Ted Lasso (2020–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Beard After Hours - full transcript

I don't wanna ride back with you
guys. Rather go shake this off.

Yeah, sure. No, of course.

Hey. Hey, hey. Just... Be
careful out there, all right?

Yeah? Okay. And don't forget,

tomorrow it's your turn for coffee
at the game film, all right?

- Yeah.
- Bright and early.

Hey, Coach. Bird by bird.

Not that kind of bird.

Blue moon You saw
me standing alone

Without a dream in my heart

Without a love of my own



Mind the gap.

This is the southbound
metropolitan line train to Aldgate.

Doors closing. Stand clear
of the doors, please.

It was moment after
moment like this.

A real David versus
Goliath match,

but where Goliath just curb-stomped
David in the back of the skull

like in that Ed Norton movie.

Moonrise Kingdom?

I think that's it, yeah.

Yeah. Well, for me, the match
was a real Cinderella story.

If her glass slipper broke and
sliced her Achilles tendon.

Thierry, was this just an
off day for the players?

Or do we lay the blame
on the coaching staff?

100% coaching staff.



Those are good footballers.

It just felt like
Richmond had no plan.

- And what about Coach Beard?
- What about him, indeed.

Coach Beard knew an aggressive
offensive strategy was a mistake.

He should not have let Ted, Nathan
and Roy convince him otherwise.

Great point, Thierry. Coach
Beard is Ted Lasso's number two.

He's supposed to challenge him,
not just be a sniveling lackey.

Look, Gary, the man
has no va-va-voom.

Does anything say "sad, single man"
more than a chessboard coffee table?

I know I'm French and expected
to say things like this,

but I hate Coach Beard.

Shut up, Thierry Henry.

After Richard Montlaur
earned himself a red card,

things went from bad to worse.

Ted joining you?

No.

- Jane coming?
- We broke up.

Shocking.

She accused me of
being jealous. Me.

Because I told her it's
hard to know where I stand,

which it is, because she
never says "I love you."

- Did you say it to her?
- I did.

- And she didn't say it back.
- She did not.

Thank you for helping
me relive that.

Well, you must feel awful.

Reason is powerless in
the expression of love.

Nuh-uh. I meant about the match.

What the hell was your
thinking behind those tactics?

- Mae.
- All right. Enjoy your beer.

But come on.

There's no way you thought coming
out on the attack was a good idea.

You basically left Zoreaux back
there to defend by himself.

In a semifinal…

A semifinal!

Oi, Beard. Dropped your keys.

Thanks.

- Rough match, mate.
- We thought you needed a hug.

- I thought you needed a hug.
- Do you wanna talk about it?

We can talk and drink

as long as we talk about
anything but the game and drink.

- Have you ever been to Vegas?
- What's Ted like behind closed doors?

How do you cope knowing
the universe is infinite

but your consciousness
can end in a second?

I've been to Vegas many times.

One night is good, two nights
is perfect, three is too many.

Ted is a man. Just a man.

And as for the fragility of life,
I'm so glad someone finally asked.

Because, yeah, I
got a few thoughts.

And so, in conclusion,

if this is all
indeed a simulation,

which everything in my
experience suggests that it is,

then all we can do is tip our caps
to the rascal pulling the strings.

That's it, people.

Just like my legs after a date
with a guy who kept correcting me,

we're closed.

You went on a date with Richard?

I think you'll find,
Mae, it was two dates.

Out.

Coffee was a date.

Where to next?

Bed. This is England,
mate. Pubs shut at 11:30.

Well, I'm not ready for the
night to end. Any ideas?

What about Bones & Honey?

As if.

Private club, very swanky,
impossible to get in.

Yeah, I heard they
once turned away Cher.

Would you believe
They did such a thing?

Well…

Why don't we just head over
there and see what happens?

I think there's a dress code.

Mae, I love you!

Taxi!

- Welcome back, darling.
- Thank you.

Good evening.

Do we know each other?

I don't think we do, sir. May
I see your membership card?

University of Barcelona,
class of 2004?

I went to Warwick, 2007.

Sorry, you looked older.

Are you a member here?

Here? No. God, no. Never.

Well, if you're not a member,
I'm afraid you can't come in.

This is Bones & Honey.

You are very rude.

What is your name?

My name is Sarah Coombes.
What is your name?

None of my business.

Bones & Honey, may I help you?

Do you mind?

Speak.

Hello, this is the fire brigade.

It's very important that
we get in touch with...

- Sarah Coombes.
- Sarah Coombes.

That's you.

Well, I'm very sorry, madam,
but your flat is on fire.

You need to come down
here immediately.

- Now what?
- Act cool.

Orion's Belt!

Amazing.

We're walking. We're walking.

You did it.

You did what Cher couldn't do.

I actually feel bad
for Sarah Coombes.

Nah. Think how excited she'll be

when she realizes that her
place didn't actually burn down.

Tomorrow will be the most beautiful
day of Sarah Coombes's life.

Her apartment will look
more amazing to her

than any place any of
us have ever lived.

Here we go.

Okay, gentlemen, plan of attack.

What's wrong?

I don't think we belong here.

Knock that shit off.

We belong.

If you could be anywhere,
where would you wanna be?

Here, right?

Then act like it.

Now who wants an
overpriced beer?

Who wants an overpriced
beer that I'm paying for?

Find us a spot.

And feel free to strut.

What can I get you, sir?

- Four beers, please.
- Would you like them in glass, sir?

No.

Relax, fella. It's just angles.

Maybe if you'd paid attention
in trig, you'd do better.

Shall we have a friendly
wager on this shot?

Say, 20 quid?

Hold on.

What's trig?

Trigonometry.

Maths. Yeah?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Sorry, but where
did you guys study?

There you are, lads. Ha.
Thought I'd lost you.

Then where would I
be? Sad and alone.

Evening, gents.

I see you've met my protégés.

I'm Professor Declan
Patrick Aloysius MacManus.

At your service. I assure
you, the pleasure is mine.

But, I must tell you, these lads here were
the best of the best at Oxford itself.

And now, we're just having a
wee liquid reunion, aren't we?

- Oxford?
- Yeah, what were you professor of?

Economics and management,
till I retired.

At Oxford.

That is correct.

We were at Oxford.

Christ Church.

Which college were you?

Christ Church?

Our main rivals.

I'm a Merton man, myself.

Merton.

Where'd you live?

Right across from the chapel.

Nothing like waking up every morning to
the sound of the Dobson Organ at 8:15,

am I right?

You Merton motherfucker.

How are you, sir?
When did you leave?

2015. The year we beat
Cambridge in the boat race

by six and a half
lengths, lest we forget.

I was on that crew.
I was the cox.

Yes, you were, you bastard.

Harry Gill is here!
Harry Gill, in this pub!

Hey!

Marvelous. Marvelous.

Professor McGonagall
taught us a lot.

But the main thing he taught
us was the value of money.

£20. You're on.

I got it. I got it.

I've got five.

Save one for a kebab.

Eccentric geniuses.

Right.

17, 18, 19, 20.

How's that for trigonometry?

We got there.

Yes!

- Fair play!
- Good on you.

Next round is on us.

Anything you like.

- Three big boots of ale?
- This guy.

Oi. How'd you know all
that stuff about Oxford?

I dated a professor at Oxford.
And I listen more than I talk.

I'll be right back.

Oi.

What a legend you are!

Hard to forget a game like that.

You know what will help? Going
to see the woman you love.

Exactly. But it's clear to me

that Coach Beard doesn't
think he's worthy of Jane.

I know.

Beard's self-esteem is so low, he
will need a pep talk to kill himself,

and I would like to
give that pep talk.

Shut up, Thierry Henry.

Goddamn fucking shit!

Is there a problem here?

Yeah. This nail on your faux
Persian flea market coffee table

just tore my pants.

Sir, can I see your
membership card, please?

My friends are in there.

Goddamn it.

I'm sure you know that
your trousers are ripped.

They're designed that way.

To make it easier for
people to kiss my ass.

Be careful. We have
decency laws in England.

You'll get arrested.

I wasn't aware the laws
were so restrictive here.

Oh, yeah. We're a
repressed nation.

One exposed arse can bring
down the monarchy itself.

How dare you speak of
Prince Andrew that way.

I could fix those for you.

I live over there.

In that pointy building?

No.

Take your trousers off.

You're not in charge of me.

I'll give you something
to wear in the meantime.

People come and go from my life.

I've always kept a
pair of their trousers.

This rack is like my memoirs.

These should fit.

Whose were these?

An old lover.

Where's he now?

Dead.

You dropped your keys.

You ever look back on a relationship
and regret it had ended?

Been doing it all day.

I've loved every man in my life,

but I don't think I regret a single
one of those relationships ending.

In all my happiest
memories, I'm single.

That troubles me.

Have you ever been in love?

I mean, there's someone
in my life now who…

maybe it's chemicals or
maybe it's pheromones, but…

I wanna be with
her all the time.

Is that love, or do I
just have a problem?

Why can't it be both?

Could you get that?

It says, "Do not answer."

It's a joke.

Oi, babe, I'm here,
but I forgot my keys.

Who the fuck are you?

I'm Beard.

He's just a trouserless
man I met at Bones & Honey.

What the fuck?

Oi, shithead!

I'm gonna punch your
fucking teeth out your face

and feed 'em to your
arsehole like they're candy.

Oh, shit.

- You could've warned me.
- Don't mind him.

He's just a little jealous.

Open the fucking door.
You're a dead man.

Run.

Where the fuck is he?

Nowhere to go.

Oi!

Still got it!

Oi, he hasn't tapped in.

We're not going anywhere
until you tap in.

Of course, of course,
of course. My pleasure.

Excuse me, madam.

Piss off, you fucking scrounger.

Good evening, sir.

Are you staying with us tonight?

No. No, I am not.

Well. Have a good evening.

Could I please use the phone?

The hotel phones are just
for guests, I'm afraid, sir.

Okay then.

- Could I please use your phone?
- My personal phone?

Yes, I lost my phone and my wallet,
and I'm just trying to get back home.

And what would you be using
my personal phone for, sir?

Booking a cab.

Nope. I'm not falling for that.

I'm not trying to trick you.

Exactly what a
trickster would say.

I would just go through
my own account, you know.

That's how it starts, isn't
it? First you book a cab.

Next thing I know, you've
geolinked my phone to your network

and all of a sudden, you and fake Melania
have downloaded all my bank details

and you're using my
identity to shift

more poppy seeds to
your own private island.

No. Not tonight.

I've been in this
game too long now.

- What game?
- You won't touch my phone.

Within seconds, you'll have
my mother's maiden name,

all my cryptocurrencies.

Not that I have any.

Next thing I know, my hard drive
is being confiscated by MI5

for illegal images that you've
tricked me into downloading.

Oh, no. You'll not
make a fool of me.

Not you. Not a dead ringer
for Dame Judi Dench.

Not anyone. Shame on
you, sir! Good night.

Hello.

Hey, I'm sorry to
bother you guys.

Just trying to get home
and I lost my phone.

You guys are about
to save my life.

Ah, shit.

Well, look who it isn't.

Good to see you
again, Mr. Tartt.

Sorry about before. Why don't I let
you get back to what you were doing...

It's okay. There's no rush.

I tell you what, lads.

Why don't we teach Coach
here, in his magic trousers…

exactly what
football's all about.

Because it doesn't
happen on the pitch.

No.

It happens on the street.

You get me?

Or…

Get him!

Come on!

Well, it looks like Beard's
done for, doesn't it?

Gary, part of me thinks Beard really
wanted to get beat up tonight.

Absolutely, Thierry.

Clearly he'd rather
punish himself

than accept the love and support
of the people around him.

I'm beginning to think
Coach Beard hates himself.

Shut up, Thierry Henry.

Yeah!

Huh, mate?

- Punch him again.
- Prick!

You're nothing!

Gotcha!

Stay down!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

- I told you to stay...
- Fellas!

How about we call this a draw?

You had to push it, didn't ya?

Say good night, son.

Ah, man. Come on.

Nothing happened. She was
just gonna fix my pants.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no.

You left these at our flat.

Been trying to find ya.

Well, that's nice.

No, I'm sorry I lost my temper.

Mary explained what happened.

The truth is we're
having a baby.

And it's made me realize
how precious she is to me,

and the thought that she was
cheating on me was just too much.

Uh-huh.

But I also realize that

maybe I'm more paranoid than
most when it comes to that.

'Cause I used to
cheat in the past.

But I've really worked on it.

- I'm in a really good place now.
- That's great.

Yeah, cheers.

Anyway, I just wanted to
give you your stuff back.

Mary says she's keeping
your trousers though.

It's kind of her thing.

She said you can keep those.

- Thank you.
- Well, they look good on you.

I know.

Sorry about the shit game today.

And I'm not even a Richmond fan, but,
mamma mia, that was tough to watch.

I think you dropped those.

All right.

You be lucky, yeah?

I'm trying.

Oh, no. No, no. No,
no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I love you too. I love you too!

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no! No! No! No!

Oi, samurai!

We got a limo We got a limo

- Get in! Come on!
- Look, we got a limo!

They were really
nice guys in the end.

And so bad at pool.

We told them who we really were,

and they still invited us to
their country estate for Easter.

I don't know what
I'm gonna wear.

We made so much money off them,
we treated ourself to a limo!

- Where to, sir?
- Anywhere you want.

This night will never end.

Home, please.

Thanks for a wicked night.

You're gonna go to this address

and you're gonna tell Renee
that Beard said it was okay.

Thanks, guys.

Just one Cornetto

Give it to me

Delicious ice cream

Of Italy

No.

No.

No!

Are you there, God?

It's me, Margaret's little boy.

Longtime listener, first-time caller.
And I know you're probably busy,

'cause you got bigger fish
to multiply and then fry.

As you do. But
there's this girl.

There's this woman, Jane.

Last name Payne. P-A-Y-N-E.

But you probably know that, but
if you wanted to look her up.

And I care for her, deeply.

I could've been with her
tonight, but I ended up with you.

And I am under no illusions that
she could solve what ails me.

But when I'm with her,
the world just feels…

more interesting.

What is this place?

Here. 2-3-7.

- Well, knock then.
- Why don't you knock?

Just knock.

What?

Are you Renee?

Who's asking?

Coach Beard sent us.

Turn 'em on.

Walk this way.

Go on.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, my God.

It's beautiful.

Is that heaven?

No. That's Nelson Road.

Wave to the crowd!
Wave to the crowd!

Yeah!

Fuck yes!

Try this on.

- They do food here?
- For me, yeah.

- Where the fuck is he?
- If Beard's not coming, I'll get coffees.

Wait. Now, hold on a
second. He'll be here.

Beard's like the
mailman, you know?

He always delivers and
he looks great in shorts.

Morning, fellas.

- What'd I tell you?
- Here you go.

Flat white. Coffee,
black. Peppermint latte.

Cheers.

Thank you, Coach.

You…

Everything all right, you know?

Yeah. Just slept too late.
Must've fell off the bed.

Oh, right. Yeah,
no. That's a thing.

Okay, who's ready to
watch yesterday's match?

- No. No.
- I've actually watched it plenty.

- Don't think we should. We don't need to.
- Hey, now, look. I know, I know, I know.

- But this is how we get better, all right?
- Fine.

'Cause sometimes, every once in a blue
moon, there is a game so awful, so…

Dog shit?

Haunting?

A catastrophe of
epic proportions.

That the only way to watch it
back is at ten times the speed

and with the Benny Hill theme
music playing under it. Here we go.

Fucking hell.

Fucking hell.

Okay.