Stromberg (2004–2012): Season 1, Episode 3 - Stromberg - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
The 1 please, without dessert.

So may I please, I am a doctor!
Meal time!

So, I'm going to stand next to the best
employee of my department,

No, Mr. Turculu?

- Well Tanja, everything clear?
- Yes.

I heard that with your friend
with your boyfriend, huh?

No progress at all here!

I think today
the nasty cook is back.

Oh he is good for diets, with
you think twice about him,

whether to go to dinner or not.

I also never dare
to say anything.

The last one who complained,
we had Tuesday as goulash.

Well, leadership
means, of course, also

with difficult employees
to be able to deal with them.

The employees ask themselves
quite rightly:

Does the boss have balls in his pants?

Does the boss have a dick or
just a soft noodle?

Isn't it so, Tanja?

[Theme music]

Oh and if it goes,
only a very small schnitzel!

They are all the same size.

- Could I get some more peas?
- All of them are.

Master, I don't know
whether you used to live in the East Zone

but with the Nazi tone

you will not get far here!

You again, last week you complained
You complained about my roulades last week?

I merely said
that in a roulade

traditionally belongs a pickle.
At least with us in the free West.

A pickle...

Now listen to me,
you petty sausage!

I don't talk into your job
and you don't talk into mine, yes?!

And if you have a problem with that
If you have a problem with that, we can

after work
in the parking lot.

Anything else?

Life is not a pony farm.
Even with an insurance company.

I am certainly more tolerant than
most people here in management positions

But even my barrel has limits.

And if it drips in there steadily,
then at some point the bottom is out.

That's obvious!

[Phone rings]


[Phone rings]

Yes, Heisterkamp. Hello?

Well, we'll see about that.
Little sausage... Canteen.

Yes... Uh...
Müller from the health department, um,

there are lately
some complaints towards us

About your canteen.
Specifically about your cook...

The other day even
a little mouse was seen!

I think so too, don't you?

Let's see,
because of "petty sausage"!

I had stress with the cook
in the canteen.

But boss, they see
your number in the display.

Well, your number is
in their display,

if you call from here...

Yes, of course!

I just want them to see
if I wanted that I could.

So, what is it?

I collect for
the widow of Hilpers.

- We wanted to give her--
- That is a good idea Erika.

Bad thing,
with her Hilpers.

Poor woman.
Like this.

That's all
you have boss!

Take it all!
That goes without saying...

Thank you, I will gladly take it.

In such things then shows itself,
who is petty and who is not.

So, so much for
"petty sausage" and...

Erika, wait
for a moment!

God knows I am not vindictive,
but I think it would be good,

if until further notice
the complete department

would boycott the canteen.

[she laughs]

But boss, wouldn't that be
a bit petty?

I don't know what this
have to do with petty, Erika?!

When the fat Hilpers dies
then everyone is there,

but if it goes against one
of us who is still alive,

then is vinegar or what?

If it is so important to you, then
not canteen today.

Like this! One for all, all for one!

Don't you know? The Musketeers?
One for all, all for one?

I am not interested
in soccer.

[Bert makes plopping sounds]

...yeah, because it's flipped on you....

[Bert continues plopping]

[he imitates a horse]

[switches back to plopping]

Yes, very funny...

Attention! Attention!
Nothing to see here!

These are not Ernie's sheds!

I repeat:
These are not Ernie's sheds!

Independent experts
have confirmed that...

It comes from the color
and size,

but it is only confetti.
Thank you very much for your attention.

Ulf, is this all here again now...?

This is prevention
of working time, something like that.

I'm a guy who sometimes gets into trouble,
like Che Guevara or James Bond.

I used to be class president
at school,

and even then I thought
order was important.

And if it was not kept,
then I reported it.

This has nothing to do with snitching.
The others have then me at the sport

in the basketball hoop.
But I didn't care about that.

Once not, I had so
with the stomach, kind of a through...

What is this?

- Rabbit on motorcycle!
- You weirdo!

You, maybe we could
go out for dinner or something.

So now not here canteen,
but somehow somewhere else...

At the big parking garage is
Italian restaurant, which is supposed to be quite OK.

Italian sounds good.
What is it?

Naked skydiver.


Very briefly, the department
is boycotting the canteen today!

because we were also thinking about it,

if we don't go to the Italian
at the parking garage.

That's how I like it!
One for all, all for one!

Let the Nazi cook
see where he remains!

Oh, I'll go with you.
When should it start?

- We leave at one o'clock, right Ulf?
- Yes, I'll pick you up there, Tanja.

So they should see in the canteen
see how they look?


Erika, you have this morning
for the widow of Hilpers...

That is a thought, which I
110% support.

I just... I need
cash by surprise.

Could you give me
100 euros back to me?

But you only gave me 80.

- One hundred and eighty.
- I'm relatively sure...

Yes, relatively. All of me.
Let's see.

There you see, here...

The two fifties are mine,
I recognize them by the...

But I only take one,
and the ten, yes...

Oh, are you collecting
for Mrs. Hilpers?

That means you are now donating
only twenty.

She doesn't want to understand me.

You have given 80 and
now taken 60 out again.

That's nonsense!

It is not permanent.

You know that with regard to
with regard to the planned merger

of the departments, we are taking a
particularly under the magnifying glass.

- And what does it mean?
- Nothing at all for you, Tanja.

Oh, and for me?

With such actions here you bring
on the hit list.


Yes, yes, it can not be
that you collect here privately.

And the mail is left behind. The mail
I always need immediately!

This is not against
the action as such,

but only against the procedure.

See you.


[the sound of a computer game]
1800 points!

- Quick, up now...
- Oh shit!

Well, what are you two up to?

Oh that's just, um... never mind,
what's up?

The Hilpers from the administration
has died--

- What do you mean, Röchel-Hilpers?
- Yes terrible,

he had asthma, or something like that.

Yes, his wife also works here,
and we wanted to collect for her.

This is bad now,
I'm saving up for new rims--

Can you talk a little
a little quieter,

I am trying to work here
to work here!

where is Ernie?

- Who?
- Some little guy with a shed...

Oh, the one with the funny tie?

Nah, that's not a tie,
that's his tongue,

which is hanging out of his throat.

Ah, then the tongue clashes
but in color with his shirt!

The other day, too,
especially the color bites

with the welding rings under the...

And the bald head coming in the back,
that's coming! You know...

- Yes, that's right.
- He's losing more and more hair.

That's an awkward swirl,
that's not baldness.

And that's not an awkward vertebra,
I think, that...

[Piano music]

What will it be when it's done?

Here mobbing!

Is a big topic in there. In two
departments are therefore

people have already been kicked out!

- And I've had enough now too!
- Mobbing? You're crazy!

There! That's bullying! And such
Remarks about my tie and so.

- What's going on here?
- Ulf bullied me!

Nonsense, I just said
that he has a fancy tie on.

That is not bullying,
that's lying!

So, you also come to the list!

So everything is forbidden from now on.

- What's up Ernie?
- [Ulf] Bert, his name is Bert.

Berthold, yes! Like my grandpa,
my grandpa was killed in the war.

It's just a question of respect.

- What's under "jokes about figure"?
- It's called "hairstyle"!

Then write
"Jokes about handwriting" under it.

But I would also write
on it, because in your place

I would really think about
about some ass implants!

[all laugh]

[phone rings]

You are at the top of my...

[the water thing bubbles]

Yes. Yes, one hundred percent.
That's what I said.

When things go badly, the farmer
the manure in his own pants...

[cell phone rings]
What's that, then?

These modern cell phones,
you always never know...

Who? Ah...

How am I supposed to know
where the cellar key...

Yes, I'll take care of it,
when I get home.

This is quite bad now. Yes.
See you later...bye.

My wife.
Greetings, Mrs. Berkel.

Mr. Stromberg, did you meet
the canteen opposite

posing as a health department?

Did I what?
Who says something like that?

I just said that you can
can eat from the floor in the canteen.

And maybe we even do that
and don't even realize it. Kidding.

There everything is picobello, even the rats wear
rats wear hairnets...

Mr. Stromberg, you know that we

at the moment already have trouble because of
the bullying allegations in other

- Departments.
- Bullying is now nonsense Ms. Berkel.

I just wanted to mention it.


Yes, I just have to...
Where is the rascal?

Had hidden,
the naked file.

Yes... Yes, d'accordion
as the Frenchman says.

Yes, no problemo. Okäse...

Greetings to the wife...
Okay... bye....

Oh, lovely.

Bert, I have a question.
Goes very fast.

[Ulf speaks the puppet]
"What's up Ulf?"

Hey, I found a soft cookie the other day.
do you know where it is?

"Oh, I think I hid it
hiding it in Ernie's head".

You mean Ernie has now
'a soft cookie in his head now?

"Mmm, Ernie always says such things
like okäse and tschüssi"

So, I make now times
a black list!

What are we going to do
with Ernie?

Ulf, and you
are on top!

Look, the Ernieee!

[they laugh amusedly]

[music from the box]

[she rustles the package]

And Ulf knows
that we are already here?

Yes. So, let's see,
what they have here nice.

Because I had told him
that we wanted to go only at one.

- What?
- Ulf.

Yes, yes... No problem... Here...
Carpaccio, gnochi... yummy.

If there is anything you don't understand,
just ask.

- Buongiorno.
- Good day.

- Anything to drink yet?
- Due Aqua Minerale without gas,

and Vino blanco por favore, due...

- Glasses...
- Two waters,

- Two white wine.
- Thank you.

Italians are much more relaxed,
there could be many a German

could take a leaf out of their book.

- There is Mr. Turculu!
- Hm.

Turk goes to the Italian.
Not bad either!


[Restaurant sounds,
Eros Ramazotti in background]


I can't take it anymore.

Stromberg with his canteen boycott.

I could eat half a pig
on toast.

- I don't know what this is about either.
- It's dusting here...

Do you know what he eats here,
that is really the hammer!

Watch this...

"Protein preparation for building.
of muscle mass.

Strong muscles after only six.
weeks of training"

What are you doing?

Soon your name will no longer be
Berthold but Arnold, eh?

Give me that back.

Let me see, how long have you been
this stuff for?

Give it now!
I say this now for the last time!

But this must be
be the first day, isn't it?

Give me that back.

See Ernie Heisterkamp
As "Loserman."

His steel magic scales
have superpowers...

Now everything here is now...
You guys are real...

Man Ernie, I'm really sorry,
I didn't mean to.

[in a tearful voice]
I'm going to Stromberg now.

He's not there anyway,
he's having dinner with Tanja.

- Come.
- [Ulf] What?

Already half an hour ago.

To the Italian place at the parking garage or something.

It can't be. We were
at one...

Yes of course the tone here is sometimes rough.

But now also no different than.
in the pub or the relationship.

There you don't run right away
and shout "Mobbing, Mobbing!".

Ernie, he is just crazy!
That is yet...

Yes, closing time.

I don't understand
that Ulf does not come.

The beaners are a dream.

You must try them,
they are super tasty!

Very good, another
Canteen boycotter!

One for all, all for one!

You must act against
this bullying!


- I'm going to sit down.
- What's the matter, Ernie?

Bert, please. I've made
made a black list,

where all are on it, the
Bullying have participated.

- Good day, the card?
- What? Uh... No,

I brought myself something, thank you.

Just a still water,
without lemon.

You cannot bring
eat any food you bring with you.

This is a public restaurant

and there I do not want to be told
what I can eat or not!


Ernie, now calm down
first of all!

I have to ask you to leave.

I can put you
on the list.

Now really--

- [Waiter] I'm sorry--
- Then you'll have to throw us all out.

One for all, and all for all.

- Wait a minute--
- If that's the case,

Then I'm just going to have to ask you all--.

This is nonsense!

- We can just--
- I'll bring you the bill.

Maybe it really is best
if we leave now.

We're done anyway.

Bagare por favore!

Let it happen!

I'm hungry.

[The shredder hums]

Hey, there you are!

You should have seen that
at the Italian restaurant!

Stromberg was the hammer, really!

I was thinking all the time
on your rabbit on the motorcycle--

For men there should actually be
there should be something like this

Like these pregnancy tests.
from the pharmacies. Some kind of idiot test.

You just let the man
pee on the strip,

and if he discolors,
then he's an idiot.

That would be really good, I could save myself
save myself a lot of trouble.

You have to revise that again...

Ah, Mr. Stromberg!

Have you instructed your department
to boycott the canteen?

That is nonsense.

At the moment the working atmosphere is
is particularly important.

I had the bullying case in
the Turculu department I think

already mentioned.

There the works council
made considerable fuss.

Yes, of course, the colleague
also from a rather

dictatorial history.

With all the sultans, pashas,

muezzin, and what there was
everything there was. Against the background...

Mr. Stromberg. I just wanted to
from the canteen boycott

- nothing at all.
- Ah.

There was none.
Anything else?

I go to the works council
because of the mobbing.

That is nonsense now.

Mobbing! That's what we do here
differently. Come with me, Ernie...

- I'll call you back.
- Come with me sometime, Ernie...

Hello, about the bullying from Ernie!

Of course, you can't do that.
I hope that has become clear.

Okay? Thank you.

Look Ernie, it's funny!
Ernie from Sesame Street?

Ernie and Ernie.

Oh, I see, I was going to the office....

Leadership skills? I would
First and foremost say flexibility.

As a boss, you have to be like a chameleon.
Actually, you have to be better

than a chameleon.

not only change your skin color
but to change

into a completely new animal.

Chameleon, bang!
Tiger, bang!

Dachshund, zack!

So, listen up everyone! Hello!

- I am Sabine--
- This is Sabine...

Yes, I'll do it.

Sabine Buhrer from the works council, the
Mr. Heisterkamp informed me,

- that--
- So, you don't.

So Tanja, she didn't do anything.

We get along well, don't we?
Right Tanja?

Yes, yes. What is it
now actually?

I have told everyone often enough
and now it's all over.

Maybe you go
outside for a moment?

Yes, we go outside for a moment
outside, come Tanja.

It's about bullying allegations.

Oh, Ernie is crazy,
everyone knows that here.

The works council takes the issue
in any case seriously.

Quietly tough. Hard-hitting!

It's okay...

Of course, I said health department.

But it clearly says
on the display,

That the call is coming from the house.

- That was a joke!
- It's not about any fun.

You said that there are
there are mice in my canteen.

He called me
petty sausage!

Did you say that
there are mice in my canteen,

yes or no!?

As far as I know, this is still
still the canteen of the company, Mr....

- Möllers.
- Mr. Stromberg...

Mrs. Berkel, a commercial
Roulade with or without pickles?

I am a vegetarian, I cannot
tell you that.

Well, then you can't know.
With pickles!

- Asshole!
- Please?

Mr. Möllers! Now wait...

"Yes where has Ernie
left his cookie?"

Yes, the cookie, he has it in his head!

"Yes, then we must.
the Ernie here probably times.

kick him in the ass a little bit!"

but that's how it goes all the time.

I made a list.

Here... wait,
where do I have it now?

Wait a minute...

He has now also retold it like shit
recounted. Was much funnier.

Where do I have it now? Here, like this.

But in the long run
this psycho cook is not bearable.

I would say. There is socially
but a lot is wrong.

Mr. Stromberg, a courier has just
a delivery for you!

Erika. You can see
that I am in the middle of an important--

That's just because you said
the mail always immediately--

- Yes, then get it done, and--.
- Take it quietly, it's okay.

- Yes?
- Yes.

Of course, this must be
be paid, ne?

Otherwise the courier will take
again, which you have ordered.

I don't pay anything here.

I... don't know... I um...

[one hears in the box
the mice rustling]

So, now Ulf can have a look.

He will have a good look around,
when Sabine is finished with him.

She will read him
read him the riot act!

She does not seem to take it so seriously
with your bullying...

Hmm, looks quite like that, yes.

What's going on back there?

Ulf makes the woman
from the works council.

Tanja, the cook will serve you
serve you more friendly from now on.

I have
personally for you,

of course also out of sympathy
out of sympathy for you,

the tubercle was
downright angry, but--

And this is the thanks now, or what?!

Ha! This is the Ulf, yes?
The Ulf, and now...

And look, what I do now
do with Ulf, yes!

I'll do that.
That... I'll do!

That's what I mean. That.

[Bert again bangs firmly
on the table]

[Title melody]

[Telephone rings]


Did you just call me
with the cell phone?