Switch (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Switch - full transcript

Stella works in an advertising agency,Jude in a boutique and Grace is a physiotherapist whilst Hannah has returned from a trip to India. They are not only flat-mates but witches,Jude using her powers to entice a hunk who is actually gay. The powers come in handy when Stella accidentally kills her abrasive,bullying boss Janet's pet cat and the girls bring him back to life. When Stella finally stands up to Janet she gets the sack so the girls use a spell to erase Janet's recent memory so that she believes she is still employing Stella but they go too far,regressing Janet to an innocent teen-ager,and have to call in Grace's mother,old style witch Gloria,to redress the balance. Grace is charmed by handsome young client Joel but,just as things seem to be going well for the girls,they find themselves hexed by the witches of Kensington.

Insurance, done.

Hostel address?

Got it.

- Miniatures for the plane?- Free booze.

I checked.
I think I'm all good.

It's only a year.

It'll fly by.

Well, stay safe, Han.

And remember, if
it's an emergency,

then just send a switch text.- I know.

I promise.

And don't repeat whathappened in Columbia, yeah?

Or Kuala Lumpur.

I'm a seasoned traveler.

Stop worrying.

Can't leave you lot
forever anyway, can I?

Well, let's make sure of that.

Come on.

Great talk.





And air.

Goddess great, mother of all,spirit mighty, hear our call.

Four elements
strong, we desire--




And fire!

We should really
start using nonstick.


I'll be done in a sec.

Taxi's here.

I'm sorry, Hannah.

I'm so sorry.

You look like Miss Marple.

There's just nothing
that'll look good on me.


Fit you well, mighty lad.

Relax, relax.



Might be shy.

Looks like it.

Well, at least you
stand a chance with him.

I'll definitely never knowwhat it's like to kiss

him, hold his big arms.

Choose a rescue dog with him.

No, you take it, please.

Your leg.

It's fine.

I'm a physio.

It's better for me to stand.


Put him out of his misery.


No, I'm fine.

No nothing's happened, Mum.

I don't sound strange.

Everything's fine.


Some men cannot take a hint.

I don't suppose you--


Coffee, sir?

Thank God you're all right.

So come on.

Hit me with it.

What's happened?

The body's in the other room.

I cannot believe
this is happening.

You make me get an 11-hourflight back from India

because you killed a cat.

It was an emergency.

Grace getting knocked offher bike is an emergency.

Jude being held hostage
by her junkie boyfriend

is an emergency.

You sitting on your boss'scat is not an emergency.

I didn't sit on him.

I microwaved him, OK?

Well, how was I supposedto know the little prick was

asleep in there.

I was in a rush because of youand your hour-long showers.

I wanted to give
my coffee a blast,

but I nuked my
boss's cat instead.

So can we all just figure out away to bring him back to life?

Otherwise, I'm going
to lose my job,

and I won't be able tocover your rent or yours.

And then we'll all be homeless.

Whatever you do, just
stay out of sight.

Missed you.

Missed you too.

Janet, come in.

Where's Timmy?

Cup of tea?

My cat-- now.

I'll just go and find him.




Spell book.

The founding sisters
would be so proud of us.

The founding sistersnever worked in advertising.

Here we go.

We need something of the cat's.

Witch hazel--

Witch hazel.

And virgin water.

I hate stuff out of jars.


Spirit, we ask with allour might, love this creature

Listen now to our command, andbring it back from Sutherland.

What is going on in here?



I've been getting emailsconstantly from New York.

- Yes, I'm sorry.
- I'm speaking.


Who's been
dealing with Marcos?

That-- that-- that should be--

The account manager.

Yes, you.

I leave you for three
days and

I've been using your roomfor private physio clients.

Your bed's in storage.

But you can bunk in with me.

It'll be like we're
at solstice camp again.

Let me take that
and put the wash on.

And you can hang your
things in my wardrobe.

Don't worry.

I'll probably be offagain in a couple of days.

This account represents
55% of our business.

What Marcos wants, Marcos gets--

with a big fat
cherry on the top.

You must be Janet?

There's no margin herefor error or incompetence.

If that phone rings one moretime, you're off the account.

Well, I- I- I'm
taking the battery out.

The battery's out.

I want the situation resolvedbefore I get to my desk.

Consider it done.

You look a mess.

I'll-- um--

I'll sort that out, out, too.

That went well.


She's horrible to you.

Well, it would have
been fine if your mum

didn't keep ringing me.

What is her problem?
- She worries.

That's ridiculous!

You're 22!

Grace takes shit off her mom.

You take shit off your boss.

What's the difference?

No, I don't.

I don't!

And anyway, Janet is the boss.

She-- I don't have to
explain myself to you.

Touched a nerve?

She comes home sometimes,and I know she's been crying.

Anyone seen my mobile?

You stupid cow!


Well, I'm sorry if I've
made a mistake, Janet.

But I'm trying my best.

And although you're
a great leader

and an inspiration to
work for, you never

give me any responsibility.

So can we talk about thislater in your office?

standing up to Janet.

What are you smiling at?

Last night went really well.

I miss casting spells.

And it means all fourof us have to be together.

- Don't start.
- What?

Guilt tripping me.

It's not fair.

I'm entitled to
occasionally travel--


You've been off the
for years.

You might as well not exist.

You're acting like travelingis some so-called cop out.

So I never vote, but I'm happy.

We want you to be happy.

We miss magic.

And we miss you.

But we've got the
rest of our lives

to be old witches together.

We don't have to
start just yet, do we?

Well, if we go off to become aBuddhist nun in Outer Mongolia,

can we at least
do another switch?

- What kind of switch?
- I don't know.


A little one like
an enchantment--

for a friend at work.

I feel really sorry for her.

This guy, he won't
even look at her.

She's got this wonky eyeand this big head, you know?

We can enchant the
brooch for a day or two.

Help things along?

Well, you got
something of his?

I've got a pair of glasses,railcard, some sweet wrappers,

some doodles.

You know, he can't even answerthe phone without doodling.

Bloody hell, Jude.

- It's you.
- OK!

I really like him.

Is that so bad?
- This one might work.

I just want
someone to love me.

And then all this
self-abuse will stop.

If you need me, I'll be
over there asking myself

some very searching questions.



I-- we've never really--

No, we haven't.

That's awful.

I know.

And where's your friend?

He's gone.

Left me all alone.

Why would he do that?

I'm sorry, Janet, if
I've made a mistake.

But it's because I'm
trying my best and--

These locations are
so bad, I've had to fire

three people to lift my mood.

Why are they so bad?

Well, I'm sorry, Janet,
if I've made a mistake,

but it's because I'm--

I'm trying--

Yes, you are.


Well, I'm trying my best.

And although you're a greatleader and an inspiration to--

I could get the
monkey to do this job.

-- to work for, you
never even give me--

A monkey on crutches.

-- you never you
never give me any--

Who operates the
keyboard with his nose.

Fuck off!

Thank you, Stella.

That will be all.




I didn't know you were in.

Stop it.

It's Stella.

No, get off.

Two minutes, yeah?

You came!


Spring water,
feathers, starflower.

is amazing.

Did you bring the spell book?

I could use me witch app.


We need to erase two
hours of Janet's memory

so that she hasn't
fired Stella yet.

We brought her
cat back to life.

I'm pretty sure we can do this.

And we need something of hers.

That's great, David,
and I'll take you

through the full
campaign on Thursday.

You ordered this?

Does this suit say
marketing to you?

Don't take this the
wrong way, but could you

please piss off
back to naughty land

or wherever it is
that you've come from.

Not you.


Well, listen, are you happywith the color palette?


I think we'll stick with that.

Good, so let's full steamahead then for Thursday.

Just check back.


Well, I'll bring
them in on Thursday.


Pink is good.

Yeah, it's witty.

Witty in pink indeed.

Great, David.

Well, I'm looking forwardto seeing you Thursday.


We've got the four boys comingin specifically for that.


Yeah, the team are very happy.


No, let me check.


Yeah, 4:45 Thursday.

Well, always a pleasure.

Thanks, David.

See you then.

Great spirit,
wise, sublime,

help us turn the
hands of time back

to when no harm wasdone, no tempest sprayed,

Take Janet--

- What's her surname?
- Boat.

Janet Boat.

Her brother's called Bob.

Bob Boat.

I know!


Take Janet Boat to a previousplace where

shows upon her face.

Good work, Han.


All right?

Yes, all good.

You OK?


Yeah, I'll just
carry on, shall I?

Carry on.



So should I rebook your
flights for tomorrow?

Thank you.
How's the dragon?

Memory wiped.

You were great today.


I'll get you extra leg roombecause you're going to need

to catch up on your sleep.

Go into my room in
the little black desk,

and there's an envelope
in there for you.

I forgot to give it to you,what, with our feline episode.

What's all this?

STELLA Well, it's myHannah's Flying Visit Emergency

Pack just in case
you ever interrupted

your trip with a visit home.

What are all these cards?

You remember
the girls' birthdays.

I put some money in
there for stamps too.

Got to go.

Am I a shit friend?

What do you mean?

You're amazing--
when you're here.

I'm hardly ever here.

When was the last time Iremembered your birthday?

You manage to get me a presentwherever I am in the world.

And I can't even
pick up the phone.

It doesn't matter.

It's different, isn't
it, when you're the one

is away, having adventures.

Home just doesn't exist.

That's fine.

No, it's not.

Home totally exists.

I think about you
lot all the time.

I've got to go.

You're a lovely friend.

See you later.

Let me help with those.

It's OK.

I'm grateful for the work.

Let me help.

What's the matter?

Is this some sort of test?

I don't know what this means.

I think we need a little chat.

I think that you can
start with her, Stella.

You know our account.

Well, I know how much Janetwants to present to you.

So I'll just go and see
if I can hunt her down.

So he said he'd
phone me on Friday

to make arrangements, whichhe doesn't, and he won't

answer any calls all night.

And then I see on
his Facebook he's

been out with lacrosse mates.

So I IM him, and he's
all, "I have got flu."

Why is he lying to me?

Well, I didn'tunderstand a lot of that,

but it sounds to me like
he doesn't appreciate

what he's got with you.

What are you doing?

I've been looking
for you everywhere.

Marcos has had two cups
of tea and a muffin.

Well, I can't cover anymore!

Are you going to be all right?

Yeah, everyone says you'rethis bitch queen from hell,

but they're wrong.

They say that?

When you go to New York, there'sthis special dance we do.

Even the IT boys know it.

And I've never seen
anyone talk to them.

Does everyone hate me?

Of course, but you love that.

Do we open with questions?

Or do we
with presentations,

focus groups, and summary?

What's your feeling?

Who's Marcos?

Sorry I'm late.

It's OK.

It's you.



So what do you want?

The massage.


It's just this ligament
thing, aggravated.

I kept my pants on.

I don't know the rules.

I haven't shagged him, have I?

Definitely would
have remembered him.

Is he important?

I love them!


By my calculation,
you think it's 1990.

And that would make you 17.

And by this, well, I thinkwe can agree that you have

no idea about the modern world.

Video call.

Rebecca from Markus's office.

Janet, Hi.

Hi, Rebecca.

It's Stella.

Can she see me?

Sorry, this is a bitawkward, but Marcus isn't

best pleased you stood him up.

We're going
to have to take

our account to Blush Media.


But you've seen their
deodorant campaign.

I mean, they think
bikinis are ironic.

Please, you have to
give us another chance.

I'll see what I can
do, but you better

pull it out The bag tomorrow.

I'm going with it becauseI don't want to freak out.

But I am pretty sure
I took some acid.

So what kind of physio
have you been having?

Not much really.

Had some at another sportphysio clinic in..

I work out
of there sometimes.

And to the Camden branch.

I don't work out there.

How long have you been going?

Since yesterday.

Since I saw you.


Are you all right?

Are you safe?


Get out!

I've been going
out of my mind!

Mum, you can't just bargein when I'm working.

What the hell was
going on yesterday?

I thought you'd been kidnapped!

Can we talk about
this in private?

So now you want to talk to me.

Thank you for that.

I should probably get going.

Come back!


I mean, come back
again for a massage.

So, So, girls, why didn't youcome to the last solstice?

I was ill with
a personal thing.

I've been traveling.

Still flighty as ever,honey, just like your mother.

I was really busy with work.

Got to keep the bosses happy.

Katherine was there
with her coven, blessing

every bloody twig in sight,all four in matching outfits.

I was running a lentil stall.

No grace in the girls this year.

Every bowl.


How do you think
it makes me look

when I can't get my owndaughter to go to solstice?

Anyone would think
you were decloaked.

Just because I missed
solstice doesn't mean

I've giving up practicing.-.

Doesn't it?

So how are you
practicing when

airhead keeps flitting off?

I needed a break!

A break?

A break?

You're a witch, love,
not an IT consultant!

Han's back now anyway, Mum.

For a bit.

You know, we've beendoing some serious casting.

We did a memory haze and--

And an enchantment,
a romantic enchantment,

and a summoning of life.

You brought someone
back from the dead?

It was only a cat, but--

No, I'm still--

I'm very impressed.

Wait till I tell Rheannonyou girls are summoning life.

I can't wait to see herlittle pinched Welsh face

when she hears about this.


Why stay a moment longer whenyou could be home boasting.

That switch we cut,
we really fucked it up.


I love this magazine!

How much starflower
did you put in?

About a cup--

cup full?

And did you-- did
you bless the feathers?


You see, this is the problemwith a part-time coven.

Well, it's my coven.

So just deal with it.

There's nothing in hereabout reversing or opposites.

No, no, once you've
cast the spell,

you can't break it or
cast an opposite spell.

You can only lift it.

How do we do that?

Well, if someone is underthe influence of someone else,

the only way to lift thespell is for those two people

What truth?

Well, it's
different every time.

You'll have to work
it out yourselves.

Otherwise, that woman--

-- is going to be
like this forever.


Where am My sleeping?

Where are you going?

To the pub?

Got a date.

Why don't you come?

Um, no because it's a date.

That would be weird.


Well, I guess I'll
see you tomorrow then.

Probably not.

Um, I'm off.



Well, I thought I'd giveSouth America another go.

I met this guy in
Thailand who spent

a summer there herding llamas.

It sounds amazing.

They give you your own yurt.

How cool is that?

Today, I booked my flights.

Better say goodbye now then.

Don't forget your brooch.


How many channels are there?

I've got an idea.

Why don't we tell each othera secret about ourselves?

Like what?

Something huge, somethingyou take to your grave

that you would never
normally tell anyone.

Is this like a bonding thing?


Then we'd be like
friends forever?


Sort of.

OK, um-- well, this
is quite a bad one.

That's fine.

I won't judge.

I slept with my
sister's boyfriend

while she was in a coma.



Well, um-- I'm a witch.


No, you're not.

You're lovely.

No, I actually--

I'm a witch.

And I've cast a spell onyou and giving you amnesia.

You're such a tool.

He loves fashion,
art, Calvin and Hobbes.

He's got the same
sense of humor as me.

He lives two tube stops awayfrom me, and he isn't married.

Who was that?

Just my mate, Hannah.

She likes to check up on meand make sure I'm still alive.

And what were you saying?

Just that I'm having areally nice time with you

and that I think
you're really, um--

Well, I think you're really--

too, which is amazing becauseyou're the first woman

I've been with.

Well, I was gay
before I met you--

at least I thought I was anyway.

I only used to think
about men and was too

shy to do anything about it.

But all along, it was justbecause I hadn't met you.

I know.

You make me feel mighty real.

How did we get on?

Janet, how old are you?


Why do you keep asking me that?

I'm going to have
to move in here

if this is the kind of messyou get yourselves into.

You do the presentation.

We'll look after Janet.

I can't leave her.

Look at the state of her.

Even more reason to do it--

for her.

I can't do it on my own!

Will you stop shouting please?

Calm down and think whatwe're going to with Janet.

No, I don't care about Janet.

She treats me and
everyone else like shit.

Let's just leave her like this.

She doesn't mean it.

No, I do.

I do mean it.

She's a cow.

That's the truth.

So tell her then.


Tell Janet the truth.

You're a cow.

Tell her.

You constantly undermine me.

You're a bully, a bitch,
a complete nightmare.

And you never give me
any responsibility.

Yes, yes.

But without you,
there'd be no agency.

And-- and I do
admire you for that.

Do you?

Do you also admire
the fact that I'm 43

and my only friend is my cat?

What do you think of me?

Lazy, incompetent,
low-impact personality.

Low-impact personality.

Come on, Janet.

We've got a presentation
to get ready for.

Your product is a joke.

But in-jokes are the best jokes.

They're fun, intimate,
and more importantly,

an aid memoir for friendship.

Stella, why don't you runthrough the ideas we've got?

How'd it go with Miles?

I don't I think
it's meant to be.

You've still got twohours left on that brooch.

You want to work your
magic on someone else?

Grace, you're a bloody genius!

All went well then?

Well, there's rape alarms.

I don't--

I don't want them.

Just keep one in your bag.

They'll drag you down.


You're a much better
witch than all of them.

You should be in.

I can find you a new coven.

I already have a coven.

Yes, formed at solstice
camp when you were 14.

Don't you think it's timeyou moved on, found yourself

some more mature elements?

They need me.

To make themselves
feel better probably.

Take that back.


I don't want to tied toyour apron strings anymore.

What you just
said-- take it back!

I just don't want you
making any mistakes.

That's all.

You're supposed
to make mistakes.

That's life.

Now go home and let me have one.


Aaron, put this brooch on.

No, you said it mademe look like Miss Marple.

- No, I have a theme.
- Just try it.

It clashes.

Put it on.

What's wrong with you?

It will go with your eyes.




We've never
probably met, have we?


What is that?

Um, I don't know.

I love your brooch.

Can I take a closer look?

What are you doing?

12 quid for a pair of
too-tight flat socks.

I mean, have you ever
even heard of anyone

getting deep vein thrombosis?

I reckon it's a scam.

All packed?

I didn't really unpack.

Of course, you didn't.

What's wrong?

I just wish sometimes you'dwould stick around long enough

for me to actually talk to you.

Well, I'm hear now.

Talk to me.

It's my mum.

You know, I know she's apain in the ass, but she--

it's only because she lovesme, And I'm horrible to her.

You're not horrible to her.

I just sent her home and toldher to stay out of my life.

Do you speak to
your mum like that?

Maybe-- if I knew
where to find her.

Hell, I'm sorry.

I'm being selfish.

No, you're not.

Listen, you argue with yourmom because it's intense,

and you love her.

And when you love someone, yousay all kinds of horrible shit

to them.

It's actually a good thing.

I'd love to have ascreaming round with my mum.

But the truth is, she
doesn't really care

enough to have one with me.

No sympathy hugging.

This isn't about me.

All right, where's your mom now?

Coach station.

Then go there and thank
her for being the pain

in the ass that she is.

I love you, Han.

Tell that to Gloria.

I promise I'll
answer my phone more.

I've got a coach
to catch, Grace.

And I'll come home
for the next solstice.

Only if you want to.

Mum, please.

It's just--

I don't know where to start.

Come on, love.

One minute.

Even though there's three ofthem, they don't replace you.

Come on--

Back off!

I'm talking to my mum!

Yes, yes, and she
lives in London now.

And I don't get to seeher as often as I'd like--

Promise you'll come
home for solstice.

I'll bring my coven.

Keep your mom happy?


It's Grace.

I was wondering if you wantedto make another appointment.

Taxi's here.


Have you got your sun cream?



Check, check, check.

You're going then.

I never said I'd stay.

What if I hadn't
got back in time?

You would've just
gone, would you?

You hate goodbyes.

Whereas you clearly couldn'tgive a toss about them.



My room.

It's not finished.

It's beautiful.

She's in here every
night doing something.

I wanted to make it nicefor when you got back.

When you were herebefore, it was always so--




No wonder you never
wanted to stay.

Every country you go
to, I put it up here

so we always know where you are.

Look at all the
places I've been to.

Show us where
you're going next.

- What?



I'm staying in London.

Let's bless the room.


We haven't got anything for air.

Spirit, bless this room for us.

What was that?

What happened?

We've been hexed.


Who the hell has hexed us?

Spirit, we call
on your good will.

Reveal to us who wishes ill.

Show the one who wouldcause harm to a vengeful hex

Trust we won't retaliate.

Our only aim is to defend ourprecious coven to the end.

It's the witches
of Kensington.

It's starting again.