Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (1993–1999): Season 5, Episode 3 - Looking for par'Mach in All the Wrong Places - full transcript

Smitten by Quark's Klingon ex-wife but forbidden to court her, Worf reluctantly assists Quark in winning back her favor, unaware that he has an admirer of his own. Meanwhile, Major Kira grows uncomfortably close to Chief O'Brien in her role as surrogate mother to his unborn child.


Oh, hello, Quark.


Let me guess...

on the battling O'Briens.

Don't be ridiculous.

Such language.

Oh, I hope Molly's not around.

You can hear what they're
saying in there?

How could I not?

Well, what are they saying?

Let's use a little discretion,
shall we?

He's done something.

She's outraged.

He thinks she's overreacting.

She thinks he's trying
to run her life.

Pretty boring, actually...

but to hear them

you'd think it was a matter
of life and death.

Hello, Julian.



Mrs. O'Brien.

I thought you said the O'Briens
were arguing in there.

Not Miles and Keiko...

the other O'Briens,
Miles and Kira.

What do they have
to argue about?

Miles hid Kira's
springball racket

because she's carrying his baby

and he doesn't want her
taking any risks

and she doesn't want him
controlling her...


Keiko made them stop.

Now they're in the "let's talk
this out and share our feelings"

part of the fight.

Show's over.

Oh, well.
I mean, good.

It is the power of his voice

the strength of his intonation

that make Barak-Kadan
a great singer.

There are none like him.

None as boring anyway.

He never varies his performance

not even by a half-tone.

I prefer traditional
opera performed

in the traditional manner.

You know, for a Klingon
who was raised by humans

wears a Starfleet uniform

and drinks prune juice

you're pretty attached
to tradition.

But that's okay.

I like a man riddled
with contradictions.

That's a welcome sight.

The peace talks
must be going well

if the Klingons are
back on the station.


Did you see her?

The Klingon woman?

She was glorious.


She's okay.

I have never seen such a woman.

Who is she?
What House is she from?

I do not recognize
her family crest.

She is a friend of the Ferengi.

Now I remember who she is.

Her name is Grilka.

And she's not just
Quark's friend...

she's his ex-wife.

Maporian ale

with just a hint
of pazafer as I recall.

You remember.
I'm honored.

How could I forget?

You're the only Klingon I know

who drinks something
besides bloodwine...

or prune juice.

Prune juice?

Forget it.

To the House of Grilka.

May it continue to be
as strong and as proud

as its lady is beautiful.

You may not have been
the ideal husband

but you are
an excellent bartender.

I know of no greater compliment.


what brings you
to my humble establishment?

Business or pleasure?

The recent hostilities between
the Federation and the Empire

have been very costly
to my family.

We have suffered great losses
in ships, lands, warriors.

War... what is it good for?

If you ask me,
absolutely nothing.

The financial cost
was significant.

I have an idea.

Why don't I take a look
at your financial records?

I know that's not
why you're here.

I'm sure it's simply
a social visit

but maybe I could help.

Very well.

If it pleases you, I will
allow you access to the records.

Thank you.

Hear this, Ferengi.

Help Grilka and you live.


and I will kill you myself.

And even though
it was an accident

Quark took credit
for killing Grilka's husband.


As a way of boosting
business at the bar.

And it worked.

But then Grilka kidnapped Quark

and took him back
to the Klingon Homeworld

and married him.


I'm getting to that.

As a woman, Grilka was forbidden
to lead her House.

By marrying Quark, she could
retain control through him.

Eventually, she convinced
the Council to give her control

and she divorced Quark
on the spot.

As far as I know

that's the last time
they saw each other.

A marriage of convenience.

Certainly for Grilka,
but I'm not sure

how convenient it was for Quark.

His opinion is
of no consequence.

He is unworthy
of such a prize as she.

Worf, it sounds like you have
a bad case of par'Mach.

Is that contagious?

Par'Mach is the
Klingon word for love

but with more
aggressive overtones.



Stranger things have happened.

Especially around here.

This should alleviate
Kira's sneezing.


Bajoran women
have been sneezing

their way through pregnancy
for over 100,000 years.

You can't expect me
to cure it overnight.

You know, I heard a rumor
that the Jerries might be trying

to cross the Channel
this evening.

Maybe we should have a surprise
waiting for them.

Serves you right.

I can't go
to the holosuite tonight.

Kira and I have some things
to work out.

Still fighting, eh?

Who says we're fighting?

Well, word gets around.

It's a small station.

It's a huge station.

Obviously not huge enough.

Well, for your information,
we are not fighting.

Glad to hear it.

Bajoran takeo herbs
for Kira's swollen ankles.

She'll need to dissolve them

in some kind of fruit juice
before ingesting them.

I hope they taste better

than those makora
herbs you gave her.

Are you sampling
all her medications?

Kira didn't like the taste.

Oh, by the way, I almost forgot.

She, uh...

she has a... a rash
on the back of her thighs.

Do you have a salve
or something?

How long has she had it?

Well, I noticed it yesterday

when I was helping her out
of the bathtub

so she's had it at least a day.

Helping her out of the tub?

She's living in my house.

She's having my baby.

So, uh, did you look?


Oh, please.

I was holding a towel up
in front of her.

How does Keiko feel about you
helping Kira out of the tub?

Keiko feels fine about it.

You see, we are adults.

We've developed
a close, mature relationship.

I'm sure
that Keiko and Kira have

but you...

What about me?

I'll bet you looked.

I will apologize for this
at a later time.

You are in my seat!



What is that smell?

Is there a pile
of rotting forshak in here?

Or is it you?

Stand when I talk to you!

Or do you think it is funny?

Mev yap!

Worf, son of Mogh.

Come. Join me.

Challenging Thopok to a fight
is a waste of time.

Grilka cannot mate with you,
now or ever.

Your House is dishonored.

Your name is a curse.

I meant no disrespect.

You showed none.

I'm sure your motives
were honorable.

Do not let it
trouble you too much.

In truth, I doubt it would
have been a good match.


Have you ever pursued
a Klingon woman?


There's no shame in that.

You were raised by humans.

You wear their uniform.

You accept their values.

How could you know anything
about our women?

You'd be surprised what I know.


But we will not find out here.

It is the wish
of the Lady Grilka

that you leave us now,
son of Mogh

and do not return.

I am a fool.

You're in love.

Which I suppose
is the same thing.

You're making
too much of this, Worf.

Tumek said that Grilka
wasn't offended.

She was probably flattered.

There is no flattery

in a great lady
being courted by a traitor.

Is that what's really
bothering you?

Or is it that Tumek said
that you didn't know

anything about Klingon women

and you're afraid he's right?

What do you want?

I want to talk to Dax
if that's all right with you.

I need help.

Grilka invited me to dinner

and I need to brush up
on Klingon manners and protocol.

She invited you to dinner?

In her quarters.

A private dinner.

A very private dinner.

What's wrong with him?

He's having a bad day.

Oh, that's a shame.

Well, when Grilka and I
were married

there wasn't a lot of, um...

affection involved.

So, what does a Klingon woman
expect from a man?

Are there any secret
Klingon phrases I should know

or do we just leap on each other
like a pair of crazed voles?

Quark, Klingon mating rituals
are very... involved.

It's not just
a one-night affair.

Two nights.


Look, I'm serious.

Grilka and I, we have

I'm not sure what.

But I want to pursue it.

For sex?

Well, yeah, that, too.

But there's more.

She's glorious.

So I hear.

Look... if you're serious
about this

then you have to take it
slow at dinner.

No innuendoes.

No staring at her cleavage.

So what do I do?

You talk.

You ask her
about her family's history

and their accomplishments.

She'll consider this
a great sign of respect.


Okay, okay.

I can do that.

Anything else?

Grilka is
from the Mekro'vak region.

It is customary among her people

that the man bring
the leg of a lingta

to the first courtship dinner.

Make sure it's fresh,
as if you have just killed it.

Then use the leg to sweep aside
everything on the table

and declare in a loud voice,
"I have brought you this!

"From this day,

"I wish to provide food
for you and your House.

"All I ask
is to share your company

and do honor to your name."

Then what?

Well, either she accepts
your offer...

or she has her bodyguard

shatter every bone
in your body.

Sounds reasonable.

So did your father
just sit you down one day

and say, "All right, Miles.

"It's time to teach you

about massaging
pregnant women"?

It's an O'Brien
survival technique.

My mother hated being pregnant.

My father's massages
were the only things

that kept her
from killing everyone.

Sounds like me.

Pretty much.

She didn't swear in Bajoran

but she did like to use

what she called
"descriptive phrases."

Are those my uniforms?

Garak finished the alterations

he sent these along.

He guarantees
the insoles will help your feet.

Ow, ow...

That wasn't
very convincing.

I think she's actually
enjoying it, Miles.

You better press harder
if you want her to suffer.

Harder, it is.

Ow, ooh!

You are a sadist,
Miles Edward O'Brien.

Was your father
this cruel to your mother?

Worse. I'd swear sometimes
you'd hear her screams

halfway across Ireland.

The neighbors didn't know

whether to be worried
or titillated.



You miss Ireland?

You know, if you'd
asked me that a year ago

I would have said no

but lately,
and I don't know why

I've been daydreaming
about home.

Maybe I'm getting
nostalgic in my old age.


You've got leave coming.

Take three weeks and go.

If I left,
who'd give you foot massages?

Take me along.

I can think of worse things

than spending
three weeks in Ireland with you.

Me, too.

Don't stop on my account.

Oh, right.





oH-ma-do-VEE-kos ZO!

OH-ma-do-VEE-kos ZO...

I'm not going to ask.

Look, I came here
to thank you for last night.

Grilka loved it... all of it...
everything I did.

Everything I said was perfect.

So, I know nothing
about Klingon women.

She said I had the heart
of a Basai Master...

whatever that is.

It is a poet.

A poet?

I guess I can live with that.

What else happened?

She spent about an hour

talking about her
family history...

a rather long and bloody tale

but what else is new?

Then, we ate the lingta...

which tasted really bad...

listened to some noise

which she called
Klingon music

and then I left.

A perfect evening.



Her bodyguard was giving me
threatening looks all night.

That is to be expected.

The idea of a Ferengi
courting a great lady is...


You know,
it's attitudes like that

that keep you people
from getting invited

to all the really good parties.

"The heart of a Basai Master..."

She said that?

Could I make that up?

I'm telling you, Worf,
she responded perfectly.

You really have the key
to this woman's heart.

The question is:

Can you help me unlock it?

Yes, I can.

We have work to do.


MoVas ah-kee rustak!

Kosh tomaH.

Kosh tomoh...

I mean,
tomaH ehpaq Lukara kaVeir.

Ish-tovee chuCH thling nuq?


besh-opar gree urch...


opar gee urchun
tomaH te... te...

te-doQ maugh-shta.


You say the words,
but there is no feeling

behind them... no passion.

Having to learn
all this Klingonese

isn't helping my performance.

Do not think of it
as a performance.

Believe in where you are.

Put yourself in this place,
in this time...

a thousand years ago,
the dawn of the Empire.

500 warriors stormed the
Great Hall at Qam-Chee.

The city garrison
fled before them.

Only the Emperor Kahless
and the Lady Lukara

stood their ground.

It was here that they began

the greatest romance
in Klingon history.

This is ridiculous.


I'm surrounded by corpses.

My shoes are dripping in blood

and you want me
to feel romantic?

Why am I putting myself
through this?

Because later that night,
Kahless and Lukara

jumped on each other
like a pair of crazed voles.


One more time.

This is the fourth theft
of equipment

from Upper Pylon 3 this month.

I don't know how
they keep doing it.

We've changed the security
protocols three times now.

It's not
the security arrangements

that are at fault here.

It's our friend,
the Chief of Operations.

What did he do?

It's what he's not doing.

He still hasn't finished

upgrading the structural
integrity field

on Upper Pylon 3.

So half the bulkheads
are torn open.

A child could find a way
into those cargo bays.

Look, Miles is a very busy man,
he can't be everywhere at once.

Sometimes it seems as though
he's not anywhere at all.

He is doing a superb job under
very difficult circumstances.


Growing fond of the Chief,
are we?

What are you talking about?

I've always liked Miles.

You've always liked the Chief

but Miles
is a different story.

Look, I...

I am living with him.

I am carrying his baby.

Don't you think that
might change things a bit?

How so?

We're closer.

It-it's like I'm part
of his family.

Which part?


Which part
of his family are you?

Sister? Daughter? Cousin?

Could we concentrate on
the criminal activities report?

Of course.

And I'll refrain from making
any further disparaging remarks

about the Chief.

I mean, Miles.

This consorting with a...

is outrageous!

You forget yourself,

You are the Commander
of the Lady's Guard

nothing more.

Do not presume to judge her.

Tumek, Maporian ale for two.


You are an interesting man.

I always thought so.

Not much of a fighter,
of course.

Fortunately for you,
they were only holo-warriors.

Well, it's the thought
that counts.

Yes, it is.

And what are your thoughts,

Why play out one of
the most romantic scenes

in Klingon literature for me?

Why learn to speak Klingon
and observe our customs?

Why do you pursue me?

I only pursue those things
I wish to acquire.


Now you sound like
a Ferengi again.

I am a Ferengi.

That means I have a talent

for appreciating objects
of great value.

And I believe

you may be worth more than
all the latinum in the Quadrant.

My Kahless.

My Lukara.

Mev yap, Thopok!

Forgive me, Mistress

but I cannot watch
this any longer.

I will not protect a House
where you are welcome, Ferengi.

You are a coward

and a liar

and you have no honor.

So tomorrow, you will kill me,
or I will kill you.

Home two hours early?

You better watch it.
I'll get used to this.

Yep. They don't need me anymore.

Home at 1700 every evening.

You're such a bad liar.



Sit down.
You look exhausted.

Bad day?

Miles, I think this woman
needs one of your famous

neck massages.

M-my hands are pretty cold.

I'm not in the mood, anyway.

Well, I can see the tension
in your muscles from here.

No, thanks, really.

Um, I'm going to Bajor tomorrow.

Just for a few days.

- Bajor?
- Yes.

I thought
I'd take the time and relax.

A friend of mine has a house
in the Musilla Province.

It's quiet, remote...
no distractions.

When do you leave?

Uh, first thing in the morning.

W-W-Wait a minute.

You can't go alone.

What if you go into labor?

Well, Julian doesn't think

that's going to happen
for another month.

But he doesn't know for sure.


maybe you should go with her.


I can't go.

I have a botanical pathology
seminar tomorrow

but you said yourself
things are slow in Ops.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

Me neither.

Miles Edward O'Brien,
are you going to let

the woman carrying
your unborn child

go on a trip all by herself?

Are you two fighting again?


Not at all.

Then it's settled.

Miles, let's pack your bag.

What if I just do what I did

the last time a Klingon
wanted to kill me?


throw my sword away,
kneel down in front of him

and dare him to execute me.


He'll be humiliated

and slink away
like a scalded targ.

The only reason that worked
was because Gowron stepped in

and restrained your opponent

before he was able
to kill you.

No one will stop Thopok.

Dax and I aren't even
able to attend.

So my choices are to not show up

be branded a coward
and lose Grilka

or die?


Oh, come on now!

There must be another way
out of this!

You people have
rituals for everything

except waste extraction.

You must have a ceremony
or a secret handshake

or something I can do?

I have an idea.

Oh, congratulations.

How do you feel?

Like a puppet...

and I have some complaints
for the puppeteer.

You nearly wrenched my arm
out of its socket.

The movement
would not have hurt

if you were in better
physical condition.

Exercise makes me sweat.

You need to get some sleep.

If your body's tired tomorrow

Worf won't even
be able to save you.



I cannot believe the lengths
I'm going to for that Ferengi.

I'm practically
giving him Grilka.

What is it you see in her,

I mean, she's attractive,
but other than that?

It is everything about her...

the way she carries herself,
confident and strong.

She commands those around her.

The proud tilt of her head...

the way her face betrays
none of her true feelings...

the power of her voice.

And her eyes... as hard
as separ gemstones

and twice as sharp.

Sounds like you're
describing a statue.

What would you do
with a woman like that...

put her up on a pedestal
and clean her every week?

You do not understand.

If I were in your shoes

I would be looking for someone
a little more entertaining

a little more fun

and maybe even
a little more attainable.

You are not in my shoes.

Too bad.

You'd be amazed at what I can do

in a pair of size 18 boots.

He's in position.

Quark, son of Keldar,
why are you here?

To... to ans...

To answer the challenge
of Thopok

to prove my honor...

and to win the favor
of the Lady Grilka.

The challenge has been given
and accepted.

Let no one interfere!


Where did you learn to
fight with a bat'leth?

I'm a man of many talents.



You damaged the optronic relay.

Can you repair it?

I don't know.


I claim
the Right of... Proclamation.

I've never heard
of the "Right of Proclamation."

It is a Ferengi custom.

Then it has no place here!

I beg to differ!

I am as proud of my heritage
as your are of yours

and I will not be denied

the opportunity
to express myself

according to Ferengi custom.

He has shown respect
to our traditions.

We will do the same.

What do you need to do?

I must... make a speech.

About what?

About you.

Get on with it!

I do not know how,
but he is still alive.

You must work faster.

I'm going as fast as I can.


to this end...
my blade soars...

through the...

aquarium of my soul

seeking the kelp of discontent

which must be caught,
so that the rocky bottom of love

lie in waiting with...

fertile sand

for the coming seed
of Grilka's affection

and yet, does this explain
my need for her?


It is like
a giant cave of emptiness

waiting for the bats
of love to hang by...

Well, I guess
that's enough talking.

Now, back to the fighting.

No showing off this time, Worf.

Just get it over with.

I was not showing off.

End it!

If you insist.

Maybe not.


I'll just pick up
your sword and...

Give it to you... I guess.

Thopok, your honor
is satisfied.

I return your weapon

and discharge you from my House.

My lady.

Do-MACH ah chee ghos eh-PAGH?

You did it.

What does she see
in that parasite?

Who knows?

But they're on
the same wavelength

and at least Quark
can see an opportunity

when it's standing
in front of him.

He would have to be
blind not to see it.

MoVas ah-kee rustak.

Computer, bat'leth.

MoVas ah-kee rustak.

Kosh tomaH...
ehpaq kaVeir Lukara.

Ish-tovee chuCH thling nuq?

Meklo boH ka Mech.

Te-doQ roos ka Mech-TOH.


So I guess we're going.

Looks like it.

Tell me about this...
this house we're going to.

It's a gorgeous
200-year-old cottage.

It's filled with antiques

sitting in the middle
of a deep, dark forest.

It's got three fireplaces,
two balconies.

I see.

It's, uh, 20 kilometers
from the nearest neighbor

30 to the nearest town.

Why am I not surprised?

It gets worse.

There's a view.

Of what?

Of the Holana River.

You can see it from every room
in the house

and at night,
when the stars are out

and you can only hear
rushing water

it may be one of the most
romantic spots

in all of Bajor.

That's it.

I'm not going.

I don't care what Keiko says,
I'm not going.

You go.

I'll wait an hour

and then I'II, I'll tell her
that you left without me.

That there was
a miscommunication

about the departure time.

You think she'll buy it?

She'll probably

accuse us of having
another fight,

of behaving like children,
but I can handle that.

The important thing is

that we don't go anywhere
near that place together.

You are absolutely right.

In fact, I'm going
to go to the capital

and see Shakaar.

That's the best idea
you've had all week.

Have a good trip.


It would've been nice.

In another life.

Let's not even think
about it.

All right.
Let's not.


Yes, Nerys?

Get out.


A compound fracture
of the right radius

two fractured ribs,
torn ligaments

strained tendons,
numerous contusions

bruises and scratches.

What have you been doing?

You mean,
what have we been doing?

Never mind.

I don't need
that particular image

running around my head.

I'll just treat you.

What happened to you two?

We, um...

Well, um, if you must know...


No, uh...
I don't need that image either.

In fact, I'm going to stop
asking that question altogether.

People can come in,
I will treat them

and that's all.

Please... have a seat.

I'll be with you in a minute.

You do realize

that according
to Klingon tradition...

According to tradition,
we have to get married.

But as you keep insisting,
you are not a traditional woman.

The truth is, Worf

at heart, you're not
much of a traditional man.

You might be right.

How do you wish to proceed?

I don't know.

You must have some idea.

You were the...



And now there are questions
that must be answered.


I don't feel like
answering questions.

Why don't we just take it
one day at a time

and see what happens?

I, uh, do not like
the uncertainty

of that arrangement.

One thing's for certain...

you've stopped thinking
about Grilka.