Ted Lasso (2020–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Lavender - full transcript

The audience at home has voted.

Danthony, Jamie. One of
you will go home tonight.

The other will continue
his lustful journey.

Better call your nan, mate.
Tell her to put the kettle on.

Jamie.

The lust stops here.

I'm sorry.

Whoo-hoo! Yes!

What?

- Thank you. Oy, thank you!
- Wow.

- It's bull♪♪♪♪.
- Thank you!



That is an absolute shocker.

Unlucky, really.

Yeah, but we are lucky to have with
us, here in the studio, loser, Jamie.

Easy, Phillip. I'm not just
a loser, I'm the loser.

Well, Jamie, look, first things first,
will you keep your promise to Amy?

- Are you gonna wait for her?
- Nah, no.

I was just playing a game,
do you know what I mean?

Find the fittest girl there,

have sex with her in the toilet,
ask her to marry ya. Strategy.

Well, speaking of strategy, you
decided to leave your club, Man City,

right at the start of
their season. So why?

Just something I had to do,
do you know what I mean?

The second that I found out
that George Harrison had died,

I realized that I had to stop
waiting for life to begin.



Start taking chances.
Living life to the fullest.

But George Harrison
died 20 years ago.

Yeah, but I only just found out.

So what's next for Jamie Tartt?

Don't know. Back to Man City.
If Pep will have me, that is.

It's funny you mention that
'cause we've got a clip.

You might find this
quite interesting.

Any thoughts on Jamie Tartt and
his future with Manchester City?

Yes, Jamie.

You know, my wife and I thought he
and Amy were meant for each other.

But no, he won't be
coming back to Man City.

We wish him luck.

Well, thanks for stopping by,
Jamie. Good to see you, as always.

When we come back, have
scientists really discovered

low-fat custard that
doesn't make you sad?

Sounds too good to be true.

Hey! Jamie! Jamie!

Yeah, yeah. Of course, yeah.

- Thank you so much…
- Yeah. All right, yeah.

- How's it going, yeah?
- You all right, bro?

- Yeah.
- Sorry you got sacked, man.

It's how the crisp crumbles.

Thanks, man. Thanks, bruv. There.
Nah, you good, man. Yeah, yeah.

Hello, mate. How you doing?

- What's your name?
- Stanley.

Stanley. And you
like football, yeah?

- Thank you, Jamie.
- All right. No worries, man. Yeah.

All right, see ya
later. Nice to meet ya.

I actually think I'm gonna
walk, mate. Yeah? Nice one.

Hold on. You slept
here last night?

Why?

Jane and I got in a fight last night,
and she threw my keys in the river.

Hey, you two are like Frank
Sinatra and Ava Gardner, you know?

Or Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow. Or
Frank and... Actually, you know what?

I'm starting to realize that Ol'
Blue Eyes might've skewed mercurial.

- Hey, what time is it?
- 9:20.

Right. I'll be back.

No, no, no. Smell this.

A Parisian bedroom.

Will, a word.

- Yeah, come in.
- You all right?

No, I'm not all right.

Did you put lavender-scented
fabric softener in the laundry?

Yes. Yes, I did.

My girlfriend loves lavender.
She finds it very calming.

Don't make changes that could
throw off a player's headspace.

Sorry, Coach.

Go. Get out.

We don't want calm athletes.
We want killer athletes.

Even after they shower?

Did you sleep here?

"Perchance to dream here."

Thanks for the ride, babe.
Do you wanna pop in? Say hi?

- No.
- Okay.

What you got planned today?

Nothing till the match later.

I'm going to get the girls to
run a 4-4-2 diamond formation

'cause that little Kokoruda girl
is a fucking beast in defense.

Then I was going to cook
you cordon bleu for dinner.

Nigella says if you butterfly
the chicken, it'll be more moist.

I don't know what
does it for me more,

you mentioning Nigella or
using the word "moist."

Yeah!

- Yeah, all right. This is good.
- What is Ted doing?

He's probably homesick. Closest
thing he can find to a Dodge Ram.

- Good luck with the match, yeah?
- I appreciate you.

Morning, Ted!

Hi, Keeley! Uh-oh, is that
big, bad Roy Kent in there?

Sorry. He's in a big rush.

That's okay. Hey, you know,
"mime is money," right?

- That looked like fun.
- Oh, yeah. No, that's a blast.

And it's good for my sciatica too. The
vibrations really help out my butt.

- Wow.
- Hey, look who's here.

Hey.

That's a cool bike.

That's not a bike,
that's a transformer.

Yeah, she really is more than
meets the eye, ain't she.

Hey, Doc …tor Sharon!

Good morning.

What's she doing back here, I
wonder? Don't we have direct deposit?

I thought Higgins hired her for
the rest of the season, didn't he?

Hey, Higgins. Did you hire Dr. Sharon
without running it by me first?

Yes. I thought it couldn't hurt.

But I should've asked you first,
Ted. You're absolutely right.

No, I'm dead wrong.

I mean, heck, you're Director
of Football Operations.

You gotta be able to
make your own decisions.

Still, you should've
texted me first.

- That's 100% true.
- No, 1,000% false!

I mean, you're a busy man!

Whatever path you think
is best is gonna be best!

Still, next time you have plans, I
want you to run 'em by me first. Okay?

- No, I will not.
- Good! Why should you? I ain't your daddy.

Okay, great. We got ourselves
a new member of the team.

That's fine. I ain't got no...

Why's it smell like my
nana's house in here?

Oh, Ted.

- Wait until you hear this shit.
- Do tell, Ricky Bell.

No one wants you.

What you mean no one wants
me? I'm Jamie fucking Tartt.

You're too much of a liability.

You act like an asshole
and disappear on Man City.

Then you act like an asshole
and cheat on Amy with Denise

by having Jacuzzi sex.

No one wants you.

What about a team
in Spain or Germany?

Hello, Real Madrid? Do
you want Jamie Tartt?

No. Okay, thank you. See?

You weren't even
speaking Spanish.

Maybe it's time for you to
focus on your television career.

This is Tracey, your
new talent agent.

You have an amazing offer for
a new reality show in Ibiza.

How do you feel about taking ecstasy
every night for three straight weeks?

You gotta help me, man.

Jamie, you know you're
like a son to me.

Now you're like a dead son,
which means I love you even more.

There's nothing I can do.

Ted Lasso Welcome
Wagon has arrived.

Please don't barge in here like
that. I could have been in a session.

Oh, right. Of course, I'm sorry.

- Can I help you with something?
- Well, yeah. No, I...

I brought you a little somethin'
somethin' for your first day at work.

- No, thank you.
- Come on, now.

Just try a little bite, huh?

There you go.

That's very thoughtful, Coach
Lasso. But I don't eat sugar.

Really? Wow. I've never met
someone who doesn't eat sugar.

Only heard about 'em,

and they all live in this godless
place called Santa Monica.

Trust me, it's in
everyone's best interest.

In a past life, I would
inhale a Cadbury's Flake,

talk nonsense for an
hour until I passed out.

- I'm the same way with video games.
- How so?

You know, it's just something
in my life that I really enjoy.

But then I pretend that
preventing myself from having 'em

is somehow making
my life better.

But in reality,

all I'm doing is depriving myself
of something that makes me happy,

instead of attempting to
adjust my relationship to it.

Hey, what's your favorite book?

This is interesting.

What is? That my answer's
The Fountainhead?

I know, curveball,
right? I can explain...

No, what you're doing here.

This is obviously your way of
connecting with new people.

Makes sense. It's
very disarming.

If it's okay with you, Coach Lasso,
I'd like to observe training today.

See how everything's
functioning.

Yeah, no, of course.

Yeah, you got a backstage
pass. Full access.

Thank you.

Okay.

Oh, hey, you know what I...

And I will let you know what
the people from Dubai Air say.

All right, you got
any questions for me?

Is it tacky to say I'm rich
on an online dating profile?

Only if you put the word
"filthy" in front of it.

Sorry, sorry.

Higgins, it's very kind that
you gave your office to Sharon.

Yes, it's very club-first
mentality, Leslie,

but you really should have an
office, preferably your own.

No, you're absolutely right.

It's just very hard to kick an
employee out of their workplace home.

It's only temporary.

What about… Caroline
in ad sales?

No, she's going
through a breakup.

Plus, she's right next
door to Laughing Liam.

Lovely man, but…

Hey, Higgins. Who's
your new friend here?

Oh, hi, Robert. My
name's Ted. Yep.

Hey, my name's Jimmy.

Jimmy Paper?

Page! I goofed that. I'm sorry,
that was a great one. Dang it.

Hey, boss.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

What's this?

I tried to give your
biscuits to Dr. Sharon.

- You did what?
- Evidently she doesn't eat sugar.

- What a fucking asshole.
- Yeah.

You ever been to a
therapist, Rebecca?

What for? I can diagnose
myself in a heartbeat.

I thought being invulnerable
would protect me,

so I pushed people away for years,
leading me directly to my greatest fear:

Being alone. Big whoop.

Big whoop, yeah. I don't get it.

Why pay someone to do what a
friend should do for you for free?

Exactly. I mean, that's why
you have friends, isn't it?

To burden them with your
issues and anxieties, right?

Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Speaking of, you got anything
you wanna get off your chest?

No. You?

No.

- See, there you have it.
- Exactly. Yeah, okay.

See you later, boss.

- There you go, Keeley.
- Thanks, Alex.

Jamie?

I'm not stalking ya.

I've been following you
for a few blocks now,

and I couldn't text you
'cause I deleted your number.

So, I was in town, and
I wanted to talk to you

'cause I left Man City to do
this reality TV show thing,

and I got kicked off of both. So
now I don't know what I'm doing,

but I just wanted to talk to
someone about it 'cause...

And whenever I think of
talking, I think of you…

So I've been following you
for the last few blocks.

No, I'm lying.

I've been following you
for your whole lunch hour.

But I've just been trying to
build up the courage to say hi.

So… hi.

Is that okay?

You deleted my number?

Yeah.

You all played a hell of a game.

But you lost.

I want you to
remember this feeling.

Burn this moment
into your brains.

Good.

Is it time for
trophies, Uncle Roy?

Yeah, yeah.

Emily's mom bought everyone
consolation trophies.

Must be nice to just burn cash.

"Best dressed"? That's stupid.
You're all wearing the same thing.

You.

Right, you know what?

Just get amongst it. Enjoy your
trophies for winning nothing.

Coach Kent.

Look, when I was young, you
got shouted at for losing.

Same. But then, tough
love never bothered me.

As long as I knew the
coach gave a shit.

Oy! It has been an honor
coaching all of you.

I do hope you'll come
back and play next year.

But only if you fucking mean it.

Well, we lost.

Would have been closer, but
one of the goals got disallowed

because apparently nine-year-olds
aren't allowed to do headers yet.

Fucking brain development.

Keeley?

- What you doing there?
- Nothing.

Why'd you throw your phone?

I thought that you were an intruder,
and I didn't want you to steal it.

So you threw it over there?

Yeah.

Were you having a wank?

Show me.

No, that's okay.

Babe, come on. Don't be embarrassed.
Whatever it is, it's fine.

I like watching couples
have sex in the woods.

You do? Why?

'Cause I could
never be that free.

Come on, let me see.

I should know what
gets you going.

I am announcing…

My retirement…

From...

The fuck?

This is your kink?

Me being pathetic?

You're not being pathetic. You're
being passionate and vulnerable.

God, it's fucking hot, and you haven't
been like that since you left football.

At my age with a fucked knee, I
don't get to be a football player.

- That's how it works.
- Then why not just try the pundit gig?

Oh, my God.

I know it's fucking stupid.

But you'd be back
around the game again.

You miss it, Roy. I know you do.

You're just like Jamie.

I didn't think this conversation
could get any worse.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I saw him today.

He wants to come back
and play for Richmond.

He's so lost, Roy.
Just like you.

But at least he's tryin'
to find his way back.

See? Pathetic.

No, it's not pathetic.

It's brave.

Oy, I get it.

Can't get hurt if you don't try.

But if you don't try,

then I'm just gonna have to sit here
wanking to videos of you crying.

Fine. I will try it once.

But when it sucks and I hate it,

I'm gonna hire a bunch of children
to follow you around and scream,

"Told you so, told
you so" for centuries.

I look forward to the attention.

What'd you tell the
prince prick of all pricks

about going back to Richmond?

I told him he was talking
to the wrong person.

I named him Ted.

After Ted Danson.

All-time great.

You know, from Cheers to Curb to
The Good Place. What a career.

I mean, he's basically the male
version of Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Who's like the female
version of Dave Grohl.

Yeah. All three of them got
that Midas touch, don't they?

Nice to see ya, Jamie.

Take a seat.

How ya been?

Awesome.

- Yeah?
- The best.

Pretty good.

Okay, a little depressed. Yeah.

It's all shit, Ted.

That's a real roller
coaster there.

Glad I was tall enough
to join you on that ride.

Anything I can help you with?

So I was talking to Keeley,

and I was just wondering,
like, what the chances were

of me coming back to
play for you at Richmond?

I don't know, Jamie, you burned
a lot of bridges over there.

Look, Coach, I need Richmond.

And Richmond needs you.

- Thank you, Mae.
- Cheers.

Actually, Mae, would
you be a darling

and ask those lads at the end of the
bar to stop staring at me, please?

Oy, you three, fuck off.

- Oh, yeah, course, Mae.
- Sorry!

Fucking off now.

Old people are so wise.

They're like tall Yodas.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Jamie, let me ask you something.
Why'd you do that reality show?

You know, you were getting
good minutes up at City.

I don't know, just thought it'd
be fun. Help boost me brand.

Did it to piss off me dad.

He was just on me
after every match.

How I played, how many minutes I played,
how I sat on the bench when I didn't play.

Just drove me fucking mad.

He can be a bit…

Yeah.

You know, I've noticed that
sometimes having a tough dad

is exactly what drives certain fellas
to become great at what they do.

You know, I hear Bono's father
was a real piece of work.

But then again, so was
Joshua Tree, so you know…

What about you?

Was your old man like that?

No.

No, my father was a lot harder on
himself than he ever was on me.

You're lucky.

So what do you say then, Coach?

Jamie, you're an amazing player.

But I don't think
it's a good idea.

Yeah.

Right, now get one where it looks
like they're sitting in my hand.

That's some bullshit.

- Bloody hell.
- Wait, that was last night?

What are you all fussing over?

Looks like Jamie's
coming back to Richmond.

It looks like they're
sitting on his hand.

Get fucking stuck in!

Just throw it here!

Somebody order training
extra spicy today?

Yeah, it's got that Nando's
peri-peri sauce on it, huh?

What the fuck was that?

What the fuck you waiting for?

How come every time I look back there
it's like she's getting closer and closer?

- Thank you, Will.
- That's all right.

Optical illusion induced by
your mistrust of her profession?

Metaphor, huh?

Bingo, Ringo.

Is there... Is there
pineapple in this?

Jesus Christ.

I'm with Ted. We've been overrun
by incompetent outsiders.

I don't think I
said that, did I?

- Not to me. It was him.
- Yeah.

Come on now. She's
definitely getting closer.

- Yes!
- Yeah, do it!

Now, look at that. Hey, Nate.

- Hit me two times, will ya?
- Yeah.

Hey, Sam! Hold up! Hey!

Look, baby, when you make that pass,
you gotta put some grass under it.

Make Dani chase it down

like it's a loose toddler
in a busy parking lot.

You think you can do better?
Come here and do it then.

Oy! Easy, bruv.

No, no, no. That's
okay. Sam's right.

There ain't nothing going
on out here on this field

that I can do better
than any of y'all.

Unless you break into a game of
"finish that Jimmy Buffett lyric."

Then I'll be changing your latitudes
and attitudes left, right and center.

You... Hey, Sam.

- I'm just tryin' to help the team here.
- Bullshit.

Okay.

I'm gonna see what that's
all about here real quick.

He's not normally like
this, you know, so…

I guess Sam doesn't
like Jimmy Buffett.

Who's Jimmy Buffett?

Really?

Hey. Sam! Slow down. Hey, you got
something you wanna talk about?

No.

Really? It seems like you
got something on your mind.

Something like, "I'm angry
about a mysterious thing

so I'm gonna do
some cussing now."

I mean, I am angry.

And I did cuss, and every
time I do, I regret it.

'Cause people say cuss words

when they don't know the right
ones to use to express themselves.

Except Bernie Mac.

He uses them like van Gogh uses
yellow. You know, effectively.

- Come on, talk to me.
- I can't believe you're bringing Jamie

- back to the team.
- What?

I saw the picture of
you and him on Twitter.

Oh, Sam, there's a bunch
of crazy stuff on Twitter.

Heck, someone made an
account for my mustache.

How many locker room punch-ups have
we had since Jamie's been gone?

- None.
- None.

Have we won yet?
No, but we will.

I believe that. Don't you?

Just because Jamie can score goals
doesn't mean he deserves to be here.

No teammate has ever made me feel
as bad about myself as Jamie did.

- Sam, I understand your anger towards him.
- It's not him.

I'm mad at you.

You didn't even
talk to us about it.

Honestly, Sam, I didn't think
there was anything to talk about.

I told Jamie it
wasn't gonna happen.

- Now I feel awkward.
- I bet.

Did everybody see me
when I stomped off...

No, no one saw that. Yeah, man!
Everyone saw that. Come on.

Of course they did.

Coach, I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Sam, all right?

You are a leader on this team.
I want you to speak your mind.

Thank you.

You know, my father says
every time he sees you on TV,

he's very happy that I am here.

That I'm in safe hands with you.

Well, that means a lot.

I appreciate that.

You know I still gotta make
you run a bunch of laps, right?

- I was hoping you would.
- Okay. Get going.

- Thank you.
- Yes.

- Very well handled, Ted.
- Gee…

Thank you, Higgins.

What are you doing?

Sorry. What do you usually
do with your lashes?

I leave them the fuck alone.

'Scuse me.

- Hey.
- Hi.

I wanted to see
how it was going.

Jamie Carragher sent me flowers.

We fucking despised each
other when we played,

now he's sending me flowers.

How the fuck does he know
I love white orchids?

Babe, it's only natural
to be a bit nervous.

I'm not nervous. There's
nothing scary about this.

There's no defense in TV.

Well, what is it then?

It's just... What if...

What if everyone
thinks I'm shit?

Since when do you care
what people think?

You're Roy fucking Kent.

Ready for Mr. Kent.

I gotta go. Thank you.

Kill 'em. Roy-o!

- Glad to have you on the show, Roy.
- Whatever.

Same old Roy Kent.

Hey, Roy, try not to
get too emotional, yeah?

And we're on in five seconds.

Four, three, two.

What a match! Manchester
United beat Chelsea 1-nil

in a result that drops Chelsea
out of the European places

and lands United in
the top three, for now.

Chris, was this a case

where United won the match
or that Chelsea lost it?

United just had that extra
sharpness in the final third,

but I thought both teams
played really well.

- George?
- A real even battle.

You know, it's
football at its finest.

Roy Kent, ex-Chelsea
legend joins us.

Welcome, Roy.

Right, what did you think?

Did your former club play well?

No. I thought they
played like shit.

Our apologies to the
viewing audience.

Roy Kent with some
salty language.

Would you care to
elaborate, Roy?

All right. Chelsea
was shit today.

They were shocking.

Watching them, you'd never
know they were playing at home.

They were too timid. They
were too respectful of United.

They were lucky they didn't
lose by three or four or ten.

That's harsh, Roy. United's
been on a good run recently.

Who gives a shit, Chris?

That's no excuse to play
like you're afraid of 'em.

You could see it in their
faces: Abject terror.

Like children waiting in line
for the handsy Father Christmas.

Have some fucking pride in your
shirt or don't fucking wear it.

Roy Kent, you fucking legend!

- I mean, that is how you do it!
- I enjoy his candor.

Again, we apologize for almost
every word Roy just said.

Higgins, as a founding
member of the Diamond Dogs,

it breaks our little bowwow hearts to
see you wandering around this building.

A man without a desk.

So we'd like to ask you to move in
with us down here with my man, Nate.

What do you say?

That would be perfect. I mean,
only if it's okay with Nathan.

Yeah, of course.

Roomies!

Oops, sorry.

Now, before y'all bounce,

I do have one piece of football
business we need to discuss.

And that is Jamie Tartt's
future with this team.

- I thought that was settled.
- Well, I did too.

Then I was talking to
Sam, and he unsettled it.

- Sam wants Jamie back?
- No, no.

Sam just reminded me that he
himself has got a great dad.

Not everyone has that.

And isn't the idea
of "never give up"

one of them things we
always talk about in sports?

And shouldn't that
apply to people too?

Two aces is very tempting.
Could be exactly what we need.

But it could also ruin morale
to have someone in here

just belittling
everyone all the ti...

Will! Will! Not beneath the
lockers. On the bench, man. Come on.

Sorry.

What a doughnut.

What was I saying?

- What about you, Coach?
- Pro: He's a great player.

Con: He's a poop
in the punch bowl.

All right, Diamond Dogs, as canines, we
are supposed to lack opposable digits.

But right now I'm gonna ask
you: Thumbs up or thumbs down?

Okay. Okay.

Hi.

How'd it go?

Come on, babe. Say something.

What, you just gonna
pretend like you hated it?

You were amazing.

- Shit, you really did hate it.
- May I have your phone?

Roy, I'm really sorry.

It's just that...

I mean, not that it matters... But
everyone over there, they loved you.

And Twitter was going
cuckoo for Coco Pops.

But you don't ever have to do it
again if you don't want to, so…

Here.

Felt good to be back
around the game.

Oh, good.

What are you doing?

You helped me to
help myself. Again.

So I wanted to
thank you properly.

Hit play.

I am announcing…

My retirement…

From...

Hey, there she is.

Good night, Coach Lasso.

And thank you for letting
me observe training today.

Some coaches get quite
conspiratorial at the notion.

Well, I didn't know I had
a choice. I'm just goofing.

Besides, most of my conspiracies
revolve around the Freemasons

on account of a couple
different Disney cartoons

I watched a bunch as a kid.

I'll email you and your staff
my takeaways when I get home.

Well, hey. Come on.
Let 'er rip right now.

Reading that email will be like

listening to a cover
tune of your thoughts.

Rather hear this tune for the first
time from the original artist.

- Well, if you insist.
- I do.

There's a wonderful
atmosphere here.

All the employees are thoughtful and kind,
and they actually listen to one another.

Yeah, I've noticed
the same thing.

Well, hey, let me
ask you this now.

You think we got ourselves

a "if it ain't broke, don't
fix it" situation here or what?

That depends.

Does everyone agree that being winless
with eight straight draws "ain't broke"?

Yeah.

Heavy is the head that wears
the visor, Coach Lasso.

You must have a
lot on your mind.

I hope we get a chance to sit down
and talk about it all someday.

Yeah. No, I look
forward to that.

All right. Good night,
Doc…tor! Doctor.

Sorry.

You can call me Doc. It's okay.

Oh, thank God. I mean,
that's been killing me.

You saw it, you know. It's
just such a good nickname.

Prince of Tides.

Is that your
nickname for me now?

No, Coach Lasso.
My favorite book.

The people at Dubai Air have
asked specifically for Sam.

There's a photo shoot
set up for Friday.

Good for him. That young man
deserves some recognition.

Yeah.

Hello. Sorry to interrupt.
I'm Sharon Fieldstone.

Yes. Oh, it is lovely to
meet you, Dr. Fieldstone.

- Please, call me Sharon. Hi.
- Hi! Lovely to meet you.

I just wanted to stop by

and thank you for the lovely
gift basket of bottled water.

Yes, well, Ted said
you didn't eat sugar.

So many other things
don't have sugar in them.

I really am glad that
you're joining us.

I hope that you'll be just the boost we
need to get things going around here.

Wouldn't you say, Higgins?

Leslie?

Sorry, I was just…