Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (1993–1999): Season 6, Episode 20 - His Way - full transcript

Odo is schooled in the ways of romance by a holographic programmed lounge singer. find yourself somebody

Get yourself somebody

You're nobody
till somebody loves you

You're nobody
till somebody cares

Now you may be king

You may possess

The world and its gold

Gold won't bring you happiness

When you're growing old

Now the world is still the same

You'll never change it

As sure as the stars shine above

You're nobody

Till somebody loves you

So find yourself somebody

Get yourself somebody

Find yourself somebody

Somebody to love.

Thank you.

Hey, it's been 400 years

but that little number
still works for me.

Isn't he terrific?

I prefer Klingon opera.

Come on, I'll introduce you.

To a hologram?

Uh, Doctor, is this
really necessary?

Trust me.
He's no ordinary hologram.


You're terrific.


Thanks, Doc.


Very nice.

I know what you're thinking-

he has pretty sweet pipes
for a light bulb.

Light bulb?

That's what I am, right?

A collection of photons

and force fields-
you know, your basic heuristic

fully interactive hologram.

He knows he's a hologram?

Felix designed him that way.

Thought it would give him
the right attitude for the era.

If you're going to work Vegas
in the '60s

you better know the score

otherwise, you're
going to look like a Clyde.

A Clyde?

A Harvey, you know.


A square.

You know what a square is,

It's one side of a cube.

Well, I guess
that answers my question.

Where are your manners, Julian?

Aren't you going to introduce me
to your entourage?

I am so sorry.

Commanders Dax and Worf.

This is Vic Fontaine.

How long you kids been married?

How did you know
we were married?

When you sing
in as many joints as I have

you become a student
of the human heart.

Don't beat yourself up, pally.

Just because you miss
your wife doesn't mean

you've gone blind.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means there are a lot

of very attractive ladies
in the room

and it's all right
to look at them

as long as you don't touch.

He's good.

And as for you two...


Never mind.
Forget I brought it up.

You have time for another song?

Oh, no, no.
We've got to split, Vic.

Well, you know where to find me.

By the way,
this is a high-class joint.

That means coat and ties
for the gents

dresses for the ladies.

You guys look
like a trapeze act.

Catch you later, baby.

Come on, Julian-

you told him about Keiko.

I didn't say a word.

So, why don't we all meet here
tomorrow night at 2100?

We can listen to Vic's whole set

then maybe hit the casinos

play a little blackjack,

We'll be there.

I still prefer Klingon operas.

Well, count me out.

I'm leaving for Bajor
in the morning.

Oh, that's right.
I forgot.

Say hi to Shakaar for me.


I forgot.

Pretend you didn't hear that.

She doesn't want anyone to know

that she's visiting
the First Minister.

Business or pleasure?

Ah, you see what you started?

I said I was sorry.


what do you think?

About what?

About Vic.
Clever, isn't he?

Too clever.

I tell you,
I owe the man, Miles.

If it wasn't for him

I wouldn't be dating
Ensign Walker.

What are you talking about?

She turned down
three dinner invitations.

I talked to Vic

he gave me a few pointers
and, uh, voila.

Julian, are you telling me

that you discussed
your love life

with a hologram?

He's not an ordinary
hologram, Miles.

He knows about love,
life, women.

Three things you know
nothing about.

Now that's a little unfair.

Well, then why are
you asking advice

from a light bulb?

I don't know
why you're so surprised.

What did you expect
was going to happen?

I wasn't expecting anything.

I see.

How long has it been

since Shakaar and Major Kira
broke up?

I don't know.
About a year.

It's been over a year.

You've had plenty of time

to arrange a... a merger

with Kira,
but in all that time, have you

even tried to open negotiations?

It's not that simple.

Odo, the woman waited a year
for you to make an offer-

any kind of offer.

Face it. You've had
plenty of opportunities

and you've let them
all slip away.

Who asked for your opinion?

You did.

I came here to talk
about a missing shipment

of groat clusters.

You're the one who started
talking about the Major.

You want my advice?


Make it easy on both of us.

Forget all about her.

Is that the best you can do?

I'd like to see someone
do better.

So would I.

You're not exactly

the most lovable person
in the galaxy.

You're not even

the most lovable person
in this sector

or on the station...

or even in this room.

You are cold... rigid, remote.

Can I leave now?

Please do.


Odo... make up your mind.

I need a favor from you.

It's about... Dr. Bashir's
new holosuite program.

You're up late, Doctor.

Yeah. Can't sleep.

Feeling a bit tense, actually.

I've got just the thing.

One warp core breach...
coming right up.

A few sips of this...

and you'll be relaxed
for the next three days.

I'm not that tense, Quark.

Look, I think I'll just go up

to the holosuite for a bit
and, uh-


Yes. If you could hand me
my new program-

Uh, sorry, Doctor,
all the holosuites are in use.

At this hour?

It's been that kind of a night.

I'm afraid there won't
be one available

for the rest of the evening.

Oh, that's unfortunate.

Maybe I'll go
and wake up Miles...

play a little tongo.

I remember back in...

must have been '58,
I was playing the Sands.

One night, Frank and Dean
dropped by.

We ended up taking over
one of the blackjack tables.

Between the three of us
we must've dropped 15 big ones

and believe me, back then,
that wasn't chump change.

So Frank goes over
to the pit boss-

what was his name? Uh-

Look, Mr. Fontaine...


Vic... these stories
are all very interesting

but I didn't come here
to reminisce about your past.

Yesterday, when my friends
and I were here...

you seemed to know things.

I've been around the block
a couple times.

No, you seemed to know
specific things.

For instance,
Dax and Worf are married...

the Chief misses his wife.

You don't have to be
an Einstein

to clue into any of that.

At one point, you were
going to make an observation

Major Kira and myself.

I thought about it

but I didn't want
to embarrass anyone, you know

give away any secrets.

Exactly what secrets
are you talking about?

Come on- do I really have
to connect the dots?

You're crazy about the broad

but you're afraid to do anything
about it.

And she... well, you know.

No. Go on.

It's the oldest story
in the book.

She thinks of you as a friend.

I wouldn't call that a secret.

But women have been known
to change their minds.

You just have
to give them a reason.

You make it sound so easy.

That's because
it's not that hard.

The girl already likes you.

That means you're halfway home.

Well... she's aware
of my feelings toward her

but the truth is,
she prefers Shakaar.


The First Minister of Bajor.

He's a leader, a hero,
a man with great charisma.

I don't care if he's JFK.

It's not the other guy
you have to worry about.

It's you.


That's right.

I mean, for starters,
you've got to lose

this whole Nanook
of the North thing.

I... I-I don't understand.

Well, I mean, you've got

about as much personality
as an icicle.

Cool is one thing,
but you're frozen solid.

You think I have no emotions.

Oh, believe me, I do.

I just don't always show them.

And therein lies the problem.

Come with me.

Where to?

Look, pally, if you
want to win the girl

we got to thaw you
out a little bit.

You know, turn up the heat...

get those emotions
you claim to have

bubbling to the surface.

It's time to have some fun.

What does fun
have to do with Major Kira?

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

let's lose those threads.

I mean, there's nothing

like a tuxedo to make you feel
like... a million bucks.

You mean...
something like this?

Very sharp.

After you.

Oh, uh... I don't sing.

Glad to hear it.

I don't need the competition.

What I do need is someone
to handle the black and whites.

My piano player just threw

ten sevens in a row
at the craps table

and took off for Reno.

So have a seat, my friend.

Crowd's getting restless.

What crowd?

That one.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Vic Fontaine.

And tonight
is going to be a gas.

Hit it, Nanook.

No. I-I don't play the piano.

You want to bet?

Stay with me, pally.

Well, you don't need me.

The piano's doing all the work.

That's not the point.
You've got to sell it.

Style, baby, style.
Make 'em believe.


Come fly with me

Come fly, let's fly away

If you can use some exotic booze

There's a bar in far Bombay

Come fly with me

Come fly, let's fly away

Come fly with me

Let's take off to Peru

In llama land,
there's a one-man band

And he'll toot his flute for you

Come fly with me

Let's take off in the blue

If I get you up there

Where the air is rarefied

We'll just glide

Starry eyed

Once I get you up there

I'll be holding you so near

You may hear

Angels cheer
'cause we're together


It's such a lovely day

You just say the words

And we'll beat the birds

Down to Acapulco Bay

It's perfect
for a flying honeymoon

They say

Come fly with me

Let's fly, let's fly away

Once I get you up there

Where the air is rarefied

We'll just glide

Starry eyed

Once I get you up there

I'll be holding you so near

You may hear

Angels cheer
'cause we're together


It's such a lovely day

Just say the words

And we'll beat the birds

Down to Acapulco Bay

It's perfect
for a flying honeymoon

They say

Come fly with me

Let's fly, let's fly away

Come fly with me

Pack up, let's fly away.


No, it's... it's nothing.


Bottoms up.

Oh, I don't drink.

Why am I not surprised?

It's not real booze.

You're in a holosuite, remember?


So, how'd you like
being in the spotlight?

Very bright.

That's all you got to say?

Well, the lights kept me
from seeing the audience.

I suppose that's why
I wasn't nervous.

Nothing to be nervous about.

You were too busy having fun.

Well, I suppose I was.

I'm just grateful none
of my friends saw me.

There you go-
tensing up again.

Look at you.

I mean, you're standing there
like a statue.

I mean, the only things

you're going to attract
are pigeons.

Sit down.


Take a couple of deep breaths.

You do that

and everything you want
will come to you.

That's all it takes?

Try it.

Go on.


Are you expecting someone?

Let's find out.


Well, for crying out
loud, what are you

two lovely ladies doing here?

You invited us, remember?

Oh, that's right.
Come on in.

Odo, we've got company.

Look, it's the piano player.

We saw you perform tonight.

Melissa thinks you're adorable.

Would you mind if I
looked at your hands?

Show her your hands.

I knew it.
They're so artistic.

You know, I once played
on the same bill

with Liberace.

He has the sweetest dimples.

Are you classically trained?

No, actually, uh-

Vic taught me everything I know.

Is he a good student?

Head of his class.

Maybe I can help you
get your diploma.

All right, ladies,
the night is young

and I have a table waiting
for us at the Dunes.

We're going to see Shecky.


Shecky who?

Oh, you didn't tell me
he had a sense of humor.

He plays the piano

and he's funny.

Kind of like Victor Borge.


I think I'm in love.

After you, ladies.

Uh, I-I don't think-

What are you worried about?

Melissa's a very nice girl.

Oh, no, I'm sure she is.

It's just... she's not Kira.

Tell me something.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

I have no idea.

Practice, practice, practice.

Get it?


Think of this evening
as a trial run.

Trust me.
You're going to do great.

All right.

Captain, here's the report

on that smuggling ring
you requested.

Should I forward the information
to the Zevian authorities?

I'll let you know in a minute.

No, no, they

Can't take that away from me

The way your smile just beams...

Yes, Captain?

Oh, don't stop on my account.

Stop what?

You were singing.

I was singing?

No, no

They can't take that
away from me.

You're right.

I was singing.

They can't

Take that

Away from me

We may never

-Never meet again
-Never meet again

On the

-Bumpy road
-Bumpy road

-To love.
-To love.





I wonder...

should you ask Kira
about Shakaar or should I?

Why don't you do the honors?

But you'll have to wait.

She's staying on Bajor
for two more days.

She and Shakaar must
be having a good time.

That'd be my guess.

Poor Odo.

Odo? What's he got to do
with it?

Not a thing.

That's the problem.

Have fun.

Thank you, thank you
for that kind applause.

Keep clapping.

There's a fly buzzing the room

and one of you
is bound to nail him.

Why the long face, buddy boy?

You still haven't told me

what I'm supposed to do
about Kira and Shakaar.

Forget about that fink.

I'll bet he doesn't look

half as good in a tux as you do.

What difference does that make?

You've been coming here
every night for a week.

Have I steered you wrong?


Then you trust your Uncle Vic.

Ladies and gentlemen

we have a very special surprise
for you tonight.

If this babe doesn't raise
your temperature

you better check
the obituary column

because chances are
you're in it, pally.

Let's have a nice, warm

round of applause
for Miss Lola Chrystal.

Never know
how much I love you

Never know how much I care

When you put your arms
around me

I get a feeling
that's so hard to bear

You give me fever...

Remind you of anyone?

When you kiss me

Fever when you hold me tight


In the morning

Fever all through the night


Got the fever

That is something

You all know

Fever isn't such a new thing

Fever started long, long ago

Sun lights up the daytime

Moon lights up the night

I light up
when you call my name

'Cause you know
I'm gonna treat you right

You give me fever

When you kiss me

Fever, if you live,
you learn


Till you sizzle

What a lovely way to burn

What a lovely way to burn.

Don't look now,
but I think she likes you.

A toast.

As Georgie Jessel once said

"To whatever makes you happy. "

My thoughts exactly.

I'm going to turn in.

You two lovebirds
can live without me, I trust?

Oh, we'll manage.

You have a beautiful voice.

And you...

have beautiful hands.

So I've been told.

They feel good, too.

So do you.

I've been waiting
to hold you like this

for as long as I can remember.

We just met tonight.

I must have a short memory.

You're funny.

Kind of like Victor Borge?

How'd you know?

Ah, I... I can't.

I can't do this.

Why not?

I'm sorry.

It has nothing to do with you.

Vic? Vic?!

What's wrong?

This isn't working.

I thought you two were
getting along just fine.

Of course, we are.

You programmed her
to find me irresistible.

I could read her
a criminal activities report.

She'd think it was poetry.

Do you want me
to reprogram her-

make her play hard to get?

No. She's nothing like Kira.

Who's Kira?

Of course, she's not Kira.

She's a hologram.

A what?

Sweetheart, please,
stay out of this.

Do you know how difficult
it was for me

to get a holographic image
of Major Kira?

Lucky for you,
Julian used her image

in one of his spy programs-

though it did take me an hour

to get rid
of the Russian accent.

Look, I appreciate
what you've done for me

but I'm afraid
it's all been in vain.

I may be Romeo in the holosuite

but I know the first time
I see the real Kira

I'll turn back into
Nanook of the North.

At least you're starting
to talk the talk.

No, I was hoping
for a bit more than that.

Wait. Wait a minute.

You can't give up now.

I'm sorry, but I am tired

of discussing my feelings
with a hologram.

You're a hologram, too?




Anything interesting
happen while I was gone?


No, no. Nothing at all.

As a matter of fact, it's...

been rather dull.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I, uh...

I'd better get back to work.

Hey, doll face.

You asleep?

How the hell
did you get in here?

I'm performing next door
for Dax and Worf.

I'm between sets,
so I transferred my matrix

from that holosuite to this one.

Now, I don't have much time.

What do you want?

We have to talk.

About what?

Odo. What else?


Come on, Major, don't be coy.

We both know
he's nuts about you.

He told you that.

He tells me everything.

We've been spending
a lot of time together.

Odo... spending time
in a holosuite?

And loving it.

Uh, I'm sorry.

That's just not the Odo
that I know.

Which tells you what?

You don't know him
as well as you think you do.

He's not the same
stick-in-the-mud anymore.

That cat can swing.

Are we talking
about the same Odo?

The one and only.

But let me tell you

the only chick
he wants to swing with is you.

I take it that's a good thing.

It's love, baby.

Nothing better than that.

How did you get in here again?

Don't try to change the subject.

We're talking about you and Odo.

No, that's what you're
talking about.

I'm trying to meditate.

And I don't mean to interrupt.

Good, then leave.

Talk about your cranky aliens.

You two really are
made for each other.

Which is why you've got to come
to the holosuite tonight.

What for?

So you and Odo
can have dinner together.

If Odo wants
to have dinner with me

then why doesn't
he ask me himself?

Because I'm asking you for him

and neither one of us
will take no for an answer.

Well then I... better say yes.


Odo? Can you hear me?


What are you doing
on the com line?

I need to talk to you.

I want you to come
to the holosuite tonight.


I've done a complete overhaul
on the Lola hologram-

or should I say
the Kira hologram?

I'm telling you, Odo

you're going to think
she's the real thing.

She walks like Kira;
she talks like Kira.


How did you manage
to accomplish that?

I don't have time
to explain now.

I'll see you tonight, 9:00-

That's 2100 to you.

I know.

I'll see you then, pally.

I believe
you two know each other.

You look lovely.

Thank you.

So do you.


I'll be your server
this evening.

I'll try not to spill anything.

To begin, a little
Dom Perignon, '55

and some Oysters Rockefeller...

to be followed by Caesar salad

and cherries jubilee.

This is all very interesting,
but, uh...

don't you feel a little silly
being here in a holosuite?

A bit.

Let me know when you're ready
for the salad.

Bon appetit.

It's French.

An Earth language.

It means "enjoy your meal. "

I didn't know you spoke French.

I don't.

It's something
I learned from Vic.

French is, uh...

the language of love.

Vic's a fountain of information.

He's certainly a man
of many talents.


we're really not here
to talk about Vic, are we?

I'm certainly not.


I always wondered
what this would be like.

The two of us having
dinner together?

It's certainly not the way
I pictured it would be.

It is a bit unusual.

Is something wrong?

You haven't touched your food.

No, it-it looks delicious.

I-I'm not hungry.

Truth is I'm a little nervous.

You? Nervous?

A bit.

It is our first date, right?


Well, there's nothing wrong
with being a little nervous

as long as
it doesn't get in the way.

Of what?

Of enjoying yourself.

I thought the only thing
you enjoy is your work.

How'd you know that?

You told me yourself.

Well done, Vic.


Never mind.

I do...

enjoy my work.

But I'm afraid
I've used it as an excuse

to avoid the rest of my life.

I know the feeling.

I've got you

Under my skin

I've got you

Deep in the heart of me

So deep in my heart

You're really a part of me

I've got you

Under my skin...

It's a pretty song.

It is, isn't it?

You're sure you're not hungry?

I'm sure.

What do we do now?

Only one thing we can do.

Dance with me.

I-I'm not sure
I know how to dance

to this kind of music.

Just... stay close.

You never can...

Oh, sorry.

No, that's good.

Use your mentality

Wake up to reality...


And each time I do

Just the thought of you
makes me stop

Before I begin

'Cause I've got you...

I had no idea you could dance.

It's amazing what you can learn
in a holosuite.

I can't believe
we're having our first date

in a holosuite.

'Cause I've got you

Under my skin.

I understand
that you wouldn't be

comfortable at Quark's,
but I know one or two

restaurants on the station.

Well, I don't think
that's possible.

You embarrassed
of being seen with me?


I meant...

it would be difficult

for you to leave the holosuite.


Well, it's complicated.

Complicated to leave
a holosuite?

You make it sound
like I'm a hologram.

Aren't you?

Is that what you think?

Maybe you'd better tell her.

There's nothing to tell.

I'm good, pally,
but I'm not that good.

You been dancing
with the real McCoy.

You tricked me!

And me.

Hey, I brought
you two lovebirds together.

That was whole the idea,
wasn't it?




Don't say it.

Computer, end program.

Odo? Are you there?

I have nothing to say to you.

Look, I know you think
I sold you down the river.

You lied to me!

It was for your own good.

It was time for you to stop
playing around with holograms

and start playing around
with the real thing.

You should have told me
it was really Kira.

Would you have shown up
if I had?

I don't hear an answer, pally.

If you think about it, there's
not much to be mad about.

I saw the way she looked at you

while the two of you
were dancing.

The lady digs you big time.

She "digs" Shakaar.

I can only imagine
what she thinks of me.

I kept insisting
she was a hologram.

Odo, listen to me.

No! I'm done listening to you!

Computer, end transmission.

Are you going to tell
me what's wrong?

Oh, there's nothing wrong.

Have you ever had a moment
of pure clarity-

a moment where the truth
seems to just leap up

and grab you by the throat?

I bet this has something to do
with your visit with Shakaar.

Oh, this has nothing
to do with Shakaar.

Now, tell me, have you ever
had a moment like that?

One or two, but, of course

that's over a span
of seven lifetimes.

Only two moments of clarity
in seven lifetimes?

Nerys, total clarity
is a very rare thing.

I guess so.

And when it comes to you

it's important
that you act on it

because... believe me

confusion and doubt
will take over

before you know it.

You're absolutely right.

Makes perfect sense.

Don't tell me
you're having another

"moment of clarity. "

That's two in two days.

That's amazing.

Odo, wait.

Major, if you don't mind

I'd like to forget
all about last night.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

We need to talk
about what happened.

Very well, then we can meet
in my office in an hour.

No, let's discuss it
over dinner.


Yeah, you can choose
the restaurant.

Anywhere but a holosuite.

What about Shakaar?

Do you think he'll approve?

Look, I don't care
whether he approves or not.

Shakaar and I are friends.

That's all- friends.

The First Minister
asked me to update him

on the war with the Dominion.

My visit was strictly business.

Now, are we going to have
dinner together or not?

And if we do, then what?

I don't know, maybe we
could go dancing.

And after that, I suppose
you'll expect me to kiss you.

Well, it's possible.

Well then, who needs dinner?

Why don't I just
get it over with

and kiss you right now?

Well, why don't you?

You're right.

Who needs dinner?

'Cause I've got you

Under my skin

'Cause I've got you

Under my skin.

Here in Vegas,
there's only one way

to make sure
you don't lose any money.

The moment
you step off the plane

you walk
right into the propellers.

See you
in a few minutes, folks.

Hey, long time no see.

Well, I've been busy.

So I hear.

Julian tells me you and
the Major are quite an item.

Well, for the moment.

Who knows how long it'll last.

That's my Odo-

always ready
to turn victory into defeat.

I... wanted to thank you
for all your help.

Anytime, pally.


Hey, you feel like
sitting in on a number?

Uh... some other time.

Well, say hi
to the Major for me.

Hey, do me a favor.

Leave the program running

for a few minutes
after you leave.

I feel like singing.

Whatever makes you happy.

Come fly with me

Come fly, let's fly away

If you can use
some exotic booze

There's a bar in far Bombay

It's perfect
for a flying honeymoon

They say

Come fly with me

Come fly, let's fly away

Come fly with me

Pack up, let's fly away.