Taxi (1978–1983): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Great Race - full transcript
Alex and Louie engage in a friendly competition to see who can take in the most money. If Louie wins he gets a date with Elaine.
( theme music playing )
LOUIE:
Okay, listen up here!
Listen up, everybody.
I'm upstairs getting
chewed out by the boss
because of your lousy bookings.
Now, I don't want
to embarrass anybody
but Nardo, $41.
Hmm?
Banta, $52.
When I was a driver,
I was ashamed
to show my face in the garage
if I had less
than a hundred dollars.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What I wouldn't give
for a garage
full of Louie De Palmas.
Hey, Louie, do us a favor.
Don't give us that speech
about how great a driver
you were. Please.
What are you, embarrassed,
Banta?
You should be ashamed to be
in the same garage with me.
I'm ashamed to be in the
same species with you.
Funny, Nardo.
What I need are cab drivers.
What I got are a bunch
of Jan Murrays.
I could get in this cab
right now and outbook anybody.
Sure, Louie, if you say so.
You don't think so, Wheeler?
Uh, as a matter
of fact, I don't.
Then try me.
Call my bluff.
Okay, you're on.
You want a showdown, then
a showdown you're gonna get
if it's the only thing
that's gonna shut your mouth.
Man-to-man, one-on-one,
you against Alex.
Hey, he's our best
booker, right?
And I say
he can outbook you
anytime anywhere.
Hey, Bob, Bob...
Alex, can you stay
out of this, please?
Now, if you're not gonna
accept the challenge,
then you'd better shut your
mouth about how good you are.
Get that finger
out of my face.
No.
( screaming )
That's my hand! My hand!
Uh, now... now that we've
all calmed down a little,
can I say something
here, huh?
Look, I don't like saying this
in front of him, but, uh,
well, I was here when Louie
was a driver and, uh,
well, he's telling the truth
about how good he was.
He brought in
a lot of money.
I think we better
put this to music.
Hey, Alex, hey,
you can't back down.
I really believe
you can beat him.
Look, it's not a matter
of beating him.
I-I-I just don't like
the idea, that's all.
This is our chance
to humiliate
the little creep.
I like that idea.
No, no, look I...
forget it.
Rieger's got more brains
than to tangle with De Palma.
I don't blame him
for chickening out.
Now, Louie!
Now, don't start
on this, Louie!
I get involved
with things like this,
I, uh, go a little crazy,
and I don't like myself
like that.
Hey, Louie, Louie, look.
Can I talk to you
for a minute? I, uh...
Look, Louie,
I-I've never tried
to talk to you
man-to-man before,
but, uh,
or even as a human being,
but let me try right now.
Look, uh...
it-it's taken me a long time
to, uh, get over
competitiveness in my life
and, well,
I think I finally did it
and, uh... well, I like it
that way, you understand?
And, uh... okay?
So let's just-let's just
forget this, all right?
Huh?
All right, Alex.
I understand.
Thanks, Louie.
( Louie clucks like chicken )
( clucking )
( clucking continues )
LOUIE:
Hey, any eggs
in here, Jeff?
No.
( clucking )
There're a lot of
chickens around.
Louie!
Louie!
You cluck one more time,
just one more time,
I'm going to take you up
on that silly little contest,
and I'll beat you, Lou.
( clucking loudly over P.A. )
( clucking )
( clucking )
You're on!
Great!
Okay, tomorrow night,
Alex versus Louie
for the driving championship
of the garage--
King Cabbie!
( cheering )
Tomorrow night?
What's wrong
with tonight?
If we're doing this thing,
let's do it right now.
The sooner the better, Rieger.
All right.
Jeff, fetch my badge.
( cheering )
Latka!
Are these two cabs
ready to go out?
Yes, they are, Louie.
Ibida!
Ibida.
All right.
I know this is the biggest bet
I ever made in my life,
but I think my friend, Alex,
will win.
I got a hundred bucks
says Alex beats you.
I'll cover that.
You got it.
Anybody else here
want to prove
they're as dumb as Banta?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
All right, I'll
cover it all.
Jeff, collect
that money.
All right...
I'm going to do this thing
in style.
Feast your eyes
on a money-making machine.
Okay, I'm ready!
All right.
The winner's the guy
who brings in the most money
in eight hours.
Right, right.
What are the rules?
There are no rules.
Makes it hard to cheat.
( growls )
Good luck, Alex.
Thanks, Elaine.
I-I just know
you're gonna win.
You know, if I had
any extra money,
man, I'd bet on you.
Aw, thanks.
I'll cover that.
No, Louie, I don't have
any extra money this week.
My rent's due, and I gotta...
You got something better
than money, Nardo--
your self-respect.
Let's say you and I make
a little side wager:
if I win this contest,
we go out together.
Oh... never.
Never, never, never,
never, never, never.
Good luck, Alex.
Hold on, Nardo.
Let's talk turkey here.
Uh, let's hear it.
Uh, what's a date
with you worth?
Five hundred dollars.
Five hundred dollars?
Mm-hmm.
The best date of my life
only cost me 20.
And that included the room
and the closed-circuit TV.
I knew that would shut him up.
You're on.
Shall we shake on it?
( bell dinging )
Okay, gentlemen,
start your engines.
LOUIE:
Nardo!
My colors.
( yells )
( engines starting )
Okay, now, is everybody ready?
Yeah, ready, ready.
Okay-- Alex?
Ready when
you are, Latka.
Okay.
On your mark...
get set...
one for the money...
two for the show...
one potato, two potato...
Latka, we're running
out of gas here!
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Go!
( cheering )
BOBBY ( over radio ):
Alex, Alex.
Louie just got his eighth fare.
Eight fares in one hour?
Eight fares in one cab.
How you doing?
You know how I'm doing.
I had one fare,
and the guy stiffed me.
Uh-oh,
oh, I think I see somebody.
Let's go, girls.
Where are we going?
Hello there.
Hi.
Where to?
We're going
to the movies.
Could you be a little bit
more specific?
Oh, well, we haven't decided
what movie to see yet.
I wanted to see
The Muppet Movie.
Perfect choice.
I can't stand
that little frog.
I want to go to a revival
of, uh, The Sound of Music.
One of my favorites--
Sound of Music.
We've seen it 12 times.
No, no. You can't see that one
too many times.
Look, uh, please, uh,
I don't mean to be rude,
but I'm in kind of a hurry
tonight,
so can you make your decision,
please?
You got to pick last time.
And I made an
excellent choice.
So, what?
ALEX:
Girls, girls,
girls, come on.
Nuns, nuns,
Sisters, Sisters...
Look, now, Sisters,
look, I'm a nice guy,
I really am,
and I'm gonna hate
myself tomorrow,
but I'm trying to win a
contest here tonight,
and I-I would really wish...
Would you get out of my cab?
Get out of the cab, please.
No, please, both of you.
Get out of the cab.
Please, out!
What am I doing?
I'm turning
into Louie De Palma here.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Get back in, get back in.
Come here.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
I lost my head.
Uh, please, forgive me.
That's all right.
Look, uh, please,
I-I'll take you
anywhere you want to go.
Just tell me, where
do you want to go?
Your choice.
Well, anywhere but
The Sound of Music.
What's wrong with
The Sound of Music?
I do not want
to see that movie...
Pick a movie!
Muppets!
Muppets!
Muppets.
Hey, everybody,
I just broke 40 bucks.
BOBBY:
Louie just topped a hundred.
Hundred bucks?
Wow.
Hi, there,
where you going?
( speaking Chinese)
Oh, no, no, excuse me,
no, please, um...
Wait a second,
now, um...
English?
Do you speak English?
Eng-li-shi...?
Oh! ( chuckles )
( speaking Chinese)
No, no, no, no.
( loudly ):
Where do you want to go?
Why am I talking so loud?
( speaking Chinese )
No, no, that's Chinese.
I only speak...
Oh, oh, that's-
that's clever.
Okay, I know where
that is. Good.
( speaking Chinese )
( mutters in Chinese )
( speaking Chinese )
Oh, my God.
Hey, don't you listen
to Karl Malden?
( speaking Chinese )
No, no, no.
Look, look, I don't
need this much money.
I-I...
You don't know that, do you?
I could take everything you got.
Wow!
There's more money here
than I need.
More to... I could beat
a whole herd of Louies.
Hey, uh, you don't mind
if I rob you blind,
cheat you of
all your money,
and, uh, make you
penniless, do you?
( speaking Chinese)
ALEX:
Elaine, hello?
ELAINE ( sleepily ):
Yes, Alex.
Oh, listen, I think
I need your help.
I, uh, have a Chinese
gentleman in my cab
who doesn't speak
a word of English,
and I think he's just
in from Hong Kong,
and he's a little confused
about our currency.
I mean, he's trying to
give me what looks like
900 bucks
to go on a two-mile trip.
ELAINE ( over radio ):
All right!
Well, I guess it's
a tough choice.
Oh, uh...
Here we are, sir.
That's where
you want to go.
Well, uh...
that about covers
it, I guess.
( speaking Chinese )
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, thank you
very much, no.
I don't want...
No, please...
( speaking Chinese )
No, no, sir.
Look, no, no,
I can't take that.
No, no, no, sir, I can't...
I can't even take this.
Look, uh, you, uh...
I take you on short ride.
You give me much money...
for short ride.
Now I'm talking like Tonto.
Tonto-- Hi-ho, Silver!
No, no...
I... I can't take it.
I can't take it.
Here, that's for you.
This is enough.
This is for me, see?
Just five-- five bucks.
Oh...
( speaking Chinese)
Yeah.
ELAINE:
Alex?
Yeah, Elaine?
You didn't take the money,
did you?
No, I didn't, Elaine.
But I did learn something
about myself tonight, Elaine.
No matter how competitive
I might be,
when it comes right down to it,
there's a quality in me
that prevails over everything,
let me tell you.
Your stupidity.
You got it.
( humming )
MAN:
Hey, driver.
Oh, yeah.
That's the U.N.
Oh, so it is.
This is the second time
we've passed it.
I didn't want you
to miss it.
You're trying
to run up this fare.
You're crazy.
No, I'm not.
I'm Inspector Ryan,
New York Taxi Commission.
Pull it over.
I'm writing you out
a summons, mister.
Let me see your hack license.
There!
Is that your full name--
Tony Banta?
Yeah.
Hey, this sure doesn't look
like your picture.
It was taken
when I was sick...
and stupid.
I didn't see
any ID from you...
big guy.
Here you are.
Are these your kids?
Yep.
Reminds me of a chimp act
I once saw.
You know,
I'm going to see to it
that you never drive
a cab in this city again.
( mutters mockingly )
In fact, I'm going
to confiscate your license.
Eh.
Now, get this hack right back
in the garage, Banta.
Give my regards, and a banana,
to your family.
You know, I'm going to love
seeing you hung out to dry,
wise guy.
Bobby Wheeler,
reporting for duty.
BOBBY:
Alex: $106.40!
De Palma: $147.
Look, Alex,
you've only got another hour
and you're way behind.
ALEX:
Oh, now I'm being hailed down
by a little old lady
with eight bags of groceries.
Oh, no, Alex,
she'll take forever.
You-you'll have
to carry her bags
and she'll only want to go
a couple of blocks.
Aw, forget it--
this contest is over.
Besides, she's waving
her vegetables at me.
I'm afraid
I've got lots of bags.
Yeah, I'm afraid
you do, too.
That's all right.
I'll-I'll load your...
I'll load your
groceries for you.
I hope
this won't put you out.
Not at all.
Here you go.
These groceries
are for my friends.
They can't get around
as well as I.
Ah-hah.
Now, that one is for Ethel,
who lives in the Bronx.
Bronx, huh?
Mm-hmm.
And those are for Cora
who lives in Brooklyn.
Brooklyn, huh?
Mm-hmm.
And that's for Virginia
out on Long Island.
Long Island?
Mm-hmm.
And who is this for?
Oh, those are mine.
And where do you live?
I live in New Jersey.
New Jersey?!
I hope you have
a lot of gas.
Well, if I run out,
I'll push.
( laughs )
LOUIE:
It can't be.
It is.
The De Palma luck strikes again.
2120 Ninth Avenue in Brooklyn.
Mm.
Just one thing
could make this perfect.
This is my first time
in New York.
That's it.
Um...
( clears throat )
It'll be $22.50, please.
No, it's not.
What are you talking about?
I've been counting
the clicks on the meter.
Clicks?
It now reads
exactly six dollars.
You're a very
dishonest person.
I think I'd better
warn you--
I happen to be a very
big, muscular guy.
Then you must be talking
out of your belly button.
Here's your six dollars.
You got a lot of nerve
calling yourself
handicapped!
BOBBY:
Okay, Alex, Louie, time's up.
Bring 'em in.
What's with her?
She hasn't said a word
in three hours.
Okay, Jeff,
Louie's total is $212.30.
( cabbies murmuring )
Ooh!
Well, Elaine...
You don't mind me
calling you Elaine?
Don't think
I can't be tender.
Sure, I play the
tough guy sometimes...
but I think
you'll find that...
underneath I can be...
warm...
and thrilling.
And, yes...
a little vulnerable.
Would it spoil this moment
for you if I threw up?
Hey, Louie, you haven't won yet,
you know.
Come on, count this up.
Ooh, yeah.
Oh, oh, Tony,
lie if you have to.
One ninety-seven.
( shouts happily )
( humming )
* He wins, he wins!
Nyah!
Hey, listen, folks,
I'm sorry.
I, uh, I did my best.
I...
Nyah!
Hey, Alex.
Hey, Alex, you did great, man,
and I'll tell you
I think you're taking
this loss really well.
Thanks, Tony.
Get your hands off me.
Hey, what's that?
My tips.
Well, uh, uh,
don't tips count?
I don't know.
Hey, we said the
guy who brings in
the most money wins
and tips are money.
Oh, that's right!
I-I've seen them.
I know that for a fact--
it's money.
LOUIE:
Oh, no.
No, no. Tips
don't count!
It's what's on the meter
that counts.
We never said
tips don't count, Louie.
We never said they do, either.
Hey, hey, listen,
if I'd have thought for a second
that tips counted,
I could've pulled in
more than...
80 cents.
Admit it, Louie,
80 cents is a record for you.
You must be more nauseating
on the road
than you are in the garage.
Okay, I got
40 bucks here!
( cheering )
I got you beat,
Louie!
No, no, no!
No, Rieger,
tips don't count!
( all yelling at once )
Hold it!
( whistling loudly )
Hold it!
Now, listen,
we all got
something at stake
here, right?
Now, the only
fair thing to do
is get, like, an
objective bystander
you know, to-to
settle the question.
Somebody who didn't
bet on the race.
LOUIE:
Everybody bet
on this race.
Tips don't count.
Not everybody.
You want a bite?
Latka.
Latka who loves me.
That's right.
Latka who fears me.
Right.
Latka who owes his job to me.
Yes.
Good, old, impartial Latka.
Now, hold it right there, Louie.
You can't threaten Latka's job.
Now, look, I'm willing
to let Latka decide,
and I'll stand by it,
but if you put
this kind of pressure on him,
this whole fiasco's off,
you understand?
Okay, Latka.
( grunts softly )
No... no... no pressure.
Decide away.
Come on, Latka,
is it Alex or Louie?
Be impartial,
Latka. Impartial.
Okay.
Well...
I tell you...
I tell you something.
You know, I... I do love Louie.
And Louie loves Latka.
Thank you
very much.
And I, also,
I do love Alex, too.
And Alex loves Latka.
Yeah, she's right.
Thank you very much.
You know, this... this is
a wonderful place to work.
Thank you very much.
Get over here!
And decide!
Decide what?
About... about the contest!
Oh.
Why, what is the question?
Do tips count?
Oh, of course they do.
( cheering )
( taunting Louie )
All right,
all right
listen up here.
Okay, listen up here
for a second.
I just want to say one thing.
I hope you all die.
( theme music playing )
WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.
( grunts )
LOUIE:
Okay, listen up here!
Listen up, everybody.
I'm upstairs getting
chewed out by the boss
because of your lousy bookings.
Now, I don't want
to embarrass anybody
but Nardo, $41.
Hmm?
Banta, $52.
When I was a driver,
I was ashamed
to show my face in the garage
if I had less
than a hundred dollars.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What I wouldn't give
for a garage
full of Louie De Palmas.
Hey, Louie, do us a favor.
Don't give us that speech
about how great a driver
you were. Please.
What are you, embarrassed,
Banta?
You should be ashamed to be
in the same garage with me.
I'm ashamed to be in the
same species with you.
Funny, Nardo.
What I need are cab drivers.
What I got are a bunch
of Jan Murrays.
I could get in this cab
right now and outbook anybody.
Sure, Louie, if you say so.
You don't think so, Wheeler?
Uh, as a matter
of fact, I don't.
Then try me.
Call my bluff.
Okay, you're on.
You want a showdown, then
a showdown you're gonna get
if it's the only thing
that's gonna shut your mouth.
Man-to-man, one-on-one,
you against Alex.
Hey, he's our best
booker, right?
And I say
he can outbook you
anytime anywhere.
Hey, Bob, Bob...
Alex, can you stay
out of this, please?
Now, if you're not gonna
accept the challenge,
then you'd better shut your
mouth about how good you are.
Get that finger
out of my face.
No.
( screaming )
That's my hand! My hand!
Uh, now... now that we've
all calmed down a little,
can I say something
here, huh?
Look, I don't like saying this
in front of him, but, uh,
well, I was here when Louie
was a driver and, uh,
well, he's telling the truth
about how good he was.
He brought in
a lot of money.
I think we better
put this to music.
Hey, Alex, hey,
you can't back down.
I really believe
you can beat him.
Look, it's not a matter
of beating him.
I-I-I just don't like
the idea, that's all.
This is our chance
to humiliate
the little creep.
I like that idea.
No, no, look I...
forget it.
Rieger's got more brains
than to tangle with De Palma.
I don't blame him
for chickening out.
Now, Louie!
Now, don't start
on this, Louie!
I get involved
with things like this,
I, uh, go a little crazy,
and I don't like myself
like that.
Hey, Louie, Louie, look.
Can I talk to you
for a minute? I, uh...
Look, Louie,
I-I've never tried
to talk to you
man-to-man before,
but, uh,
or even as a human being,
but let me try right now.
Look, uh...
it-it's taken me a long time
to, uh, get over
competitiveness in my life
and, well,
I think I finally did it
and, uh... well, I like it
that way, you understand?
And, uh... okay?
So let's just-let's just
forget this, all right?
Huh?
All right, Alex.
I understand.
Thanks, Louie.
( Louie clucks like chicken )
( clucking )
( clucking continues )
LOUIE:
Hey, any eggs
in here, Jeff?
No.
( clucking )
There're a lot of
chickens around.
Louie!
Louie!
You cluck one more time,
just one more time,
I'm going to take you up
on that silly little contest,
and I'll beat you, Lou.
( clucking loudly over P.A. )
( clucking )
( clucking )
You're on!
Great!
Okay, tomorrow night,
Alex versus Louie
for the driving championship
of the garage--
King Cabbie!
( cheering )
Tomorrow night?
What's wrong
with tonight?
If we're doing this thing,
let's do it right now.
The sooner the better, Rieger.
All right.
Jeff, fetch my badge.
( cheering )
Latka!
Are these two cabs
ready to go out?
Yes, they are, Louie.
Ibida!
Ibida.
All right.
I know this is the biggest bet
I ever made in my life,
but I think my friend, Alex,
will win.
I got a hundred bucks
says Alex beats you.
I'll cover that.
You got it.
Anybody else here
want to prove
they're as dumb as Banta?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
All right, I'll
cover it all.
Jeff, collect
that money.
All right...
I'm going to do this thing
in style.
Feast your eyes
on a money-making machine.
Okay, I'm ready!
All right.
The winner's the guy
who brings in the most money
in eight hours.
Right, right.
What are the rules?
There are no rules.
Makes it hard to cheat.
( growls )
Good luck, Alex.
Thanks, Elaine.
I-I just know
you're gonna win.
You know, if I had
any extra money,
man, I'd bet on you.
Aw, thanks.
I'll cover that.
No, Louie, I don't have
any extra money this week.
My rent's due, and I gotta...
You got something better
than money, Nardo--
your self-respect.
Let's say you and I make
a little side wager:
if I win this contest,
we go out together.
Oh... never.
Never, never, never,
never, never, never.
Good luck, Alex.
Hold on, Nardo.
Let's talk turkey here.
Uh, let's hear it.
Uh, what's a date
with you worth?
Five hundred dollars.
Five hundred dollars?
Mm-hmm.
The best date of my life
only cost me 20.
And that included the room
and the closed-circuit TV.
I knew that would shut him up.
You're on.
Shall we shake on it?
( bell dinging )
Okay, gentlemen,
start your engines.
LOUIE:
Nardo!
My colors.
( yells )
( engines starting )
Okay, now, is everybody ready?
Yeah, ready, ready.
Okay-- Alex?
Ready when
you are, Latka.
Okay.
On your mark...
get set...
one for the money...
two for the show...
one potato, two potato...
Latka, we're running
out of gas here!
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Go!
( cheering )
BOBBY ( over radio ):
Alex, Alex.
Louie just got his eighth fare.
Eight fares in one hour?
Eight fares in one cab.
How you doing?
You know how I'm doing.
I had one fare,
and the guy stiffed me.
Uh-oh,
oh, I think I see somebody.
Let's go, girls.
Where are we going?
Hello there.
Hi.
Where to?
We're going
to the movies.
Could you be a little bit
more specific?
Oh, well, we haven't decided
what movie to see yet.
I wanted to see
The Muppet Movie.
Perfect choice.
I can't stand
that little frog.
I want to go to a revival
of, uh, The Sound of Music.
One of my favorites--
Sound of Music.
We've seen it 12 times.
No, no. You can't see that one
too many times.
Look, uh, please, uh,
I don't mean to be rude,
but I'm in kind of a hurry
tonight,
so can you make your decision,
please?
You got to pick last time.
And I made an
excellent choice.
So, what?
ALEX:
Girls, girls,
girls, come on.
Nuns, nuns,
Sisters, Sisters...
Look, now, Sisters,
look, I'm a nice guy,
I really am,
and I'm gonna hate
myself tomorrow,
but I'm trying to win a
contest here tonight,
and I-I would really wish...
Would you get out of my cab?
Get out of the cab, please.
No, please, both of you.
Get out of the cab.
Please, out!
What am I doing?
I'm turning
into Louie De Palma here.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Get back in, get back in.
Come here.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
I lost my head.
Uh, please, forgive me.
That's all right.
Look, uh, please,
I-I'll take you
anywhere you want to go.
Just tell me, where
do you want to go?
Your choice.
Well, anywhere but
The Sound of Music.
What's wrong with
The Sound of Music?
I do not want
to see that movie...
Pick a movie!
Muppets!
Muppets!
Muppets.
Hey, everybody,
I just broke 40 bucks.
BOBBY:
Louie just topped a hundred.
Hundred bucks?
Wow.
Hi, there,
where you going?
( speaking Chinese)
Oh, no, no, excuse me,
no, please, um...
Wait a second,
now, um...
English?
Do you speak English?
Eng-li-shi...?
Oh! ( chuckles )
( speaking Chinese)
No, no, no, no.
( loudly ):
Where do you want to go?
Why am I talking so loud?
( speaking Chinese )
No, no, that's Chinese.
I only speak...
Oh, oh, that's-
that's clever.
Okay, I know where
that is. Good.
( speaking Chinese )
( mutters in Chinese )
( speaking Chinese )
Oh, my God.
Hey, don't you listen
to Karl Malden?
( speaking Chinese )
No, no, no.
Look, look, I don't
need this much money.
I-I...
You don't know that, do you?
I could take everything you got.
Wow!
There's more money here
than I need.
More to... I could beat
a whole herd of Louies.
Hey, uh, you don't mind
if I rob you blind,
cheat you of
all your money,
and, uh, make you
penniless, do you?
( speaking Chinese)
ALEX:
Elaine, hello?
ELAINE ( sleepily ):
Yes, Alex.
Oh, listen, I think
I need your help.
I, uh, have a Chinese
gentleman in my cab
who doesn't speak
a word of English,
and I think he's just
in from Hong Kong,
and he's a little confused
about our currency.
I mean, he's trying to
give me what looks like
900 bucks
to go on a two-mile trip.
ELAINE ( over radio ):
All right!
Well, I guess it's
a tough choice.
Oh, uh...
Here we are, sir.
That's where
you want to go.
Well, uh...
that about covers
it, I guess.
( speaking Chinese )
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, thank you
very much, no.
I don't want...
No, please...
( speaking Chinese )
No, no, sir.
Look, no, no,
I can't take that.
No, no, no, sir, I can't...
I can't even take this.
Look, uh, you, uh...
I take you on short ride.
You give me much money...
for short ride.
Now I'm talking like Tonto.
Tonto-- Hi-ho, Silver!
No, no...
I... I can't take it.
I can't take it.
Here, that's for you.
This is enough.
This is for me, see?
Just five-- five bucks.
Oh...
( speaking Chinese)
Yeah.
ELAINE:
Alex?
Yeah, Elaine?
You didn't take the money,
did you?
No, I didn't, Elaine.
But I did learn something
about myself tonight, Elaine.
No matter how competitive
I might be,
when it comes right down to it,
there's a quality in me
that prevails over everything,
let me tell you.
Your stupidity.
You got it.
( humming )
MAN:
Hey, driver.
Oh, yeah.
That's the U.N.
Oh, so it is.
This is the second time
we've passed it.
I didn't want you
to miss it.
You're trying
to run up this fare.
You're crazy.
No, I'm not.
I'm Inspector Ryan,
New York Taxi Commission.
Pull it over.
I'm writing you out
a summons, mister.
Let me see your hack license.
There!
Is that your full name--
Tony Banta?
Yeah.
Hey, this sure doesn't look
like your picture.
It was taken
when I was sick...
and stupid.
I didn't see
any ID from you...
big guy.
Here you are.
Are these your kids?
Yep.
Reminds me of a chimp act
I once saw.
You know,
I'm going to see to it
that you never drive
a cab in this city again.
( mutters mockingly )
In fact, I'm going
to confiscate your license.
Eh.
Now, get this hack right back
in the garage, Banta.
Give my regards, and a banana,
to your family.
You know, I'm going to love
seeing you hung out to dry,
wise guy.
Bobby Wheeler,
reporting for duty.
BOBBY:
Alex: $106.40!
De Palma: $147.
Look, Alex,
you've only got another hour
and you're way behind.
ALEX:
Oh, now I'm being hailed down
by a little old lady
with eight bags of groceries.
Oh, no, Alex,
she'll take forever.
You-you'll have
to carry her bags
and she'll only want to go
a couple of blocks.
Aw, forget it--
this contest is over.
Besides, she's waving
her vegetables at me.
I'm afraid
I've got lots of bags.
Yeah, I'm afraid
you do, too.
That's all right.
I'll-I'll load your...
I'll load your
groceries for you.
I hope
this won't put you out.
Not at all.
Here you go.
These groceries
are for my friends.
They can't get around
as well as I.
Ah-hah.
Now, that one is for Ethel,
who lives in the Bronx.
Bronx, huh?
Mm-hmm.
And those are for Cora
who lives in Brooklyn.
Brooklyn, huh?
Mm-hmm.
And that's for Virginia
out on Long Island.
Long Island?
Mm-hmm.
And who is this for?
Oh, those are mine.
And where do you live?
I live in New Jersey.
New Jersey?!
I hope you have
a lot of gas.
Well, if I run out,
I'll push.
( laughs )
LOUIE:
It can't be.
It is.
The De Palma luck strikes again.
2120 Ninth Avenue in Brooklyn.
Mm.
Just one thing
could make this perfect.
This is my first time
in New York.
That's it.
Um...
( clears throat )
It'll be $22.50, please.
No, it's not.
What are you talking about?
I've been counting
the clicks on the meter.
Clicks?
It now reads
exactly six dollars.
You're a very
dishonest person.
I think I'd better
warn you--
I happen to be a very
big, muscular guy.
Then you must be talking
out of your belly button.
Here's your six dollars.
You got a lot of nerve
calling yourself
handicapped!
BOBBY:
Okay, Alex, Louie, time's up.
Bring 'em in.
What's with her?
She hasn't said a word
in three hours.
Okay, Jeff,
Louie's total is $212.30.
( cabbies murmuring )
Ooh!
Well, Elaine...
You don't mind me
calling you Elaine?
Don't think
I can't be tender.
Sure, I play the
tough guy sometimes...
but I think
you'll find that...
underneath I can be...
warm...
and thrilling.
And, yes...
a little vulnerable.
Would it spoil this moment
for you if I threw up?
Hey, Louie, you haven't won yet,
you know.
Come on, count this up.
Ooh, yeah.
Oh, oh, Tony,
lie if you have to.
One ninety-seven.
( shouts happily )
( humming )
* He wins, he wins!
Nyah!
Hey, listen, folks,
I'm sorry.
I, uh, I did my best.
I...
Nyah!
Hey, Alex.
Hey, Alex, you did great, man,
and I'll tell you
I think you're taking
this loss really well.
Thanks, Tony.
Get your hands off me.
Hey, what's that?
My tips.
Well, uh, uh,
don't tips count?
I don't know.
Hey, we said the
guy who brings in
the most money wins
and tips are money.
Oh, that's right!
I-I've seen them.
I know that for a fact--
it's money.
LOUIE:
Oh, no.
No, no. Tips
don't count!
It's what's on the meter
that counts.
We never said
tips don't count, Louie.
We never said they do, either.
Hey, hey, listen,
if I'd have thought for a second
that tips counted,
I could've pulled in
more than...
80 cents.
Admit it, Louie,
80 cents is a record for you.
You must be more nauseating
on the road
than you are in the garage.
Okay, I got
40 bucks here!
( cheering )
I got you beat,
Louie!
No, no, no!
No, Rieger,
tips don't count!
( all yelling at once )
Hold it!
( whistling loudly )
Hold it!
Now, listen,
we all got
something at stake
here, right?
Now, the only
fair thing to do
is get, like, an
objective bystander
you know, to-to
settle the question.
Somebody who didn't
bet on the race.
LOUIE:
Everybody bet
on this race.
Tips don't count.
Not everybody.
You want a bite?
Latka.
Latka who loves me.
That's right.
Latka who fears me.
Right.
Latka who owes his job to me.
Yes.
Good, old, impartial Latka.
Now, hold it right there, Louie.
You can't threaten Latka's job.
Now, look, I'm willing
to let Latka decide,
and I'll stand by it,
but if you put
this kind of pressure on him,
this whole fiasco's off,
you understand?
Okay, Latka.
( grunts softly )
No... no... no pressure.
Decide away.
Come on, Latka,
is it Alex or Louie?
Be impartial,
Latka. Impartial.
Okay.
Well...
I tell you...
I tell you something.
You know, I... I do love Louie.
And Louie loves Latka.
Thank you
very much.
And I, also,
I do love Alex, too.
And Alex loves Latka.
Yeah, she's right.
Thank you very much.
You know, this... this is
a wonderful place to work.
Thank you very much.
Get over here!
And decide!
Decide what?
About... about the contest!
Oh.
Why, what is the question?
Do tips count?
Oh, of course they do.
( cheering )
( taunting Louie )
All right,
all right
listen up here.
Okay, listen up here
for a second.
I just want to say one thing.
I hope you all die.
( theme music playing )
WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.
( grunts )