Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - One Warm Prawn - full transcript
Can the funky five work out what's in the so-called baby food and other preposterous tasks?
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Ah!
Oh...
Come on!
Yeah!
Erm...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Thank you. Hello, I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.
It's still too early to tell which
of our five comedic competitors
is going to take home
this bacon-flavoured trophy.
But it's not too early
to introduce them
and begin the ritualistic
humiliation process.
So, here they are
and these are their names.
Please welcome Alice Levine...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
..Asim Chaudhry...
..Liza Tarbuck...
..Russell Howard...
..and Tim Vine.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And just pulling up next to me...
Oh, who's this?
Brum-brum-brum-brum-brum!
He's parked. It's little Alex Horne!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Hello, Greg. Here I am. Hi.
I'm in a very good mood today. Good.
Do you want to know why?
Yes, I do.
It's because I've rented a cape.
You rented one? Mm.
You didn't think to buy one?
Have you seen the price?
Are they bad, capes, are they?
Yep.
So, later on, I might put
the cape on. Yep. OK?
What do I say to that?
What's that for a
banter kicking off point?
We have to start the show now.
Of course we do. So, it's time
for the prize task and this week,
the players are playing for a proper
bonus at the end of the show
because, this week,
we've asked them to bring in
the most magnificent day trip.
Ooh. AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Yes, whoever suggests the
best day trip will win the
first five points of the show.
The person with the most points
at the end of the episode
will need to find five free days
in their busy schedules
to have a great day out
at the expense of their rivals, OK?
This week, I'm going to
start with, erm...
Oh, Russell Howard. What
day trip have you purchased?
Well, it's twofold, you'll be
spending the day with my mum
and you'll be going to
Aqualand in Benidorm.
Now... AUDIENCE: Ooh. Wow. Yes.
Honestly, it looks like
we have a winner. Yeah.
If I'm judging...
Who doesn't like an aqua park?
Correct. Shall I show you...?
There it is. Wow.
Yeah, I mean, that's a quiet day.
If we go over here, if we had sort
of Google Earth, you could flip it
and you'd see a ride
called the Yellow Peril,
which is the scariest
of all the rides.
Because instead of water they use
piss, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Come on! That's going to take some
beating, as far as I'm concerned,
but we'll move on. OK. Liza Tarbuck,
welcome to the show.
Thanks. Tell me about your day trip.
So, I'm going to collect you,
one, by a car - natch.
And then you'll be taken to a
master tailor's, Mr Tim Everest,
in central London where
he will measure you up
for a good, smart coat,
cos everyone needs one.
Or a cape. No. Not a cape? A coat.
The tailor, Timothy Everest. Yeah.
It says, "Vogue says he's
dressed some of the world's
"most famous people," so he'll
be broadening his range. Yeah.
And then when
we've done all of that,
we'll be met by a blue plaque
walking tour person,
who will take us round that
particular area of London,
pointing out such
interesting facts as,
"This is where Jimi Hendrix lived."
And then we'll have a nice
late lunch, early supper
with four mystery guests
in a top London eatery
and I'll pack you off home
after that. See you!
Are there any log flumes
on the journey?
No, not even one.
Well, then you're going
to have to entice us
with who the mystery guests are. No.
Depends who won it. Ah.
I'd suit guests accordingly.
OK. Oh, so they're not
fixed mystery guests.
Two people would have to be
in the country as well.
It's international. Wow. Yeah.
It sounds like a rarefied trip
and no mistake.
Asim, what's your day trip?
My thing is, basically, I like
to go to, like, museums and shit.
I went to Barcelona and
I went to the Gaudi Museum.
Cultured, I know,
I'm very cultured. Yeah.
And I just took pictures of me
doing stupid shit around the museum.
So, like, there was
a painting of Hercules
and I looked exactly, like,
physique-wise, exactly the same.
That's good. Look at the...
Nah, but, I mean, like...
Look at the width, look at the
girth, yeah? Look at that.
That's what it'll be, we'll just
go around, have a lovely day,
we'll get a kebab afterwards.
All right? It's all right.
It's not bad.
Alice, what's your day trip?
So, my day trip is a Travelcard,
zones 1-6.
You can go to the farthest reaches,
look at that... Wow!
..635 stops at your disposal.
Do you like maroon?
Go on the Metropolitan line.
Erm, and...
Can I check some details?
How many stops did you say
there were? I think it's 635...
270. 270, yeah.
It kind of averages out
at that, yeah. Yeah.
Er, Tim. First of all, we go to
a place just off the A3,
which is a, it's a crazy golf course
called Jurassic Encounters,
and it's crazy golf and you're
surrounded by model dinosaurs.
Then we go to lunch in Cheam
village, which is my hometown.
Right. And we go to a small burger
restaurant called the American Way
and they have a radio station
that plays, in the American Way,
called American Way-dio.
And guess who the DJ is?
There's also a burger named after me
as well, not named after me...
I've got that as well,
if you want to...
It's called the You Must Be Joking
Burger, as recommended by Tim Vine.
Then we go to Sutton United,
which is not far away,
and we take free kicks
and penalties
against their reserve goalkeeper,
if he's available.
Well, there we go, Greg. So...
..we know who's last.
Asim... What? It seems to me that
you just went on a trip
to Barcelona and you've tried
to thrill it up by offering
fucking about in museums
and I didn't buy it,
so I'm putting him
in second to last place.
You notice I'm not even
mentioning Alice. Yes. OK.
I really struggled between Russell
and Liza for third place,
and the reason that I'm giving it
to poor Russell...
So, three points to Russell,
four points to Liza?
I'm giving him three because
Liza pulled me in
with her mystery guest thing.
OK. Cos they could be anyone.
They might be awful.
They might be someone I love.
And because it's so specific,
and tragic...
..I'm giving five points to the
king of Cheam. Wow.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Right, then, what's the first task
proper, please, Alex Horne?
Here it comes, so tuck yourselves
in, grab a cup of cocoa
and sleep tight.
Hello, Alice. Bella.
How you doing? Me? Yeah.
Good. Why? Just asking. OK.
"Write, illustrate and read out
a bedtime story for grown-ups."
"Your bedtime story for grown-ups
may be no more
"or fewer than 50 words."
"Most engrossing bedtime
story for grown-ups wins.
"You have one hour.
Your time starts now."
I love it. That's brilliant.
Well, this is right up my street.
Right up my street.
Would you like any pens?
I'd like some pencils and pens.
And a side of attitude, apparently.
Erm...
That was quite intimidating,
wasn't it?
Yeah, I feel victimised...
Yeah, yeah. ..actually.
We'll fill out a form together.
Thank you.
I immediately feel better.
So, first up with an alternative
take on the classic fairy tale,
it's Vine...
..Alice Levine.
SHE YAWNS
It's been a long day, hasn't it?
Shall we read a bedtime story?
I'm Alice Levine and this is
A Grown-Up Alphabet Book
"Once upon a time
you became a grown-up,
"which can be a bit rubbish,
"but does mean you now get to use
some useful words - kinda.
"Asshole.
DONKEY BRAYS
"Bellend.
BELL RINGS
"Cocknose.
"Dickweed.
"Erection, Fanny, Gobshite.
"Handjob.
"Ipsism, Jerk, Knobhead.
"Lameass.
"Muff.
"Nuts.
"Orgasm.
"Piss.
"Quim.
"Rufty.
"Shipbag, Twat, Underwear.
"Vjayjay.
"Wanker, X-rated, Yanking.
"Zach."
Night-night.
APPLAUSE
Just being devil's advocate,
was it a story?
I think in a book shop that would
be in the storybook area.
I disagree. I...
I thought you'd be way
more impressed with that.
No, no... Well, it's better
than the Tube ticket.
Liza, ready? Yeah.
OK, this is Liza Tarbuck's story.
This is a story
about a scatterbrained man.
"There was once a
scatterbrained man.
"He was very good at his job,
"but not very good at looking
after himself.
"One day he was hungry
"and remembered an
old prawn sandwich...
"..in his car.
"He shat himself inside out.
"You made some excellent
choices today.
"Well done."
APPLAUSE
Thank you. I'm obsessed with font,
I am.
The artwork was lovely,
the presentation...
..was overwhelming
because I found, watching this,
I just wanted to snuggle up
at your feet.
Like a big old cat. Steady.
I'm afraid I have to tell you
that part one is now dead.
You have three minutes to
mourn its death
and then chin up,
here comes part two.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster,
series six, episode three.
If you're unaware of
what's currently going on,
a 39-year-old man
who's hired a cape...
..against my will,
is about to fill you in.
In the sadly departed part one,
we saw Alice and Liza's
fairy tales.
Liza's was a touchingly
haunting and educational tale
about the potentially
disastrous consequences
of bad sandwich management.
And Alice told us a
dirty version of the alphabet.
Next up, it's Asim. Asim! Asim. Eh!
HE LAUGHS
Hi, grown-up children.
My name's Asim Chaudhry and I'm
going to tell you a little story.
It's called Upset Tummy,
AKA The Shits,
based on real events.
"It was a rainy night,
Asim had his big umbrella
"He wanted a little bite,
decided on fish paella.
"Monkfish, muscles,
crayfish and prawn
"Washed it down with a Bailey's,
his anus was torn.
"Neighbour complaining,
Asim said, "Sorry, miss!"
"He had an upset tummy
Vomiting, shifting
from every orifice.
"The end."
Ugh. Watch out for that fish, guys.
APPLAUSE
I believe I'm correct in saying
that on that day,
you did actually have the shits.
Yeah, literally I had the shits
and I thought, you know they say
write about what you know? Yeah.
I knew that I had the shits.
How brave you brought in rhyming.
Well, you know, I used to rap
and shit, so...
You went for paella and "umbreya".
Yeah.
Like Rihanna. Yeah.
Also worth mentioning the very
big umbrella. I mean, crazy big.
Very big. Colourful.
Thank you. Engaging. Thank you.
It rhymed. Thank you.
Whoop!
What was that? Next!
I nearly shat myself again, then!
There's two people left.
We're going to see
Tim Vine's first of all.
Ready for Tim's?
I hope it's about pooing.
Ah... Oh, hello.
I'm Tim Vine and I've got a story
for your children and grown-ups.
Benny The Toad.
"Benny had a music exam
but his clarinet reed was broken.
"Susan Carrot couldn't help.
"Then Ed the Potato Peeler arrived.
"Through a process
of hollowing and scraping,
"Ed turned Susan
into a clarinet reed.
"Benny got A in his exam.
Cooperation is everything.
"Vote Green Party."
APPLAUSE
Daring to make a
political statement
at the end of a children's story.
It was solely because I realised
as I got to the end
there needed to be
some adult content.
Someone was harmed in it, but...
Susan.
Susan, thank you. Well, I think
if you look at the last picture,
Susan is in the place
of the clarinet reed
and has still got a smiley face.
Would that translate
into the real world,
if someone was
graphically mutilated?
Well, I suppose not all fiction
is repeatable in the real world.
No. What?
I didn't know what
I meant by that either.
ASIM: Vote Green Party!
Who's left? It's horny
Russell Howard.
Here he is, Russell Howard.
Hello, adults. I'm Russell Howard.
This is called Destiny.
"Alex's erection twitched
as he watched Greg sleep.
"Suddenly Bobby Davro burst in.
" 'Fuck off!' roared Alex,
grabbing the axe.
"He tossed Davro into the pit.
" 'It'll happen,'
screamed Michael Ball.
" 'Yeah!' roared Sinitta.
'It's inevitable.'
" 'Never!' bellowed Alex,
urinating on their faces.
"Greg would never do panto.
"Not never."
APPLAUSE
What?
I don't know what the
hell's going on.
You were asleep. I was asleep.
Alex is a fan of yours, he
was aroused. Big fan. Suddenly...
He was sexually aroused,
watching me sleep. Yeah, and...
Feasible.
Alex threw Bobby Davro into a pit
and there were lots of people
from light entertainment
that were trying to drag you
into their world. OK.
But Alex urinated on them
and saved the day.
I bellowed at them as well. You did.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
No, I've never bellowed. I'd like
to see you do a bellow, actually.
OK. Right now.
Stop!
APPLAUSE
I've never done that before.
OK, do you want to start
with one point? Yes.
I thought some nice drawings, but
you get one point, I'm really sorry.
So, one point to Alice. I'm only
doing this to you, Tim,
because I think that you tried to
save it with an adult theme
right in the last minute,
cos I think my nieces
would enjoy your story of clarinet
based mutilation. Two for Tim. Yes.
I'm giving three points
to two people,
because their stories
were different,
but they were modern
and graphic and exciting.
So, I'm giving three points to
Russell and to Asim. OK.
And the reason I'm doing that
is the most rounded adult tale
was ahead by a country mile. OK.
That person is Liza Tarbuck.
Thank you. Five points.
APPLAUSE
Hit me with your
best scoreboard, Alex Horne.
OK, the first scoreboard of
the episode looks like this.
Liza Tarbuck is in the lead
with nine points.
APPLAUSE
I like nine, I like nine.
There we go. Very good.
On we go to the next task.
Very good. OK, roll VT. Here we go.
Hi, baby cakes. Baby cakes? OK.
All right, mate? Oh, hello.
Hello, Russell. Hello.
Right.
"To whom it may concern..."
"Make something spin
for the longest."
"Your thing must not be a person."
"You have ten minutes to prepare
for your spin
"and one attempt at spinning."
"Your time starts now."
My first thoughts are,
is that a sycamore tree?
Spin...
Yeah, it is. I'm going in.
APPLAUSE
OK, so just to say, they had
ten minutes to start their spin.
They could only spin once.
If the spin carried on after the
ten minutes had ended that's fine,
but they had to stop
assisting the spin.
But if it carried on spinning,
that's fine. Ready?
Yeah, that's clear. Good.
We're going to start by seeing
Tim and Alice's spin attempts.
Good.
Make something spin for the longest.
No record player.
In theory, spinning a record
is a thing that you do
even with different technology.
It doesn't say I can't hold it,
does it?
I'm going to spin a record.
MUSIC PLAYS
It doesn't say I can't hold it,
it just says... Exactly.
Right, well, start, please.
Start, please, now.
You want to try? OK, go.
Cold.
Yes?
Is it spinning? Yeah.
Is it rolling?
It's spinning.
Two minutes 15...
..to go.
You ready? Is this your spin?
This is the spin.
You have one attempt at spinning.
OK.
I'm going to time it.
For as long as poss?
For as long as possible.
45 seconds to go.
OK. OK, let's see how
long your spin is. OK.
And you're going to have to put
it down on the whistle.
BLOWS WHISTLE
APPLAUSE
That's got to be, that felt
like a minute and a half.
OK. Thank you. OK, don't be long.
Goodbye.
APPLAUSE
Sometimes people come from
the back of the pack
and surge forward, don't they,
in any competition?
It's going to start looking
like I'm picking on Alice,
but did she physically spin
a record? Was something spinning?
Well, she pressed play on the phone.
Right, OK, so she didn't.
The bottle spun for 2.2 seconds.
I will take that,
that's better than I thought. OK.
Tim, I mean, is the ball spinning,
that's the debate?
Yes, it was spinning. OK.
It can't help but spin.
It's like the world,
it's like the globe.
It is like the globe.
Yeah, I recorded a time
of 3 minutes 47
before you let go of it,
so three 3 minutes 47 total.
It was a very good attempt.
And yours wasn't.
Good news for part three fans,
it's coming up next.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Oh, my!
And, oh, hello.
It's part three and our five comics
are playing for some day trips.
Mm. They've been trying to
make things spin and, so far,
with quite a small amount
of success.
We've only seen Tim and Alice's
attempts at this point,
so everyone's hopeful there's some
more stimulating television to come.
Here are Asim and Liza
doing the same task.
I mean, the obvious choice is that.
Right, I've got a few bits.
Got your tapes? Yeah, I'm
hoping for something good here.
BICYCLE BELL RINGS
Yeah?
Ooh, look at that, actually.
That's quite an
interesting sort of, like...
"Ooh! Don't do that to me. Ooh!"
I reckon...
..wind that up and
just keep on winding it
and then let it go and then
we'll record that.
I think that would be hard to beat.
It's just something to
add a little bit of showbiz
to the whole proceeding.
Oh, you're going to love this.
Let's do it.
I'm starting the clock now.
As long as it's spinning,
it doesn't need to be too fast.
I don't want it to...
Hey! Don't go bloody nuts, liz.
So, three minutes until
it's got to do it by itself.
OK. Can you met me know, Alex,
when there's 30 seconds left?
Yes, I can.
So, I've got a bit of an issue
with the switch, haven't I?
It hasn't stopped spinning yet.
Of course.
I forgot, one go.
Ten seconds.
I need it to be...
..held up.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, that's shit.
How the fuck did that happen?
What...?
Well, thank you, Liza.
It's a pleasure.
I will stay until
the battery runs out.
I don't... What happened?
Thank you, Asim. Thank you.
You can go and rest. Cheers.
Aw, fucking brakes.
It is alarming, isn't it?
I thought it was very interesting
that Alex said you could go
and rest afterwards.
I was fucking knackered after that.
I'm not surprised,
it was all the excitement of having
a go on your big blue bike.
Already we sort of feel like
you're becoming our adopted son.
Well, I've got daddy issues
so if you want to be my dad,
I'm all for it, mate.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
A beautiful thing.
APPLAUSE
This is the weirdest
fucking family portrait
you'll ever see in your life.
Have we, erm...? I enjoyed that.
Have we still got that blue bike?
Yes, it's your property.
Give it to Asim. Aww.
Erm... Lovely, lovely attempt.
You messed it up by putting
some pressure on the bike,
of course, in...
Yeah, on the brakes.
It was definitely spinning,
that wheel, wasn't it?
How long was it spinning for?
Well, he was doing
that for 5 minutes 57
and then it carried on for
about another two seconds cos,
as you said, the brakes were on.
Yeah. So it just stopped.
That's why you found it so hard...
Yeah.
Liza, interesting.
Like this powerful Brownie
leader, she went,
"Right, let's get this done."
And then...
..you buggered a toy lizard...
..with a drill. Jazz!
It looked great, didn't it?
Popped a picture of me in its mouth
and let it spin.
I've been eyeballing that
lizard for a while.
I'm so excited to hear the minute
score because I know it's going
to be pretty colossal.
Yeah, the battery ran out, well,
it was the same length of time
as Evil Dead II. What?
84 minutes it span for. Wow.
It's a big one. A pretty good go!
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much.
But there's one person left.
It's Russell Howard's spin.
Here we go.
So, I'm going to put this
tea towel in here.
I'm going to put it on a quick wash.
And, er, get spinning.
Wait, something's happening.
She's not spinning yet, Alex.
One thing I know
about washing machines,
that they are obsessed
with spinning.
She's filling up.
I mean, it says it's a quick wash
but this is taking ages.
But it hasn't started spinning
yet... There you go.
It's spinning, is it? Uh-huh.
OK, I've started the clock.
Like you've never seen.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Has it stopped? Yeah.
Bollocks! I thought
I'd absolutely smashed that.
Piece of shit.
That's really upset me,
that has, Alex.
It was a good idea.
It was a great idea, Russell.
APPLAUSE
It was horrible.
You can't beat a genuine and
heartfelt "for fuck's sake".
OK, Alice Levine, 2.2 seconds.
Russell, 10 seconds.
Then we've got three points for Tim,
with 3 minutes 47,
four to Asim,
but Liza gets the five points
with 84 minutes.
APPLAUSE
Alex, what's next? It's your
favourite sort of task, Greg.
It's a gross out task.
Mm, I like them.
Hello, mate.
Oh, God.
Went through the door too quick.
Right.
What the heck is this, I wonder?
That looks like
decomposing tuna sweetcorn.
"Work out the flavours
of these baby foods."
"Most accurate flavour
guesses wins."
Oh, God, that's disgusting.
"You have ten minutes."
"Your time starts now.
"Also, there's a bonus point for
whoever eats the most baby food."
I bet there is.
We haven't had lunch yet,
so let's not knock it.
If it has definitely been
swiped from a baby this morning
then I'm good to go.
APPLAUSE
They all seem to assume, Alex,
it was real baby food. Yeah.
Yeah, that may or may not
have been the case. Yep.
Not the case. Not the case.
We're going to start with
Alice Levine's attempt. Oh, God.
Alice, don't be like that.
You've had a belting show.
OK, let's go with this one first.
Let's look at the texture. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I'm going to say fish.
I'm going to be that vague.
I'm going to say fish.
DING
Why do they all taste of off-fish?
Why do babies like off-fish?
Oh, this one's sweet.
It's like sweet fish.
DING
Are they all just variants
on disgusting, rotten fish?
So, we're going with fish,
fish and sweet fish.
Yep. Fish, fish...
DING
..sweet fish.
DING
Most repulsive,
second most repulsive,
third most repulsive.
DING
APPLAUSE
What's with the using
the end of the spoon?
It was the only way to
get the smallest portion
of what was in the jar, cos as soon
as you opened it, it was traumatic.
My eyes watered when
I opened the first jar.
You looked like we were
attempting to poison you.
You looked frightened.
I can tell you what the things
were now in them.
It's what I imagine babies
should like.
The first one, it was a combination
of sausages and sugar puffs.
Ugh!
That's what smelt so bad.
In jar two, you said fish.
They were pilchards and coconut.
So, we got one, then. You got a ding
for fish there, then. Yeah.
And the third one, a three course
dinner, prawn cocktail,
chicken breast and chocolate cake.
Delicious!
Bit of a ding for prawn cocktail?
You got a bit of a ding.
Yeah, you got a ding. Yeah.
I've got you down as two
half-correct answers.
Sure, I'll take that, and a
stomach pump after that, so...
You also ate a total of 6g of it,
which is the equivalent
of one sheet of paper.
Which is weird to imagine it
as a sheet of paper. Yeah.
It's almost like you've deliberately
chosen a sheet of paper.
I did, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Really annoying me.
Who's next? Russell and Tim.
Russell Howard and Tim Vine, ready?
Yep. OK.
So, number one.
No wonder they're always crying,
look at the shit they're fed.
Oh, gosh, why am I finding
this disgusting?
It looks like someone's
minced a sparrow.
That is stuffing.
I'm going to say that's a
Sunday dinner, all mushed up
to provide something
fucking hideous.
HE SNIFFS
Well, that's definitely
some sort of fish.
DING
Fuck! That is, erm...
..fish.
DING
It's sort of mackerel
and what tastes like...
..tears.
So, that's baby tears,
mackerel and potato. Yep.
That, without any shadow of a doubt,
is a type of fish...
DING
..and I don't know what fish
it is yet. Herring and tomato.
And this...
It looks like... I'm going
to guess already
that it's some sort of mousse...
..with Weetabix.
Try a bit of that.
See what you think it is. Do
you mind feeding...? Yeah, sure.
Shall I do the aeroplane?
There you go. What are you
getting for that? Do you like that?
No.
Thank you, Tim. OK.
Well done. What do you
mean "well done"?
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
How did you find yours? Erm...
Not great, it tasted terrible.
I still thought it was baby food.
So I just felt really bad
for the babies.
Can I say as well that I think
it was interesting that you,
you ate some there, Alex, and
I think...? He scoffed it down.
But I think there's a fear
of the unknown that we had,
you knew what it was and so I think
if I'd had those ingredients
written on the jar... That would've
been a lot easier, though.
..I would've...
LAUGHTER
I did let myself down
not eating any, I agree.
No, no, I won't hear that.
LIZA: I think you're being
hard on yourself.
ALICE: Your body gives you those
warning signs to not eat things
which are going to harm you
and all of those flavour
combinations were harmful.
RUSSELL: And I think you looked most
like a baby out of all of us.
I think if you'd eaten them,
there would've been
terrible flashbacks. Yeah, yeah.
Well, I was having flashbacks
just from the smell.
Of course. We know what's in them.
Yeah.
Tell them... Mine was different,
though, wasn't it?
Yours was the same
but a vegetarian sausage
and vegetarian chicken, I don't
know what that is. I see.
Vegetarian chicken?
Yeah, that's what we bought.
All chickens are vegetarian,
aren't they? Yeah.
You ate 14g, the equivalent
of two human eyes. Wow.
So, at the moment, you're in
the lead for the bonus point.
Lovely. Hey, if anyone's up
for some adverts,
then watch the next few minutes
very carefully
and see if you can spot them.
Bye!
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Hello, you're watching
the final part of Taskmaster
where one lucky contestant will go
home with a day trip to Barcelona,
courtesy of Asim Chaudhry Holidays.
Over to my assistant,
little Alex Horne,
to fill you in on what was
happening before the break.
Do you want me to do that now?
I will. OK, hello.
I'm coming at you live.
Our five...
Our five rivals have been
guessing the flavours of baby food.
So far there's been a RAT in the
kitchen - Russell, Alice, Tim.
A RAT in... Clever, yeah. Mm-hm.
The last two are Asim and Liza.
How are their palates?
Let's find out. Oh, God.
Urgh, it's a bit dog foodie.
I'm going to say chicken stuffing.
It's stage, onion.
Lovely.
Sausage meat.
DING
It's mystery meats, isn't it?
There's bread in there as well,
I think.
That's tinned salmon in a mixer...
DING
..possibly with an onion.
There's tuna.
Sweetcorn.
Coconut.
DING
Do you like that one?
It's all right.
It's like tuna mayo
and sweetcorn, coconut.
What could be that colour?
Chestnuts.
Urgh, God. What's the little
white bits in it?
Is that a prawn?
DING
Urgh. It's like a worm!
Yeah.
I think it's Marmite,
I think it's chocolate.
DING
I mean, I think it might be
like cat food as well.
Do you have a favourite -
one, two or three? No.
Thank you, Liza. Well done.
Thank you very much.
Bye. Goodbye.
APPLAUSE
Asim was the only person who took
the things out of the jar.
So the prawns were in there
for everyone.
I think we all enjoyed that...
..filth being paraded
around the table.
Because so far in the series,
I don't think this is unfair to say,
that Asim has been
consistently shit. Yeah.
Well, he said maybe Weetabix in the
first one, instead of sugar puffs.
He said tuna, warm, one
warm prawn, he said.
One warm prawn.
I like my prawns warm.
He got the coconut.
Liza also got the coconut,
and chocolate and sausage.
So, these two, Asim just got one
extra correct bit of information.
He also ate 38g of it.
I hadn't have lunch. Yeah.
One 60th of a chihuahua.
And Liza ate 33g, a light bulb's
worth. So, yeah, pretty good.
Light bulb? Yeah, that's
how much light bulbs weigh.
So, in terms of scores, I'm afraid
Tim gets the one point,
Alice two, Russell three,
Liza four,
Asim Chaudhry gets six.
APPLAUSE
Good work! Rising like a phoenix.
Let's see the scoreboard, then. OK.
So, Asim, for the first time, has
a chance of winning an episode.
He's on 15 points,
Liza on 18 points.
APPLAUSE
Lovely, OK. Alice, Asim,
Liza, Russell and Tim,
please will you make your way
up to the stage
for the final task of the show?
APPLAUSE
You dare to wear the cape.
I've had my name embroidered
on the back. Can I see?
OK. You can keep the cape.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Who would you like to
read the task out?
Probably Liza Tarbuck. OK.
Liza.
"Catch the most socks and
put them in your laundry basket.
"You must stare straight forward
throughout the task.
"You must not touch any pants.
"You must not move the laundry
basket and if you drop a sock,
"you can't then pick it up.
"Every time you touch some pants,
you lose a sock.
"Most socks wins."
Hang on a minute. Mm-hm? Sorry,
just to clarify here.
Surely it couldn't be simpler.
Yes, there is some clarification.
Do you want me to clarify
some things? Yes, please.
OK, I'll just pop this back
in the cape.
So, socks and pants will arrive.
You have to stay staring
straight forward. Right.
By catching we mean in the hands
or the forearms, not your legs.
Sorry, erm, what do we have to do?
You're going to have to catch
socks but not pants.
It's like Crystal Maze
meets Crackerjack.
They will start falling
after the whistle.
BLOWS WHISTLE
APPLAUSE
Keep looking forward.
Keep looking forward.
Ah!
No. No. No!
Son of a bitch!
I got doubled panted.
Liza, get ready. I'm on tenterhooks.
Oh! Smell that coming.
Can I employ somebody to nod
for me or go like that?
Who are you talking to, Russell?
To somebody in the crowd,
who I'm looking straight ahead to.
They're coming!
Thank you. Ooh, they've got socks.
But once the socks are on the floor,
you can't pick them up again.
No, you can't, Asim. Oh, fuck off.
You're sitting further forward
than anyone else, Asim.
Yeah. Why's that?
I live on the edge, mate.
Oh! I caught them.
I feel like someone from
the Deep South, like,
"I hope there's not rain."
Oh!
Oh, that's my man bun,
I thought that was a sock.
Oh, sick, it is a sock.
Good catch, Alice. Oh, God.
It counts, it counts.
Did it touch the floor?
I don't touched the floor.
I think it touched the floor.
I'll tell you what, there's
an absolutely lovely lady
who's been helping me out and if
she thinks she isn't going to get
a lovely hug...
She's an absolute sweetheart.
Thanks, mate.
She's really special,
she's really helping me.
Oh, for God's sake. Oh!
APPLAUSE
BLOWS WHISTLE
Let's add those up and see how
it's affected the final score.
Come back down here and
join me, contestants.
APPLAUSE
Good man.
That was pretty tense stuff,
wasn't it? Oh. Oh...
The cape? Yeah. Yeah.
What happened, then?
I lost confidence in the cape.
Yeah, rightly so.
Socks and pants.
I want to highlight two people.
Liza's technique, remember,
it was don't touch the pants.
Her technique was to fold up
the pants.
It was to help you count them.
Yes, it did.
I have counted them.
The winning person utilised
an audience member. Yes.
Two angels rocked up, and that's
my lazy eye coming into play,
because they both thought
I was looking at them.
OK, so, Alice, she caught one sock
but touched many more pants and that
ends up on minus three points.
Jesus Christ, it's like
you wanted to lose today.
But you did get one point for
coming last in the task.
You get a point. Yeah, but that's...
It doesn't mean anything. ..got
to be a bitter point, isn't it?
Then we have Asim, Tim and Liza
who touched the same amount
of pants as they caught socks,
so ended up on zero. Oh. Oh, no.
But the winner, with two socks,
was Russell Howard. Yes!
APPLAUSE
That was my two special ladies.
Series scores-wise, Alice, who won
the first episode comfortably,
is way behind everyone else now.
Aww.
She's on 37. Asim's on 40,
Tim is also on 40,
then Russell on 48,
Liza is on 58 points.
APPLAUSE
I can also tell you that in
this episode, with 22 points,
the winner is Liza Tarbuck.
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much.
Yes, Liza is the winner
of some excellent excursions,
so go and collect your prizes.
APPLAUSE
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that if
you wake up feeling blue
and life feels lonely and pointless,
don't go one of Alice Levine's
day trips.
They're rubbish!
And, most importantly, we found out
that Liza is tonight's winner.
Well done to her, well done to you,
well done to the losers,
well done to mankind.
Shame on you, Alex Horne!
Goodnight!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
Ah!
Oh...
Come on!
Yeah!
Erm...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Thank you. Hello, I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.
It's still too early to tell which
of our five comedic competitors
is going to take home
this bacon-flavoured trophy.
But it's not too early
to introduce them
and begin the ritualistic
humiliation process.
So, here they are
and these are their names.
Please welcome Alice Levine...
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
..Asim Chaudhry...
..Liza Tarbuck...
..Russell Howard...
..and Tim Vine.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
And just pulling up next to me...
Oh, who's this?
Brum-brum-brum-brum-brum!
He's parked. It's little Alex Horne!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Hello, Greg. Here I am. Hi.
I'm in a very good mood today. Good.
Do you want to know why?
Yes, I do.
It's because I've rented a cape.
You rented one? Mm.
You didn't think to buy one?
Have you seen the price?
Are they bad, capes, are they?
Yep.
So, later on, I might put
the cape on. Yep. OK?
What do I say to that?
What's that for a
banter kicking off point?
We have to start the show now.
Of course we do. So, it's time
for the prize task and this week,
the players are playing for a proper
bonus at the end of the show
because, this week,
we've asked them to bring in
the most magnificent day trip.
Ooh. AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Yes, whoever suggests the
best day trip will win the
first five points of the show.
The person with the most points
at the end of the episode
will need to find five free days
in their busy schedules
to have a great day out
at the expense of their rivals, OK?
This week, I'm going to
start with, erm...
Oh, Russell Howard. What
day trip have you purchased?
Well, it's twofold, you'll be
spending the day with my mum
and you'll be going to
Aqualand in Benidorm.
Now... AUDIENCE: Ooh. Wow. Yes.
Honestly, it looks like
we have a winner. Yeah.
If I'm judging...
Who doesn't like an aqua park?
Correct. Shall I show you...?
There it is. Wow.
Yeah, I mean, that's a quiet day.
If we go over here, if we had sort
of Google Earth, you could flip it
and you'd see a ride
called the Yellow Peril,
which is the scariest
of all the rides.
Because instead of water they use
piss, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Come on! That's going to take some
beating, as far as I'm concerned,
but we'll move on. OK. Liza Tarbuck,
welcome to the show.
Thanks. Tell me about your day trip.
So, I'm going to collect you,
one, by a car - natch.
And then you'll be taken to a
master tailor's, Mr Tim Everest,
in central London where
he will measure you up
for a good, smart coat,
cos everyone needs one.
Or a cape. No. Not a cape? A coat.
The tailor, Timothy Everest. Yeah.
It says, "Vogue says he's
dressed some of the world's
"most famous people," so he'll
be broadening his range. Yeah.
And then when
we've done all of that,
we'll be met by a blue plaque
walking tour person,
who will take us round that
particular area of London,
pointing out such
interesting facts as,
"This is where Jimi Hendrix lived."
And then we'll have a nice
late lunch, early supper
with four mystery guests
in a top London eatery
and I'll pack you off home
after that. See you!
Are there any log flumes
on the journey?
No, not even one.
Well, then you're going
to have to entice us
with who the mystery guests are. No.
Depends who won it. Ah.
I'd suit guests accordingly.
OK. Oh, so they're not
fixed mystery guests.
Two people would have to be
in the country as well.
It's international. Wow. Yeah.
It sounds like a rarefied trip
and no mistake.
Asim, what's your day trip?
My thing is, basically, I like
to go to, like, museums and shit.
I went to Barcelona and
I went to the Gaudi Museum.
Cultured, I know,
I'm very cultured. Yeah.
And I just took pictures of me
doing stupid shit around the museum.
So, like, there was
a painting of Hercules
and I looked exactly, like,
physique-wise, exactly the same.
That's good. Look at the...
Nah, but, I mean, like...
Look at the width, look at the
girth, yeah? Look at that.
That's what it'll be, we'll just
go around, have a lovely day,
we'll get a kebab afterwards.
All right? It's all right.
It's not bad.
Alice, what's your day trip?
So, my day trip is a Travelcard,
zones 1-6.
You can go to the farthest reaches,
look at that... Wow!
..635 stops at your disposal.
Do you like maroon?
Go on the Metropolitan line.
Erm, and...
Can I check some details?
How many stops did you say
there were? I think it's 635...
270. 270, yeah.
It kind of averages out
at that, yeah. Yeah.
Er, Tim. First of all, we go to
a place just off the A3,
which is a, it's a crazy golf course
called Jurassic Encounters,
and it's crazy golf and you're
surrounded by model dinosaurs.
Then we go to lunch in Cheam
village, which is my hometown.
Right. And we go to a small burger
restaurant called the American Way
and they have a radio station
that plays, in the American Way,
called American Way-dio.
And guess who the DJ is?
There's also a burger named after me
as well, not named after me...
I've got that as well,
if you want to...
It's called the You Must Be Joking
Burger, as recommended by Tim Vine.
Then we go to Sutton United,
which is not far away,
and we take free kicks
and penalties
against their reserve goalkeeper,
if he's available.
Well, there we go, Greg. So...
..we know who's last.
Asim... What? It seems to me that
you just went on a trip
to Barcelona and you've tried
to thrill it up by offering
fucking about in museums
and I didn't buy it,
so I'm putting him
in second to last place.
You notice I'm not even
mentioning Alice. Yes. OK.
I really struggled between Russell
and Liza for third place,
and the reason that I'm giving it
to poor Russell...
So, three points to Russell,
four points to Liza?
I'm giving him three because
Liza pulled me in
with her mystery guest thing.
OK. Cos they could be anyone.
They might be awful.
They might be someone I love.
And because it's so specific,
and tragic...
..I'm giving five points to the
king of Cheam. Wow.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Right, then, what's the first task
proper, please, Alex Horne?
Here it comes, so tuck yourselves
in, grab a cup of cocoa
and sleep tight.
Hello, Alice. Bella.
How you doing? Me? Yeah.
Good. Why? Just asking. OK.
"Write, illustrate and read out
a bedtime story for grown-ups."
"Your bedtime story for grown-ups
may be no more
"or fewer than 50 words."
"Most engrossing bedtime
story for grown-ups wins.
"You have one hour.
Your time starts now."
I love it. That's brilliant.
Well, this is right up my street.
Right up my street.
Would you like any pens?
I'd like some pencils and pens.
And a side of attitude, apparently.
Erm...
That was quite intimidating,
wasn't it?
Yeah, I feel victimised...
Yeah, yeah. ..actually.
We'll fill out a form together.
Thank you.
I immediately feel better.
So, first up with an alternative
take on the classic fairy tale,
it's Vine...
..Alice Levine.
SHE YAWNS
It's been a long day, hasn't it?
Shall we read a bedtime story?
I'm Alice Levine and this is
A Grown-Up Alphabet Book
"Once upon a time
you became a grown-up,
"which can be a bit rubbish,
"but does mean you now get to use
some useful words - kinda.
"Asshole.
DONKEY BRAYS
"Bellend.
BELL RINGS
"Cocknose.
"Dickweed.
"Erection, Fanny, Gobshite.
"Handjob.
"Ipsism, Jerk, Knobhead.
"Lameass.
"Muff.
"Nuts.
"Orgasm.
"Piss.
"Quim.
"Rufty.
"Shipbag, Twat, Underwear.
"Vjayjay.
"Wanker, X-rated, Yanking.
"Zach."
Night-night.
APPLAUSE
Just being devil's advocate,
was it a story?
I think in a book shop that would
be in the storybook area.
I disagree. I...
I thought you'd be way
more impressed with that.
No, no... Well, it's better
than the Tube ticket.
Liza, ready? Yeah.
OK, this is Liza Tarbuck's story.
This is a story
about a scatterbrained man.
"There was once a
scatterbrained man.
"He was very good at his job,
"but not very good at looking
after himself.
"One day he was hungry
"and remembered an
old prawn sandwich...
"..in his car.
"He shat himself inside out.
"You made some excellent
choices today.
"Well done."
APPLAUSE
Thank you. I'm obsessed with font,
I am.
The artwork was lovely,
the presentation...
..was overwhelming
because I found, watching this,
I just wanted to snuggle up
at your feet.
Like a big old cat. Steady.
I'm afraid I have to tell you
that part one is now dead.
You have three minutes to
mourn its death
and then chin up,
here comes part two.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster,
series six, episode three.
If you're unaware of
what's currently going on,
a 39-year-old man
who's hired a cape...
..against my will,
is about to fill you in.
In the sadly departed part one,
we saw Alice and Liza's
fairy tales.
Liza's was a touchingly
haunting and educational tale
about the potentially
disastrous consequences
of bad sandwich management.
And Alice told us a
dirty version of the alphabet.
Next up, it's Asim. Asim! Asim. Eh!
HE LAUGHS
Hi, grown-up children.
My name's Asim Chaudhry and I'm
going to tell you a little story.
It's called Upset Tummy,
AKA The Shits,
based on real events.
"It was a rainy night,
Asim had his big umbrella
"He wanted a little bite,
decided on fish paella.
"Monkfish, muscles,
crayfish and prawn
"Washed it down with a Bailey's,
his anus was torn.
"Neighbour complaining,
Asim said, "Sorry, miss!"
"He had an upset tummy
Vomiting, shifting
from every orifice.
"The end."
Ugh. Watch out for that fish, guys.
APPLAUSE
I believe I'm correct in saying
that on that day,
you did actually have the shits.
Yeah, literally I had the shits
and I thought, you know they say
write about what you know? Yeah.
I knew that I had the shits.
How brave you brought in rhyming.
Well, you know, I used to rap
and shit, so...
You went for paella and "umbreya".
Yeah.
Like Rihanna. Yeah.
Also worth mentioning the very
big umbrella. I mean, crazy big.
Very big. Colourful.
Thank you. Engaging. Thank you.
It rhymed. Thank you.
Whoop!
What was that? Next!
I nearly shat myself again, then!
There's two people left.
We're going to see
Tim Vine's first of all.
Ready for Tim's?
I hope it's about pooing.
Ah... Oh, hello.
I'm Tim Vine and I've got a story
for your children and grown-ups.
Benny The Toad.
"Benny had a music exam
but his clarinet reed was broken.
"Susan Carrot couldn't help.
"Then Ed the Potato Peeler arrived.
"Through a process
of hollowing and scraping,
"Ed turned Susan
into a clarinet reed.
"Benny got A in his exam.
Cooperation is everything.
"Vote Green Party."
APPLAUSE
Daring to make a
political statement
at the end of a children's story.
It was solely because I realised
as I got to the end
there needed to be
some adult content.
Someone was harmed in it, but...
Susan.
Susan, thank you. Well, I think
if you look at the last picture,
Susan is in the place
of the clarinet reed
and has still got a smiley face.
Would that translate
into the real world,
if someone was
graphically mutilated?
Well, I suppose not all fiction
is repeatable in the real world.
No. What?
I didn't know what
I meant by that either.
ASIM: Vote Green Party!
Who's left? It's horny
Russell Howard.
Here he is, Russell Howard.
Hello, adults. I'm Russell Howard.
This is called Destiny.
"Alex's erection twitched
as he watched Greg sleep.
"Suddenly Bobby Davro burst in.
" 'Fuck off!' roared Alex,
grabbing the axe.
"He tossed Davro into the pit.
" 'It'll happen,'
screamed Michael Ball.
" 'Yeah!' roared Sinitta.
'It's inevitable.'
" 'Never!' bellowed Alex,
urinating on their faces.
"Greg would never do panto.
"Not never."
APPLAUSE
What?
I don't know what the
hell's going on.
You were asleep. I was asleep.
Alex is a fan of yours, he
was aroused. Big fan. Suddenly...
He was sexually aroused,
watching me sleep. Yeah, and...
Feasible.
Alex threw Bobby Davro into a pit
and there were lots of people
from light entertainment
that were trying to drag you
into their world. OK.
But Alex urinated on them
and saved the day.
I bellowed at them as well. You did.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
No, I've never bellowed. I'd like
to see you do a bellow, actually.
OK. Right now.
Stop!
APPLAUSE
I've never done that before.
OK, do you want to start
with one point? Yes.
I thought some nice drawings, but
you get one point, I'm really sorry.
So, one point to Alice. I'm only
doing this to you, Tim,
because I think that you tried to
save it with an adult theme
right in the last minute,
cos I think my nieces
would enjoy your story of clarinet
based mutilation. Two for Tim. Yes.
I'm giving three points
to two people,
because their stories
were different,
but they were modern
and graphic and exciting.
So, I'm giving three points to
Russell and to Asim. OK.
And the reason I'm doing that
is the most rounded adult tale
was ahead by a country mile. OK.
That person is Liza Tarbuck.
Thank you. Five points.
APPLAUSE
Hit me with your
best scoreboard, Alex Horne.
OK, the first scoreboard of
the episode looks like this.
Liza Tarbuck is in the lead
with nine points.
APPLAUSE
I like nine, I like nine.
There we go. Very good.
On we go to the next task.
Very good. OK, roll VT. Here we go.
Hi, baby cakes. Baby cakes? OK.
All right, mate? Oh, hello.
Hello, Russell. Hello.
Right.
"To whom it may concern..."
"Make something spin
for the longest."
"Your thing must not be a person."
"You have ten minutes to prepare
for your spin
"and one attempt at spinning."
"Your time starts now."
My first thoughts are,
is that a sycamore tree?
Spin...
Yeah, it is. I'm going in.
APPLAUSE
OK, so just to say, they had
ten minutes to start their spin.
They could only spin once.
If the spin carried on after the
ten minutes had ended that's fine,
but they had to stop
assisting the spin.
But if it carried on spinning,
that's fine. Ready?
Yeah, that's clear. Good.
We're going to start by seeing
Tim and Alice's spin attempts.
Good.
Make something spin for the longest.
No record player.
In theory, spinning a record
is a thing that you do
even with different technology.
It doesn't say I can't hold it,
does it?
I'm going to spin a record.
MUSIC PLAYS
It doesn't say I can't hold it,
it just says... Exactly.
Right, well, start, please.
Start, please, now.
You want to try? OK, go.
Cold.
Yes?
Is it spinning? Yeah.
Is it rolling?
It's spinning.
Two minutes 15...
..to go.
You ready? Is this your spin?
This is the spin.
You have one attempt at spinning.
OK.
I'm going to time it.
For as long as poss?
For as long as possible.
45 seconds to go.
OK. OK, let's see how
long your spin is. OK.
And you're going to have to put
it down on the whistle.
BLOWS WHISTLE
APPLAUSE
That's got to be, that felt
like a minute and a half.
OK. Thank you. OK, don't be long.
Goodbye.
APPLAUSE
Sometimes people come from
the back of the pack
and surge forward, don't they,
in any competition?
It's going to start looking
like I'm picking on Alice,
but did she physically spin
a record? Was something spinning?
Well, she pressed play on the phone.
Right, OK, so she didn't.
The bottle spun for 2.2 seconds.
I will take that,
that's better than I thought. OK.
Tim, I mean, is the ball spinning,
that's the debate?
Yes, it was spinning. OK.
It can't help but spin.
It's like the world,
it's like the globe.
It is like the globe.
Yeah, I recorded a time
of 3 minutes 47
before you let go of it,
so three 3 minutes 47 total.
It was a very good attempt.
And yours wasn't.
Good news for part three fans,
it's coming up next.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Oh, my!
And, oh, hello.
It's part three and our five comics
are playing for some day trips.
Mm. They've been trying to
make things spin and, so far,
with quite a small amount
of success.
We've only seen Tim and Alice's
attempts at this point,
so everyone's hopeful there's some
more stimulating television to come.
Here are Asim and Liza
doing the same task.
I mean, the obvious choice is that.
Right, I've got a few bits.
Got your tapes? Yeah, I'm
hoping for something good here.
BICYCLE BELL RINGS
Yeah?
Ooh, look at that, actually.
That's quite an
interesting sort of, like...
"Ooh! Don't do that to me. Ooh!"
I reckon...
..wind that up and
just keep on winding it
and then let it go and then
we'll record that.
I think that would be hard to beat.
It's just something to
add a little bit of showbiz
to the whole proceeding.
Oh, you're going to love this.
Let's do it.
I'm starting the clock now.
As long as it's spinning,
it doesn't need to be too fast.
I don't want it to...
Hey! Don't go bloody nuts, liz.
So, three minutes until
it's got to do it by itself.
OK. Can you met me know, Alex,
when there's 30 seconds left?
Yes, I can.
So, I've got a bit of an issue
with the switch, haven't I?
It hasn't stopped spinning yet.
Of course.
I forgot, one go.
Ten seconds.
I need it to be...
..held up.
WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, that's shit.
How the fuck did that happen?
What...?
Well, thank you, Liza.
It's a pleasure.
I will stay until
the battery runs out.
I don't... What happened?
Thank you, Asim. Thank you.
You can go and rest. Cheers.
Aw, fucking brakes.
It is alarming, isn't it?
I thought it was very interesting
that Alex said you could go
and rest afterwards.
I was fucking knackered after that.
I'm not surprised,
it was all the excitement of having
a go on your big blue bike.
Already we sort of feel like
you're becoming our adopted son.
Well, I've got daddy issues
so if you want to be my dad,
I'm all for it, mate.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
A beautiful thing.
APPLAUSE
This is the weirdest
fucking family portrait
you'll ever see in your life.
Have we, erm...? I enjoyed that.
Have we still got that blue bike?
Yes, it's your property.
Give it to Asim. Aww.
Erm... Lovely, lovely attempt.
You messed it up by putting
some pressure on the bike,
of course, in...
Yeah, on the brakes.
It was definitely spinning,
that wheel, wasn't it?
How long was it spinning for?
Well, he was doing
that for 5 minutes 57
and then it carried on for
about another two seconds cos,
as you said, the brakes were on.
Yeah. So it just stopped.
That's why you found it so hard...
Yeah.
Liza, interesting.
Like this powerful Brownie
leader, she went,
"Right, let's get this done."
And then...
..you buggered a toy lizard...
..with a drill. Jazz!
It looked great, didn't it?
Popped a picture of me in its mouth
and let it spin.
I've been eyeballing that
lizard for a while.
I'm so excited to hear the minute
score because I know it's going
to be pretty colossal.
Yeah, the battery ran out, well,
it was the same length of time
as Evil Dead II. What?
84 minutes it span for. Wow.
It's a big one. A pretty good go!
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much.
But there's one person left.
It's Russell Howard's spin.
Here we go.
So, I'm going to put this
tea towel in here.
I'm going to put it on a quick wash.
And, er, get spinning.
Wait, something's happening.
She's not spinning yet, Alex.
One thing I know
about washing machines,
that they are obsessed
with spinning.
She's filling up.
I mean, it says it's a quick wash
but this is taking ages.
But it hasn't started spinning
yet... There you go.
It's spinning, is it? Uh-huh.
OK, I've started the clock.
Like you've never seen.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Has it stopped? Yeah.
Bollocks! I thought
I'd absolutely smashed that.
Piece of shit.
That's really upset me,
that has, Alex.
It was a good idea.
It was a great idea, Russell.
APPLAUSE
It was horrible.
You can't beat a genuine and
heartfelt "for fuck's sake".
OK, Alice Levine, 2.2 seconds.
Russell, 10 seconds.
Then we've got three points for Tim,
with 3 minutes 47,
four to Asim,
but Liza gets the five points
with 84 minutes.
APPLAUSE
Alex, what's next? It's your
favourite sort of task, Greg.
It's a gross out task.
Mm, I like them.
Hello, mate.
Oh, God.
Went through the door too quick.
Right.
What the heck is this, I wonder?
That looks like
decomposing tuna sweetcorn.
"Work out the flavours
of these baby foods."
"Most accurate flavour
guesses wins."
Oh, God, that's disgusting.
"You have ten minutes."
"Your time starts now.
"Also, there's a bonus point for
whoever eats the most baby food."
I bet there is.
We haven't had lunch yet,
so let's not knock it.
If it has definitely been
swiped from a baby this morning
then I'm good to go.
APPLAUSE
They all seem to assume, Alex,
it was real baby food. Yeah.
Yeah, that may or may not
have been the case. Yep.
Not the case. Not the case.
We're going to start with
Alice Levine's attempt. Oh, God.
Alice, don't be like that.
You've had a belting show.
OK, let's go with this one first.
Let's look at the texture. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I'm going to say fish.
I'm going to be that vague.
I'm going to say fish.
DING
Why do they all taste of off-fish?
Why do babies like off-fish?
Oh, this one's sweet.
It's like sweet fish.
DING
Are they all just variants
on disgusting, rotten fish?
So, we're going with fish,
fish and sweet fish.
Yep. Fish, fish...
DING
..sweet fish.
DING
Most repulsive,
second most repulsive,
third most repulsive.
DING
APPLAUSE
What's with the using
the end of the spoon?
It was the only way to
get the smallest portion
of what was in the jar, cos as soon
as you opened it, it was traumatic.
My eyes watered when
I opened the first jar.
You looked like we were
attempting to poison you.
You looked frightened.
I can tell you what the things
were now in them.
It's what I imagine babies
should like.
The first one, it was a combination
of sausages and sugar puffs.
Ugh!
That's what smelt so bad.
In jar two, you said fish.
They were pilchards and coconut.
So, we got one, then. You got a ding
for fish there, then. Yeah.
And the third one, a three course
dinner, prawn cocktail,
chicken breast and chocolate cake.
Delicious!
Bit of a ding for prawn cocktail?
You got a bit of a ding.
Yeah, you got a ding. Yeah.
I've got you down as two
half-correct answers.
Sure, I'll take that, and a
stomach pump after that, so...
You also ate a total of 6g of it,
which is the equivalent
of one sheet of paper.
Which is weird to imagine it
as a sheet of paper. Yeah.
It's almost like you've deliberately
chosen a sheet of paper.
I did, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Really annoying me.
Who's next? Russell and Tim.
Russell Howard and Tim Vine, ready?
Yep. OK.
So, number one.
No wonder they're always crying,
look at the shit they're fed.
Oh, gosh, why am I finding
this disgusting?
It looks like someone's
minced a sparrow.
That is stuffing.
I'm going to say that's a
Sunday dinner, all mushed up
to provide something
fucking hideous.
HE SNIFFS
Well, that's definitely
some sort of fish.
DING
Fuck! That is, erm...
..fish.
DING
It's sort of mackerel
and what tastes like...
..tears.
So, that's baby tears,
mackerel and potato. Yep.
That, without any shadow of a doubt,
is a type of fish...
DING
..and I don't know what fish
it is yet. Herring and tomato.
And this...
It looks like... I'm going
to guess already
that it's some sort of mousse...
..with Weetabix.
Try a bit of that.
See what you think it is. Do
you mind feeding...? Yeah, sure.
Shall I do the aeroplane?
There you go. What are you
getting for that? Do you like that?
No.
Thank you, Tim. OK.
Well done. What do you
mean "well done"?
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
How did you find yours? Erm...
Not great, it tasted terrible.
I still thought it was baby food.
So I just felt really bad
for the babies.
Can I say as well that I think
it was interesting that you,
you ate some there, Alex, and
I think...? He scoffed it down.
But I think there's a fear
of the unknown that we had,
you knew what it was and so I think
if I'd had those ingredients
written on the jar... That would've
been a lot easier, though.
..I would've...
LAUGHTER
I did let myself down
not eating any, I agree.
No, no, I won't hear that.
LIZA: I think you're being
hard on yourself.
ALICE: Your body gives you those
warning signs to not eat things
which are going to harm you
and all of those flavour
combinations were harmful.
RUSSELL: And I think you looked most
like a baby out of all of us.
I think if you'd eaten them,
there would've been
terrible flashbacks. Yeah, yeah.
Well, I was having flashbacks
just from the smell.
Of course. We know what's in them.
Yeah.
Tell them... Mine was different,
though, wasn't it?
Yours was the same
but a vegetarian sausage
and vegetarian chicken, I don't
know what that is. I see.
Vegetarian chicken?
Yeah, that's what we bought.
All chickens are vegetarian,
aren't they? Yeah.
You ate 14g, the equivalent
of two human eyes. Wow.
So, at the moment, you're in
the lead for the bonus point.
Lovely. Hey, if anyone's up
for some adverts,
then watch the next few minutes
very carefully
and see if you can spot them.
Bye!
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Hello, you're watching
the final part of Taskmaster
where one lucky contestant will go
home with a day trip to Barcelona,
courtesy of Asim Chaudhry Holidays.
Over to my assistant,
little Alex Horne,
to fill you in on what was
happening before the break.
Do you want me to do that now?
I will. OK, hello.
I'm coming at you live.
Our five...
Our five rivals have been
guessing the flavours of baby food.
So far there's been a RAT in the
kitchen - Russell, Alice, Tim.
A RAT in... Clever, yeah. Mm-hm.
The last two are Asim and Liza.
How are their palates?
Let's find out. Oh, God.
Urgh, it's a bit dog foodie.
I'm going to say chicken stuffing.
It's stage, onion.
Lovely.
Sausage meat.
DING
It's mystery meats, isn't it?
There's bread in there as well,
I think.
That's tinned salmon in a mixer...
DING
..possibly with an onion.
There's tuna.
Sweetcorn.
Coconut.
DING
Do you like that one?
It's all right.
It's like tuna mayo
and sweetcorn, coconut.
What could be that colour?
Chestnuts.
Urgh, God. What's the little
white bits in it?
Is that a prawn?
DING
Urgh. It's like a worm!
Yeah.
I think it's Marmite,
I think it's chocolate.
DING
I mean, I think it might be
like cat food as well.
Do you have a favourite -
one, two or three? No.
Thank you, Liza. Well done.
Thank you very much.
Bye. Goodbye.
APPLAUSE
Asim was the only person who took
the things out of the jar.
So the prawns were in there
for everyone.
I think we all enjoyed that...
..filth being paraded
around the table.
Because so far in the series,
I don't think this is unfair to say,
that Asim has been
consistently shit. Yeah.
Well, he said maybe Weetabix in the
first one, instead of sugar puffs.
He said tuna, warm, one
warm prawn, he said.
One warm prawn.
I like my prawns warm.
He got the coconut.
Liza also got the coconut,
and chocolate and sausage.
So, these two, Asim just got one
extra correct bit of information.
He also ate 38g of it.
I hadn't have lunch. Yeah.
One 60th of a chihuahua.
And Liza ate 33g, a light bulb's
worth. So, yeah, pretty good.
Light bulb? Yeah, that's
how much light bulbs weigh.
So, in terms of scores, I'm afraid
Tim gets the one point,
Alice two, Russell three,
Liza four,
Asim Chaudhry gets six.
APPLAUSE
Good work! Rising like a phoenix.
Let's see the scoreboard, then. OK.
So, Asim, for the first time, has
a chance of winning an episode.
He's on 15 points,
Liza on 18 points.
APPLAUSE
Lovely, OK. Alice, Asim,
Liza, Russell and Tim,
please will you make your way
up to the stage
for the final task of the show?
APPLAUSE
You dare to wear the cape.
I've had my name embroidered
on the back. Can I see?
OK. You can keep the cape.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Who would you like to
read the task out?
Probably Liza Tarbuck. OK.
Liza.
"Catch the most socks and
put them in your laundry basket.
"You must stare straight forward
throughout the task.
"You must not touch any pants.
"You must not move the laundry
basket and if you drop a sock,
"you can't then pick it up.
"Every time you touch some pants,
you lose a sock.
"Most socks wins."
Hang on a minute. Mm-hm? Sorry,
just to clarify here.
Surely it couldn't be simpler.
Yes, there is some clarification.
Do you want me to clarify
some things? Yes, please.
OK, I'll just pop this back
in the cape.
So, socks and pants will arrive.
You have to stay staring
straight forward. Right.
By catching we mean in the hands
or the forearms, not your legs.
Sorry, erm, what do we have to do?
You're going to have to catch
socks but not pants.
It's like Crystal Maze
meets Crackerjack.
They will start falling
after the whistle.
BLOWS WHISTLE
APPLAUSE
Keep looking forward.
Keep looking forward.
Ah!
No. No. No!
Son of a bitch!
I got doubled panted.
Liza, get ready. I'm on tenterhooks.
Oh! Smell that coming.
Can I employ somebody to nod
for me or go like that?
Who are you talking to, Russell?
To somebody in the crowd,
who I'm looking straight ahead to.
They're coming!
Thank you. Ooh, they've got socks.
But once the socks are on the floor,
you can't pick them up again.
No, you can't, Asim. Oh, fuck off.
You're sitting further forward
than anyone else, Asim.
Yeah. Why's that?
I live on the edge, mate.
Oh! I caught them.
I feel like someone from
the Deep South, like,
"I hope there's not rain."
Oh!
Oh, that's my man bun,
I thought that was a sock.
Oh, sick, it is a sock.
Good catch, Alice. Oh, God.
It counts, it counts.
Did it touch the floor?
I don't touched the floor.
I think it touched the floor.
I'll tell you what, there's
an absolutely lovely lady
who's been helping me out and if
she thinks she isn't going to get
a lovely hug...
She's an absolute sweetheart.
Thanks, mate.
She's really special,
she's really helping me.
Oh, for God's sake. Oh!
APPLAUSE
BLOWS WHISTLE
Let's add those up and see how
it's affected the final score.
Come back down here and
join me, contestants.
APPLAUSE
Good man.
That was pretty tense stuff,
wasn't it? Oh. Oh...
The cape? Yeah. Yeah.
What happened, then?
I lost confidence in the cape.
Yeah, rightly so.
Socks and pants.
I want to highlight two people.
Liza's technique, remember,
it was don't touch the pants.
Her technique was to fold up
the pants.
It was to help you count them.
Yes, it did.
I have counted them.
The winning person utilised
an audience member. Yes.
Two angels rocked up, and that's
my lazy eye coming into play,
because they both thought
I was looking at them.
OK, so, Alice, she caught one sock
but touched many more pants and that
ends up on minus three points.
Jesus Christ, it's like
you wanted to lose today.
But you did get one point for
coming last in the task.
You get a point. Yeah, but that's...
It doesn't mean anything. ..got
to be a bitter point, isn't it?
Then we have Asim, Tim and Liza
who touched the same amount
of pants as they caught socks,
so ended up on zero. Oh. Oh, no.
But the winner, with two socks,
was Russell Howard. Yes!
APPLAUSE
That was my two special ladies.
Series scores-wise, Alice, who won
the first episode comfortably,
is way behind everyone else now.
Aww.
She's on 37. Asim's on 40,
Tim is also on 40,
then Russell on 48,
Liza is on 58 points.
APPLAUSE
I can also tell you that in
this episode, with 22 points,
the winner is Liza Tarbuck.
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much.
Yes, Liza is the winner
of some excellent excursions,
so go and collect your prizes.
APPLAUSE
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that if
you wake up feeling blue
and life feels lonely and pointless,
don't go one of Alice Levine's
day trips.
They're rubbish!
And, most importantly, we found out
that Liza is tonight's winner.
Well done to her, well done to you,
well done to the losers,
well done to mankind.
Shame on you, Alex Horne!
Goodnight!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media