The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 1, Episode 14 - The Horse Trader - full transcript

ANDY, AIN'T YOU READY YET?

THAT MEETING'S DUE TO START
IN ABOUT TEN MINUTES.

I'LL BE READY
IN A LITTLE BIT.

WELL, YOU TAKE
LONGER TO GET READY

THAN ANYBODY I EVER KNEW.

WELL, YOU KNOW
HOW IT IS

WHEN YOU'RE
GOOD-LOOKING.

ANDY, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
ABOUT THIS CANNON BUSINESS.

I JUST CAN'T
UNDERSTAND IT.

OH, BARNEY, YOU
CAN'T FIGHT PROGRESS.

WHY DO THEY WANT
TO GET RID OF SOMETHING



THAT'S BECOME A LANDMARK
IN MAYBERRY?

OH, THAT OLD CANNON'S GETTING
TO BE AN EYESORE.

IT'S ALL RUSTY
AND CHIPPING AWAY.

I KNOW, BUT I'M USED
TO SEEING IT THERE.

I GOT A GOOD MIND
TO VOTE TO KEEP IT.

FINE. YOU VOTE ANY
WAY YOU WANT TO.

THAT'S WHAT THE
MEETING'S FOR.

SO EVERYBODY CAN
DECIDE ON WHAT

THEY WANT TO
DO WITH IT.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO.

I'M GOING TO VOTE
TO KEEP IT.

ALL RIGHT.

YES. GONNA VOTE
TO KEEP IT.

YOU DON'T LIKE
CHANGE, DO YOU?



AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I DON'T.

LITTLE BIT CONSERVATIVE
THERE, ARE YOU?

WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THAT?

NOTHING. I JUST
NOTICED THAT

YOU LIKE FOR THINGS
TO STAY THE SAME.

WELL, LOTS OF PEOPLE
ARE LIKE THAT.

I JUST HAPPEN
TO BE ONE OF THEM,

THAT'S ALL.

I LIKE THINGS TO STAY
THE WAY THEY ARE

AND IF SOMETHING HAPPENS
TO CHANGE IT,

WELL, IT-IT UPSETS ME.

IT DOES?
YES, IT DOES.

WHEN THEY PUT THAT STAMP MACHINE
IN THE POST OFFICE

THAT JUST FROSTED ME.

THAT BOTHERED YOU, DID IT?
YES, IT DID.

I DON'T THINK IT'S RIGHT
FOR THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT

TO BE TRANSACTING BUSINESS
THROUGH A SLOT MACHINE.

I SAT DOWN AND WROTE A LETTER
TO THE POSTMASTER GENERAL.

OH, YOU DID?

YES, I DID.

I DIDN'T MAIL IT, THOUGH.
WHY DIDN'T YOU?

I WOULDN'T BUY A STAMP
FROM THAT MACHINE.

[ CHUCKLING ]

BARNEY, I'LL TELL
YOU THE TRUTH.

YOU ARE A BIRD
IN THIS WORLD.

THAT MAY BE,
BUT I'LL TELL YOU

HOW I'M GONNA VOTE
ON THAT CANNON.

HOW?

I'M GOING TO VOTE
TO KEEP IT.

YOU JUST DO THAT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW
YOU'RE GOING TO VOTE

BUT I KNOW HOW
I'M GOING TO VOTE.

HI, PA.

OH, HI, SON.

CAN I LEAVE
MY SCHOOL BOOKS HERE?

I'M GOING OVER
TO JERRY PARKER'S HOUSE,

AND I'LL BE SKATING BACK.

WELL, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, NOW.

HOW YOU GOING TO
BE SKATING BACK

WHEN YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY SKATES?

WELL, I'M GONNA GET 'EM.

JERRY AND ME
ARE MAKING A TRADE --

HIS ROLLER SKATES
FOR MY LICORICE SEEDS.

YOUR WHAT?

HIS LICORICE SEEDS.

WHAT ARE LICORICE SEEDS?

AND WHERE'D
YOU GET 'EM?

ON ANOTHER TRADE
WITH TOMMY FARRELL.

I GAVE HIM MY CAP PISTOL.

YOUR NEW ONE?

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WORTH IT
TO GROW MY OWN LICORICE STICKS.

YOU WERE GONNA GROW
LICORICE STICKS?

YEAH, BUT IT WAS A FAKE.

I PLANTED 'EM,
AND NOTHING CAME UP.

YOU KNOW, PA,
I THINK TOMMY CHEATED ME.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, I'D SAY
THAT SUMS IT UP PRETTY GOOD.

AND SO NOW,
YOU'RE GONNA PAWN 'EM OFF

ON THE NEXT FELLOW?

AND ON A BETTER TRADE, TOO.

ROLLER SKATES ARE TWICE AS GOOD
AS A CAP PISTOL.

UH, LET ME, LET ME TELL
YOU SOMETHING HERE.

UH, YOU KNOW
THAT YOU'VE
BEEN TAUGHT

THE GOLDEN RULE --

"DO UNTO OTHERS
AS YOU WOULD HAVE
THEM DO UNTO YOU"?

YES, PA.

YOU THINK YOU'VE
BEEN FOLLOWING
THAT RULE?

SURE. TOMMY DID IT UNTO ME,
AND NOW I'M DOING IT UNTO JERRY.

UH, I-I BELIEVE YOU'RE BENDING
THAT RULE JUST A LITTLE BIT.

NOW, THE GOLDEN RULE SAYS

THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
HONEST AND SQUARE DEALING

WITH OTHER FOLKS.

NOW, TELLIN' YOUR FRIENDS

THAT THEM SEEDS IS GONNA GROW
LICORICE STICKS,

WELL, THAT'S KIND OF FAR AWAY

FROM WHAT YOU'D CALL
SQUARE DEALING,

AND IT'S AWFUL CLOSE
TO WHAT YOU'D CALL CHEATING.

I DIDN'T TELL HIM THAT THEY GROW
LICORICE STICKS, PA.

I JUST DIDN'T TELL HIM
THEY WOULDN'T.

WELL, I GOT CHEATED.

WELL, NOW, THAT STILL
DON'T MAKE IT RIGHT,

AND I KNOW
THAT YOU WOULDN'T FEEL GOOD

CHEATING YOUR FRIEND.

NOW, I-I'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.

NOW, YOU JUST KEEP
THEM LICORICE SEEDS

AND FORGET THIS WHOLE TRADE

UNTIL YOU GOT
SOMETHING WORTHWHILE

TO DICKER WITH, ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT. NOW JUST
ALWAYS REMEMBER

HONESTY IS THE
BEST POLICY.

YOU JUST LISTEN
TO YOUR PA, SON.

YOU'LL NEVER
GO WRONG ON THAT.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL
SEE YOU, OPIE.

IF HONESTY
IS SUCH A GOOD POLICY,

HOW COME I'M OUT A CAP PISTOL?

WAIT A MINUTE!

BARNEY, WILL YOU
WAIT A MINUTE?

YOU DON'T HAVE THE FLOOR.
SHERIFF TAYLOR DOES.

I JUST THOUGHT
YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW

HOW I'M GONNA VOTE
ON THE CANNON QUESTION.

WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE
ANY VOTING

TILL WE FINISH
WITH THE DISCUSSION.

NOW, IS THAT CLEAR?
YES, SIR.

WELL, GO ON THEN, ANDY.

AS SOON AS WE DO VOTE,
WANNA KNOW HOW I'M GONNA VOTE?

NO! NOW, GO AHEAD, ANDY.

YOU WANNA KNOW
HOW I'M GONNA VOTE?

BARNEY!

I'M GONNA VOTE
TO KEEP IT.
SHH.

WELL, SHE JUST WANTED TO KNOW
HOW I WAS GONNA VOTE.

MISS WALKER!

I DIDN'T...

BARNEY!

SHH.

WELL, ALL I WAS
TRYIN' TO SAY IS THAT

THE CANNON NEVER WAS
IN SUCH GOOD SHAPE

AND YOU REMEMBER AFTER
LAST FOURTH OF JULY

IT DIDN'T GET ANY BETTER

WHEN WE BUSTED THE MUZZLE
TRYING TO FIRE IT.

LET'S GET ON
WITH THE VOTING.

WE'RE NOT READY
FOR THE VOTING.

WE HAVEN'T HAD ANY DISCUSSION
ON THE PLAQUE YET.

WHAT PLAQUE?

THE PLAQUE THAT
WOULD REPLACE
OUR CANNON.

YES, ONE OF
OUR FORMER CITIZENS --

MR. MILFORD PHILIPS --

HAS GENEROUSLY OFFERED
TO DONATE IT TO US.

MILFORD PHILIPS?

YES.

HE STILL HAS FOND MEMORY

FOR HIS BOYHOOD DAYS

HERE IN THIS
SPLENDID COMMUNITY.

WELL, I GUESS WE'VE HAD
ABOUT ENOUGH DISCUSSION.

LET'S GET ON
WITH THE VOTING.

NOW THEN, ALL THOSE IN FAVOR
OF GETTING RID OF THE CANNON,

RAISE THEIR HANDS.

MOTION CARRIED.

WAIT JUST A SECOND.

YOU DIDN'T ASK
FOR THOSE AGAINST.

BARNEY,
THE MAJORITY RULES.

I DON'T CARE.

HE'S SUPPOSED TO GET A
COUNT ON THOSE AGAINST.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

NOW, ALL THOSE AGAINST IT,
RAISE THEIR HAND.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
RAISE YOUR HAND?

THINK I WANNA GO ON RECORD
AS A TROUBLEMAKER?

THE MOTION
WAS CARRIED UNANIMOUSLY.

MEETING ADJOURNED.

WAIT A MINUTE, MAYOR.

WELL, WHAT FOR?

WE DIDN'T DECIDE

WHAT TO DO WITH THE CANNON.

WELL, THAT'S SO.

WE GOTTA MAKE SOME DECISION.

WHY NOT DONATE IT
TO THE STATE MUSEUM?

YEAH, STATE MUSEUM.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

THAT SAD-LOOKIN' THING
IN THE STATE MUSEUM?

NO, STATE MUSEUM, NO GOOD.
BAD IDEA.

YOU WERE ALL ANXIOUS
TO GET RID OF IT, WEREN'T YOU?

NOW YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH IT, DO YOU?

SIMPLE-- YOU JUST...

SELL IT.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

Andy: WE COULD SELL IT
AT AUCTION.

ANDY, I APPOINT YOU AND BARNEY

AS A COMMITTEE OF TWO
TO SELL THE CANNON.

BUT, MAYOR...

MEETING'S ADJOURNED.

BARNEY, THAT WAS
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL.

GLAD YOU VOTED
MY WAY, BARNEY.

WELL, BUCKET MOUTH...

YOU KNOW ANYBODY
WHO WANTS TO BUY A CANNON?

[ PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

RIGHT HERE'LL BE GOOD.

WHOOP. THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH
RIGHT THERE.

WELL, WE DIDN'T HAVE MUCH LUCK
TRYING TO SELL IT, DID WE?

MIGHT AS WELL
JUST FORGET IT.

OH, ANDY, SOMEBODY'S
BOUND TO COME ALONG.

THERE MUST BE SOMEONE
WHO'D LIKE TO OWN

THIS FUNNY-LOOKING PIECE
OF ARTILLERY.

WE'LL FIND
A GOOD PLACE FOR IT.

DON'T SAY "FORGET IT."

UH, BARNEY?

YEAH?

YOU KNOW, I BELIEVE
I KNOW SOMEBODY

THAT WOULD BE TO DEATH
TO BUY THIS CANNON.

YOU DO?
YEAH.

FOR SURE?
YEAH.

HERE?
YEAH.

WHO?
YOU.

ME?
YEAH.

FORGET IT!

OH, ANDY, YOU TRYING
TO SELL ME THIS CANNON?

WHAT WOULD I DO WITH A CANNON,
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES?

WELL,
YOU SEEM TO LOVE IT.

LOVE IT?

WELL, NO.

I MEAN, WELL, I...

I LIKE IT, BUT I...

I DON'T LOVE IT.

WELL, BARNEY, WOULDN'T YOU
LIKE TO OWN THIS CANNON

AND KEEP IT RIGHT IN FRONT
OF YOUR HOUSE?

FRONT OF MY HOUSE?
THAT'S RIGHT.

AND THAT WAY YOUR PLACE'D GET
TO BE KIND OF A LANDMARK.

SORT OF A TOURIST SPOT.
THAT'S IT.

THEN FOLKS WOULD COME
FROM ALL OVER

AND JUST STAND IN MY FRONT YARD
AND STARE AT MY CANNON.

THAT'S RIGHT.
AND YOUNG ONES
WOULD PLAY ON IT.

YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, BARNEY?

FORGET IT!
BUT, BARNEY --

YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVE
TRYING TO SELL ME A CANNON!

WHAT KIND OF A DUMBBELL
DO YOU THINK I AM?

YOU BEAT EVERYTHING,
YOU KNOW THAT?

WELL...GOLLY, BARNEY.

I WAS JUST DOING WHAT THE MAYOR
ASKED US TO DO.

I DIDN'T THINK IT'D BE
ANY HARM IN ASKING.

YOU LIKE THE CANNON,
AND, WELL, SHUCKS --

I MEAN, I DIDN'T THINK
IT'D BE ANY HARM IN ASKING.

WELL, I-I'M SORRY, ANDY.

I DIDN'T MEAN
TO GET RILED.

I-I-I KNOW YOU WAS DOING
WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS RIGHT.

WELL, OF COURSE THERE'S
NO HARM IN ASKING.

AND...I'M NOT MAD...

BUDDY.

NO?

NO.

WANT TO BUY A CANNON?

FORGET IT!

OH...

HELLO.

NO LUCK?

NARY A NIBBLE.

I DON'T BELIEVE

THERE'S A VERY BRISK MARKET
FOR CANNONS THIS YEAR.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.

I DO HAVE BARNEY
FOLLOWING UP ONE LAST LEAD.

MIGHT AMOUNT TO SOMETHING.

I SURE COULD USE
A COOL DRINK.

OKAY.

CANNON-SELLING
PARCHES A BODY'S THROAT.

I DON'T KNOW
HOW MANY MILES WE WENT TODAY,

BUT I TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

I SURE AM
WORE OUT.

HI, PA.

WELL, HI, OP.

HI, MISS ELLIE.

CAN I HAVE
SOME, TOO?

OH, I GUESS SO.

MISS ELLIE,
ONE MORE STRAW.

ALL RIGHT.

HOW WAS SCHOOL
TODAY, OPIE?

[ MUMBLING AND SLURPING ]

I'LL ACCEPT THAT.

Barney:
OH, THERE YOU ARE, ANDY.

OH, HI, BARNEY.

I GOT AN OFFER
FROM CHARLIE ROSS.

CHARLIE ROSS,
THE JUNK DEALER?

THAT'S THE
ONLY PROSPECT
WE HAD LEFT.

WHAT'S HIS OFFER?

HE'LL TAKE IT OFF
OUR HANDS FOR $15.

$15? THAT'S
NOT VERY MUCH.

ANDY...

I KNOW. WHAT
ELSE WE GOT?

ALL RIGHT, GO COLLECT
$15 FROM CHARLIE

AND TELL HIM HE BOUGHT
HISSELF A CANNON.

ANDY, WE DON'T
COLLECT THE $15.

WE PAY IT.

WE PAY IT?

THAT'S THE BEST OFFER
I COULD GET OUT OF HIM.

WE PAY HIM $15,
AND HE'LL HAUL IT AWAY.

MAY I HELP YOU, SIR?

YES, I'D LIKE A TIN
OF PIPE TOBACCO, PLEASE.

UM, HOW'S THIS?

THAT'S FINE.

SAY, THAT'S INTERESTING.

SOMETHING
I HAVEN'T SEEN IN AGES.

SOAP?

NO.

THAT OLD COPPER WASH BOILER.

UH, HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?

THAT'LL BE 25 CENTS.

ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU ARE.

IS THIS FOR SALE?

DO YOU WANT TO BUY IT?

YES. I'M AN ANTIQUE DEALER.

I'LL GIVE YOU $5 FOR IT.

Ellie:
$5?

WELL, MR., UH...

MASON. RALPH MASON.

MR. MASON, IF YOU
REALLY WANT TO BUY IT,

I GUESS YOU CAN HAVE IT.

I DON'T HAVE
MUCH USE FOR IT.

FINE. FINE.

HERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU.

UH, MR., UH... MASON,
WAS IT?

UH, YES, MASON.

MR. MASON,
I'M ANDY TAYLOR.

I'M THE SHERIFF
IN THESE PARTS.

WELL, HOW DO YOU DO, ANDY?

HOW DO YOU DO?

THIS IS BARNEY FIFE.

HOW DO YOU DO, BARNEY?

I'M THE DEPUTY.

OH, THE DEPUTY.

UH, MR. MASON,

AS LONG AS YOU'RE
ON A SHOPPING SPREE,

I BELIEVE WE'VE GOT SOMETHING
YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO PASS UP.

OH, REALLY?

WHAT IS IT?

WELL, I...

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S VERY INTERESTING,

BUT I'M NOT SURE
I CAN FIND A BUYER FOR IT.

WELL, NOW, WAIT
A MINUTE, MR. MASON.

YOU'RE INTERESTED IN
HISTORICAL TREASURES,

AIN'T YOU?

HISTORICAL TREASURES?

OH, YES, SIR.

LIKE FIRING THE FIRST SHOT
AT FORT SUMTER AND LIKE THAT.

REALLY?

[ CHUCKLING ]

WELL, I...I DON'T KNOW.

OH, THERE'S HISTORY
WRITTEN ALL OVER
THIS OLD CANNON,

MR. MASON.

YOU SEE THAT CRACK
RIGHT THERE?

Mason: YES.

YOU ARE INTERESTED
IN HISTORICAL CANNONS, AINT YOU?

OH, YES.
YES, INDEED.

GOOD. GOOD.

THAT CRACK RIGHT THERE
COME FROM A DIRECT HIT

WHILST TEDDY ROOSEVELT WAS
DRAGGING HER UP SAN JUAN HILL.

REALLY?

WHAT ARE YOU
MAKING FACES FOR?

WE HAVE TO SELL
THAT CANNON.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO DO, SPOIL THIS?

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO TELL HIM?

YOU KNOW THAT CANNON WAS
NEVER AT SAN JUAN HILL.

WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW?
WERE YOU THERE?

YOU WANT TO BUY
THIS CANNON?
NO.

WELL, STOP MAKING FACES.

WELL, I
JUST DON'T KNOW.

OH, YES, SIR, MR. MASON.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT
HAD A LOT OF CANNONS,

BUT THIS IS HIS
VERY FAVORITE ONE.

WHEN HE YELLED "CHARGE,"
THIS IS WHAT HE CHARGED WITH.

BUT I THOUGHT TEDDY ROOSEVELT
LED A CAVALRY UNIT.

HOW'S THAT?

WELL, I UNDERSTOOD
WHEN HE CHARGED UP SAN JUAN HILL

HE CHARGED UP ON HORSEBACK.

OH, WELL, NOW, THAT'S RIGHT.

HE DID CHARGE
ON HORSEBACK

DRAGGING THIS CANNON
BEHIND HIM.

YOU SEE THE INITIALS
RIGHT THERE?

OH, YEAH.

SEE THAT "T.R."?
YES.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT.

WILL YOU STOP THAT?

TEDDY ROOSEVELT?

YOU KNOW TRACY RUPERT

SCRATCHED THAT
ON THERE WITH A NAIL.

WELL, SO WHAT?

WELL, YOU'RE
TELLING HIM A LIE.

YOU WANNA BUY THIS CANNON?
NO.

WELL, SHUT UP!
OOH!

SHERIFF?
YES?

PA, I NEVER HEARD...

OH, YOU NEVER HEARD

BECAUSE YOU BEEN
TOO BUSY TALKING.

I'VE BEEN QUIET.

WELL, YOU BEEN
LOOKING NOISY.

BUT, PA, I STILL
NEVER --

GO FIND THE BARREL RING
AND TELL BARNEY TO PUT IT AWAY.

WHAT BARREL RING?

NEVER MIND.
JUST FIND ONE, FIND ONE.

NOW THEN, UH, MR. MASON,
SHALL WE SIT DOWN

AND DO A LITTLE
SERIOUS DICKERING

ABOUT THIS FINE,
OLD, HISTORIC PIECE?

HIM AND HIS GOLDEN RULE.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO STOP
THINKING ABOUT IT.

I WAS SO MAD I DIDN'T EVEN PUT
AWAY THE BARREL RING.

WHAT BARREL RING?

OH, THE ONE OPIE BROUGHT IN.

I DID IT! I DID IT!

AND HOLD ONTO YOURSELVES
WHEN I TELL YOU

HOW MUCH I GOT
FOR THAT CANNON,

'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA JUMP
CLEAR OUT OF YOUR SKINS.

I GOT $175!

YOUR SKINS AIN'T A-RIPPING.

MAYBE YOU DON'T
BELIEVE YOUR EARS.

I GOT $175

FOR THE CANNON!

I'M JUST NOT
MAKING CONTACT.

BARNEY TOLD ME HOW YOU DID IT.

OH, WELL, MAYBE I
DID STRETCH THE TRUTH

A LITTLE BIT, BUT
WHAT'S THE HARM?

WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE
MR. MASON'S

GOING TO BE OUT
ANYTHING.

HE'S A ANTIQUE DEALER

AND HE'LL JUST SELL IT
TO SOMEBODY ELSE

AND WIND UP MAKING
EVEN MORE.

WELL, THIS IS
A FINE HOWDY-DO.

ALL I DID WAS
A LITTLE HORSE TRADING

AND INSTEAD OF THE
TOWN BEING OUT $15

TO GET RID
OF THE CANNON,

WE COME OUT $175
TO THE GOOD.

YOU'D THINK
I'D JUST COMMITTED

A BANK ROBBERY.

[ SLURPING ]

IF THAT DON'T BEAT ANYTHING
I EVER SAW IN MY LIFE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

IN THERE TO GET A CONE.

WELL, GET YOUR CONE
SOMEPLACE ELSE.

NO SON OF MINE IS GOING
TO PATRONIZE A PLACE...

WHERE'D YOU GET
THEM ROLLER SKATES?

SAME PLACE I GOT THE MONEY
FOR THE CONE, FROM JERRY PARKER.

OPIE TAYLOR,
DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME

THAT AFTER ALL THE TALKING
I DID ABOUT THE GOLDEN RULE

YOU TRADED
THEM LICORICE SEEDS ANYHOW?

OH, NO, PA.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD.

I TRADED HIM THAT CUFF LINK
THAT YOU GAVE ME THE OTHER DAY.

THAT OLD BROKEN CUFF LINK
THAT WAS ON MY DRESSER?

YES, SIR.

AND JERRY PARKER GAVE YOU
A GOOD PAIR OF SKATES

AND ENOUGH MONEY
FOR A CONE FOR THAT?

YES, SIR.

WELL, HOW DO YOU FIGURE

YOU WAS ABLE TO MAKE
SUCH A GOOD TRADE?

WELL, MAYBE 'CAUSE
HE GOT THE IDEA

THAT IT WAS REALLY A BUTTON

OFF THE UNIFORM
OF GENERAL GEORGE WASHINGTON.

THAT WAS THE IDEA THAT HE HAD.

NOW, YOU TAKE
THEM SKATES OFF

AS FAST AS
YOU KNOW HOW.

WHY, PA?

BECAUSE YOU'RE
RETURNING THEM,
THAT'S WHY.

BUT, PA...

AND THE MONEY
FOR THE CONE.

NOW, COME ON,
GET 'EM OFF.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, PA?

THE MATTER IS THAT
I GOT A IDEA

ABOUT THE IDEA
JERRY GOT

ABOUT THAT CUFF LINK
BEING A BUTTON

OFF OF GENERAL
WASHINGTON'S UNIFORM,

AND THE IDEA I GOT

IS THAT IT'S JUST
BARELY POSSIBLE

THAT THE IDEA JERRY
GOT COULDA COME FROM YOU.

HOW ABOUT IT?

WELL...

NOW, COME ON,
TELL ME THE TRUTH.

I DON'T WANT
YOU LYING TO ME

ON TOP OF
EVERYTHING ELSE.

OKAY. IT'S BARELY POSSIBLE.

DO YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'VE DONE?

YOU'VE JUST BROKEN
THE GOLDEN RULE,

AND THROWN IT RIGHT OUT
THE WINDOW AND CHEATED.

OH, NO, PA, I
DIDN'T CHEAT AT ALL.

WELL, WHAT
DO YOU CALL IT THEN?

BEING SMART,
JUST LIKE YOU.

WHAT?

SURE. WHEN I SAW HOW
YOU DICKERED

WITH THAT FELLOW
FOR THE CANNON,

I KNEW HOW
IMPORTANT IT IS

TO MAKE UP A GOOD STORY

TO GO WITH WHATEVER
IT IS YOU'RE TRADING.

SO I MADE UP THE STORY
ABOUT GEORGE WASHINGTON.

AIN'T THAT BEING SMART, PA?

NO, THAT'S NOT BEING SMART.

THAT'S JUST LYING --
LYING AND CHEATING.

BUT DIDN'T YOU DO THE SAME
WITH THAT FELLOW, PA?

WELL, WELL, WELL, NO!

NO?

NO!

WHAT I DID
WAS TO BUILD UP THE PRODUCT

SO IT'D BE EASIER
FOR ME TO SELL.

THAT'S WHAT I DID.

WELL, WELL, NO, NOW.

NOW, WHAT, WHAT I DID
IS WHAT WE CALL

A LITTLE INNOCENT
HORSE TRADING.

I KNOW.
THAT'S WHAT I DID.

WELL, NOW, NO.

YOU SEE, IT'S DIFFERENT
WITH YOU.

WITH, WITH GROWN FOLKS,
WHY, WHY, WE...

YOU KNOW WHAT
I THINK, PA?

WHAT?

I THINK WE BOTH
BROKE THE GOLDEN RULE.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT, OPIE.

NOW, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT --

YOU TAKE THEM SKATES
BACK TO JERRY,

AND I GOT
A LITTLE FENCE MENDING

TO DO OF MY OWN,
ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

ANOTHER ROOT BEER FLOAT.

BARNEY, DON'T YOU
THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH?

YOU LET ME WORRY
ABOUT THAT.

BUT, BARNEY, FOUR
INSIDE OF FIFTEEN MINUTES.

PUTTING ALL THAT
ICE CREAM AND SODA

IN YOUR STOMACH.

ELLIE, IF YOU WON'T
SELL IT TO ME,

I'LL JUST BUY IT
SOMEWHERES ELSE.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT ANDY WOULD DO SUCH A THING.

I LOOKED UP TO THAT MAN.

WELL, THERE'S ONE THING,
BARNEY --

HE ISN'T DOING THIS
FOR PERSONAL PROFIT,

HE'S DOING IT
FOR THE GOOD OF THE TOWN.

WELL, THAT DON'T MAKE IT RIGHT.

OH, DEPUTY.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER FOR SHERIFF TAYLOR.

YOU CAN SAVE ME
THE TROUBLE.

HERE'S MY CERTIFIED CHECK
IN PAYMENT FOR THE CANNON.

WELL, UH, MR. MASON...

YOU MADE YOUR DEAL
WITH SHERIFF TAYLOR,

AND YOU LET HIM
DO HIS OWN COLLECTING.

WELL, IT REALLY DOESN'T
MATTER WHO ACCEPTS IT.

IT'S MADE OUT
TO THE TOWN OF MAYBERRY.

OH, MR. MASON.

OH, THERE YOU ARE, SHERIFF.

I BEEN LOOKING
FOR YOU.

WELL, NO NEED TO WORRY.

I'VE GOT THAT CERTIFIED CHECK
FOR YOU

JUST AS I PROMISED.

WELL, YOU BETTER
JUST KEEP THAT.

I'M AFRAID THAT'S MONEY
WE CAN'T TAKE.

WHY? WE MADE A DEAL.

WELL, I KNOW WE DID.

BUT THE DEAL WE MADE
IS BASED ON LIES.

OH?

YEAH. EVERYTHING
I TOLD YOU

ABOUT TEDDY ROOSEVELT
AND SAN JUAN HILL

AND ALL LIKE THAT,
WELL, I MADE THAT UP,

AND I HAVE TO BE HONEST
WITH YOU.

WELL, I APPRECIATE THAT

AND I HAVE TO BE HONEST
WITH YOU, TOO.

I THINK I CAN SELL IT.

THAT RUSTY OLD EYESORE?

THAT OLD CANNON
AIN'T WORTH $175.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL GIVE YOU $150.

WILL THAT EASE YOUR MIND?

FOR A CANNON
THAT AIN'T EVEN BEEN IN A WAR?

OKAY, LET'S MAKE
IT A HUNDRED.

NO. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,
MR. MASON.

I JUST CAN'T
CHEAT YOU.

WELL, HOW ABOUT 75?
NO.

65?
NO.

50?
NO.

40?
30.

DONE.

THERE YOU ARE, $30.

I'LL HAVE IT MOVED

WITHIN A WEEK.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

I FORGOT ABOUT YOU
HAVING TO MOVE IT.

THAT'LL COST
AT LEAST TEN DOLLARS.

I'LL JUST GIVE YOU
TEN DOLLARS BACK

AND THAT'LL MAKE IT $20
FAIR AND SQUARE

ALL THE WAY AROUND.

SHERIFF, I JUST
WANT TO SAY

THIS IS THE DARNDEST
BUSINESS DEAL

I WAS EVER IN.

COME BACK
TO SEE US.

THANK YOU.

SO LONG.

WE'LL SEE YOU.

OH, ANDY,

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING,
AND I'M PROUD OF YOU.

HOW WAS THAT
FOR HORSE TRADING?

WHEN I SET OUT TO LOSE,

I REALLY DO A GOOD JOB
OF IT, DON'T I?

ANDY...

HUH?

WELL...

I OUGHT NEVER TO DRINK.

OH, ANDY.
OH, HI.

WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE A PERSON
WITH SOMETHING ON THEIR MIND.

I AM. I JUST GOT THIS WIRE
FROM MR. MILFORD PHILLIPS.

OH, GOOD. I HOPE THAT PLAQUE
HE'S GIVING THE TOWN

IS ON ITS WAY.

YEAH, THAT CANNON
SURE LEFT A BARE SPOT.

MAYBE YOU BETTER READ
THIS, ANDY.

OKAY.

"MAYBERRY TOWN COUNCIL,

"HAVE RECONSIDERED
GIVING PLAQUE.

"HAVE FOUND SOMETHING
MUCH BETTER

"AND MORE FITTING FOR A TOWN.

"AM SENDING YOU GENUINE
SILVER WAR CANNON

"WITH CRACK DOWN MUZZLE

FROM ACTUAL COMBAT
AT SAN JUAN HILL"?

[ WHISTLING SPRIGHTLY TUNE ]