Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - A Wind-Dried Puffin - full transcript
Who can make to best water cooler video and other asinine tasks await the guests this week.
Ahh!
Oh, my God!
No!
Yes!
Help!
Oh, yes!
Hello, I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.
Thanks for having us in your lives.
It's episode five of series five
and there are five contestants,
each waiting to battle it out
for a maximum of five points
in the five tasks we've scheduled
for tonight's competition.
Coincidence?
Yeah, it is coincidence.
Let's meet the people with a rampant
desire to take home this...
Oooh!
..overtly sensual statue trophy.
Please welcome our contestants.
They are Aisling Bea!
Bob Mortimer!
Mike Watson!
Nish Kumar!
And Sally Phillips!
And, as pathetic as he is
sycophantic,
desperate and irritating,
it's Alex Horne!
Hello.
Thank you for writing your own
introduction! Pleasure!
What else have you been up to?
I've been very busy, actually.
I've been mainly working...
I've been working on my alibi,
quite a lot.
Just, uh... I'm fairly convinced I'm
gonna be caught up in a serious
crime,
so I'm just getting my story
straight. OK.
You haven't done a crime?
Not yet. So I'm just, um...
No, I don't think I will, but if
I do get caught up in something,
I need witnesses.
Where were you last Thursday
at 3:00pm?
Well, I'll have to call Peter.
See? It works! Specifically Peter.
Fine. What's today's prize category?
Today, it's a good one. We've asked
them to bring in their most
high-octane item.
It's exciting. You're going to judge
whose is the most high-octane
and at the end of the show, at the
end of the white-knuckle ride
of a show,
one of them will go home with
all five high-octane items.
All to play for. OK, Mark Watson.
What have you brought, and why is it
so? I thought, "What would I be most
scared of?"
I took "high-octane" to be
adrenalin-inducing, frightening,
basically. OK.
And the most frightening thing
I could think of was stealing
something
specifically from you,
Taskmaster.
So my high-octane items is a pair of
your trousers.
LAUGHTER
A couple of weeks ago, you performed
at the Comedy Garden in Bristol
and I had liaised with...
And I lost my trousers! Yes.
Nothing to do with me!
That is amazing, because the last
thing I said as I left that gig was,
"Who loses fucking trousers?"
And you've made me swear, now,
you minge!
My accomplice was Ed Gamble.
Ed Gamble, yeah.
The comedian, Ed Gamble... I thought
he got in his car very quickly,
as well!
He got in his car quick cos I was
on the phone to him, going,
"Go! Leave!"
That is an undeniably
high-octane item.
I mean, my heart's beating now
about it!
Sally, what is your high-octane
item?
I found a product so high-octane,
it's actually illegal in this
country.
Now we're talking!
High-octane feed for show pigs!
Yes, we have it here.
It makes the pig instantly enormous.
If you remember the pictures of...
It's like a rip-pull!
Yes. Oomph!
Do you remember the agrarian
revoluted pigs?
Those pictures from history of
the agrarian revolution pigs?
Oh, the agrarian revolutionary pigs.
We were chatting about those
the other day.
Nish? I brought a high-octane item.
It was a present that was given to
me for my 21st birthday. OK.
So we're talking ten years ago, now.
And it's a mobile phone
hands-free kit.
And what it actually really is,
it's just a massive rubber band!
So...
LAUGHTER
Now, the reason that it's
high-octane, is that after a
while...
that really cuts the blood flow
to your brain!
So it really depends on how long you
fancy carrying the conversation
on for.
And the longer the minutes go on,
the closer you are to genuine death!
I don't know about you, Alex,
but I always feel settled
when we find out who's last
in the first round.
Aisling?
I bandied about a few suggestions
with Alex
until eventually he told me what
octane meant. Dangerous.
So, gardening. A big passion of
mine(!)
Sorry, does that mean danger? I
don't think it does mean danger.
It means risky. Risky. High risk.
Adrenalin-fuelled activity.
So, gardening!
Alright. Yeah.
Oh, God!
So you can imagine the scene. You
haven't cut the grass in a while.
You can't remember where you left
A, your rake,
or B, that custard pie you made
and left out to cool.
It's a bit combined when I walk into
them. Kaboom!
We can see the rake... That's my
idea. You see?
High-octane.
Bob? It's a rocket bike that I made
for my son.
Congratulations. Thank you.
I did a radio phone-in
where I claimed that my son was
a fast runner.
And another parent from school
phoned in and said, "Not as fast as
my son!"
And he was telling the truth!
So I challenged him to speed cycling
and this is the rocket bike I made
for my son.
Whoa!
And you lit it and it did propel
your son?
Well, no, he propelled it but it
gave it that kind of vibe,
that feeling of speed.
Sort of jazz hands. Yeah.
It was a bike like that, yeah. Yeah.
OK. This is going to surprise you,
I think,
Mark I'm gonna put in last place.
Yes!
Cos he stole my fucking trousers!
I did think that could happen, yeah.
Nish can come crashing in, for
obvious reasons, into fourth.
Ooh. He's still happy. I'm still
happy.
Trouble is, part of me wants to get
smashed in the face by a custard pie
any time. You feel the same, I know.
So Aisling comes in at third.
And this is gonna surprise everyone,
but I want my high-octane...
It's just me. I want my high-octane
goods pig based!
So I'm gonna put Bob in second
with his rocket bike
and the lustrous pig meal in first!
Who would expect it?
Who would have expected it?
On we trudge. What's first?
Off we go.
Hello!
Hi, Sally! Hello, there, Andy.
Alex. ..Alex!
I don't like things with balloons.
You don't like things with balloons?
I don't really like balloons, no.
They make me nervous.
Why's that? They burst, and all
sorts. I'm not very good at blowing
them up.
But I'm going ahead. Let's see what
the task is.
"Put the biggest thing inside this
balloon."
Oh, Alex! Again? That's disgusting.
"The balloon must then be
successfully inflated..."
"..tied, and bigger than your head."
I have ten minutes. "The biggest
thing"?
This is bad news, cos for a start,
I don't know that I can manually
inflate a balloon.
I, Alex, famously in my family,
cannot blow up a balloon.
My time starts now.
So Mark, Mark and Aisling both claim
not to be able to blow up balloons.
Yes! No "claim" about it.
It's just pure fact.
What is that? Have you not got
enough muscle structure round your
lips?
I use too much of it for pouting
on selfies.
Here's Mark and Aisling, Mark being
mildly phobic of balloons.
Here we go.
Could I put a load of things in it,
like a load of biscuits?
Mm-hmm.
I don't know where you go from
there.
I'm gonna see first of all if I can
fit a cherry tomato in.
It says the balloon must be
inflated. It doesn't say I have to
do it.
That's the only way. I'll have
to get an assistant.
But what is the biggest thing that
could go in it?
Can I put a load of cherry tomatoes
in?
If you think a load of cherry
tomatoes is "a thing" then that's
OK.
Once they mush together,
they make a sauce.
So you're putting tomato sauce in
there? Actually, I'm putting in
bruschetta.
Let's just put this... For example,
this will go in here.
They're nice and round.
A breadstick.
Break that in.
What if I ask one of the people
here? Do you reckon you could do
this?
Ooh, I hate it when balloons are
blown up.
So I'd like you to blow it bigger
than my head. Use my head as a...
Oh, my God!
Now, that I reckon...
Yes. That is bigger than my head.
So that is an entry, now.
No, I won't tie it. Sorry, can you
not tie a balloon up?
Uh, well, I wouldn't have thought
so, no.
In my balloon today is a very simple
bruschetta dish.
And I think you can safely say
that is bigger than my head.
RUBBER SQUEAKS
Ooh, this is making me feel very...
Have you done it? You've done it.
There we go.
Right. Thanks, everyone. I hope
we'll work on a task together soon.
Bye, folks!
Well, who doesn't enjoy a delicious
bruschetta rammed into a balloon?
Lovely job. Then you burst it,
and it's ready to eat! Yeah!
I like to open all my lunches
with a loud exploding sound(!)
OK, Mark. What's wrong with you?
Come on, Watson.
It would take probably too long
to go into all answers. You're
a father! Yeah, I know!
Imagine how many parties I have to
go to with balloons.
I bloody hate them. Do you eat
proper grown-up food?
If somebody cuts it up for me!
Normally, the sound guy cuts it up
for me. Right.
I can tell you that Mark, despite
the fear,
he did manage to place a single
small pebble in the uninflated
balloon.
He did get it inflated. So I think
it's fine.
So the score so far is one very
small pebble,
and Aisling got nine tomatoes, two
breadsticks, and a little bit of
bread, as well.
Or... Bruschetta! Bruschetta.
A bruschetta. Excellent.
Yes. It's break time! My absolute
favourite. See you again soon.
Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Alex Horne, would you please update
me like a good little boy?
I'll do my best.
So it's balloon-filling. Not an easy
one. Not as easy as it sounds.
We're gonna see Bob and Sally, now.
Bob Mortimer's probably got a
penguin in it!
Maybe I can repair a balloon.
So I could cut the balloon. Am I
allowed to have these thoughts?
Have whatever thoughts you want,
mate!
I know you can't advise me in any
way. I appreciate that. You're not
that type of guy!
I don't think the sofa's gonna fit.
So I'm just gonna work down from the
sofa.
The pineapple's a strong contender.
The bell jar's slightly bigger than
the pineapple, is it?
I've also brought a vine, which is
quite a big concept.
That's not as stretchy as I was
hoping.
I'm a little out of practice with
this kind of thing!
This is like reverse childbirth,
getting a baby into the Femidom.
"Put the biggest thing inside it."
Could that "thing" be liquid?
There's taps here and that,
isn't there?
Plenty of taps.
Slippy hands.
WATER GLUGS
What a shame the task wasn't
"Make a good noise"!
15 seconds.
I'm not gonna do it!
Three, two, one.
I couldn't tie it.
Let's get the concept of a vine.
WHISTLE
Bigger than your head? Are you
saying that's...
Certainly bigger than my brain!
I've never seen a de-escalation
like that before!
Your initial opening was sofa.
You went sofa, bell jar, little
wooden man, bunch of grapes.
Can I say, Taskmaster, I'm a little
bit like fed up.
Because I don't believe Sally blew
her balloon up.
I did! We never have controversy
on this show! This is awesome!
What are you complaining about, Bob,
cos Sally's balloon went down.
It's just that my only problem was
tying the balloon.
I would say, Bob, that it says
"inflate"
which is from the Latin fiatare
which means to blow.
So one could say that water,
if we're being pedantic...
If we're being pedantic, you put
some grapes in it and didn't blow it
up!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I don't think, Bob, that it says
anywhere that you weren't allowed to
ask someone else to tie it up.
No, but all I'm saying is, I don't
want any credit for it,
I just wanted to say I'm fed up!
I think he's right to be fed up.
I also feel fed up.
Having said that, the two people who
can't blow or tie up balloons are
now in the lead.
OK. Yes!
Up next it's...Nish!
What about this stone? The problem
really here is the balloon.
If it was just a task of "find a big
thing", it would be so easy!
Let's try a smaller stone.
Straight in. Just a series of
stones.
I wonder if that constitutes
an object?
I'd say a pile of stones.
A pile of stones. There we go.
How many constitutes a pile of
stones, do you reckon? 100?
Let's get another stone in, then.
Come on, you stony shit!
And another stone. Now they're just
slipping down.
It's like a bag of change
from a medieval film.
Two minutes, Nish. Oh, God. OK.
Not quite.
WHISTLE
Thank you, Nish.
See you later.
I don't think it would be
uncharitable to say that Nish
has done fabulously badly.
I really felt like this was your big
chance, mate, you know?
Well, the way that these all keep
getting put together, they go,
"Here's all the people who are still
in the game,
"and now Nish!"
So, lovely. Unfortunately, we've got
to go by the literal rules of the
game,
so you can tell us who successfully
blew up the balloon and who got
the biggest thing in it.
Weirdly, the bruschetta wins it.
Thank you!
And Mark got four points for getting
a very small pebble in a balloon.
Done by somebody else! That does
mean, scoreboard-wise,
Aisling is now in the lead...
Oh, my God! ..and Nish is last.
What's next, Alex?
Well, we've got another task,
and this one's gonna have everyone
gossiping in the office about it
tomorrow! Ooh!
Hmm!
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Hi, Bob! Hello!
Right. So.
What do we have here?
"Generate a water-cooler moment
involving this water cooler."
"The most remarkable water-cooler
moment wins."
"You have one hour.
Your time starts now."
Ha, ha, ha!
So I've got to come up with
something that's gonna get people
talking.
And a water cooler moment we're
defining as something people talk
about around the water cooler.
I've never actually had
a water cooler moment.
I'm a water cooler virgin!
Good luck, Alex. Thank you, Bob.
Thank you.
We're looking for a water cooler
moment like a segment in a TV show
that's worth discussing next day,
especially in the workplace.
Thanks for defining that!
We're gonna start with Bob's water
cooler moment. Right. Here it is.
WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY
Oh, look! Somebody's left their
Royal Gala apple on the water
cooler.
So what I'll do for you is rip this
into two perfect halves
using my bare hands.
I'll just rotate it for you slowly
so you can see it's a perfectly
normal untampered-with apple.
Let's do it.
Christ, it's so hard!
It's so close!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
There you go. Love it!
I mean, Jesus Christ,
it's incredible, isn't it?
It's something I can do.
I've recently learned how to peel
a hard-boiled egg in one piece.
No! But I didn't have that skill
when we filmed this!
So you're just always evolving?
I have two skills of which I'm
proud.
You're like the world super-hero of
all time!
Absolutely incredible. I've actually
seen it before.
I've been on the TV show. Oh, you
were there, yes! Yeah.
But I was still amazed. That's the
thing I can do. That's how powerful
it is!
Bob did do that before
on Would I Lie To You
and that moment went viral.
So that was exactly an example of a
water cooler moment. It was.
There are 500,000 hits of you doing
the apple. Shit! Yep. Really?!
Yeah. Who's next?
Well, Aisling next.
OK, then. Let's do it.
Row this boat. Don't want to go
overboard.
Woo!
Wah!
Waaaaaaaah!
I meant to do that.
Water...
cooler...
moment.
That's me. That's...
Great stuff, Aisling. Thank you.
No. Thank YOU, Alex.
I forgot that happened.
You capsized on a driveway.
Yes, I did.
I mean, honestly, the literal
interpretation of the task,
I was like, "Yeah, this is OK."
But when it all went wrong for you,
THAT'S a water cooler moment!
I'm glad. Bob asked me why I was
fishing.
I was fishing for a Moment.
By the way, I can see they're
Galaxies, not actual Moments.
They were discontinued in the '90s!
They were?
I'm disappointed that happened.
Yeah. Well, I'm not.
I thought it was tremendous
and I enjoyed watching you
in a small plastic boat.
There was some accidental water
cooler shiz, I'm gonna say.
I'll... When are you gonna say it?
You've said it, haven't you?
I'll say it again.
When you're not expecting it. Shiz.
I wasn't expecting that! Yeah!
We're gonna see one more before the
break. I think you'll enjoy it,
Greg.
This is Sally Phillips' water cooler
moment.
Ooh! Ahhh!
ORGASMIC SOUNDS
Your water cooler moment was fucking
a water cooler!
Yes. I didn't have a better idea.
No, you didn't!
I kept saying, "I probably shouldn't
do this."
And then there was like a ring of
guys going, "No, you probably
should."
I bet they were! A "ring of men"
sounds... Yeah!
And then once I'd established that
as a kind of theme for the show,
but now we're into episode five,
it's almost dull that I did that.
Not for me! Not for me!
I don't think anyone finds it dull,
Sally! It was definitely unexpected.
Gosh, yeah, and quite a climax to
the whole thing.
I think we all need to calm down
a bit and take a break.
We'll see you in a few sex...
Seconds! Seconds!
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Before the break, I was having a
moment. Yes, a water cooler moment.
Bob broke an apple, Aisling cracked
a cooler and Sally popped a cherry.
Next up...
Next up, and let's not forget
there's a chance he's done exactly
the same as Sally,
it's Mark Watson.
Uh, I'll write on this. That's the
general idea.
I'm gonna call it the Watson Cooler.
I sent a Twitter message out, saying
"Can anyone come within the next
half hour and collect this."
So this gentleman called Mark, he'll
take it, and we'll have to see what
happens after that. OK.
We'll just wait for the man.
Here he comes.
Hello, mate. Thanks very much for
coming. No worries. No notice.
What I want is to create a chain of
positivity
by as many people as possible
writing nice messages
on the other side as well,
and passing it one person at a time.
Right.
As far as possible around the
country. OK!
I don't quite know how the top comes
off this. There we go.
Shame to waste all this water, but
if we do it over there, the tree
will grow more.
If you can jam that in your car
any way you can.
Good luck, Mark. I'll stay in touch.
No worries.
We'll see what happens, but at the
very least I trust him to move it on
to someone else.
At the very least, you've given
someone a water cooler.
Do you want to see how far the water
cooler went?
Yeah, yeah. Um...
We're all expecting it to be pretty
impressive.
Well, if we start on the graphic of
the globe...
..we do have to zoom in slightly
just to register it first.
It started off there
at the Taskmaster House.
It then went to this man called Mark
in south-west London.
It stayed in south-west London
and then went to south London,
then went to south-east London,
and that's where it stopped.
So it's not...
It went 33 miles in five months.
It would have been faster if it had
just rolled.
Which was my Plan B, actually.
Well, there's one person left.
It's Nish. It's last-place Kumar!
You know what they say, Gregory.
"Let's save the best till Nish!"
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK.
I must say, even in slow motion,
that's one of the shittest things
I've ever seen.
Can we actually see it in...
In real time? In real time.
Oh, no!
It doesn't get better for you, Nish.
It doesn't get better.
At the time... At the time, you were
so pleased. You were so pleased
that you did it.
Again, ambition did not quite match
result.
Yes. Well, in that, your foot went
no higher
than if you'd just walked past
the water cooler!
There's a lot to unpick. You've got
to do that with numbers.
I'm gonna do it really quickly.
There is no denying that in five
months,
moving a water cooler two miles is
rubbish, so I'm sorry, Mark. Yeah.
You must go there.
The literal interpretation means
that unfortunately, Aisling has to
come in next. Ah, balls.
I'm gonna put Bob next. Not cos it's
not brilliant,
but cos 500,000 people have
already seen him rip an apple!
So he's gonna have to bring his egg
game, next time!
And this is gonna amaze you.
I, you know, that was SO shit,
that I think people will be talking
about it.
So Kumar, through his own shitness
has come second for the first time.
Four points!
And I don't think there is any need
for me to tell you
why Sally Phillips came first!
Well, came first? Did she?
Who knows?
Sally Phillips is the winner.
Alex Horne, what is next?
Well, we've seen Mark with his
tactics of taking his time
and really throwing himself
into a task with research.
So we thought we'd make the most of
that aspect of your character
by setting you your own special
task,
which you didn't know... What?!
We set you, and only you, this task.
Oh, hi, Alex. Hello, Mark.
In the old lab.
A phone. An old phone.
"Send the Taskmaster an anonymous
cheeky text message
"every single day for the next five
months."
150. 150, yeah.
150 texts.
Does that mean nobody else was doing
it? Nope.
This task has overshadowed
five months of my life!
And his!
It's interesting, isn't it,
that Alex, when he set the task
on my behalf,
thought to give YOU a fake phone,
but thought it was OK to give you
my real number!
I'm really sorry! Every day you got
a little text.
Every single day for five months!
And I'm such a needy human being,
that literally every night,
my phone went, "Beep, beep!"
and I went, "Ooh, who's texting me?"
I didn't think... And it was Mark
coming on to me!
The most disappointing thing is
I really did put a lot of effort
into it.
But if no-one else was doing it,
presumably there's no points
available!
Look at the effort you put in here.
This is your "Cheeky Texts"
by Mark Watson.
There's one every page.
The first one's not bad.
They're cheeky, remember.
"Hey, sexy, just getting in touch.
"This is the first of 150 messages.
You're in for a treat!"
That is quite cheeky.
But look how... I'm not very far
into the book now of your 150 texts,
and yet page 12,
"I have a big dick."
That's cheeky. Very cheeky.
Is that cheeky?
I think it's the sort of edgier side
of cheeky, yeah.
There are different sorts of cheeky,
as well.
You said, "Can you lend me 50 quid?"
I thought cheeky might just mean
impertinent.
Are you going to give him a point?
You asked him to do 150. He did 148.
Oh. Then I can give him no points.
Oh, no! What a shame(!)
What a terrible waste of time.
That is awful!
But honestly, I have got five months
of irritation bubbling up here,
and the fact that I'm not gonna give
you a single point for that.
So you can kiss my arse all over.
I'm devastated that it was just me
and I'm absolutely shattered to get
no points out of something
which genuinely, if I look back on
this calendar year,
is one of the major things
I've done with it!
Can we have something less
irritating for me and for Mark?
OK. Here we go. This is the next
task. Let's move on.
This is like a Bergman film!
Would you like to stand in my ring?
Would you mind standing in my noose?
Not at all.
OK. That's perfect. Mm-hm.
How do you feel? Fine.
I used to tether my donkey
like this. I know.
To keep it out the kitchen!
That's nicely on, isn't it?
Thank you, Mark.
No problem. The task is in the
trolley.
"Make the tallest tower of cans
on this table.
"Highest tower wins."
"Also, whilst building your tower,
"you must shake Alex's hand..."
"..and say you're from a different
country..." "..once every ten
seconds."
"Alex will blow his whistle every
ten seconds..."
"Your time ends when you fail to
shake Alex's hand..."
"..and say you're from a different
country before Alex blows his
whistle."
I'm gonna blow the whistle,
so before it blows again,
you've got to come and shake
my hand.
"Your time starts when Alex blows
his whistle."
Wait... Whoa! Stop!
That's fallen over. Oh, yeah.
Whilst building a stack of cans,
they had to shake my hand and say
they were from a different country
every ten seconds. They couldn't
just say that, they had to say
the name of a country each time.
Do you want to start with Aisling?
Oh, God, yes.
Ready? Yes. Every ten seconds
I'm gonna blow it. OK. Good luck.
WHISTLE
WHISTLE
What? No!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
No-o-o-o!
No!
No!
How was I supposed to know!
I got the... We kept going
for so long!
I know, I know, I know.
I've come fucking last!
All those tins of beans!
"Hello, I'm from Portugal.
"Hello, I'm from Guadalajara.
Hello, I'm from the Ukraine."
It wasn't till we watched it back
that we realised you missed
the very first one.
How many countries did I say?
I was so proud of myself! 61.
61 countries!
Yeah. You got it up to ten high
at one point.
Yeah. I thought you'd done very
well. But we looked at the footage
and you didn't... Soone,
one can is what you scored.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
That's good. One's better than
getting no points at all, isn't it?
Unlucky, Aisling.
You know, good try.
Here's Bob's go. OK.
Was there anything on there that
said I had to keep this?
All the information's on the task,
Bob.
Seemingly not.
WHISTLE
Just do that a bit sexy for you.
Hello, Alex, I'm from Canada.
WHISTLE
Hello, Alex, I'm from Greenland.
Hello.
WHISTLE
Hello, Alex, I'm from Russia. Ooh,
that was close, Bob. That was close.
I knew I had a bit of leeway cos it
was Russia!
WHISTLE
No, I'm alright.
I don't think you are, Bob.
There you are, then.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Yes. There they are.
Thanks, Bob. Thank you.
That was a tricky... It looks easy,
but that was a tricky task.
Yeah. I found it tricky. You found
it very tricky! I think I did!
It was tricky. You unshackled
yourself and that was fine.
It never said you can't take
the rope off. What?!!
I don't know that that helped.
Imagine reading the rules
in a very pedantic way and using it
to your own advantage(!)
You only said three countries.
We showed what you said, Canada,
Russia and Greenland.
But you got the cans six high.
Very high. I'm alright with that
for sho'.
Do you want to see Mark and Nish?
Ah, Losers' Corner!
Can I just think about this
for a second? Not really.
WHISTLE
Hi. I come from Chad.
Hi. I'm from Albania. Hello.
I'm from Botswana. ..Chile.
Democratic Republic of Congo.
Finland. OK. Couldn't think of one
beginning with E?
Slovakia. India.
I'm from Croatia.
Djibouti. ..Hungary.
I'm from Liberia.
Kenya... Georgia...
Lithuania is where I'm from.
Japan. Really? Yeah!
Piss and shit!
WHISTLE
Hello. I'm from Finland.
Oh, I'm gonna kill you!
Uruguay.
Ohh!
I'm from South Korea.
North Korea... Zimbabwe.
I'm afraid that's two whistles
in a row, mate.
Aghh! Five high.
WHISTLE
Six. That'll have to do then, yeah.
Yeah. Does it count that I also made
some subsidiary towers?
Do you want it to count?
I've made sort of a complex.
It's not very complex!
Beat that, my brother! Goodbye!
Do you feel your knowledge of
countries was let down by your
physical dexterity, Mark?
A lot of things are let down by my
physical dexterity, yeah.
I think that was the vibe with me,
as well.
Cos I actually hit on
a revolutionary system.
I did the whole alphabet but
with a different country for...
That's really clever.
You got 25 countries. Yeah.
And five cans. One less than Bob,
who said three countries!
But Mark said an impressive
92 countries. Wow!
And how many cans?
Six cans, exactly the same as Bob.
Was it, um... Was it really
92 countries? Yeah.
Half the countries of the world,
pretty much.
OK. Sally's attempt is still to
come.
Did she have it off with
a trolleyful of cans?
Find out after the break.
Hello! You join us for part four
of Taskmaster. Alex?
Greg. So our contestants are trying
to stack cans whilst naming
countries.
A quick reminder. It had to be
a different country every time
and it did have to be a country,
not just a place.
Next up, Sally Phillips, who
graduated from Oxford University
with a first class degree
in Modern Languages!
Ooh! Here is Sally's attempt.
Your time starts...
WHISTLE
Oh, you...
..buggers.
I'm from Italy.
Australia.
From Italy.
BUZZER
From Alaska
BUZZER
Nabi Dabi. Abu Dhabi? Abi Dabi.
Dubai.
Beirut.
From, er, Kuala Lumpur.
Portugal. ..Portugal.
Poland... Denmark... Georgia...
Poland... Denmark... Georgia.
Doha.
Please God let that be a country.
Um... A...
WHISTLE
That's amazing. It's a high-rise
building.
So I said all those things twice?
You did, but you were on such
a roll, we let you... Really?
Wow!
I liked that you did the accents
of the first three countries.
But the third was Italy.
You'd done Italy!
Oh, man. Well, let's talk about some
points.
Sally, you got to a total of eight
cans,
but by your first mistake, you were
two cans high, so you came second
last.
So it's one point to Aisling,
two to Sally,
three to Nish, and joint first
with five points each, Bob and Mark.
Well done. Can we have a look at the
scoreboard, Alex?
The good news is it's very close.
Obviously, Nish is last.
But above that,
above them, just two points
separating them, we can see there.
Ooh!
OK.
Can everyone please stand up?
..And then sit down again.
Because tonight, just for a change,
please don't make your way to the
stage
for the final task of this show.
Whoa, it's ghosts!
People.
Five people. What could it possibly
mean?
Alex, would you please give Nish
the task to open.
OK. For you, Nish.
Good luck.
Nice and clear, please, Nish.
Why are they all white people?
"Find the Finn.
"You may each ask one question
to one person.
"Your question must not pertain to
the nationality of the people.
"You must then write which number
you think is a Finn.
"The most accurate Finn finder
wins."
Well read. Really good reading.
Thank you. Thanks a lot.
Is this some kind of Brexit thing?
Are we now rooting out Europeans?
We're gonna go left to right, so
Aisling, you get to go first.
Who would you like to ask your
question to?
Number four, could you please repeat
to me, "Mary Had a Little Lamb."
The whole thing.
SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT: Mary had a
little lamb. No, no, no. Not that.
The whole song.
That's all I know!
NISH: Because he's from Finland!
Four is from Finland.
OK.
So that's a point for everybody.
Bob, who do you want to ask a
question to?
I'd like to ask my question of
number two, please. That's fine.
Hi, there. Have you ever seen
or eaten a wind-dried puffin?
LAUGHTER
LONDON ACCENT: No.
Sorry, I couldn't hear. No.
LOW WHISTLE
OK. Mark, your turn.
Number four, can you name
five cities in Finland?
Helsinki.
Tampere.
Hameenlinna. What was that last one?
Hamalino? Listen, will you!
Haminina.
Rovaniemi.
Jamsa. OK. I thought Jamsa was more
of a small village, but OK.
So, Nish, it's your turn.
Number three. In four words or more,
how do you feel about the nation
of Sweden?
FAINT SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT:
It's a lovely country.
Very interesting, number three.
Thank you for your time.
So, the final question to Sally.
I'm going to ask number five
could you say for me, in Finnish,
"Would you like a threesome -
you, me and a water cooler?"
Clever!
As they say in Finland,
"Let's party!"
So we haven't heard from number one,
but you need to write on your card
the numbers that you think are from
Finland.
And in a second, the Finns
will cross the "Finnish" line!
APPLAUSE
Oh, man.
OK, Sally, which numbers do you
think are Finns?
One, three and five.
One, three and five.
God, that was confident. Nish?
I've got four, five and three.
We've got two threes, two fives,
a one and a four.
Mark?
Four and five, but who knows
what the fucking truth is?
I know. Bob? One, five, three.
The same as Sally. Aisling?
I've done three, four and five.
Oh. OK. So four of you think three
of them are Finns.
One of you thinks two of them are
Finns.
That is statistics that I enjoy,
but no-one else will!
May the Finns cross
the "Finnish" line!
We do have a Swede, a German
and a Swede,
and then we have Anti and Anina.
Give them a round of applause,
please.
OK. Alex, I would love to hear the
final scores. Absolutely love to.
OK. Just to say that in that task,
Bob and Sally came joint fourth,
so get two points each.
Aisling and Nish, they were
lampimampi
which is genuinely Finnish for warm,
so they get four points each.
Mark gets five points. OK.
Which means that the final scores
look like this.
What?! Oh, my God!
That does seem fair,
at both ends of the scale!
Congratulations to Mark.
Please will you head the heck up
there
and collect your well-deserved
high-octane belongings.
What are you doing? I'm sending you
a cheeky little text!
Here's a thought. Instead of getting
a drink from your water cooler when
you go to work on Monday.
Why not kick it and then bang it?
Let's hear it one more time for
tonight's winner, Mr Mark Watson!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much for believing
in me. Good night!
Subtitles by Ericsson
Oh, my God!
No!
Yes!
Help!
Oh, yes!
Hello, I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.
Thanks for having us in your lives.
It's episode five of series five
and there are five contestants,
each waiting to battle it out
for a maximum of five points
in the five tasks we've scheduled
for tonight's competition.
Coincidence?
Yeah, it is coincidence.
Let's meet the people with a rampant
desire to take home this...
Oooh!
..overtly sensual statue trophy.
Please welcome our contestants.
They are Aisling Bea!
Bob Mortimer!
Mike Watson!
Nish Kumar!
And Sally Phillips!
And, as pathetic as he is
sycophantic,
desperate and irritating,
it's Alex Horne!
Hello.
Thank you for writing your own
introduction! Pleasure!
What else have you been up to?
I've been very busy, actually.
I've been mainly working...
I've been working on my alibi,
quite a lot.
Just, uh... I'm fairly convinced I'm
gonna be caught up in a serious
crime,
so I'm just getting my story
straight. OK.
You haven't done a crime?
Not yet. So I'm just, um...
No, I don't think I will, but if
I do get caught up in something,
I need witnesses.
Where were you last Thursday
at 3:00pm?
Well, I'll have to call Peter.
See? It works! Specifically Peter.
Fine. What's today's prize category?
Today, it's a good one. We've asked
them to bring in their most
high-octane item.
It's exciting. You're going to judge
whose is the most high-octane
and at the end of the show, at the
end of the white-knuckle ride
of a show,
one of them will go home with
all five high-octane items.
All to play for. OK, Mark Watson.
What have you brought, and why is it
so? I thought, "What would I be most
scared of?"
I took "high-octane" to be
adrenalin-inducing, frightening,
basically. OK.
And the most frightening thing
I could think of was stealing
something
specifically from you,
Taskmaster.
So my high-octane items is a pair of
your trousers.
LAUGHTER
A couple of weeks ago, you performed
at the Comedy Garden in Bristol
and I had liaised with...
And I lost my trousers! Yes.
Nothing to do with me!
That is amazing, because the last
thing I said as I left that gig was,
"Who loses fucking trousers?"
And you've made me swear, now,
you minge!
My accomplice was Ed Gamble.
Ed Gamble, yeah.
The comedian, Ed Gamble... I thought
he got in his car very quickly,
as well!
He got in his car quick cos I was
on the phone to him, going,
"Go! Leave!"
That is an undeniably
high-octane item.
I mean, my heart's beating now
about it!
Sally, what is your high-octane
item?
I found a product so high-octane,
it's actually illegal in this
country.
Now we're talking!
High-octane feed for show pigs!
Yes, we have it here.
It makes the pig instantly enormous.
If you remember the pictures of...
It's like a rip-pull!
Yes. Oomph!
Do you remember the agrarian
revoluted pigs?
Those pictures from history of
the agrarian revolution pigs?
Oh, the agrarian revolutionary pigs.
We were chatting about those
the other day.
Nish? I brought a high-octane item.
It was a present that was given to
me for my 21st birthday. OK.
So we're talking ten years ago, now.
And it's a mobile phone
hands-free kit.
And what it actually really is,
it's just a massive rubber band!
So...
LAUGHTER
Now, the reason that it's
high-octane, is that after a
while...
that really cuts the blood flow
to your brain!
So it really depends on how long you
fancy carrying the conversation
on for.
And the longer the minutes go on,
the closer you are to genuine death!
I don't know about you, Alex,
but I always feel settled
when we find out who's last
in the first round.
Aisling?
I bandied about a few suggestions
with Alex
until eventually he told me what
octane meant. Dangerous.
So, gardening. A big passion of
mine(!)
Sorry, does that mean danger? I
don't think it does mean danger.
It means risky. Risky. High risk.
Adrenalin-fuelled activity.
So, gardening!
Alright. Yeah.
Oh, God!
So you can imagine the scene. You
haven't cut the grass in a while.
You can't remember where you left
A, your rake,
or B, that custard pie you made
and left out to cool.
It's a bit combined when I walk into
them. Kaboom!
We can see the rake... That's my
idea. You see?
High-octane.
Bob? It's a rocket bike that I made
for my son.
Congratulations. Thank you.
I did a radio phone-in
where I claimed that my son was
a fast runner.
And another parent from school
phoned in and said, "Not as fast as
my son!"
And he was telling the truth!
So I challenged him to speed cycling
and this is the rocket bike I made
for my son.
Whoa!
And you lit it and it did propel
your son?
Well, no, he propelled it but it
gave it that kind of vibe,
that feeling of speed.
Sort of jazz hands. Yeah.
It was a bike like that, yeah. Yeah.
OK. This is going to surprise you,
I think,
Mark I'm gonna put in last place.
Yes!
Cos he stole my fucking trousers!
I did think that could happen, yeah.
Nish can come crashing in, for
obvious reasons, into fourth.
Ooh. He's still happy. I'm still
happy.
Trouble is, part of me wants to get
smashed in the face by a custard pie
any time. You feel the same, I know.
So Aisling comes in at third.
And this is gonna surprise everyone,
but I want my high-octane...
It's just me. I want my high-octane
goods pig based!
So I'm gonna put Bob in second
with his rocket bike
and the lustrous pig meal in first!
Who would expect it?
Who would have expected it?
On we trudge. What's first?
Off we go.
Hello!
Hi, Sally! Hello, there, Andy.
Alex. ..Alex!
I don't like things with balloons.
You don't like things with balloons?
I don't really like balloons, no.
They make me nervous.
Why's that? They burst, and all
sorts. I'm not very good at blowing
them up.
But I'm going ahead. Let's see what
the task is.
"Put the biggest thing inside this
balloon."
Oh, Alex! Again? That's disgusting.
"The balloon must then be
successfully inflated..."
"..tied, and bigger than your head."
I have ten minutes. "The biggest
thing"?
This is bad news, cos for a start,
I don't know that I can manually
inflate a balloon.
I, Alex, famously in my family,
cannot blow up a balloon.
My time starts now.
So Mark, Mark and Aisling both claim
not to be able to blow up balloons.
Yes! No "claim" about it.
It's just pure fact.
What is that? Have you not got
enough muscle structure round your
lips?
I use too much of it for pouting
on selfies.
Here's Mark and Aisling, Mark being
mildly phobic of balloons.
Here we go.
Could I put a load of things in it,
like a load of biscuits?
Mm-hmm.
I don't know where you go from
there.
I'm gonna see first of all if I can
fit a cherry tomato in.
It says the balloon must be
inflated. It doesn't say I have to
do it.
That's the only way. I'll have
to get an assistant.
But what is the biggest thing that
could go in it?
Can I put a load of cherry tomatoes
in?
If you think a load of cherry
tomatoes is "a thing" then that's
OK.
Once they mush together,
they make a sauce.
So you're putting tomato sauce in
there? Actually, I'm putting in
bruschetta.
Let's just put this... For example,
this will go in here.
They're nice and round.
A breadstick.
Break that in.
What if I ask one of the people
here? Do you reckon you could do
this?
Ooh, I hate it when balloons are
blown up.
So I'd like you to blow it bigger
than my head. Use my head as a...
Oh, my God!
Now, that I reckon...
Yes. That is bigger than my head.
So that is an entry, now.
No, I won't tie it. Sorry, can you
not tie a balloon up?
Uh, well, I wouldn't have thought
so, no.
In my balloon today is a very simple
bruschetta dish.
And I think you can safely say
that is bigger than my head.
RUBBER SQUEAKS
Ooh, this is making me feel very...
Have you done it? You've done it.
There we go.
Right. Thanks, everyone. I hope
we'll work on a task together soon.
Bye, folks!
Well, who doesn't enjoy a delicious
bruschetta rammed into a balloon?
Lovely job. Then you burst it,
and it's ready to eat! Yeah!
I like to open all my lunches
with a loud exploding sound(!)
OK, Mark. What's wrong with you?
Come on, Watson.
It would take probably too long
to go into all answers. You're
a father! Yeah, I know!
Imagine how many parties I have to
go to with balloons.
I bloody hate them. Do you eat
proper grown-up food?
If somebody cuts it up for me!
Normally, the sound guy cuts it up
for me. Right.
I can tell you that Mark, despite
the fear,
he did manage to place a single
small pebble in the uninflated
balloon.
He did get it inflated. So I think
it's fine.
So the score so far is one very
small pebble,
and Aisling got nine tomatoes, two
breadsticks, and a little bit of
bread, as well.
Or... Bruschetta! Bruschetta.
A bruschetta. Excellent.
Yes. It's break time! My absolute
favourite. See you again soon.
Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Alex Horne, would you please update
me like a good little boy?
I'll do my best.
So it's balloon-filling. Not an easy
one. Not as easy as it sounds.
We're gonna see Bob and Sally, now.
Bob Mortimer's probably got a
penguin in it!
Maybe I can repair a balloon.
So I could cut the balloon. Am I
allowed to have these thoughts?
Have whatever thoughts you want,
mate!
I know you can't advise me in any
way. I appreciate that. You're not
that type of guy!
I don't think the sofa's gonna fit.
So I'm just gonna work down from the
sofa.
The pineapple's a strong contender.
The bell jar's slightly bigger than
the pineapple, is it?
I've also brought a vine, which is
quite a big concept.
That's not as stretchy as I was
hoping.
I'm a little out of practice with
this kind of thing!
This is like reverse childbirth,
getting a baby into the Femidom.
"Put the biggest thing inside it."
Could that "thing" be liquid?
There's taps here and that,
isn't there?
Plenty of taps.
Slippy hands.
WATER GLUGS
What a shame the task wasn't
"Make a good noise"!
15 seconds.
I'm not gonna do it!
Three, two, one.
I couldn't tie it.
Let's get the concept of a vine.
WHISTLE
Bigger than your head? Are you
saying that's...
Certainly bigger than my brain!
I've never seen a de-escalation
like that before!
Your initial opening was sofa.
You went sofa, bell jar, little
wooden man, bunch of grapes.
Can I say, Taskmaster, I'm a little
bit like fed up.
Because I don't believe Sally blew
her balloon up.
I did! We never have controversy
on this show! This is awesome!
What are you complaining about, Bob,
cos Sally's balloon went down.
It's just that my only problem was
tying the balloon.
I would say, Bob, that it says
"inflate"
which is from the Latin fiatare
which means to blow.
So one could say that water,
if we're being pedantic...
If we're being pedantic, you put
some grapes in it and didn't blow it
up!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I don't think, Bob, that it says
anywhere that you weren't allowed to
ask someone else to tie it up.
No, but all I'm saying is, I don't
want any credit for it,
I just wanted to say I'm fed up!
I think he's right to be fed up.
I also feel fed up.
Having said that, the two people who
can't blow or tie up balloons are
now in the lead.
OK. Yes!
Up next it's...Nish!
What about this stone? The problem
really here is the balloon.
If it was just a task of "find a big
thing", it would be so easy!
Let's try a smaller stone.
Straight in. Just a series of
stones.
I wonder if that constitutes
an object?
I'd say a pile of stones.
A pile of stones. There we go.
How many constitutes a pile of
stones, do you reckon? 100?
Let's get another stone in, then.
Come on, you stony shit!
And another stone. Now they're just
slipping down.
It's like a bag of change
from a medieval film.
Two minutes, Nish. Oh, God. OK.
Not quite.
WHISTLE
Thank you, Nish.
See you later.
I don't think it would be
uncharitable to say that Nish
has done fabulously badly.
I really felt like this was your big
chance, mate, you know?
Well, the way that these all keep
getting put together, they go,
"Here's all the people who are still
in the game,
"and now Nish!"
So, lovely. Unfortunately, we've got
to go by the literal rules of the
game,
so you can tell us who successfully
blew up the balloon and who got
the biggest thing in it.
Weirdly, the bruschetta wins it.
Thank you!
And Mark got four points for getting
a very small pebble in a balloon.
Done by somebody else! That does
mean, scoreboard-wise,
Aisling is now in the lead...
Oh, my God! ..and Nish is last.
What's next, Alex?
Well, we've got another task,
and this one's gonna have everyone
gossiping in the office about it
tomorrow! Ooh!
Hmm!
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Hi, Bob! Hello!
Right. So.
What do we have here?
"Generate a water-cooler moment
involving this water cooler."
"The most remarkable water-cooler
moment wins."
"You have one hour.
Your time starts now."
Ha, ha, ha!
So I've got to come up with
something that's gonna get people
talking.
And a water cooler moment we're
defining as something people talk
about around the water cooler.
I've never actually had
a water cooler moment.
I'm a water cooler virgin!
Good luck, Alex. Thank you, Bob.
Thank you.
We're looking for a water cooler
moment like a segment in a TV show
that's worth discussing next day,
especially in the workplace.
Thanks for defining that!
We're gonna start with Bob's water
cooler moment. Right. Here it is.
WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY
Oh, look! Somebody's left their
Royal Gala apple on the water
cooler.
So what I'll do for you is rip this
into two perfect halves
using my bare hands.
I'll just rotate it for you slowly
so you can see it's a perfectly
normal untampered-with apple.
Let's do it.
Christ, it's so hard!
It's so close!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
There you go. Love it!
I mean, Jesus Christ,
it's incredible, isn't it?
It's something I can do.
I've recently learned how to peel
a hard-boiled egg in one piece.
No! But I didn't have that skill
when we filmed this!
So you're just always evolving?
I have two skills of which I'm
proud.
You're like the world super-hero of
all time!
Absolutely incredible. I've actually
seen it before.
I've been on the TV show. Oh, you
were there, yes! Yeah.
But I was still amazed. That's the
thing I can do. That's how powerful
it is!
Bob did do that before
on Would I Lie To You
and that moment went viral.
So that was exactly an example of a
water cooler moment. It was.
There are 500,000 hits of you doing
the apple. Shit! Yep. Really?!
Yeah. Who's next?
Well, Aisling next.
OK, then. Let's do it.
Row this boat. Don't want to go
overboard.
Woo!
Wah!
Waaaaaaaah!
I meant to do that.
Water...
cooler...
moment.
That's me. That's...
Great stuff, Aisling. Thank you.
No. Thank YOU, Alex.
I forgot that happened.
You capsized on a driveway.
Yes, I did.
I mean, honestly, the literal
interpretation of the task,
I was like, "Yeah, this is OK."
But when it all went wrong for you,
THAT'S a water cooler moment!
I'm glad. Bob asked me why I was
fishing.
I was fishing for a Moment.
By the way, I can see they're
Galaxies, not actual Moments.
They were discontinued in the '90s!
They were?
I'm disappointed that happened.
Yeah. Well, I'm not.
I thought it was tremendous
and I enjoyed watching you
in a small plastic boat.
There was some accidental water
cooler shiz, I'm gonna say.
I'll... When are you gonna say it?
You've said it, haven't you?
I'll say it again.
When you're not expecting it. Shiz.
I wasn't expecting that! Yeah!
We're gonna see one more before the
break. I think you'll enjoy it,
Greg.
This is Sally Phillips' water cooler
moment.
Ooh! Ahhh!
ORGASMIC SOUNDS
Your water cooler moment was fucking
a water cooler!
Yes. I didn't have a better idea.
No, you didn't!
I kept saying, "I probably shouldn't
do this."
And then there was like a ring of
guys going, "No, you probably
should."
I bet they were! A "ring of men"
sounds... Yeah!
And then once I'd established that
as a kind of theme for the show,
but now we're into episode five,
it's almost dull that I did that.
Not for me! Not for me!
I don't think anyone finds it dull,
Sally! It was definitely unexpected.
Gosh, yeah, and quite a climax to
the whole thing.
I think we all need to calm down
a bit and take a break.
We'll see you in a few sex...
Seconds! Seconds!
Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Before the break, I was having a
moment. Yes, a water cooler moment.
Bob broke an apple, Aisling cracked
a cooler and Sally popped a cherry.
Next up...
Next up, and let's not forget
there's a chance he's done exactly
the same as Sally,
it's Mark Watson.
Uh, I'll write on this. That's the
general idea.
I'm gonna call it the Watson Cooler.
I sent a Twitter message out, saying
"Can anyone come within the next
half hour and collect this."
So this gentleman called Mark, he'll
take it, and we'll have to see what
happens after that. OK.
We'll just wait for the man.
Here he comes.
Hello, mate. Thanks very much for
coming. No worries. No notice.
What I want is to create a chain of
positivity
by as many people as possible
writing nice messages
on the other side as well,
and passing it one person at a time.
Right.
As far as possible around the
country. OK!
I don't quite know how the top comes
off this. There we go.
Shame to waste all this water, but
if we do it over there, the tree
will grow more.
If you can jam that in your car
any way you can.
Good luck, Mark. I'll stay in touch.
No worries.
We'll see what happens, but at the
very least I trust him to move it on
to someone else.
At the very least, you've given
someone a water cooler.
Do you want to see how far the water
cooler went?
Yeah, yeah. Um...
We're all expecting it to be pretty
impressive.
Well, if we start on the graphic of
the globe...
..we do have to zoom in slightly
just to register it first.
It started off there
at the Taskmaster House.
It then went to this man called Mark
in south-west London.
It stayed in south-west London
and then went to south London,
then went to south-east London,
and that's where it stopped.
So it's not...
It went 33 miles in five months.
It would have been faster if it had
just rolled.
Which was my Plan B, actually.
Well, there's one person left.
It's Nish. It's last-place Kumar!
You know what they say, Gregory.
"Let's save the best till Nish!"
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK.
I must say, even in slow motion,
that's one of the shittest things
I've ever seen.
Can we actually see it in...
In real time? In real time.
Oh, no!
It doesn't get better for you, Nish.
It doesn't get better.
At the time... At the time, you were
so pleased. You were so pleased
that you did it.
Again, ambition did not quite match
result.
Yes. Well, in that, your foot went
no higher
than if you'd just walked past
the water cooler!
There's a lot to unpick. You've got
to do that with numbers.
I'm gonna do it really quickly.
There is no denying that in five
months,
moving a water cooler two miles is
rubbish, so I'm sorry, Mark. Yeah.
You must go there.
The literal interpretation means
that unfortunately, Aisling has to
come in next. Ah, balls.
I'm gonna put Bob next. Not cos it's
not brilliant,
but cos 500,000 people have
already seen him rip an apple!
So he's gonna have to bring his egg
game, next time!
And this is gonna amaze you.
I, you know, that was SO shit,
that I think people will be talking
about it.
So Kumar, through his own shitness
has come second for the first time.
Four points!
And I don't think there is any need
for me to tell you
why Sally Phillips came first!
Well, came first? Did she?
Who knows?
Sally Phillips is the winner.
Alex Horne, what is next?
Well, we've seen Mark with his
tactics of taking his time
and really throwing himself
into a task with research.
So we thought we'd make the most of
that aspect of your character
by setting you your own special
task,
which you didn't know... What?!
We set you, and only you, this task.
Oh, hi, Alex. Hello, Mark.
In the old lab.
A phone. An old phone.
"Send the Taskmaster an anonymous
cheeky text message
"every single day for the next five
months."
150. 150, yeah.
150 texts.
Does that mean nobody else was doing
it? Nope.
This task has overshadowed
five months of my life!
And his!
It's interesting, isn't it,
that Alex, when he set the task
on my behalf,
thought to give YOU a fake phone,
but thought it was OK to give you
my real number!
I'm really sorry! Every day you got
a little text.
Every single day for five months!
And I'm such a needy human being,
that literally every night,
my phone went, "Beep, beep!"
and I went, "Ooh, who's texting me?"
I didn't think... And it was Mark
coming on to me!
The most disappointing thing is
I really did put a lot of effort
into it.
But if no-one else was doing it,
presumably there's no points
available!
Look at the effort you put in here.
This is your "Cheeky Texts"
by Mark Watson.
There's one every page.
The first one's not bad.
They're cheeky, remember.
"Hey, sexy, just getting in touch.
"This is the first of 150 messages.
You're in for a treat!"
That is quite cheeky.
But look how... I'm not very far
into the book now of your 150 texts,
and yet page 12,
"I have a big dick."
That's cheeky. Very cheeky.
Is that cheeky?
I think it's the sort of edgier side
of cheeky, yeah.
There are different sorts of cheeky,
as well.
You said, "Can you lend me 50 quid?"
I thought cheeky might just mean
impertinent.
Are you going to give him a point?
You asked him to do 150. He did 148.
Oh. Then I can give him no points.
Oh, no! What a shame(!)
What a terrible waste of time.
That is awful!
But honestly, I have got five months
of irritation bubbling up here,
and the fact that I'm not gonna give
you a single point for that.
So you can kiss my arse all over.
I'm devastated that it was just me
and I'm absolutely shattered to get
no points out of something
which genuinely, if I look back on
this calendar year,
is one of the major things
I've done with it!
Can we have something less
irritating for me and for Mark?
OK. Here we go. This is the next
task. Let's move on.
This is like a Bergman film!
Would you like to stand in my ring?
Would you mind standing in my noose?
Not at all.
OK. That's perfect. Mm-hm.
How do you feel? Fine.
I used to tether my donkey
like this. I know.
To keep it out the kitchen!
That's nicely on, isn't it?
Thank you, Mark.
No problem. The task is in the
trolley.
"Make the tallest tower of cans
on this table.
"Highest tower wins."
"Also, whilst building your tower,
"you must shake Alex's hand..."
"..and say you're from a different
country..." "..once every ten
seconds."
"Alex will blow his whistle every
ten seconds..."
"Your time ends when you fail to
shake Alex's hand..."
"..and say you're from a different
country before Alex blows his
whistle."
I'm gonna blow the whistle,
so before it blows again,
you've got to come and shake
my hand.
"Your time starts when Alex blows
his whistle."
Wait... Whoa! Stop!
That's fallen over. Oh, yeah.
Whilst building a stack of cans,
they had to shake my hand and say
they were from a different country
every ten seconds. They couldn't
just say that, they had to say
the name of a country each time.
Do you want to start with Aisling?
Oh, God, yes.
Ready? Yes. Every ten seconds
I'm gonna blow it. OK. Good luck.
WHISTLE
WHISTLE
What? No!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
No-o-o-o!
No!
No!
How was I supposed to know!
I got the... We kept going
for so long!
I know, I know, I know.
I've come fucking last!
All those tins of beans!
"Hello, I'm from Portugal.
"Hello, I'm from Guadalajara.
Hello, I'm from the Ukraine."
It wasn't till we watched it back
that we realised you missed
the very first one.
How many countries did I say?
I was so proud of myself! 61.
61 countries!
Yeah. You got it up to ten high
at one point.
Yeah. I thought you'd done very
well. But we looked at the footage
and you didn't... Soone,
one can is what you scored.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
That's good. One's better than
getting no points at all, isn't it?
Unlucky, Aisling.
You know, good try.
Here's Bob's go. OK.
Was there anything on there that
said I had to keep this?
All the information's on the task,
Bob.
Seemingly not.
WHISTLE
Just do that a bit sexy for you.
Hello, Alex, I'm from Canada.
WHISTLE
Hello, Alex, I'm from Greenland.
Hello.
WHISTLE
Hello, Alex, I'm from Russia. Ooh,
that was close, Bob. That was close.
I knew I had a bit of leeway cos it
was Russia!
WHISTLE
No, I'm alright.
I don't think you are, Bob.
There you are, then.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Yes. There they are.
Thanks, Bob. Thank you.
That was a tricky... It looks easy,
but that was a tricky task.
Yeah. I found it tricky. You found
it very tricky! I think I did!
It was tricky. You unshackled
yourself and that was fine.
It never said you can't take
the rope off. What?!!
I don't know that that helped.
Imagine reading the rules
in a very pedantic way and using it
to your own advantage(!)
You only said three countries.
We showed what you said, Canada,
Russia and Greenland.
But you got the cans six high.
Very high. I'm alright with that
for sho'.
Do you want to see Mark and Nish?
Ah, Losers' Corner!
Can I just think about this
for a second? Not really.
WHISTLE
Hi. I come from Chad.
Hi. I'm from Albania. Hello.
I'm from Botswana. ..Chile.
Democratic Republic of Congo.
Finland. OK. Couldn't think of one
beginning with E?
Slovakia. India.
I'm from Croatia.
Djibouti. ..Hungary.
I'm from Liberia.
Kenya... Georgia...
Lithuania is where I'm from.
Japan. Really? Yeah!
Piss and shit!
WHISTLE
Hello. I'm from Finland.
Oh, I'm gonna kill you!
Uruguay.
Ohh!
I'm from South Korea.
North Korea... Zimbabwe.
I'm afraid that's two whistles
in a row, mate.
Aghh! Five high.
WHISTLE
Six. That'll have to do then, yeah.
Yeah. Does it count that I also made
some subsidiary towers?
Do you want it to count?
I've made sort of a complex.
It's not very complex!
Beat that, my brother! Goodbye!
Do you feel your knowledge of
countries was let down by your
physical dexterity, Mark?
A lot of things are let down by my
physical dexterity, yeah.
I think that was the vibe with me,
as well.
Cos I actually hit on
a revolutionary system.
I did the whole alphabet but
with a different country for...
That's really clever.
You got 25 countries. Yeah.
And five cans. One less than Bob,
who said three countries!
But Mark said an impressive
92 countries. Wow!
And how many cans?
Six cans, exactly the same as Bob.
Was it, um... Was it really
92 countries? Yeah.
Half the countries of the world,
pretty much.
OK. Sally's attempt is still to
come.
Did she have it off with
a trolleyful of cans?
Find out after the break.
Hello! You join us for part four
of Taskmaster. Alex?
Greg. So our contestants are trying
to stack cans whilst naming
countries.
A quick reminder. It had to be
a different country every time
and it did have to be a country,
not just a place.
Next up, Sally Phillips, who
graduated from Oxford University
with a first class degree
in Modern Languages!
Ooh! Here is Sally's attempt.
Your time starts...
WHISTLE
Oh, you...
..buggers.
I'm from Italy.
Australia.
From Italy.
BUZZER
From Alaska
BUZZER
Nabi Dabi. Abu Dhabi? Abi Dabi.
Dubai.
Beirut.
From, er, Kuala Lumpur.
Portugal. ..Portugal.
Poland... Denmark... Georgia...
Poland... Denmark... Georgia.
Doha.
Please God let that be a country.
Um... A...
WHISTLE
That's amazing. It's a high-rise
building.
So I said all those things twice?
You did, but you were on such
a roll, we let you... Really?
Wow!
I liked that you did the accents
of the first three countries.
But the third was Italy.
You'd done Italy!
Oh, man. Well, let's talk about some
points.
Sally, you got to a total of eight
cans,
but by your first mistake, you were
two cans high, so you came second
last.
So it's one point to Aisling,
two to Sally,
three to Nish, and joint first
with five points each, Bob and Mark.
Well done. Can we have a look at the
scoreboard, Alex?
The good news is it's very close.
Obviously, Nish is last.
But above that,
above them, just two points
separating them, we can see there.
Ooh!
OK.
Can everyone please stand up?
..And then sit down again.
Because tonight, just for a change,
please don't make your way to the
stage
for the final task of this show.
Whoa, it's ghosts!
People.
Five people. What could it possibly
mean?
Alex, would you please give Nish
the task to open.
OK. For you, Nish.
Good luck.
Nice and clear, please, Nish.
Why are they all white people?
"Find the Finn.
"You may each ask one question
to one person.
"Your question must not pertain to
the nationality of the people.
"You must then write which number
you think is a Finn.
"The most accurate Finn finder
wins."
Well read. Really good reading.
Thank you. Thanks a lot.
Is this some kind of Brexit thing?
Are we now rooting out Europeans?
We're gonna go left to right, so
Aisling, you get to go first.
Who would you like to ask your
question to?
Number four, could you please repeat
to me, "Mary Had a Little Lamb."
The whole thing.
SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT: Mary had a
little lamb. No, no, no. Not that.
The whole song.
That's all I know!
NISH: Because he's from Finland!
Four is from Finland.
OK.
So that's a point for everybody.
Bob, who do you want to ask a
question to?
I'd like to ask my question of
number two, please. That's fine.
Hi, there. Have you ever seen
or eaten a wind-dried puffin?
LAUGHTER
LONDON ACCENT: No.
Sorry, I couldn't hear. No.
LOW WHISTLE
OK. Mark, your turn.
Number four, can you name
five cities in Finland?
Helsinki.
Tampere.
Hameenlinna. What was that last one?
Hamalino? Listen, will you!
Haminina.
Rovaniemi.
Jamsa. OK. I thought Jamsa was more
of a small village, but OK.
So, Nish, it's your turn.
Number three. In four words or more,
how do you feel about the nation
of Sweden?
FAINT SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT:
It's a lovely country.
Very interesting, number three.
Thank you for your time.
So, the final question to Sally.
I'm going to ask number five
could you say for me, in Finnish,
"Would you like a threesome -
you, me and a water cooler?"
Clever!
As they say in Finland,
"Let's party!"
So we haven't heard from number one,
but you need to write on your card
the numbers that you think are from
Finland.
And in a second, the Finns
will cross the "Finnish" line!
APPLAUSE
Oh, man.
OK, Sally, which numbers do you
think are Finns?
One, three and five.
One, three and five.
God, that was confident. Nish?
I've got four, five and three.
We've got two threes, two fives,
a one and a four.
Mark?
Four and five, but who knows
what the fucking truth is?
I know. Bob? One, five, three.
The same as Sally. Aisling?
I've done three, four and five.
Oh. OK. So four of you think three
of them are Finns.
One of you thinks two of them are
Finns.
That is statistics that I enjoy,
but no-one else will!
May the Finns cross
the "Finnish" line!
We do have a Swede, a German
and a Swede,
and then we have Anti and Anina.
Give them a round of applause,
please.
OK. Alex, I would love to hear the
final scores. Absolutely love to.
OK. Just to say that in that task,
Bob and Sally came joint fourth,
so get two points each.
Aisling and Nish, they were
lampimampi
which is genuinely Finnish for warm,
so they get four points each.
Mark gets five points. OK.
Which means that the final scores
look like this.
What?! Oh, my God!
That does seem fair,
at both ends of the scale!
Congratulations to Mark.
Please will you head the heck up
there
and collect your well-deserved
high-octane belongings.
What are you doing? I'm sending you
a cheeky little text!
Here's a thought. Instead of getting
a drink from your water cooler when
you go to work on Monday.
Why not kick it and then bang it?
Let's hear it one more time for
tonight's winner, Mr Mark Watson!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much for believing
in me. Good night!
Subtitles by Ericsson