Stromberg (2004–2012): Season 2, Episode 5 - Stromberg - full transcript

The less people work
the greater the workplace.

In the Balkans this would be
would be an apartment in terms of size

for a family of ten.

And here sits one alone.

FC Schalke '04.

- Soccer, well.
- Mr. Stromberg?

We had said eleven o'clock and there was no one
sat no one, so I thought that I ...

Mr. Reichert from Januswerke
called me.

The water damage
in the two factory halls.

- Supposedly nothing has happened there yet.
- Yes, it is.

So maybe not like the water
in the factory halls, but...

Do you have any idea
what the volume of the Janus is with us?

You handle this
with top priority, yes?

Uh, that is, on Monday, the water is
In dry cloths, I'll say.

What's the online construction site doing?

They have a warning letter,
They have miserable numbers.

I say. I'll do the online thing
directly with Mr. Heisterkamp.

You can do it for all I care...

Oh, I don't care what you do.

With the Becker, you can imagine,
there father was a pieceworker.

and the mother an attack dog.

Emotionally far below room temperature,
the fine gentleman colleague.

Always just: do you have this already,
do you have this already?

Sometimes relaxed, sometimes friendly,
he can't at all.

He can't at all.

Just because he realizes that
from the inner values, I say,

that I put him in the pocket there,
he reacts with pressure. And.

Office is 90 percent psychological warfare.

Have you seen Nine and a half weeks.
seen where they're like this, here like this....

Nah! Can you borrow some.

Here, the Becker just called me
called me, and we are supposed to...

Here, Ding, oh what's his name?
Keep it straight! Keep it straight!

Listen, Ernie,
take a breath in a bag, yo.

- Here, about the working group.
- You're turning completely hollow here...

I need until six o'clock, when I'm supposed to present
to present the progress report,

and when we have the... Thing... the...

Here, menu navigation,
this is what you do best.

There's still some work to be done,

Yes, but if we now
a little bit now, then...

Yes, okay,
I'll call Ingo right away.

I thought we were bumming overtime,
bumming and fiddling was the plan.

Yes, Ulf, now

- If we present something by six...
- Hey, Ernie is coming here

rushed in and suddenly there is alarm,
or what, come on, go away!

- Oh Ulf now everything is here...
- Ulf, don't be always...

Only because nobody plays with you anymore,
here, eat another tear.

[Ulf] A relationship is not a porn movie.
Of course.

Here's the number, Ding-Dong.
at the apartment door

and before he can say, in the office
it was shit today, she's moved out.

Only, we have the kitchen table
now actually only for eating.

The other day she arrived in her pajamas.
Hello? With bears on them.

After not even seven months.
So I kind of think to myself...

with bear, yo.

- What's up?
- About the water damage.

I wanted to do it very briefly.
I have picked out the process.

So here I am...
that runs.

- Yes?
- Yeah. Just wanted to say.

And what about him?
Did he mess up again, or.

On the contrary, his working group
has done an excellent job.

Yes, absolutely, you have to....

Yes, now that you're here,
I might as well tell you.

Mr. Heisterkamp will therefore have
more responsibility in the department.

More responsibility...
I think is good.

And in what sense now exactly?

How we divide the competences between you
I am still thinking about.

But I will let you know in due time,

If you already ride on the Titanic,
best with Hein Blöd at the wheel.

So I've already a lot, but something like this.
never. Sharing competencies with Ernie!

Just because he crawls so
far up the ass,

that the Becker already has scales
are falling out of his mouth. But without me.

Before I hang my backbone
I hang my backbone on the coat rack,

rather a Monday falls onn Tuesday!

He can wait for a long time,
the Mr. Becker.

[Erika, mouth full, singing along with the radio]
What does she have that I don't have...


It is very bad with me.
First I want sweets, then hearty...

Oh, can I?

Well, you beauties,
not canteen now, or what?

[Tanja] Nah, it's faster here.

- Careful, they are super sharp.
- But I am sharper.

Have I heard that you
rented such pigskin films.

Tell me,
what are you telling around here?

It's super funny. What was his name?
Snowflake and what else?

Snowflitchen and something about
with monster mugs.

Funny. Say,
you're out of your mind.

- That's cute! Now he is ashamed.
- Bullshit, yo.

It's not so bad, what do you think,
how many people watch porno stuff like that?

- Yes, it's good now!
- We didn't watch that one.

People do the most amazing things
to get variety in the box.

Dyeing pubic hair, for example,
an acquaintance

Tell me Erika, you can crochet a pattern in it for all I care!
crochet a pattern, ey!

So, break is slowly over, ne?
Also for you.

Here five, well, six minutes
but then, ne?

[We are talking
about Ulf's porn movies.

Tell me Erika, now shut
shut the fuck up, really!

Well, then ten minutes, but then....

No, Tanja?

More responsibility with me, that is,

Stop juppeidi all day.
with the others.

After all, that has been in the department for years.
been the mistake. There was a lack of authority.

And there I see now
my task.

When one arrives like this:

Trallalla, oh, oh,

is paper jam,
then I'll do it tomorrow.

Nah, so the hammer is circling from now on.

Nah, so...

Oh, the backrest is broken here,
from the...

- Morning.
- Morning.

[Bert] Lockable file storage room
is mine now.

They have coughed
coughed into your brain.

Your Tinnef here with me...

- I am responsible for...
- Smurf uprising is canceled!

Now I call Mr. Becker.

The psychiatric clinic has a walking day today,
you have to be a bit careful.

Yes hello, Mr. Becker please.

Yes Mr. Becker, hello, Heisterkamp.

It is about
about the lockable file storage room.

Yeah he doesn't let me finish at all,
if I...

Yes, he doesn't want to.

[Bert on phone.]
That would probably be the best thing.

Yes, good. Thank you.

Mr. Stromberg!

Telephone for you!

Mr. Stromberg,
Mr. Becker is for you, right away!

Yes, here he comes now.

Mr. Becker.

Nope, nope.

I don't care.

Yes. Yes.

Yes, bye.

Gee, that's all here now....

Mr. Becker?

You can't in the house.
tear down load-bearing walls.

and instead put the Ernie,
it's totally...

Imagine Bill Gates.

They could have taken the then
just kicked him out of his store.

Because of some kid's shit,
And there would have come some Ernie.

Then we would have no computers today,
That much is certain.

[Sabine] Yes, but I can just,
so I just come.

Just come, no problem,
but badminton is not my sport.

- You don't?
- No.

- Too bad. But otherwise, I just knock.
- Okaydokay, ciao. Bye!

The little Buhrer with the big...

she's got a lot going for her,
and in the blouse.

- Do you need any change?
- I wanted a latte.

Yes, no problem,
That's what colleagues are for.

But you should beware of the Sabbel
beware of the Sabbel. I always say Sabbel.

I know them quite well.
If you understand what I...

Here, even fitting.

I know the whole store and wanted to
with you again about my position...

Milk cup was that?

Here, Wednesday, I had forgotten
here it comes really thick for you.

- Hello, we are talking right now.
- Yes, yes.

Unfortunately, there's a real smackdown
for you. What a pity.

After Saturday?
But I see it quite differently.

There were three people kicking you,
who do you want to put up there?

- The bank, it is a bank...
- Yes, baber baber.

- Three more can easily fail.
- Yeah, babble, babble.

On Thursday we meet again,
same place, then you: Flenn, flenn.

Nah or her like this:
Crap crap crap crap!

The number one, the number one,
The number one in the pot are we!


Yes, man, with soccer
he really thaws out, the Becker hm?

Listen Schnupps, sorry about yesterday,
because of the uproar about the film.

- Oh, it doesn't matter.
- I was just mad because....

Come on, forget about the stupid movie.

Yes, but it is not at all
about the film.

I just thought, you know.
something again somehow so...

So peppering, or something.

Peppers? What peppers?
Do I have that twice?

Tell me, have you ever been
in a hotel or something?

- What? What is that again?
- What, it might be cool?

You know, the two of us,
in our own city once in the hotel...

- Stromberg.
- You're really cute, hotel.

- So, I have to go.
- What?

I'm going to meet Nina
about the wedding.

- Why?
- Wusel, I told you that.

- Yes?
- Yes.

Yes well,
but what about the hotel now?

Here, no, come on,
that's Stromberg!


Yes, Mr. Stromberg, he is here.


Yes, what is it?

Yes, of course I am a soccer fan.

Yes what should I tell there now?


Yes it's alright, I'll be right there.

So there will be shifts in the future
of responsibilities here.

That is why I asked Mr. Heisterkamp,
to join us later.

A test run with Ernie, but more
from the department Aktion Sorgenkind.

Ernie's a bit of a...

- I've got a little graph here.
- Okay.

Did anybody see the Schalke game?
So that was some hot shit?

The 1:0, old swede, that was
but easy 30, 35 meters where the ...

But that's something completely new,
Mr. Stromberg, your interest in soccer.

No, always have been,
I've always had a lot there.

Then still Schalke?
Aren't you a Schalke fan, Mr. Becker?

Yes, I think that has become
got around here by now.

- Really? I didn't...
- Yes, with picture and everything.

- Huh?
- Yes, that picture there.

Och, yes, there they all stand,
the guys.

There you work together
and know nothing about... May I?

I bought this on eBay,
I'm not allowed to say what the...

With a piece of original turf
from the park stadium.

Look, the guys here have even
all signed, that's great.

Well, I would like to have that too.

That's, so quite...
Oh, sorry.

So there you have quite something fine,
quite something fine.

[Stromberg laughs.]

For both of us this is
like the Madonna of...

from Dings, so where all the
Cripples always go...

- Morning!
- Oh, on cue.

- Mr. Heisterkamp.
- Ernie, nice shirt you have on there.

Is it also available without sweat?

- We are talking about soccer right now.
- Good to see you, Mr. Heisterkamp.

Let's have a go then.

Too much ambition is like a.
Sixth finger. More trouble than good.

Well, that's our Ernie.

But on the executive floor, anything goes.
more about the personal grease.

Can I talk to him? Is there something going on?
Well, not now in that sense.

I am not, and the Becker is not really
not really, I think.

It's not my type at all...
But that is also one of my strengths:

That I can react
to the people.

So on the level now.

You can push that,
so wait a minute, now...

Here, Friday 18:00.

- Everything clear?
- Okay.

It's a great thing with Schalke!

That of all things we both, huh?

- Friday I can not.
- And then also Schalke!

Indeed. Would not have believed
that you are a Schalke fan.

Yes, always have been.
German champion for the first time in 1934.

1958 for the last time.
So 3:0 against HSV.

Did you know that Schalke
was called Westfalia Schalke in the beginning?

And there also the club colors
yellow-red had?

- Really?
- Mhm!

And only nineteen hundred and four....

...twenty! Has the soccer
separated from the gymnastics department,

and only then it was called Schalke '04
and the club colors became

here, blue and white.

- You really are a fan.
- Yeah yeah!

And that's why I thought,
tomorrow's game, that's...

- Against Dortmund?
- Yes!

That we might watch it
together, so really.

- Excuse me? Only very briefly.
- My face, Ernie, what is it?

Yes that meets
actually quite well.

Mr. Stromberg suggested
to watch the game with the department.

Oh, no, I thought that we both...

Maybe it is good for the team spirit
for the team spirit of the department.

But tomorrow is very bad for me
me, because I actually wanted

still with the working group
on the online history...

There is still a life
outside of Capitol.

Mr. Stromberg, I think that
a very good idea with the game.

- Are you organizing that?
- Yes, gladly, sure.

Yes, I am looking forward to it.

Ahso, what is actually
with the water damage?

Don't mess it up, upstairs
one has already become quite clear.

So, see you tomorrow!

[TV sportscaster.]
An amazing atmosphere in the arena!

I really do not understand what
now again should. Schalke?

Ask me, I would much rather
watch at home ey!

Oh, I want to sleep right now

Sleep, I would be there too.

I can imagine that.

Ulf, can you
knead my shoulder a little bit?

yes, where was it again?

No rather here. You know, I have to
to clean up. What in a minute?

Yes, my mother is coming

- She will sleep with you again?
- Yes, should I send her to the hotel?

It is only a few days.

Here what you wrote
Because of the sales function.

We have to
suck on it again.

Hey, tell me Ernie,
look at the clock!

- Yes Feierabend!
- Yes Ulf, closing time is in exception...

Dings is on announcement.

Ulf, give it a rest.
What do you think?

Here, I mean we have to
final edit here.

Tell me Ernie, have you had a crash course
in becoming an asshole

or what? I liked you much better as a normal
I really liked you much better as a normal idiot.

Yes Ulf, and such things, that runs
in the future also quite differently here.

- Well, you boss?
- Are you already director?

Yes, that's...

Come on now, here, I have a
a surprise for you.

I have new,
I also have in red.

[Ulf] The everyday shit.
is yes what everything.

Breaks everything down, I say.

First comes the bear pajamas.
And then we'll talk about cooking.

Happens already today.

Yes, and then sometimes I think...

[Bert] All right in Africa!

My parents, they always.
Mom and Dad called each other.

How did they
get me in the first place?

Before I get started on that,
you can butcher me.

For real now, yo!

[Pitch noise and the
Sports reporter from the TV]

Oh man pass him off man!
There he stands free! Left!

It doesn't exist!

There is no such thing, they play
like my grandma's brother when...

- Very good!
- Good?

- The midfield is running.
- The midfield, yes that...

Mr. Becker, very briefly,
[Cheers from the background.]

we could simplify the system
simplify the system again...

- I bet this will take until tomorrow.
- Yeah but really, Ernie!

Enough striving, let the men
watch soccer here.

Your supervisor is here too!
Come on, go play!

You shit bucket!

I don't believe it, man!
What is he whistling?

A big asshole,
where was that foul?

Nah, offside, here, you can see it
see in the slow motion there.

Ah yes, in the slow motion you can see it.

[TV sportscaster.]
...clearly see...the BVB always... he has to cross, and goal! 1:0!
[the spectators cheer]

Miss, miss, miss!

[bawls] Aah, my eyes hurt.

When I see the Dortmunder

Very good!

I'll get two more!

- Jo!
- Jo!

[TV sportscaster.]
...what the team did in terms of tactical...

So, thank you, you have not missed anything.
There, the gap!

Ah, but yes really!

Now we are also among us here,
Ernie has just fucked off.

He is not interested in football
at all for soccer, Ernie.

Yes, then on Schalke!

Was really a nice idea from you.
So this with the game.

Yes, that's great! There you can also
fully rely on me,

so because of soccer and generally
and so on.

and goal, goal for Schalke!

[Stromberg bawls]
Such a day, so beautiful....

By the way, the score is 1:1.

Yes, sure.

The number one, the number one,
the number one in the pot

- Mr. Stromberg, I wanted to come to you.
- Were those firecracker goals yesterday?

My dear Mr. Scholli, what?

We have lost the Janus as a customer

because you did not take care of the
Water damage taken care of.

I did!

As a lump sum?
With a T2 forecast?

Yes, I was probably already a little too much
in the district derby fever.

Stop it now
with this soccer crap, for God's sake!

560,000 euros!

And you treat this as if
a pane has broken!

Because you have nothing but soccer
in your head!

Nothing but soccer
you can't say now, either.

Oh, I have been hearing from you for days
nothing else than Schalke!

Is no wonder
that you get nothing on the chain!


I guess I just have to shift more
to Mr. Heisterkamp.

And that with you, that
I have to think about it very carefully.

[in the background the elevator dings]

Damage category 1B and C
makes Mr. Hansen

uh, Mrs. Hansen
and Mr. Montenbruck, yes?

Damage two then, Ulf

- together with...
- My ass, no more twos.

Ulf, I was thinking something,

Yes, of course, is all this...

Ulf, this...

So, that's all broken out here,

Ulf, I'm not done yet!

Four, this is then the Lars Lehnhoff,
will do that, where is he?

Yes, when it starts like that,
when I say it is meeting

and then everyone as he wants,
can of course also not at all...

Because I have brought
I have brought with me?

- Yes, but one with a bear on it.
- I don't believe it!

Look, it's not about
about this crappy pajamas.

What is it about then?

Yes, I think maybe it would be better
if for a while we...

Tanja, now stop crying.

I didn't say anything
about breaking up or anything.

I mean the way it is going at the moment
is just kind of shit.

- Is actually no break now!
- Ulf] Yes say times, verfatz you!

You have been working for 20 minutes now,
and I actually need...

Get lost,
otherwise I'll really give you a tick, right?

- So Ulf, that's it for you now--
- Fuck off!

Mr. Stromberg, you have to warn Ulf
now, in writing, officially!

That's not possible at all,
he has just physically--

You don't think I'm going to
the potatoes out of the fire.

- You wanted boss, now you have boss.
- You are really crazy!


Yes man, Ernie. There you are
on the way to the employee of the month.

Keep it up!

[Phone rings]

[Bert slams drawer shut]

- Ernie, what was that just now?
- What was what?

I just closed the drawer.

Just like that your drawer?
You almost pinched my fingers!

- You can't just do that!
- You just go to my things!

You can't just
pinch my fingers...

Who has nothing in the window,
You must have a hell of a lot in the store.

Yeah, and there's Ernie.
then it's rather rather thin.

- Yes can not everyone here...
- What?

- Ulf has already...
- Yes, Ulf, I don't care!

Then I go also times to your things
and look through everything!

From the outside, an Ernie always thinks.
"Oh, boss I can do that too", that can.

not be so difficult,
and they fall for it up there.

- Because everyone is always picking on me.
- Boss, boss, boss!

I just have a little pressure
with the working group - so Erika...

The farmer can paint his donkeys black and white.
paint and say he has a zebra.

But there neither the farmer
anything from it, nor the donkey, ultimately.

And I am here
the donkey driver, so to speak.

And that's why you have to
intervene at such a point.

Also for the benefit of the donkey.

Palim palim.

Mr. Stromberg, I have read up,
You have to give Ulf a warning.

And there I let
from you again here...

Because a certain respect
is also simply due to me.

Absolutely, absolutely.

Only with a warning from me
Ulf goes to the toilet and pft.

- But if I go to Becker...
- Oh, come on, Becker.

With something like that, you have to go to the top.

You have to go to the top with this!

Trouble is like a flower pot.

The higher it comes, the more it
it hurts the one, whom it falls on'n head.

This is now a tip
from boss to you.

You have to be tough on that.

Also with the others.

What, what others?

[Stromberg mumbles to himself.]


- The fat Erika, for example.
- What?

Yes for sure!
Or here, the mothbruck.

- The moth...?
- Constantly! "Ernie the asshole."

The what?

"Ernie the asshole."

That's four, five requests
for warnings.

- Six.
- From employees in your department.

Yes. They have all committed
very clear violations...

Why do you go with it
to the personnel manager immediately?

don't you come to me first?

Because Mr Stromberg said that...

Trouble, it's like with a flower pot.

Yes, in a figurative sense.

In your first week you want to
as a person in charge

give a warning to six employees? Do you know
what kind of impression that makes?

Yes, they will say to themselves
say, but this is someone who...

That is the declaration of bankruptcy
of your social skills.

Or like this.

Yes, I will never get you up there
as a group leader!

Well, we have to do the whole changeover....

Mr. Stromberg, you will now
for the time being.

- Yes good.
- And I...

Let's see how to
can be ironed out again, Mr. Heisterkamp.

[Stromberg] Ernie, come on!

If a dwarf buys high shoes,
then he still remains a dwarf.

And I think that is the most important thing.
That you accept what you are.

Ernie, the junk boxes,
you take them with you, too!


All this is only
postponed for a short time.

This is all just short term,
uh, uh, postponed [laughs].