Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Welcome to Rico Face - full transcript

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Greg Davies and this is
Taskmaster. So far this series,

Katherine is in the lead, but both
Richard and Jon aren't far behind.

Tonight, it's the penultimate
episode and,

because I'm in charge of the
scoring,

this golden trophy
is everyone's to play for.

Everyone's...

except Joe's.

Let's get cracking and meet
our mighty competitors.

They are Doc Brown,
Joe Wilkinson, Jon Richardson,

Katherine Ryan and Richard Osman.



CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on my left-hand side is
my right-hand man, Alex Horne.

How do you do, Alex?

If you mean WHAT do I do,
I do general admin.

How do I do it? Efficiently
and with a great sense of humour.

So, it's a nice role.

It's a nice role for me.
Aw, Nice Tinder entry.

OK, prize time.

What today's prize category?
Well, it's a good one. As always,

they have to bring in something
that one of them might win.

Today, we asked them to bring in
their coolest blue thing.

So, whoever brings in the coolest
blue thing,

will win the first point
to the show.

Whoever wins the episode will go
home with all the cool blue things.



Katherine, let's start with you,
please.

What's your cool thing and why
should you get the points?

It's so cool.

Hmm, there we go.
I'm convinced already(!)

I have a dog whose job it is to bark
when she hears a potential threat.

It's very annoying
in the modern world,

so I've got this blue collar that
emits a tiny "pss-pss" to stop her

barking when she barks.
Isn't that cool? Is it cool?

LAUGHTER

Doc, what cool, blue thing
did you bring in?

It's the album Feel No Fret
by the Average White Band.

I'm going to tell you now, it's a
cool album, let alone being blue.

It's cool all the way through. I've
heard of the Average White band.

I don't know any of their songs.
The funkiest Scottish men on Earth.

I can show you a picture
of what they look like.

Yeah. We'll judge how cool they are
based on that, yeah? There we go.

LAUGHTER

That's now. That's not fair.
That's now. That's now.

I'm talking about the '70s.
Sorry, mate,

this isn't a time-travelling show.

There are way more fleeces
than I thought there would be.

I put my hand up. And they're not
full fleeces. They're gilets, mate.

I'm going to give these guys a go.

LAUGHTER

Joe. When you said blue, I thought
you meant, like, filth.

LAUGHTER

Maybe I did.

So, I bought my best,
coolest filthy blue book.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't need to ask whether that's
genuinely in your collection.

It's semi-autobiographical.

I see there it's the sexy tale of
a love slave in a floating brothel.

Yeah. I'll be honest with you,
it is a page-turner.

Do you know anything about...
I can read you an excerpt.

"With the rumble of the diesels..."
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Hold on.

"..and the slosh of water
in the bilges as accompaniment,

"she welcomed him with the savagery
and wantonness alien to her

"usually hesitant nature." That's
her. Quite nice, isn't it? Page 17.

Page 17.

Er, Richard, what did you bring?

Well, I brought this.
It's a genuine riot helmet.

It belongs to my son and so I
thought maybe I should put that up

for grabs, because then at least he
should know a little bit about

what we've been through.
And how old's your son?

He is two.

LAUGHTER

No, he's 15.

Is it cool for a 15-year-old
to want to crush civil liberties?

I think he wants to use it
to protect civil liberties.

I think it's quite the opposite.
Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what's your son's name?
Er, Sonny. Yeah, I know, right.

Hi, Sonny. And my daughter,
Daughtery,

they're both here this evening.

Jon. Er, for the first time
in the series, Joe and I

are on the same page.

That's nice. 17?

LAUGHTER

I have also, since growing up
in the North,

only understood the word "blue"
to mean "filthy",

so this is a fridge magnet which I
purchased on holiday in Lanzarote.

Not especially blue, Jon.

You can open the book and see what
he's been up to on his holidays.

Can we open the books?
Yeah, we can open the book.

LAUGHTER

It's blue now.

Yeah. If I don't win,
can I borrow that?

LAUGHTER

Er, right, we'd better crack on,
I think.

Yeah. I'm going to make some snap
decisions here.

I'm going to put Richard in fifth
place, Katherine's in fourth place,

Doc's in third, Joe's in second.

And how could I not put the pigs
in first? Not cool.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's Big Task time. Is it a good
one, Alex? It is, and here it is,

in fact. Have a look at this.

"Rescue the cat."

"Best rescue wins.

"Time starts now."

"Answers to the name Patatas."

Patatas? Patatas. Is it in the tree?

You're not going to leave it where
there's a health and safety issue,
right? Well, we might do, actually.

You've left it somewhere where
there's a health and safety issue?
It's a cat, Richard.

Where's the cat?

The cat's somewhere, is it?

I've no idea.

Couldn't find it.
Oh, I see.

Before I ask you, you know, whether
you were daunted by the task at all,

I'm going to make something very
clear to you. My main concern,

when we set this challenge,
was the welfare of Patatas.

I am very fond of Patatas

and we consciously
used the word "rescue".

Mm.

LAUGHTER

Any thoughts? Well, I have to also
say, legally, it's not a real cat,

just so you know. It's a dead cat,
but it's not a real dead cat.

It's a toy dead cat.
Shall we see some stuff? Yeah.

I thought we'd start with the lovely
young men - Doc, Joe, and Jon.

Rescuing Patatas.

So, this cat's not going to respond
to its name.

My cats don't respond
to their names. Patatas.

Is it in a tree?
Probably. Bloody cats.

Ah, there he is.

There it is.

Erm, you haven't got
a tennis ball, have you?

There's stuff in the shed.

Oh!

Great.

Get down, Patatas.

Ah.

Yes! Right in the face.

Come on, you little shit.

Oh, God.

I need more weight.

Yes!

There you go.

Come on, you ginger bastard.
I got you!

APPLAUSE

Oh, God. I'm not enjoying this.

Oh, you are a little bastard!

Ah! Good job I caught him.
He'd have been really hurt.

Right, anything to say
for yourselves?

About your rescue technique?

I think you'll find I caught the
cat, cushioned the fall.

She had no impact.

Prior to the catch, what had you
thrown at the cat?

Er, a football.

Yep. Some tennis balls.
Yeah. A tennis racquet.

Yep. A lacrosse stick.
A lacrosse stick?

A croquet mallet, a crutch
and a space-hopper. Thank you.

My sort of plan was,
if I don't rescue the cat,

at least I can give it some things
to play with.

Jon also called the cat a dick
and then he called me a dick.

Just so you know.

Why did he call you a dick?
He was so cross and then...

He was lacrosse!

CHEERING

Better. Doc, you want to talk about
your technique?

Kind of similar to Jon, really. As
soon as I realised it was a toy cat,

there was a lot less care taken.
Save the cat, I'm like, "Oh, wow!"

And it's some ginger piece of shit
in a tree. Who cares?

It's a toy. You are calling the cat
a ginger piece of shit?

Cos this is...

LAUGHTER

This is auburn, mate. This is auburn
beard. I would never go there.

That's good. Joe, what have you got
to say for yourself? Happy.

Wouldn't change a thing about it.

LAUGHTER

I would say Joe was very,
very quick.

Joe got the cat down
in 3.55. Wow!

Joe took 3.55.
Doc, 7 minutes.

Jon took 20 minutes and 55 seconds.

20 minutes?
That's a third of an hour.

What on earth were you doing?
I threw a lot up in that tree.

OK, Katherine and Richard's cat
rescue attempts still to come

after the break.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where four comedians and frequent
guest presenter Richard Osman

are all going head-to-head,

keen to win Joe Wilkinson's well
thumbed copy of Seagoing Sexpot.

Right, back to the task at hand,
Alex.

Well, we've seen three pet rescue
attempts so far.

Joe, er, whacked it out with a
football in under four minutes.

we're going to see Katherine
and Richard together now.

Where's the cat? Can't find it.

Where's this fucking cat?

That's the cat. Oh!

SHE GRUNTS

Son of a bitch!

So, if I gaffer some of this
stuff together, right?

I'm just going to make something
high and smack it out.

This is no fair with Richard Osman.

Just reach up.

Ooh! Not easy, this one.

Yeah.

How long do I have to keep doing
this before I can give up?

If you could catch Patatas
in this net, that'd be great.

All right, here we go. Whoa.

Cat's coming down today.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Ah, there you go.

Come on. Come on.

Uncle Alex is going to catch you.

There you go.

Yeah, yeah! Well done, Alex.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There's no way this is working.

That's the spirit.

I kind of want the clock to run out,
if I'm honest.

I'm not enjoying this at all,
just so you know.

You're not enjoying it? I'm not.

Does that come across?

OK, that's good.

Are you going to chuck anything else
into the tree? Oh...

I might not. That was awful.

Still, sorry, Patatas.

Bye-bye, Rich.
Bye, Alex. Bye-bye.

LAUGHTER

Why did you decide to give up on,
erm, Patatas?

Because I think I'd been going
for about 45 minutes.

I'd literally lost the will to live,
and I thought, "Do you know what?

"It's not a real cat."
I really tried my best.

I guarantee you that.
I tried so hard.

In Richard's defence, he didn't hit
it with any balls and at the tip

of his badly-constructed pole,
there was a brush,

so he was mainly combing.

The cat was the least harmed
of all the cats

in any of the rescue attempts.

Let's talk about Katherine's
rescue attempt.

Pleased with it? I'm very pleased.

First, I disturbed the branches
with my balls.

I should have disturbed the branches
with my balls.

That's what I should have done.
Oh, that's where I went wrong.

My expletive was based on my
athletic abilities, not on the cat.

What did you say? "Son of a bitch!"

Like that. Not as bad
as calling you a dick, is it?

No, I've not recovered.
It wasn't directed at anyone.

Good. And then I really have to
give a lot of praise to Alex,

because he was able to catch
Patatas in a soft bag.

But, the point is, it was your idea
to catch poor Patatas

in the soft bag -
and that's where you score big.

OK, what does that mean?
Here comes my judgments. OK.

No points to Richard, because
he didn't rescue Patatas.

Fourth place, slow and brutal...

Jon Richardson.

Third place, very quick, Joe.

Third? What the fu...?

LAUGHTER

Second place, Doc. He used string,
cats like string.

True. First place, Katherine.

Woohoo! She caught the cat. Done.

What are the scores so far now,
Alex?

It's genuinely the most exciting
scoreboard so far.

There are four people tied in
first place. Whoa! Get out! Wow!

OK. I want another task.

You can have another task.
Here is another task.

Pineapple.

"Conceal this pineapple
on your person."

"No part of the pineapple
may be thrown away."

"You have 20 minutes, after which
Alex will inspect you."

"Most incorrect guesses wins."

And I'm the only girl.

"Your time starts now."

Right, then. I guess I should
eat some.

I could do a courgette.
I could do oranges, an apple.

This is...

LAUGHTER

It's incredible that that's the
conclusion that you would come to.

"This is clearly what they want me
to do with this."

I don't even think I could do a
courgette. I want to clear that up.

I'll be honest with you, there is
a page on that in my book.

We're going to see them preparing
for the Christmas game that we play

every year, Conceal The Pineapple.
Yeah.

So, we're going to see them tackling
the prep. Fun times. OK, here it is.

Ooh, this is a big pineapple.

Right. Shit.

Oh, I want to eat it so bad. You're
not allowed to eat it, are you?

"On" your person,
not "in" your person.

Looks nice, doesn't it?

If I eat some, and he says
"inside you", has he got me?

I think it might be cheating
to eat it.

In my mind, I could
eat this whole thing.

I'm two slices in
and I'm struggling!

Very gritty.

Bit of waist training.

Please don't leak.

HE BURPS
Oh, excuse me.

I should have worn bigger shoes.

Oh, ew-ew...

Surprisingly, a lot of moisture
in these bits.

You can't tell that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

This one. Bear with me, gents.
I know what I'm doing with this.

HE SHRIEKS

Aaah!

Aaah-ha-ha.

HE LAUGHS

Ah, fuck!

LAUGHTER

It definitely won't go down there.

Ah, it's leaking at the front now.

APPLAUSE

Joe, why did you use plastic bags?

Do you see yourself
as a pineapple mule?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I forgot they sort of have
little holes in them, don't they?

Are you happy with them eating it?
Happy with that? Yeah,

I was going to make a ruling on that
and I am going to allow eating it.

What? "On" your person.

Yeah, but we sort of talked about,
you know, the time that Alex and I

went on holiday together and we
gobbled a load of drugs in a condom,

and if we been arrested,

the drugs would have been deemed
on our person.

I left pineapple juice on the window
sill for two days,

drank it and then shat myself.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Lovely story.

It was at a cash machine.

Well, do you want to see how they
got on?

Yeah, I do. So, what happened was,
it was most incorrect guesses wins.

OK. And we're going to start with
little and large, Jon and Richard,

if that's OK.

You seem to have something
perched on your head.

I mean, I can see a lot of pineapple
in a bowl...

Have you got pineapple
in your mouth, Jon?

MUFFLED SHOUTS
No?

That worked. Is there pineapple
in your right jacket pocket?

No. Left pocket?

A fly just came out of
your right sleeve.

Is that because there's pineapple in
your right sleeve? Fucking hell.

On the right-hand side
of your left ankle?

Yes, there is pineapple.

Have you eaten some of the
pineapple, Jon?

It's looking very tight down here.

Thank you. Is that because you put
pineapple down your pants?

It's in that trouser pocket.
That's a big bit.

Is there any pineapple
in your right glove?

Yes. Is there any pineapple
in your left glove? No!

You fell for the old
two-glove trick.

Richard, is there any pineapple
in your crotch?

Yes, there is. Yes, there is.

Well done.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think there's some pineapple
below your right buttock muscle.

Below the knee.

Up the sleeve. Please can you
roll up your left trouser leg?

Is there any pineapple
in your left shoe?

No, sir. Would you mind just rolling
up that right trouser leg?

Hello.

I think that's it. Thank you, Jon.
Well done. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Essentially, you covered yourself
entirely in pineapple, right?

Yeah. Like a sort of weird, Silence
Of The Lambs-style pineapple suit.

Not the best I've ever looked
on telly, that.

You tricked me a couple of times.
You've definitely played it before.

Very clever. But, who won?
Well, it was different tactics.

Richard only hid it on four places
on his enormous body,

whereas Jon hid it in 17 different
places.

LAUGHTER

And I guessed wrong on Richard eight
times, but 20 times wrong on Jon.

What? I had 37 guesses before
I found all the pineapple.

He doesn't have 37 bits of his body!

I just thought, the more places
I've put pineapple,

the more places he'll think I've put
pineapple. And it worked.

And I've thought that
every day since.

How many times did you
guess Jon incorrectly?

20 times. But he had pineapple
everywhere.

Right pocket, no.
The little key pocket, yes.

Oh. Oh...

You're a weird man.

LAUGHTER

Right, we need to pause for a quick
break. We'll be back soon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, hello. I hope you had
a really good break.

Our five rivals have been busy
shoving pineapple

about their person,

all in pursuit of Jon Richardson's
filthy pig painted fridge magnet.

Let's see if Joe, Katherine and Doc
fared as well.

OK, here we go.

I'm going to start pedalling
in three, two, one...now.

Ooh, there's a bulge in the crotch.

But is there always a bulge
in the crotch?

Always.

Aargh! Ah-ha-ha!

Is there some pineapple hidden in
your arse?

Yes.

There is pineapple in my arse.
Correct.

I feel like you might have consumed
some of the pineapple.

I did not.

Is there some pineapple inside Doc?
Yes. Are you happy?

There's a lot dribbling out, there.
Joe, is there pineapple in your hat?

No.

Well done.

Is the pineapple concealed in
clingfilm around your torso?

Yes.
Oh, I see.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is there some pineapple on your,
sort of, behind?

No. Doc, is there any pineapple
in your shoes?

Yes. I, essentially, created two
insteps out of pineapple leaves.

Is there any pineapple in your
crotch? Yes.

Have I found all the pineapple?
You have.

Plastic bag. I think I saw
quite a lot of pubic hair.

Would I...? Did you?
Would I have? No, I'm clean-shaven.

Have you got some in your bra?
No. In the front area?

What do you mean "the front area"?

Sort of, in your pants?

Wow.

That bit.

There it is.

Thanks, Katherine.
Thank you.

LAUGHTER

Would it be possible for everyone
not to look at my arse as I leave?

Could everyone not look at Joe's
arse as he leaves, please?

LAUGHTER

I'm 40 years old, you know?

Happy birthday.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So that was the strategy, yeah?

Arse, crotch, bish, bash, bosh -
done.

I had, you know, had it attached
to my belt

so I thought absolutely
nothing could go wrong.

Yeah. Then I moved.

LAUGHTER

Do you have difficulties with
the anatomy of a woman?

It's behind and front...

area. How did they do?

Well, they did all right. No-one,
so far, has done as well as Jon,

cos Doc just hid it in four places
and I guessed wrong five times.

And I ate a shit load. Oh, yeah,
and he ate a shit load.

LAUGHTER

Katherine also hid it in four places
but I guessed it wrong 14 times,

but partly... Cos you were avoiding
her front area. I was, yeah.

Plus I had a really cool umbrella.

I just wanted to style it out
for points.

No points.

LAUGHTER

From bottom to top - Joe, I'm
afraid, was the worst, then Doc,

then Richard, then Katherine, and
then the pineapple guy, Jon.

What's next, Alex? Well, I think
it's quite apt to do this now.

We thought we'd do a little
experiment, so have a look at this.

Hello.

"Set a fun task."

SHE GASPS

"Your task must take no more than
one minute. You have ten minutes."

"Your time starts now."

OK, and who am I setting it for?
For the others?

Set a fun task.

This is why Taskmaster
is so brilliant,

cos it's hard to set a task. I don't
even like people making me tea.

It's hard, isn't it?
Well, that's interesting.

So, you do this all the time -
well, the Taskmaster does it.

You help him out, I presume?
If I'm lucky.

Have you done how much fudge...
fudge you can eat...in a minute?

LAUGHTER

OK, I think I've got it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Alex, I'm a little bit confused.
Yeah, but, we thought...

We didn't see Jon setting a task,
there.

No, we didn't. We wanted to see what
it would be like if these guys set

a task, and we needed a guinea pig.

LAUGHTER

And, obviously, the most guinea
piggy of them all...

"Guinea piggy."

..pineapple guy. So what we're going
to do, it's a little game,

we're going to see Jon
doing four tasks.

Jon, if you can guess
who set you each task,

you'll get a point
per correct guess.

And if he doesn't guess your task
right, you'll get a point.

OK? So, you could win four points,
here.

Or I could just lose four points
and have humiliated myself.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's the other
option. Great fun.

Having a great day.
Really enjoying it.

It's a good job my kids
love this show.

I mean, I haven't got kids yet,

but they're watching this
on repeat until I get the snip.

I think that covers the autocue
"Jon reacts".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, if you can not give away
when your task appears,

and then you can guess.
Oh, this'll be great(!)

"Prove how strong you are.

"Whoever looks the strongest wins.

"You have one minute.
Your time starts now."

Pick the table up, do you think?

Ooh, it's a heavy table, isn't it,
that one?

"Enjoy this clip of the Taskmaster.

"Whoever finds it the funniest
wins."

I hope it's not The Inbetweeners -
I've never got it, to be honest.

"Your time starts now."

"Perform a recognisable rendition
of the William Tell Overture,

"using just your hands and cheeks.

"You have one minute,
and one attempt."

I'm not sure which one
the William Tell Overture is.

Oh, dear.

Oh, God!

"Present a make-up tutorial.

"Best tutorial wins.

"You have one minute. Your time
starts now."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Think I can get it over my head?

'Ladies and gentlemen,

'I want to tell you, first of all,
I'm a very tall man.'

Welcome to...

LAUGHTER

..Rico face.

Ooh, it tastes horrible.

Eyes...

I usually do this on the train.

Yeah.

This is awkward, isn't it?

This is for making your cheeks
nice and pink,

if your cheeks aren't pink enough.

HE PLAYS WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've seen it before.

And that concludes this month's
make-up tutorial -

how to degrade yourself
in just under a minute.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, when you guess, I want you to
guess the four things...

Yes. And then I'll tell you
how many you've got right.

If make-up tutorial isn't Katherine
Ryan then it's a superb bluff.

Right, William Tell, I think...

it's either Richard or Doc.

I'm too thick to know...

LAUGHTER

William Tell. Strong.

Stand up. OK.
Well, thank you, Jon.

So, I don't get any points for how
well I did any of those tasks? No.

But you got them all right,
so you get four points.

CHEERING

Well, unsurprisingly, thanks to that
performance, Jon's now in the lead.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you know what I want next?
I'd like some DIY fun.

What's next?
Oh, we've got some DIY fun.

LAUGHTER

Oh, no...

Oh, yes!

Oh...you are absolutely kidding me.

This is horrendous.

"Using only the items on the rug,

"construct the best thing
for the Taskmaster."

"You have 30 minutes.

"Your time starts..."

Let's have a look at what we've got,
before you say that word.

So, not the actual thing?

"The best thing." "The best thing
for the Taskmaster."

We could do a sculpture.
Yeah. Yeah, modern art.

Taskmaster would love that.
Modern art. Can't be wrong, can it?

But it could be a survival tent
of some sort.

If you build it... Oh, a den.
Oh, he'd like a den, I think. Yeah.

So, we could make some kind of...
Look. A fort?

I think, with 30 minutes... A fort?
I like... I really like fort.

Fort is good, yeah. I like fort.
I'm totally behind this.

APPLAUSE

So perceptive - I do like a den.
And, I guess, I do like a fort.

I like the idea of somewhere safe to
hide away. Big men do, don't they,

Richard? Oh, yeah. It's lovely,
yeah. A fort, a fort's better than a
den for us, really.

A fort would be lovely. We split
them into teams for this.

And we did the thirtysomethings
and then we did the father and son.

We had...
LAUGHTER

..Richard and Jon, Richard's son.

So...
Ah...

So, do you want to look at
the thirtysomethings first?

Yeah, I'm full of hope.

I want to see the safe place for me
to go when I'm all...

all frightened and vulnerable.

OK, here they are.

It's sort of hard to even imagine
how to begin this.

The strongest shape is a triangle.

I think we don't know anything, we
just have to start doing something.

Whatever you do on that side,
I'm going to do on this side,

how about that? Joe... I don't know
what... ..gaffer the feet...

Gaffer the feet to the rug, mate.
Do it, like, nice and clean.

Yeah, the last thing I want to do
is "F" this up.

There's a real danger we
could balls this up.

We need it high. We need it higher.

OK, so, what if we made, like, a
peaceful, sleep chamber,

on the inside... Nice. ..for the
Taskmaster, because then...

Sorry, what? A peaceful,
sleep chamber?

LAUGHTER

What about if the Taskmaster
had his own puppet theatre?

That would work. Is it a tiki bar?
And the stools for the customer

on the outside, and the Taskmaster
is the bartender inside.

What do you think? Is that a bad
idea? I think it's fucking great.

Really good.

WHISTLE

I want to drink at this bar.
All you need is a bit of focus.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's a really lovely tiki bar.

I really like it. And I really liked
Katherine taking control, sort of

sounded like a crazy toddler
on too many sweets.

We needed that. We needed that.
Do you know what?

I felt bossy on this task,
and didn't like it.

But I could feel that time
was getting away from us,

and that the boys were so logical
and frustrated that there were no

fittings - nothing fit!
Maybe Doc was logical.

I mean, I just heard you go,

"We need to make it higher" and
everyone totally ignored you.

I, I, I think we were a bit
disjointed, as a team.

We needed Katherine to tell us
what to do, basically.

But, you know what? It looked like
you could build something,

but you genuinely had to use
gaffer tape and a bossy bitch.

Yeah. Do you want to see how grumpy
Joe got?

Did Joe not enjoy the task?

We've isolated Joe. They didn't have
the right screws.

This is Joe.

This is going to be horse shit,
isn't it?

I cannot tell you how disappointed
I am with this.

This is nonsense, isn't it?
It's, it's some...

It's some metal, some plastic
and a cloth.

It could be...
This could be horse shit.

LAUGHTER

I don't know if I'm, sort of,
the only one who thinks

this isn't anything.

LAUGHTER

I think it's the core...
the core idea that worries me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We've got Katherine
fizzing with ideas...

I thought... I just assumed,
when you played that first clip,

that you cut out how genuinely
pissed off Joe was.

I got so angry!

It's the second you said
everything was horse shit.

I said that for about seven minutes.

I tell you what, though, I like
the tiki bar. Do you? Yeah.

Good. I didn't even know what
a tiki bar was before this,

but I'd like to sit in it and maybe
serve some tikis and stuff.

Time for a break, now. Come back
soon to find out how Richard and Jon

construct things under pressure.

And, after that excitement,
all five will be up on stage,

behind me, battling it out
for the final task of the show.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, hello. It's the final part
of the show.

Katherine Ryan's dog collar
is moments away from being won.

Now, what were we doing? We were
doing the flat-pack challenge.

And Doc, Katherine and Joe
reluctantly made you a tiki bar.

We're now going to see the attempt
of Richard and his son.

Who promised me a den, or a fort?

Exactly.
Oh, a fort.

Was it a question?
Roll VT.

LAUGHTER

Can we think completely outside the
box and not make a structure at all,

but think of the fact
that we've got some tools,

we've got some gaffer tape,
we've got a canvas -

why don't we kidnap
the Taskmaster's assistant?

Like, gaffer him up to a chair
that we make...

I like that. And do a ransom note?

OK. Yeah, shall we do that?

So we just tie Alex to some stools?
Yeah. So let's make a stool.

Oh, you little...bastard.

I've made a stool.

Have you done it?
Oh, that's nice, man.

Slight worries about the plan...

and whether or not it's shit.

I think we definitely have to
gaffer him to the stools.

We're agreed on that. It's the
purpose of that, that I'm still...

Oh, these go in this thing, I bet.

I think we're going to have an
actual den at the end of this.

I just don't want to be
a part of this.

Why don't you sit on the back, here?
And we'll cut another hole here.

OK. So, if you sit down there...

It's a good tickling station,
though.

I can tickle him, now, and there's
nothing he can do about it.

I am quite ticklish.
He's a little bit ticklish.

Whoa! Whoa!

It's like the world bobsleigh
championships. Greg would love this.

STRANGE VOICE: Hey, Greg -

you don't know me because I wear
my disguise but, sometimes,

I know you have an assistant.
You want to tickle him.

You tie him to a stool, you sit
behind him and you tickle him.

But people know you tickle him.

So you enter the Taskmaster Tie-up
Tickle Station.

I should wear a disguise as well,
really.

It's Richard Osman sat behind him.

From Pointless.
He let himself go.

LAUGHTER

Oh, he's going to love this.

I mean, what's not to love, right?

APPLAUSE

Well, I mean, I honestly don't know
what the fuck was going on.

I don't know what you are thinking.

I wrote down some key things
to remind myself -

my assistant was taped up and then I
think it's a Mexican accent...

You appeared, at the end, with a...

Colombian. ..Colombian accent,
with a rug on your head.

I mean, who doesn't want... There's
some sexual tension between you.

What's that got to do with it?
It's not tension. We're very happy.

You can tickle away and nobody
knows what's going on.

I don't mind if people see me
tickling Alex.

LAUGHTER

I am ticklish. Yeah. You like it.

I mean, you gaffered me
very early in the half-hour.

That was the only clear bit
of the plan we had, to be honest.

Do you want me to pass judgment
on this shit?

Everybody on Katherine Ryan's team,
because they made an actual thing -

I would have given them
five full points each,

but I'm not going to
because Joe was...

A burden.

LAUGHTER

I have been called that before.

LAUGHTER

So I'm going to say they all get
four points.

How do you feel about that? Me?
Yeah.

I think I have no emotions.

Sounds like somebody needs a tickle.

LAUGHTER

Everybody from the...

insane Mexican kidnap
gets one point each.

OK. Done. It's done. OK, fine.

Hey, Alex, what are the scores
like now?

Well, it has tightened it up,
at the top.

Three people could still win it
and they are Jon, in the lead,

then Katherine, then Doc.

APPLAUSE

Nearly there. But we need one more
task to settle this.

Will you all, please, head to
the stage for the final task?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Potatoes. Lots of potatoes.

Katherine, it's your turn, at last.

Will you please read out
tonight's final task?

Yes, my lordship.

"Create the highest tower, using
only these potato-based items.

"Your potato tower
must be self standing.

"Your potato tower must be
built on the table.

"Your potato tower will be measured

"from the tabletop to
the highest potato point."

Any questions, so we're absolutely
clear about the rules?

What's a potato?

You've got 100 seconds.

Oh, what the f...?!

Do you want less, Joe?
Yes, please.

I'm just going to find the biggest
potato.

LAUGHTER

OK, your time starts on the whistle.

WHISTLE

STRAINING: That's not fair!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

60 seconds left. 60 seconds.

Go on, Joe! Shut up!

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

AUDIENCE: Oohhhh...

Eight seconds left.
Eight seconds left.

Two seconds.

WHISTLE

Step away!

Come back down here. We'll look at
some statistics.

APPLAUSE

So, how did they actually do, Alex?

Well, the task stated a
self-supporting tower of potatoes,

when the whistle was blown at 100
seconds.

We have a freeze-frame of the exact
moment when the whistle blew

at 100 seconds, and you'll see...

I did give him a two-second
warning.

There's only one person who is not
supporting their tower.

And that person is Mr Doc Brown.
Yeah.

APPLAUSE

It does mean we've got a final
score. And cos Doc was the only one

who completed that task,
the final scores look like this.

Here we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

First win in the series. I've been
terrible most of the series,

and I'm sure I'll be terrible again
after this. So I'm going to milk
this moment.

I'm going to dance to the Average
White Band, you bastard.

I'm fucking going to...
It's a good band.

That is a good band.
So, Doc wins the show.

Excellent work. Please, Doc,
vacate your seat and head up,

and claim your cool, blue prizes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done to you, Alex.
That was a great show. Thank you.

Thank you, Greg.
But what have we learnt today?

We've learnt if you want the
normally brilliant Richard Osman

to do badly, invite his children
to the audience.

And if you want Joe Wilkinson to
do badly, just watch any episode.

Congratulations to our winner,
Doc Brown!

CHEERING

Thank you, everybody, and goodnight!

Subtitles by Ericsson