Team Kaylie (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Invasion of the Lumberjerks - full transcript

I can't believe
I just hiked five miles!

Especially since my heart stopped
at mile three.

Too bad your complaining didn't.

Five miles,
and we never left Kaylie's backyard.

And now we're holding
our Wilderness meeting in Kaylie's casita?

It's like heaven,
but with better feng shui.

And it beats meeting at your school.

Concrete jungle versus our private jungle.

Now, who wants to feed a monkey?

If he starts throwing poop,
I'm calling security.

I saw this exact same sculpture
in the museum.



Yeah. That's where I bought it.

And then I painted it pink
because it's, like, old.

She goes shopping in museums!

Hey, next time you're there,

can you pick me up a mummy?
I wanna try and bring it back to life.

Well, that would certainly win
the Science Fair.

Right, that's what I was gonna use it for.

So Kaylie is rich. Big deal. Who cares?

Just my millions of fans
who watch my weekly livestreams.

Last week's was on selfie improvement.

I loved that one.

Head tilted, lips puckered, stick 'em out.

I still make it work.

So, Wilderness Leaders, in closing,



as Principal of Pico Middle School,

I'm excited to host the Campsite Setup
Competition next week,

which should give you some idea
as to how pathetic the rest of my life is.

This is another opportunity
to win a Silver Pine Cone.

And remember, the two teams that win
the most Pine Cones at the end of the year

get to compete
for the big Wilderness Trophy.

Probably should let
the paint dry first.

May the best club win!

Or actually, may the worst club win.
Go Porcupines!

Go. Go. Go. Go.

Kaylie, you're late.

Sorry, Principal Dana.

I left way early,
but traffic was horrible.

Don't you come by helicopter?

Yes, but there was a high speed pursuit,

and between the police choppers
and Channel Nine's Eye in the Sky,

it was rotor to rotor up there!

Don't worry. You didn't miss much.

Guys, I'd like to introduce our newest
Wilderness Leader, Kaylie Konrad.

Wow, Colt, you remembered me
from the hike.

Well, you're pretty hard to forget.

Especially since you asked me
to carry you down the mountain.

I had a broken fingernail!

Should we get her help?

You mean like a glam squad?

No, like a doctor.

You know what?
Laugh it up, Cheekbones,

but every time
the Lumberjacks come to the school,

a fight breaks out
between them and the Porcupines.

And we can't afford a school nurse...

or Band-Aids.

All we have is duct tape and a stapler.

Sounds like my mom's first tummy tuck.

That doctor's in jail now.

The point is,
you're in charge of the Porcupines,

and you need to keep them in line.

It would be nice
to beat the Lumberjacks for once.

I'm tired of their principal
always laughing at me.

I'm sure he was just laughing
with you.

Then explain the pointing.

And what if I can't keep the Porcupines
in line?

Well, then you wouldn't be doing your job,
and I'll have to explain to the judge

that your community service here
isn't working out,

and you'll be picking trash up
along the freeway.

I don't even pick up my own trash!

My butler sells it on eBay.

People will pay money for your trash
just because you're famous?

Yeah.

Some prince in Dubai once paid 50 grand
for my pudding spork.

Here, go buy yourself a car.

So, next week, we will be hosting
the Campsite Setup Competition,

which means all the Wilderness Clubs
will be coming here.

- What?
- No! Not the Lumberjacks!

They're meaner than the National
Enquirer's celebrity cellulite issue!

You do you, Rebel Wilson.

Don't worry.
I've set up a million campsites.

That Silver Pine Cone is in the bag!

And once you win this contest,
we'll be even with the Lumberjacks.

The Lumberjacks are demons in polo shirts!

May they drown
in their overpriced Vitaminwater.

Come on. They're not that bad.

Yeah?

I'm still picking pieces of underwear
out of my butt

from the last time they were here.

Plus, they gave you
that really bad swirlie.

His hair used to be straight.

If they get out of line again,

I will happily kick
their over-privileged butts!

No! There will be no butt kicking!

Or butt picking!

Everything has to go perfectly!

What do you care?

Aren't you just
a court-ordered babysitter?

I want you guys to look good.

I'm all about you kids, Malaria.

It's Valeria!

I knew that!
I was just giving you a fun nickname!

Over one million people die
of malaria every year.

Okay, maybe not super-fun.

Most of them children.

Or at all fun.

Under the age of five.

Okay, you are like
a Google Alert of sadness.

So Principal Dana said
that we need to clean up the school

before the presentations.
Aren't there any janitors here?

Just one,

and he's also the basketball coach,
the bus driver, and the mascot.

That last round of budget cuts was brutal.

Truth. This year is BYOTP,

bring your own toilet paper.

Well, I scraped all the gum
off the bottom of the desks.

Ew, that's just nasty.

Chewy, throw that away.

Are you crazy?
This bad boy is gonna last me all year!

Plus, most of it was mine to begin with.

They don't call me Chewy for nothing.

I thought Chewy
was short for Chewbacca.

You know, because you're big, hairy,
and you growl when you eat.

Guys, you're supposed to be cleaning!

What are all these ugly bags doing here?

They're garbage bags.

You know, where we put the garbage?

So that's how people clean.

The Lumberjacks are here!

I don't know
how they got through my repel spell!

I used double the newts!

Hey, look, it's the Porcupukes
in their natural habitat...

garbage.

Look what you threw away.

Your self-respect.

Demons, be gone!

Are they gone?

Nope, still here.

And we're gonna beat you so bad,
you're gonna wish you were never born.

Kind of how your mom feels about you.

Roasted!

That was pathetic.

Even more pathetic
than this crappy school.

Hey!

It is not their fault
that this school is crappy!

I got your backs.

Hey, Logan, Target called,
and they want their look back.

These are all designer uniforms!

The wrong designer.

Money can't buy you class, honey.

Maybe we should stop trash-talking them
and just adopt them for a dollar a day.

No way. This one's so ugly
she made a Happy Meal cry.

- Let me at him.
- Don't.

Well, that's a sexy mugshot.

Somebody's guilty of being hot.

Kaylie, what's going on here?

Nothing.

Amber is just so excited
to greet our guests,

I have to restrain her.

Let me go!

See? She can't wait to hug them!

We matched!

Rats!
He's serving life in prison.

Well, nobody's perfect.

Why didn't you let me flatten
that Lumberjerk?

Because they're our guests.
It wouldn't be polite.

So, we're just supposed
to let them walk all over us?

I thought you had our backs.

I do,

but...

Okay, the truth is
I didn't want you kicking any Lumberbutt

because Principal Dana said
that I have to keep you guys in line.

And if I don't,
she'll tell the judge I screwed up,

then I'll be picking up trash
on the freeway,

and good luck selling that
to a prince in Dubai!

She's lost it!

I'll get my EpiPen!

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Look, I am really sorry
those Lumberjerks are such... jerks,

but can you guys please help me out?

Kaylie Konrad, I have worshiped you
since the Met Ball of 2011

when you sashayed in
wearing not one, not two,

but three live peacocks!

You are my everything.

So if you need me,
I am here for you.

Thank you, Ray Ray.
You are my hero.

Take me now, Lord!
It will not get better than this!

Please, guys?

Okay,

since you saved my life on that cliff,
I won't beat up the Lumberjerks... today.

If we're not gonna beat them up,

maybe we can revisit
that dollar a day thing.

Sounded like a pretty good deal.

Thank you so much.

Okay, you guys practice your presentation.

Since we're having guests,

Principal Dana says
that I have to go buy toilet paper.

Thank God!
I was down to my last square.

Valeria, you need to help us.

I am helping.

I'm gonna go whip up a spell
to curse the Lumberjacks.

But we just promised
not to get Kaylie in trouble.

I didn't promise anything.

Those Lumberjacks laughed at us,
so they must suffer eternal torment!

And now, I disappear.

Um, we can still see you.

No, you cannot!

Perfect!

Now all we have to do is sabotage
the Porcupukes' presentation,

and they'll look really stupid.

Like... stupider-est.

You have such a way with words.

Your mom didn't even need
to buy you that A in English.

Speaking of stupider-est,
you just let me record all that.

This, plus my spell, will guarantee
a Porcupine victory!

Who's a naughty, little felon?

No problem.
A competent witch can just translocate.

Translocate!

And here we are at Pico Middle school.

Well, that's a fun place
for a snake tattoo.

Hi, Principal Dana!

My millions of fans wanna know
who you were just FaceTiming.

No one.

- We all just heard--
- My mother.

Your mom has a snake tattoo?

Yes.

We're in a cult.

Hi, Kaylie, you excited
about your kids' presentation?

You bet!
I haven't felt this excited

since I introduced my line of girdles
for dogs with no willpower!

What's next? Corsets for cats?

Already in stores.

Do you want to say something
to my millions of fans?

Sure...

Put down your phones and go outside.

Or not, because we all know
the best tans come in a can

like this Kaylie Konrad's Can O' Tan!

Or you can just go out in the sun
and save yourself... $49.99?

Okay, that's enough screen time for you.

Okay, guys, we got this!
With speed, precision, and teamwork,

today is the day
we finally beat the Lumberjerks!

Yeah!

Has anyone noticed
Valeria's been gone for hours?

Hey, maybe
her disappearing spell finally worked.

But if you are here, Valeria,

notice they were all laughing
louder than me.

Hello?

Guys?

Sure wish I had a don't-need-to-pee spell.

Or one of a my grandma's diapers.

Don't think about water.
Don't think about water.

Don't think about water.

All right, the Lumberjacks are in the lead
with the fastest time.

And next up, our own Pico Porcupines,

who never win anything
because we are underfunded.

That's right. That's right.

That's my group on stage!
Aren't they adorable?

This is gonna be so good.

Yeah, that was a brilliant idea to cut
slits into the Porcupines' tent poles

when they weren't looking.

I know.

As soon as they try to raise that tent,
those poles will snap

like my little brother's wrist
when I ran over him with my Big Wheel.

I wish I had a little brother to hurt.

All right, Porcupines,

on your mark, get set,

at least you tried!

Wow. Aren't they doing great?
I haven't seen kids move that fast

since a few of them got caught
in my rear bumper

at the Kids' Choice Awards!

I can't believe it!
We might actually beat the Lumberjerks!

We're gonna win!

Go, Pico Porcupines!

Watch out, Chewy!

Why are you applauding?
Your group was a disaster.

That's not supposed to happen?
I've never been camping.

Guys, it wasn't that bad.

It was totally humiliating!

Like 50 Cent trying to throw out
a pitch humiliating.

You want to hear humiliating?

Last year at Cannes,
my yacht went off course

and demolished George Clooney's dinghy.

Must have been sabotage.

You really think so?

So that's why Gigi Hadid
was snorkeling so close to our propeller.

Barnacle scraping, my butt!

No, I meant the Lumberjerks!

Why would the Lumberjacks
wanna hurt my yacht?

I can't. Ray Ray, you try.

Kaylie, try to focus.

This is not about your yacht.

Although, I'd love to ride on it someday.

Maybe during New York Fashion Week
or a quick trip to the Seychelles.

Okay, you're done.

Kaylie, Amber meant

she thinks the Lumberjacks
sabotaged our presentation.

And I think she's right.

Me too. It's the only explanation.

Guys, you lost. What's the big deal?
You always lose to the Lumberjacks!

That sounded a lot more comforting
in my head.

So you're saying you don't believe us?

No, I'm just saying--

Of course she doesn't believe us.
She doesn't even want to be here.

She's just doing this
because a judge is making her.

That is not true!

Well, it's kind of true,
but I really am proud of you guys.

That's why I livestreamed
the whole thing!

Say what now?

So we lost, and the whole world
saw us being embarrassed?

Not the whole world.
Just a few of my fans. No big deal.

How many?

- Two million.
- Speak up now, girl.

Two million, okay?

- Get out.
- But I was just trying to--

- Out before I--
- Go! And hurry!

I still have butter on my fingers
from lunch!

Didn't you have salad for lunch?

What's your point?

Okay, in 15 minutes,

the Lumberjerks are going to be presented
with the Silver Pine Cone.

Let's get revenge!

Okay, but after that,
can we please make up with Kaylie?

I really wanna island-hop on that yacht.

People, it has jet skis, a water slide,
and a submarine!

Maybe we could use that
to study bioluminescent plankton!

Only you could make a yacht sound boring.

Let's go!

Help!

Valeria? What are you doing in there?

Karaoke.

What do you think?
I'm stuck! Get me out!

I don't know your combination.

- It's 666!
- Should have guessed that.

Leg cramp, foot cramp,
everything cramp!

You know what might help that?

Not hanging out in a locker.

I was spying on the Lumberjerks.

And I recorded them talking
about sabotaging our presentation.

We have to stop them before it's too late!

Um... it's already too late.

But we may still have time
to do something. Come on!

Are you okay?

No, I was in that locker for hours.

After drinking a Big Gulp.

Don't squeeze too hard!!

These shoes are not waterproof!

...and when we sabotage
the Porcupukes' presentation,

- they'll look really stupid.
- See?

I told you they sabotaged us!

You did,
and I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.

Apology accepted.

Meanwhile, the Lumberjerks
are about to get a Silver Pine Cone!

Don't worry.

- I'm stopping the ceremony right now.
- No!

I mean...

let the Lumberjacks have their moment.
I say live and let live.

You're planning something.
What are you planning?

- Nothing.
- Nothing at all.

Jackie?

Okay! Okay! Stop interrogating me.

We're going to humiliate the Lumberjerks
when they're awarded the Silver Pine Cone.

Plus, I double spaced my last essay
to make it look longer,

and once, last year,
I didn't recycle my yogurt cup!

Shame on me! Shame!

You collapsed faster
than our sabotaged tent.

Wait, but if you girls are here,
then who's out wreaking revenge?

OMG, where are Chewy and Ray Ray?

Melted gum, ready.

Glitter cannon, ready.

I've been waiting my whole life
to say that.

The best Campsite Setup
Silver Pine Cone goes to--

Stop!

Get off the stage now!

Stop it, Kaylie!

The Lumberjacks deserve this,
because, surprise, surprise,

they're the winners.

- Did Principal Dana just say "winners"?
- That's out cue!

I tried to warn you.

Next time, try harder.

This is not going to look good
when I give that report to the judge.

What is going on here?

You mean besides
me questioning my career choice?

I could have been a coroner!

What's going on here is that
the Porcupukes are bad sports.

Let's just take our Pine Cone
and get out of here.

Not so fast.

Colt, I'm sorry to have to tell you this,

but the Lumberjacks sabotaged
the Porcupines,

and we have proof.

Valeria?

And...

I appear.

Behold... the proof.

...and when we sabotage
the Porcupukes' presentation,

they'll look really stupid.

That's not my voice!

Mine either!

I can't believe you guys would do that.

You've met them, right?

Kaylie, kids, I'd like to apologize
on behalf of the Lumberjacks.

You guys had the best time,
and then you were sabotaged,

so you deserve this.

Thank you.

Thank you, Kaylie.
You really did have our backs.

We won? We won!

No one will ever laugh at me again!

Well, Kaylie, you certainly made yourself
look foolish.

Principal Dana, I am so sorry
you got gum-glittered,

and I accept whatever bad report
you wanna give to the judge about me.

Even if it means picking up trash
along the freeway?

Yes.

If I had just listened to the kids,
a lot of this could have been avoided.

So just don't blame them.

So, the little boogers are starting
to grow on you?

Yes, and I really am trying
to be a good role model...

as opposed to just a model.

- I'm sorry. Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.

Why am I here?

I just wanted a little eye candy
while I yell at Kaylie.

Glad I could help.

Kaylie, I can see that you are trying,
as pathetic as it may be,

so I will not give a bad report
to the judge.

Really? Thank you, Principal Dana!

No, I don't want a hug.
Please, do not hug.

Now we're stuck.

Well, don't just stand there,
you incredible hunk.

Grab onto me and pull!

Look what happened.

Sorry. Just can't seem
to pull myself away.

- That's what all the guys say to me.
- Me too!

Whatever.

Don't you just love foot massages?

Yup. Forget the market.

My little piggies are not going anywhere.

This is the least I could do for you guys

after you were embarrassed
in front of two million people.

Just out of curiosity,
what would be the most you could do?

Well, I was thinking

next week, I can help you guys earn
your Backpack Packing Badges!

Aw, I wanted one one of those monkeys.

You know, we never thanked you, Valeria.

Without your recording, we never
would have gotten that Pine Cone.

Thanks, Valeria.

Even if the way she obtained it
was legally and ethically questionable.

I mean, great job!

Meanwhile, whatever happened to the spell
to curse the Lumberjerks?

Did you just decide not to cast it?

No, it's been cast.

In 20 years, they're all gonna develop
male pattern baldness.

Even the girls.

- You can do that?
- Because I'd love to see

that rotten Gigi Hadid
looking like a cue ball!

What? She messed up my yacht!