Soap (1977–1981): Season 1, Episode 4 - Soap - full transcript

NFL quarterback Dennis Phillips turns out to be Jodie's boyfriend; Danny makes several hilarious attempts on Burt's life while the oblivious victim is happily making a sandwich.

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THIS IS THE STORY
OF 2 SISTERS,

JESSICA TATE

AND MARY CAMPBELL.

JESSICA LIVES IN
A NEIGHBORHOOD
KNOWN AS RICH.

JESSICA LIKES LIFE.

THE ONLY THING ABOUT LIFE
SHE WOULD CHANGE,
IF SHE COULD,

IS THAT SHE WOULD SET IT ALL
TO MUSIC.

THE TATES HAVE MORE SECRETS
THAN THEY DO MONEY.

WE'RE APPROACHING
MARY CAMPBELL'S HOUSE.

MARY, TOO, LIKES LIFE.

UNFORTUNATELY,
LIFE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE
TOO CRAZY ABOUT HER.



AS YOU CAN SEE,

THE CAMPBELLS DON'T HAVE
NEARLY AS MUCH MONEY
AS THE TATES.

THEY DO, HOWEVER,
HAVE AS MANY SECRETS.

IN LAST WEEK'S EPISODE
OF SOAP,

MARY REALIZES
THAT JESSICA AND CORINNE

ARE PLAYING SOMETHING
OTHER THAN TENNIS
WITH PETER, THE TENNIS PRO.

NEITHER JESSICA
NOR CORINNE REALIZE

THAT THEY BOTH ARE ENGAGED
IN A GAME OF MIXED DOUBLES.

JESSICA IS SO OVERWHELMED
WITH GUILT,

SHE ATTEMPTS TO CONFESS
HER AFFAIR TO CHESTER.

BUT CHESTER ISN'T LISTENING

BECAUSE HE'S SO OVERWHELMED
BY HIS SECRETARY CLAIRE'S
BLACKMAIL ATTEMPTS.

MEANWHILE AT THE CAMPBELLS,
MARY HAS THREATENED
TO MOVE OUT

UNLESS BURT AND DANNY
TRY TO GET ALONG.



GETTING ALONG WITH
HIS STEPFATHER, BURT, BECOMES
EVEN MORE DIFFICULT FOR DANNY

ONCE THE GODFATHER TELLS HIM
BURT WAS THE MAN
WHO KILLED HIS FATHER.

SINCE THE MOB WILL KILL DANNY
IF HE DOESN'T KILL BURT,

DANNY REALIZES TRYING
TO PLEASE HIS MOTHER
WILL BE A PROBLEM.

BUT MARY'S PROBLEMS
DON'T END THERE.

SINCE HER OTHER SON, JODIE,
IS ABOUT TO BECOME
HER DAUGHTER.

CONFUSED?

YOU WON'T BE AFTER
THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF...

SOAP.

GOOD. CORINNE,

ARE YOU JUST COMIN' HOME?

SHH! ARE THEY STILL SLEEPING?

MY GOODNESS.

YOU STAY OUT ALL NIGHT,
YOU SLEEP ALL DAY.

THE ONLY TIME
I GET A CHANCE TO CLEAN
YOUR ROOM IS MIDNIGHT.

COME ON, BENSON.
I'VE GOT ENOUGH PROBLEMS.

IT'S UNHEALTHY,
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

YOU NEVER SEE THE SUN,
YOU DON'T EAT REGULAR MEALS.

YOU HARDLY EVER
EVEN STAND UP.

YOU BETTER GET A JOB, GIRL.

OH!

MORNING, MA.

MY GOODNESS,
YOU'RE UP BRIGHT AND EARLY.

OH, WELL, UH...

WELL, I WAS JUST LEAVING.
I'M, UH...

I'M GOING OUT
TO LOOK FOR A JOB.

AS A NIGHT WATCHMAN.

WELL, UH...

I'LL SEE YA LATER, MA.

YES, GOOD LUCK WITH THE JOB.

OH, THANKS.

BENSON.
HUH?

WHY ISN'T THE TABLE
SET FOR BREAKFAST?

BECAUSE I DIDN'T SET IT.

OH, WELL, I SUPPOSE
THAT'S A GOOD REASON.

AND I AIN'T GONNA SET IT.

OH, BENSON,
YOU HAVE TO SET THE TABLE.
I MEAN, WE HAVE TO EAT.

PEOPLE IN THIS HOUSE
DON'T EAT BREAKFAST.

THEY RUN IN, BEND OVER,
SIP AND LEAVE.

SO, THAT'S IT
FOR TABLE SETTING.
TABLE SETTING IS OUT.

JESSICA?
YES, DEAR.

WHERE'S BREAKFAST?
THE DINING ROOM IS EMPTY.

I KNOW, DEAR.
WE'RE HAVING A KIND OF A...

A BUFFET IN THE KITCHEN
THIS MORNING.

CHESTER,
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE FOR ME
TO MAKE YOU SOME WAFFLES?

JUST TOAST AND COFFEE.

AH.

OH!

BENSON?

HMM?

WHY IS IT EVERYONE ELSE'S
TOAST IS A NICE, NORMAL COLOR

AND MINE IS ALWAYS BLACK?

BLACK AIN'T A NICE,
NORMAL COLOR?

I'M TALKING ABOUT TOAST,
BENSON.

NOW, WHY IS MINE BLACK?

BECAUSE IT'S BURNT.

WHY DON'T WE FIRE HIM?

OH, DON'T BE SILLY, DARLING.
WE CAN'T FIRE BENSON.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WE CAN'T?

NOBODY BUT BENSON
WOULD PUT UP WITH US.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
JESSICA? WE ARE A PERFECTLY
NICE, NORMAL FAMILY.

GOOD MORNING, DADDY.

WHERE HAVE I LANDED?

IN THE KITCHEN, YOU IDIOT.

OH, COLONEL!

I WAS AFRAID
THE WIND HAD BLOWN ME
BEHIND ENEMY LINES.

HERE, DADDY.

HI, GRAMPS. THERE'S NOBODY
IN THE DINING ROOM.

I KNOW, DEAR.
WE'RE ALL IN HERE.

COULD MOMMY FIX YOU
A NICE BOWL OF CEREAL
FOR BREAKFAST?

NO THANKS, MA.

YOU GOT HOME
VERY LATE LAST NIGHT.

YEAH, I KNOW. I HAD A DATE.

UH, YOU KNOW, BILLY,
I THINK MAYBE IT'S TIME

THAT YOU AND I
HAD A LITTLE
MAN TO MAN TALK.

AW, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DAD.
BENSON TOOK CARE
OF THAT ALREADY.

BENSON TOOK CARE OF WHAT?

SEX.

SEE, UH, WE ALSO LEARNED IT
IN SCHOOL.

OF COURSE, IN SCHOOL THEY
TEACH US ABOUT CHICKENS AND
FRUIT FLIES MATING, YOU KNOW.

CHESTER,

WHAT WOULD A CHICKEN
SEE IN A FRUIT FLY?

I DON'T KNOW, JESSICA.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
THEY HAD TO TEACH US
ABOUT ANIMALS.

BENSON TOLD IT BETTER.

WELL, I'M SURE THAT BENSON,

IN HIS PRIMITIVE WAY,

EXPLAINED THINGS TO YOU,

BUT, UH, I THINK IT'S
A GOOD IDEA IF YOU HAD
THE RIGHT VIEW OF THINGS.

THE WHITE VIEW?

CHESTER,
DO WHITES AND BLACKS
DO IT DIFFERENTLY?

I SAID,
"THE RIGHT VIEW," JESSICA.

WELL, I KNOW HOW
IT WORKS, DAD.

UNFORTUNATELY, IT HASN'T
CHANGED MY LIFE ANY.

HE JUST DRANK
RAW EGGS!

YOU JUST ATE
BURNT TOAST!

MORNING, EVERYONE. DADDY.

MORNING, PRINCESS.

GOOD MORNING, DARLING.

EUNICE, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME PANCAKES FOR BREAKFAST?

OH, NO THANK YOU, MOTHER.
I'M ON 300 CALORIES A DAY.

300 CALORIES? WELL, DARLING,
WHAT CAN YOU EAT?

NOTHING. IF I BRUSH MY TEETH
TWICE A DAY,
THAT PUTS ME A LITTLE OVER.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A RIDE
TO THE STATION, PUSS?

NO THANKS, DADDY.
I'M FLYING TO WASHINGTON
TO COVER A PRESS CONFERENCE.

UH-HUH, CAREFUL
OF THOSE CONGRESSMEN.

TOO LATE.

JESSICA, WOULD YOU
TELL BENSON

TO STARCH MY SHIRTS,
NOT MY SHORTS.

I FEEL LIKE I'M WALKING AROUND
WITH SALTINES IN MY PANTS.

I BETTER GET GOING, MOTHER.
I'LL BE HOME TONIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, DARLING.
HAVE A SAFE TRIP.

BYE-BYE, MAJOR.

ONE THING I LIKE ABOUT
YOU ITALIAN WOMEN,

YOU'RE VERY GRATEFUL.

MAYBE THIS EVENING I'LL BRING
YOU SOME NYLON STOCKINGS
AND HERSHEY BARS.

MOTHER, THIS WAR THING
IS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE.

HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE HE IS ANYMORE.

HIS MIND...

MIND!

YOUNG LADY, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
MY MIND IS SHARP AS CANDY.
THANK GOD.

COME IN.

LISTEN, BABE, I HATE
TO RUSH YA, BUT I GOT
ANOTHER LESSON REAL SOON.

THE REAL REASON
I CAME HERE TODAY
WAS TO BREAK UP WITH YOU.

BREAK UP WITH ME?

YEAH, I MEAN,
IRONIC, ISN'T IT?

YEAH.

UH, SEE, I MEAN, I LET
THIS HAPPEN ONCE BEFORE,

BUT I CAME HERE TODAY
TO TELL YOU I COULD NEVER
LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.

AND THEN, I MEAN, I NO SOONER
THAN GET HERE AND I LET HAPPEN

EXACTLY WHAT I SAID I WOULD
NEVER LET HAPPEN AGAIN.

YEAH, WHAT HAPPENS,
HAPPENS, YOU KNOW.

YES, BUT I MEAN,
WHY DID IT HAPPEN? UH...

DO YOU THINK
MAYBE I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU?

YOU'RE NOT, NO.

WELL, MAYBE.

I MEAN MY STOMACH
GOES FLIP-FLOP
AND I'M ALL SHIVERY.

OH, THAT'S THE FLU,
THE INTESTINAL FLU.
I HAD IT MYSELF, LAST WEEK.

I THINK YOU SHOULD GO
RIGHT HOME AND GET TO BED.

OH, I HOPE MY MOTHER
ISN'T LOOKING DOWN
FROM HEAVEN AT THIS.

I MEAN, THIS WOULD KILL HER.

THIS IS NOT LOVE.
THIS IS THE FLU.

THEN, OF COURSE, IF MY MOTHER
IS LOOKING DOWN FROM HEAVEN,

BEING VERY NEARSIGHTED,
MAYBE SHE WOULDN'T KNOW
IT WAS ME, ANYWAY.

THEN AGAIN, MAYBE IN HEAVEN
PEOPLE AREN'T NEARSIGHTED.

I MEAN, IF THERE IS
A LIFE AFTER DEATH,

I WONDER IF YOU
NEED GLASSES FOR IT.

MOTHER!

CORINNE!

UH, CORINNE, HELLO, I...

I... I WAS JUST AT THE END
OF MY TENNIS LESSON.
I, SEE, I, UH,

I TAKE MY LESSONS
UP HERE BECAUSE

THE... THE LINES ON THE COURT
MAKE ME SO NERVOUS.

THAT'S RIGHT, THE LINES.

PETER THOUGHT OF THIS.
THIS SORT OF, UH, TAKES
THE PRESSURE OFF, YOU KNOW.

THAT'S RIGHT. KEEP YOUR KNEES
BENT NOW, AND FOLLOW THROUGH
WITH THE RACKET.

YEAH.
OVER THE SHOULDER.

VERY GOOD.
I THINK YOU'RE GETTING IT.

I GOT IT.
THERE, YOU GOT IT.

I GOT IT.
GOOD.

I GOT IT.

I THINK YOU'VE GOT IT.

YEAH, AND THANK YOU.

I GOT IT. BYE.
SEE YA NEXT WEEK.

BYE.

SHE'S REALLY IMPROVING.

REALLY...

IMPROVING.

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
A BASEBALL PLAYER
TO USE BALL 4.

AFTER THE GAME,
I ALWAYS USE IT

FOR THE GAME
THAT'S COMING UP.

AND CUT. GOOD.
I THINK WE GOT IT.

THANK YOU.
THAT'S A WRAP, EVERYBODY.

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELL, HOW'D IT LOOK?

TERRIFIC! GOOD.

IF YOU NEED
TICKETS TO A GAME SOMETIME,
JUST LET ME KNOW.

I'LL TAKE YOU UP ON THAT.
HOW ABOUT THIS SUNDAY,
49ER GAME?

DONE.
OUT OF SIGHT.

THAT'S GONNA BE A GREAT GAME.
THEY GOT A GREAT DEFENSE.
TOUGHEST IN THE LEAGUE.

ALL RIGHT, DENNIS, WHAT'S
GOING ON? YOU BROKE 2 DATES
WITH ME IN THE LAST WEEK.

I TOLD YOU,
I HAD A TERRIBLE WEEK.

I MEAN, I HAD
A ROUGH GAME SUNDAY.

IT'S NOT JUST THAT, DENNIS.
IT'S A LOT OF LITTLE THINGS.
I MEAN, YOU'RE DIFFERENT.

WELL, HOW?

HOW? LIKE FRIDAY NIGHT
WHEN WE WENT OUT FOR DINNER,

YOU ASKED FOR A TABLE
INSTEAD OF A BOOTH.

YOU SPENT THE WHOLE MEAL
TALKING TO THOSE PEOPLE
NEXT TO US.

AND THEN YOU TELL ME,
"I HAVE A HEADACHE."

I DID.

I GOT KICKED
IN THE HEAD IN PRACTICE.

IS THERE ANOTHER GUY?

OH, COME ON, JODIE!

IT'S RALPH, ISN'T IT?

IT'S NOT RALPH.

HEY, YOU WANNA BE WITH RALPH,
BE WITH RALPH.

I MEAN, THE MAN HAS THE I.Q.
OF AN AVOCADO AND THE WORST
NOSE JOB THAT I'VE EVER SEEN.

IT'S NOT RALPH.

IT'S DAVID, THEN. HMM?

IT'S NOT DAVID.

BECAUSE HE LIED, DENNIS.
HE WAS NEVER BARBRA
STREISAND'S HAIRDRESSER.

IT'S NOT DAVID.

IT'S BOB. IT'S BOB.

JODIE, IT'S NOT ANOTHER GUY.

THEN, WHAT THE HECK IS IT?

WELL, IT'S, UH...

IT'S A WOMAN.

OH, BE SERIOUS.

I AM.

COME ON, DENNIS.

WHEN YOU'RE AT THE LINE
OF SCRIMMAGE
YOU READ THE BLITZ,

YOU GOTTA DUMP IT OFF
OVER THE MIDDLE, THROW A ZING
OUT FOR A QUICK 6, HUH?

A WOMAN?

YOU AND A WOMAN?

SOME PEOPLE WOULDN'T FIND THAT
SO STRANGE, YOU KNOW.

OH, I KNOW THAT, DENNIS,

BUT YOU KNOW, SEEING AS YOU'RE
A HOMOSEXUAL, I WOULD...

A WOMAN. DOES SHE KNOW?

I HAVEN'T TOLD HER YET.

WELL, DENNIS, WHEN YOU TOUCH
HER AND THROW UP, I THINK
SHE'S GONNA BE SUSPICIOUS.

I'LL TELL HER. I'LL TELL HER.

A WOMAN!

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
I'M JUST HAVING
A LITTLE TROUBLE

PICTURING IT, THAT'S ALL.
I MEAN,
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH HER?

LISTEN, JODIE,
IT JUST SO HAPPENS I MIGHT BE
A LATENT HETEROSEXUAL.

OH, REALLY?
YEAH.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
YOU HAVE THESE
HETEROSEXUAL TENDENCIES?

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT
CRAZY ABOUT BETTE MIDLER?

LOOK, IT HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH US.

I MEAN IT'S JUST TOO RISKY.

YOU KNOW,
I'VE ONLY GOT A COUPLE OF
YEARS OF PRO BALL LEFT.

AFTER THAT I'VE GOTTA
RELY ON MAKIN' MONEY
FROM ENDORSEMENTS.

I MEAN, IF PEOPLE
FOUND OUT I WAS A...

HOMOSEXUAL!

SHH! SHH!

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY. SORRY.

BUT I KINDA FIGURED
THIS WAS COMING
SO I WORKED OUT A SOLUTION.

WHAT?

WELL, IT'S A PRETTY BIG STEP.

SEX CHANGE OPERATION.

A SEX CHANGE OPERATION?

PHEW!

WHICH ONE OF US?

SINCE YOU'RE THE QUARTERBACK,
I GUESS IT WOULD BE ME.

YOU MEAN,
YOU'D BECOME A WOMAN?

MMM-HMM. THE DOCTOR SAID
I'D LOOK JUST LIKE
JACQUELINE BISSET.

I DON'T KNOW. HMPH!
THIS WOULD SOLVE
THE PROBLEM, BUT...

BUT WHAT?

THE RESPONSIBILITY.
I... I DON'T WANT
THE RESPONSIBILITY.

WHAT IF IT DIDN'T
WORK OUT BETWEEN US?
UH, IF I LEFT YOU.

I MEAN, YOU'D BE
STUCK BEING A WOMAN
AND I'D FEEL AWFUL.

OH, NO, YOU WOULDN'T.

YOU'D BE DEAD.

CHESTER! CHESTER,
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
YOU'RE A NERVOUS WRECK.

OF COURSE I'M NERVOUS, CLAIRE.
I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT
TO COME HERE.

I CANCELLED A VERY IMPORTANT
BUSINESS LUNCH
TO COME HERE TODAY.

DO YOU KNOW HOW
EMBARRASSING IT WOULD BE

IF THE MAN I WAS TO HAVE
LUNCH WITH WALKED IN?

AND WHO ARE YOU
SUPPOSED TO HAVE LUNCH WITH?

MATT SLOAN.

REALLY?

HOW BRAVE OF HIM TO JOIN YOU
FOR LUNCH THE DAY AFTER
OPEN HEART SURGERY.

I MEAN, TO COME HERE,
WIRED UP TO ALL
THOSE MACHINES.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, CLAIRE?

MATT SLOAN.

MATT SLOAN?
I SAID MARTY SIMMS.

HOW CAN I HAVE LUNCH WITH
MATT SLOAN? HE'S IN INTENSIVE
CARE, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

DO YOU THINK MOUNT SINAI
LETS YOU OUT OF INTENSIVE CARE
FOR A LUNCH HOUR?

MARTY SIMMS?

RIGHT!

WELL, IT MUST HAVE BEEN
VERY IMPORTANT.

I MEAN, SINCE MARTY SIMMS
IS VACATIONING
IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE.

THIS MUST HAVE BEEN
SOME IMPORTANT LUNCH.

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S PRECISELY
HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS.

MARTY SIMMS WAS
GOING TO HOP ON THE CONCORD
TO GET HERE IN TIME.

CRAZY MARTY.

CHESTER, I'VE BEEN
YOUR SECRETARY FOR 12 YEARS.
YOU CAN'T LIE TO ME.

YOU WERE GOING
TO HAVE LUNCH WITH PIGEON.

PIGEON?

OH, CLAIRE, HOW MANY TIMES
DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?

PIGEON AND I ARE THROUGH.

SAVE IT, CHESTER.

I SWEAR IT, CLAIRE.
I SWEAR IT.

CHESTER, IT'S BEEN 12 YEARS
I'VE BEEN DOING THINGS
FOR YOU. FROM NOW ON,

YOU'RE GOING TO BE
DOING THINGS FOR ME.

THE LOVELY CONDOMINIUM
THAT YOU BOUGHT ME WAS
JUST THE BEGINNING. I NEED...

CLAIRE,
I REALLY CAN'T AFFORD...

CHESTER, WHAT YOU
REALLY CAN'T AFFORD

IS AN INVESTIGATION
BY THE SECURITIES
EXCHANGE COMMISSION.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT
YOU REALLY CAN'T AFFORD,
CHESTER.

CLAIRE, CLAIRE, CLAIRE.

YOU LITTLE HOTHEAD, YOU.

ALL OF THIS IS UNNECESSARY,
YOU KNOW THAT.

IT'S YOU, MY SWEET.
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN YOU.

IT ALWAYS WILL BE YOU.

CHESTER, YOU DOUBLE-CROSSING,
DIRTY, LYING CHEAT.

UH, UH, MISS, UH, TEITELBAUM,
I WAS TRYING TO REACH YOU.

YOUR STOCK HAS...

MINOR PROBLEM IN HER ACCOUNT.

SHE'S ALL SHORT OF HER STOCK...

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, BUT...

NOW I KNOW.

WELL, SO MUCH FOR PIGEON.

NOW, CHESTER,
THERE IS ONE LAST THING
I WANT YOU TO DO FOR ME.

WHAT'S THAT?

DIVORCE JESSICA.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, CLAIRE? I CAN'T...

YOU'VE BEEN SAYING YOU'RE
GOING TO DO IT FOR 12 YEARS.
NOW, THINK ABOUT IT, CHESTER.

IT'S EITHER ME
AND A 2 WEEK HONEYMOON
IN THE BAHAMAS,

OR JESSICA,

AND 10 TO 20 IN ATTICA.

SO, CHESTER, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WHAT WERE THE CHOICES AGAIN?

I JUST LOVE HAVING TEA.

I ALWAYS FEEL
LIKE SUCH A LADY HAVING TEA.

OF COURSE, THE WAY THINGS
HAVE BEEN GOING LATELY,

IT WOULD TAKE A GREAT DEAL
MORE THAN TEA TO MAKE ME
FEEL LIKE A LADY.

IN FACT, I WONDER
IF I'LL EVER
FEEL LIKE A LADY AGAIN.

JESSIE, DON'T YOU THINK
YOU OUGHT TO STOP SEEING HIM?

SOMEHOW I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE CUT OUT FOR THIS.

WELL, OF COURSE, YOU KNOW,

SCARLET O' HARA
ALWAYS FELT LIKE A LADY,
NO MATTER WHAT SHE DID.

JESSIE, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL, I THINK IT WAS ALL
THE HOOP SKIRTS AND PARASOLS.

I MEAN, HOW COULD YOU NOT FEEL
LIKE A LADY WITH ALL THAT?

JESSIE.

OH, MARY, I FEEL AWFUL.

I AM ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD
AT CARRYING ON.

I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE ARE
VERY GOOD AT IT.

THEY JUST GO OUT
AND HAVE A GOOD TIME.
BUT NOT ME.

I MEAN, WHEN I GO OUT
TO HAVE A GOOD TIME

I HAVE A TERRIBLE TIME
HAVING IT.

ALSO, CORINNE
ALMOST CAUGHT ME TODAY
IN PETER'S APARTMENT.

NO!

MMM.

BUT I VERY CLEVERLY
PRETENDED I WAS
LEARNING TO SERVE.

JESSIE...

DON'T SEE HIM ANYMORE.

FOR ALL YOU KNOW,
HE COULD BE CARRYING ON
WITH A LOT OF WOMEN.

HE COULD BE CARRYING ON
WITH CORINNE.

OH, MARY, DON'T BE SILLY.

CORINNE IS A BABY.

JESSIE, CORINNE IS NOT A BABY.

I HEARD EUNICE SAY
THAT CORINNE DOESN'T EVEN
COME HOME AT NIGHT.

THAT'S BECAUSE
SHE REFUSES TO WEAR A WATCH.

SHE HAS...

MARY, I'M TELLING YOU,
CORINNE HAS ABSOLUTELY
NO SENSE OF TIME.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES SHE
ACTUALLY SAYS, "GOOD MORNING"
WHEN IT'S AFTERNOON.

THAT'S THE WAY SHE IS,
ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE OF TIME.

BUT A WONDERFUL SENSE
OF DIRECTION.

JESSIE, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

SUGAR, MARY?

JESSIE, YOU KNOW
ABOUT CORINNE.

CREAM?

JESSIE, CORINNE SLEEPS OUT.

LEMON?

JESSIE!

JESSIE, YOU CAN'T PLAY OSTRICH
ALL THE TIME.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE
TO OPEN YOUR EYES

AND SEE WHAT'S GOING ON
IN THE WORLD.

I KNOW, MARY. I KNOW.

AND I WOULD

IF THERE WERE
LOVELY, BEAUTIFUL THINGS
TO LOOK AT.

BUT THERE AREN'T, MARY.

JESSIE, LIFE CAN'T ALWAYS
BE BEAUTIFUL.

IT CAN. MARY, IT CAN,
IF YOU THINK IT CAN.

BESIDES, EVEN IF CORINNE
DID WEAR A WATCH,

SHE PROBABLY WOULDN'T
COME HOME AT NIGHT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S IN HER BLOOD.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

MARY, YOU KNOW SHE'S ADOPTED.

OF COURSE,
SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT,

BUT YOU REMEMBER
WHAT HER MOTHER WAS LIKE.

AND FRANKLY I THINK
SHE'S INHERITED THE TRAIT

OF STAYING OUT ALL NIGHT.

SOMEHOW, I DON'T THINK
THAT'S INHERITED, JESS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY NOT.
EYE COLOR AND MONEY IS.

JESSIE, WHAT ARE
YOU GONNA DO?

GO TO THE BATHROOM.
IT'S THE TEA.

I DON'T KNOW
HOW THE ENGLISH DO IT.

THEY MUST BE UP AND DOWN
EVERY 5 MINUTES.

NO! ABOUT PETER!

OH, I'M NEVER GOING
TO SEE HIM AGAIN.

REALLY?

REALLY, NEVER AGAIN.

OH, GOOD.
JESS, THAT'S WISE.

AND I'M GOING
TO TELL HIM, TOO,
JUST AS SOON AS I SEE HIM.

JESSIE, WAIT.

AND THIS IS MY ROOM.

TYPICAL.

THOSE ARE HAMSTERS.

NO, I THOUGHT
THEY WERE WATER BUFFALO.

SO, MOLLY,
I HAVEN'T GOT
ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD.

ARE WE GOIN'
STEADY OR WHAT?

NOT THAT IT MATTERS
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. IF IT'S
NOT YOU, IT'S SOMEBODY ELSE.

AND WHY DO WE HAVE
TO GO STEADY?

'CAUSE EVERYBODY IS,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

OK, FINE. FORGET IT.

WELL, I HAVE
TO THINK ABOUT IT.

WHAT'S THERE TO THINK ABOUT?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
IF I WANT TO GET TIED DOWN.

FINE, FORGET IT.

WELL, THIS ISN'T A "YES",
BUT IF WE WERE TO HAPPEN
TO GO STEADY,

WHAT EXACTLY DO WE DO?

I TOLD YOU.

YOU WEAR SOMETHIN' OF MINE,
AND THAT'S IT.

WHAT? SHOES?

NO, A RING OR A BRACELET.

DO YOU HAVE ONE?

NO.

LISTEN, I THINK NEXT TIME
YOU ASK A GIRL TO GO STEADY,

YOU SHOULD
PREPARE A LITTLE FOR IT.

WAIT, I'VE GOT IT.

YOU CAN WEAR...

THIS ON A CHAIN.

WHAT IS IT?

THAT'S A GENUINE
SHARK'S TOOTH.

GROSS! HAVEN'T YOU
GOT SOMETHING GOLD?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE TOOTH?

I MEAN, JUDY HAS ERICK'S RING
AND TRACY HAS
STAN'S FOOTBALL CHARM.

STEPHANIE HAS
A SILVER THINGAMAJIG
FROM RONNIE.

EVERYBODY'S WEARING
SILVER AND GOLD

AND I'M NOT WEARING
A TOOTH FROM A FISH.

OK, FINE.
I'LL GET YOU SOMETHING.

AND IF I DO,
ARE YOU GONNA WEAR IT?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT IF I WANT
TO DATE OTHER GUYS?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU DON'T EVEN DATE.

AND IT DOESN'T
MEAN YOU CAN KISS ME.

WHO WANTS TO KISS YOU?
I DON'T WANT TO KISS YOU.
KISSING IS GROSS.

SO WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?
I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY.

HEY, WHAT'S THIS?

I WON IT FOR SWIMMING.

I'LL TAKE IT.

MY MEDAL!

YEAH.

THAT'S THE MEDAL
I WON FOR SWIMMING!

DO YOU WANT TO
GO STEADY OR NOT?

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN KEEP IT.

SO DOES THIS MEAN
WE'RE GOING STEADY NOW?

YEAH. SEE YA.

MY MEDAL!

OH, HI, DANNY BOY,
AM I GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

I STARTED TO MAKE A SANDWICH,
I GOT A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY.
YOU CAN SHARE IT WITH ME.

OH, IF YOUR MOTHER SAW
WHAT I WAS MAKING RIGHT BEFORE
DINNER, SHE'D KILL ME.

SHE ALWAYS THINKS
I'M GONNA RUIN MY APPETITE.

DANNY, DANNY,
YOU DID IT.
YOU QUIT THE MOB.

AND YOU'RE GIVIN' ME YOUR GUN.

OH, I'M SO PROUD
OF YOU, DANNY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE.

NOT WITHOUT
THE MAYONNAISE.
IT'S IN THE ICE BOX.

OH, I'M FEELING SO GOOD.

I SWEAR, I'M FEELING SO GOOD.

IF I COULD CARRY
A TUNE I'D SING A SONG.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY
THIS HAS TURNED OUT TO BE.

AND I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW HAPPY I AM
ABOUT YOU AND ME, DANNY.

IF YOU THINK I'M HAPPY,
YOU SHOULD SEE
HOW HAPPY YOUR MOTHER IS.

SHE WOULDN'T BE HAPPY
IF SHE SAW THE SANDWICH
I WAS... THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, THINGS ARE ALL
GONNA WORK OUT.

I MEAN SO MUCH
HAS HAPPENED TODAY.
SO MANY WONDERFUL THINGS.

YOU KNOW, I THINK TODAY IS
THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I KNOW I ALREADY SAID THAT
BUT IT'S JUST BECAUSE

♪ I'M SO HAPPY ♪

AND THIS, THIS LOOKS TERRIFIC.

A TERRIFIC SANDWICH
FOR A TERRIFIC DAY.

AH, IT'S ALMOST READY.
AND NOW, DANNY, WE'RE GONNA
HAVE OURSELVES A TREAT.

HI, BURT. HI, DANNY.

HI.

SO, SEE YA LATER, DANNY.

YOU BET.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

IF I DIDN'T SEE IT
WITH MY OWN EYES,

THE DIFFERENCE IN
YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

OH, IT'S JUST
NIGHT AND DAY, MARY.
JUST NIGHT AND DAY.

WILL JESSICA AND CORINNE
EVER STOP TO WONDER WHY

THEY'RE BOTH LEARNING
TO PLAY TENNIS
IN PETER'S APARTMENT?

WILL JESSICA LEAVE PETER
AND TRY TO MAKE
HER MARRIAGE WORK?

WILL CHESTER LEAVE CLAIRE
AND RISK GETTING SENT TO JAIL?

WILL JODIE GET
A SEX CHANGE OPERATION

AND TRY TO COMPETE WITH
HIS BOYFRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND?

WILL BURT GET
TO EAT HIS SANDWICH,
OR WILL DANNY KILL HIM FIRST?

THESE QUESTIONS AND MANY
OTHERS WILL BE ANSWERED ON
THE NEXT EPISODE OF...

SOAP.