Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Pork Is a Sausage - full transcript

APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.

Only on this show will you find five
of the country's most cunning comics

competing for my Golden Cranium.

At the end of the series,
the overall winner will lift it

high above their head,
roughly in line with my own head.

Unless Osman wins!

LAUGHTER

Let's meet them now.
They are Doc Brown!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Joe Wilkinson!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE



Jon Richardson!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Katherine Ryan!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Richard Osman!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Alex. Hello. My dear Alex.

How are you?

I'm very good. Slightly worn out.
Busy week?

I think I'm lucky cos you keep me
so busy.

I have to do all your little jobs -
your laundry, water your plants,

clean your legs - and I enjoy it.

I think we make a nice team. We do
make a lovely team. Very even team.

You did say "clean my legs" right?

Oh, yeah. Good.
On with the first task.

The prize task...what have
we asked them to bring in, Alex?

It's a tricky one.



We've asked them to bring in their
trendiest item of clothing.

So whoever's brought in their
nattiest threads will win

the first point for the show, and
the overall winner for the episode

will take home a brand-new outfit.

Thank you. Nattiest threads.
Yeah.

Thank you, mini grandad.

OK, Richard, let's start with you.

My whole life people have
spelt my name wrong cos

they think I'm one of The Osmonds,

the Mormon singing
group from the USA.

Someone has very kindly done
a T-shirt of all the Osmonds

but with my face.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Katherine, what did you bring in?

I brought in some amazing leggings.

I am a trend setter
and I think that...

LAUGHTER

This is a unicorn versus a robotic
dinosaur of some kind.

That classic clash.

I feel that these leggings
are not only flattering

but a conversation starter as well.
Everyone loves them.

They are. I mean, they're horrific.

Jon, what do we know about
your chosen clothes?

Other than it came from
a kids' shop?

LAUGHTER

I've brought along a cardigan.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What you can't see in that picture
is actually the joy of this cardigan

is, you see the black lining there?

Sewn into the cardigan
is another cardigan,

so it's like a black waistcoat
and then a grey cardigan.

That's cool.
It's very cool!

Joe. Simple. Brought my best tie.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, it's just the one
I get most wolf whistles in.

What's the lady?
That's my Auntie Pam.

You've had your Auntie Pam
sewn into a tie? Yeah, yeah.

It's cos she lives in Norwich -
miles away.

LAUGHTER

You wanna see her sometimes,
don't you?

And you wanna see her underneath
a small vintage car.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, she does wind me up a bit.

Lovely. Doc?

These are basically
waterproof Converse.

They're like wellies with laces. I
just think they're ridiculous, man,

but in my mind
that's what trendy is.

Just so you know, trendy does mean
"very fashionable or up to date."

OK, that rules out several of them
straightaway.

There's a degree of self-obsession
in yours, Rich.

A degree?

Osman's in last place.
Yes.

I like the unicorn pants. I'm going
to put them in second place.

Whoa. So you're doing fifth first
and then second second? I am.

I'm just doing it based on instinct.

I'm gonna put Jon...

I was gonna put Jon in first place
still he started looking at me

like that. Have to put him in third.

Don't look at him.
Don't look at him.

I'm gonna put him in third place.

I think that lots of trendy people
will wear those

stupid rubber trainers.
I'm putting them in first place.

So fourth place to Joe?
Yeah.

(Fuck!)
LAUGHTER

There, I've spoken.
So the winner is Doc Brown.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, great. Next task.

OK, here is the first main task.

"Eat me. Fastest wins."

Sheesh.

Hey! Ah.

Aw, man. I hate eggs.

"Eat me. Fastest wins."

Oh, shit.

I'm not eating a raw egg.
"Eat me."

Well, that's not gonna work, is it?
Am I gonna eat it raw?

ALEX: I do need to warn
the people at home

that you shouldn't eat raw eggs.

A pretty straightforward task.
It would genuinely disgust me.

Would it disgust you?
Eating an egg? A raw egg.

Well, no, you've got options -
you can scotch it,

you can do whatever you want.

LAUGHTER

I would scotch the egg.

If any of you guys have scotched
this egg I think you should

get the point.

There's a man called Joey Chestnut
who ate 141 eggs in 8 minutes.

Good old Joey Chestnut.

He did one egg every 3.5 seconds
for 8 minutes.

OK. Do you wanna see Doc and Jon?

I know for a fact that's who
you've lined up on the VT...

LAUGHTER

OK. Here they are.

Well, that's not gonna work, is it?

Am I gonna eat it raw?

You don't have to, there's a kitchen
ready if you need it.

How much do I want to win this task?

Will I be sick?
Has anyone eaten it raw?

AUDIENCE: Ew!

This is gonna be...

Yeah, raw, I thought so.

I can't eat it raw.
I'm not an egg man.

Really not. Only started eating
poached eggs a couple of weeks ago.

This is a huge challenge for me.

LAUGHTER

I might not be the fastest but I'm
the only one who seasoned his egg.

Piri piri salt?

If a task's worth doing
it's worth enjoying, right?

It's hot!

They're good.

Oh, hot egg!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, really hot!

Oh!

So hot!

All gone.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My favourite part of that
clip is Jon being

so proud cos it's all gone, Mummy.

"It's all gone, like a big boy."

LAUGHTER

You were both surprised
that they were hot.

LAUGHTER

I really enjoyed,
"I'm not an egg man."

I'm not. Eggs have always
creeped me out a little bit.

Do you know how I knew that
you weren't an egg man? Go on.

Cos you opted to break into an egg
with your mouth.

LAUGHTER

The more you watch this series,
the more you'll realise

how many bad decisions I make.

At one stage,
I was about six years old

and my sister explained to me
what periods were.

And then she explained to me
that an egg is the chicken version.

And since then...never really done
eggs. Well, that's put me off eggs.

Turned me on to them.

Horses for courses, isn't it?

Real gangsters run red lights.
You know what I'm saying?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm tempted to say a gentleman
waits till it goes green but...

LAUGHTER

Do you wanna know how fast
they did it? Yeah.

Jon achieved egg in
5 minutes 12 seconds.

How long? 12? Well, 12 seconds but
we normally say the minutes first.

12 seconds and 5 minutes.

Doc achieved egg in exactly
35 seconds and 3 minutes. No!

Oh, wait, 35 seconds AND 3 minutes.
I forgot about your system.

Do you wanna see Joe next?
I do. OK, here is Joe Wilkinson.

WHISKING

JOE WHISTLES

JOE HUMS

UTENSILS CLATTER

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I knew I wasn't gonna win this one.

So I thought I'd actually...

..enjoy it.

Mmm...

10 minutes 46 to eat an egg.

Took a hit on that one, mate.

Took a hit on it.

APPLAUSE

Lovely. I wish there were points
for style.

Really lovely meat display.
Yeah, I did a crescent of salami.

And a crescent of sausage rolls.

You know, standard stuff.

Really well done. Last place so far.

We wanna see how Katherine and
Richard are gonna achieve egg,

and we'll find out after the break.
See you then.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Taskmaster where
our famous five are putting their

reputations on the line for some
trendy clothes that have

already put their reputations
on the line.

Alex, please remind us
what's been happening. Hello, Greg.

So far we've seen Jon and Doc
burn their mouths eating hot eggs,

and Joe eating six sausage rolls.

We've just got Katherine
and Richard to see.

Do you wanna see Katherine first?
Yes, I do. Well, we can.

Here she is.

I'm sad because I've already lost
cos one of those disgusting boys

will have just eaten it by now.

But I don't wanna come last. Oh...

OK. I hate eating gross stuff.
Let me see what it's like.

Not that bad.

I don't wanna go out like this.

But I don't think
I can eat anything weird.

Sorry, guys.

I'm not gonna eat the egg.

Bad sportsmanship. I'm not
gonna eat the egg.

That's fair enough.
Thanks, Katherine. Sorry.

APPLAUSE

I think you'll find that those
disgusting boys won't have

just eaten the egg, they'll have
beautifully seasoned

and displayed it.

I'll thank you for keeping
your sexist views to yourself.

I was shocked by that.

I was sure every single person
was just gonna drink the egg

and as soon as I hadn't done that
I thought I'd lost.

I've never seen someone
sip an egg before.

I just... I thought I could do it.

You did do it, just the worst
of both worlds.

Once you've had the sip,
surely you go, actually, bang.

If you're an egg-oholic, Jon.
Some people can leave it...

Let's see how Richard did.
He's the last one.

AUDIENCE GROAN

APPLAUSE

Very impressive.

I was like Katherine, I felt sure
somebody would have done it.

It wasn't my favourite thing
I've ever done

but I had a nice cup of tea with me.

It literally doesn't
taste of anything.

That's cos you didn't eat
all the egg.

Quite a lot of egg
left on the table, I thought.

I cracked mine.

I would have eaten that but half
of it flopped out and I thought

I'm not gonna hoover it off the
table like some egg-hungry whore.

LAUGHTER

I would say, what he left
was what Katherine ate.

Yeah. These guys
cancel each other out, right?

I don't want to be involved in this
decision-making process

cos I think Jon's gonna be angry.

LAUGHTER

How lovely that you can devise
this show then hide behind me.

I think lots of people left little
bits of egg so, on this occasion,

I am going to say it's valid.

We've got Richard winning that.
In second place - Doc.

Third place - Jon.

Joe on four and I don't think
Katherine scores

cos she didn't do the task.

Time to look at the scores
after the first two tasks.

OK, well, Doc is way ahead
on 9 points.

Oh, whatever!

Next task, what do we have,
Alex? Me and you?

We have a lovely relationship and...

Next we've got a lovely task.
Here we go.

This? Yes, please.
It's not a trap, is it?

If it's "make a baby" I'm gonna win.

"Make the best music video
for a nursery rhyme."

"You have one hour.
Your time starts now."

Can't think of any nursery rhymes.

You've got kids, come on,
what do you sing to them?

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Hey Diddle Diddle, of course.

The cat did a piddle,
we used to sing at school.

Hey diddle diddle

The cat did a piddle.

Yes!

'All over the kitchen floor.'

The little doggy laughed

To see such fun

So the cat did a little bit more.

Is that one?

Do you know -

Peanut on a railroad track

Heart all a-flutter

Along comes a great big train

Choo-choo peanut butter.

OK...

You OK, Joe?

I'm thinking. I find you
really distracting.

LAUGHTER

OK, I'm all over it.

APPLAUSE

None of us know that song,
Katherine.

And you know why? Cos it's clearly
a fever dream you once had.

Richard was the only one who
didn't know any nursery rhymes

off the top of his head.
Why don't you know any?

You were born at 32, weren't you?

I was born at 6'1"
but I was a normal age.

I don't know, I think
the stress of the task.

It's awful when you open that
envelope. Nah, it's fine.

Do you wanna start with
the youngest male?

I don't mind who we start with.
I love videos, I love songs,

I love nursery rhymes. Put them
all together, let's party. OK.

Here is a party held by
Mr Jon Richardson.

LAUGHTER

HE PLAYS THREE BLIND MICE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's quality.

The response says it all.
Incredible... Incredibly disturbing.

The funny thing is, I'd already
filmed that before the task.

I've written down -
"nightmarish, creepy"

and then "strangely attractive."

LAUGHTER

It's really great. Really great.
We've all heard Three Blind Mice,

I've never imagined it
to be that awful.

For children?

Yeah.

You've heard of it? Yeah,
three blind mice, see how they run.

But I wouldn't show that
to my child.

No. I don't think Jon wanted you to.

LAUGHTER

I beg to differ.

It's no more disturbing than seeing
a peanut fucked up by a train.

Who's next? Katherine did aim
more at the youth market.

I made a music video for kids.
Great. This is Katherine's video.

# He's orange and looking rotten

# His toothbrush long forgotten

# That's James

# James, the dirty tooth

# Brush, brush

# Candy, crisps and sweets

# Gave him brittle roots for feets

# That's James

# James, the dirty tooth

# Brush, brush

# I love James, I love James
in spite of tooth decay

# Gingivitis, plaque, bad breath,
we're best friends anyway... #

But bunnies don't like him,
this hat doesn't like him,

kittens and foxes
and puppies don't like him,

his parents don't like him -
I love but don't like him -

yeah, nobody likes him cos,
James, oral hygiene stinks.

# James the dirty tooth. #

Go to the dentist.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I loved it.
Thanks, Richard.

It's like an audition for Glee.

And yet strangely creepy.

I wrote it cos I really
care about oral hygiene

and I feel like there aren't
any nursery rhymes about it.

Is that allowed,
making up the nursery rhyme?

There's no law. It's a
question - is that allowed?

Secondly, smell this.

LAUGHTER

I assumed that we were all
making them up and then I thought,

"What do I want
children to know about?"

About a dirty tooth?

That no-one will like you
if you don't brush your teeth.

So you are allowed to make up
nursery rhymes,

there's no rules against that.
Oh, then it's great.

She also wrote the music,
illustrated it, sung it

and used my awful teeth
to demonstrate how bad...

You have great teeth.
Thank you for the cameo.

I can fit a pound coin
through my front two teeth.

Yeah? Not that way, that way.

Is that so you don't get
stolen from supermarkets?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Very good. It was a tour de force,
Katherine. Well done. What's next?

Well, it's Richard Osman,
and he had a different approach.

Do you want to explain?

Whenever you watch videos you watch
them on YouTube these days

and there's always an advert
on beforehand so I enlisted

Alex's help and we made a little
advert before our video.

Oh, nice. Shall we watch it?
Yeah. OK.

I used to borrow my neighbour's
wheelbarrow before I bought

a Johnnson's Wheelbarrow.

Now my neighbour asks to
borrow my wheelbarrow.

Hi, Alex, can I borrow
your Johnnson's Wheelbarrow?

No. You have to buy your own
Johnnson's Wheelbarrow. Argh!

Johnnson's Wheelbarrow
are the best wheelbarrows.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# She'll be coming round
the mountain when she comes

# She'll be coming round
the mountain when she comes

# She'll be coming round
the mountain

# Coming round the mountain

# Coming round the mountain
when she comes

# She'll be wearing red pyjamas
when she comes

# She'll be wearing red pyjamas
when she comes

# She'll be wearing red pyjamas

# Wearing red pyjamas

# Wearing red pyjamas
when she comes. #

APPLAUSE

Was that an homage to The Verve?

It was an attempted homage to
Bitter Sweet Symphony by The Verve

but done in under an hour for,
I think, £14.70.

Although the Johnnson's Wheelbarrow
money came in handy.

My favourite part of the whole
thing was the idea that

Richard Osman lives in a shed.

LAUGHTER

Two nursery rhyme videos left
to see, one from an actual rapper,

one from an actual ridiculous man.

LAUGHTER

See you after the break.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Taskmaster
where Katherine Ryan might give

Richard Osman her unicorn pants.

Back to their nursery rhyme
music videos, Alex. Yes.

So far we've seen the debut
of James The Dirty Tooth.

We've also seen reversions
of the classic Three Blind Mice

and Coming Round The Mountain.

It's Doc Brown next.
Pressure's on, Doc. Doc Brown.

Sup, kids? You know a lot of these
nursery rhymes chat pure gibberish,

fantasy. This one's got some
real talk for you, yeah?

#TrueStory.

Yo, it goes

# One, two to the three, four, five

# Once I caught a fish alive

# I said six, seven to eight,
nine, ten

# Then I let that little
prick go again

# You say
Why did you let it go?

# Motherfucker bit my finger, bro

# Which finger did it bite?

# This little finger on my right. #

CHEERING

What's your problem with fish, mate?

Not a fish man.

LAUGHTER

We filmed that, it took an hour,
it was a mixture of blood

and fake blood.
Why were you bleeding?

Cos I punched that salmon
in its face so many times.

I had scales off the fish
that were embedded into my hand.

I'm not sure it was in the spirit
of the original nursery rhyme.

But it was really good.

Do you want to contrast that
with Joe Wilkinson?

What do you mean?
LAUGHTER

It's just different energy levels,
these two.

Here's Joe Wilkinson's. Ah, Joe,
it's gonna be shit, innit, mate?

LAUGHTER

# Old MacDonald had a farm

# E-I-E-I-O

# With an oink-oink here
and an oink-oink there

# Everywhere an oink-oink

# With a quack-quack here
and a quack-quack there

# Everywhere a quack-quack

# With a moo-moo here
and a moo-moo there

# Everywhere a moo-moo

# With a neigh-neigh here
and a neigh-neigh there

# Everywhere a neigh-neigh

# With a cluck-cluck here
and a cluck-cluck there

# Everywhere a cluck-cluck

# With a baa-baa here
and a baa-baa there

# Everywhere a baa-baa

# Old MacDonald had a farm

# E-I-E-I-O. #

That wasn't good, wasn't it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

I found it genuinely annoying.

I did as well.

Why do you think I found that
so annoying?

Cos he wasn't getting
the song right.

Correct, Jon.

Here an oink, there an oink.
Here a quack, there a quack.

We didn't know where the oinks were,
or the quacks.

# On that farm he had a pig

# E-I-E-I-O

# With a... #

What song are you singing?

LAUGHTER

Do you want to make your mind up?

Do you want to go from least
favourite to favourite?

Do it the other way.

This is the way I see it and the
audience will back me up on it.

Joe, clearly, is in last place.
LAUGHTER

Jumping up to Richard
living in his shed,

then Katherine I thought
was excellent -

but that's where I'm placing her -

and for joint winners
I'm putting Doc and Jon.

Everyone happy with that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Another task, a quick one, please.

OK, here is a very quick one.
Here we go.

SING-SONG: Another beautiful day.

"Using this camera..."

"Take a picture of an inanimate
object that looks like you."

Pfft, easy, I look like everything.

"Closest resemblance wins."

OK.

"Time starts now."

All right.

I take a picture of an object
that looks like me

but not an animate object...
an inanimate object.

Yeah, I'll do that.

I got a free camera.

LAUGHTER
Pretty happy about that.

APPLAUSE

Inanimate objects that look like
them. Let's have a look.

OK, we've got all five up here
so see what you think of these.

I don't know if you can work out
who's who.

LAUGHTER

If you'd just shown me the toaster
I still would have guessed Joe.

LAUGHTER

Am I supposed to guess
who I think...? Why not?

It's a process of elimination.
I think it's unlikely that

anyone else thinks they look like
the guy from JLS.

LAUGHTER

Would have been a very ballsy call
if I'd said that.

The more worrying question is how
I know that's the guy from JLS!

It's Marvin Humes.
Do you want to see him next to Doc?

It's a pretty close resemblance.

It was a desperate call.
I saw that doll and thought, "Boom."

I don't think you look like Marvin,

I think you should be disqualified
for racism.

On what grounds? On what grounds?

I'm gonna enjoy this!

LAUGHTER

You think Doc should be
disqualified for racism?

Yeah, he thinks that two black men
look alike. That's racist.

LAUGHTER

Do you want to move on to
the toaster? Yes.

You've deduced it's Joe.
I have, yeah.

We do have a second picture of Joe
where he looks...

Well, there's more of a similarity.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Romping into the lead.

LAUGHTER

Did you already have
the toaster picture?

That is none of your business.

Is that your toaster
with a punch in it? Yeah.

It's a de-stresser.

No, I'm not gonna let it go.

Why's your toaster got
a big punch hole in it?

Because sometimes it only
browns it on one side.

LAUGHTER

Tell me about Jon's.
OK, this is Jon's.

Do you wanna explain
what it is, Jon?

Yes, it's a 3D printout of me.

Whoa!

We do have it here.

Oh!

Yeah, the actual thing's incredible.
Actual size.

LAUGHTER

This is exactly what it looks like
if Jon's standing next to me.

"Ooh...why d'you keep
marking me down?"

LAUGHTER

If you want to keep that
as your good conscience...

I do want to keep it...
but not for those purposes.

I think it's great. If I'd just seen
the picture I would have said it was

shit but up close it's incredible.
Where'd you get that printed off?

3D printers. Lovely.

LAUGHTER

OK, Katherine Ryan here...

on the right, and Katherine Ryan
on the left.

Wow. Whoever the lady
on the left is,

she appears to have incredibly wide,
low-slung breasts.

LAUGHTER

It's from a box of the shape wear
known as Spanx. I've seen them.

And, honestly, I found them
really upsetting.

They are very upsetting.

You wanna see the last one?
Yeah.

Osman.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is incredible.

Even I double take
when I walk by that.

I always feel safe
when I'm around you, as well.

That's really brilliant.

The scores are -
in first place it's Richard,

second place is Jon,
and he doesn't deserve it,

third place Katherine, fourth place
toaster face, fifth place Doc.

Very good. On with the next one.

This time they're going to order
you your favourite food. Mm-mmm.

Pizza.

Got a pizza number.

LAUGHTER

"Order..." Huh...

"Order the following pizza
for the Taskmaster."

"Extra large vegetarian pizza..."

"With pepperoni and bacon..."

"Without tomato and cheese."

"You may not use
the following words..."

"Extra large, vegetarian, pizza..."

"Pepperoni, bacon, tomato, cheese."

"Bacon, tomato, cheese."

"You get a bonus point if you can
make the pizza person say the word

"bubbles."

LAUGHTER

Tricky.

Oh, man.

I'm nervous.

I'm not gonna get in trouble, am I?

LINE RINGS

Here we go.

APPLAUSE

What sort of trouble do you imagine
you're gonna get into?

It's like a real pizza place.
I don't prank call.

It wasn't a prank call,
we did order the pizzas

and we had five different
independent pizza places who

didn't know what was happening,
and they had to order extra large

vegetarian pizza with bacon
and pepperoni,

without tomato and cheese, without
saying any of those useful words.

Do you want to see Doc and Joe?

Um...yeah.
OK, phew, here they are.

PHONE BEEPS

'The number you have dialled
has not been recognised.'

I'd like to make an order, please.

I'd like one of your round,
doughy meals, please.

The biggest size.
'Extra large?' Yeah.

Oh, sorry, no, without the red sauce
and without the fromage.

LAUGHTER

'You need a stuffed crust, garlic?'
No extras.

BUZZER

'Sorry?' No extras.
BUZZER

And I would like with it, please,

I would like some circular,
thin meat.

What's that called?
The circular, thin...

Hello?

When you say pork what
kind of pork do you mean?

Do you mean the type you have
for breakfast, that you fry up?

That kind of slices of pig?
'Yeah, it's like a pig.'

Like a pig, yeah, but...

Slices of pig, what's that? Um...

Oh, God, my mind's gone blank.

You know like you'd have
with eggs in the morning.

'No, no eggs.' No, not eggs.
LAUGHTER

You know what I mean,
where you have sausage and eggs...

'Pork is a sausage.' I know sausage
is pork, I do know that.

Um, no, no... 'Bacon?' Bacon, yeah!
BUZZER

B-A-C-O-N.
'Bone?'

No, not bone. B-A-C... 'Bacon.'
Yes! Do you have any of that?

'Yes, we have bacon.'
Brilliant.

Lovely, I love you. Bye-bye.

LAUGHTER

Do I lose a point for saying
bacon back?

'You don't need a sauce or cheese?'
That's exactly right.

'Bacon and pepperoni?' Yeah.
'It's a different pizza.'

Yeah, it's a different pizza...
BUZZER

..for a different guy.
Maybe you'll remember me.

She was great. I can't believe
I said pizza, though.

APPLAUSE

You said she was great at the end.

Halfway through you were clearly
irritated with her.

"I know what sausage is,
I do know that."

Like she's the dick
in this scenario.

LAUGHTER

How many mistakes did Doc make?
You're not allowed to say "extras."

I said extras about five
times at the very beginning.

You said it three times
and "pizza" at the end.

How did Joe do?
One mistake.

That's really good.

APPLAUSE

We can see the pizzas,
we went and picked them up.

The correct order. It looks like
cheese but that's just the base.

It's meat on bread.

Just how I like it.

We're now going to see Katherine,
Jon and Richard order the pizza.

Hello, could I please order,
like, a venti, you know,

like your biggest size.

Can you do a meat-free one?

'Vegetarian you mean?'
Yes, please.

What are the discs...?
It's like spicy pork.

'We have got pepperoni, beef...'
Yes, that, please. The first one.

The one that's, like, circles.

'Pepperoni?'
Yes!

'It has beef, sausage,
bacon, ham, pepperoni.'

Could I have the last one?

'I mean, it comes all together...'

No, but if I could just get it
specially made.

All I want is two types of meat and
that would - sorry, I'm so sorry,

I'm surrounded by people here, all
of whom want something different.

LAUGHTER

Could I have it without tomato?
BUZZER

Do you have anything else pork?

'Salami, garlic sausage, meatballs.'

Do you have a breakfast pizza
or anything like that?

BUZZER
'No, we don't have that one.'

One is the breakfast kind, you know.
'Bacon?' Yes, that's it.

No dairy on it, if possible.
'You want cheese?' No.

N-n-n-no, please. Do they call it
a white pizza or...

BUZZER
..Bianca?

So have you got one
with a barbecue base?

'We do barbecue base.'
Lovely.

Have a great day.
'You too, bye-bye.' Bye.

Easy! So easy.

Huh.

Oh. What's wrong? I might not have
told them that I didn't want cheese.

LAUGHTER

'How may I help you?'

Hello, I just spoke to you,
I just placed an order.

'Yes, madam.'

I don't want the...pie to have
the...stuff on it that melts,

you know, the, um...
I forget the word for this as well.

I'm not from England. 'Cheese.'
That's it. 'OK.' Thank you.

Thank you, bye.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEEECH

Richard was the only one to not
say any of the words.

Katherine said the one,
Jon said the two.

Do you want to see their pizzas?
Katherine and Jon's.

You can see Jon's is vegetarian,
with the meat and no tomato

and no cheese.

There is tomato, I'm afraid
on your one, Katherine. What?!

Despite you saying the word tomato.
Yeah, there is tomato on there. Oh!

Richard, on the other hand,
was spectacularly wrong.

There were two...

LAUGHTER

Yeah, smothered in cheese.
Yeah, they were very muddled.

I loved Katherine's
"I'm not from England."

LAUGHTER

"I speak fluently but I do not
know the word 'cheese'."

LAUGHTER

But did someone manage to get
their pizza person to utter the word

"bubbles"? That's our cliff-hanger.

Join us soon for the last part
of the show where our five comics

will also take to the stage
for our final task.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the final
part of Taskmaster,

where our four comedians and quiz
show co-host, Richard Osman,

are embarrassing themselves
for the chance to go home

in one of Jon Richardson's
cardigans.

Alex, I believe we're on
tenterhooks. Course we were.

We're just about to find out
whether anyone has managed to get

the employee of a pizza parlour
to say the word "bubbles."

Let's see if they did.

'Your name, please.'
My name is "Buble." 'Sorry?'

"Buble." Spelled B-U-B-B-L-E-S.

That's perfect. Do you need my name?

'Yes, OK.' My name is Bubbles.
'Bubbles?'

DING!
Yeah, exactly.

'Can I have the name?'

You know Michael Jackson?
That's not the name, though.

But do you remember
the name of his chimp?

'Who? Jim?'

LAUGHTER

Yeah, do you have any Diet Coke?

Is it possible to have it
without the gas in it?

Do you have anything flat?

What do you call it when the gas
is in the drink?

'No, we don't have that kind of
drink.'

You don't have any drink without,
erm... 'No, we don't have.'

Er...OK.

Do you not remember the name of the
monkey? 'No, I'm sorry, sir.'

OK, we will see you
in about 15, 20 minutes.

When a mouth gets puffed up with air
and it makes those pockets of air?

What are those?
'I have no idea.'

You blow them, they're in a bathtub,
like soap makes these. 'Bubbles.'

DING!
That's it!

Could you do me a huge favour
and say "bubbles"?

'Bubbles? No.'
DING!

OK, you don't have to.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I love that he said no!

"No, I won't say bubbles."

And I also love the idea of
Richard Osman's pizza person going,

"Ah, he's going
on about Michael Jackson..."

LAUGHTER

We were getting on quite well.

I didn't realise the mess
he was gonna make on my order.

When you ask for a fizzy drink,
Jon, do you say...

"no bubbles"?
Without the bubbles in it.

JOE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

Katherine, Doc and Joe all got them
to say bubbles,

they all get a bonus point.

In terms of the task itself, Jon got
the most accurate pizza order,

so he wins it. So it goes Jon,
then Joe only got the one mistake,

then Katherine, then Doc,
then Richard. OK?

APPLAUSE

That's the first time you've ever
read out a score

and Jon hasn't had some
sort of objection.

LAUGHTER

I actually think...no.

How's that affected the scores?

Well, interesting. There's two
points between the top two people.

They are Doc and then Jon in first
place on 20 points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, time to stretch your legs
a little. Will you all please

head to the stage for the final
task of the show?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There they are in all their glory.

Joe, would you please read out
tonight's final task?

There we go, Joe.

"Using these big chopsticks, get
these potatoes into your basket."

Oh, for f...

LAUGHTER

"You must only hold the big
chopsticks on the grips provided.

"The big chopsticks alone may touch
the potatoes." Oh, ta(!)

"Whoever has the most
potatoes in their baskets

"after 100 seconds wins."

What was the middle bit of that?

You have to hold them...
I've read it once, mate.

LAUGHTER

You can pick up your chopsticks now.

Do you think we should
penalise Richard,

cos these are like normal-size
chopsticks.

LAUGHTER

Good luck, everyone.
The time starts now...

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, Richard Osman,
what are you doing?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This is interesting.
They're all in there.

Oh, no!

This is interesting.

Thought so.

LAUGHTER

You're finished.

It's too hard.

CHEERING

CHEERING

Ah, you little...!

15 seconds!

CHEERING

Get in the fucking thing.

OK...
WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Really dignified(!)

Let's bring you all back down here
to discuss your tactics.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Interesting variation in styles.
Alex, who did best, who did worst,

and who did between best and worst?

I guess we have to deal with Richard
first. It said on the task,

which Joe read so clearly...
Thank you.

"The cues alone may touch
the potato."

And I think they weren't
alone in touching the potatoes.

I did not hear him say that.
What you heard was,

"The cues and big old massive
hands can touch them."

I really hated that task, Alex.

Why, are you not a potato man?
Not a potato man.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Katherine got half her potatoes in,
five out of ten.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jon managed to get not
10 out of 10 - 11 out of 10!

He took one of Joe's.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's that done to the
final scores?

I can say the person who's won
the show has also taken control,

the overall lead of the series,
and that man is...

Mr Jon Richardson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So Jon is today's winner.

Jon, please go up and collect
your terrible clothes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And what have we learnt today?

Well, we've learnt that
Richard Osman is the only person

brave enough to eat an egg,

that Katherine Ryan can write
genuinely brilliant nursery rhymes,

Jon Richardson is shorter
than a snooker cue,

Doc Brown punches fish,

and we've learnt that Joe Wilkinson
is definitely gonna come last

in this series.
LAUGHTER

But mainly we've learnt that
tonight's winner is Jon Richardson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, everybody. Good night!