Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - Phoenix - full transcript
Who can make a coconut look most like a business and other pointless and crazy tasks face the guests this week.
Aaah!
Oh, my God!
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Hello, thank you
and welcome to Taskmaster
with me, your host and trophy model,
Greg Davies. The premise is simple.
Comedians tackle tasks, I give them
points for how well I think they did,
and we all laugh at them.
At the end of the final episode,
the person with the most points will
win this ohhhh-so-beautiful trophy.
It's OK. It's not too bad.
It's fine. Fine.
So, without further ado, let's meet
the prospective future owners.
Please welcome Aisling Bea!
Bob Mortimer!
Mark Watson!
Nish Kumar!
And Sally Phillips!
And, well I never, if it isn't
my extremely dependent adjudicator,
it's Alex Horne!
What's new with you, Alex? I've had
my elocution lessons this week.
Have you? They didn't go well.
I get on well with my teacher. I've
now got a beautiful singing voice.
Have you? And I can do any accent.
Oh, OK.
Um... With a slight... I can only do
one word in that accent. The word
egg I can do in any accent. OK.
Ready. Icelandic. Egg. No.
You've fallen at the first hurdle.
I thought it was pretty good.
Also, if you say the word "salivate"
or even think it,
it makes you salivate. Oh, yeah!
That's nice, isn't it? Salivate.
I almost drowned myself!
Shall we start with the task? God,
yeah. The prize is the thing
they're actually proudest of.
The person you think should be
proudest of their thing will get
a full five points from you.
At the end, the person with the most
points will go home proudly
with five proud items. Wonderful.
So, let's crack on. Bob?
I've brought a lung inflation
testing pipe.
Ah. I had a serious operation
and they deflated my lungs.
To get them re-inflated over six
months, you have to blow into this
thing. I think you suck, actually.
Quite an important difference.
And that was my life for six months.
You have to get it
from nought to five and then
a little smiley face appears.
The day I got the smiley face
activated was the proudest day of
my life. It's called a spirometer.
That's it. What a prize!
Thanks, Bob. I can understand
why you're proud and it's a very
heartwarming story behind it
in that you're alive. Yes.
Aisling? One of the most proud
moments of my career was when
I wrestled a professional wrestler
in Edinburgh. We can see you
punching around here.
Yeah, there's me!
So what's the prize?
The prize is my cape.
That is 12 Irish flags,
which people in Britain can use
to get EU citizenship.
When Brexit comes in. There it is.
You've sold that very well,
no doubt about it.
Sally? Well, I have changed
the world, Greg. I collaborated
with an Icelandic lawyer
and I was mentioned
in the Icelandic parliament,
the "Althing-a Icelanding-a".
Made up. 100% made up. Yeah!
And they formed a new committee
to rethink how women are treated
in pregnancy.
Wow! Based on your work?
Based on my work, yes.
That's what they can actually win.
The picture of you... Of me.
It's arguably all about the actual
prize that you've brought in.
The story behind it is worthy...
I didn't think it through.
..and fascinating.
I just thought, "What are you
most proud of?" I didn't think,
"Lie creatively."
LAUGHTER
Em...Nish?
What have you brought? The only
physical achievement I've ever had
was I won a cricket trophy when I
was 11. I used to play club cricket
and they'd give out awards - Batsman
of the Year, Bowler of the Year.
And then the award that I won,
an award called Clubman of the Year,
which I subsequently found out was
presented to the boy who'd shown
the most enthusiasm
in the face of, and I quote,
"an overwhelming lack of ability".
LAUGHTER
I'm genuinely proud of it.
I'm so physically incapable.
That will get you a point, mate.
I relate to that because...
of how I look.
I went jogging the other day
and the man in my local cafe came out
into the street, pulled me in
and said, "Me and some of the locals
have been chatting.
We don't think you should run."
Mark? It's the Mastermind trophy.
I was on Mastermind.
See it up there.
Celebrity Mastermind or real
Mastermind? Not real Mastermind.
It's really hard.
This was stuff like,
"What sort of animal does a moo?"
A cow! A cow!
I mean... Thank Christ
I wasn't up against Nish!
Right, Greg, you've got to score it.
Nish, obviously last.
Oh, come on! That's a rubbish trophy
and I can't soft soap you.
You've got to start facing up to
life. Mark, I'm going to
put you next.
Aisling, you're in third
because you were defending
your own nation. Sally,
I'll be honest. I think you've never
done human rights work, but I have to
give you the benefit of the doubt,
so I don't look bad on television.
I'll put you second.
Obviously, Bob's still alive
and we all celebrate that.
Alex, it feels like task time.
Yes. A classic game of ping pong.
I love ping pong. We do. WE love it.
Back in the lab!
Well, well, well.
What have we here?
A big old robot dick!
This looks like my kind of task.
You like drainpipes?
I love drainpipes.
Right, sorry. Pardon me.
I was overcome by the conical shape.
"Remove the table tennis ball from
the pipe. The pipe must not move."
What table tennis ball?
It's in the pipe!
"Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."
Oh, Jesus. OK.
From big old robot dicks
to the rules. OK.
The rules are quite simple.
They have to get the ball from
within the big old robot tube...
LAUGHTER
..and they were allowed
to touch...it,
but they weren't allowed to move it.
Touch, don't move. The traditional
rules of this game.
Touch, don't move. She was the last
to realise where the ball was,
so we start with Aisling.
Remember, touch, don't move.
Remember that. Touch, don't move.
OK, so these drinks
are drinkable? Yes.
Yeah.
I'm gonna pour...
Oh.
It comes out there. Right.
Is this doable? Did anyone check?
OK, we'll have that to go in there.
I'll keep using the juice.
That's not great.
OK.
Going to have to send down some...
Just thought of a better idea.
Plug it with the task.
Wait now... Am I allowed to move
the tray? As long as the pipe
doesn't move. Oh...
It looks like it's moving. No?
It's still stuck to the tray.
I know. It'll be bloody brilliant.
You're definitely not moving
the pipe? No! And then...
I think you've blocked it.
I have bloody blocked it!
Yeah! Stop the clock!
It did move a bit.
LAUGHTER
I know!
So, in summary, Aisling entered
the room, she got pissed,
she put some paper down the tube
and flagrantly ignored the rules
and turned the tube upside down.
Yes. Do I get a point? If a bird is
in a tree and the tree is chopped
down,
the woodsman has moved the bird.
You're directly quoting
from my chest tattoo.
I appreciate that.
We're done with that part,
ladies and gentlemen. We'll see you
in a few minutes for the next part.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Alex, can you please give us
a lovely, lovely little update?
OK. As some viewers might remember,
I lost your only table tennis ball
down a drainpipe on a food tray.
Typical me. Aisling has demonstrated
that the tube has holes
so water comes out.
We presumed people would notice
the holes and not just pour in, but
do you want to see Nish andMark?
I'm not sure
I like the way that was framed.
Ready? Yeah, let's see these pricks.
This is a sucking task, isn't it?
(Between you and me, how do you do
this? I want to find out.)
Watson's the brain.
Ah, that's interesting.
Holes, of course.
Could I stop these holes up?
It doesn't say I'm limited
to the liquid in here. No.
Shame about those holes.
If I can do it within the hour...
Now we're getting somewhere.
Some holes have been blocked.
..It's really coming out now!
Oh, God. It's not...
The paper was not
an ideal blocking agent.
Does anyone have any tape?
I expect so.
Ah, Christ...
Quite a lot of leakage,
but the principle works.
Is there clingfilm?
There's a kitchen. Holy shit!
Ah? Ah?
Is clingfilm waterproof?
No!
Aah!
This is my Everest.
That must be enough,
surely to Christ.
Right.
There!
Well done, Mark.
I hope nothing like that
ever happens again.
The water's staying in!
Come on, you piece of crap! Yes!
Yes!
Well, Mark... There's genuinely
not a day that goes by
that I don't think about it.
What I love about Mark's attempt,
and Mark's an educated man
who's written more than one novel,
and your instinct was not
that the holes were the problem,
but there wasn't enough liquid.
Presumably, your gameplan was
to overwhelm the holes.
My gameplan for life
is to overwhelm the holes.
We will not be overwhelmed!
How long did it take?
23 minutes and 10 seconds. Whoa!
How long did I do it for, Horney?
Well, half of the film Phone Booth.
You know the Colin Farrell film?
It's a short film. He'd got out of
the booth when you got the ball out.
So how long?
44 minutes and 22 seconds.
I mean, that is...
After half an hour, you shouted,
"God, it's like a bassoon!"
Who's next?
Next up, it's Bob Mortimer.
I need to get higher.
That's handy.
There's a lovely little old lady
out there selling stools.
Oh, it's down the bottom!
Incredibly fortunately, the little
old lady that was selling stools,
her husband sells ear protectors,
but sadly doesn't open them for you.
Know what I mean? That's
my catchphrase. Know what I mean?
Do you know what I mean? Yes.
Have you ever had a catchphrase,
Alex? No, I'm not allowed one.
Why not? The wife?
No, the Taskmaster.
I got so, so lucky.
The old guy and his wife had a son
who was collecting for daft kids,
kids that are a bit daft.
You can say that. Yeah.
Daft lads.
And he's selling this tape.
Anyone expecting a ball to appear?
Oh, fuck off!
That was a shitty moment.
Really, Geoffrey.
That could be another catchphrase.
Know what I mean?
I'm quite pleased with myself,
but few of the others will spend
as much for charity as I did.
Thank you. There's your ball.
But what was his time?
He said he left one hole open
in case it needed to breathe.
Then it took him 8 minutes
and 13 seconds. Not so bad.
Impressive.
A hell of a performance, Bob.
Thank you. Measured and I loved
the presentation of the ball.
It's important. It's part of it.
Nestled on the conical flask.
Whenever I go to the GP
about my prostate, he always says
how nicely I present my balls.
It's a she, actually,
and I do go too often,
but you can never be too careful.
Incredible, Bob.
Want to see the other grown-up?
Yeah, let's see Sally. OK.
I'm quite short, so I need to see
where it is. I can get you
something to perch on.
Thank you.
Here.
Interesting. I saw a funnel.
That doesn't fit.
Know what the definition of
stupidity is? To just keep on doing
the same thing.
Welcome to my world!
Hang on a cotton-picking minute.
This is like Kerplunk.
Like reverse Kerplunk.
Hmm. Hoover. Sorry. You want me
to get you the Hoover? Yeah!
Thank you, Sally!
And you...poured the liquid
perfectly well into the tube.
Then you went and sourced a funnel.
We've all been there.
This is one of my horror ones.
A horror one?! It took me
three quarters of an hour!
My favourite part of the whole thing
was when you made
Hoover to ball contact.
And your eyes, in an imperceptible
movement, did this.
Hell of a performance.
Was it, timing-wise?
She took the same amount of time
as a man called Megatoad ate 12 cans
of sweetcorn last year.
It was in New Zealand. It was
amazing. Just under 13 minutes.
Oh! 12 cans of sweetcorn.
The whole can. The whole can.
So Sally came second, Mark third,
Nish got two points because Aisling
was disqualified... What?!
..but Bob gets five points!
What's the scoreboard looking like,
Alex? Somebody's got a maximum
after two tasks.
That is Mr Bob Mortimer.
So the scoreboard looks like this.
It's a familiar pattern!
Next, please. This one
is like the word commerce.
It really means business.
Hi.
How's it going? Good, thanks, Nish.
Hello, Bob.
I assume I open the box?
Is this a trick with the locks?
..No.
A coconut.
The largest of all the nuts.
The task is presumably in here.
I don't know. Something's in here.
Not immediately clear how to open
this. I don't own a briefcase.
If you want to work with that,
you'd be sacked immediately.
I imagine you'd press these things
down and it slips open.
I don't know how to open it.
"Make this coconut look like..."
"Make this coconut look like
a businessman."
Hang on... No.
Does it have to be a businessMAN?
Or for once can we open up the idea
and call it a businessperson?
Interpret it however you like.
I will interpret it as sexist.
"You have 10 minutes to plan this
and then 10 minutes to make him."
"Your time starts...now."
Ah! There you go. Cool.
Right, we're in.
Now the task. Oh, it's a coconut.
Want to know how long it took
him...? That's obviously
my first question.
It took him six minutes to crack
the code. The code was 000
and it was on 000.
I accept, looking at the other
people, that it was openable.
Bob asked us to leave him alone
in his dressing room.
He was probably shy.
Go on. We left him in his room.
He asked for some pens
and some other fruit
and he asked to film it himself
on his mobile phone. To be clear,
the task is to make the coconut
look like a businessman. Right.
Let's go.
Hello. I'm Mary Downbyyourside
and I'm a lathe operator.
Hello, there.
I'm Slow Peter
and I paint prison gates.
And I'm a fucking businessman.
Did you like it?
I mean, I liked it...
Did that coconut look like...?
Show me the video again
and let me re-voice it.
Hello. I'm Barbara
and I like horses.
My name is Quentin
and I enjoy ballet.
And I'm Morgan
and I don't think women should be
allowed to breastfeed in public.
You see my point? I do see
your point. He just looks like
a coconut character.
It looks like an angry coconut.
I thought maybe if he said he was
a businessman,
you know, that would get me
over that hurdle. There you go.
Hit the pause button, grab a drink
and then fast forward the ads
and join us back here for part three.
Hello. Welcome to part three. Alex?
OK, let's do this.
Our contestants have been trying to
make coconuts look like businessmen.
Up next is Aisling Bea.Yes.
Also asked for equipment.
We can see your businessperson now.
It's interesting, Aisling.
You made a very valid point about
the sexist nature of the task. Yes.
But the first thing I noticed
was the cracking pair of boobs.
You absolute pig, Greg.
It reflects very badly on me.
Then this one is for you.
This is a coconut businesslady.
She's not afraid to have an outfit
that makes the most of her figure.
She's wearing red lipstick to draw
the male attention to fire them.
She's also got loads of coconut
water around her, which is, yes,
her own blood, as she's a coconut.
And then, at gunpoint, she's forcing
three subservient male businessmen
to drink her own blood
during a general meeting
at the office.
And that, sir,
is my businessperson.
We can zoom in slightly on her face.
Face, please, Alex.
You said she was 58 and an app
creator. An app creator, yes. 58?
She's taking her time. That's why
she's got so much hair on her face.
Well, she's a furry-faced delight.
Thank you. You used to call me that.
I did.
Until I came to despise you.
And who's next?
So, Mark,
do you want to explain what you did?
I thought I probably won't be that
good at making it physically look
like a businessman,
so instead I'd make it look
to the world like a businessman
by founding a business for it.
Over the 20 minutes, I set it up
on Twitter and Facebook
as a sort of answering service.
We can see it here. Have a look.
Here he is.
My thinking was that a lot of
business is virtual and anyone can
claim to be a businessman or woman
by having an online presence. So
I spent 20 minutes establishing as
big an online presence as I could.
I've since gone on to register
the coconut at Companies House.
Yeah. And we can see the
certificate. It has been certified.
Right.
Is the coconut talking to you?
There are people who claim
he doesn't...
I know what I hear.
Who's next? OK...
Sally Phillips, who again asked
for bits and bobs
and she made this businessman.
Whoa! That business
is doing so well!
Is that a tiny Oyster card
in his hand?
It is. He is not a very successful
businessman if he's getting
the Tube.
Sally was the only one who shaved
it. She spent over half the time
shaving it, then covered itup.
How long did you spend shaving
a coconut? 11 minutes.
11 minutes?!
It doesn't look like a businessman.
It looks like a mad owl.
I thought it was quite good.
I know you did.
He's got an identity badge
and a tie.
Is that a tiny picture of a coconut
on his identity badge?
He's an interesting businessman.
Let's see if Nish Kumar can do worse.
This is the task that Nish laughed
most at whilst doing.
Jesus! And then he came
out of the house looking like this.
APPRENTICE-LIKE THEME MUSIC
Hello!
I'm the coconut businessman.
Off to do another day
of lovely business.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Is that the face of a man
who won't come last for once?
He's a businessman from the southern
states of America, Greg!
Another day of lovely business,
wearing my tie made of
English money.
Yeah, we stapled the money to the
tie. Well, you stapled the money.
I did staple the money to the tie!
I think there was £140 on the tie.
Where do you want to start?
Right at the bottom. I very much
enjoyed the determination
in Bob's coconut's eyes, but
he did not look like a businessman.
Sally, yours was like something
from an awful nightmare.
Awful, weird, mini owl.
Aisling, I thought... No!
Come on, that was strong. No!
That was so strong.
Very strong. I don't accept your
first offer. I have to negotiate.
I'm only putting you in third place
because I don't think going into
a meeting with a gun is goodpolicy.
Oh, God. We're a very non-violent
show, but I very much enjoyed her,
apart from the threat of death.
Em, Mark, you didn't particularly
make it look like a businessman.
You gave him a bow tie
that was as big as his head,
but by creating an actual business,
he looks like a businessman.
And Nish Kumar,
just from sheer audience reaction,
I couldn't not give your tiny-headed
businessman full points.
OK, here's the next task.
Too agonising, these long walks!
Hello, Aisling.
Hi, Alex.
So three tasks...?
Nish, there are three items on that
table and three tasks. I see them.
Three tasks, three items.
You can open them in any order. OK.
You will be opening all three.
Then I won't overthink that part.
Go central.
We always go for the left.
Right to left, Arabic-style.
Hmm, intriguing.
Nish, if you don't mind me saying,
you're an absolute dreamboat.
It was a hot day to be wearing
a full suit. Tell me about it!
As you saw, there are three tasks
and three items on the table.
It's up to them how they did it.
We'll look at Bob and Aisling first.
Standing behind this rope,
throw one item into the bucket.
You may retrieve the item
if it misses, but you must be stood
behind the rope on every throw.
You may not move the rope
or the bucket. Fastest wins.
Your time started when you opened
the first task and ends when
you have completed all three tasks.
I'm going to go for the Weetabix.
I'm trying not to show
how incredibly pleased I am by that!
Eat one item. Fastest wins.
All right?
Eat one item.
Fastest time wins.
SPEAKING WITH MOUTH FULL
I really should have eaten this.
Get in!
Balance one item - aaargh! -
on top of the red pole.
The item must stay balanced
until the entire task is completed.
You may not take the pole out
of the ground. The fastest wins.
You said balance.
So there you are. Thank you, Bob.
I've stopped the clock.
LAUGHTER
Thanks, Aisling. Thank you, Alex.
That's the saddest thing I've ever
seen. A long day at the office.
I'd love to know how long ittook
between the words "eat one item"
and you getting that in your mouth.
Less than a tenth of a second.
You heard "eat" and ate!
A Weetabix. If I'd gone like this
with the paper, Id have seen
a twiglet.
No, no, no, no, no. It was awful.
Olympic eating. It was impressive.
That Weetabix throw.
You get lucky.
Was it lucky or something else?
It's not something I do, throw
Weetabix in buckets. I got lucky.
You ate the Weetabix. The world
record, you're probably wondering.
The Viking from New Zealand ate
a dry Weetabix in 2.17 seconds.
He swallowed it, then. Whole thing.
Aisling scored
four minutes and 30 seconds.
That's respectable, I think.
Bob, there is no world record
for eating twiglets quickly,
so you are the world record holder.
Thank you. But very slow
at mounting the table. Four minutes.
Two and a half to get on the table.
Brilliant throwing,
too fucked to get on a table.
But he is in the lead. He is. Those
two opened them one by one. Nish
and Mark had a different tactic.
Balance one item on top of the red
pole. Eat one item. Fastest wins.
Your time started when you opened
the first task. OK, I'll check
the other tasks first.
Standing behind this rope...
..throw one item into the bucket.
Where's the rope? Oh, yeah.
Eat one item. OK.
Balance one item on the red pole.
So eat one, throw one,
balance one on top there.
Will this balance on here?
Surely possible.
Let's try throwing the Weetabix. No.
Go with this as well. Ooh!
I'll continue throwing both.
No...
No.
Underarm. Oh!
No wind. In! That's in.
The twiglet is in.
That was a measurer.
Ah! Disintegrated!
It's all got to go in the bucket.
It's disintegrated.
Some of it's in. Percentage?
I'm going to go five.
Oh, Jesus.
I've had a bit of a fit of rage.
Weetabix is compromised.
I hate this show.
This goes here.
And that, I think, is that.
Get up.
Stop!
Finished?
It's a shame. I was going to give you
an extra bonus point for the style
of the jelly throw,
but I've taken it away
cos you pushed my table over.
The anger had got the best of me.
It was quite a hot day.
There were quite a lot of people
watching and openly laughing
and shouting,
"Look at that man. He's terrible."
It's interesting how quickly
you can remove any hint of film star
cool by getting someone
to chuck a Weetabix into a bin.
Mark opened them all at once,
planned it, still slower than Bob.
Four minutes 20. Bob in the lead,
then Mark, then Aisling.
But did you see Mark's joyful face
when he was eating that jelly?
It was... I've never seen a happier
man! Anyone who didn't eat that
was missing an absolute treat.
We're stopping now for a break.
See you soon for part four,
where we'll find out
who'll take Bob Mortimer's
breathing apparatus home.
Hello. Part four is here.
We are neck-deep in task. We are.
Neck-deep in three tasks. We've seen
everyone except Sally Phillips from
Bridget Jones The Edge Of Reason.
Here she is.
Are you going to move the table?
Yeah. Like me to help?
Let me know when it's close enough.
Weetabix.
OK, that's on.
You finished the twiglet?
Yeah. Gone.
CHEERING
Oh, my God!
That was iconic! Unbelievable.
You could feel it in the room.
"She can't throw the jelly!"
Absolutely incredible performance
from Phillips. And the time...
It looked like breakfast.
I have three children.
That's how we feed them.
She was half the time of anyone
else. Two minutes one second.
Unbelievable.
Nish failed to get any points,
then it was Aisling with two points,
Mark with three,
Bob with four,
Sally with five points!
And I should think that would be
a scoreboard update time. I'm going
to tell you the series scores.
I won't say what Aisling and Nish
have got, but they're at the back
of the race at the moment.
11 points behind the leader.
Thanks to that task,
Bob and Sally are both on 49.
Pretty close.
And those scores are quite
accurately reflected in the current
scoreboard of this one.
Aisling and Nish at the back,
Bob and Sally at the front.
They look like this.
All to play for, as they say.
OK, everybody, please vacate your
seats and make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!
Well, I mean, self-explanatory.
Who will read the task out for us?
Mark Watson. Ah, lovely.
You heron-like man.
Every day he likens me to a heron.
LAUGHTER
Play table tennis with words. When
the ball is within striking distance
you must say a word while pretending
to hit the ball with your bat.
That word must begin with the last
letter of the previous word.
AUDIENCE "Oooh!"
"Oooh!" is right. If you fail to say
a word within the time it would take
you to hit a ball, you are out.
After saying a word, you must run
to the back of the opposite queue.
Alex will serve the first word
to the youngest contestant.
Last player standing wins.
So just to run through it, we'll
have a practice go. I serve to Nish.
He'll strike it and say a word.
Definitely. So you now run behind me
to the back of that queue.
Your word must start with Y.
Er, Yosemite.
LAUGHTER
As long as Greg judges it as a
word... It's a word. ..you're fine.
So this would be... Eating.
And... Grass. You can put spin on it
and run round to the back.
Septic. Is lovely. Christian.
OK, so we see how it works.
First out gets one point,
last out gets five. OK.
Let's play. Good luck. I'm serving
a word to the youngest player, Nish.
Taskmaster.
Regret!
Table!
Elephant! Tom!
Maybe! Ecclesiastical!
Loser!
Radish!
Hat!
Ah...
Oh, and that wasn't a word.
I just wanted to make sure
that wasn't a word used in Iceland.
Sally, you receive one point.
Nish, you receive the word hat
right now.
Terrible! Egg!
Greenland! Doberman!
N-n-n-n-n-o!
On!
What?! On. On.
Nougat!
Theatre!
Theatre. Excellent!
Teriyaki!
Iceland! Daft!
Terrible! Excellent!
We've had excellent.
We have had excellent.
Are you not allowed to repeat?
If you can, it might never end,
but we didn't say it.
You didn't say it. From now on,
you're not allowed to repeat words.
You two stand there.
We're going to kick off again.
I'll serve a word to Bob
of my choice. Phoenix.
Uh.
That is very mean.
I'm serving to Aisling.
There's only two at this end.
Speedboat. Tank!
Kiss!
Septic! Er...
Er...
We've had septic. Can't have it.
The losers. Well, well, well.
Nish Kumar, as I live and breathe.
I always knew it would end this way.
Kumar. Rrrrr...obot!
Oh, shit! Torture!
Eccles...iastical.
I've said it already!
Aaaargh!
Yes! Yes!
Very powerful performance there.
We have a winner. Let's see how
that affects the overall score.
Nail-biting athleticism
and word...smithery!
I was going to say that.
It was exciting, wasn't it? Really.
Do you use phoenix a lot?
I could imagine
you feel a little cheated.
Well, I'm so sorry, but the more
you play the game, the more
you'll be prepared for phoenix.
Aisling won the task.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Alex, tell me about the scores.
Despite that heroic performance
from Aisling and Nish,
they remain fourth and fifth.
He came second last, he couldn't
cope with phoenix, but he has won
this week's show with 17 points,
Bob Mortimer!
APPLAUSE
Well!
Which is the rightful outcome
in that, you know,
Bob needs that pipe to survive.
The others are happy.
You take your mucus home with you,
Bob. You are the winner
and proud owner of loads of stuff
you should be really proud of.
Please go and get your prizes!
Alex? Mm-hm?
Salivate.
GROANS
Incredible. So what have we learnt?
If you want to see a man running
quickly, take a look at Usain Bolt.
If you want to witness a tennis pro,
look at Serena Williams.
But if you want to see someone
chuck a jelly into a bucket,
call Sally Phillips!
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's
winner is Mr Bob Mortimer!
CHEERING
We'll see you next time! Good night!
Subtitles by Ericsson
Oh, my God!
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Hello, thank you
and welcome to Taskmaster
with me, your host and trophy model,
Greg Davies. The premise is simple.
Comedians tackle tasks, I give them
points for how well I think they did,
and we all laugh at them.
At the end of the final episode,
the person with the most points will
win this ohhhh-so-beautiful trophy.
It's OK. It's not too bad.
It's fine. Fine.
So, without further ado, let's meet
the prospective future owners.
Please welcome Aisling Bea!
Bob Mortimer!
Mark Watson!
Nish Kumar!
And Sally Phillips!
And, well I never, if it isn't
my extremely dependent adjudicator,
it's Alex Horne!
What's new with you, Alex? I've had
my elocution lessons this week.
Have you? They didn't go well.
I get on well with my teacher. I've
now got a beautiful singing voice.
Have you? And I can do any accent.
Oh, OK.
Um... With a slight... I can only do
one word in that accent. The word
egg I can do in any accent. OK.
Ready. Icelandic. Egg. No.
You've fallen at the first hurdle.
I thought it was pretty good.
Also, if you say the word "salivate"
or even think it,
it makes you salivate. Oh, yeah!
That's nice, isn't it? Salivate.
I almost drowned myself!
Shall we start with the task? God,
yeah. The prize is the thing
they're actually proudest of.
The person you think should be
proudest of their thing will get
a full five points from you.
At the end, the person with the most
points will go home proudly
with five proud items. Wonderful.
So, let's crack on. Bob?
I've brought a lung inflation
testing pipe.
Ah. I had a serious operation
and they deflated my lungs.
To get them re-inflated over six
months, you have to blow into this
thing. I think you suck, actually.
Quite an important difference.
And that was my life for six months.
You have to get it
from nought to five and then
a little smiley face appears.
The day I got the smiley face
activated was the proudest day of
my life. It's called a spirometer.
That's it. What a prize!
Thanks, Bob. I can understand
why you're proud and it's a very
heartwarming story behind it
in that you're alive. Yes.
Aisling? One of the most proud
moments of my career was when
I wrestled a professional wrestler
in Edinburgh. We can see you
punching around here.
Yeah, there's me!
So what's the prize?
The prize is my cape.
That is 12 Irish flags,
which people in Britain can use
to get EU citizenship.
When Brexit comes in. There it is.
You've sold that very well,
no doubt about it.
Sally? Well, I have changed
the world, Greg. I collaborated
with an Icelandic lawyer
and I was mentioned
in the Icelandic parliament,
the "Althing-a Icelanding-a".
Made up. 100% made up. Yeah!
And they formed a new committee
to rethink how women are treated
in pregnancy.
Wow! Based on your work?
Based on my work, yes.
That's what they can actually win.
The picture of you... Of me.
It's arguably all about the actual
prize that you've brought in.
The story behind it is worthy...
I didn't think it through.
..and fascinating.
I just thought, "What are you
most proud of?" I didn't think,
"Lie creatively."
LAUGHTER
Em...Nish?
What have you brought? The only
physical achievement I've ever had
was I won a cricket trophy when I
was 11. I used to play club cricket
and they'd give out awards - Batsman
of the Year, Bowler of the Year.
And then the award that I won,
an award called Clubman of the Year,
which I subsequently found out was
presented to the boy who'd shown
the most enthusiasm
in the face of, and I quote,
"an overwhelming lack of ability".
LAUGHTER
I'm genuinely proud of it.
I'm so physically incapable.
That will get you a point, mate.
I relate to that because...
of how I look.
I went jogging the other day
and the man in my local cafe came out
into the street, pulled me in
and said, "Me and some of the locals
have been chatting.
We don't think you should run."
Mark? It's the Mastermind trophy.
I was on Mastermind.
See it up there.
Celebrity Mastermind or real
Mastermind? Not real Mastermind.
It's really hard.
This was stuff like,
"What sort of animal does a moo?"
A cow! A cow!
I mean... Thank Christ
I wasn't up against Nish!
Right, Greg, you've got to score it.
Nish, obviously last.
Oh, come on! That's a rubbish trophy
and I can't soft soap you.
You've got to start facing up to
life. Mark, I'm going to
put you next.
Aisling, you're in third
because you were defending
your own nation. Sally,
I'll be honest. I think you've never
done human rights work, but I have to
give you the benefit of the doubt,
so I don't look bad on television.
I'll put you second.
Obviously, Bob's still alive
and we all celebrate that.
Alex, it feels like task time.
Yes. A classic game of ping pong.
I love ping pong. We do. WE love it.
Back in the lab!
Well, well, well.
What have we here?
A big old robot dick!
This looks like my kind of task.
You like drainpipes?
I love drainpipes.
Right, sorry. Pardon me.
I was overcome by the conical shape.
"Remove the table tennis ball from
the pipe. The pipe must not move."
What table tennis ball?
It's in the pipe!
"Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."
Oh, Jesus. OK.
From big old robot dicks
to the rules. OK.
The rules are quite simple.
They have to get the ball from
within the big old robot tube...
LAUGHTER
..and they were allowed
to touch...it,
but they weren't allowed to move it.
Touch, don't move. The traditional
rules of this game.
Touch, don't move. She was the last
to realise where the ball was,
so we start with Aisling.
Remember, touch, don't move.
Remember that. Touch, don't move.
OK, so these drinks
are drinkable? Yes.
Yeah.
I'm gonna pour...
Oh.
It comes out there. Right.
Is this doable? Did anyone check?
OK, we'll have that to go in there.
I'll keep using the juice.
That's not great.
OK.
Going to have to send down some...
Just thought of a better idea.
Plug it with the task.
Wait now... Am I allowed to move
the tray? As long as the pipe
doesn't move. Oh...
It looks like it's moving. No?
It's still stuck to the tray.
I know. It'll be bloody brilliant.
You're definitely not moving
the pipe? No! And then...
I think you've blocked it.
I have bloody blocked it!
Yeah! Stop the clock!
It did move a bit.
LAUGHTER
I know!
So, in summary, Aisling entered
the room, she got pissed,
she put some paper down the tube
and flagrantly ignored the rules
and turned the tube upside down.
Yes. Do I get a point? If a bird is
in a tree and the tree is chopped
down,
the woodsman has moved the bird.
You're directly quoting
from my chest tattoo.
I appreciate that.
We're done with that part,
ladies and gentlemen. We'll see you
in a few minutes for the next part.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Alex, can you please give us
a lovely, lovely little update?
OK. As some viewers might remember,
I lost your only table tennis ball
down a drainpipe on a food tray.
Typical me. Aisling has demonstrated
that the tube has holes
so water comes out.
We presumed people would notice
the holes and not just pour in, but
do you want to see Nish andMark?
I'm not sure
I like the way that was framed.
Ready? Yeah, let's see these pricks.
This is a sucking task, isn't it?
(Between you and me, how do you do
this? I want to find out.)
Watson's the brain.
Ah, that's interesting.
Holes, of course.
Could I stop these holes up?
It doesn't say I'm limited
to the liquid in here. No.
Shame about those holes.
If I can do it within the hour...
Now we're getting somewhere.
Some holes have been blocked.
..It's really coming out now!
Oh, God. It's not...
The paper was not
an ideal blocking agent.
Does anyone have any tape?
I expect so.
Ah, Christ...
Quite a lot of leakage,
but the principle works.
Is there clingfilm?
There's a kitchen. Holy shit!
Ah? Ah?
Is clingfilm waterproof?
No!
Aah!
This is my Everest.
That must be enough,
surely to Christ.
Right.
There!
Well done, Mark.
I hope nothing like that
ever happens again.
The water's staying in!
Come on, you piece of crap! Yes!
Yes!
Well, Mark... There's genuinely
not a day that goes by
that I don't think about it.
What I love about Mark's attempt,
and Mark's an educated man
who's written more than one novel,
and your instinct was not
that the holes were the problem,
but there wasn't enough liquid.
Presumably, your gameplan was
to overwhelm the holes.
My gameplan for life
is to overwhelm the holes.
We will not be overwhelmed!
How long did it take?
23 minutes and 10 seconds. Whoa!
How long did I do it for, Horney?
Well, half of the film Phone Booth.
You know the Colin Farrell film?
It's a short film. He'd got out of
the booth when you got the ball out.
So how long?
44 minutes and 22 seconds.
I mean, that is...
After half an hour, you shouted,
"God, it's like a bassoon!"
Who's next?
Next up, it's Bob Mortimer.
I need to get higher.
That's handy.
There's a lovely little old lady
out there selling stools.
Oh, it's down the bottom!
Incredibly fortunately, the little
old lady that was selling stools,
her husband sells ear protectors,
but sadly doesn't open them for you.
Know what I mean? That's
my catchphrase. Know what I mean?
Do you know what I mean? Yes.
Have you ever had a catchphrase,
Alex? No, I'm not allowed one.
Why not? The wife?
No, the Taskmaster.
I got so, so lucky.
The old guy and his wife had a son
who was collecting for daft kids,
kids that are a bit daft.
You can say that. Yeah.
Daft lads.
And he's selling this tape.
Anyone expecting a ball to appear?
Oh, fuck off!
That was a shitty moment.
Really, Geoffrey.
That could be another catchphrase.
Know what I mean?
I'm quite pleased with myself,
but few of the others will spend
as much for charity as I did.
Thank you. There's your ball.
But what was his time?
He said he left one hole open
in case it needed to breathe.
Then it took him 8 minutes
and 13 seconds. Not so bad.
Impressive.
A hell of a performance, Bob.
Thank you. Measured and I loved
the presentation of the ball.
It's important. It's part of it.
Nestled on the conical flask.
Whenever I go to the GP
about my prostate, he always says
how nicely I present my balls.
It's a she, actually,
and I do go too often,
but you can never be too careful.
Incredible, Bob.
Want to see the other grown-up?
Yeah, let's see Sally. OK.
I'm quite short, so I need to see
where it is. I can get you
something to perch on.
Thank you.
Here.
Interesting. I saw a funnel.
That doesn't fit.
Know what the definition of
stupidity is? To just keep on doing
the same thing.
Welcome to my world!
Hang on a cotton-picking minute.
This is like Kerplunk.
Like reverse Kerplunk.
Hmm. Hoover. Sorry. You want me
to get you the Hoover? Yeah!
Thank you, Sally!
And you...poured the liquid
perfectly well into the tube.
Then you went and sourced a funnel.
We've all been there.
This is one of my horror ones.
A horror one?! It took me
three quarters of an hour!
My favourite part of the whole thing
was when you made
Hoover to ball contact.
And your eyes, in an imperceptible
movement, did this.
Hell of a performance.
Was it, timing-wise?
She took the same amount of time
as a man called Megatoad ate 12 cans
of sweetcorn last year.
It was in New Zealand. It was
amazing. Just under 13 minutes.
Oh! 12 cans of sweetcorn.
The whole can. The whole can.
So Sally came second, Mark third,
Nish got two points because Aisling
was disqualified... What?!
..but Bob gets five points!
What's the scoreboard looking like,
Alex? Somebody's got a maximum
after two tasks.
That is Mr Bob Mortimer.
So the scoreboard looks like this.
It's a familiar pattern!
Next, please. This one
is like the word commerce.
It really means business.
Hi.
How's it going? Good, thanks, Nish.
Hello, Bob.
I assume I open the box?
Is this a trick with the locks?
..No.
A coconut.
The largest of all the nuts.
The task is presumably in here.
I don't know. Something's in here.
Not immediately clear how to open
this. I don't own a briefcase.
If you want to work with that,
you'd be sacked immediately.
I imagine you'd press these things
down and it slips open.
I don't know how to open it.
"Make this coconut look like..."
"Make this coconut look like
a businessman."
Hang on... No.
Does it have to be a businessMAN?
Or for once can we open up the idea
and call it a businessperson?
Interpret it however you like.
I will interpret it as sexist.
"You have 10 minutes to plan this
and then 10 minutes to make him."
"Your time starts...now."
Ah! There you go. Cool.
Right, we're in.
Now the task. Oh, it's a coconut.
Want to know how long it took
him...? That's obviously
my first question.
It took him six minutes to crack
the code. The code was 000
and it was on 000.
I accept, looking at the other
people, that it was openable.
Bob asked us to leave him alone
in his dressing room.
He was probably shy.
Go on. We left him in his room.
He asked for some pens
and some other fruit
and he asked to film it himself
on his mobile phone. To be clear,
the task is to make the coconut
look like a businessman. Right.
Let's go.
Hello. I'm Mary Downbyyourside
and I'm a lathe operator.
Hello, there.
I'm Slow Peter
and I paint prison gates.
And I'm a fucking businessman.
Did you like it?
I mean, I liked it...
Did that coconut look like...?
Show me the video again
and let me re-voice it.
Hello. I'm Barbara
and I like horses.
My name is Quentin
and I enjoy ballet.
And I'm Morgan
and I don't think women should be
allowed to breastfeed in public.
You see my point? I do see
your point. He just looks like
a coconut character.
It looks like an angry coconut.
I thought maybe if he said he was
a businessman,
you know, that would get me
over that hurdle. There you go.
Hit the pause button, grab a drink
and then fast forward the ads
and join us back here for part three.
Hello. Welcome to part three. Alex?
OK, let's do this.
Our contestants have been trying to
make coconuts look like businessmen.
Up next is Aisling Bea.Yes.
Also asked for equipment.
We can see your businessperson now.
It's interesting, Aisling.
You made a very valid point about
the sexist nature of the task. Yes.
But the first thing I noticed
was the cracking pair of boobs.
You absolute pig, Greg.
It reflects very badly on me.
Then this one is for you.
This is a coconut businesslady.
She's not afraid to have an outfit
that makes the most of her figure.
She's wearing red lipstick to draw
the male attention to fire them.
She's also got loads of coconut
water around her, which is, yes,
her own blood, as she's a coconut.
And then, at gunpoint, she's forcing
three subservient male businessmen
to drink her own blood
during a general meeting
at the office.
And that, sir,
is my businessperson.
We can zoom in slightly on her face.
Face, please, Alex.
You said she was 58 and an app
creator. An app creator, yes. 58?
She's taking her time. That's why
she's got so much hair on her face.
Well, she's a furry-faced delight.
Thank you. You used to call me that.
I did.
Until I came to despise you.
And who's next?
So, Mark,
do you want to explain what you did?
I thought I probably won't be that
good at making it physically look
like a businessman,
so instead I'd make it look
to the world like a businessman
by founding a business for it.
Over the 20 minutes, I set it up
on Twitter and Facebook
as a sort of answering service.
We can see it here. Have a look.
Here he is.
My thinking was that a lot of
business is virtual and anyone can
claim to be a businessman or woman
by having an online presence. So
I spent 20 minutes establishing as
big an online presence as I could.
I've since gone on to register
the coconut at Companies House.
Yeah. And we can see the
certificate. It has been certified.
Right.
Is the coconut talking to you?
There are people who claim
he doesn't...
I know what I hear.
Who's next? OK...
Sally Phillips, who again asked
for bits and bobs
and she made this businessman.
Whoa! That business
is doing so well!
Is that a tiny Oyster card
in his hand?
It is. He is not a very successful
businessman if he's getting
the Tube.
Sally was the only one who shaved
it. She spent over half the time
shaving it, then covered itup.
How long did you spend shaving
a coconut? 11 minutes.
11 minutes?!
It doesn't look like a businessman.
It looks like a mad owl.
I thought it was quite good.
I know you did.
He's got an identity badge
and a tie.
Is that a tiny picture of a coconut
on his identity badge?
He's an interesting businessman.
Let's see if Nish Kumar can do worse.
This is the task that Nish laughed
most at whilst doing.
Jesus! And then he came
out of the house looking like this.
APPRENTICE-LIKE THEME MUSIC
Hello!
I'm the coconut businessman.
Off to do another day
of lovely business.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Is that the face of a man
who won't come last for once?
He's a businessman from the southern
states of America, Greg!
Another day of lovely business,
wearing my tie made of
English money.
Yeah, we stapled the money to the
tie. Well, you stapled the money.
I did staple the money to the tie!
I think there was £140 on the tie.
Where do you want to start?
Right at the bottom. I very much
enjoyed the determination
in Bob's coconut's eyes, but
he did not look like a businessman.
Sally, yours was like something
from an awful nightmare.
Awful, weird, mini owl.
Aisling, I thought... No!
Come on, that was strong. No!
That was so strong.
Very strong. I don't accept your
first offer. I have to negotiate.
I'm only putting you in third place
because I don't think going into
a meeting with a gun is goodpolicy.
Oh, God. We're a very non-violent
show, but I very much enjoyed her,
apart from the threat of death.
Em, Mark, you didn't particularly
make it look like a businessman.
You gave him a bow tie
that was as big as his head,
but by creating an actual business,
he looks like a businessman.
And Nish Kumar,
just from sheer audience reaction,
I couldn't not give your tiny-headed
businessman full points.
OK, here's the next task.
Too agonising, these long walks!
Hello, Aisling.
Hi, Alex.
So three tasks...?
Nish, there are three items on that
table and three tasks. I see them.
Three tasks, three items.
You can open them in any order. OK.
You will be opening all three.
Then I won't overthink that part.
Go central.
We always go for the left.
Right to left, Arabic-style.
Hmm, intriguing.
Nish, if you don't mind me saying,
you're an absolute dreamboat.
It was a hot day to be wearing
a full suit. Tell me about it!
As you saw, there are three tasks
and three items on the table.
It's up to them how they did it.
We'll look at Bob and Aisling first.
Standing behind this rope,
throw one item into the bucket.
You may retrieve the item
if it misses, but you must be stood
behind the rope on every throw.
You may not move the rope
or the bucket. Fastest wins.
Your time started when you opened
the first task and ends when
you have completed all three tasks.
I'm going to go for the Weetabix.
I'm trying not to show
how incredibly pleased I am by that!
Eat one item. Fastest wins.
All right?
Eat one item.
Fastest time wins.
SPEAKING WITH MOUTH FULL
I really should have eaten this.
Get in!
Balance one item - aaargh! -
on top of the red pole.
The item must stay balanced
until the entire task is completed.
You may not take the pole out
of the ground. The fastest wins.
You said balance.
So there you are. Thank you, Bob.
I've stopped the clock.
LAUGHTER
Thanks, Aisling. Thank you, Alex.
That's the saddest thing I've ever
seen. A long day at the office.
I'd love to know how long ittook
between the words "eat one item"
and you getting that in your mouth.
Less than a tenth of a second.
You heard "eat" and ate!
A Weetabix. If I'd gone like this
with the paper, Id have seen
a twiglet.
No, no, no, no, no. It was awful.
Olympic eating. It was impressive.
That Weetabix throw.
You get lucky.
Was it lucky or something else?
It's not something I do, throw
Weetabix in buckets. I got lucky.
You ate the Weetabix. The world
record, you're probably wondering.
The Viking from New Zealand ate
a dry Weetabix in 2.17 seconds.
He swallowed it, then. Whole thing.
Aisling scored
four minutes and 30 seconds.
That's respectable, I think.
Bob, there is no world record
for eating twiglets quickly,
so you are the world record holder.
Thank you. But very slow
at mounting the table. Four minutes.
Two and a half to get on the table.
Brilliant throwing,
too fucked to get on a table.
But he is in the lead. He is. Those
two opened them one by one. Nish
and Mark had a different tactic.
Balance one item on top of the red
pole. Eat one item. Fastest wins.
Your time started when you opened
the first task. OK, I'll check
the other tasks first.
Standing behind this rope...
..throw one item into the bucket.
Where's the rope? Oh, yeah.
Eat one item. OK.
Balance one item on the red pole.
So eat one, throw one,
balance one on top there.
Will this balance on here?
Surely possible.
Let's try throwing the Weetabix. No.
Go with this as well. Ooh!
I'll continue throwing both.
No...
No.
Underarm. Oh!
No wind. In! That's in.
The twiglet is in.
That was a measurer.
Ah! Disintegrated!
It's all got to go in the bucket.
It's disintegrated.
Some of it's in. Percentage?
I'm going to go five.
Oh, Jesus.
I've had a bit of a fit of rage.
Weetabix is compromised.
I hate this show.
This goes here.
And that, I think, is that.
Get up.
Stop!
Finished?
It's a shame. I was going to give you
an extra bonus point for the style
of the jelly throw,
but I've taken it away
cos you pushed my table over.
The anger had got the best of me.
It was quite a hot day.
There were quite a lot of people
watching and openly laughing
and shouting,
"Look at that man. He's terrible."
It's interesting how quickly
you can remove any hint of film star
cool by getting someone
to chuck a Weetabix into a bin.
Mark opened them all at once,
planned it, still slower than Bob.
Four minutes 20. Bob in the lead,
then Mark, then Aisling.
But did you see Mark's joyful face
when he was eating that jelly?
It was... I've never seen a happier
man! Anyone who didn't eat that
was missing an absolute treat.
We're stopping now for a break.
See you soon for part four,
where we'll find out
who'll take Bob Mortimer's
breathing apparatus home.
Hello. Part four is here.
We are neck-deep in task. We are.
Neck-deep in three tasks. We've seen
everyone except Sally Phillips from
Bridget Jones The Edge Of Reason.
Here she is.
Are you going to move the table?
Yeah. Like me to help?
Let me know when it's close enough.
Weetabix.
OK, that's on.
You finished the twiglet?
Yeah. Gone.
CHEERING
Oh, my God!
That was iconic! Unbelievable.
You could feel it in the room.
"She can't throw the jelly!"
Absolutely incredible performance
from Phillips. And the time...
It looked like breakfast.
I have three children.
That's how we feed them.
She was half the time of anyone
else. Two minutes one second.
Unbelievable.
Nish failed to get any points,
then it was Aisling with two points,
Mark with three,
Bob with four,
Sally with five points!
And I should think that would be
a scoreboard update time. I'm going
to tell you the series scores.
I won't say what Aisling and Nish
have got, but they're at the back
of the race at the moment.
11 points behind the leader.
Thanks to that task,
Bob and Sally are both on 49.
Pretty close.
And those scores are quite
accurately reflected in the current
scoreboard of this one.
Aisling and Nish at the back,
Bob and Sally at the front.
They look like this.
All to play for, as they say.
OK, everybody, please vacate your
seats and make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!
Well, I mean, self-explanatory.
Who will read the task out for us?
Mark Watson. Ah, lovely.
You heron-like man.
Every day he likens me to a heron.
LAUGHTER
Play table tennis with words. When
the ball is within striking distance
you must say a word while pretending
to hit the ball with your bat.
That word must begin with the last
letter of the previous word.
AUDIENCE "Oooh!"
"Oooh!" is right. If you fail to say
a word within the time it would take
you to hit a ball, you are out.
After saying a word, you must run
to the back of the opposite queue.
Alex will serve the first word
to the youngest contestant.
Last player standing wins.
So just to run through it, we'll
have a practice go. I serve to Nish.
He'll strike it and say a word.
Definitely. So you now run behind me
to the back of that queue.
Your word must start with Y.
Er, Yosemite.
LAUGHTER
As long as Greg judges it as a
word... It's a word. ..you're fine.
So this would be... Eating.
And... Grass. You can put spin on it
and run round to the back.
Septic. Is lovely. Christian.
OK, so we see how it works.
First out gets one point,
last out gets five. OK.
Let's play. Good luck. I'm serving
a word to the youngest player, Nish.
Taskmaster.
Regret!
Table!
Elephant! Tom!
Maybe! Ecclesiastical!
Loser!
Radish!
Hat!
Ah...
Oh, and that wasn't a word.
I just wanted to make sure
that wasn't a word used in Iceland.
Sally, you receive one point.
Nish, you receive the word hat
right now.
Terrible! Egg!
Greenland! Doberman!
N-n-n-n-n-o!
On!
What?! On. On.
Nougat!
Theatre!
Theatre. Excellent!
Teriyaki!
Iceland! Daft!
Terrible! Excellent!
We've had excellent.
We have had excellent.
Are you not allowed to repeat?
If you can, it might never end,
but we didn't say it.
You didn't say it. From now on,
you're not allowed to repeat words.
You two stand there.
We're going to kick off again.
I'll serve a word to Bob
of my choice. Phoenix.
Uh.
That is very mean.
I'm serving to Aisling.
There's only two at this end.
Speedboat. Tank!
Kiss!
Septic! Er...
Er...
We've had septic. Can't have it.
The losers. Well, well, well.
Nish Kumar, as I live and breathe.
I always knew it would end this way.
Kumar. Rrrrr...obot!
Oh, shit! Torture!
Eccles...iastical.
I've said it already!
Aaaargh!
Yes! Yes!
Very powerful performance there.
We have a winner. Let's see how
that affects the overall score.
Nail-biting athleticism
and word...smithery!
I was going to say that.
It was exciting, wasn't it? Really.
Do you use phoenix a lot?
I could imagine
you feel a little cheated.
Well, I'm so sorry, but the more
you play the game, the more
you'll be prepared for phoenix.
Aisling won the task.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Alex, tell me about the scores.
Despite that heroic performance
from Aisling and Nish,
they remain fourth and fifth.
He came second last, he couldn't
cope with phoenix, but he has won
this week's show with 17 points,
Bob Mortimer!
APPLAUSE
Well!
Which is the rightful outcome
in that, you know,
Bob needs that pipe to survive.
The others are happy.
You take your mucus home with you,
Bob. You are the winner
and proud owner of loads of stuff
you should be really proud of.
Please go and get your prizes!
Alex? Mm-hm?
Salivate.
GROANS
Incredible. So what have we learnt?
If you want to see a man running
quickly, take a look at Usain Bolt.
If you want to witness a tennis pro,
look at Serena Williams.
But if you want to see someone
chuck a jelly into a bucket,
call Sally Phillips!
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's
winner is Mr Bob Mortimer!
CHEERING
We'll see you next time! Good night!
Subtitles by Ericsson