONARY WAR HERO
LIVING RIGHT HERE IN MAYBERRY.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

YEAH.

WHO DO YOU SUPPOSE
IT COULD BE?

I DON'T KNOW.

COULD BE ANYBODY, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, IT COULD,
COULDN'T IT?

YEAH.

ANDY.
HMM?

WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY IF
IT TURNED OUT TO BE ME?

YOU?
YEAH.

YEAH, I RECKON IT WOULD.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHAT ARE YOU
LAUGHING AT?

WELL, YOU SAID
WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY,

SO I'M LAUGHING.

OH, I DIDN'T MEAN FUNNY
IN THAT WAY.

[ LAUGHING ]

YOU KNOW, ANDY, SOMETIMES YOU GO
JUST A LITTLE TOO FAR.

OH. WELL -- WELL, GOLLY, BARNEY.
I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE
THAT SENSITIVE ABOUT IT.

WELL, I AM.
I'M VERY SENSITIVE.

I'M LIKE MY MOTHER.
SHE'S VERY SENSITIVE.

ALL US FIFES ARE SENSITIVE.

OH. WELL --

WELL, IN THAT CASE, BARNEY,
I'M -- I'M VERY SORRY.

WELL, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

NEXT TIME, JUST --
JUST THINK.

OH. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

BESIDES, WELL,
WHAT'S SO IMPOSSIBLE

ABOUT MY BEING RELATED
TO A REVOLUTIONARY WAR HERO?

UH, NOTHING.

I JUST DON'T BELIEVE

THERE'S A NATHAN TIBBS
IN YOUR FAMILY TREE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH.

THERE MIGHT BE A PETER PIPER
IN IT.

OH, HI, ANDY.
HOWDY, BOYS.

FOUND OUT ANY MORE
ABOUT THAT THERE NATHAN TIBBS?

FOUND OUT WHO HIS KIN
MIGHT BE?

NO, NOT YET, JUDD.

THE LADIES ARE WORKING ON IT,
THOUGH.

COULD BE ANY OF US,
COULDN'T IT, SHERIFF?

IT COULD.

COULD BE ME, HUH?

[ LAUGHS ] YEAH.

WHOEVER IT IS,

IT'LL BE A MIGHTY BIG THING FOR
THE TOWN, WON'T IT?

[ LAUGHS ]

WONDER WHERE BARNEY'S BEEN
ALL MORNING.

PA, CAN I ASK YOU
SOMETHING?

ASK AWAY.

LET ME GET THAT SHOE THERE.
GET UP HERE.

IS IT BARELY POSSIBLE

THAT NATHAN TIBBS COULD'VE BEEN
MY GRANDPA?

COME ON, OPIE.
IS IT, PA?

NO, IT'S NOT BARELY POSSIBLE
NOR REMOTELY POSSIBLE.

SEE, IF NATHAN TIBBS
WAS YOUR GRANDPA,

THAT'D MAKE HIM MY PA,

AND THAT'D MAKE ME OUT TO BE
AT LEAST 170 YEARS OLD.

NOW, YOU DON'T THINK
I'M THAT OLD, DO YOU?

GOSH, NO, PA.

GOOD.

YOU DON'T EVEN LOOK
70 YEARS OLD.

THANKS.

SEE, OPIE, A LOT OF FOLKS
COULD START CLAIMING

THAT NATHAN TIBBS
WAS THEIR ANCESTOR,

BUT THAT AIN'T POSSIBLE.

HE COULDN'T HAVE BEEN
GREAT-GREAT-GRANDDAD

TO ALL THE FOLKS
IN THIS TOWN.

WHY NOT, PA?

GEORGE WASHINGTON WAS THE FATHER
OF THIS WHOLE COUNTRY.

WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT.
HOW IS IT DIFFERENT?

WELL, YOU SEE, IN ONE CASE,
"FATHER" --

UH, WELL, UH...
"FATHER" MEANS...

WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT THIS
SOME OTHER TIME?

NOW, YOU GET ON
OFF THE STOOL.

HOW ABOUT A CATCH, PA?

I'LL GIVE YOU ONE CATCH.
GET UP THERE.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.
READY?

OH!

NOW, YOU GET ON OVER THERE
TO SCHOOL.

DON'T BE LATE, NOW.

I WON'T, PA.

HI, OPE.
HI!

HI, ANDY.

OH, HOWDY, BARNEY.
WHAT YOU GOT THERE?

WAIT TILL YOU SEE.
JUST WAIT.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE.
SEE WHAT?

YOU WANT TO SEE?
I SURE DO.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT.

BARNEY...

WELL, IT'S ABOUT NATHAN TIBBS
AND HIS DESCENDANT.

I KNOW
WHO THE DESCENDANT IS.

YOU DO? WHO?

[ WHISTLING
"YANKEE DOODLE" ]

YOU?

BARNEY FIFE?

BARNEY TIBBS FIFE.

I THOUGHT
YOUR MIDDLE NAME WAS OLIVER.

WELL, THERE'S A TIBBS
IN THERE SOMEPLACE.

LOOK AT THIS.

SEE? NOW, THIS IS A CHART
OF NATHAN TIBBS' FAMILY TREE.

WELL, WHERE DID YOU
GET THIS?

OVER AT THE LIBRARY.

YOU MEAN, THIS WHOLE THING
WAS IN THE LIBRARY?

WELL, NOT THE WHOLE THING.

JUST THE START OF IT.
THE REST I DEDUCED.

OH, YOU DEDUCED?

YEAH, IT DEDUCES
RIGHT OUT TO ME.

ME, BARNEY FIFE.

I ALMOST STARTED TO CRY
RIGHT IN THE LIBRARY.

YOU DID?

NOW, SEE, IT STARTS UP HERE
WITH NATHAN TIBBS

AND HIS WIFE, ANNA.

THEN IT FOLLOWS DOWN
THROUGH ALL THIS BEGATTIN'

DOWN TO WHERE OTTO TIBBS

MARRIED DORIS WHITE

AND THEY BEGAT
A DAUGHTER NAMED HELEN.

NOW, THIS IS WHERE
THE EVIDENCE BEGINS TO PILE UP.

HELEN TIBBS MARRIED
THE SECOND COUSIN

OF A FELLA NAMED
DUNCAN FIFE.

I BELIEVE I'VE
HEARD OF HIM.

I THINK HE WAS
A CARPENTER OR SOMETHING.

PRETTY CLOSE, I GUESS.

WELL, DO YOU
GET THE PICTURE?

SEE, THIS IS WHERE
THE TIBBS FAMILY

AND THE FIFES GOT TOGETHER
FOR THE FIRST TIME.

AND THEY KEPT ON
BEGETTIN' AND BEGETTIN'

TILL FINALLY THEY BEGOT YOU.

IS THAT WHAT YOU DEDUCED?

IT'S RIGHT HERE
IN BLACK AND WHITE, ANDY.

WELL, THERE'S JUST

ONE LITTLE BITTY
FLAW THERE, BARNEY.

I BELIEVE THE FIFE FELLA
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

SPELLED HIS NAME P-H-Y-F-E
AND YOU SPELL YOURS F-I-F-E.

WELL, SOONER OR LATER,
SOMEBODY HAD TO SPELL IT RIGHT.

WELL, WHAT I MEAN IS

THEY FINALLY SPELLED IT
THE SIMPLE WAY.

I DON'T KNOW, BARNEY.

I WOULDN'T BE TOO SURE.

OH, ANDY, NO, THIS IS IT.

IT'S ME.

YEAH, I'M REALLY RELATED
TO OLD NATE.

NATE?

WELL, SEEING
AS HOW HE'S KIN...

WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
BARNEY.

ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS
RIGHT NOW AT THIS VERY SECOND

THEM TWO LADIES THAT
WAS IN HERE YESTERDAY,

THEY'RE BACK AT
THEIR HEADQUARTERS

STUDYING THE RECORDS
FOR THEMSELVES.

AND PRETTY SOON,
WE'LL KNOW

WHO THE RIGHTFUL DESCENDANT
OF NATHAN TIBBS ACTUALLY IS.

HARRIET, THERE'S
NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT.

HE'S THE ONE.

NATHAN TIBBS' DESCENDANT.

AND HE DOES LIVE
IN MAYBERRY AFTER ALL.

AND NOW, WHAT WAS
THAT NAME ONCE AGAIN?

OTIS CAMPBELL.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

SHERIFF'S OFFICE.

DEPUTY FIFE SPEAKING.

OH, HI, ANDY.

A-ARE YOU COMING DOWN SOON?

OH, IT'S BEEN QUIET.

WELL, I-I HAD TO BRING OTIS
CAMPBELL IN AGAIN LAST NIGHT.

YEAH, IT-IT IS UNUSUAL,
TWO-TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW.

WELL, MUST HAVE HAD A TIFF
AT HOME.

YEAH. OKAY.

YOU COMING RIGHT DOWN THEN?

ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU.

"HONORABLE MAYOR,

"LADIES OF THE WOMEN'S
HISTORICAL SOCIETY,

DISTINGUISHED GUESTS,
FRIENDS..."

HEY, OTIS?

OTIS?

OTIS...

[ MUMBLING ]

CAN-CAN YOU SPARE
A MINUTE?

THIS IS MY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
FOR THE AWARD.

I... I WANT YOU
TO LISTEN TO IT, OKAY?

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

"HONORABLE MAYOR,

"LADIES OF THE WOMEN'S
HISTORICAL SOCIETY,

"DISTINGUISHED GUESTS,
FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS...

"I STAND BEFORE YOU
A HUMBLE MAN,

"ALL CHOKED UP
WITH HUMBLENESS AND HUMILITY.

"IN ACCEPTIN' THIS AWARD,

"I CAN ONLY SAY
I FEEL GRATEFUL TO YOU,

"HONORABLE MAYOR,

"LADIES OF THE WOMEN'S
HISTORICAL SOCIETY,

"DISTINGUISHED GUESTS,

"FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS.

"I WAS BORN
RIGHT HERE IN MAYBERRY

"OF HUMBLE PARENTS
IN A HUMBLE HOME,

"AND I WILL LONG REMEMBER
THIS DAY, HONORABLE MAYOR,

"LADIES OF THE WOMEN'S
HISTORICAL SOCIETY,

FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS..."

Andy:
YOU FORGOT DISTINGUISHED GUESTS.

OH, YEAH.
DISTINGUISHED GUESTS.

I DIDN'T SEE YOU COME IN.

I THINK YOU OUGHT TO GET
ANOTHER AWARD FOR HUMBLENESS.

KIND OF OVERDID IT, HUH?

A MITE.

BETTER TAKE OUT
ONE "HUMBLE."

I WOULD.

WELL, MORNIN', LADIES.

Both:
GOOD MORNING.

WELL, WE'RE THAT MUCH CLOSER
TO THE CEREMONY NOW.

I IMAGINE YOU'VE
BEEN RATHER CURIOUS.

YES.

OH, WE SURELY HAVE.

YOU GOT THE NAME

OF THE RIGHTFUL
DESCENDANT, HAVE YOU?

WE CERTAINLY HAVE.

THIS IS IT, ANDY.

I JUST HOPE I DON'T CRY.

US FIFES
ARE SO SENSITIVE.

WHO'S THE LUCKY PERSON?

THE NAME
OF THE RIGHTFUL DESCENDANT

OF NATHAN TIBBS IS, UM...
OTIS CAMPBELL.

OTIS CAMPBELL?

THERE. DIDN'T I TELL YOU?

OTIS CAMPBELL?

[ MUMBLING ]

MERCY, WHAT'S THAT?

OH, OH, NOTHING.

J-JUST A PRISONER.

PAY-PAY HIM NO MIND.

LADIES, ARE YOU SURE?

OH, YES. WE WENT
THROUGH YOUR RECORDS

VERY THOROUGHLY.

OTIS CAMPBELL?

[ OTIS MUTTERING ]

OH, WELL, THANK
YOU, LADIES.

THAT CERTAINLY
IS EXCITING NEWS.

SHERIFF, IS MR. CAMPBELL
FAR FROM HERE?

UH, NO.

WE WANT TO
CALL ON HIM

AND GIVE HIM THE INFORMATION
IN PERSON.

OH, WELL, I, UH,

I-I-I BELIEVE OTIS
IS OUT OF TOWN.

OH, DEAR.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE?

UH, NO,
BUT I KNOW HE'S OUT.

BUT WE-WE'LL
TRACK HIM DOWN.

WELL, I HOPE SO,

BECAUSE WE'RE MAKING
THE PRESENTATION

LATE THIS AFTERNOON.

WE'LL GET HIM.

MR. CAMPBELL
SHOULD BE SO EXCITED

ABOUT THE NEWS.

I JUST CAN'T WAIT
TO TELL HIM

AND WATCH HIS FACE
LIGHT UP.

OH, HE'LL BE
LIT UP ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL SEE YOU,
THEN, LATER.

AND I DO HOPE

MR. CAMPBELL
WILL BE WITH YOU.

GOOD-BYE, SHERIFF.

BYE, LADIES.

I GOT TO GET WITH THE MAYOR
ON THIS RIGHT AWAY.

WE'D BETTER SOBER UP MAYBERRY'S
MOST DISTINGUISHED CITIZEN

AND GET HIM OUT OF HERE

BEFORE THOSE TWO
LADIES COME BACK.

OTIS CAMPBELL?!

WHAT?!

THE TOWN DRUNK
BEING HONORED?

WE'LL BE A
LAUGHINGSTOCK.

WE'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO LIVE IT DOWN.

MAYBE WE OUGHT TO CALL
THE CEREMONY OFF.

IT'S A DARK DAY
FOR MAYBERRY.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WE CANNOT ALLOW OTIS CAMPBELL
TO ACCEPT THAT PLAQUE.

THAT'S ALL
THERE IS TO IT.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
JUST HOLD ON.

I JUST DON'T SEE HOW
WE CAN DEPRIVE OTIS

OF WHAT'S RIGHTFULLY HIS.

AFTER ALL, HE IS A DIRECT
DESCENDANT OF NATHAN TIBBS.

AND HOW DO WE KNOW
THAT NATHAN TIBBS HIMSELF

DIDN'T TAKE A TASTE OR TWO
ONCE IN A WHILE?

WE CAN'T DEPEND ON OTIS.

HE MIGHT SHOW UP
BOILED AS AN OWL.

WELL, HOW YOU GONNA DO IT?

ANDY, IT'S UP TO YOU.

WELL, YOU'RE CLOSER
TO OTIS THAN ANY OF US.

WHY CAN'T YOU

HUSTLE HIM OUT OF TOWN
FOR A COUPLE DAYS

AND SEE IF YOU CAN'T FIND
SOMEBODY ELSE

TO ACCEPT THE PLAQUE FOR HIM?

IT AIN'T FAIR, MAYOR.

IT JUST AIN'T FAIR.

ANDY,
WE'RE LOOKING TO YOU

TO SAVE THE DIGNITY
OF OUR FAIR CITY.

GET US A SUBSTITUTE
FOR OTIS CAMPBELL.

THIS IS THE BIGGEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

YOU'RE PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT IT,
TOO, ARE YOU, MRS. CAMPBELL?

OH, I CERTAINLY AM.

THAT'S THE FIRST
TIME FOR AGES

SHE'S EVER PLANTED ANYTHING
AS LIGHT AS A KISS

ON TOP OF MY HEAD.

STOP.
IT'S TRUE.

OTIS, I BETTER
START TIDYING UP

IF WE'RE GONNA BE
IN THE MAYOR'S OFFICE

THIS AFTERNOON.

YOU GO AHEAD, HONEY.

EXCUSE ME, SHERIFF.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER
AT THE PRESENTATION.

YES, MA'AM.

[ HUMMING ]

SHE'S SURE TAKING THIS
AWFUL BIG.

SHE SURE IS.

WELL, WHY SHOULDN'T SHE?

SHE'S FINALLY GOT SOMETHING
TO BE PROUD OF ME FOR.

YOU KNOW, ANDY,

I'VE GIVEN THAT WOMAN
SOME AWFUL BAD TIMES.

BUT WAIT TILL YOU SEE HER
AT THAT PRESENTATION.

SHE'S GONNA BE
AS PROUD AS A PEACOCK.

AND YOU, UH...

YOU SURE WOULDN'T THINK

OF LETTING ANYTHING STOP YOU
FROM BEING THERE, WOULD YOU?

WHAT'S TO STOP ME?

UNLESS THERE'S ANOTHER
OTIS CAMPBELL GONNA BE THERE

IN MY PLACE.

[ LAUGHING ]

I WONDER WHAT'S HOLDING UP
OUR GUEST OF HONOR.

HE WIL BE HERE,
WON'T HE?

OH, YES, HE'LL BE HERE,
ALL RIGHT.

WON'T HE, SHERIFF?

UH, YES.
IT'S GETTING LATE.

DO YOU THINK ONE OF US MIGHT GO
OVER TO MR. CAMPBELL'S HOUSE

AND FETCH HIM?

OH, THAT WON'T
BE NECESSARY.

BUT, UH, AS LONG
AS WE'RE WAITING,

WHY NOT GET ANOTHER
PICTURE OF ME?

YES, YOU DO THAT,
AND WE'LL GO OUTSIDE

AND SEE IF WE
SEE OTIS COMING.

WELL, YOU SURE FIXED IT.

WHAT A STORY THIS
IS GONNA MAKE.

BARNEY, PLEASE.

I CAN JUST SEE OTIS SHOWING UP
FOR THAT PLAQUE NOW.

"WHERE'S MY PLAQUE?
GIVE ME MY PLAQUE."

THEN HE'LL STAGGER UP
TO THAT MRS. WICKES

AND HE'LL SAY, "HOW ABOUT
A LITTLE DRINK, BABY?"

IT'S GONNA BE AWFUL.

WELL, I TOOK A GAMBLE.

YEAH. SOME GAMBLE.

YOU'RE GAMBLING
THE WHOLE TOWN.

WHAT ARE WE
GONNA DO, ANDY?

ANDY, WHO DID
YOU GET, ANYWAY?

DON'T HE KNOW HE'S SUPPOSED
TO BE HERE ON TIME?

WHO IS IT?

WELL, TELL HIM.

GO ON. TELL HIM.

UH, MAYOR, I, UH...

I DIDN'T GET A SUBSTITUTE.

HUH?

WE'RE GETTING
THE REAL THING--

OTIS CAMPBELL
HIMSELF.

WHAT?

A HUNDRED PERCENT
OTIS CAMPBELL.

OR SHOULD I SAY
HUNDRED PROOF?

I SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU
TO GET A SUBSTITUTE FOR HIM,

BUT YOU DIDN'T!

YOU GOT HIM.
YOU DID, AND I DIDN'T,
BUT I DID.

HOW COULD YOU DO IT?

I DID.

HOW?
I JUST DID.

THE ONLY PLAQUE
THAT OTIS CAMPBELL DESERVES

IS FROM THE DISTILLERS
ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA.

I-I TOOK A CHANCE, MAYOR.

NEVER MIND. NEVER MIND.

THE ONLY THING TO DO KNOW

IS TO GET THIS
PRESENTATION OVER

BEFORE OTIS COMES
WEAVING IN HERE.

OH, THIS IS TERRIBLE.

THIS IS JUST TERRIBLE.

YOU BEAT EVERYTHING,
YOU KNOW THAT?

Pike:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

COULD I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION
FOR JUST A MOMENT?

I'M AFRAID THERE WON'T BE ANY
OTIS CAMPBELL APPEARING TODAY.

OH, WHY NOT?
IT SEEMS MR. CAMPBELL

HAS HAD A SUDDEN RECURRENCE
OF AN OLD AILMENT.

AND THEREFORE

HE'S IN NO CONDITION TO, UH,
STAND UP FOR THE OCCASION.

OH, HOW DISAPPOINTING.

AND SO IT'S WITH
A DEEP SENSE OF REGRET

THAT I SUGGEST
THAT WE GO AHEAD.

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

OH,
COULD THAT BE OTIS CAMPBELL?

OH, COULD IT EVER.

UM, MAYBE I BETTER GO SEE
IF I CAN HELP OTIS IN.

COME ON, DEPUTY.

HI, ANDY.

LOOK, MAYOR!
IT'S OTIS.

HELLO, OTIS.

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE

FOR MAKING
YOU GOOD PEOPLE WAIT.

THE TRUTH IS, I'M WEARING
A BRAND-NEW PAIR OF SHOES.

GUESS I GOT
TOO MUCH FEET IN THEM

AND I CAN HARDLY WALK.

WELL, COME ON IN.

OTIS, WE'RE...
WE'RE GLAD YOU GOT HERE.

AND... I...

DON'T YOU THINK WE BETTER
GO AHEAD WITH THE CEREMONY,

MRS. WICKES, PLEASE?

MR. CAMPBELL,

ON BEHALF OF THE WOMEN'S
HISTORICAL SOCIETY,

I WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT YOU
WITH THIS PLAQUE

COMMEMORATING
THE HEROISM

OF YOUR FAMOUS ANCESTOR,
NATHAN TIBBS.

WITH IT GO OUR BEST WISHES

TO MAYBERRY'S
MOST DISTINGUISHED CITIZEN.

CONGRATULATIONS.

I'VE BEEN THINKING

ABOUT THE BIG, LONG SPEECH
I CAN MAKE HERE.

THEN I GOT TO STUDYING
ABOUT HOW THAT WAS ALL WRONG.

SEE, I DON'T DESERVE
THIS AWARD.

I DIDN'T DO NOTHING.

BEING DESCENDED FROM A HERO
DON'T MAKE YOU ONE.

SHUCKS, A MAN CAN'T TAKE CREDIT
JUST FOR BEING BORN.

SO I WANT TO GIVE THIS
TO MAYOR PIKE

TO ACCEPT
FOR THE TOWN OF MAYBERRY,

OF WHICH I AM PROUD
TO BE A CITIZEN.

WELL, NOW,
THAT WAS...

LOVELY, MR. CAMPBELL.

THAT WAS A MOST GRACIOUS
ACCEPTANCE SPEECH.

OTIS, I'M
PROUD OF YOU.

BARNEY IS, TOO.
AIN'T YOU, BARNEY?

YEAH,
I'M REAL PROUD OF YOU.

WELL, I EXPECT
IT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE

IF WE ALL DRANK A LITTLE TOAST
FOR THE OCCASION.

GO AHEAD, OTIS.

I EXPECT NATHAN
WOULD'VE WANTED IT THAT WAY.

HAVE ONE, TOO,
MRS. CAMPBELL.

ANDY, I SURE HAVE TO HAND IT
TO YOU.

YOU SURE ARE A GOOD JUDGE
OF HUMAN NATURE.

MM.

YOU MUST'VE KNOWED DEEP DOWN
OTIS WOULD SHOW UP.

OH, I KNEW HE'D SHOW UP,
ALL RIGHT.

FOR A WHILE THERE, I WASN'T SURE
IN WHICH TOWN.

Y-YOU SUPPOSE WE OUGHT TO PUT
A PLAQUE IN THAT CELL THERE --

"OTIS CAMPBELL SLEPT HERE"?

"SLEPT IT OFF HERE"
WOULD BE MORE LIKE IT.

I SUSPECT IT'LL BE
A GOOD, LONG TIME, THOUGH,

BEFORE OTIS COMES
STAGGERING IN HERE

AND TAKING THE KEY
OFF OF THE WALL

AND LETTING HIMSELF
IN THAT CELL.

OH, I WOULDN'T GO
THAT FAR.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

YOU ALL RIGHT, OTIS?

I WAS OUT SHOPPING
WITH THE LITTLE WOMAN,

AND IT GOT TO WHERE IT WAS
TOO MUCH FOR ME.

SEE, ANDY?

AND I JUST HAD TO GET OFF
OF MY FEET.

THESE SHOES ARE KILLING ME.

SEE, BARNEY?

[ WHISTLING SPRIGHTLY TUNE ]