Tell Me Everything (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
Jonny's improved mental health starts to come at a cost, as he ignores Mei's growing red flags. Regan helps Neve realize her warnings will come across as jealousy. Louis' desperation to lose his virginity by emulating porn goes ba...
MUSIC: 'The Distance'
by Cake
♪ He's going for speed
♪ She's all alone All alone
♪ All alone in her time of need... ♪
MOBILE RINGS
Hello?
'It's Dad. Do you want
a Colin The Caterpillar?'
What?
'For your birthday?
I'm at the supermarket.
'It's what you usually have,
isn't it?'
Yeah, whatever.
'Oi, oi. What are you up to?'
I'm out. I'm running.
DAD LAUGHS
'Since when do you run?'
OK. Er, thanks, Gareth.
HE HANGS UP
♪ He's going the distance
♪ He's going for speed
♪ She's all alone All alone
♪ All alone in her time of need... ♪
Is 15 too young to lose
your virginity, question mark.
You whore. Really?
Isn't that, well, illegal?
Who cares, Lou-Lou?
So you guys did it?
No way.
Way, way. I just thought he's fit.
He's not too annoying
and he's got condoms.
Oh, so he's a keeper?
Nah, but who wants to be the oldest
virgin in Welwyn Garden City?
♪ He's haunted by something
He cannot define
♪ Bowel-shaking earthquakes
Of doubt and remorse
♪ Assail him, impale him
With monster-truck force... ♪
Louis?
Zia.
Are you training for something?
No.
No, I just... I like to keep
a certain level of cardio fitness.
Zia?
Oh, I love your videos.
Oh, thank you.
Can I get a selfie with you?
Yeah.
I'll tag you.
OK.
You're popular.
Went viral once,
dancing in my bedroom.
I know, I saw.
I mean, it went viral, right?
Everyone saw.
I'll see you around.
Coolio.
♪ He's going the distance
♪ He's going for speed
♪ He's going the distance. ♪
"Coolio"?
HE GROANS
'I've found myself in so many weird
situations since my dad died.
'And this isn't even
the worst of them.'
How are you?
How am I?
Er... OK.
Good. Me, too.
You are?
Yeah.
Yeah, like good-good.
Not just,
"Good, but I actually wanna..."
HE IMITATES EXPLOSION
That's encouraging.
What do you think's changed?
Er...
♪ You got the funk
Gets me stupid, gets me drunk
♪ I'll do anything that you want
Anything that you want, want. ♪
PLEASURED GROANS
This and that.
Well, that's really good to hear.
Same time next week?
'Actually, that's really
cheered me up.
'Nice one, Horrocks!'
I'm 17 in four days,
which means this is my last chance
to make it happen before I'm
some sad old person who's never...
Mmm! Summer fruit cider?
Do you think she likes me?
I think she likes me.
Well, she went to your party,
you got off with her
and she doesn't run away screaming
when you talk to her, so...
Yeah, but that's not exactly it,
is it?
Well, what is it?
It. Doing it.
Oh, you were in town, Lou-Lou.
What, did you think she was gonna
go down on you outside Morrisons?
Hey, do I get anything?
It's all right for you guys,
but I'm still a, you know...?
What?
WHISPERS: Oh, a virgin?
Right, this needs to calm down.
Where's your phone?
It's in my pocket.
What you doing?
Sending Zia a message.
Saying what? Saying what?
There.
Oh, shit!
She wants to hang out.
Mate, you got this, yeah?
You can do it.
Cos there's no way you're still
gonna be a virgin when you're...
..22.
Yeah.
I can do it. I can do it.
When you've finished doing it,
that's £28.70.
JONNY GROANS
Oh, for fuck...
Right, if I'm hanging out
with Zia tomorrow,
I'm gonna go home, do some prep.
We did all that stuff at my school
in Year 11,
so I've just been copy and pasting
since the start of term.
How are they gonna know?
Police! You're under arrest.
Copy and pasting.
Right. Erm, let me know
if you wanna rent an essay.
Bye, Saj.
Anyone sitting here?
You are.
Hmm... Thanks.
Do you know Saj?
No. Seems cool.
Don't be fooled,
he's like a proper nerd.
Cheers.
Something's missing.
Is Louis not being here
freaking you out?
A bit. But this is OK.
Anything's better
than that nutcase girl.
She's not a nutcase.
She nearly bottled someone.
Yeah, but not really.
Mm... sounded pretty real to me.
Hey.
Speak of the devil.
Hi, Neve.
Hey, Mei.
I love your top.
Thanks.
Er, what about my top?
It's shit.
You're shit.
Right.
BANGING ON DOOR
Oh, Jesus!
I'm a bit busy right now.
Yeah, so am I,
and all I can hear is...
Well, we're nearly done.
For fuck's sake.
What, do you want me to lie?
The time for playing games
is over, Jonny.
Yeah, I can see that.
Do you want something,
or are you just on sex patrol?
Look, Mum's been asked to do more
shifts at the hospital, yeah?
And I'm gonna be away
over the weekend.
I'm not sure when I'll be home.
Jen's managing the bar,
but she can't lock up the back.
You know how to do it?
Yeah, me and Dad used to do it
all the time. Right.
OK.
And... she...
She needs to go...
DOOR SLAMS
I've transferred
your birthday money from Gran.
She said,
"Don't spend it all on partying."
I said, "Fat chance."
HE CHUCKLES
So, what are you gonna spend it on?
Driving lessons.
I want driving lessons.
OK. Are you sure?
Yeah.
Why?
You do get quite car sick.
I wanna get myself places.
Go out more, when I want.
Well, look, you don't need to pay
for lessons, I could teach you.
We can take the Jag,
although she's a bit lairy
round corners.
Your mum's old Mini. Nice and...
simple.
Morning.
You all right?
No Mei today?
She's in bed.
Oh.
Andrew messaged me.
Oh, he's such a...
He lives here, too.
He's like some sort of...
fun hoover.
Well, I think he's got a point.
Oh, come on.
Mei's here more than she's not.
And you do seem to have a lot of...
Hi, Ann.
Mei, I was just saying,
I think you're both still studying.
You need to make sure
you're getting enough time for that
and to look after yourselves a bit.
It's fine, really.
I should probably go home anyway.
It's fine.
I hate to get in the way.
Come here.
I should probably go home.
I promised I'd help out
with my sister.
OK, cool. Yeah.
We should go to yours this weekend.
Get away from incel man-boy
over there.
Yeah. I'll have to check with Mum.
She's finding things a bit hard
since Dad died.
Of course. Yeah.
It was so weird.
Got like 30,000 followers
and two million views
just from that one post.
Yeah, I saw. You were everywhere.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna
focus on the views next.
Seems to be what
gets the most engagement.
It is so cool that you wanna
get into tech.
Yeah, er, digital entrepreneurship's
where it's at now.
I mean, cryptocurrencies
are a bit...
Doge and, um...
But it sounds cool.
Is that what your meeting was about?
Yeah.
Yeah. Uh, yeah.
Was, er,
Leah into cryptocurrencies?
Your ex.
You were just talking about her.
Oh, no, no.
That's not why I chucked her,
though.
It's just we were growing apart.
She was really smart and,
erm, hot as well.
Not as hot as you, obviously.
Probably like, erm...
seven out of ten.
I... don't normally
do the whole out-of-ten thing.
That's not... I'm just trying
to, you know, make it more...
I'm talking way too much, aren't I?
SHE LAUGHS
Look, I should probably go.
Would you wanna come back to mine?
M-M-My dad's not in, so...
I can't.
Oh...
Don't worry. I shouldn't have asked.
Tomorrow.
I could come back tomorrow.
Yeah.
Yeah, great, tomorrow, yeah.
So it's on, yeah?
And you're gonna ace it.
Tonight is your night.
How am I supposed to know
how it all works?
Sex Ed was useless.
It was just STIs and diagrams.
Porn, Lou.
It's basically online learning
with orgasms.
I have watched porn, you know.
I just don't trust it.
The average male penis is 5.8 inches
and then on porn it's eight inches.
I've been reading about it.
Right, well, whatever gets you off.
Jonny, it's not funny.
I'm shitting it.
What happens if I fuck it up?
Seriously?
Porn. It's got everything.
If you can think it, someone's
doing it with someone else.
Someone's sat in the corner
filming it,
and a bunch of other people
are wanking themselves off
into next week about it.
Just figure out what works for you.
Watch and learn. That's what I do.
No bullshit,
I'm the CEO of sex right now.
Going all right with Mei, then,
is it?
MOBILE VIBRATES Uh, yeah.
Hey.
'Hey, you OK?'
Yeah, heading over now.
Great.
'Just one thing.'
Something you
haven't actually told me.
I don't know where you live.
I'll send you a pin.
'OK.'
'Hi! Sorry.
'Either I can't get to the phone
right now
'or I'm miles away from a signal.'
ANSWERPHONE BLEEPS
Hi, Mum. Uh...
I know you'll probably call
on my birthday.
I'm just phoning to say hi, really.
And to get your advice on...
..driving lessons.
And some other stuff.
But...
I guess we'll talk soon.
Erm...
..I love you, Mum.
Fuck's sake!
'What did you think of Saj?'
Why?
He asked me to ask
if you wanna meet up.
Erm, I'm not sure.
So, Louis, what we thinking?
What do you buy a walking panic
attack for their 17th birthday?
Well, you've known him and Jonny
for years, right?
Yeah, since he moved down
from the North... somewhere.
So, what's he into?
Right now?
Sex!
'It's normal to feel nervous.
'This is the start of a journey
and you're just getting to know her.
'Come on.
'Turn her on.'
ENGINE REVS
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Gently.
Right.
Now rev her up a bit.
ENGINE REVS
Find the biting point.
That's it, you feel her?
SHUDDERING
ENGINE CUTS OUT
Just stop calling the car "her".
It's a car.
All right.
Let's just pause a moment,
and then fifth time lucky.
Are you still out tonight?
Yeah. I won't be back
till the morning. Why?
I...
I might have someone over.
Jonny?
No.
No, it's not Jonny.
It's, erm...
A girl?
Yeah. A girl.
OK.
Can I offer you some advice?
Yeah.
Don't get her pregnant.
Let's go again. Start her up.
ENGINE STARTS
ENGINE CUTS OUT
I should have known
you wouldn't be able to do this.
Good luck tonight.
Jonny.
Hey.
Surprise.
We're not going in?
Something better.
Where are we going?
BLEEPING
Right, here we go.
That's Mr and Mrs Murphy.
Is that champagne?
It is, and it's on the house
because you're celebrating.
Yes. It's our anniversary.
A week.
One year.
One year, one week.
Well, erm, enjoy your stay.
THEY CHUCKLE
We've gotta stop doing that.
Nobody listening in.
Nobody telling us what to do.
You're crazy.
That's why you like me.
MUSIC: 'Uneasy'
by Metronomy x Spill Tab
♪ Pull me down
♪ Don't need to take no vows
♪ You're reaching farther now
♪ Than I have ever known
♪ Pull me down
♪ Don't need to take no vows... ♪
What the hell does that do?
Where does it even go?
I have no idea.
It's gotta be better than nothing.
Well, what happened to Lizzie?
We broke up.
Oh, shit. Sorry.
She wanted things to go
a lot faster than I did.
CHUCKLES Things?
Do you think Louis would like...
this?
Wow, so realistic.
Hm. I thought you would have
preferred Jonny.
Ha, no. Why do you say that?
VIBRATOR HUMS
No reason.
No. Not... No!
No!
If you say so.
Uh, so, Saj, what's he like?
PLEASURED MOANS
ON LAPTOP
MAN: 'You like that, don't you?'
WOMAN: 'Yeah, yes.'
DOORBELL RINGS,
LOUIS GASPS
PLEASURED GROANS
WOMAN: 'Yes! Yes!'
What are you thinking?
I was thinking about my dad.
He would love doing stuff like this
just for the hell of it.
I wish I had met him.
What about your dad?
You've never said much about him.
There's not really much to say.
He wasn't much of a dad.
He never really bothered with me.
I've got an idea.
Yeah?
You are locking up the pub tomorrow
and it's Louis' birthday.
What if we had a lock-in?
Keep it quiet.
No-one would ever find out,
would they?
Especially not your brother.
Invite a few mates
and a few people from college.
Just for the hell of it.
Fuck it.
Yeah, all right.
SHE LAUGHS
What?
Wanna know a secret?
Your brother's paying for this.
SIREN BLARES OUTSIDE
What?
I mean, his door was open.
How is he still living at home
when he's like 20 or whatever?
The money was just sitting there
in one of his OCD drawers.
You took Andrew's money?
That OK?
MOVIE THEME PLAYS
HE TURNS TV OFF
Good film, isn't it?
Have you, erm, seen the prequel?
Shit.
I'm... I'm sorry.
What?
It's OK.
You fucking like that, don't you?
What?
Do you like that?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you're so fucking hot.
You're such a slut.
What the fuck?!
I'm sorry.
What is wrong with you?
You're like some dumb kid
who's watched way too much porn.
This never happened. OK?
Oh, my God.
You're just a wanker.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
You said latte, right?
Uh, vanilla latte.
But I'll forgive you.
CHUCKLING: Thanks.
So, the boys' school?
It was all right.
If you like rugby
and boys gagging to meet girls.
Parents never thought
they'd pushed me enough.
Dad used to email my school
asking for extra work.
MOBILE VIBRATES
Till his laptop caught a virus.
Can't think how that got there (!)
Then they sent me to summer school.
It's actually how I got into coding.
Coding?
Coding's not just for nerds.
Mm...
All right, look.
First programme I wrote
hacked the school's website.
Turned the home page
into a one-stop shop for Viagra.
That was you?
Oh, we were well impressed.
MOBILE VIBRATES
Am I distracting you?
No.
Look, you've been on your phone
since the minute we met up.
Sorry.
I've gotta go.
I'll see you around.
SHE SIGHS
Thanks, Jen.
Cheers. See you later.
DOOR LOCKS
'I'm, sort of,
shit scared right now.
'But, you know,
if you had access to a pub
'and all the alcohol in it...
'..would you give up a chance
to host a lock-in?
'No.
'Me, neither.
'Dad would have loved it...'
'..I think.
'And they'll be gone by...
'..about one.'
MOBILE VIBRATES
NEVE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY
I've been saying do this for ages.
About time, dickhead.
Yeah, well, it was Mei's idea.
Hey. Thought we could do
something nice for Lou-Lou.
Nice.
Yeah?
Just hope he turns up now.
He won't wanna miss this.
Well...
Well, what?
How was the date?
It wasn't a date.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Right, what are we getting, huh?
What can I get youse?
Pint?
Pint.
Pint.
MOBILE VIBRATES
'Hi, guys.
'I just wanted to come on and do
a little live video for you all
'before I go out tonight.
'Just adding the finishing touches
to my make-up,
'just using a little bit
of glitter on my lids.'
I thought you'd be out.
And I kinda thought
you'd still have company
when I got back this morning.
No.
Oh.
Stalled that, too, did you?
But...
three, two, one.
Happy birthday!
MUSIC: 'Chokehold'
by Slaves
It's just... I wasn't feeling him.
Saj is nice, but...
What?
He's a bit of a nerd. You said that.
Yeah, or just clever.
He's, like,
one of the nicest guys I know.
I wouldn't have suggested it
if he was a dickhead.
Oh, he's nice. He's really nice.
Oh, my God!
What?
HIP-HOP MUSIC STARTS
ON JUKEBOX
Come on.
No. No, I'm not.
Come on.
Oh, I ain't doing it.
Just once, just once.
I'm not doing this.
I don't wanna do it.
All right. One time.
CHEERING
CHEERING
Yes? Yeah?
Shots.
This is the best night.
You're a legend.
NEVE CLEARS THROAT
You're having fun, right?
Yeah.
MAN CHEERS
DOOR OPENS
CHEERING
Do you know them?
Uh, no.
Maybe.
Oh, it'll be fine.
People are having fun, Neve.
Thought Lou-Lou was
our little stress princess.
Hey.
You do like him, don't you?
We're just mates.
Come on, Neve, it's obvious.
Me and Jonny are mates.
Old, old friends.
You and me, we've just met.
You don't know anything
about me, Regan.
I don't know why you think you can
tell me what is going on in my life.
Hey.
Hey.
Mm!
Lou-Lou, I've been messaging you
all day. How was it?
Yeah, yeah, it was good, yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
That's my boy!
Happy birthday!
What else did you get
for your birthday?
Just money, driving lessons,
PlayStation.
A WhatsApp message from my mum
saying she's in the Amazon
so she can't call
for ten days or something.
Mate, I haven't actually
got you anything, yet.
You are so useless.
No. Apart from this. Huh?
Hey, hey!
ROOM GOES QUIET
Now, the reason
we're all here tonight
apart from the fact that it's my bar
and I've asked you all to be here!
The other reason
is that my best mate... Oi!
One of my best mates, one of them,
is the birthday bastard boy.
Uh, Luigi.
CHEERING
I love this guy, man.
I love him. He's the best.
And not only is it his birthday,
but last night,
he lost his virginity.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hey, no.
CHEERING
AND APPLAUSE STOPS
No, I didn't.
I'm still a virgin.
And, er, probably always will be.
Lou...
DOOR CLOSES
Louis. Where you going?
It's your party.
It's not, though, is it?
I don't drink and it's in a pub.
I know about five people
in there, Jonny.
What happened with Zia?
Nothing. Nothing happened.
I watched all the porn, everything,
I completed it.
I still fucked it.
Why do I listen to you?
Mr Everything's So Simple.
It's not that easy for me.
Are you joking?
You go on like you've got
so much to worry about.
I mean, you're smart,
you're a bit of a specimen.
Your parents are loaded.
You've always been the kid
that has had everything.
Yeah. Yeah, that's me.
Do you know how many PlayStations
I've got, Jonny?
Four. I've got four PlayStations.
Gareth just keeps buying me them
and then forgetting.
Can't be bothered
to tell him any more.
So, I know my parents ain't dead,
but sometimes I wish...
Don't say that.
It's true.
They don't take me seriously.
Nobody does.
You're lucky you don't
have to say it.
Lucky?
Lou-Lou.
Don't call me that!
We've always called you Lou-Lou.
I know.
I've always hated it.
MUSIC: 'Yuk Foo'
by Wolf Alice
Who are all these people?
What's wrong with you?
You have to stop this,
it's Jonny's pub.
We both know
this isn't about the pub.
Jonny chose me.
♪ I don't wanna be cruel
But you're really grinding
♪ I'm not a fool
But I have a rage and it's blinding
♪ I feel it coming
Is it exciting?
♪ I feel it coming
Yeah, I'm unwinding
♪ You bore me
You bore me to death
♪ Well, deplore me
♪ No, I don't give a shit
You bore me
♪ You bore me to death
Well, deplore me
♪ No, I don't give a shit. ♪
Is this OK, Jon Jo? Are you OK?
Give me that.
CHEERING
MAN CHEERS
We've gotta stop. Get them out.
No, Jonny, we don't, just enjoy it.
What? No, they've gotta go.
Get 'em out.
Jonny, I thought you wanted this.
GLASS SHATTERS
CHEERING
GROANING
JONNY BREATHES HEAVILY
MOBILE VIBRATES
You were late last night.
Have a good one?
CAR ENGINE REVS
OK, easy on the clutch.
ENGINE ROARS
What did I say
about going from three to four?
Keep it smooth.
BRAKES SQUEAL
How's my emergency stop?
CAR HORN HONKS BEHIND
Where are you going?
Get back in the car.
CAR HORN HONKS BEHIND
Maybe if you spent
a few more weekends at home
instead of fucking off
with your mates
pretending you weren't middle-aged.
And maybe if you spent some more
time being a dad and a husband
instead of some wannabe
Top Gear twat,
then Mum might have
gave you a second chance.
Maybe if Mum put as much energy
into being a mum
as she does into setting up
non-patriarchal eco communities
in developing countries...
I'm sorry.
I'm not a kid any more.
I know you're not.
CAR HORN HONKS
Look...
I know how hard this is,
this part of your life.
I've been there, remember?
I didn't want to be
treated like a kid.
I-I wanted people
to take me seriously.
Didn't help that I was
a bit of a late developer.
I was always the last of my mates
to do everything.
Even?
Yeah.
And then when I did...
..the relief.
You know, I thought,
"Finally, I can relax
and just get on with being 16."
QUIETLY: Fuck's sake.
I'll clean up the pub.
I'll pay back the money that I took.
What money?
I took some from your drawer.
Oh, my God...
I will... I will pay it back.
How, Jonny?
What with? You're lucky
it was Andrew that caught you.
The noise was so loud
when I pulled up,
can't have been long
till someone called the police.
They know us,
they used to come to Dad's lock-ins.
Yeah, well, your dad's not here.
If Mum loses the licence,
you know what else we lose?
Our home.
Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen.
It will if you don't grow up.
I don't fucking wanna grow up!
I've already had to.
I shouldn't have to know
what this is like!
Why the fuck should I have
to tell people my dad's dead?
Why shouldn't I fill this pub
like Dad did?
Because it won't bring him back.
Come here.
We won't always feel like this.
I can't remember
not feeling like this.
I'm sorry.
I will make it up to you. I will.
Just tell me what you want me to do.
Anything.
I want you to stop seeing Mei.
Whatever you want.
MOBILE VIBRATES
Hi.
Morning, losers.
Ah! Dick.
HE GROANS
All right. Here we go. Freddie?
Yep.
Alice?
Yes.
Hannah?
Yep.
Neve?
Neve?
Er, what?
Are you here?
I think Neve's absent today.
LAUGHTER
Robin?
Yes, Lorna.
Lisa?
Zia.
I didn't know
he was gonna say all that stuff.
Jonny, I mean.
You shouldn't have told him
we had sex in the first place.
I didn't.
Not really.
But then I didn't tell him
he was wrong, so it's just as bad.
I just thought
I wasn't good enough for you.
You get so much attention
from guys, like here and on Insta.
I liked you, Louis,
because you don't look, or sound,
or act like other boys.
You're different.
Not just some clone.
That's what I liked.
Then you turned into a dick.
Really sorry.
You don't have to pretend, Louis.
You are you.
People like you because of that.
Some girl is gonna love it.
You.
Don't think she's your type.
I can't fucking stand her.
What does Jonny see in her?
I'm sorry.
You were right about Jonny and me.
So, what you gonna do?
Nothing.
Neve, if you want him, go get him.
Look, I'd like to be taken
a bit more seriously from now on.
And I'd like a bit more respect
from both of you. OK?
Yeah.
OK.
And I'm sorry
about the virginity speech.
Look, the whole thing
about parents and dying,
I, erm...
BOTH: Ooh!
All right. See you later.
Have you seen Mei?
What is going on with you two?
Mum don't want me
to see her any more.
Like you've ever done anything
your mum wants you to.
Yeah, cos I don't know what to do.
Cos I've never
felt like this before, Neve.
If you want her...
..go and get her.
Don't know what I'd do without you.
Piss off.
MUSIC: 'There's So Many People
That Want To Be Loved' by Sorry
♪ There's so many people
That want to be loved
♪ But you won't lay a finger
On another one
♪ There's a conversation
That I'd like to discuss
♪ But you don't wanna open
Your goddamn mouth
♪ I've been working things out
I've been slaving away... ♪
HE SIGHS
♪ I've been saying things like
"I kept my temper at bay"
♪ And saving up for
♪ Someone that really wants
To be loved
♪ But you're the only pair of hands
That I'm thinking of... ♪
SHE SNIFFS
♪ There's so many people
That want to be loved
♪ See them walking round
In odd socks... ♪
BUZZER
♪ Looking about as lonely
As astronauts
♪ I see them in the graveyard
Walking their dogs... ♪
The door isn't unlocking properly.
Is Mei here?
No, I don't know where she is.
Probably with her dad.
♪ Standing like lamp posts
Waiting for their train
♪ To see them even when
I think I'll never see them again
♪ There's so many people
That it drives me insane
♪ There's so many people
That just wanna be loved
♪ There's so many people
That just wanna be loved. ♪
by Cake
♪ He's going for speed
♪ She's all alone All alone
♪ All alone in her time of need... ♪
MOBILE RINGS
Hello?
'It's Dad. Do you want
a Colin The Caterpillar?'
What?
'For your birthday?
I'm at the supermarket.
'It's what you usually have,
isn't it?'
Yeah, whatever.
'Oi, oi. What are you up to?'
I'm out. I'm running.
DAD LAUGHS
'Since when do you run?'
OK. Er, thanks, Gareth.
HE HANGS UP
♪ He's going the distance
♪ He's going for speed
♪ She's all alone All alone
♪ All alone in her time of need... ♪
Is 15 too young to lose
your virginity, question mark.
You whore. Really?
Isn't that, well, illegal?
Who cares, Lou-Lou?
So you guys did it?
No way.
Way, way. I just thought he's fit.
He's not too annoying
and he's got condoms.
Oh, so he's a keeper?
Nah, but who wants to be the oldest
virgin in Welwyn Garden City?
♪ He's haunted by something
He cannot define
♪ Bowel-shaking earthquakes
Of doubt and remorse
♪ Assail him, impale him
With monster-truck force... ♪
Louis?
Zia.
Are you training for something?
No.
No, I just... I like to keep
a certain level of cardio fitness.
Zia?
Oh, I love your videos.
Oh, thank you.
Can I get a selfie with you?
Yeah.
I'll tag you.
OK.
You're popular.
Went viral once,
dancing in my bedroom.
I know, I saw.
I mean, it went viral, right?
Everyone saw.
I'll see you around.
Coolio.
♪ He's going the distance
♪ He's going for speed
♪ He's going the distance. ♪
"Coolio"?
HE GROANS
'I've found myself in so many weird
situations since my dad died.
'And this isn't even
the worst of them.'
How are you?
How am I?
Er... OK.
Good. Me, too.
You are?
Yeah.
Yeah, like good-good.
Not just,
"Good, but I actually wanna..."
HE IMITATES EXPLOSION
That's encouraging.
What do you think's changed?
Er...
♪ You got the funk
Gets me stupid, gets me drunk
♪ I'll do anything that you want
Anything that you want, want. ♪
PLEASURED GROANS
This and that.
Well, that's really good to hear.
Same time next week?
'Actually, that's really
cheered me up.
'Nice one, Horrocks!'
I'm 17 in four days,
which means this is my last chance
to make it happen before I'm
some sad old person who's never...
Mmm! Summer fruit cider?
Do you think she likes me?
I think she likes me.
Well, she went to your party,
you got off with her
and she doesn't run away screaming
when you talk to her, so...
Yeah, but that's not exactly it,
is it?
Well, what is it?
It. Doing it.
Oh, you were in town, Lou-Lou.
What, did you think she was gonna
go down on you outside Morrisons?
Hey, do I get anything?
It's all right for you guys,
but I'm still a, you know...?
What?
WHISPERS: Oh, a virgin?
Right, this needs to calm down.
Where's your phone?
It's in my pocket.
What you doing?
Sending Zia a message.
Saying what? Saying what?
There.
Oh, shit!
She wants to hang out.
Mate, you got this, yeah?
You can do it.
Cos there's no way you're still
gonna be a virgin when you're...
..22.
Yeah.
I can do it. I can do it.
When you've finished doing it,
that's £28.70.
JONNY GROANS
Oh, for fuck...
Right, if I'm hanging out
with Zia tomorrow,
I'm gonna go home, do some prep.
We did all that stuff at my school
in Year 11,
so I've just been copy and pasting
since the start of term.
How are they gonna know?
Police! You're under arrest.
Copy and pasting.
Right. Erm, let me know
if you wanna rent an essay.
Bye, Saj.
Anyone sitting here?
You are.
Hmm... Thanks.
Do you know Saj?
No. Seems cool.
Don't be fooled,
he's like a proper nerd.
Cheers.
Something's missing.
Is Louis not being here
freaking you out?
A bit. But this is OK.
Anything's better
than that nutcase girl.
She's not a nutcase.
She nearly bottled someone.
Yeah, but not really.
Mm... sounded pretty real to me.
Hey.
Speak of the devil.
Hi, Neve.
Hey, Mei.
I love your top.
Thanks.
Er, what about my top?
It's shit.
You're shit.
Right.
BANGING ON DOOR
Oh, Jesus!
I'm a bit busy right now.
Yeah, so am I,
and all I can hear is...
Well, we're nearly done.
For fuck's sake.
What, do you want me to lie?
The time for playing games
is over, Jonny.
Yeah, I can see that.
Do you want something,
or are you just on sex patrol?
Look, Mum's been asked to do more
shifts at the hospital, yeah?
And I'm gonna be away
over the weekend.
I'm not sure when I'll be home.
Jen's managing the bar,
but she can't lock up the back.
You know how to do it?
Yeah, me and Dad used to do it
all the time. Right.
OK.
And... she...
She needs to go...
DOOR SLAMS
I've transferred
your birthday money from Gran.
She said,
"Don't spend it all on partying."
I said, "Fat chance."
HE CHUCKLES
So, what are you gonna spend it on?
Driving lessons.
I want driving lessons.
OK. Are you sure?
Yeah.
Why?
You do get quite car sick.
I wanna get myself places.
Go out more, when I want.
Well, look, you don't need to pay
for lessons, I could teach you.
We can take the Jag,
although she's a bit lairy
round corners.
Your mum's old Mini. Nice and...
simple.
Morning.
You all right?
No Mei today?
She's in bed.
Oh.
Andrew messaged me.
Oh, he's such a...
He lives here, too.
He's like some sort of...
fun hoover.
Well, I think he's got a point.
Oh, come on.
Mei's here more than she's not.
And you do seem to have a lot of...
Hi, Ann.
Mei, I was just saying,
I think you're both still studying.
You need to make sure
you're getting enough time for that
and to look after yourselves a bit.
It's fine, really.
I should probably go home anyway.
It's fine.
I hate to get in the way.
Come here.
I should probably go home.
I promised I'd help out
with my sister.
OK, cool. Yeah.
We should go to yours this weekend.
Get away from incel man-boy
over there.
Yeah. I'll have to check with Mum.
She's finding things a bit hard
since Dad died.
Of course. Yeah.
It was so weird.
Got like 30,000 followers
and two million views
just from that one post.
Yeah, I saw. You were everywhere.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna
focus on the views next.
Seems to be what
gets the most engagement.
It is so cool that you wanna
get into tech.
Yeah, er, digital entrepreneurship's
where it's at now.
I mean, cryptocurrencies
are a bit...
Doge and, um...
But it sounds cool.
Is that what your meeting was about?
Yeah.
Yeah. Uh, yeah.
Was, er,
Leah into cryptocurrencies?
Your ex.
You were just talking about her.
Oh, no, no.
That's not why I chucked her,
though.
It's just we were growing apart.
She was really smart and,
erm, hot as well.
Not as hot as you, obviously.
Probably like, erm...
seven out of ten.
I... don't normally
do the whole out-of-ten thing.
That's not... I'm just trying
to, you know, make it more...
I'm talking way too much, aren't I?
SHE LAUGHS
Look, I should probably go.
Would you wanna come back to mine?
M-M-My dad's not in, so...
I can't.
Oh...
Don't worry. I shouldn't have asked.
Tomorrow.
I could come back tomorrow.
Yeah.
Yeah, great, tomorrow, yeah.
So it's on, yeah?
And you're gonna ace it.
Tonight is your night.
How am I supposed to know
how it all works?
Sex Ed was useless.
It was just STIs and diagrams.
Porn, Lou.
It's basically online learning
with orgasms.
I have watched porn, you know.
I just don't trust it.
The average male penis is 5.8 inches
and then on porn it's eight inches.
I've been reading about it.
Right, well, whatever gets you off.
Jonny, it's not funny.
I'm shitting it.
What happens if I fuck it up?
Seriously?
Porn. It's got everything.
If you can think it, someone's
doing it with someone else.
Someone's sat in the corner
filming it,
and a bunch of other people
are wanking themselves off
into next week about it.
Just figure out what works for you.
Watch and learn. That's what I do.
No bullshit,
I'm the CEO of sex right now.
Going all right with Mei, then,
is it?
MOBILE VIBRATES Uh, yeah.
Hey.
'Hey, you OK?'
Yeah, heading over now.
Great.
'Just one thing.'
Something you
haven't actually told me.
I don't know where you live.
I'll send you a pin.
'OK.'
'Hi! Sorry.
'Either I can't get to the phone
right now
'or I'm miles away from a signal.'
ANSWERPHONE BLEEPS
Hi, Mum. Uh...
I know you'll probably call
on my birthday.
I'm just phoning to say hi, really.
And to get your advice on...
..driving lessons.
And some other stuff.
But...
I guess we'll talk soon.
Erm...
..I love you, Mum.
Fuck's sake!
'What did you think of Saj?'
Why?
He asked me to ask
if you wanna meet up.
Erm, I'm not sure.
So, Louis, what we thinking?
What do you buy a walking panic
attack for their 17th birthday?
Well, you've known him and Jonny
for years, right?
Yeah, since he moved down
from the North... somewhere.
So, what's he into?
Right now?
Sex!
'It's normal to feel nervous.
'This is the start of a journey
and you're just getting to know her.
'Come on.
'Turn her on.'
ENGINE REVS
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Gently.
Right.
Now rev her up a bit.
ENGINE REVS
Find the biting point.
That's it, you feel her?
SHUDDERING
ENGINE CUTS OUT
Just stop calling the car "her".
It's a car.
All right.
Let's just pause a moment,
and then fifth time lucky.
Are you still out tonight?
Yeah. I won't be back
till the morning. Why?
I...
I might have someone over.
Jonny?
No.
No, it's not Jonny.
It's, erm...
A girl?
Yeah. A girl.
OK.
Can I offer you some advice?
Yeah.
Don't get her pregnant.
Let's go again. Start her up.
ENGINE STARTS
ENGINE CUTS OUT
I should have known
you wouldn't be able to do this.
Good luck tonight.
Jonny.
Hey.
Surprise.
We're not going in?
Something better.
Where are we going?
BLEEPING
Right, here we go.
That's Mr and Mrs Murphy.
Is that champagne?
It is, and it's on the house
because you're celebrating.
Yes. It's our anniversary.
A week.
One year.
One year, one week.
Well, erm, enjoy your stay.
THEY CHUCKLE
We've gotta stop doing that.
Nobody listening in.
Nobody telling us what to do.
You're crazy.
That's why you like me.
MUSIC: 'Uneasy'
by Metronomy x Spill Tab
♪ Pull me down
♪ Don't need to take no vows
♪ You're reaching farther now
♪ Than I have ever known
♪ Pull me down
♪ Don't need to take no vows... ♪
What the hell does that do?
Where does it even go?
I have no idea.
It's gotta be better than nothing.
Well, what happened to Lizzie?
We broke up.
Oh, shit. Sorry.
She wanted things to go
a lot faster than I did.
CHUCKLES Things?
Do you think Louis would like...
this?
Wow, so realistic.
Hm. I thought you would have
preferred Jonny.
Ha, no. Why do you say that?
VIBRATOR HUMS
No reason.
No. Not... No!
No!
If you say so.
Uh, so, Saj, what's he like?
PLEASURED MOANS
ON LAPTOP
MAN: 'You like that, don't you?'
WOMAN: 'Yeah, yes.'
DOORBELL RINGS,
LOUIS GASPS
PLEASURED GROANS
WOMAN: 'Yes! Yes!'
What are you thinking?
I was thinking about my dad.
He would love doing stuff like this
just for the hell of it.
I wish I had met him.
What about your dad?
You've never said much about him.
There's not really much to say.
He wasn't much of a dad.
He never really bothered with me.
I've got an idea.
Yeah?
You are locking up the pub tomorrow
and it's Louis' birthday.
What if we had a lock-in?
Keep it quiet.
No-one would ever find out,
would they?
Especially not your brother.
Invite a few mates
and a few people from college.
Just for the hell of it.
Fuck it.
Yeah, all right.
SHE LAUGHS
What?
Wanna know a secret?
Your brother's paying for this.
SIREN BLARES OUTSIDE
What?
I mean, his door was open.
How is he still living at home
when he's like 20 or whatever?
The money was just sitting there
in one of his OCD drawers.
You took Andrew's money?
That OK?
MOVIE THEME PLAYS
HE TURNS TV OFF
Good film, isn't it?
Have you, erm, seen the prequel?
Shit.
I'm... I'm sorry.
What?
It's OK.
You fucking like that, don't you?
What?
Do you like that?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you're so fucking hot.
You're such a slut.
What the fuck?!
I'm sorry.
What is wrong with you?
You're like some dumb kid
who's watched way too much porn.
This never happened. OK?
Oh, my God.
You're just a wanker.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
You said latte, right?
Uh, vanilla latte.
But I'll forgive you.
CHUCKLING: Thanks.
So, the boys' school?
It was all right.
If you like rugby
and boys gagging to meet girls.
Parents never thought
they'd pushed me enough.
Dad used to email my school
asking for extra work.
MOBILE VIBRATES
Till his laptop caught a virus.
Can't think how that got there (!)
Then they sent me to summer school.
It's actually how I got into coding.
Coding?
Coding's not just for nerds.
Mm...
All right, look.
First programme I wrote
hacked the school's website.
Turned the home page
into a one-stop shop for Viagra.
That was you?
Oh, we were well impressed.
MOBILE VIBRATES
Am I distracting you?
No.
Look, you've been on your phone
since the minute we met up.
Sorry.
I've gotta go.
I'll see you around.
SHE SIGHS
Thanks, Jen.
Cheers. See you later.
DOOR LOCKS
'I'm, sort of,
shit scared right now.
'But, you know,
if you had access to a pub
'and all the alcohol in it...
'..would you give up a chance
to host a lock-in?
'No.
'Me, neither.
'Dad would have loved it...'
'..I think.
'And they'll be gone by...
'..about one.'
MOBILE VIBRATES
NEVE SQUEALS EXCITEDLY
I've been saying do this for ages.
About time, dickhead.
Yeah, well, it was Mei's idea.
Hey. Thought we could do
something nice for Lou-Lou.
Nice.
Yeah?
Just hope he turns up now.
He won't wanna miss this.
Well...
Well, what?
How was the date?
It wasn't a date.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Right, what are we getting, huh?
What can I get youse?
Pint?
Pint.
Pint.
MOBILE VIBRATES
'Hi, guys.
'I just wanted to come on and do
a little live video for you all
'before I go out tonight.
'Just adding the finishing touches
to my make-up,
'just using a little bit
of glitter on my lids.'
I thought you'd be out.
And I kinda thought
you'd still have company
when I got back this morning.
No.
Oh.
Stalled that, too, did you?
But...
three, two, one.
Happy birthday!
MUSIC: 'Chokehold'
by Slaves
It's just... I wasn't feeling him.
Saj is nice, but...
What?
He's a bit of a nerd. You said that.
Yeah, or just clever.
He's, like,
one of the nicest guys I know.
I wouldn't have suggested it
if he was a dickhead.
Oh, he's nice. He's really nice.
Oh, my God!
What?
HIP-HOP MUSIC STARTS
ON JUKEBOX
Come on.
No. No, I'm not.
Come on.
Oh, I ain't doing it.
Just once, just once.
I'm not doing this.
I don't wanna do it.
All right. One time.
CHEERING
CHEERING
Yes? Yeah?
Shots.
This is the best night.
You're a legend.
NEVE CLEARS THROAT
You're having fun, right?
Yeah.
MAN CHEERS
DOOR OPENS
CHEERING
Do you know them?
Uh, no.
Maybe.
Oh, it'll be fine.
People are having fun, Neve.
Thought Lou-Lou was
our little stress princess.
Hey.
You do like him, don't you?
We're just mates.
Come on, Neve, it's obvious.
Me and Jonny are mates.
Old, old friends.
You and me, we've just met.
You don't know anything
about me, Regan.
I don't know why you think you can
tell me what is going on in my life.
Hey.
Hey.
Mm!
Lou-Lou, I've been messaging you
all day. How was it?
Yeah, yeah, it was good, yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
That's my boy!
Happy birthday!
What else did you get
for your birthday?
Just money, driving lessons,
PlayStation.
A WhatsApp message from my mum
saying she's in the Amazon
so she can't call
for ten days or something.
Mate, I haven't actually
got you anything, yet.
You are so useless.
No. Apart from this. Huh?
Hey, hey!
ROOM GOES QUIET
Now, the reason
we're all here tonight
apart from the fact that it's my bar
and I've asked you all to be here!
The other reason
is that my best mate... Oi!
One of my best mates, one of them,
is the birthday bastard boy.
Uh, Luigi.
CHEERING
I love this guy, man.
I love him. He's the best.
And not only is it his birthday,
but last night,
he lost his virginity.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hey, no.
CHEERING
AND APPLAUSE STOPS
No, I didn't.
I'm still a virgin.
And, er, probably always will be.
Lou...
DOOR CLOSES
Louis. Where you going?
It's your party.
It's not, though, is it?
I don't drink and it's in a pub.
I know about five people
in there, Jonny.
What happened with Zia?
Nothing. Nothing happened.
I watched all the porn, everything,
I completed it.
I still fucked it.
Why do I listen to you?
Mr Everything's So Simple.
It's not that easy for me.
Are you joking?
You go on like you've got
so much to worry about.
I mean, you're smart,
you're a bit of a specimen.
Your parents are loaded.
You've always been the kid
that has had everything.
Yeah. Yeah, that's me.
Do you know how many PlayStations
I've got, Jonny?
Four. I've got four PlayStations.
Gareth just keeps buying me them
and then forgetting.
Can't be bothered
to tell him any more.
So, I know my parents ain't dead,
but sometimes I wish...
Don't say that.
It's true.
They don't take me seriously.
Nobody does.
You're lucky you don't
have to say it.
Lucky?
Lou-Lou.
Don't call me that!
We've always called you Lou-Lou.
I know.
I've always hated it.
MUSIC: 'Yuk Foo'
by Wolf Alice
Who are all these people?
What's wrong with you?
You have to stop this,
it's Jonny's pub.
We both know
this isn't about the pub.
Jonny chose me.
♪ I don't wanna be cruel
But you're really grinding
♪ I'm not a fool
But I have a rage and it's blinding
♪ I feel it coming
Is it exciting?
♪ I feel it coming
Yeah, I'm unwinding
♪ You bore me
You bore me to death
♪ Well, deplore me
♪ No, I don't give a shit
You bore me
♪ You bore me to death
Well, deplore me
♪ No, I don't give a shit. ♪
Is this OK, Jon Jo? Are you OK?
Give me that.
CHEERING
MAN CHEERS
We've gotta stop. Get them out.
No, Jonny, we don't, just enjoy it.
What? No, they've gotta go.
Get 'em out.
Jonny, I thought you wanted this.
GLASS SHATTERS
CHEERING
GROANING
JONNY BREATHES HEAVILY
MOBILE VIBRATES
You were late last night.
Have a good one?
CAR ENGINE REVS
OK, easy on the clutch.
ENGINE ROARS
What did I say
about going from three to four?
Keep it smooth.
BRAKES SQUEAL
How's my emergency stop?
CAR HORN HONKS BEHIND
Where are you going?
Get back in the car.
CAR HORN HONKS BEHIND
Maybe if you spent
a few more weekends at home
instead of fucking off
with your mates
pretending you weren't middle-aged.
And maybe if you spent some more
time being a dad and a husband
instead of some wannabe
Top Gear twat,
then Mum might have
gave you a second chance.
Maybe if Mum put as much energy
into being a mum
as she does into setting up
non-patriarchal eco communities
in developing countries...
I'm sorry.
I'm not a kid any more.
I know you're not.
CAR HORN HONKS
Look...
I know how hard this is,
this part of your life.
I've been there, remember?
I didn't want to be
treated like a kid.
I-I wanted people
to take me seriously.
Didn't help that I was
a bit of a late developer.
I was always the last of my mates
to do everything.
Even?
Yeah.
And then when I did...
..the relief.
You know, I thought,
"Finally, I can relax
and just get on with being 16."
QUIETLY: Fuck's sake.
I'll clean up the pub.
I'll pay back the money that I took.
What money?
I took some from your drawer.
Oh, my God...
I will... I will pay it back.
How, Jonny?
What with? You're lucky
it was Andrew that caught you.
The noise was so loud
when I pulled up,
can't have been long
till someone called the police.
They know us,
they used to come to Dad's lock-ins.
Yeah, well, your dad's not here.
If Mum loses the licence,
you know what else we lose?
Our home.
Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen.
It will if you don't grow up.
I don't fucking wanna grow up!
I've already had to.
I shouldn't have to know
what this is like!
Why the fuck should I have
to tell people my dad's dead?
Why shouldn't I fill this pub
like Dad did?
Because it won't bring him back.
Come here.
We won't always feel like this.
I can't remember
not feeling like this.
I'm sorry.
I will make it up to you. I will.
Just tell me what you want me to do.
Anything.
I want you to stop seeing Mei.
Whatever you want.
MOBILE VIBRATES
Hi.
Morning, losers.
Ah! Dick.
HE GROANS
All right. Here we go. Freddie?
Yep.
Alice?
Yes.
Hannah?
Yep.
Neve?
Neve?
Er, what?
Are you here?
I think Neve's absent today.
LAUGHTER
Robin?
Yes, Lorna.
Lisa?
Zia.
I didn't know
he was gonna say all that stuff.
Jonny, I mean.
You shouldn't have told him
we had sex in the first place.
I didn't.
Not really.
But then I didn't tell him
he was wrong, so it's just as bad.
I just thought
I wasn't good enough for you.
You get so much attention
from guys, like here and on Insta.
I liked you, Louis,
because you don't look, or sound,
or act like other boys.
You're different.
Not just some clone.
That's what I liked.
Then you turned into a dick.
Really sorry.
You don't have to pretend, Louis.
You are you.
People like you because of that.
Some girl is gonna love it.
You.
Don't think she's your type.
I can't fucking stand her.
What does Jonny see in her?
I'm sorry.
You were right about Jonny and me.
So, what you gonna do?
Nothing.
Neve, if you want him, go get him.
Look, I'd like to be taken
a bit more seriously from now on.
And I'd like a bit more respect
from both of you. OK?
Yeah.
OK.
And I'm sorry
about the virginity speech.
Look, the whole thing
about parents and dying,
I, erm...
BOTH: Ooh!
All right. See you later.
Have you seen Mei?
What is going on with you two?
Mum don't want me
to see her any more.
Like you've ever done anything
your mum wants you to.
Yeah, cos I don't know what to do.
Cos I've never
felt like this before, Neve.
If you want her...
..go and get her.
Don't know what I'd do without you.
Piss off.
MUSIC: 'There's So Many People
That Want To Be Loved' by Sorry
♪ There's so many people
That want to be loved
♪ But you won't lay a finger
On another one
♪ There's a conversation
That I'd like to discuss
♪ But you don't wanna open
Your goddamn mouth
♪ I've been working things out
I've been slaving away... ♪
HE SIGHS
♪ I've been saying things like
"I kept my temper at bay"
♪ And saving up for
♪ Someone that really wants
To be loved
♪ But you're the only pair of hands
That I'm thinking of... ♪
SHE SNIFFS
♪ There's so many people
That want to be loved
♪ See them walking round
In odd socks... ♪
BUZZER
♪ Looking about as lonely
As astronauts
♪ I see them in the graveyard
Walking their dogs... ♪
The door isn't unlocking properly.
Is Mei here?
No, I don't know where she is.
Probably with her dad.
♪ Standing like lamp posts
Waiting for their train
♪ To see them even when
I think I'll never see them again
♪ There's so many people
That it drives me insane
♪ There's so many people
That just wanna be loved
♪ There's so many people
That just wanna be loved. ♪