Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 6 - We Met at Mealtimes - full transcript
Ooh-hoo-hoo! Ooh!
SHE LAUGHS
Oh!
Come on! Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, and welcome
to Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davies.
Now, I'm a powerful man
in many, many ways,
but I have just one superpower,
and that is to award
one of our desperate participants
enough points to head home
with this glorious,
perhaps perfect, trophy.
I enjoy the power enormously.
But which one of the following names
will be etched beneath my chin
by the end of this series?
Please welcome them.
Alice Levine,
Asim Chaudhry,
Liza Tarbuck,
Russell Howard
and Tim Vine!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And next to me,
with boundless enthusiasm
and an optimistic, can-do attitude
that I couldn't despise more
if I tried,
it's little Alex Horne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Just Alex Horne is fine.
I've got you a present
cos I really like you. Oh, yeah?
LAUGHTER
I know how much you like Japan
and puzzles... I do like...
I do like Japan.
LAUGHTER
..and little squares of numbers,
so I've got you sudoku. Oh, lovely.
Do you want to do a sudoku?
I'd love to have a go at a sudoku.
There we go. Thank you. I've had it
tattooed on my tummy, as you asked.
LAUGHTER
Ready? Yeah.
It was really painful.
Look at this.
LAUGHTER
Increasing these little sections
are just a cry for attention,
aren't they?
LAUGHTER
What are you doing? Oh.
LAUGHTER
Good.
LAUGHTER
Let's crack on.
What's this week's Prize Task?
This time, we've asked them
to bring in the best thing
that they've invented. Wow. Ooh.
Greg's going to judge the inventions
and give the best inventor
five whole points.
At the end of the show,
the person with the most points will
take home all of the inventions.
That's how it works.
HE WOLF WHISTLES
OK, Russell Howard, tell me
what you've invented, please,
and make it good.
It's called cup cereal.
Now, our mum would never
let us have supper.
We weren't allowed cereal after tea,
but we devised a system.
You put the spoon in the cup,
but it can't go up
cos then Mum would see.
And then, while she's watching
Birds Of A Feather
or something like that,
you just slowly eat
the cereal like that,
and she thinks
you're having a drink.
I think your mum would see through
the picture I've got.
LAUGHTER
Well, Russell,
this is what I've got to say to you.
I regularly eat cereal out of a cup
when I haven't been bothered
to wash my bowls.
So, I don't think you have
invented it because I use it.
Do you use it? Well, Kellogg's sells
cereal in a cup. So do Cheerios.
LAUGHTER
Thank you. Right, who's next?
Asim. Asim. Well, I have a very...
You know, a great love for trainers
and I always have.
And I went to the Nike factory.
It's like the Willy Wonka
chocolate factory. OK. Proper sick.
And I designed my own little
Air Max 97 3-D printed shoe.
Ooh, here it is.
LAUGHTER
You didn't invent the 3-D printer,
right? No. No.
Or the design process? No.
LAUGHTER
I just thought I'd tell you that
Adidas do sell 3-D printed trainers,
and so do Kellogg's and Cheerios.
LAUGHTER
They are quite common now.
OK, Tim Vine.
Well, you know in the theatre
where they have stage daggers?
And it's like a plastic knife.
You used to get them
in toy shops, as well.
And you push it like that
and the knife goes into the handle.
It was a big ambition of mine
to have one at primary school.
Exactly. One of those. Yeah, yeah.
I thought to myself
that it would be humorous
to take on stage with me
a stage spade.
OK, here's the video.
Oh, there we are!
LAUGHTER
Eh?
LAUGHTER
Don't you love the way
it retracted, as well?
APPLAUSE
I mean, this is the worst round one
we've ever had.
Two left, though. Two left.
Liza, you can save this.
Cacti chausseur. The pessimist
in me is thinking... It's fashion.
It's all the rage.
..that you've just glued
two cactuses to some shoes.
No, I haven't. No, no, no.
No, I haven't.
LAUGHTER
Here they are.
LAUGHTER
What is their primary purpose?
Fashion? Fashion.
Well, they're an invention.
Jesus Christ!
LAUGHTER
Alice, I'm not being funny - I think
this show might get cancelled
if you don't pull something
out of the bag.
Have you ever been out and about
and you've thought,
"Oh, I've hardly got any battery"?
But Alex, however,
with his smartphone,
he has battery to spare.
Can I just say,
what I would do in that situation is
I would take
Alex's phone from him. Yeah.
OK, imagine you're out and about
with someone you respect.
OK.
LAUGHTER
So, this happened to me,
and I was on the train
with my friend James, and I said,
"Let me tether for battery.
"You feed battery into my phone..."
Right.
"..wirelessly and then
I will have more battery."
And he said no
because that's not a thing.
You're tethering for battery.
I've got your initial designs.
Thank you.
That's what you came up with.
If you look where it says laptops,
that's a really good example
cos you can also tether for battery
with laptops.
I think that's explained
everything there is to explain.
You've come up with an idea.
That much, I will give you.
Yes. Yes.
But you can't just say,
"I've invented something."
I've invented tethering battery.
That's like me saying, "Oh, I've got
a hat that turns into a gas."
Have you? No.
LAUGHTER
Greg, you've heard everything.
Oh, God!
I feel so genuinely angry
with you all. It's weird.
I'm going to give Tim five points.
Incredible,
because it's an invention at least.
Don't be pleased with yourself.
LAUGHTER
It is rubbish!
And, Liza, her cactus things
are so rubbish,
but it is technically
a thing that she invented,
so I'll give her three points.
Three points for the cactus shoes.
And the others,
they better thank me for one point.
That's the end of it.
One, one, one, three.
Five points to Tim Vine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right, task, please, Alex.
Great idea, boss.
And Merry Christmas, everyone. What?
Hello.
Are you ready? Uh-oh.
TIM: It looks like magic snow stuff,
I think, isn't it?
I think it could be, possibly.
Oh, it's still kind of growing. Mm.
"Make the best snow globe."
"You have ten minutes
to order your elements."
"Then 20 minutes
to make your snow globe."
"Make the best snow globe."
What is that? So, that's snow.
That's my snow.
That's for inspiration.
Well, can I not have that?
No, that's my snow. Well...
All right.
Maybe I could get
a figurine of Jon Snow
and put him in a snow globe.
Jon Snow from Game Of Thrones
or from the news?
May I look in the kitchen?
Yes, if you just come back
and tell us what you found.
Nothing.
OK. So, I need a container.
If you can, get me
some chocolate snowflakes.
Can I get loads of
cotton wool balls, please?
I need you to get me a snow globe.
Get me one can of shaving cream.
Some pipe cleaners.
One condom and one massive balloon.
Can I get some face meat?
What are you talking about?
Just some ham that has,
like, a face printed on it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Who are we going to see first?
We're going to start with
two of the others.
We're going to start with Liza,
and I think, if you don't mind,
Tim Vine.
Yeah, OK. OK, here we go.
Now, I've picked this
cos it might work a treat.
Let's see, anyway.
Let's get on with it.
These are the elements.
I'm going to take my hat off.
I just don't even know
how this is going to work.
Oh, mother of God!
Then like that.
I mean, already,
it's screaming Christmas at me.
HE LAUGHS
In with the snow.
How much is going in?
All of it. Don't you think? Yes.
And we're going
to have ourselves a party.
Uh-oh.
He's wearing green gloves.
HE CHUCKLES
LAUGHTER
He's holding the sledge.
He's bringing the sledge home.
This, obviously, I'm hoping
will create the effect I'm after.
SHE CHUCKLES
SHE LAUGHS
So, there it is.
It's like a showbiz sandstorm.
Nobody knows
what the hell's going on.
LAUGHTER
Right, OK. Away you go.
LAUGHTER
There he is. There's the sledge.
Shall we turn it off
and see how the snow falls? Yes.
It's nice, isn't it?
And every way you look,
he's left elements of his smile.
LAUGHTER
Would you just hold that
for a minute? Yes.
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Bye.
APPLAUSE
So, what was the creature
that you put into a blender?
No, it was a snowman...
A snowman. ..wearing green gloves.
Or with an absolutely banging pair
of green breasts.
LAUGHTER
What, like this?
Breasts tend to be more
in the centre, like that.
They were like...
I'm from the Midlands.
LAUGHTER
I actually thought
yours was beautiful.
Thanks. Really enchanting.
Yours wasn't. Yours was just like
an awful Christmas Armageddon.
LAUGHTER
Terrible news - it's time for
some advertising. Bye for now.
'Two.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where we are feeling festive.
Yes, we are, Greg. Before the break,
we saw Tim and Liza try to make
the best snow globe. Who's next?
Next up, it's Alice and Asim.
I can't wait for the condom.
Happy Christmas!
LAUGHTER
I'm going to start with,
like, kind of...
Oh, don't worry.
We'll get those later.
I need to make my snow.
Add a bit of rice.
OK, got our snow.
Wise Man two.
I'm quite pleased with that
cos it's got a little bit sweatier
than I'd like.
Doesn't have the desired effect
that I was going for,
so we're going to stick
with balloon, I think. OK, guys?
OK. Jon Snow in there.
Oh, this is going to pop.
Oh, shit!
It's actually blowing it up.
Oh, fuck. It's gone down.
Do you see how they've just got
so much more personality now?
Like, you really buy into it now,
don't you?
Oh, my God. That's so nice.
Oh! Oh!
LAUGHTER
Oh. Drowning in cream right now.
I mean, you can't...
You can't really see them.
Well, this is a Jon Snow globe.
There's two Jon Snows
in this snow globe.
I think you should look at it
from outside the snow globe.
They're having a nice time
in there, aren't they?
There we go.
There's two Jon Snows there.
LAUGHTER
You need to look into
the snow globe through the bowl
so that you're getting
the full snow-globe experience.
Shake the snow globe when
you're ready. You mean the room?
What are you doing?
This is the water, but it's...
Oh, it's Windolene.
LAUGHTER
All right. So,
I'm happy with this snow globe,
but I wanted to just do my plan C
just to give it
a neater thing, so...
Your plan C? Yeah.
Got a little bit on there.
I'm sorry.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Let's start with the face meat.
I mean, what's going on, mate?
So, they were the Three Wise Men.
They had gold, prawns and couscous.
They did.
We don't know that's not true.
Why not bring it up to date?
Yeah. I loved the double Snow.
It's just when condoms started
getting involved... I know.
..and when, you know, cream
started getting pumped back out...
I know! Yeah, I know. Who's next?
Now we're going to see
my favourite TV drama
set in the south coast
yachting community.
It's Howard's Way.
Russell Howard's Way.
LAUGHTER
Here it is.
I got you all the things
you asked for. Yeah.
I mean, they're bigger
than I wanted.
It's not ideal, is it?
Well, that's the fattest Santa
you could have got. Thank you.
And I've got this glue gun,
which is exciting.
I could glue-gun this
to the table... To the table.
..and then sort of shake it.
So, Santa, elves, you two.
It actually looks all right.
HE BLOWS WHISTLE
There it is.
What's your first thought?
It's the biggest snow globe
I've ever shook.
It's a lovely scene.
Just build it up? Yeah, yeah.
This feels like it's sort of
an Amish sex ritual.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Bonanza. Quite tiring. Yeah, yeah.
Bye-bye. See you.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Are the Amish famous
for their sex rituals?
I don't know if
they're famous for it,
but I imagine there must be
an Amish bloke out there
who has a sex ritual,
and I'll be damned
if it doesn't look like that.
LAUGHTER
Do you want to see all five
and then you can judge them?
Yeah, that'll be good.
OK, here are images
of all of them together.
Happy Christmas, everyone.
What I'm judging this on is
which one would make
my nieces cry the quickest.
LAUGHTER
Come on. Just give me the prize.
OK, last place first?
I wonder if it might be
an exploding cream balloon
with a model of Jon Snow in it.
That's my instinct, Asim.
Two Jon Snows. One point.
Tim and Alice's... I'm going
to give them both three points
because they're very inventive,
but they're ultimately
a nightmarish vision of Christmas
that would make small children cry.
OK. I appreciate that.
And I'm going to give four points
to Liza. OK.
But as it is, the most traditional
and effective snow globe,
it's only little Russell Howard.
Oh, my goodness me.
Five points to Russell.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK. Thank God.
So, we're two rounds in.
I'd like to see the scores,
please, Alex Horne.
We have an early leader, of course,
and that leader is...
HE GASPS
It's Tim Vine again.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, what's next? Well, I'm
talking teams. I'm talking melons.
I'm talking ducks.
I'm talking extension poles.
I'm talking and you're listening
and I'm so sorry.
LAUGHTER
SHE CHUCKLES
Hello, Liza. Hello, Tim.
Hello, Asim. ALL: Hello.
"Knock over as many ducks
as possible."
"You must all remain on
the red carpet throughout the task.
"You have five minutes.
Your time starts now."
Oh, I see. So, we're not allowed
to leave here, so...
No. We're now bound.
APPLAUSE
They were quite a long way
from this.
Surely all they can do
is throw the melon, right?
Well, one watermelon,
136 ducks. Yeah.
Do you want to see what
the team of three did first?
Yes, I do. Here they are.
Tim, Liza and Asim.
Well, if we can't move
off the red carpet,
maybe we could move the red carpet.
You know, like if we all...
That's a good idea.
I like that. ..get closer.
Oh, I know. LIZA: What? Grab
that side and we just hop. Yeah.
Ready? Yeah, ready. Hop.
Ooh, I've dropped it. Oh, careful.
I dropped the melon. The melon...
SHE SCREAMS
Ooh, careful. I nearly...
OK, this might not be... Thank you.
So, I dropped the melon.
OK, come on, then.
I think we need to know exactly
when we're jumping. OK, OK.
So, what was it? One, two, up?
OK, yeah, here we go. One, two...
OK, wait, wait. Are we jumping on
three or one, two, up? One, two, up.
OK, ready? Yeah. One, two, up.
Oh, good. One, two, up.
Ooh! Ooh, careful.
You've got three minutes left.
Three minutes left.
Three minutes left! OK.
Let's break it. Break it, break it.
Good work, team. Shall I just go?
We've got three minutes left.
OK, let's do it.
Oh, good shot! Oh!
Oh, it bounced over it.
Mine did, as well.
Go on!
Oh, God, I'm terrible. Oh, see you!
Nice work! Bosh!
Two minutes left. Quite a few ducks
still standing. OK. Erm, shoes?
Shoes, shoes. Oh, wait,
can we use anything on our body?
Yeah, why not? Oh, wicked.
That was a good one. Take that!
Oh, that was rubbish.
LAUGHTER
Oh, sorry! Terrible.
Oh, goodness. One minute left.
One minute left.
Why don't we try and narrow a bit?
What about walking it? Exactly.
One, two, up. Ooh. One, two, up.
One, two, up.
One, two, up. One, two, up.
You've got ten seconds.
Ten seconds. Do you know what?
I think I can roll my socks
into a ball.
Yay!
WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, team. Thanks very much.
That was a good effort.
APPLAUSE
Yeah, look,
it was a five-minute task.
You came up with the idea
of shuffling towards them,
and it was going perfectly well
and then you went,
"Ooh, we've only got
three minutes left.
"Let's stop shuffling now."
We were worried we wouldn't reach.
We thought we might not
get there in time.
Well, I mean,
you definitely would have.
LAUGHTER
Well, there were 136 to begin with.
They knocked over 78,
so that's 57.3 % of the ducks.
So, if you imagine
there were 1 million,
they would have knocked over
573,000, if that's easier.
Or if you imagine
there was one duck,
they would have knocked over
just over half of that duck...
LAUGHTER
..if that helps.
Yeah, it really does.
Do you want to see Team Funk?
Just irritate me. Yeah.
That's one of my favourite things -
is that Russell keeps calling
him and Alice Team Funk
and Alice doesn't want
to be called Team Funk.
LAUGHTER
I know.
Why don't we shuffle on
the red carpet? That's a good idea.
How long have we got?
Four minutes left.
We're going to piss this.
This is actually a good idea.
Just don't fall off it.
Don't fall off it.
OK.
One, two, three.
Good one.
Oh, yes.
LAUGHTER
One, two, three. One, two, three.
APPLAUSE
One minute 20.
You've got to knock them all over.
I feel quite proud of us.
Just that one there.
He's really annoying me. Shall we
have a quick shuffle? Quick shuffle.
One, two...
Oh, sorry.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Aw! I don't remember that bit.
LAUGHTER
I also don't remember
the way we were positioned.
LAUGHTER
Properly gave him a shunting. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
And why not? Are we disqualified?
Well, the rules weren't
jump up and down on a carpet,
look like
you're getting rear-ended...
LAUGHTER
..knock all but one
of the ducks over
and then put your foot wherever
you want. Those weren't the rules.
See, that's how I read it.
We misheard. We misheard.
I don't want to rub it in,
but I just realised I did write down
your initial quote during that task,
and it was, and I quote,
"We're going to piss this."
LAUGHTER
Team Funk - zero. Zero. Oh!
Team One, Two, Up
has five points each.
Five points. They're the winners.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Three minutes to go for a bath.
Go for it.
'Three.
Hello. Welcome back
to the third part
of this Taskmaster story.
What have we next, Alex Horne?
Next up, we've got
some important announcements. Ooh!
That something in there for me?
Exciting.
Make an announcement.
Biggest announcement to
the most people wins.
You have 12 weeks.
Your time starts now.
I'm going to India
in the next 12 weeks.
I mean, that's a big country.
Yeah, you going to meet everyone?
So I can make quite
the announcement.
I've got a friend who's going
to a big guru muster in Malibu.
How many gurus will be
at the guru muster?
I don't know, I think
just one real big 'un.
I'll give it some thought, though.
OK. Biggest announcement. OK.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
Biggest announcement, to me,
has to be something of merit.
We've got some big hitters here
with lots of potential.
We've got people with big audiences.
Oh, 12 weeks, as well. Yeah.
Russell didn't even want to do it
in this country cos there's
only 65 million people here.
Not enough.
Shall we start with Alice?
Let's start with Alice.
Let's get it out of the way.
A big old announcement.
I thought I might shout it
in a town square
and hope that lots of people heard.
Then I remembered I had a radio
show, so that made more sense.
Actually, the modern day
town square is Twitter.
Everyone calls it
the modern-day town square.
Here is the big announcement
from Alice Levine.
Yeah, let's have a look.
Are you OK? No, no, I'm good.
Are you sure? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cos I never order that -
why would I know what it was?
And also, who orders
quattro formaggio? So...
So why announce it?
It got 400 likes! Yeah.
96,000 people potentially saw it -
that's how many followers. OK.
OK, who's next?
Let's have a look at
Tim Vine's announcement.
Big announcement. I decided to
make the word announcement,
a big version of it. OK. OK.
It's lateral thinking
and I'm enjoying it. Right.
So I went to Bristol Airport
and I...
The prince of airports.
Do you want the first pictures?
The first pictures.
I started to put the A
and the N there.
The next picture will show
the police arriving
before I even got to the other...
LAUGHTER
..other N. And he was a nice chap.
He just said, "What are you doing?"
And I said,
"I'm making a big announcement."
I said,
"Would you like me to leave?"
He said,
"I think that's probably best, yes."
You are making a big announcement,
but the reality is that,
under a flight path
in a small airport,
you wrote the word "an".
Yes. That's the reality.
Liza Tarbuck next. Hi.
I've got a good feeling about this.
Oh, good, I'm glad you have.
I didn't really know what to do,
the idea of making a big
announcement. Yeah.
And you have one of those cob ons
where you sort of think,
"Well, why?"
And then I thought,
"I have got a radio show,
"I will announce
a big announcement."
Did anybody take you up on your
big announcement? Oh, every week.
Honestly, that's all they,
you know...
Cos you'd have to class
"happy birthday, Sue"
as an announcement, so I've done it.
OK.
I mean, I've got to say, Liza,
you seem angry about this task.
Uh, I am, yeah.
OK, Liza made an announcement
of an announcement. Who's next?
OK, well, how about Asim Chaudhry?
Ah. Ah.
The big guns. Yeah.
So I thought, "OK, hold on a minute,
"we're on quite a big show here,
you lot do numbers."
OK, big numbers. Big numbers, yeah?
And I thought, "What I'll do is
I'll throw in a little Easter egg
"announcement within this show."
Are you saying you've already made
your big announcement on this show?
In the previous episode...
Do you want to see it? Do I?
Oh, my God!
This is Asim's big announcement.
Before we do that,
I just want to say that from today,
I am now officially a vegan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on, come on!
Right. Thanks for the announcement.
Yeah, no worries.
And I'll keep you updated.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, obviously the show does numbers,
millions of people see it,
and we're on Dave and
all they fucking do
is repeat shit, so double that up...
They do original content and they're
excellent at it. They are, they are.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What strikes me is that it was
the last episodes that we filmed
that you made that announcement
and I didn't know
that's what you were doing.
And I can't speak for everyone else,
I thought you'd just lost your mind.
We've still got the man
who went to India. No, listen...
Listen, what happened, let me
explain what happened. Big country.
It's a huge country,
and I shot my mouth off.
Well, let's just have a look at it.
Yeah? OK.
I expect these have been...
While we're here, can I quickly do
a Taskmaster thing?
Yeah. Is that all right?
Dogs of India, be quiet!
DOGS BARK
I hope that was OK.
That's a little thing,
I have to do an announcement.
But nobody listened.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All I can hope is when you flew
back from India... Yep.
..that you were able to
just glance down and see the word
"an" just to chill you out
a little bit.
And let's start from the top.
Asim Chaudhry, excellent,
five points. Five points.
I can't quite explain it,
but I suppose he was technically
making a big announcement.
It was the work of someone with
genuine problems. Yes.
I'm going to give him four points.
Four points to Tim, OK.
I'm going to give Liza
and Alice joint two points
because they made an announcement
to a relatively big crowd.
I'm sorry, Russell.
Oh, no, don't apologise, mate.
So, one point to Russell Howard.
Correct. There we go, it's done.
OK, I've got a big announcement -
let's have another task.
I improvised that.
That went off-script.
Just fucking improvised that.
Brilliant.
OK, and this one's got drama
and spoons.
Hello, Tim. Hello there, Alex.
You ready? You could have just
handed it to me, you know.
Aww... I failed it.
Make the best parachute
for this wooden spoon.
You've got ten minutes to
order your materials...
And ten minutes to
make your parachute.
Slowest and most dramatic fall wins.
Well, I need string.
Shit-loads of balloons.
I want some balloons filled with
helium. How many? 20? 30.
Two plastic bags, please.
A hard-core staple gun.
Get me a slingshot.
Oh, and actually, in case
that doesn't work, some darts.
Buy me a flip chart pad.
Would you like to start building?
I don't see why
we would be delaying.
We're looking for drama
and a slow descent. Yep.
And we're going to start
with a man that
I know I've started to call
Tim Vine.
Basically, for the drama,
cos it's slowly and dramatic,
when the spoon hits the floor,
I'll say something...
I'm in character, you see,
that's in like a war film.
The spoon hits the floor, and then
I will turn my head like this,
and you're up here,
and I'll deliver it out there,
and that'll be your drama.
Your time starts now, Tim.
Ten minutes.
Oh, flippers.
Oh, bums on seats.
Oh, do me a favour.
HE SIGHS
I don't know how to make
a parachute.
Right, now...
I know what you're thinking.
If you could lower the grabber,
that would be great, thank you.
No, Sarge!
What have you done?
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
The performance was incredible.
I mean, essentially, that was a man
dropping some paper and a spoon.
It slowed it down a bit, right?
Yes, it did slow it down.
It did a tiny bit of that,
didn't it? Yeah.
A tiny bit, but the acting...
Jesus Christ, that was moving.
What had Sarge done?
Yeah, give us some backstory.
Well, I was on a cliff edge
and he'd been trying to defuse
a bomb that was hanging in a tree.
OK. But have you got a close bond,
or not?
Well, we met at mealtimes,
but it was sort of...
And it's the moment
at which he thinks he's defused it
and he's about to jump
away from the bomb,
and I know that his parachute is not
really going to hold him up.
So you accidentally caused
Sarge's death. Yeah.
Wait, so when you said,
"What have you done?"
you were talking to yourself.
To yourself!
Oh... Oh, my Lord. Goose bumps.
That's why at the end my face
crumples,
because it's too much for me
to bear.
Isn't that war?
Who's next?
Alice and Asim next. OK.
Grouped together
for an unprecedented
second time in the show.
The double As. Here they go.
Oh, no! Oh, bloody hell.
I thought they'd be in
like a bundle. Alex!
Oh, no. Shit.
Fuck's sake.
How many have I lost there?
How has that happened?
Oh, God, why is everything
so stupid?
Ahh! No!
This is one of the most
disappointing moments of my life.
This is doing something.
SHE SQUEAKS
That's enough building.
Thank you, Alice. OK.
What are you doing to do?
I'm going to try and blast it
dramatically out of the sky
using darts and a gun (staple gun).
How does this work?
You know what?
It might just be better,
me going with a stick,
dart on a stick.
This already feels more dramatic.
Are you ready? Yes.
STAPLE GUN CLICKS
BALLOON POPS
So it does work.
I jumped. It made me jump too.
Then I was embarrassed
about jumping.
OK.
BALLOONS POP
Oh! Oh, oh.
BALLOON POPS
Thank you, Asim. Thank you, Alex.
BALLOON POPS
Oh, my God.
BALLOONS POP
Thank you, Alice. Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, Asim, first things first -
I got the impression,
once you'd got the balloons
that you requested,
that you didn't really know
how balloons work.
As you can see from my previous
cream-filled thing,
me and balloons don't
get along that well.
But it was flowing down nicely,
and then you chucked it back up.
No, I... I was trying to pop
more as it was happening
and then they got stuck and... Yeah.
But if anything, that added to the
dramatic nature of the whole piece.
Yeah. It ended up falling
from a greater height
than when you started. Yeah.
Right, beautiful. Alice's one?
I mean, honestly,
that's one of the coolest things
I think I've ever seen, Alice's.
Yeah.
Thank you. It was amazing, right?
Wow, and you watch things
like snooker. Oh, all the time.
LAUGHTER
Stop it!
Part three is contracting
and part four is crowning.
Witness its birth in part four.
Eugh!
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's the final
part of the show of the show
but the beginning of the rest
of our lives together.
I genuinely want to kiss you
right now. Oh, do you?
Go on, then.
CHEERING
APPLAUSE
Finally, finally!
At last. Before the break...
LAUGHTER
Before the break,
that lot over there were trying to
make a parachute for a wooden spoon.
A slow and dramatic descent
was meant to happen.
Here are the last two attempts
in one go. It's Liza and Russell.
Right, let's do this.
You've got ten minutes, Russell.
Sweet.
So, I'm after a square here.
Oh, you shitter.
Oh, you bastard.
So, something hideous
has gone on here, look.
It's splashed with drama.
One last bit.
Oh, God.
Do you need a wee, Russell? No.
Oh, you prick!
I'm just going to have to
Sellotape this bastard.
I mean, it looks like the most basic
Donald Trump puppet.
You can pull it back by making it
dramatic with powerful music.
So imagine,
that spoon is going to land
in the middle of an island
where there's a load of deserted
Guides, Girl Guides,
and this is the first spoon
they've seen for four days.
When do I start the music? Now.
JAUNTILY:
# Pom, pom, pom, pom, pom... #
Not that, mate, for fuck...
These girls are starving.
SOMBRELY:
# Pom, pom, pom, pom, pom... #
Better.
Look! A spoon! A spoon in the skies!
We're saved, Brown Owl!
Thank you, Russell. See you, mate.
Let's get the flame established
on the sparkler,
to add a bit more drama.
What's the code word for drop?
I think I might just say "drop".
OK.
Drop!
Wow!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Can't be beat. Can't be beat.
And I might just
roll in with the lads.
Thank you, Liza.
Well, I'm not going to criticise the
parachute, that doesn't need doing.
I'm intrigued by the fact that
these Girl Guides... Yeah.
Am I right in thinking that
they will starve to death
unless they have cutlery?
Listen, these girls
are so particular.
They're middle-class girls.
They are upper class.
They're upper class.
They've never even thought
to eat with your hands.
I love the idea that you're so posh
that you can only eat
with a wooden spoon.
Well, let's get onto the high drama
of yours, Liza. Yeah.
You have got to be delighted
with that parachute.
I was slightly scared that
it wasn't going to inflate.
There's not a person
in this room who didn't go,
"Now, that's a parachute."
OK, Asim. Yes.
One point.
Two points, Russell.
Two points to Russell, OK. Yeah.
Three points to Tim. OK.
Bad parachute, good drama.
I'm going to give five points
to Liza. Quite right.
Four points to Alice. There we go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Last-minute scoreboard update,
please, Alex. OK, one task to go.
There's only one point separating
the top two and they are Liza,
but Tim is in the lead
with 20 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's that time again -
please will you all make your way
to the stage for the final
task of the show?
Who's going to read the task out?
Tim Vine. Mr Tim Vine.
Hello, Tim. Hello.
This is for you. Thank you.
You will each be given a category.
You will each have ten seconds
to say things
that fall into that category.
First, you much each predict how
many correct answers you will give.
The person who has successfully
predicted the highest number wins.
Is anybody else not understanding?
LAUGHTER
Before anything, you've got to write
down a number on your white board.
Right. That is the number
you want to try to hit.
We're going to do it one at a time,
starting with the person who's
written down the lowest number.
OK, has everyone got a number? Yeah.
Alice, what's your number?
Asim?
Oh, that's less bold. Liza.
AUDIENCE OOHS
Lovely writing. Thanks.
Russell?
LAUGHTER
What have you got, Russell?
I've written three and they've
laughed at me in a derisory manner.
Tim Vine.
Aww!
Maybe that's a master tactic,
let's see.
Tim, would you like category one,
two, three, four or five?
I'll have category four, please.
Your category is...
..counties.
Middlesex, Surrey, Sussex.
Six seconds left.
Um... Oh, er...
WHISTLE TOOTS
He's hit his target!
So, Russell,
you've written down three. Uh-huh.
Would you like category one, two,
three or five?
Can I have three?
You have ten seconds
to try to say...
..three colours.
LAUGHTER
Eggs.
No, green, red, blue.
WHISTLE BLOWS
He's done it, he's done it!
Hello, Asim. Hello.
You're trying to hit four.
Would you like category one, two,
or five?
I'll go for one. You've got
ten seconds to say four...
..countries. OK.
England, America, Germany, Italy.
WHISTLE BLOWS
He's hit his target!
OK, Liza. Yeah.
Would you like category number two
or category number five?
I'm going to go with category
number five and, you know...
I want you to say five...
..continents.
Asia, Europe, Antarctica.
Erm...
Oh, do you know what?
I cannot think of anything.
WHISTLE BLOWS
She's missed her target.
She's missed her target,
she's missed her target.
Oh! I'm out.
Alice, you've said five. Oh, God.
Would you like category two?
Yes, please. OK.
You've got ten seconds to
say five...
..crustaceans.
Lobster, crab, prawn, shrimp,
Boston bay bugs.
Wow, that last one knocked it
right out of the park.
WHISTLE BLOWS
CHEERING
Why don't you all come down
and we'll see how that's affected
the points for the whole show?
How did they do, sweet cheeks?
Thank you. Um, they did well.
Boston bay bugs... Yep.
As we all know, it's the common
name for Thenus orientalis.
Ah. It's a type of lobster.
Lobsters are crustaceans,
which means that she hit
her target of five and Alice Levine
wins that task. Bam!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It goes five to Alice, four to Asim,
three to Tim and Russell,
and one, in last place, for Liza.
So how has that affected
the final scores?
It was a tight tussle, but
the winner, with 23 points, is...
..Mr Tim Vine!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tim Vine is the rightful winner.
Please shoot off
and reap your rewards.
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that Asim Chaudhry has
an announcement to make -
he isn't a vegan any more.
We've also learnt
that Tim Vine has a nun.
But tonight's winner is Tim Vine,
and for that we're all thankful.
Thank you, everyone,
well done, Tim, goodnight.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
SHE LAUGHS
Oh!
Come on! Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, and welcome
to Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davies.
Now, I'm a powerful man
in many, many ways,
but I have just one superpower,
and that is to award
one of our desperate participants
enough points to head home
with this glorious,
perhaps perfect, trophy.
I enjoy the power enormously.
But which one of the following names
will be etched beneath my chin
by the end of this series?
Please welcome them.
Alice Levine,
Asim Chaudhry,
Liza Tarbuck,
Russell Howard
and Tim Vine!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And next to me,
with boundless enthusiasm
and an optimistic, can-do attitude
that I couldn't despise more
if I tried,
it's little Alex Horne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Just Alex Horne is fine.
I've got you a present
cos I really like you. Oh, yeah?
LAUGHTER
I know how much you like Japan
and puzzles... I do like...
I do like Japan.
LAUGHTER
..and little squares of numbers,
so I've got you sudoku. Oh, lovely.
Do you want to do a sudoku?
I'd love to have a go at a sudoku.
There we go. Thank you. I've had it
tattooed on my tummy, as you asked.
LAUGHTER
Ready? Yeah.
It was really painful.
Look at this.
LAUGHTER
Increasing these little sections
are just a cry for attention,
aren't they?
LAUGHTER
What are you doing? Oh.
LAUGHTER
Good.
LAUGHTER
Let's crack on.
What's this week's Prize Task?
This time, we've asked them
to bring in the best thing
that they've invented. Wow. Ooh.
Greg's going to judge the inventions
and give the best inventor
five whole points.
At the end of the show,
the person with the most points will
take home all of the inventions.
That's how it works.
HE WOLF WHISTLES
OK, Russell Howard, tell me
what you've invented, please,
and make it good.
It's called cup cereal.
Now, our mum would never
let us have supper.
We weren't allowed cereal after tea,
but we devised a system.
You put the spoon in the cup,
but it can't go up
cos then Mum would see.
And then, while she's watching
Birds Of A Feather
or something like that,
you just slowly eat
the cereal like that,
and she thinks
you're having a drink.
I think your mum would see through
the picture I've got.
LAUGHTER
Well, Russell,
this is what I've got to say to you.
I regularly eat cereal out of a cup
when I haven't been bothered
to wash my bowls.
So, I don't think you have
invented it because I use it.
Do you use it? Well, Kellogg's sells
cereal in a cup. So do Cheerios.
LAUGHTER
Thank you. Right, who's next?
Asim. Asim. Well, I have a very...
You know, a great love for trainers
and I always have.
And I went to the Nike factory.
It's like the Willy Wonka
chocolate factory. OK. Proper sick.
And I designed my own little
Air Max 97 3-D printed shoe.
Ooh, here it is.
LAUGHTER
You didn't invent the 3-D printer,
right? No. No.
Or the design process? No.
LAUGHTER
I just thought I'd tell you that
Adidas do sell 3-D printed trainers,
and so do Kellogg's and Cheerios.
LAUGHTER
They are quite common now.
OK, Tim Vine.
Well, you know in the theatre
where they have stage daggers?
And it's like a plastic knife.
You used to get them
in toy shops, as well.
And you push it like that
and the knife goes into the handle.
It was a big ambition of mine
to have one at primary school.
Exactly. One of those. Yeah, yeah.
I thought to myself
that it would be humorous
to take on stage with me
a stage spade.
OK, here's the video.
Oh, there we are!
LAUGHTER
Eh?
LAUGHTER
Don't you love the way
it retracted, as well?
APPLAUSE
I mean, this is the worst round one
we've ever had.
Two left, though. Two left.
Liza, you can save this.
Cacti chausseur. The pessimist
in me is thinking... It's fashion.
It's all the rage.
..that you've just glued
two cactuses to some shoes.
No, I haven't. No, no, no.
No, I haven't.
LAUGHTER
Here they are.
LAUGHTER
What is their primary purpose?
Fashion? Fashion.
Well, they're an invention.
Jesus Christ!
LAUGHTER
Alice, I'm not being funny - I think
this show might get cancelled
if you don't pull something
out of the bag.
Have you ever been out and about
and you've thought,
"Oh, I've hardly got any battery"?
But Alex, however,
with his smartphone,
he has battery to spare.
Can I just say,
what I would do in that situation is
I would take
Alex's phone from him. Yeah.
OK, imagine you're out and about
with someone you respect.
OK.
LAUGHTER
So, this happened to me,
and I was on the train
with my friend James, and I said,
"Let me tether for battery.
"You feed battery into my phone..."
Right.
"..wirelessly and then
I will have more battery."
And he said no
because that's not a thing.
You're tethering for battery.
I've got your initial designs.
Thank you.
That's what you came up with.
If you look where it says laptops,
that's a really good example
cos you can also tether for battery
with laptops.
I think that's explained
everything there is to explain.
You've come up with an idea.
That much, I will give you.
Yes. Yes.
But you can't just say,
"I've invented something."
I've invented tethering battery.
That's like me saying, "Oh, I've got
a hat that turns into a gas."
Have you? No.
LAUGHTER
Greg, you've heard everything.
Oh, God!
I feel so genuinely angry
with you all. It's weird.
I'm going to give Tim five points.
Incredible,
because it's an invention at least.
Don't be pleased with yourself.
LAUGHTER
It is rubbish!
And, Liza, her cactus things
are so rubbish,
but it is technically
a thing that she invented,
so I'll give her three points.
Three points for the cactus shoes.
And the others,
they better thank me for one point.
That's the end of it.
One, one, one, three.
Five points to Tim Vine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right, task, please, Alex.
Great idea, boss.
And Merry Christmas, everyone. What?
Hello.
Are you ready? Uh-oh.
TIM: It looks like magic snow stuff,
I think, isn't it?
I think it could be, possibly.
Oh, it's still kind of growing. Mm.
"Make the best snow globe."
"You have ten minutes
to order your elements."
"Then 20 minutes
to make your snow globe."
"Make the best snow globe."
What is that? So, that's snow.
That's my snow.
That's for inspiration.
Well, can I not have that?
No, that's my snow. Well...
All right.
Maybe I could get
a figurine of Jon Snow
and put him in a snow globe.
Jon Snow from Game Of Thrones
or from the news?
May I look in the kitchen?
Yes, if you just come back
and tell us what you found.
Nothing.
OK. So, I need a container.
If you can, get me
some chocolate snowflakes.
Can I get loads of
cotton wool balls, please?
I need you to get me a snow globe.
Get me one can of shaving cream.
Some pipe cleaners.
One condom and one massive balloon.
Can I get some face meat?
What are you talking about?
Just some ham that has,
like, a face printed on it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Who are we going to see first?
We're going to start with
two of the others.
We're going to start with Liza,
and I think, if you don't mind,
Tim Vine.
Yeah, OK. OK, here we go.
Now, I've picked this
cos it might work a treat.
Let's see, anyway.
Let's get on with it.
These are the elements.
I'm going to take my hat off.
I just don't even know
how this is going to work.
Oh, mother of God!
Then like that.
I mean, already,
it's screaming Christmas at me.
HE LAUGHS
In with the snow.
How much is going in?
All of it. Don't you think? Yes.
And we're going
to have ourselves a party.
Uh-oh.
He's wearing green gloves.
HE CHUCKLES
LAUGHTER
He's holding the sledge.
He's bringing the sledge home.
This, obviously, I'm hoping
will create the effect I'm after.
SHE CHUCKLES
SHE LAUGHS
So, there it is.
It's like a showbiz sandstorm.
Nobody knows
what the hell's going on.
LAUGHTER
Right, OK. Away you go.
LAUGHTER
There he is. There's the sledge.
Shall we turn it off
and see how the snow falls? Yes.
It's nice, isn't it?
And every way you look,
he's left elements of his smile.
LAUGHTER
Would you just hold that
for a minute? Yes.
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Bye.
APPLAUSE
So, what was the creature
that you put into a blender?
No, it was a snowman...
A snowman. ..wearing green gloves.
Or with an absolutely banging pair
of green breasts.
LAUGHTER
What, like this?
Breasts tend to be more
in the centre, like that.
They were like...
I'm from the Midlands.
LAUGHTER
I actually thought
yours was beautiful.
Thanks. Really enchanting.
Yours wasn't. Yours was just like
an awful Christmas Armageddon.
LAUGHTER
Terrible news - it's time for
some advertising. Bye for now.
'Two.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where we are feeling festive.
Yes, we are, Greg. Before the break,
we saw Tim and Liza try to make
the best snow globe. Who's next?
Next up, it's Alice and Asim.
I can't wait for the condom.
Happy Christmas!
LAUGHTER
I'm going to start with,
like, kind of...
Oh, don't worry.
We'll get those later.
I need to make my snow.
Add a bit of rice.
OK, got our snow.
Wise Man two.
I'm quite pleased with that
cos it's got a little bit sweatier
than I'd like.
Doesn't have the desired effect
that I was going for,
so we're going to stick
with balloon, I think. OK, guys?
OK. Jon Snow in there.
Oh, this is going to pop.
Oh, shit!
It's actually blowing it up.
Oh, fuck. It's gone down.
Do you see how they've just got
so much more personality now?
Like, you really buy into it now,
don't you?
Oh, my God. That's so nice.
Oh! Oh!
LAUGHTER
Oh. Drowning in cream right now.
I mean, you can't...
You can't really see them.
Well, this is a Jon Snow globe.
There's two Jon Snows
in this snow globe.
I think you should look at it
from outside the snow globe.
They're having a nice time
in there, aren't they?
There we go.
There's two Jon Snows there.
LAUGHTER
You need to look into
the snow globe through the bowl
so that you're getting
the full snow-globe experience.
Shake the snow globe when
you're ready. You mean the room?
What are you doing?
This is the water, but it's...
Oh, it's Windolene.
LAUGHTER
All right. So,
I'm happy with this snow globe,
but I wanted to just do my plan C
just to give it
a neater thing, so...
Your plan C? Yeah.
Got a little bit on there.
I'm sorry.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Let's start with the face meat.
I mean, what's going on, mate?
So, they were the Three Wise Men.
They had gold, prawns and couscous.
They did.
We don't know that's not true.
Why not bring it up to date?
Yeah. I loved the double Snow.
It's just when condoms started
getting involved... I know.
..and when, you know, cream
started getting pumped back out...
I know! Yeah, I know. Who's next?
Now we're going to see
my favourite TV drama
set in the south coast
yachting community.
It's Howard's Way.
Russell Howard's Way.
LAUGHTER
Here it is.
I got you all the things
you asked for. Yeah.
I mean, they're bigger
than I wanted.
It's not ideal, is it?
Well, that's the fattest Santa
you could have got. Thank you.
And I've got this glue gun,
which is exciting.
I could glue-gun this
to the table... To the table.
..and then sort of shake it.
So, Santa, elves, you two.
It actually looks all right.
HE BLOWS WHISTLE
There it is.
What's your first thought?
It's the biggest snow globe
I've ever shook.
It's a lovely scene.
Just build it up? Yeah, yeah.
This feels like it's sort of
an Amish sex ritual.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Bonanza. Quite tiring. Yeah, yeah.
Bye-bye. See you.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Are the Amish famous
for their sex rituals?
I don't know if
they're famous for it,
but I imagine there must be
an Amish bloke out there
who has a sex ritual,
and I'll be damned
if it doesn't look like that.
LAUGHTER
Do you want to see all five
and then you can judge them?
Yeah, that'll be good.
OK, here are images
of all of them together.
Happy Christmas, everyone.
What I'm judging this on is
which one would make
my nieces cry the quickest.
LAUGHTER
Come on. Just give me the prize.
OK, last place first?
I wonder if it might be
an exploding cream balloon
with a model of Jon Snow in it.
That's my instinct, Asim.
Two Jon Snows. One point.
Tim and Alice's... I'm going
to give them both three points
because they're very inventive,
but they're ultimately
a nightmarish vision of Christmas
that would make small children cry.
OK. I appreciate that.
And I'm going to give four points
to Liza. OK.
But as it is, the most traditional
and effective snow globe,
it's only little Russell Howard.
Oh, my goodness me.
Five points to Russell.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK. Thank God.
So, we're two rounds in.
I'd like to see the scores,
please, Alex Horne.
We have an early leader, of course,
and that leader is...
HE GASPS
It's Tim Vine again.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, what's next? Well, I'm
talking teams. I'm talking melons.
I'm talking ducks.
I'm talking extension poles.
I'm talking and you're listening
and I'm so sorry.
LAUGHTER
SHE CHUCKLES
Hello, Liza. Hello, Tim.
Hello, Asim. ALL: Hello.
"Knock over as many ducks
as possible."
"You must all remain on
the red carpet throughout the task.
"You have five minutes.
Your time starts now."
Oh, I see. So, we're not allowed
to leave here, so...
No. We're now bound.
APPLAUSE
They were quite a long way
from this.
Surely all they can do
is throw the melon, right?
Well, one watermelon,
136 ducks. Yeah.
Do you want to see what
the team of three did first?
Yes, I do. Here they are.
Tim, Liza and Asim.
Well, if we can't move
off the red carpet,
maybe we could move the red carpet.
You know, like if we all...
That's a good idea.
I like that. ..get closer.
Oh, I know. LIZA: What? Grab
that side and we just hop. Yeah.
Ready? Yeah, ready. Hop.
Ooh, I've dropped it. Oh, careful.
I dropped the melon. The melon...
SHE SCREAMS
Ooh, careful. I nearly...
OK, this might not be... Thank you.
So, I dropped the melon.
OK, come on, then.
I think we need to know exactly
when we're jumping. OK, OK.
So, what was it? One, two, up?
OK, yeah, here we go. One, two...
OK, wait, wait. Are we jumping on
three or one, two, up? One, two, up.
OK, ready? Yeah. One, two, up.
Oh, good. One, two, up.
Ooh! Ooh, careful.
You've got three minutes left.
Three minutes left.
Three minutes left! OK.
Let's break it. Break it, break it.
Good work, team. Shall I just go?
We've got three minutes left.
OK, let's do it.
Oh, good shot! Oh!
Oh, it bounced over it.
Mine did, as well.
Go on!
Oh, God, I'm terrible. Oh, see you!
Nice work! Bosh!
Two minutes left. Quite a few ducks
still standing. OK. Erm, shoes?
Shoes, shoes. Oh, wait,
can we use anything on our body?
Yeah, why not? Oh, wicked.
That was a good one. Take that!
Oh, that was rubbish.
LAUGHTER
Oh, sorry! Terrible.
Oh, goodness. One minute left.
One minute left.
Why don't we try and narrow a bit?
What about walking it? Exactly.
One, two, up. Ooh. One, two, up.
One, two, up.
One, two, up. One, two, up.
You've got ten seconds.
Ten seconds. Do you know what?
I think I can roll my socks
into a ball.
Yay!
WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, team. Thanks very much.
That was a good effort.
APPLAUSE
Yeah, look,
it was a five-minute task.
You came up with the idea
of shuffling towards them,
and it was going perfectly well
and then you went,
"Ooh, we've only got
three minutes left.
"Let's stop shuffling now."
We were worried we wouldn't reach.
We thought we might not
get there in time.
Well, I mean,
you definitely would have.
LAUGHTER
Well, there were 136 to begin with.
They knocked over 78,
so that's 57.3 % of the ducks.
So, if you imagine
there were 1 million,
they would have knocked over
573,000, if that's easier.
Or if you imagine
there was one duck,
they would have knocked over
just over half of that duck...
LAUGHTER
..if that helps.
Yeah, it really does.
Do you want to see Team Funk?
Just irritate me. Yeah.
That's one of my favourite things -
is that Russell keeps calling
him and Alice Team Funk
and Alice doesn't want
to be called Team Funk.
LAUGHTER
I know.
Why don't we shuffle on
the red carpet? That's a good idea.
How long have we got?
Four minutes left.
We're going to piss this.
This is actually a good idea.
Just don't fall off it.
Don't fall off it.
OK.
One, two, three.
Good one.
Oh, yes.
LAUGHTER
One, two, three. One, two, three.
APPLAUSE
One minute 20.
You've got to knock them all over.
I feel quite proud of us.
Just that one there.
He's really annoying me. Shall we
have a quick shuffle? Quick shuffle.
One, two...
Oh, sorry.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Aw! I don't remember that bit.
LAUGHTER
I also don't remember
the way we were positioned.
LAUGHTER
Properly gave him a shunting. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
And why not? Are we disqualified?
Well, the rules weren't
jump up and down on a carpet,
look like
you're getting rear-ended...
LAUGHTER
..knock all but one
of the ducks over
and then put your foot wherever
you want. Those weren't the rules.
See, that's how I read it.
We misheard. We misheard.
I don't want to rub it in,
but I just realised I did write down
your initial quote during that task,
and it was, and I quote,
"We're going to piss this."
LAUGHTER
Team Funk - zero. Zero. Oh!
Team One, Two, Up
has five points each.
Five points. They're the winners.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Three minutes to go for a bath.
Go for it.
'Three.
Hello. Welcome back
to the third part
of this Taskmaster story.
What have we next, Alex Horne?
Next up, we've got
some important announcements. Ooh!
That something in there for me?
Exciting.
Make an announcement.
Biggest announcement to
the most people wins.
You have 12 weeks.
Your time starts now.
I'm going to India
in the next 12 weeks.
I mean, that's a big country.
Yeah, you going to meet everyone?
So I can make quite
the announcement.
I've got a friend who's going
to a big guru muster in Malibu.
How many gurus will be
at the guru muster?
I don't know, I think
just one real big 'un.
I'll give it some thought, though.
OK. Biggest announcement. OK.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
Biggest announcement, to me,
has to be something of merit.
We've got some big hitters here
with lots of potential.
We've got people with big audiences.
Oh, 12 weeks, as well. Yeah.
Russell didn't even want to do it
in this country cos there's
only 65 million people here.
Not enough.
Shall we start with Alice?
Let's start with Alice.
Let's get it out of the way.
A big old announcement.
I thought I might shout it
in a town square
and hope that lots of people heard.
Then I remembered I had a radio
show, so that made more sense.
Actually, the modern day
town square is Twitter.
Everyone calls it
the modern-day town square.
Here is the big announcement
from Alice Levine.
Yeah, let's have a look.
Are you OK? No, no, I'm good.
Are you sure? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cos I never order that -
why would I know what it was?
And also, who orders
quattro formaggio? So...
So why announce it?
It got 400 likes! Yeah.
96,000 people potentially saw it -
that's how many followers. OK.
OK, who's next?
Let's have a look at
Tim Vine's announcement.
Big announcement. I decided to
make the word announcement,
a big version of it. OK. OK.
It's lateral thinking
and I'm enjoying it. Right.
So I went to Bristol Airport
and I...
The prince of airports.
Do you want the first pictures?
The first pictures.
I started to put the A
and the N there.
The next picture will show
the police arriving
before I even got to the other...
LAUGHTER
..other N. And he was a nice chap.
He just said, "What are you doing?"
And I said,
"I'm making a big announcement."
I said,
"Would you like me to leave?"
He said,
"I think that's probably best, yes."
You are making a big announcement,
but the reality is that,
under a flight path
in a small airport,
you wrote the word "an".
Yes. That's the reality.
Liza Tarbuck next. Hi.
I've got a good feeling about this.
Oh, good, I'm glad you have.
I didn't really know what to do,
the idea of making a big
announcement. Yeah.
And you have one of those cob ons
where you sort of think,
"Well, why?"
And then I thought,
"I have got a radio show,
"I will announce
a big announcement."
Did anybody take you up on your
big announcement? Oh, every week.
Honestly, that's all they,
you know...
Cos you'd have to class
"happy birthday, Sue"
as an announcement, so I've done it.
OK.
I mean, I've got to say, Liza,
you seem angry about this task.
Uh, I am, yeah.
OK, Liza made an announcement
of an announcement. Who's next?
OK, well, how about Asim Chaudhry?
Ah. Ah.
The big guns. Yeah.
So I thought, "OK, hold on a minute,
"we're on quite a big show here,
you lot do numbers."
OK, big numbers. Big numbers, yeah?
And I thought, "What I'll do is
I'll throw in a little Easter egg
"announcement within this show."
Are you saying you've already made
your big announcement on this show?
In the previous episode...
Do you want to see it? Do I?
Oh, my God!
This is Asim's big announcement.
Before we do that,
I just want to say that from today,
I am now officially a vegan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on, come on!
Right. Thanks for the announcement.
Yeah, no worries.
And I'll keep you updated.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, obviously the show does numbers,
millions of people see it,
and we're on Dave and
all they fucking do
is repeat shit, so double that up...
They do original content and they're
excellent at it. They are, they are.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What strikes me is that it was
the last episodes that we filmed
that you made that announcement
and I didn't know
that's what you were doing.
And I can't speak for everyone else,
I thought you'd just lost your mind.
We've still got the man
who went to India. No, listen...
Listen, what happened, let me
explain what happened. Big country.
It's a huge country,
and I shot my mouth off.
Well, let's just have a look at it.
Yeah? OK.
I expect these have been...
While we're here, can I quickly do
a Taskmaster thing?
Yeah. Is that all right?
Dogs of India, be quiet!
DOGS BARK
I hope that was OK.
That's a little thing,
I have to do an announcement.
But nobody listened.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All I can hope is when you flew
back from India... Yep.
..that you were able to
just glance down and see the word
"an" just to chill you out
a little bit.
And let's start from the top.
Asim Chaudhry, excellent,
five points. Five points.
I can't quite explain it,
but I suppose he was technically
making a big announcement.
It was the work of someone with
genuine problems. Yes.
I'm going to give him four points.
Four points to Tim, OK.
I'm going to give Liza
and Alice joint two points
because they made an announcement
to a relatively big crowd.
I'm sorry, Russell.
Oh, no, don't apologise, mate.
So, one point to Russell Howard.
Correct. There we go, it's done.
OK, I've got a big announcement -
let's have another task.
I improvised that.
That went off-script.
Just fucking improvised that.
Brilliant.
OK, and this one's got drama
and spoons.
Hello, Tim. Hello there, Alex.
You ready? You could have just
handed it to me, you know.
Aww... I failed it.
Make the best parachute
for this wooden spoon.
You've got ten minutes to
order your materials...
And ten minutes to
make your parachute.
Slowest and most dramatic fall wins.
Well, I need string.
Shit-loads of balloons.
I want some balloons filled with
helium. How many? 20? 30.
Two plastic bags, please.
A hard-core staple gun.
Get me a slingshot.
Oh, and actually, in case
that doesn't work, some darts.
Buy me a flip chart pad.
Would you like to start building?
I don't see why
we would be delaying.
We're looking for drama
and a slow descent. Yep.
And we're going to start
with a man that
I know I've started to call
Tim Vine.
Basically, for the drama,
cos it's slowly and dramatic,
when the spoon hits the floor,
I'll say something...
I'm in character, you see,
that's in like a war film.
The spoon hits the floor, and then
I will turn my head like this,
and you're up here,
and I'll deliver it out there,
and that'll be your drama.
Your time starts now, Tim.
Ten minutes.
Oh, flippers.
Oh, bums on seats.
Oh, do me a favour.
HE SIGHS
I don't know how to make
a parachute.
Right, now...
I know what you're thinking.
If you could lower the grabber,
that would be great, thank you.
No, Sarge!
What have you done?
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
The performance was incredible.
I mean, essentially, that was a man
dropping some paper and a spoon.
It slowed it down a bit, right?
Yes, it did slow it down.
It did a tiny bit of that,
didn't it? Yeah.
A tiny bit, but the acting...
Jesus Christ, that was moving.
What had Sarge done?
Yeah, give us some backstory.
Well, I was on a cliff edge
and he'd been trying to defuse
a bomb that was hanging in a tree.
OK. But have you got a close bond,
or not?
Well, we met at mealtimes,
but it was sort of...
And it's the moment
at which he thinks he's defused it
and he's about to jump
away from the bomb,
and I know that his parachute is not
really going to hold him up.
So you accidentally caused
Sarge's death. Yeah.
Wait, so when you said,
"What have you done?"
you were talking to yourself.
To yourself!
Oh... Oh, my Lord. Goose bumps.
That's why at the end my face
crumples,
because it's too much for me
to bear.
Isn't that war?
Who's next?
Alice and Asim next. OK.
Grouped together
for an unprecedented
second time in the show.
The double As. Here they go.
Oh, no! Oh, bloody hell.
I thought they'd be in
like a bundle. Alex!
Oh, no. Shit.
Fuck's sake.
How many have I lost there?
How has that happened?
Oh, God, why is everything
so stupid?
Ahh! No!
This is one of the most
disappointing moments of my life.
This is doing something.
SHE SQUEAKS
That's enough building.
Thank you, Alice. OK.
What are you doing to do?
I'm going to try and blast it
dramatically out of the sky
using darts and a gun (staple gun).
How does this work?
You know what?
It might just be better,
me going with a stick,
dart on a stick.
This already feels more dramatic.
Are you ready? Yes.
STAPLE GUN CLICKS
BALLOON POPS
So it does work.
I jumped. It made me jump too.
Then I was embarrassed
about jumping.
OK.
BALLOONS POP
Oh! Oh, oh.
BALLOON POPS
Thank you, Asim. Thank you, Alex.
BALLOON POPS
Oh, my God.
BALLOONS POP
Thank you, Alice. Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, Asim, first things first -
I got the impression,
once you'd got the balloons
that you requested,
that you didn't really know
how balloons work.
As you can see from my previous
cream-filled thing,
me and balloons don't
get along that well.
But it was flowing down nicely,
and then you chucked it back up.
No, I... I was trying to pop
more as it was happening
and then they got stuck and... Yeah.
But if anything, that added to the
dramatic nature of the whole piece.
Yeah. It ended up falling
from a greater height
than when you started. Yeah.
Right, beautiful. Alice's one?
I mean, honestly,
that's one of the coolest things
I think I've ever seen, Alice's.
Yeah.
Thank you. It was amazing, right?
Wow, and you watch things
like snooker. Oh, all the time.
LAUGHTER
Stop it!
Part three is contracting
and part four is crowning.
Witness its birth in part four.
Eugh!
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's the final
part of the show of the show
but the beginning of the rest
of our lives together.
I genuinely want to kiss you
right now. Oh, do you?
Go on, then.
CHEERING
APPLAUSE
Finally, finally!
At last. Before the break...
LAUGHTER
Before the break,
that lot over there were trying to
make a parachute for a wooden spoon.
A slow and dramatic descent
was meant to happen.
Here are the last two attempts
in one go. It's Liza and Russell.
Right, let's do this.
You've got ten minutes, Russell.
Sweet.
So, I'm after a square here.
Oh, you shitter.
Oh, you bastard.
So, something hideous
has gone on here, look.
It's splashed with drama.
One last bit.
Oh, God.
Do you need a wee, Russell? No.
Oh, you prick!
I'm just going to have to
Sellotape this bastard.
I mean, it looks like the most basic
Donald Trump puppet.
You can pull it back by making it
dramatic with powerful music.
So imagine,
that spoon is going to land
in the middle of an island
where there's a load of deserted
Guides, Girl Guides,
and this is the first spoon
they've seen for four days.
When do I start the music? Now.
JAUNTILY:
# Pom, pom, pom, pom, pom... #
Not that, mate, for fuck...
These girls are starving.
SOMBRELY:
# Pom, pom, pom, pom, pom... #
Better.
Look! A spoon! A spoon in the skies!
We're saved, Brown Owl!
Thank you, Russell. See you, mate.
Let's get the flame established
on the sparkler,
to add a bit more drama.
What's the code word for drop?
I think I might just say "drop".
OK.
Drop!
Wow!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Can't be beat. Can't be beat.
And I might just
roll in with the lads.
Thank you, Liza.
Well, I'm not going to criticise the
parachute, that doesn't need doing.
I'm intrigued by the fact that
these Girl Guides... Yeah.
Am I right in thinking that
they will starve to death
unless they have cutlery?
Listen, these girls
are so particular.
They're middle-class girls.
They are upper class.
They're upper class.
They've never even thought
to eat with your hands.
I love the idea that you're so posh
that you can only eat
with a wooden spoon.
Well, let's get onto the high drama
of yours, Liza. Yeah.
You have got to be delighted
with that parachute.
I was slightly scared that
it wasn't going to inflate.
There's not a person
in this room who didn't go,
"Now, that's a parachute."
OK, Asim. Yes.
One point.
Two points, Russell.
Two points to Russell, OK. Yeah.
Three points to Tim. OK.
Bad parachute, good drama.
I'm going to give five points
to Liza. Quite right.
Four points to Alice. There we go.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Last-minute scoreboard update,
please, Alex. OK, one task to go.
There's only one point separating
the top two and they are Liza,
but Tim is in the lead
with 20 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's that time again -
please will you all make your way
to the stage for the final
task of the show?
Who's going to read the task out?
Tim Vine. Mr Tim Vine.
Hello, Tim. Hello.
This is for you. Thank you.
You will each be given a category.
You will each have ten seconds
to say things
that fall into that category.
First, you much each predict how
many correct answers you will give.
The person who has successfully
predicted the highest number wins.
Is anybody else not understanding?
LAUGHTER
Before anything, you've got to write
down a number on your white board.
Right. That is the number
you want to try to hit.
We're going to do it one at a time,
starting with the person who's
written down the lowest number.
OK, has everyone got a number? Yeah.
Alice, what's your number?
Asim?
Oh, that's less bold. Liza.
AUDIENCE OOHS
Lovely writing. Thanks.
Russell?
LAUGHTER
What have you got, Russell?
I've written three and they've
laughed at me in a derisory manner.
Tim Vine.
Aww!
Maybe that's a master tactic,
let's see.
Tim, would you like category one,
two, three, four or five?
I'll have category four, please.
Your category is...
..counties.
Middlesex, Surrey, Sussex.
Six seconds left.
Um... Oh, er...
WHISTLE TOOTS
He's hit his target!
So, Russell,
you've written down three. Uh-huh.
Would you like category one, two,
three or five?
Can I have three?
You have ten seconds
to try to say...
..three colours.
LAUGHTER
Eggs.
No, green, red, blue.
WHISTLE BLOWS
He's done it, he's done it!
Hello, Asim. Hello.
You're trying to hit four.
Would you like category one, two,
or five?
I'll go for one. You've got
ten seconds to say four...
..countries. OK.
England, America, Germany, Italy.
WHISTLE BLOWS
He's hit his target!
OK, Liza. Yeah.
Would you like category number two
or category number five?
I'm going to go with category
number five and, you know...
I want you to say five...
..continents.
Asia, Europe, Antarctica.
Erm...
Oh, do you know what?
I cannot think of anything.
WHISTLE BLOWS
She's missed her target.
She's missed her target,
she's missed her target.
Oh! I'm out.
Alice, you've said five. Oh, God.
Would you like category two?
Yes, please. OK.
You've got ten seconds to
say five...
..crustaceans.
Lobster, crab, prawn, shrimp,
Boston bay bugs.
Wow, that last one knocked it
right out of the park.
WHISTLE BLOWS
CHEERING
Why don't you all come down
and we'll see how that's affected
the points for the whole show?
How did they do, sweet cheeks?
Thank you. Um, they did well.
Boston bay bugs... Yep.
As we all know, it's the common
name for Thenus orientalis.
Ah. It's a type of lobster.
Lobsters are crustaceans,
which means that she hit
her target of five and Alice Levine
wins that task. Bam!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It goes five to Alice, four to Asim,
three to Tim and Russell,
and one, in last place, for Liza.
So how has that affected
the final scores?
It was a tight tussle, but
the winner, with 23 points, is...
..Mr Tim Vine!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tim Vine is the rightful winner.
Please shoot off
and reap your rewards.
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that Asim Chaudhry has
an announcement to make -
he isn't a vegan any more.
We've also learnt
that Tim Vine has a nun.
But tonight's winner is Tim Vine,
and for that we're all thankful.
Thank you, everyone,
well done, Tim, goodnight.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media