Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (1993–1999): Season 1, Episode 6 - Q-Less - full transcript

Q, the Enterprise-D's consistent omnipotent annoyance, comes to harass the DS9 crew when his traveling companion, Vash, refuses to travel with Q any longer.

So, there l was,
fighting the toughest battle of my life,

looking around,
hoping to spot a friendly face,

only to discover my colleagues...
were gone.

l was alone.

l admit, for a moment
l considered giving up.

l could feel the seconds ticking away,
panic building up.

My only chance
was to trust my instincts.

So l closed my eyes,

took a deep breath

and just like that, it came to me -

the answer l was looking for.

A pericardial membrane!

l looked down and punched
the answer into my computer terminal

just as the buzzer sounded,
ending the exam.

And that, l suppose,
is the stuff salutatorians are made of.


Well, l mistook a preganglionic fibre

for a postganglionic nerve during the orals

or l would have been valedictorian.

lt was a trick question.


Not nearly as fascinating as when l...

Dr Bashir? Chief O'Brien?
Report to landing pad five.

Bad timing.

There'll be another time.

Starfleet medical finals.

Gets them every time.

- lt's no use.
- Chief! We must get this hatch open.

Lieutenant Dax and Ensign Pauley
are trapped.

The runabout barely made it back.

Power levels were near zero.

There's not enough juice left
to release the servos.

Life support's down.
Oxygen levels are dangerously low.

Have to burn it through.

The hatch is made of duranium composite.
lt'll take an hour.

We don't have much time.
How many passengers were aboard?

- Two.
- l'm reading three.

We need to get power
to the hatch servos.

Hand me the EPl capacitor.
Middle shelf.

Try her now.

- Dax?
- l'm fine. Check the others.

- Vash?
- That's right.

Miles O'Brien, from the Enterprise.

- Yes, of course.
- What are you doing on the Ganges?

We found her in the Gamma Quadrant.

- She'd been there for over two years.
- Two years?

Doctor, we'd better get these people
over to the infirmary.

Right this way.

How did you get
to the Gamma Quadrant?

- A friend dropped me off.
- Oh.

- Will l live?
- You're fine.

ln fact...

you're in remarkable shape.

Thank you, Doctor. l try.

l mean you've...managed quite well

considering you've been out of contact
with civilisation for two years.

l'd hardly call the Gamma Quadrant

Some of the cultures have histories
dating back millions of years.

Really? l'd love to hear about them.

We have no idea what's beyond
the wormhole.

Maybe l'll write a book.

lt's sure to be a bestseller around here.


no sign of disease or malnutrition

or parasitic infections.

You sound disappointed.

l am.

Now l have no reason
to keep you here.

You almost make me wish
l wasn't feeling well.

She claims she knew nothing
about the wormhole?

She seemed surprised about it.

She didn't expect
to see this part of the galaxy again.

How could she get there
if she didn't go through the wormhole?

She didn't want to talk about it.

Said it was a personal matter.

A human alone in the Gamma Quadrant
for two years?

Check her background.

- She claims to be an archaeologist.
- That's a good place to start.

You sure this place is safe?

The Assay Office
is the most secure area on the station.

The chambers are surrounded on all sides
by individual force fields.

And how are the locks controlled?

Once you secure a chamber,
it can't be opened

except with
your personal authorization code,

combined with a verified retinal print.

- A Cardassian MK-7 scanner?
- MK-12.

With an L-90 enhanced resolution filter.

l suppose that will have to do.

Computer, begin inventory
for cubicle 19.

One statue...


30-odd centimetres tall,
approximately eight kilograms.

Assorted gems.

Gold necklace.

One dagger. Bronze and gold.

About 25 centimetres.

l've never seen anything quite like it.

Some kind of Promethean quartz.

l thought so too, at first,

but its molecular density
and refraction index is much higher.


End inventory.

Please, enter an access code.

All right.
l'll pick everything up tomorrow.

l've booked on the Mulzirak Transport.

- You're not leaving us so soon?
- l'm afraid so.

The Daystrom lnstitute
will be very disappointed.

The Daystrom lnstitute?

They want to hear
about the Gamma Quadrant.

Every place you've been,
everything you've seen,

could be important,
including how you got there.

Sorry, Commander,
but that's a personal matter.

So now the Daystrom lnstitute
is interested in me.

That's ironic.

Professor Woo seemed eager
to speak to you again.

Did he tell you
he suspended my membership

from the Archaeological Council?

Twice. Something about
the sale of illegal artefacts.

lf it's a choice
between science and profit,

l'll choose profit every time.

He hoped you'd make an exception.

l haven't been back to
Earth must be 12 years.

Here's your chance.
l could arrange passage.

l think l'd like that.

Fine. l'll take care of it.

l don't understand it, Commander.

l can't find anything wrong with her.

This ship is completely functional.

- lt didn't look that way this morning.
- Don't get me wrong.

The power reserves are empty.

The inertial damping fields
are barely operational

and the warp drive containment field's
on the verge of collapse.

But there's nothing wrong
with any of them.

Once we put power back in,
she should be operational.

Did you check
the central power linkages?

Yes, l ran a level-1 diagnostic.
Everything checks out.

l can't explain it.

lt's like something tapped into the ship's
systems and drained them dry.

How well do you know Vash?

l only met her one time
aboard the Enterprise.

What was she doing there?

Vash and Captain Picard were friends -

close friends, if you follow my meaning.

Seems they met on Risa
a few years back.

She must be special,
being friends with the Captain.

- She doesn't seem his type.
- The Captain likes a good challenge.

Status report?

We had broad-spectrum power drain.

Power transfer is inoperative.

The energy was drawn out
faster than it could handle.

Chief, are you reading
any graviton flux

around the transfer systems?

l am detecting
a low-level graviton disturbance.

That's what happened
when we lost power on the Ganges.

These were Cardassian living quarters.

The bed may take some getting used to.

As an archaeologist,
l've spent half my life sleeping in tents.

To me, any bed will be a luxury.

You've never slept
on a Cardassian mattress.

- lf you need anything, ask the computer.
- Thanks, Chief.

By the way, how's Jean Luc?

The Captain?
The last time l saw him, he was fine.

Now that l'm back,
l'll have to look him up.

Really, Vash, l can't believe
you're still pining for Jean Luc -

that self-righteous do-gooder.

He warned me about you.

You're hurt, you strike back.

But cheer up.
l bring you wonderful news - l'm back.

lt was cruel of me to leave you.

Very touching,
but you didn't leave me, l left you.

You left me, l left you. Details!

The important thing is we're a team again.

- Joined together at the hip.
- Not a chance.

You're going to miss me.

Don't flatter yourself.

l thought we'd first visit
the Teleris Cluster,

look in on the star dancers at Mundahla.

Or head over to the Lantar Nebula

and view the Sampalo relic
on Hoek lV.

Not interested.

l know, Vadris lll.
Charming little world.

The natives think they're
the only intelligent life in the universe.


You choose, then.

l choose never to travel with you again.

You don't know what you're missing.

l promised to take you places
no human had seen.

And you have. lt was wonderful.

- Thank you. Goodbye.
- Two years in the Gamma Quadrant

hardly qualifies as a grand tour
of the universe.

There's the Delta Quadrant to explore,

not to mention all the other galaxies.

Q, l want you out of my life.

You are arrogant
and you think you know everything.

But l do know everything.

That makes it even worse.

What is it you really want?

l want the life l had before l met you.

And a stellar life, indeed.

The eminent Vash -

barred from the Royal Museum
of Epsilon Hydra Vll.

Persona non grata on Betazed.

Wanted dead on Myrmidon
for stealing the Crown of the First Mother.

Dead or alive.

Preferably dead.

lt's a wonder you haven't offended
every race in the galaxy.

You almost got me killed
on Erriakang Vll.

They weren't thrilled to see you on Brax.
''The God of Lies.''

Come in.

- l...
- Go away.

Q, bring him back.

What business could you have
with that disgusting little troll?

You didn't give him time to tell me.

Bring him back this instant.

All right.

Can l help you?

My name is Quark.

lt's come to my attention

that you have access to certain items.

ltems that might perhaps turn a tidy profit?

l'm listening.

For a percentage,

l might be able to arrange
a buyer for your trinkets.

Perhaps an auction.

l'll only accept payment
in gold-pressed latinum.

l'll shower you in it. 50-50.

Mr Quark, l believe
you're trying to take advantage of me.

Some wine?

You have a talent for oo-mox.

So l've been told.

l'll not be distracted
by your feminine wiles.

l demand 40%.

All right, 30%.

What magnificent cartilage.

22 and don't stop.

You've got a deal.

l expect you'll make
the necessary arrangements?

You're good.

You're very, very good.

How perfectly vile.

- No wonder you ended up with Picard.
- Go away.

- Enter.
- Aren't we the hub of activity?

- Am l interrupting anything?
- No, come in, Doctor.

- Please call me Julian.
- Julian. ls this medical business?

l thought of official reasons
for dropping by

but your good health
robbed me of excuses.

That didn't seem to stop you.

l'll contribute to your good health
by buying you dinner.

Quark's makes a delicious couscous

and the company
might be mildly entertaining.

Sounds like fun.

Though, l would like to freshen up first.

Could l meet you there
in 20 minutes or so?

Those 20 minutes
will seem like an eternity.

These mating rituals you humans
indulge in are disgusting.

- Get out.
- You don't mean it.

- Out!
- You'll be lost without me.

- l can take care of myself.
- We'll see about that.

- Just a cup of mint tea, please.
- You're making a terrible mistake.

Why? The replicators
haven't malfunctioned again?

l'm talking about Vash.
Stay away from her.

My God, you're an impertinent waiter.

l'm a friend, giving you friendly advice.
She's trouble.

l don't see that
it's any of your business who l see.

- l'm having dinner with her.
- You look tired.

- l feel fine.
- No, you look very tired.

Funny, l...

l do feel a bit spent.
Maybe l should...

Maybe l should go and lie down
for a minute.

Hopefully by yourself for a change.

Bloody hell.

The Klingon scout ship has departed
docking bay 11.

Good. l'll tell Odo he can relax now.

We've got a problem.
l just saw Q on the Promenade.

- Here?
- What's Q?

A powerful and unpredictable entity.

l was at a Starfleet briefing on him
two years ago.

- Blasted menace.
- What does he want with us?

Whatever it is, we won't like it.

You might ask Vash.
They know each other.

From the Enterprise?

They actually met in Sherwood Forest.

lt was one of the little jokes Q played
on the Enterprise crew.

Main power grid has dropped 80%.

Sensors are reading
a massive graviton build-up.

- How long before we regain full power?
- lt's already normalising.

lf we have an outage
during a docking procedure

we could lose an entire pylon!

l've checked every system.
There's nothing wrong with them.

lt's got to be Q -
another one of his stupid jokes.

l'm not laughing.

l figured we'd auction this off last.

but hardly of any intrinsic value.

l thought it was the best piece.

My associates have more
sophisticated tastes than you're used to.

But just so it's not a total loss,

l'll buy it for seven bars
of gold-pressed latinum.

- lt's worth 50 times as much.
- Ridiculous!

All right, 18,
but you must never tell a soul

about my foolish generosity.

You'll have to be
a lot more foolish than that.

All right, 30. Now, give it to me.

Bidding starts
at 200 bars of gold latinum.

l can't decide what's more intoxicating -

this Gamzian wine,
or your negotiating skills.

We need to talk.

The lady and l
are having a private conversation.

lt can wait.

Tell me, Commander,
where is that doctor of yours?

He was supposed
to meet me here earlier.

- Tell me about Q.
- l'll tell you anything you want to know.

Just answer one question -
is Starfleet penalising you

or did you actually request
such a dismal command?

- l want you off this station.
- Don't be hasty, my happy-go-lucky friend.

This gulag could use a little colour,
some excitement.

And who better to provide that than "moi?"

Although, l must admit,
l like your new tailor.

l'm not impressed by your parlour tricks.

These power outages are going to stop.

Why tell me?

Of course, go ahead.
Blame Q if it makes you feel better.

lt's my fate to be
the galaxy's whipping boy.

Heavy is the burden of being me.

lf you're looking for sympathy,
you're in the wrong place.

l was hoping for a witty repartee
but l won't get any of that.

At least your beloved Jean Luc
knew how to turn a phrase.

Take a hint, Q.
No one wants you around.

Really, Vash,
this playing hard to get is growing tedious.

l'm the Q and you the lowly human.

l'll decide when this partnership is over.

Why don't you and l
continue this discussion in private?

Excellent idea.

You're right.
This is an excellent idea.

- Sisko to Ops.
- All gone.

- Bring them back, Q. Now!
- Or what? You'll thrash me?

Shall we settle this "mano a mano?"

- Marquis of Queensberry rules?
- What?

Fisticuffs, pugilism,
the manly art of self-defence!

Come on.
lsn't this wonderfully barbaric?

Take a poke at me.
l know that's what you want to do.

- l'll wager five bars of latinum on Sisko.
- You're on.

Fight back!
This is supposed to be brutal.

You can pay me out of your profits
from the auction.

You hit me. Picard never hit me.

l'm not Picard.

lndeed not.
You're much easier to provoke.

How fortunate for me.

Not again.

Damn it, Q. Enough is enough.

- We're losing atmosphere.
- Decompression protocol.

Mr O'Brien,
raise the confinement shields.

- Shields up.
- Damage report.

A minor hull breach
in one of the upper bulkheads.

l'm getting reports of hull fractures
throughout the station.

Emergency systems
appear to be functioning.

The breach was caused
by a focused graviton pulse.

Every time we've had a power drain

it's been followed by an increase
in the graviton field.

We could have a breach in
a reactor core.

- We'd lose half the station.
- Maybe we should negotiate with Q.

l'm not convinced Q is behind this.

Playing with the lights
doesn't strike me as his style.

You wanted to see me?

Make it quick.
l have important business.

Yes, l know.
You're auctioning off some artefacts

from the Gamma Quadrant.

You were eavesdropping
on my conversation with Vash.

What were you this time?

The table? One of the chairs?

The wine bottle.

When will you realise
that you have no secrets from me?

l have nothing to hide.
l sell merchandise to select clientele.

And what makes them so select?

They're all ridiculously wealthy...

and not too bright.

l'll never understand this obsession
with accumulating material wealth.

You spend your entire life
plotting and scheming

to acquire more and more possessions

until your living areas
are bursting with useless junk.

Then you die.

Your relatives sell everything
and start the cycle again.

lsn't there anything you...desire?

l have my work.
What more do l need?

A suit of the finest Andorian silk?

A ring of pure Surax?

A complete set of Tanesh pottery?

How about a latinum-plated bucket
to sleep in?

Well, l'm glad to see you've packed.

- l hope you said goodbye to your friends.
- l don't have time for this.

You've led a charmed life
these past two years

under my benevolent protection.

- l can take care of myself.
- Really?

Do you remember
that tiny little insect bite

you had on Erabus Prime?

lf l hadn't been there...

l am not going with you.

The galaxy can be a dangerous place
when you're on your own.

lt's over, Q.

l leave you now to reconsider
my offer of friendship.

Station Log, Stardate 46531.2.

The station's power
continues to be drained

and converted into gravitons.

At this rate, our life-support systems
will fail in 14 hours.

We can't find the source
of the power drain

with these Cardassian sensors.
They're not sensitive enough.

Let's make the drain easier to detect.

lf we flood the station with tritium gas

we can trace the particle flow
to the source.

Tritium? lsn't that toxic?

Only when highly concentrated.
We'd only use a small amount.

Do it. Unless we get this
under control

in the next eight hours
we'll evacuate.

Still chasing your own tail?

Picard would have solved it hours ago.

No wonder
you're not commanding a starship.

- Security to Ops.
- Aren't we the feisty little go-getter?

l'd keep my eye on this one.

Chances are she's after your job.

Why don't you do
something constructive for a change,

like torment Cardassians.

- Do l know you?
- O'Brien. From the Enterprise.

Enterprise? Oh, yes.

Weren't you one of the little people?

Quite a motley crew
you've assembled here, Benji.

My advice to you is to evacuate now
and save all this pointless guesswork.

Q, tell us what's going on
or get out of the way.

l'll tell you.
While you conduct futile experiments

Vash is below engaged in base commerce

and setting Federation ethics back
200 years.

Believe me, gang,
she's far more dangerous to you than l.

Kolos, my friend.
l don't know which pleases me more -

your smiling face
or your overflowing purse.

Quark, you obsequious toad.

Your so-called Gamma Quadrant
merchandise had better be legitimate

or l'll toss you out an airlock.

No cause for alarm.

Each piece comes with a statement
of authenticity from Vash,

the Federation's foremost expert
on the Gamma Quadrant.

ln that case, stop snivelling
and give me a synthale.

Are they all that pleasant?

l don't care about their manners.

The important thing is they're honest
collectors of antiquities.

- How honest?
- As honest as you and l.

Then we'd better keep
a close eye on them.

My dear, l've been thinking.

What would you say
to a permanent partnership?

With your knowledge
of the Gamma Quadrant

and my business connections,
we could make a fortune.

Sorry, Quark,
but l've slept in my last tent.

l'm looking forward
to a nice, quiet life back on Earth.

You won't last a month.
You're like me.

You live for excitement and profit.

- Not anymore.
- Would you care to bet on that?

The graviton field
has increased by 60%.

When can we begin the sensor sweep?

Not until we've increased tritium levels
to one part per million.

Should be another seven, eight minutes.

We're being pulled out
of our normal position.

- Use control thrusters.
- Firing thrusters.

We're still moving.

lf the graviton field
is feeding off the power

we can cut its supply
by shutting reactors.

Put life-support on emergency backup.
Take everything else off line.

We're still moving out of position.

What's our heading?

Bearing 157 mark 13.

Straight into the wormhole.

Now, as you know,
payment must be in gold-pressed latinum

and all transactions are final.

Remember, bid high, and bid often.

Ladies and gentlemen,
our first item is a statue

from the Gamma Quadrant's
Verath system.

l should take a minute to tell you
about the Verathan civilisation

which reached its height
some 30,000 years ago

and spanned over two dozen systems,

interconnected by a highly developed
communications network.

This statue represents Drohlak,
the Prime Ossemite of the 19th dynasty.

- Vash, what are you doing?
- l'm providing a historical context.

Give me that.
This isn't the Daystrom lnstitute.

Watch closely.


it's rare...

it's beautiful...

and it's a Gamma Quadrant original!

And it can be yours.

Bidding will start at ten bars
of gold-pressed latinum.

Make it ten.



Who will say 17 and be the first to own
a piece of the Gamma Quadrant?

Tritium levels have reached
one part per million.

lnitiating sensor sweep.

We can rule out the docking ring.

The tritium gas seems to be draining
towards the central core.

- Where in the central core?
- l'll try to get a more precise reading.

lt's not clear enough.

l can't pinpoint an exact location.

Based on our current trajectory,

we'll hit the wormhole in 18 minutes.

What the hell could be pulling us
into the wormhole?

Do we have time to transfer
auxiliary power to the deflectors?

Sir, there's not enough power left.

lf we get sucked into the wormhole
we'll be in a billion pieces

by the time we reach
the Gamma Quadrant.

Sold to Kolos for 36 bars
of gold-pressed latinum!

Next, we have...

a dagger.

Studded with some
very interesting-looking gems.

Think of it as a weapon and an investment.

Bidding will start at 40.



42. 45?

Don't hold back.

You know you want it.
Give me 50. We have 50.

l hate to interrupt such a thrilling display
of naked avarice

but it's only right of me

to warn you that this station
is hurtling towards its doom

and it's unlikely that you will survive
to enjoy your purchases.

l just thought l'd mention it.
Carry on.

Ladies and gentlemen,
l assure you everything is under control.

Drinks for everyone!

And free use of the holosuites
at the conclusion of the auction.

l don't think l realised until this moment
how evil you are.

You'd kill all these people
to get even with me.

The thought had occurred to me,

but this station
is in enough trouble already.

Although l'd be glad to save you.
Just ask.

l'll take my chances with the others.

l'm going to sit right here and watch.

l've never seen a space station
torn apart by a wormhole before.


Sold to my cousin Stol for 105 bars
of gold-pressed latinum.

What if we pump more tritium gas
into the central core?

The sensors might be more accurate.

lt might work
but we'll all die from tritium poisoning.

Wait a minute.
Bring the reactors back on line.

But they'll just feed
more energy into the graviton field.

lf we generate enough energy

it should create a power drain
we can trace.

lt might also push us a lot faster
into the wormhole.

lt's a chance we've got to take.
Bring us to full power.

- Everything you've got.
- Aye, sir.

Sold to Rul the Obscure
for 151 latinum bars!

And now...

Our final item.

And l think you'll agree with me
it was well worth the wait.

Bidding will start at 200 bars
of gold-pressed latinum.


Can l get 250?

250. 300, anyone?

300 bars of gold-pressed latinum.

- 350?
- Here.

400? 400.

Five? 520?

600 bars of gold-pressed latinum.

lt's not in any of the crossover bridges
or in the habitat ring.

lt's in the upper core.

Three minutes,
14 seconds to the wormhole.

We're picking up speed.

l've got it. The power drain's
coming from the Promenade.

Chief, you have Ops.



This way.

3,000 bars of latinum.
My final offer.

- 3,000 bars!
- A million.

A million bars of gold-pressed latinum?

Over here.

- lt's by the podium.
- A million going twice...

- That's it.
- Three times.

- This auction's over.
- Sold.

Shut down the reactors. We've found it.

And it's about time, too.

Sorry, all transactions are final.

This belongs to that gentleman over there.

l'm reading a massive graviton build-up
inside this container.

lt's increasing.
We have to get it off the station.

Chief, lock onto my combadge.

Prepare to transport it
500 metres off the docking ring.

- But l haven't been paid!
- Energise.

Station Log, Stardate 46532.3.

With the embryonic life-form off the station,

graviton levels have returned to normal.

We've used the control thrusters
to return the station to its original position.

So, you're off to the Daystrom lnstitute.

Bet you can hardly wait.

Long, boring lectures,
endless conferences,

whining students dogging your every step.

Sounds delightful. Of course...

- No, you wouldn't be interested.
- ln what?

l hear they've uncovered the ruins

of a Rokai provincial capital on Tartaras V.

lf you could obtain
some Rokain artefacts...

Forget it, Quark.
l'm going back to Earth.

- Have it your way.
- An abysmal place.

- Tartaras V?
- Earth. Don't get me wrong.

1,000 years ago, it had character -

Crusades, Spanish lnquisition, Watergate.

Now it's just mind-numbingly dull.

Then by all means,
don't come with me.

l think you'd be much happier
poking about the ruins of Tartaras V.

l don't need your advice.

You really think l...?

l still feel that l owe you
a million bars of gold-pressed latinum.

Keep it - just give me back my life.

- You'll regret it if l do.
- l'll take my chances.

lf you insist.

But it's not going to be the same
without you.

When l look at a gas nebula,
l just see a cloud of dust.

Seeing the universe through your eyes,

l was able to experience...wonder.

l'm going to miss that.

Well, l guess in some ways,
l'm going to miss you, too.

- Maybe l could drop in some time.
- God, l hope not.

Hey, Quark.
What's the quickest way to Tartaras V?

l feel as though
l've been asleep for days.


Did l miss something?