Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 8, Episode 2 - A Novel About Russian Gulags - full transcript

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Hello!

And welcome to that Taskmaster show.

It's only episode two, so, as things
are still fresh and exciting,

let's press on and enjoy it while it
lasts.

Your five champion candidates are
Iain Stirling,

Joe Thomas,

Lou Sanders,

Paul Sinha

and Sian Gibson!

And, here, a man whose name you
never hear before the words

"scrubs up well",



it's little Alex Horne!

Hit me!

Well, you wouldn't want me to
because I've been going to the gym.

Yeah?

Early days, still, but it's tough
because I want to use the machines

and you know it says on them you've
got to read

all the instructions first?

I've been going four months, still
doing that, still doing that.

This is the rowing machine one. Yep.

Five different languages.

This is the drinks machine. Yep.

Because you should...you should
read them.

You did plan this and it's just...

It's just... There's a fundamental



difference between what Alex and I
find funny.

Yeah.

I'm happy to be outvoted,
but, to be outvoted,

you'd need to laugh.

ONE PERSON LAUGHS

See?

On we go! Let's get the prize task
happening, please.

This week we've asked them to bring
in the best pair of things.

The winner at the end of the episode
will go home with not five

but ten whole things!

That's a lot of things.

Sian?

Erm, I've got a pair of, erm,
Shirley Bassey's pop socks.

Shut up. Real?

Seriously, seriously.

I'm 98% sure they're hers.

98? That's an interesting
percentage.

The ones you brought in are there.

What's the 98%?

Why are you almost sure

they're Shirley Bassey's?

So, I went to see a concert that
Shirley Bassey was at.

I went backstage, passed her
dressing room and, erm,

she'd gone. She'd long gone. Ah...

I went in, they were on the floor.

Yeah. I don't know whose else they
could be.

Well, I did some research.

I wrote to Dame Shirley, but I got
an e-mail back

from Dame Shirley Bassey's PA in
Monaco. Lovely.

"Unfortunately it's impossible to
confirm. So, it would be most

"unusual that we would have a pair
of pop socks in the dressing room,

"so my instinct is that they are not
belonging to Dame Shirley."

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Well, whose are they?

I think you're lying.

Well, there we go, that's the first
one. Who's next?

Er, yeah, Dame Joe Thomas.

What pair of things did you bring
in?

I brought a pair of diamond
earrings.

There we go.

There they are. There they are.

That's a prize. A pair of earrings
is failure route one,

but if they're sufficiently
valuable... Yeah, well, don't worry.

..then you could be looking at a
pretty sweet position, here.

Hope so because they are valuable.

Well, how much were they?

I think they were...they were...they
were £2,735.

OK, well, I know for a fact that
Alex knows how much they were.

How much were they, Alex?

Well, it says, the description,
weirdly, "100% brand-new."

IAIN: So, you know they're good!

"High quality alloy."

£2.21, that's for the pair.

Well, that's rubbish, last place.

Iain Stirling, can you beat a
rubbish pair of earrings?

Hopefully.

So, when you said to pair, to me, I
immediately thought double act.

And who are the most famous double
act on television?

Erm, Morecambe and Wise.

Dick and Dom, correct.

In Da Bungalow, the gritty BAFTA
award-winning television show.

Yep.

So I have got a song, if you will,
from Dick and Dom

to the winner of tonight's episode
of Taskmaster.

Yes, here it is.

# Well, you ran around and you did
some tasks and you did whatever

# Greg Davies asked

# Iain Stirling called us to write
this song

# So congratulations from Dick and
Dom.

# Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi. #

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

Oi, oi, oi, oi!

On the set of their new train
station show.

Dick and Dom's combined age is the
same as the Dalai Lama.

Wow.

Dom's 21, Dick is 62.

Incredible. OK...

Er, Lou?

Er, we'll wait to see it.

OK.

So, it's a pair of breasts on
slippers.

What's nicer than slippers and
breasts listening to music!

Well, hello, you've got all three,
OK?

Right. Do they come with the radios,
is that...?

I just got an elastic band and just
popped that round.

You just added those radios
yourself?

I did that.

It's a lovely reminder of childhood,
listening to crackly radio

while you snuggle up to your mum's
feet tits.

Well, there's one person left. Do
you want to move on to Paul? Yeah.

This was a house-warming gift from
my mum and dad,

who go on more holidays than I do

because they, sort of, invested
well,

and...

..in 2002, I bought my first home
and they presented me with the most

wonderful house-warming gift that
they picked up

from their holiday to China.

Here it is.

There are lots of reasons to love
your mum and dad.

The best reason is they cannot see
anything in this picture

that everybody else can see with
their...

I mean, it's a really disturbing
picture.

I'm going to give some points out
really quickly. OK.

Are you ready? Yes.

Surprise, surprise, one point for
the super cheap hearings.

I mean... Joe Thomas. Thank you very
much.

I really love that panda picture,
so I'm going to give Dick and Dom

and the panda picture four points.

Three points to Lou and five points
to Sian...

..because I believe they're Shirley
Bassey's pop socks.

Right, come on then, what's
happening now?

Er, we've got a task, and, sneakily,

this one involves disguising a
disguise.

Oh, this is fancy.

A clue, isn't it?

"Put something on your face that
looks like a moustache

"from a long distance away..."

"..but when you get up close, you
realise it's something

"completely different to what you
thought."

"You have ten minutes to plan your
moustache

"and ten further minutes to make
your moustache."

"Most unexpected moustache wins.

"Your time starts now."

Your time starts now!

Erm, I'll start...I'll start...

..planning.
I'll just plan here, at the table.

Do you understand the task? I do
understand the task, yeah,

you make a...

I think you want something with
small detail.

I'm channelling Father Christmas, so
I want something white,

like a baby mouse?

Oh, I don't want a dead...I don't
want a dead mouse on my face.

But do you want a live mouse?
No, I don't. Don't. Scrap that.

It's just hard to get away from
ants, I mean, it's really...

How many ants?

Well, you know, 50.

50 really good ones.

Sometimes my mind is not my friend.

What were you thinking of this time,
Lou?

Pubes!

Please don't put that in the show.

OK, well, the way it's going to work
is this, Greg.

You're going to look at the
moustache from a distance,

then you have to guess what you
think it actually is. OK.

The most unexpected moustache wins.

We're to find out who is the
"Tachemaster".

Ready?

Man...

OK, let's go.

OK, here's Lou and Iain first.

OK. Iain Stirling.

Well, I can only tell you what I
see, and what I see

is a small, cut-out picture of a
Vulcan bomber.

And I think that Lou has cut out the
mouth section

of a teddy bear.

OK.

We will now zoom in, here we go.

So, fake flies... Fake flies.

..and real mealworms.

Real mealworms.

Absolutely disgusting.

And then we have Iain's.

Yep.

So, it's a map of a large village in
Hampshire called Liphook.

Liphook, cos it's on his lip.

Yep, and a little picture of Iain as
well.

That's me on the map.

Yeah, go on, who's next?

Oh, wait, you could have discussed
it a bit! No. There was a pun.

It's the Liphook thing's annoyed me.

OK, Greg, what do you think they've
got on their upper lips?

Hmm... Hmm.

Joe, genuinely what I see

is the novelty Doctor Who assistant,
K9.

For younger people,

K9 was a really terrible robot dog.

Yeah.

That's what I think it is.

OK.

And nothing will change my mind.

OK.

Sian, I think it is the headless
body of a toy cow

is what I think it is.

A Jersey. OK, a cow carcass.

Yeah.

Well, here is the detail.

It's something, isn't it?

It's something.

It's a few moustaches.
Mansell, Gooch, Selleck.

I don't know, Joe, I quite like the
fact that you've got

lots of moustaches together and
they're celebrity moustaches.

It doesn't make me as angry as I
thought it might. OK. Oh, OK.

And Sian. Sian.

It's hair from a Barbie.

It's Barbie hair and Alex's face.

OK.

Are you pleased with that?

Not really.

You should have written "Liphook" in
the hair.

The most surprising moustache,
a moustache.

I know. It's madness to think that
you could possibly

come below that.

Right, order! Order!

And now for some adverts.

Hello and welcome back to
Taskmaster!

Alex, what was going on just a few
minutes ago?

Well, before the break, we were
feasting our eyes

on the hairy upper lips of our
patrons.

Yes, they've been making moustaches
that look like moustaches

'from a distance but, up close,
they're something different
altogether.

Now it's time to see Paul Sinha!

Ooh! Wow.

Pretty good!

That, to me, looks like a
magnificent moustache.

It can't be because that's the
game!

It's not a moustache.

What would he do?

What would the Sinha man do?

It's got to be, in another language,
the word "moustache" has got to mean

something, and it'll be that.

I suppose so.

I haven't got a clue,
he's absolutely stumped me.

OK, this is what's going on on
Paul's top lip.

What is it?

It's just an infection.

Come on, Alex, what is it, caviar?

Yeah, sturgeon eggs.
Fish eggs? Yeah.

I mean, it's, er,
it's a work of genius.

Can I also point out that caviar is
stuck to my lip with glue

and, whenever it was falling off,
I'd go, "Ooh, that's delicious

"caviar"? I'd forget that it was
covered in glue, so I had serious

diarrhoea for three days afterwards.

So, let's award some points. OK.

In last place, Sian, because
unfortunately Sian used real hair.

One point to Sian then, obviously,
Liphook's shit.

That gets two points, it doesn't
deserve them. Two points for Iain.

Three points, just because it didn't
look like a moustache

from a distance, although I quite
like the multiple moustaches, Joe.

Oh! Four points because, you know,
it's just a horrible,

twisted monster.

Which one? Er, Lou.

OK.

And, five points, obviously I'm
going to give it to the caviar king,

Paul Sinha. Paul Sinha!

So, what's that done to the scores,
Alex?

Well, I'm afraid Joe is at the
bottom of the leaderboard

with four, then we have Sian with
six, Iain with six,

Lou with seven, but Paul is the
leader with nine points!

Hurray!

Right. Next one, then, please.

Ooh, and look, it's rice time.

Is it rice o'clock?

It's rice already.

Hiya. Oh, hi, there, Lou.

Alex. Hello, Joe.

OK. Oh, right, OK.

I'm enjoying the eyebrows.
Well, you know, what do you expect?

Oh, you've been shopping?

I have, yes.

OK. "Get this rice..."

Oh, I love, erm, I love food.

"Get this rice into the bottle..."

"..in the living room."

"You may only use the shopping
basket and its contents to transport

"and deliver the rice."

"You may not touch the rice with
anything other

"than the shopping basket and its
contents."

"You may not take the bottle out of
the living room.

"The most grains in the bottle
wins.

"You have ten minutes
and you're time starts..."

"..now."

Right. Oh, no! OK.

Very good, sounds pretty
straightforward.

Transport the rice without touching
the rice. Yes. Very nice.

That's it. There's 21,000 grains of
rice, same as the population

of the Orkney Islands, so if you
imagine you're trying

to get all the inhabitants off the
Orkney Islands... Yep.

..you can only use stuff that's
washed up on the beach. Right.

There's been a problem,
the island's got too hot.

Am I popping them in a bottle?
I'm putting them in a bottle.

Yeah, you've got to get them into a
bottle on the mainland. OK.

Who's first?

We're going to look at two of my top
five contestants this year -

it's Sian Gibson and Joe Thomas.
Lovely.

So, that goes in there, and then...

Right, I've got an idea.

Hold on.

SHE CHOKES

That didn't work. That didn't work.

So, I've got a bit of...

..tape.

I mean, that's, like...

Right, I've got another one,
I've got another one. OK.

Erm...

There must be some...

Oh!

Can I get tools from anywhere else,
or...?

Does it say you can't?

It doesn't, er...

Where's the...? Where is it?

Do you know, like, if you can siphon
water

by sucking and blowing... OK.

..through a pipe.

Does my mouth count?

If my mouth touches rice?

Erm, I think so.

Oh, shit.

OK.

That's not... Ah! That's Mango,
isn't it? That's different.

Different to...?

It's different to a bowl, erm...

Oh, my God! I don't know what to do!

Right.

That's a little bit of rice.

Through we go.

OK, where's this jar?

I think I've got this now.

One more trip.

So sorry, someone's going to have to
get the Hoover out.

OK. What would you do with the
breadsticks?

There's a bit of rice in that
bottle.

You didn't say in. There's some on.

On? OK.

On the bottle.

OK, well, thank you, Sian,

I'm going to count the grains of
rice. Bye-bye, Sian.

You did very well, Joe.

Well, there's certainly some bad
news for the residents

of the Orkney Islands, isn't there?

I mean, Sian, we all know that if
you suck water

through a hose, I don't know what
the scientific reason

'for the water will keep flowing on
its own, do you?
I think it's just lucky.

It's just lucky. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, did you really think you
could get the same effect with rice?

Yes.

If you suck a bit of rice,
the rest will follow?

It's madness!

I think we can safely say I failed
that, didn't we?

Oh, God, yeah.

Well, Sian transported 28% of the
grains of rice.

Joe, did you save some Orkney
islanders?

Oh, my God, yeah, I wouldn't let
those...those guys down.

He saved 18,000 Orkney islanders.

Imagine that. 85%. Yeah.
Of the island? Of the island.

Pretty good.

So, Greg, are we gonna move on?
Yeah.

Probably worth remembering the very
clear and simple rules. Yep.

Number one, you may not touch the
rice with anything other

than the shopping basket and its
contents. One.

And, number two, you may not take
the bottle out of the living room.

Otherwise, you just go and get the
bottle, scoop up the rice

in any old thing and put it in the
bottle.

Yes, and that wouldn't really be a
task, would it?

That would just be you putting some
rice in a bottle.

Who's next?

It's Paul.

Here you go.

Didn't go so well.

I think there might be a more
practical way of doing this.

Well, that's not as hollow as I was
hoping, I'll be honest with you.

TAKES A BIG SLURPING BITE

Let me get some into the bowl.

There's always a bloody trick

in the question, isn't there?

Nowhere did it say you couldn't

bring the bottle in here.

"You may not take the bottle
out of the living room."

WHISTLE BLOWS

Thank you, Paul.

Didn't do too badly this time.

It's a very rare treat on a
television programme

to see someone lose their job

on a different television programme.

It's the end of part two.

Not long now until someone wins
Lou's slip-on boobs

and Shirley Bassey's pop socks.

Exciting.

Now fan me!

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

It is the start of part three.

Oh, it really is, isn't it? Mm.

The current task involves using
mangoes, breadsticks, honey,

a comb, straws, a pumice stone,
sticky tape, Blu-Tack or a balloon

to transport as much rice as
possible into a bottle

in another room.

We've seen Joe and Sian do that and

Paul do something completely
different.

Finally, it's Lou, which is short
for Lou Sanders, and Iain Stirling.

The main thing is just not to panic

and just to do this logically.

"You may not touch the rice with
anything other

"than the shopping basket and its
contents."

Erm...

Right, yeah?

That's a carry pot.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm out of ideas.

Not touching.

Is this timed?
Yes, you've got six minutes left.

All right. In she goes.

I've had a bit of an idea.

It ain't half sticky, is it?

How many minutes left?

Three minutes and 50 seconds.

Please, baby...

We are flying!

Come on, boy!

You are a genius, Stirling.

Look at that steady flow.

WHISTLE BLOWS

I'm quite pleased with that,
actually.

When I first saw Lou's elasto-glove
system,

I thought that Sian was off the
hook.

And yet, incredible. Incredible from
both of them, really.

Mm, she cleaned the jar, that's the
key. That's the key.

Yeah. A woman.

A better woman.

I mean, I was just genuinely
impressed. Yeah.

Her plan was to empty the honey into
a bowl so that other people

could eat it, which is very nice,
whereas Iain, instantly, straight

on the floor.

Chucked it out,
but he wanted to save people.

I don't like food waste.

No.

I don't like people on the Orkney
Islands dying.

Lou saved all, I would say,
all the men and all the women,

and just left the children.

79%.

So, points-wise, Paul is either one
or zero.

He broke the rules, no points.

No points to Paul.

I'm not complaining whatsoever.
I utterly deserve it.

No, of course, you're a reasonable
man. Thank you, Paul.

Let's give Paul a...
Let's give him a bonus point.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Sian, two points for saving 28%.

Happy with that.

Iain saved 74%, gets three points.

Lou saved 79%, gets four points,

but Joe is the winner, saving 85%
of them, getting five points!

Yes. Wow

Another one, please.

Good idea and it's team time!

Hiya! Oh, hello, Sian.

Hello, Paul. Good morning, Alex.

Please don't touch that just yet.

Ah.

Good Lord. Ah!

You got my order.

Hello. Why are you in your dressing
gown?

Little treasure chest. Go on, sorry.

Nothing. Hiya. Oh, sorry.

Am I, er...interrupting?

Oh, hello! Hello, hi. All right?

Oh, you've got a cup of tea.
Yeah, yeah, I have.

How are you doing? I'm all right,
thanks, and you?

Yeah, I'm all right, yeah, yeah, not
too bad.

Who's that?

Sian, you can open the task.

OK.

Right.

"Tell your team-mates what is in
this chest."

"Your team-mate must not see what is
in the chest.

"After reading the task out, you may
not speak again

"until the task is over."

"In the first minute, you may only
use facial expressions."

"In the second minute, you may only
make noises."

"In the third minute, you may only
shout adjectives.

"From then on, you may only whisper
verbs.

"Fastest correct communication
wins."

"Your time starts..."

Are you ready? I'm ready.

"..now."

That's weird, innit?

I'm just a weird guy.
Just a weird guy.

I mean, I was initially going to
focus on your meeting

being the most awkward

and then...
Can we show his face again?

Oh, why?!

I mean, that to me is the face of
someone who's watching a human

transform into a lizard or
something.

I mean, what the hell?
What were you doing?!

You're going to have to wait, you're
going to have to wait and see.

It's the other team first,
I'm afraid. Oh, God, OK.

It's the fun guys.
It's Iain, Lou and Paul.

Just facial expressions, please.

Er... Erm, we can't see your
facial...

'Superman?

'Erm, the sun?

'It's like the sun, er...

'A torch?

'Your face is staying very the same.

'Erm, oh! Morning, morning.

'Morning, staring, focusing.

'Sunshine. Glasses.

'It's something to do with...

'Oh! The view, the view, the view.

'A picture of the view?

'Hope!

Just noises now, please,
Paul, noises.

PAUL MAKES "MM" NOISES

'A gag.

'A ball gag. Hill!

'Yes.

'Sunrise, sunset?

'Sunrise, sunset.

It's a bit like sunrise, sunset.
Just noises, please, just noises.

'The Mooncup.

'Any other noises apart from "mm"?

'Daybreak? Hormones?

'Is it hormones?

Please shout some adjectives.

Directional!

'Compass! Yes, well done.

Stop the clock. Well done, team.

I was pointing out that thing on the
wall, looking at that thing

on the wall. Oh...

A few guesses. Yeah, interesting.

So, Paul was allowed initially to
use only facial expressions

but he opted for one facial
expression.

That's my acting range, Greg. Yep.

And then you were allowed to only
use noises

and you opted for "mm"?

Some of Lou's suggestions for what

was in the box were interesting.

"Morning".

"Hope".

She also said "the Mooncup".

A Mooncup. Do you know what a
Mooncup is?

At a special time of the month, it
collects your menstrual blood.

Menstrual fluid.

And it's very economical for the
environment and the wallet.

And she thought we put it in the
chest.

The old menstrual Mooncup.

"Mm, mm."

Menstrual Mooncup.

I'd like to see the other team.

OK, well, they got two minutes and
four seconds.

Here come the actors - Joe and Sian.

OK, ah...

Obviously looking around, up, er...

'Is it to do with tennis?

What is it? Forehead?

You think there's a forehead in the
chest?

Er, well...is it to do with the
face?

You may now make noises.

I'm terribly sorry.
Just noises, please.

That was awful from me. Erm...

Just noises.

Mm.

Mm, mm.

Mm. Mm.

I wish I knew what that was.

Up, down, left, right.

Erm... Just noises.

'Compass?

'It's compass!

'Ah!

That is... Wow! I mean, tell you
what, I tell you what,

well done.

You used the same noise system as
Paul, interestingly.

Not opening your mouth at all.

"Mm?"

It's the universal noise for
compass.

OK, here we go, Sian and Joe can
have three points, Lou, Iain

and Paul can have two points each.

There we go. Sian and Jo, well done.

So, what do the current scores look
like?

Well, you won't believe it, it's
very surprising, there are only

two points separating first and
last. Shut up.

Lou is in the lead with 13.

Whoa!

OK, here comes a massive splurge
of adverts - sorry about that.

Hello, hope you had a nice nap, but
wake up now! We're back on.

What's next, Alex?

Well, it's a task and it's this
task.

Hello, mate.

Oh, hello, Lou.

Please stand this side of the rope.
Sure.

Fuck it.

Good luck.

I'm, oh...

"Travel the furthest distance while
making a constant noise

"with your mouth."

"You must start travelling in 30
seconds from now."

So, it's got to be a constant noise?

Yeah, I'm going to release you...

OK. ..in 25 seconds now.

I'm a bit out of breath, you see.

Any sort of noise with your mouth.

Not one breath, I can just make
different breaths?

Well, as long as it's constant, as
long as the noise doesn't...

"That sounds like a gap between
them." Oh.

Furthest goes fastest, yeah?

Do you know what I mean?

You think the faster you go the
further you go? Yeah. OK.

That's true, isn't it? OK.

You're going to be coming through
here... But that's true, isn't it?

I'm going to release you in 15
seconds.

Can you just tell me that's true?

Any questions?

Not really.

Just briefly, why were you out of
breath before you did the task?

The walk across the field.

I just walked across the field.

And I genuinely started reading the
task and thought, "How have I got

"out of breath?

"I need to reassess everything."

Oh, listen, well, it's almost
certainly

an underlying heart problem.

Erm, good!

Here are Paul Sinha and Iain
Stirling, together forever.

I've never done this before.
Have you not?

OK, well, here we go. Good luck.

Off you go.

A-a-ah...

IAIN BEATBOXES

..a-a-ah!

PAUL GETS OUT OF BREATH

IAIN CONTINUES BEATBOXING

HE STOPS BEATBOXING

Oh, have you stopped?

I got tired.

Sorry, I got tired as well.

Where did you stop?

Here.

On my...trousers.

You've got it on your leg!

You took a breath right at the...

Did I? ..the flag, yeah.

Why did you do that? Ran out...

Because I ran out of breath. Ran out
of breath, you needed to breathe.

Yeah. Yeah. I have very poor vital
capacity.

Yeah, no, yes, no, I saw that.

Oh, well, thank you. Bye.

IAIN BEATBOXES AGAIN

Bluh-bluh-bluh, rewind-ah!

"Very poor vital capacity". Yeah.

But how lovely to see one of the
deleted scenes from

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

Played out for eight seconds!

Iain, you know, pretty funky
attempt,

but that was not a continuous sound.

It was, yeah, the...
Nope, it wasn't.

..the beat, in-between everything,
there was the beat...

Oh, the silence between those beats?
There wasn't any.

If it was a beat!

It sounded to me like you were
saying "butter Gazza" over and over.

I was saying "boots and cats".
Boots and cats.

That's how you do beatboxing. Is
it? Boots and cats. Boots and cats.

THEY BEATBOX

Then you've got "ra-rewind".

Oh, that's so good. Mm.

There's no gaps in it, though.

Oh, there's definitely gaps.

Yeah, I've represented it as a
waveform. Oh, of course you have.

It's always going!

No, those little bits are just
atmospheric noise, I'm afraid.

But, you know, even though you're
not going to get any points,

I mean, remember that?

Who's next?

It's the noisy athletes - Lou,

Jo and Sian.

Three, two, one.

E-e-e!

O-o-oh!

A-a-ah.

E-e-e! Hee-hee-hee!

Hee-hee-hee-hee!

Ooh!

SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH
O-o-oh!

A-a-ah.

E-e-e!

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

Do you think you've got to there?

Yeah.

Was it constant?

Yeah.

Ooh...

SHE TAKES A BREATH

O-o-oh!

A-a-AH!

I can't run any more!

Have you just stopped, have you?

Yeah!

No breaks?

No.

What an annoying noise, really, from
a nice girl.

JOE GURGLES

HE RUNS OUT OF BREATH

WHISTLE BLOWS

It's honestly...

..just dehumanising.

Bloody hell.

Again, you confound me, like,
you know, you just look like

you're having a lovely time.

Just running in the wind, shouting,

and then you end it with a phrase

that I would expect to read in a
novel about Russian Gulags.

It's not supposed to be
dehumanising.

It's just a bit of fun!

And this is the second time that
we've seen Sian clearly make

a mistake and then say,
"No, I'm just carrying on anyway."

So, we'll start off with Sian and
Lou, who both ran 38.1 metres

and 39.9 metres by Lou. Just ahead.

Paul ran for 22 metres.

That's one 20,000th of the Grand
Canyon.

And 98 metres there for Joe.

That's the length of Big Ben,
if it was on its side.

And then, finally, Iain,

the noise stopped there,
after one metre.

One metre, there.

So it goes one point to Iain, two
points to Paul, three points

to Sian, four points to Lou, five
points to the howler, Mr Joe Thomas!

Lovely!

Very good. Right!

Up you go, right now, to the stage
for the final task

of the show!

I'm very excited because I play an
active part in this.

Yes, you do.

Perhaps you'd like to get someone to
read out the task.

I've popped it on Joe Thomas's table
today.

Well, let me, er...

Thanks. Thank you.

"Say a species of bird, eat a grape,
then shout a competitor's name

"within five seconds of hearing your
own name.

"If you fail to say a different
species of bird, pop a grape

"in your mouth and shout a
competitor's name within five

"seconds of hearing your own name,

"you will be eliminated.

"You must not say any bird that has
previously been said

"during the task.

"Last remaining player wins."

What do we do with these?

You must pop them on because that
torch is blinding.

And I'm starting with...

..Lou.

Grouse.

Paul. Swallow.

Lou. Erm, seagull.

Iain. Falcon.

Joe.

Nightingale, Sian.

Chaffinch...

..Paul!

Ptarmigan, Joe.

Woodcock.

Ian.

Ballaflew.

Lou.

Hen, Joe.

Blackbird, Ian.

Chicken...

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

So, a lot's gone on there.

We had hen and chicken, and then we
had a Ballaflew.

I'm going to be honest with you,
when I made that one up,

I didn't think the game was going to
continue.

Are we allowed chicken? Yeah.

It's a different word.
No, sorry, you're out.

Really sorry.

But Ballaflew was fine?! Yeah.

Let's play on, Alex.

OK. Your name, please, Greg.

Joe.

Manx shearwater.

Sian.

Whoa!

Duckling.

ALARM GOES OFF

OK, we've lost Sian.

We've lost Sian. Oh!

Sorry. Paul, it's with you, sir.

Penguin, Joe.

Puffin, Paul.

Owl, Joe.

Oh...

A-a-aw...

Argh?

ALARM GOES OFF

We've lost the bird expert.

Wow.

And I'm starting with you, Lou.

So, this is the final.
Yeah, I know, yeah.

Chaffinch, Paul.

Oh, wait... Stop!
We've had chaffinch.

Lou's out.

Paul is the winner.

Come down and let's see how it's
affected the final scores!

What was all that about, then?

Well, it was a great game of Bird,
Grape, Torch. Really good.

Really good game.

Iain got one, Sian got two, Joe
three, despite knowing birds

like Manx shearwater.

Mm, yeah.

That is weird, isn't it?

Lou came second.
Paul Sinha won five points!

Retaining his job after the rice
fiasco.

And it's close at the top of the
leaderboard. Oh, my God.

Joe Thomas on 20, but the winner of
this episode

is Lou Saunders with 21 points!

Lou Saunders has won!
Please get up and pair up!

Thank you.

So what have we learned today?

We've learnt that if you find
yourself on the quiz

The Chase facing the Sinha man,
don't panic.

He can only go for eight seconds.

And we've also learned that Lou
Saunders won the show,

so very well done to her.

Farewell, night-night.

Lou Saunders!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media