Ted Lasso (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - We'll Never Have Paris - full transcript

Jamie Tartt collects.

He's been Richmond's unequivocal
talisman today.

He finds Rojas and it's there!

Richmond have beaten
Aston Villa three-nil,

- with an offensive display...
- Oh!

As dazzling as it is unfamiliar.

AFC Richmond make it
two decisive wins in a row.

Southampton never knew what hit them.

Bumbercatch with a 95th-minute winner
over Tottenham.

The dog track has gone absolutely potty!

Another sensational win
for Richmond away at Everton.



That's four in a row. Amazing.
Life is good for the Greyhounds.

It's a lucky streak.
What goes up always comes down.

Exciting times on Nelson Road,

and you have to think that no one
is happier than Coach Ted Lasso.

I'm glad this little trip
worked out for y'all.

Yeah. Henry's really excited
to spend the weekend with you.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know...

I'll take face-to-face time
over FaceTime anytime.

Yeah. A-And you know, I wanna say,
it's been nice to, uh...

get to remeet you, Dr. Jacob.

Ted, please.
I insist, just call me Jake.

You got it, Jake.

Oh, nope. Still feels weird to me,
you know?

Like whenever I hear white
folks call Jay-Z "Jigga man," you know?



Or like when you see
a priest wearing shorts.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Weird, you know?

Or when you get pulled over
by a cop who's the same age as you.

You're like, "Come on, man, be cool.

What we doing here?" You know?

Can I get some more money
for the pinball, please?

- Yeah, let's see...
- Yeah.

You... You go.

- You go ahead.
- Okay.

I don't know what I have. Uh, let's see.

There are some magnets I gotta bring back
to work and a matchbook. Uh...

Oh, maybe I do. Let me just see.
I got... No.

A pocketful of American coins

and a complimentary sleep mask that
did not fit 'cause I have a huge head.

Ah.

Come on, Prince Henry. I rigged
the machine so you can play without coins.

You said that was impossible.

Oh.

Here you go.
Two English breakfasts. Enjoy.

- Thank you.
- Mmm.

Nothing's impossible.

Um, I should wash my hands
'cause I touched dirty money.

Uh, I'm a hand-wash guy, Ted.

Yeah.

He's a hand-wash guy.

- Well, better safe than sorry.
- Yeah. Right?

- Are you sure you're not hungry?
- No, no. I'm good.

I had a big old piece of cereal at home.

- Um, yeah.
- Okay.

Uh, besides,
you know, English breakfast to me

is just a pile of a bunch
of little, tiny piles, you know?

But please, help yourself.

You're gonna need your strength,
hiking around that English countryside.

Oh, yeah. Um, about that.

Yeah?

Jake told me on the plane
he's actually taking me to Paris.

It was a surprise.

Oh, Paris.

Great, yeah. Uh, w-which one?

You know, Paris, Texas? Paris, Arkansas?
Paris, Ohio? Or the other Paris in Ohio?

Actually,
I think there's three Parises in Ohio.

Or do you say "Parese"? Par... Um...

"Paris" Paris. You know, in France.

Oh. The default Paris.

Right.

Cool, cool.
Well, that's gonna be, uh, real, um...

I wish I knew
the French word for "nice."

Très bien.

Très bien.

You know, I think hooking up with you
might just be my favorite thing ever.

Yeah?

Yeah. Well...
second favorite.

Mmm. Go on then.

Mmm.

Sorry.

There goes my boner.

Oh.
My dad told my Uncle Bernie I'm in town,

and he's invited me to his big, swanky
polo event tomorrow. Would you wanna go?

Oh.

Uh, the one time I've been on a horse
was for a photo shoot years ago.

Horse was so drugged up that it could've
been the guitarist in the Sex Pistols.

No, uh, we don't play.

We just stand around and drink champagne.

- Oh, right. Of course, yeah.
- It's for charity.

You know, c-celebrities,
red carpet, big trays of tiny food.

It's a whole thing. We should go.

Be fun to show off my girlfriend.

Sounds great. And it gives me
an excuse to go to Harvey Nicks!

Okay, I'll tell Uncle Bernie.
He's gonna love you.

I didn't know your dad had a brother.

No, uh, sorry.
"Uncle" Bernie is a family friend.

- Bernard Arnault. He runs...
- Moët and Louis Vuitton!

- Does he need another fake niece?
- You can ask him yourself tomorrow.

That's very cool.

More importantly...

- where were we?
- Champagne.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

- Harvey Nicks.
- Mm-hmm.

- Fake uncles.
- Mm-hmm.

Drugged horses.

Oh, fuck.

- Hey. Morning.
- Morning.

That was nice.

You staying over, I mean. Not the, um...

Well, that... Obviously, that was nice
as well. I don't...

- Your breath smells good.
- Thank you.

Did you go off and brush your teeth
and then sneak back into bed?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

Does my breath smell awful?

Yeah, it does, ac...

Yeah, it is quite bad.

Um, so, look, would you want to go
and grab some breakfast?

I don't know
if you've got plans or... or what.

No, breakfast sounds good.

Uh, you know, I don't have, um,

any meals planned with anybody else
in the foreseeable future.

I don't know. Do... Do you?

No, I don't.

So if, um...
If someone were to, uh... to ask about us,

wh-what terminology would you
best recommend describes our relationship?

No, there's no pressure to label us,

um... you
and I. I just... Yeah.

- All right.
- Yeah.

Yeah, no, 'cause... 'cause I'm just cool.

Just cool and casual. I just...

Me too. Wait. Did you shave?

Yeah. Yeah, and showered. After I used
the toilet in next door's flat.

Weird.

Wow.

Hi, baby. I know you're all the way up
there in chilly Newcastle,

so here's a little something
to warm you up.

Nope. You're right.
I shouldn't watch it.

Shit. How did that get on the Internet?
A private video that...

Apparently, there's been some
massive leak. It's not just you.

It's actresses, singers,
a couple politicians,

some random reality show guy
with a very big dick.

Oh, my God. I can't believe
this is happening. I...

How did that... Fuck! Fuck.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

No, this is bad, because my friends
are gonna see this. My family.

- The team.
- Take a breath.

Oh, my God, and the office.
I'm their boss.

Keeley, stop. Take a breath.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry this is happening.

It's gonna be okay.
I'm gonna take care of it, okay?

Thank you.

Okay, Henry. We have scored excellently
on kit presentation.

Insane.

But we did drop a little
on the towel folding, didn't we?

But that's okay. I've been there.
But that does lead us on to our next task,

which is towel placement.

The question is, are you ready?

Yeah.

Are you steady?

Yeah.

In that case, go, go, go!

Is this a game or child labor?

In late-stage capitalism,
what's the difference?

- Word.
- You're doing really, really well, Henry.

Then we'll go into the weight room and do
some cleaning next. That'll be great.

- Hey, fellas, let me ask you something.
- Hmm?

If you could propose to someone,
you know, a-anywhere in the world,

w-where... where would you do it?

Paris.

The Hall of Mirrors
at Linderhof Palace in Germany,

because if she agreed,
I'd be surrounded by a thousand yeses.

Or Paris. Why?

Dr. Jacob is gonna propose to Michelle.

- Yeah.
- Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry.

- Do you wanna talk about it?
- Yes, I do.

Diamond Dogs, mount up!

Never fucking mind.

Uh, what... what's going on?
What... What... What's the Diamond Dogs?

It's a living fucking nightmare!

The Diamond Dogs are a group of men
committed to supporting each other

by sharing their most intimate thoughts,
feelings and experiences. You in or out?

O-Oh, I'm in.

Goddamn it!

Roy chose "out."

Yeah, I assumed.

Sorry, just...

- I... I just came as fast as I could.
- Take your time.

- Hey, we appreciate your expediency.
- Oh, I got a bit light-headed.

Oh, balance. Okay. I am okay.

New member.

Coach, you have the floor.

Dr. Jacob and Michelle
are getting engaged.

Ooh. It's a hard moment
when an ex moves on.

- Mm-hmm.
- Did he at least ask your permission?

Well, I'm her ex-husband,
not her current father.

So, no, he... No.

- Oh.
- How did you find out?

He took her to Paris.

Can you believe that?

That's it?

- Unbelievable.
- What?

Uh, Ted, I ran down the stairs for this
and up some other stairs.

I'm gonna have leg cramps
in my sleep tonight.

Okay, now, hold on a second, okay?
This is happening, all right?

My man took Michelle to Paris
on a surprise trip.

Why else would he do that?

C-Can I just talk whenever?

Well, he's right, Ted.

You can't worry about something
that hasn't happened yet.

Ooh, what he said. If anything,
you should find out before you flip out.

Mm-hmm.
"Find out before you flip out," huh?

Yeah, okay. No, no, that... Yeah,
you're right. You're right.

Of course. Thank you.
Yeah. Hey.

Um, all right. Anybody else got something?

Roy,
you got anything you wanna talk about?

- Fuck you.
- Mm-hmm. Okay.

All right. Well, Diamond Dogs,
disperse then.

Woof!

- Am I in trouble?
- No, no, nothing like that. No. Promise.

- I'm sorry I'm late.
- Oh, no, that's okay.

Uh, no, thank you for coming.
Um, just take a seat. Thank you.

Just waiting on one more.

There you go.

Are we in trouble?

No. Nobody's in trouble. Uh, just, um...

Well, you know, I just don't wanna say it
until everyone's here, so...

I'll call. It's fine. I'll just call.

- Hello, Coach Shelley.
- Oh, hello, uh, Ms. Kakes.

Um, I just wondered if, uh...

If Rupert was on his way to my office
for our special meeting.

No, he's not coming to that.

I mean, he said that he would,
so... I mean, is he busy?

No.

It's fine. It's fine. Don't worry.
Um, I guess it's just us then.

Uh, for the very first meeting of the...
Drumroll, please.

Love Hounds.

I thought that we... we men could, uh,

get together whenever we needed,
every now and then,

and just talk and help each other out

with how things
are going on in our personal lives.

Okay.

Well, I'd love to talk about the stresses
of taking care of my aging parents.

Yeah, I'll start.

Um, so I... I've started seeing this girl,
and it's going real well.

I really like her. She's great.

Um, but she's hesitant
to label our relationship,

and I don't know whether to give her space

or whether to let her know just how
strongly I feel about us being together.

Disco, would you, uh...
Do you got any thoughts or...

I've been divorced three times.

Never let them know how you feel.
It's very expensive.

Okay.

I re... I read this book that said,

"If you like a woman,
you should insult her."

Okay, this meeting's over,
and it'll probably never happen again.

Thank you for coming. Thank you both.

- Are we in trouble now?
- No, Roger. Just go. No. Thank you.

It's all right.

Hey, Boss.

Morning, Ted.

- Here you go.
- Morning. Thank you.

Um...
I could use your help.

Oh, of course. Anything. Wait.
Shouldn't you be at training?

Oh, yeah, but... don't worry.
I've got that all covered.

Go, go, go, go!

Right. Okay, then. Well, how can I help?

- I need to hire a private investigator.
- Why?

'Cause Dr. Jacob took Michelle
to Paris, the French one,

and I'm pretty sure he's gonna propose.

Now I gotta find out if I'm right
so I don't flip out when I am.

Ted, people visit Paris
for all kinds of reasons.

- Yeah, like getting engaged.
- No. They go to eat the amazing food...

- After getting engaged.
- No.

Or they go to see Oscar Wilde's grave.

- Before they get engaged.
- No.

Or they visit the Louvre
to make fun of all the people

taking blurry pictures
of an overrated painting.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Where'd you and Rupert get engaged?

That doesn't matter.

Aha! See, that's what I'm talking about.

Right now,
Dr. Romance is probably getting ready

to pop the question
on top of the Eiffel Tower,

the most romantic
frigging place in the world.

Oh, please. The Eiffel Tower
is just a lamppost with a publicist.

Rebecca, come on. I just need to know
what's going on with them.

Please help me.

Okay, Ted. I'll make the call.

- Okay. Thank you.
- Okay.

I didn't know Oscar Wilde was dead.

Some of his quotes feel so modern,
so of our time.

I know. Powerful.

Hmm. Okay. Okay.

Come in.

Is now a good time, Ms. Jones?

Yes, of course. Yeah.

Hmm. Mmm.
Uh, I'm sorry about what happened.

Thank you, Barbara.

Um, Jack asked me to give you this.

Ooh, what is it?

It's... It's a statement.

Oh.

"Allow me to first offer
my sincere apologies.

I deeply regret that video
that some of you have seen online.

I'm beyond embarrassed, and I should have
never made this video in the first place."

"I hope you can forgive me
while I learn and grow." Um.

Um... Jack thought
you could post it across your socials.

But maybe not Facebook,
'cause that's just for, um,

grandparents and racists now, isn't it?

Aw. Hey, hey, Jamie? Jamie?
Can I get some Lynx?

Yeah, sure, mate. What's your pit flavor?
I've got Epic Fresh, Sport Recharge, Java,

Africa, Ice Chill, Gold, Excite, Black,
Dark Temptation and Leather and Cookies.

- Leather and Cookies, please.
- Smart choice for a smart boy.

- There you go.
- Lovely stuff.

'Ey. Have you smelled this?

Yo! Yo, y'all see this? A bunch of famous
chicks got their nude photos leaked.

Ooh.

Oh, wow.

Ugh. Hey, The Sun is calling
it "The Great A-wank-ening."

What is the opposite of clever?

The Sun.

Well, I guess I know
what I'm doing this weekend.

Oi, fuck that.

- We shouldn't be looking at that shit.
- Why not?

Because it wasn't meant for us,
Jan Maas. It was their private property.

Nah, bro. If you don't want
your private pictures out there,

- just don't take naked pictures.
- Yeah.

Especially being famous.

What? Come on, man.

- It's that simple.
- Fuck that, Cowburn. No, man.

The only people to blame are the dickheads
who steal your shit and put it online.

That's why I delete all the photos
on my phone.

I swear down.
Especially 'cause I'm famous.

Hey, listen. I'm with Jamie on this one.

Whenever I have a relationship end,

I ask the girl to go through my phone,

delete any photos, videos.
Whatever she wants.

- Bro, for real?
- Yeah. I'm being serious.

Uh, you know,
one girl actually deleted Candy Crush.

I was devastated, but I also understood.

Hey, hold on. Once someone sends you
a photo, don't you own it?

Hmm, copyright law on private photography
is quite murky.

It's not about the law. It's about doing
what is right. Like in Les Misérables.

Jean Valjean.

Fuck yeah, 24601.

No, no, no, no.
'Ey, 'ey. Deleting photos makes no sense.

Uh, what? Do we delete our memories too?

No, 'cause no one can steal your memories.

That's not entirely true.

- Yes.
- Nah.

What if I took the photo?

- You should delete it.
- What if it was a Christmas card?

Delete it, bro.

- What if it's artsy?
- What the fuck does that mean?

It's in black-and-white.
You can't see anything.

Delete it, mate.

What if I'm in the photo?

- Delete it.
- Oh, I know. What about sonograms?

- Delete that shit.
- What if I'm French?

- Delete it.
- What if she's naked, but not sexual?

- What the fuck? What is she doing in it?
- She's just defecating.

- Delete it, bro.
- Ooh. Ooh, oh.

- What about a commissioned painting?
- Is it in a nice frame?

It's leaning against my couch.

Gotta burn it, bro.

No, no, no. I shouldn't have to delete my
photos just because they might get stolen.

It's my stuff. Don't touch it.

I'm with that. I'm with that.
That makes sense.

Whoa. Hey, guys, guys.

This article says Keeley
was one of the women who was hacked.

Right. Everybody, take out your phones.

Delete every single picture and video
that you've ever been sent. Now!

We're all targets for this shit.
So delete everything.

But we're professional footballers.
It could take days.

If not weeks.

Now!

Hey, man, take out your phone.

Colin. I wasn't playing.
I told you to delete that shit.

I will, man. Fuck off.

- I said delete it right now.
- Hey! Hey.

Fuck off.

This whole thing is so fucking upsetting.
I tried to watch the video this morning,

and immediately, boom,
I was right back to being 15 again,

reliving that moment
where this topless photo I took

for Jimmy Daniels
was being passed around at school.

Ugh. Teenage boys can be awful.

Mr. Daniels was my teacher.

Oh. Well, men who act like teenage boys
actually are awful.

I'm not an idiot.

I know there are tons of topless photos
of me online. But those were my choice.

Absolutely. It makes a huge difference.

Yeah.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Restructure society so women
aren't constantly sexualized

while simultaneously being crucified
for being sexual?

On it.

- Should I be ashamed or embarrassed?
- What?

- I don't know.
- Oh.

How did Jack respond?

Yeah, she was really lovely.

And then, um, I got this from her.

Oh, she didn't write this.

- You don't think so?
- No, it's caked in lawyer ick.

You don't wanna say that, do you?

No.

Then tell her that.
Give her a chance to surprise you.

- Thank you.
- Hmm.

You know, there might be
a silver lining in all this.

Just think of how many young women you are
going to teach how to masturbate properly.

- What?
- I'm serious.

Back in the day,
I didn't have a clue what I was doing.

And then one day I accidentally bumped
into my parents' couch

and it felt nice, so I stuck with it.

A year later, my mum
had to have everything reupholstered.

I blamed the dog.

- Well, that was smart.
- Yeah, we didn't have a dog.

Oh, I love you.

I've got you.

Also, French sisters.

Spanish twins.

Mom and daughter in Mexico.

Ah. I'll miss you all. Merci.

- Hi. Thank you, love. Bye.
- Hi. Yeah.

Oi, Keeley.

Hi.

Hey. Um...

I heard about what happened.
It's fucking shit.

Yeah, on so many levels.

I'm so sorry.

Thanks, Roy.

You okay?

All things considered, yeah. Yeah.

Good. Good.

And you?

Oh, me, yeah, I'm... I'm good.

Who was it for?

What?

The video. Who was it for?

- Shit, I'm... I'm sorry, Keeley.
- I'm really sorry.

It's okay.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Babe?

In here.

Hey.

How you doing?

Better. Worse. Everything.

I got your statement.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I called my dad
for advice, and his lawyers got involved.

It's corporate fuckery at its finest.

Yet, you had Barbara give it to me.

Well, I tried to pick the most sensitive,
empathetic person I knew.

Jack, I can't do it.

I get it.

I'm just so sorry
you have to deal with all of this shit.

I'm sorry that you have to too.

How about, for the next few hours,
we pretend none of this shit happened?

Should we invite Barbara over?
Mess it all up?

Yeah, let's definitely do that.

I'll bet she's a party animal.

You actually have no idea.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

"Asim was right, Marcus thought.

They were failing, and worse than that,
they were wasting time.

They were gonna wait another day
before meeting?

That would only leave two days,
and one of them was Saturday,

when they wouldn't be at Breakfast Club.

What if he never got his football
back from the creature? What if...

A large hand landed on Marcus's shoulder,

and he spun around
to find Mr. Anderson looking down at him.

'I heard you went under the fence, '
he said."

Oh, boy.

We're gonna stop there for the night.
Cliff-hanger.

Hey, how was your flight out?

Good.

Yeah?

Do you know I have the most
air miles of any kid in my school?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, that don't surprise me.

Things at school good though?
You and Doug back on track and all that?

- Yeah.
- Mmm.

We're starting a band.

Starting a band? Really?

All right.
What instrument are you gonna play?

Drums.

Okay. Well, your mom's gonna love that.

You know what?
Now might be a good time to let you know

that Dave Grohl
learned to play drums on pillows.

We don't have to tell your mom that
though right away.

Yeah, exactly.

Not as fun.

Mmm.

Getting all your homework done?

I have to, or I can't watch TV.

Of course. You know how it goes.

- Homework. Dinner. TV time.
- Homework. Dinner. TV time.

That's right.

Mmm. Good system.

Does, um...

Does Dr. Jacob ever, you know,
hang out around TV time with you?

Who is that?

Uh, no. Uh, sorry. Jake.
Uh, Mom's friend, Jake.

- Sometimes.
- Sometimes, yeah.

Yeah. That's all right.

Does he ever...

read to you, like, at night?
Like, bedtime?

It's totally fine.

Nothing wrong with that,
I think that's great.

It's good to have people in your life that
are excited to be around you, you know?

Especially if, you know...

it's someone who makes your mom happy
and all that.

Which he seems to do.

You guys get along all right?

Oh.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Come on, man.

Good morning.

- Holy shit.
- Mm-hmm.

I didn't wanna wake you, so I went out
and did some cheeky retail therapy.

I loved it so much,
I didn't want to take it off.

- What do you think?
- You look incredible.

I mean, nothing but the best
for our dear Uncle Bernie, right?

Shit.

Babe, I canceled that.

I just... After the whole thing,

I thought you wouldn't want
to be around a bunch of press and cameras.

I'm sorry. I should've asked.

- I thought I was doing the right thing.
- No. Don't apologize.

You're right. Thank you.
I didn't think about that.

But you know what?

Leave it on, and I'll put on
my own killer fucking outfit,

and we can go do something stupid
and fun and look amazing while doing it.

Yeah, okay.

No, actually, take it off.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, keep the hat on, but...
- Jesus.

Everything else is
definitely coming off.

Okay, bud.

Coach and I got the whole day off.

We're talking no game,
no scouting, no nothing.

The world is our oyster.

- Ugh.
- Ugh.

Okay. Well, how about
the world is our shrimp cocktail?

- Hmm.
- Okay, great.

All right, Coach. What are our options?

There is a immersive
Jack the Ripper walking tour...

- Mm-hmm.
- That Jane's been raving about.

It's, like, six hours long,
and at one point, you get chased.

- Mm-mmm.
- Mmm.

What are you nuts? I mean, he's a boy.

Fine, there's the London Eye.
There's the Tower of London.

There's all the London stuff.

Oh, there's a rave in Peckham.

Okay, Coach, I appreciate it.

Hey, big guy, what do you wanna do, huh?
We could, uh, go to some museums.

We could rent a boat,
float down the Thames.

They spell it weird, but it is lovely.

I wanna go see a football game.

Okay.

Let me see if I got this straight.

My one day off from football,
you wanna go watch football?

It's a little bit like asking a mailman
to go for a walk on his day off,

- don't you think?
- Hmm.

Yeah, you don't care. You're just a little
boy, ambivalent as all heck. Okay.

Coach,
we got, uh, any games in town today?

There's one.

Well, there you go.

But I'm gonna have to stop at home first.

Mm-hmm.

Look. There he is, there.

Hey, Nate!

Nate!

Nate!

Coach, look who came to watch.

Nate!

Must be looking for tips.

- He saw me, Dad. He saw me.
- Yeah, he did. He heard you too.

Holy shit.

Well, what can I say?
I'm the daughter of a billionaire.

I learned to read a green
before I learned to read a book.

Well, you might be a great golfer,
but I happen to be a really great cheater.

So I think that makes us even.

Watch out!

Oh, my goodness, it's a tie.

- Uh-huh?
- Yes, look.

Isn't this, uh, way better than watching
polo with a bunch of old white men?

Definitely.

And I reckon the dinosaurs here
are much less handsy.

Hmm. Oh, yeah, the dinosaurs are.

But, um, I can't say the same
for some other people.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Jack?

Sorry. Excuse me.

Oh, my...

- Hi.
- Look at you. Nice suit.

Aw, what are you doing here?

My sister's hen do.

- She's marrying a golfer.
- A professional?

Oh, no. He just golfs.

- Ah.
- We have to do a shot every hole,

but the good news is her friends suck.

Hello.

Oh, this is Alyssa.
We went to uni together.

- Oh.
- And this is my friend, Keeley Jones.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Keeley runs a PR firm.

You or your family ever need anyone,

- this is who you want.
- Mm-hmm.

That's me.

Cool.

Alyssa! Come on!

- Coming, Sis!
- Hurry up!

Come on.

Fucking families.

Anyway...
it was nice to see you, Jack.

- Yeah, you too.
- Love the hat.

Oh. Thanks. Yeah.

All right... let's make things
a little more interesting, shall we?

Ten pounds a hole,
but I will spot you 20 strokes.

- You're on.
- But no cheating.

Then only a pound a hole.

Great match, Coach.

- Hello, my darlings.
- Hey, Mae.

- What have you three been up to today?
- We went to the West Ham game.

Then you don't drink in this pub.

- Hey, come on, Mae.
- He's a child.

- Hey!
- Mae! Mae!

Thank you.

You think I wanted to fucking be there?

You two are on probation.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Fair enough.

Bye, Mae.

- Dad.
- Yeah?

- Listen.
- What?

The Beatles.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you know what? I'll be right back.

Hey, Boss, what do you got for me?

Right. Ted, listen, I want you to know,
you do not have to go down this road.

I know, but I need to, okay?

'Cause right now,
Michelle and this Dr. Jacob fella

could be sitting there, having dinner
at one of her favorite Parisian hotels,

like the George Sank...

- Cinq.
- Or the Plaza Anthony.

Athénée. Hold on.

Her favorite hotels in Paris?
I thought you said she'd never been there.

Yeah, she hasn't. But the George Stank...

- Cinq.
- Is from her favorite movie, French Kiss,

- and the Plaza Anthony...
- Athénée.

That's from her favorite TV show,

- Sex in the City.
- Sex and the City.

Wait, what's all that noise?
Where are you?

Sounds like someone's singing.

Wh... Uh, no, I'm sorry.
I'm at a pub with Beard and Henry.

Why? Is it too loud?
I can step away further if that helps.

No, no, no. No, it's fine.

Um, where were we?

You think I'm nuts.

Thanks, Michael.

So, you like The Beatles, huh?

Why is that?

'Cause my dad does.

You know what this song's about?

Someone named Jude.

Not just someone. A little boy named Jude.

And one day his mom and dad decided
to break up. Hmm, you know, get divorced.

And that made Jude real, real sad.

Now, Jude's dad had a best friend,

and that best friend was real worried
about Jude and all his sad feelings.

So he wrote him this song,

hoping that, well, the words might
help him somewhere down the road.

The long and winding road?

Hey, Henry.

You have a great mom and dad,
and they love you tons,

even though it's weird
they live in different countries.

And I know right now
it feels like you're in a sad song.

But you, young man,

you have the power to take a sad song
and make it better.

Oh, I like that.

Yeah, me too.

But you know what the best thing
about this song is?

What?

This!

Enjoy yourself, laddie!
Come on! Fucking sing it!

You know, Ted,
I'm so curious about something.

Why didn't you ever
take Michelle to Paris yourself?

Well, I wanted to. I mean, you know,
we were too broke to go on our honeymoon.

And then, well, we both got busy.

And then we had Henry, and I just...
I always thought we'd have more time.

Ted, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

But seriously, who gives a flying fuck
if Michelle gets engaged?

Whoa.

That time in your relationship with her
has passed,

but your time with Henry hasn't.

You need to stop letting yesterday
get in the way of today, Ted.

Well, I don't think
he's singing "Yesterday."

Ted.

No, I know. I'm just joking.

- And you're right.
- Of course, I'm right. I'm always right.

Now, for the love of God,
will you get back to that pub

and sing "Hey Jude" with your boy?

Mercy buckets, Boss.

De rien, Coach Lasso.

Ow!

Thank you.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

No, I agree. It's much better.

Thank you, George.

Okay, so, good news.

We've got a much more toned-down
version of the statement.

The last one was so shit.

Oh, great.

I was once broken up with
by a guy's doorman.

I'm sorry, Ms. Hobbes,
Jonathan won't be coming down. Ever.

Hey.

I know it's lame.
But it will help, believe me.

Before, when you said
that you were gonna take care of this,

I thought that meant you were
gonna get the video taken down

- or something like that.
- We tried. It's the fucking Internet.

Making this statement
is taking care of it now.

By having me make an apology?

Yes.

Please just do it.

Sorry, but it's... not
a great look when the person I'm seeing,

whose company I fund, has a porno online.

A porno?

You know what I mean. We're just...
We're limiting the damage. Okay?

Jack, I'm not doing it.

This video being leaked is not my fault.
But for some reason, you think it is.

Well, maybe, I don't know...
Maybe you shouldn't have made the video

- in the first place.
- Uh...

It's certainly not something
to be proud of, Keeley.

I don't regret making that video.

And I don't regret sending it.

Um, are there more out there?

I don't know.

- What are you doing?
- I think I should go.

Are you coming back?

I don't know.

Right.

Do you want to go out and celebrate?

Celebrate what?

- Didn't you win today?
- Oh, yeah. But...

No. Uh... That's okay though.

Already working on the next one, so...

You should enjoy your victories.

It looks like they did.

There it is.

What?

I love your smile.

I like to see my boyfriend happy.

Boyfriend.

Hmm. Yeah.

If you're into labels.

Yeah.
No, I'm into labels. Sure.

- Yeah? Ah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- "This is Jade. She's my girlfriend."
- Yeah?

Sounds good, doesn't it?

"Nate. That's my boyfriend."

- Nate's your boyfriend?
- Yeah. Have you met him? He's amazing.

Thank you very much.

Jamie.

- Hey.
- Hi.

So, I'm sorry just to drop in on you.
I just...

- Um, I was nervous to text you. I...
- Yeah.

I mean, like,
you and everyone in my family.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, I just... I wanted to check in
on you. See how you're doing.

It's just... so fucking shit,
all of this.

Thanks, Jamie.

Yeah, uh, doing all right.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

That's good.

And I also... I just...
I wanted to apologize.

- No, you don't have to do that.
- No, I do. Oh, no, I do.

- I do.
- Jamie, this is not your fault.

No, it... it is my fault. And let...
Let me just... I just need to tell you.

I deleted it off my phone
way back when we broke up.

I deleted everything.

- I mean, not straightaway, 'cause...
- I did think that you and me

was maybe gonna get back together again.

But then you started going out with Roy,
and that's when I deleted most of it.

Well, like, half.

But that was mostly out of anger,
to be honest.

Because, well... I think...

I thought the only reason that the two of
you was going out was to make me jealous.

But...

Uh...

Then I saw it was real, and then...
Then I... then I got rid of it all.

I just forgot about the fucking emails.

It's so stupid.
I should have been more careful.

I should have picked
a stronger password or something.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me your password
was "password," Jamie.

Yeah.

Well, to be fair, I did think I'd fool 'em
'cause I spelled it with two S's.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Keeley.

Really am.

Hmm.

Thank you, Jamie.

Excuse me, do you mind
taking a photo of me at the box?

- Oh, yeah.
- Thanks.

- All right.
- No. No, no, no.

- It's like that. Yeah.
- Oh. All right.

- It's all right.
- Take a good one.

All right. Smile. There we go.

All right, big guy. Time to roll.
Let's do it.

- Bonjour!
- In here!

Hi, kiddo.

Mom!

I missed you.
Did you have fun with your dad?

Yeah. He's gonna buy me a drum kit.

Oh, is he really?

W...

Oh, you know what? I love you, buddy.

I love you too, Dad.

All right, go on. Get outta here.

I don't know where he gets these ideas.

- Uh, hey, uh, don't forget this thing.
- Oh.

Uh...

What are you doing?

You, uh... Sorry,
I was... I was screwing around.

Okay.

How was Paris?

Oh, it was all right.

Hmm. Yeah. Well, that's what
it's known for. City of all rights.

Come on, Mom!

It was good seeing you.

Good seeing you too.

You know, Dave Grohl learned
to play drums on pillows.

I'm coming!

Ah, there he is. Huh?

Hmm.