Somebody Somewhere (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Somebody Somewhere - full transcript

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Sam:Shit, this is gettin' real, huh?

Joel: It really is.

What's your dream wedding?

Oh, I'm so glad you asked.

- I don't know.
- Okay, I'll go first.

- I think it'll be in a church, of course.
- Mm.

And it would be this cute
little church that I grew up in.

And it's very tiny,

and sort of, like,
surrounded by fields,

and so it would be intimate

and just close
family and friends.



And I would wear something
really cute, you know?

Just festive.

But not, like, white or bridal

- because you gotta keep 'em guessing.
- No.

You gotta keep 'em guessing.

And I would walk down the aisle

to the song "Gloria" by Laura Branigan.

And, of course, in my childhood,

I dreamed that I would
fly her in to sing it.

But now, I have you.

Oh, Joel. You can't
touch Branigan.

- You can touch Branigan.
- No Barbra, no Judy, no Branigan.

Come on.

♪ Gloria, Gloria ♪



♪ I think they've got
your number, Gloria ♪

♪ I think they've
got the alias ♪

♪ That you've been
livin' under ♪

- ♪ But you really don't remember
♪

♪ Was it somethin'
that they said ♪

♪ All the voices
in your head ♪

♪ Calling Gloria ♪

Shake 'em!

♪ Gloria, Gloria ♪

♪ I think they
got your number ♪

♪ Gloria ♪

- So, what about you?
- Oh.

You know, I always pictured
wearing my mom's dress.

- Just simple, classic.
- Aw.

Wait, your mom's, like, 5'2".

Yeah, exactly.

Me, mom's dress, and my
beaver walking down the aisle

to meet the man of our dreams.

Do you have the Swedish Fish?

- Yes. Do you have the bubbles?
- I do.

- Joel: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
- Tiffani: Oh, okay.

We have a celebration.

A little sparkling cider
in honor of our dear Fred!

- Hebeda-hebeda.
- Ah, come on now.

- Really?
- Yes, I mean,

isn't this what we're
supposed to be doing?

- Uh, that's for bridesmaids.
- Really?

Well, close enough.

I am who I am.

Bubbles are bubbles, right?

I like when you kids
actually are a little sweet.

It's nice.

Gang, I don't wanna get, you
know, too emo or anything,

but I really, really
appreciate you

being a part of this, okay?

Thanks, pals. Oh, I
got goosebumps! Jesus!

- All: Fred!
- I didn't want goosebumps!

Tiffani: It's gonna be,
like, fitted, right?

Of course.
I don't mess around.

Hey, are you coming
over after this?

I gotta make Tricia
a birthday cake,

and you know I don't know

what the fuck I'm doing
in the kitchen.

Oh, no, I can't.

You can't?

Oh, Joel, are you sure?

This is Tricia's first birthday
since Rick and Shannon left.

-She's, like, super depressed. I'm making her a funeral cake.
-Hm.

- Th-That's not gonna help.
- Oh no, no.

She'll love that shit, you know.

Unless I mangle it,
which I will.

My mom used to make them for
us when we were little kids.

- Ah.
- I thought it was kind of a tender gesture.

Well, I think
that's a lovely gesture.

I wish I could, but
I have some errands.

Some errands?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

- So, are we doing, like, boundaries now?
- Mm.

It's cool. NMB NMP... not
my business, not my problem.

- Joel: No...
- Just promise me you'll pick up if I have any problems.

Oh, totally.

- Sammy, you're up!
- Sam: Oh, okay.

Yoo-hoo!

Heather, hi!

Girl, I love those
bangs. Very Franch.

- French girl look is, like, it right now, right?
- Hello.

Um, so...

I am doing a big ol' wedding.

And, of course, I'll be using

lots of the classic
Tender Moments stock,

but I will be needing to rent

a bunch of things for the place
settings, like the napkin...

Ooh, see?

Like this. This blush?

This is perfect!

- The bride was saying she want... Hm?
- You know, Tricia.

I'm sorry. Maybe try online.

Oh. Okay...

Okay, Heather, I-I
think I know...

think I know what
this is. I understand.

Are you uncomfortable with
Fred and Susan getting married?

Because I can tell you that Fred

is really a
wonderful, sweet guy.

- It's...
- Who's Fred?

I-I don't have a problem
with anyone named Fred.

Wha...

Charity told me everything.

You trying to get
with Coop? I mean...

My God...

No! Oh, my God!

Oh, that's rich. Oh,
that's really rich.

That is rich! That is
rich, that is rich.

Did
Charity... Excuse me.

Did that skank Charity
happen to mention

how many times she
fucked my husband?

'Cause I can tell you it was
many, many, many, many times.

I guess she left that
little detail out. Huh.

Well, I guess rumors aren't the
only thing she's been spreading.

J... Her legs.

Get it? Y...

Sam: Room temperature butter,
room temperature butter.

Take a stick of butter.

Okay.

Is this
room temperature?

What are we gonna do?
Alright, we'll put it in here.

We'll warm her up.

Half a cup of sugar.

Yes.

Oh, keep it sweet.

This is not fuckin'...

How do you do fuckin'
room temperature butter?

You have to be flexible
when you are in the kitchen.

Just making it work.

Okay.

Oh...

45.

Yeah, that'll do it.

Fuck.

Okay.

Pick up, pick up.

- Hey.
- Joel: Hi.

Hey. Um, I'm just making...

Wait, why is the phone
so close to your face?

I-I'm at the library,

and, uh, I'm trying to
get a book about birds.

A book, why?

Well, see, this is
why I didn't tell you

'cause I knew you'd
make fun of me.

Yeah, I woulda made
fun of you! I'm...

Look, I'm just a little
in the weeds right now.

I'm dealing with the...

- Oh fuck!
- Joel: I gotta go.

Okay, okay... Wait, no,
hold on a second! Quick.

- They're telling me to be quiet.
- Wait, wait! No, no!

Hold on, I just have
a quick question.

Okay, it just says room
temperature butter,

but I just... I nuked it,

and now it's bubbly,
and is that bad?

- Oh, I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go.
- But wait, Joel!

Okay.

Alright, well.

Well, fuck it, how bad
can it be? There we go.

Put that in there.

Looking nice and creamy.

Then you're gonna need a
half a cup of vegetable oil.

Okay.

That's probably good.

Sorry. My friend had a
real baking emergency.

Oh, fun. I love baking.

I love baking, too.
My dream is to have

a stainless steel double oven.

Can you imagine?

Yeah, I do it a lot.

You know, this house
was actually cargo

on the Hartford steamboat
from Cincinnati.

- Stop me if you've heard this.
- Huh. No, I haven't.

They ran aground by a
new town called Boston.

And I think some
alcohol was involved,

but they ended up
being invited to stay,

and they all got along,

and they ended up changing
the name of the town

- to Manhattan.
- Wow.

- Yeah!
- I didn't know that!

- Yes!
- What about this old looker?

That's Isaac Goodnow.

He was an abolitionist and
co-founded Manhattan, MK State,

and served on the Kansas
House of Representatives,

and started the Kansas
Teachers Association.

Oh, my God.

Sure, but what's he
done lately, you know?

You know what?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

- Lazy.
- Ooh, ooh!

You wanna hear the weird
backstory behind this comb?

- I desperately wanna hear it.
- Okay.

Well, it was carved
out of human bones...

- Oh, my God.
- By a pack of witches.

- Are you being serious?
- No, I made that up!

I made that up.

I don't know anything
about that comb.

- Hey!
- What is that?

It's your birthday cake.

I didn't have a better box,

but happy birth...
happy birthday.

This is gonna be fun.

So, what were those other
pillow names that you had?

Those ideas you came up with?

Will you just write them down for me, please?

Oh, the cunt ones?

- Yep, the cunt ones.
- Would be my great honor.

You love making me say
that word, don't you?

Yes, but not as much

as you're gonna love
making all that money.

You know Shannon hasn't
called or texted?

- Oh really?
- Mm-hmm.

Sam: That's weird.

- Are you texting her right now?
- No.

Okay.

Big... cunt... energy...

Exclamation point.

Whoa! What's
happenin' over here?

Oh, well, that is a birthday
present I bought for myself,

but I can't figure out how
not to make the text go on it.

- It's nice.
- You just...

Well, it's just probably
synced to your phone.

- Hm.
- Here, gimme your phone.

- No.
- Why not?

I'm not giving you my phone!

W-Why?

Because you'll just take
pictures of your boobs

- or something!
- Oh, my God, Tricia!

I did that... once.

It was more than
once, but whatever.

I got
nice tits, sorry.

It also plays music,
if you're interested.

- Seriously? Sick.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, I can't believe
I just said "sick."

Oh. Okay.

I get what you're doing here.

- Oh no. Mm-mmm.
- Yeah, it's nice and smooth, Tricia.

Oh, I like these edges.

If you go all the way down,

feel all the way around,

and you take the doors,
and you open 'em up...

And, oh! Oh, there you go.

- And then you can just take your hot little...
- So gross.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh God, is this...

Is this you trying to make
me believe in love again?

- Is that what that looks like?
- Oh, well, if it is, I'll stop.

- Unlike you, I actually do believe in love, so...
- Well, that's gross.

So, did you nuke the butter?

Yes. How'd you know?

Because it looks
like a cow patty.

Sam: Well, that's
what I was going for.

Just a big hot dump for your birthday.

Do you have any candles
so we can celebrate?

- No, let's just put our faces in it.
- Yes!

Just like that, it was
finally signed into law

by President Franklin Pierce.

I could listen to you talk
about the Kansas-Nebraska Act

- all day.
- I feel like you just did!

I really enjoyed every
second of it. For real.

This cabin is typical

of the first settlers
of Riley County.

Usually, the windows were built

with greased paper windows

and holes in the roof for smoke,

so the chimney and
fireplace didn't...

I don't wanna move
things too fast, but...

would you like to go
to the pancake feed

with me on Saturday?

- Yeah. I would.
- Yeah?

But, I might need food
before Saturday, if you want.

Do you
wanna go to The Chef?

Yes. Yes.

Um... Yes, totally.

- If you don't want to...
- No, no, no, no.

I love The Chef.

I love their house-made
strawberry jam.

- Oh...
- Yeah, me, too. Me, too.

The recipe called for
half a cup of sour cream,

but I just put the
whole fuckin' thing in.

Nice and tangy, right?

Mm-hmm. It's also...

It's like it's wet.

Well, wet is never bad.

Oh, you should put
that on a pillow.

Mm.

You know what? I mean...

I'm just gonna go
for it this year.

Just, like, go for it.

Like, if it makes me happy,

just F everybody else, you know?

- Good.
- Yeah. I mean, like,

I can barely keep up with these
orders as it is, you know?

You know, this is
a take or leave,

but you could call
your new company...

Charity Cases.

-Oh, my God.
-Come on! That's not bad, right?

It's really good.

- It's really good!
- She's thinkin' about it.

I mean, I can't,
but maybe I can.

Well...

thank you for...

What, for the shitty cake?

No, I like the cake.
Thank you for the cake

and for just making
this whole day...

less shitty.

I've been, like...

really...

just kind of dreading
this birthday.

Like, actually kind of really
freaking out about it, you know?

- Yeah. Hm.
- 47.

Yeah, it's a big one.

Well, yeah, but, I mean,

Holly was diagnosed when
she was 47, I mean...

It's just... It's
just so unfair, and...

I just feel like it's never
gonna be easier, you know?

Holly was 48, Tricia.

When she was diagnosed.

Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said.

No, what... You
said 47. What are you talking about?

-I know, I just misspoke. It's not a big deal.
-No, you didn't.

I mean, what is it
you're not telling me?

She was 47, Sam, when
she was diagnosed.

- What?
- Tricia: She was 47.

- No, she wasn't.
- Yeah.

She, um...

She didn't want to worry you.

She felt like she had
it all under control.

She wanted to try to
beat it naturally.

Well, you can't... You
can't beat cancer naturally.

Who told her... Who told
her that she could do that?

I mean, it was her choice.

Well, why would she
tell you and not me?

- I never would've allowed that!
- Because, Sam,

she didn't think
you could handle it.

Oh my... I could handle it!

Oh, my God.

You must have loved
keeping this from me!

- What? No!
- Oh, yes.

Sam, I wanted to tell you.

I couldn't because
I promised her.

I thought that she
should tell you, but...

of-of course she wanted
to protect you, Sam,

'cause she was your protector.

She always wanted
to protect you.

But...

I mean, please don't forget
that I was her sister, too.

I mean, I lost her, too.

And I miss her, too.

But, you know,
there's just no point

in us getting upset
about it right now.

Oh, it's too late.

- Sam.
- What?

Don't do this. Just stay here.

Please stay here so
we can talk it out.

What do you wanna
talk about, Tricia?

You lied, she lied,
and now I'm upset!

- What else can I do for you?
- Okay. Okay.

Sam, this is what you
do when you get upset.

When you get mad, when you
feel like someone's made

a tiny mistake,
you cut them out.

Oh, oh, no, no, no,
this... this is not tiny!

This is what you do!
You cut people out, Sam!

You cannot keep doing that!
There won't be anybody left!

Actually, you know
what? Just leave.

- I'm so sick of giving a shit about you!
- Fucking... Fine.

- Tricia: And you know what?
- Sam: What?

This is why you're always alone!

Oh! Well, guess what?
We're both alone!

- Darlene: Hi, Sam.
- Hi.

I hope you don't
mind me coming by.

I wanted to bring you your
tape of your last lesson.

- Oh.
- In case you ever wanna practice on your own.

Thank you.

- Yeah, I'm really sorry that I ran out like that. I just...
- It's okay.

I get it.

You have a big heart,

and when you sing,
it-it's right here.

I know how overwhelming
that can be.

Isn't it strange?

Something that brings
us so much joy can...

almost be too much to bear.

Yeah.

Well, you have the tape.
If you need anything...

I'm always here.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Darlene: Hm.

Keep singing, Sam.

- We need you.
- Okay.

Such a good-lookin'
fridge. Damn.

I mean, how the fuck
are you supposed to...

♪ Show some emotion... ♪

Oh, this is a good song though.

♪ Put expression in your eyes ♪

♪ Light up ♪

♪ If you're feeling happy ♪

♪ But if it's bad then let
those tears roll down ♪

You know what? Fuck it.

♪ Someone choking up inside ♪

♪ Some poor souls dying ♪

Credit where credit is
due, you bitch, you!

Big ol' boy.

♪ They got no place to lie ♪

I'll figure out how to work you.

Don't worry.

You know what? Let's
make it official.

You're stayin'
here with me, boy!

Woo!

- Can I get anything started for you?
- Uh...

No, just some coffee.
I'm waiting for Joel.

Oh! I-I've got
something for him.

Joel left this yesterday

when he was here
with Mr. Schraeder.

- Mr. Schraeder?
- Yep.

Do you wanna hear the specials?

Nah, I'm good.

- Thanks, Jimmy.
- Yeah.

- Oh hey, is Sam here yet?
- Sam just left.

I gave her your windbreaker
and an egg benny to go.

Shit.

Brought you a cinnamon roll.

They were just out
of the oven.

I'm good.

There's your windbreaker.

Thank you.

Well, I guess the secret's out.

I think I'm seeing someone?

You know who it is?

SLS.

Jesus Christ.

I think you'd like
him, actually.

He's really great.

- Maybe we could all go to...
- Just take your windbreaker and go.

- Sam...
- No.

Go.

- You can go.
- I'm going. I'm going.

♪ Summer's end is
around the bend ♪

♪ Just flyin' ♪

♪ The swimming suits
are on the line ♪

♪ Just dryin' ♪

♪ I'll meet you there ♪

♪ Per our conversation ♪

♪ I hope I didn't ruin ♪

♪ Your whole vacation ♪

♪ Well, you never know ♪

♪ How far from home
you're feelin' ♪

♪ Until you've
watched the shadows ♪

♪ Cross the ceilin' ♪

♪ Well, I don't know ♪

♪ But I can see it snowing ♪

♪ In your car... ♪