Slings and Arrows (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 3 - Slings and Arrows - full transcript

Having been named interim creative director of the festival, Geoffrey wisely cedes directing the festival's new production of Hamlet to a visiting director, but is distressed when the board chooses his long-time nemesis Darren Nichols. Richard and Holly decamp to Toronto for an evening of "real theater" as a break from New Burbage. Kate and visiting movie star Jack get closer.

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He's doing the rounds.

He saw the Chekov on Tuesday.
He was at the Dream last night.

- No!
- Yeah. There he was.

Third raw from the back. Head burried in
his hands like he lost a brother in the war.

Crikey. He wouldn't
recast, would he?

Not the Dream, no.

But God knows what
he'll do with Oliver's Hamlet.

Play the lead himself.

- You think?
- Oh, why not?

It was the play
that drow him mad.

- No, really.
- Seven years ago.



I saw it all with
me own eyes.

Halfway through the gravedigger scene
he suddenly went all quiet and pale.

- He went off?
- Off his nut.

- Then he leaped.
- Leaped?

Into the grave, Ducky.
Into Ophelia's bloody grave.

Leaving Horatio and Laertes
staring down into the hole

as if they just
made a wish.

- Crikey.
- Crikey indeed.

Then he went screaming out
into the night, mad as a hatter.

Well, he's been to hospital.
Had treatments.

- Maybe he's better.
- Or maybe he's worse.

Hey up.
Here she comes.

Carlsberg.

Two Carlsberg.



Crikey.

Bloody hell.

Cheer up, Hamlet

Chin up, Hamlet

Buck up, you melancholy Dane

So your uncle is a cad who
murdered Dad and married Mum

That's really no excuse to be
as glum as you've become

So wise up, Hamlet
Rise up, Hamlet

Buck up and
sing the new refrain

Your incessant monologizing
fills the castle with ennui

Your antic disposition
is embarrassing to see

And by the way, you sulky
brat, the answer is To Be

You're driving
poor Ophelia insane

So shut up, you
rogue and peasant

Grow up, it's most unpleasant

Cheer up, you
melancholy Dane

Slings & Arrows
1x03 Madness in Great Ones

- Hi.
- Hi.

Is that Oliver?

His skull, yeah.

How did you...

Taxidermist.

Very eager to do the job.

I imagine this kind of work must be
the secret dream of every taxidermist.

Okay. Couple of things.

First, put that away. In a drawer
or something, please, now.

Second, Richard's not here yet, so
we've pushed the meeting back to 9.15.

Is it heavy?

- You wanna hold it?
- No, thank you.

Oh, come on.
He would've wanted you to.

It's not heavy at all.

It's lighter without the ego.

Strange, isn't it?

You can see that it's him.
Look at his teeth.

Every moller has a filling,
you see that?

It's because of those horrible
things he ate all the time.

Those mints.
After Eight mints?

He ate boxes of those thing.
He was a child, really.

Oliver.

Can I get a coffee?
Black.

- Cream and sugar?
- Yeah. Black.

- Hello. - Richard. Did you forget
about the artistic committee meeting?

I can't come in.
I'm too depressed.

Everybody's gathered
for the meeting.

I can't come in.
I can't come in.

Well, can you just phone in?

It won't take long, I promise.
Just phone in and say

that you have a stomach virus.
That's what I do when I'm depressed.

Please?

- Oh, God, alright, fine.
- Thanks, Richard.

Call the boardroom in five minutes.

Final Landing's
playing at the Roxie.

Jack Crew's in that.

I don't wanna see a movie.

Oh, come on. It's not every
day they cancel rehearsals.

I have an idea.

Let's have an adventure.

Adventure in New Burbage?
Not possible.

We could smoke some of this.

- I don't smoke pot.
- Neither do I.

I got it off my stoner brother.

I thought if I smoked the joint, it would
help me with Ophelia's madness.

You know, give me some
sense memory to work with.

- Seriously?
- What?

Well, being stoned isn't
the same as being insane.

It looks similar.
Stoners look like they're insane.

- No, they don't.
- Yes, they do.

- No, they don't.
- Yes, they do!

- No, they don't. - Oh, come on!
Just get stoned with me.

I don't want to go see a movie.

Hello, everybody.

Please, excuse me for
not being there in person.

I have a virus.

He can't stop going
to the toilet.

Thank you, Anna.

First off, it gives me great
pleasure to introduce to you

Geoffrey Tennant, the festival's
new interim artistic director.

On behalf of the board
of directors I just wanna say

how thrilled and delighted
we are to have you here.

Welcome, Geoffrey.

Thanks.

I don't know what
my duties will be exactly.

Well, that's what we're here
to discuss this morning.

First of all you could take over
the direction of Oliver's Hamlet.

I'm sure we'd all be thrilled if you brought
your experience and your expertise to...

No.

- Sorry?
- I can't do that.

I'm not mentally equipped
for the task at this time.

Not mentally equipped?
Is that what you said?

Yes.

Well, that's a problem.

Is there anyone else?

Hamlet is our flagship production.
It would be nice if it had a director.

Sorry, Richard. But I'm tied up
with the Chekov's series.

It's not a play you
can just direct.

I just don't feel comfortable waltzing
in on top of somebody else's production.

Well, do we know of
anyone of sufficient stature

who could step in
and direct our Hamlet?

Well, I think Darren
Nichols is available.

What's that, Geoffrey?

Darren Nichols is an idiot.

He directed our Titus in '97.
I believe it sold quite well.

- That was the one with
the horse on the stage? - Yes.

It was shit.

Richard, I could call Darren Nichols
and just check his availability.

Yeah, why don't
you do that, Anna?

Geoffrey, I don't know
quite what to do with you.

I don't want to be any trouble.

Anna, what else did
Oliver had on his plate?

Well, there's the corporate
workshop program.

It sounds intriguing,
what is that?

We teach people to
develop leadership skills

by analyzing key
characters in Shakespeare.

You could look at Claudiuses crisis
management techniques, for instance.

That's ridiculous.
I'll do that.

Okay.
Well, great.

Why don't you
arrange that, Anna?

Okay, everybody. Listen, you
are going to have to excuse me.

I'm sorry, but the
cramps have returned.

I have to go back.
I have to go back.

- I can't... I can't...
- Oh, relax.

Enjoy the trip.

Oh, my god.

- What?
- Your eyes...

- What? - They're like
bigger. Is that possible?

- What are you talking about?
- They're huge!

- You mean they're swollen?
- In proportion to rest of your face.

- Shut up. - Maybe they
were always that way.

You look like a Hallmark baby!

- Where are you going?
- I gotta look in my eyes.

No, no, no!
You can't leave me!

- You can't leave me! - You freaked me
out. Now I'm gonna look in my eyes!

- Hey, Jack.
- Hey.

- What's up, Jack?
- I'm looking for accent tapes.

You'd think in the theatre they'll
have accent tapes, but no way.

- Accent tapes? - Yeah.
English, you know. For the play.

- For Hamlet.
- Yeah.

You know, Hamlet
is set in Denmark,

so maybe you should look
for Danish accent tapes.

Man.

If they don't have English, they'll
never gonna have Danish.

- Are you high?
- What?

- Your eyes are huge.
- Oh, my god.

- Oh, my god, are they?
- Relax.

Shit! I don't normally
do drugs! I don't!

Fuck. Oh, my god.
Do I look like a Hallmark baby?

No, it's okay.
Don't freak out.

Let's get you away
from these people.

- What are you on?
- Pot.

- No way, so am I!
- Really?

Yeah. Let's
go to the park.

Life is full of dissapointments.

What separates the man from the boy
is how he deals with adversity.

Are you a man or a boy?

- I don't know.
- Get out of bed, Richard!

- No! - Well, you'd better,
because I'm sending a car for you.

So you'd better be packed
and washed by four PM.

Wanna know why?
I'm bringing you to Toronto.

You need to spend couple
of days in real city.

Traffic, tall buildings
and homeless people.

We're gonna go shopping,
we're gonna have fabulous meal.

We're going to a show and
talk about your future.

So you'd better be ready by
four PM, because if you're not,

I instructed my man to
wash and dress you himself.

Anna.

Do you know where
may I find Richard?

He won't be coming in today.

- He's upset.
- He's a bit upset.

Well, I'll call him at home.

If you're looking for Richard,
he won't be in today.

Dammit!
Coward.

- How could you let this happen?
- Ellen.

I'm sorry, May.
He's insine.

- And he hates this place.
- Geoffrey is a very passionate man.

He's not equipped
to be artistic director.

Not mentally equipped.

It has been seven years, Ellen.
Perhaps he's reequipped himself.

God knows what Oliver
would say if he knew.

God only knows.

She's right, you know.
I'm not mentally equipped.

If you ask me, we could use
a little madness around here.

What's on the agenda today?

Nothing.
Avoiding people.

Good.
Ease into the job.

Take some time
to reacquaint yourself.

- Revisit the old hounds.
- The old hounds.

Look, my lord.

It comes.

Oh, Jesus.

Look, with what courteous action it
waves you to a more removed ground.

But do not go with it.

- Geoffrey!
- Oh, no.

Welcome home.

Here you are,
back at the Swan.

It's about time!

This is where you
earned your stripes.

Romeo, Marc
Anthony, Princ Hel.

And the other prince.
Dare I speak his name?

What is happening here?
You're dead!

Apparently there's an afterlife. Despite
what they taught us in university.

Now, you answer me a question.

What's all this nonsense about you not
being mentally equipped to take on Hamlet?

- I mean, I know you're
crazy, but... - Please.

But I thought that's why you
returned. To take up my mantle.

- To snatch the festival from
apathy's yawning moan... - Oliver!

Or am I wrong?

Was it love's siren song that
brought you crashing on this rocks?

I don't know why I'm here.
I hate this fucking place.

And I don't blame you.
Drove you mad, didn't it?

And it killed me.

Revenge my foul and
most unnatural murder!

- Geoffrey?
- Stop it!

Excuse me, Geoffrey.

Are you available to do
a press thing with Basil at five?

Yeah.

Do you need
some more time?

- I mean...
- No. It's fine.

- Okay. We'll do it in the bar.
- Good.

It's funny seeing you
on that stage again.

Funny in a good way.

What is that like?
I mean...

Seeing yourself up there? Doesn't
that just sort of blow your mind?

Well, it's a part, right?

I'm watching it
and I'm like...

Why did they use that take?

Or I remember freezing in that T-shirt
because it was Vancouver in November

- and not New York in July.
- Okay.

But I like to watch my movies,

cause you get to see what works
with the audience, you know?

It's cool.
You don't get that in theatre.

Well, no, the audience is right there.
You know immediately if it's working or not.

- Yeah, but it's not the same.
- No, it's better!

Yeah, but if you're checking at audience all
the time, then you're not in the moment, right?

- Well... - You've done a lot more
theatre than I have, but that's true, right?

Watch out.
I'm huge in Japan.

So how is it exactly that you got to play
Hamlet on the main stage in the festival?

They offered it to me.

Life's just fucking nuts, isn't it?

No, I'm in New Burbage!

I'm going to do their Hamlet.

Hamlet!

I know.

Life is fucking nuts, isn't it?

Thank you for
doing this, Geoffrey.

It's just a little get-acquainted
piece for greyherds.

Totally painless.
You ready?

Geoffrey Tennant.

- Artistic director of...
- Interim artistic director.

I'm really just a figurehead.
I have no job responsibilities.

Interim artistic director
of the New Burbage Festival.

How does it feel to return to New
Burbage after seven-year absence?

It's a little disorienting.

You and Oliver Welles
were famously close.

Infamously close, yes.

Would you say that your
own bold directorial voice

developed in reaction
to your former mentor's more

conservative style?

Well, Basil, I...

Will you be taking over direction of the
festival's flagship production of Hamlet?

No.

No, it wouldn't be
correct to say?

- No. Darren Nichols is directing it.
- Darren Nichols?

- You hate him!
- Sorry?

Basil.

I have no idea what my
bold directorial voice might be.

Let me rephrase the question.

You once stormed the stage during a college
production of The Tempest directed by Darren.

- You started tearing the set with your bare
hands! - How would you characterize

Oliver Welles' directive style?

He set The Tempest
in Nazi Germany!

There were
swastikas everywhere!

Oliver Welles? I'm not
aware of that production.

No, no. Darren.
Darren Nichols.

- That man is an idiot. - And yet,
you let him direct Hamlet. Why?

- Darren Nichols?
- Stop it!

- Let's move on.
- Please.

You, Geoffrey Tennant,
are a coward.

Fardels!

Fardels.

So...

Would you care to comment on any other
productions currently onstage at the festival?

Yes, Oliver, I would.

These great texts,

The Cherry Orchard,
Midsummer Night's Dream,

they come across
as television specials.

Theatre is meant to provoke.
Not to anesthetize.

Well, Darren is provocative,
I'll give you that.

Hail Hitler!

- Would you say... - Well, you're
the one that's responsible!

- I am? - You consciously
commercionalised this festival.

It became more about
drawing people into the theatre

as opposed drawing them
up out of their seats.

You know, that's a very
good soundbite for you.

And you wanna know
why this happened?

It's because you started to
hate the theatre. And why?

Well, perhaps it's because of
gnawing guilt of past betrayals?

And so you tried
to kill it. How?

- Through commodification!
- I did?

No!

Look at this hidious mug that I stole
from the gift shop this morning.

Look at this.
Art.

Literally art as product.

This is a crime!

Fascinating.

By the way, it was
made in Malaysia.

Made no doubt
by children!

And so you see, ladies and gentlemen,
you are not the only victims here!

Do you think

you have enough
for the greyherds?

Oh, I think we have
plenty for everyone.

Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

That was

- ... good.
- Good.

Why don't you go home
and get some rest?

These past few days have been
very stressful for everyone.

- Not just for you.
- You know, Anna,

sometimes your diplomacy comes
off as condescension, but you're right.

- I need to unwind.
- Yeah. Don't we all.

Artistic Director - Asshole

Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Some people are
upset about the interview.

Yeah, I sense that.

It's mainly just the
actors and directors and...

Well, most people, actually.

Thanks.

Just wanted to
give you a heads-up.

And you have the corporate
workshop at ten. You ready for that?

- No.
- Okay.

Darren has arrived and we've scheduled
a table reading of Hamlet for one.

- I really don't wanna do that.
- You have to.

Anna, we hate each other.
We actually duelled in university.

- Why would you want me to
do that? - Well, three reasons.

One, Richard is away
in Toronto fundraising.

So he can't do it. And two, you
are the artistic director, after all.

- And three... - Darren
specifically requested that I do it?

- He had us write it into his contract.
- Piss-ant!

And please, don't say anything horrible
like "piss-ant" when you're introducing him.

- You duelled in university?
- With rapiers in quadrangle at midnight.

That's how I got this scar.

Corporate at ten.

Don't tell them that story.

We're all from Allied Acrylic.

It's a company that makes plastic
products for the construction industry.

Most of us are from marketing.

Except for Terry.
He's from accounting.

You're the numbers man!

Okay, yeah.
Yeah.

Why are you here?

We're here to

improve management strategies and
interpersonal communication skills

through an examination of key works by the
great English playwright William Shakespeare.

Okay.

Before we begin,
let me ask you a question.

Do any of you
seriously believe

that you are gonna sell more plastics products
to the construction industry by studying, say...

the crisis management
techniques of Claudius,

bearing in mind that
he was a scheming villain

who murdered his brother,
married his sister-in-law

in order to gain
control over a kingdom?

In the back?

No?

Neither do I.

So let's get rid of the curriculum

and I think we should just
fuck around with some text.

Hold on!

So sorry.

It's a superstition thingie.

You're supposed to pinch understudies
so that no misfortune happens to you.

To me, I mean.

That's a really stupid superstition.

- So is it true?
- Is what true?

When I left you yesterday,
you bumped into Jack

and spent day with
the said Thespian?

- Jesus, who told you?
- Everybody told me.

You're the talk of the town.

Is that all everybody does
around here? They just gossip?

- Man, your eyes are huge.
- Shut up!

So, he's not gay.

Apparently not.
I owe you a pint.

I'm not late.

I'm not.

Sorry!

Okay. Everyone settle, please.

Geoffrey.

Geoffrey!
Can you just...

Sorry.
Welcome, everybody.

I've been asked or...

required, really, to introduce
your director to you.

You're very fortunate to have him.

You will find many of his
ideas are very interesting.

Darren Nichols.

Thank you, Geoffrey.

Brevity is always appreciated,
if for nothing else, for it's sheer novelty.

Hello, everyone.

I am Darren Nichols,
deal with that.

All right.

Re: Hamlet.

Hamlet.

This play is dead.

It has been dead for
over three hundred years.

It has been strip-mined
for quotations

and propped up like
Lennon in his ice cave.

I don't worship dead texts

but that doesn't mean
I don't find interest in them.

Now, as to my vision,

I'm taking the word rotten

as in "something's rotten in the
state of Denmark" very seriously.

I want a rank and foul looking,

foul acted and if possible,
foul smelling Hamlet,

a decomposed vessel somewhere
between the swamp and the sewer.

Anyway, that's the general idea.

Questions?

Okay, let's read this corpse!

Look, I don't need
any more ties.

Yes, you do.
Your ties are horrible.

No, they're not.
They're nice.

You should have
a special tie for tonight.

Look, please.

I don't wanna see a show.

My whole life is shows.

- Okay, what show? - Mamma
Mia, two tickets, first row balcony.

I like this one.

And for your part, Ophelia,

I do wish that your good beauties

be the happy cause
of Hamlet's wildness.

So shall I hope your virtues

will bring him to his wonted way
again, to both your honours.

Madam, I wish it may.

Enter Hamlet.

Here it comes.
The big one.

To be, or not to be.

That is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the
mind to suffer the stings and arr...

Sorry.

The slings and arr...

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and...

The slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune

or to take arms against
a sea of troubles

and by opposing end them?

Well, he's Darren's
problem, isn't he?

There's a daisy.

I would give you some violets.

But they withered all
when my father died.

They say he made a good end.

For bonny sweet
Robin is all my joy.

Maybe I'm in hell.

This is what I always
imagined it would be like.

Stifling eternal. The air filled
with the shrieks of the damned.

Go to thy death-bed.

She's hard to get
rid of, that one.

Some boardmember's
evil niece, I believe.

She's not your problem, is she?

None of this is your problem.

You're just an interim artistic
director. A figurehead.

- Isn't that what you... - Oh, for the
love of god, will you shut up?

Five minutes, everyone.

Geoffrey, I see you've added turrets
to your litany of mental complaints.

Darren, listen, I fully
expect you to crush this play

with your porkfist of theatrics
and I'm all right with that.

But if you are planning
on using a horse,

do us a favour and stick it
in front of her, would ya?

- Yes! Yes!
- Fantastic!

Yes, that was fantastic! Oh, my...
Man! The dancing and the singing!

- I listened to every word!
- I know.

I swear to God,
it gets better every time.

Thank you.

This goes to show you gotta keep
things in perspective, you know?

I saw Chorus Line when
I was 16 on Broadway.

I was blown away.
You know, I cried.

I loved that show.

It's what made me
wanna go to the theatre.

I used to listen to all
those albums, you know.

Damn Yankees.
Kiss Me, Kate.

My parents
thought I was gay.

How the hell did I end
up in New Burbage?

How did that even happen?

Do not torture yourself.
Come on, let's go for a drink.

- You know what they are? Pure
entertainment. - That's right!

I'm so sick of hearing it's a dense
play. Or "It's a difficult play".

I've never seen anyone come dancing
and singing out of Swan like we just did.

I know! And why
do you think that is?

Cause Shakespeare!
Shakespeare is like...

- Four hundred years old!
- And I don't even think he's that good.

There, I said it.

I mean, you know,
in entertaining people.

And I'm not saying
ABBA were better writers...

No, no.
I know what you mean.

- I don't like Shakespeare.
- Nobody does, Richard!

That's the thing.

You put on plays that
nobody wants to see.

God, what a waste.

You're right.

You're right.

You know what?
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

Over the past five years I have been
working with a group of people,

mostly lawyers and musicians,

on developing a musical

based on the life
of John Lennon.

- No! - We are this close
to securing the rights.

I've already spoken to Yoko.

Ono?

Oh, my God.
My God, that could be huge!

- Yeah. - It's got everything.
It's got romance, music.

- Murder in New York City.
- I know!

Oh, God, Richard. There is
so much I wanna tell you.

About my vision of the future.

Your future.

Let's go back to my condo.

I'm gonna blow your mind.

Okay.

He wants me to smell myself.
That's what he said.

Maybe it's a hint, Ducky.

Typical Darren. Everything
has to be so outrageous.

I'll never forget been
stepped on by that horse.

Geoffrey isn't a fan, I understand.

- Oh, Geoffrey hates Darren.
- He hates everything.

Did you hear what he said about
Cherry Orchard last night?

- Dreadful things.
- He made that young one cry.

- Little Edward.
- Excuse me.

- You can't drink here.
- Oh, hello, Ellen.

Where's your boyfriend?
Cub Scout meeting?

You're upsetting everyone.

You know, I remember a day when
the actors would've been thrilled

to have the artistic director
joined them at the bar.

You go around slandering everyone
and expect them to buy you a drink?

Well, some people
welcome criticism.

In fact, some of them believe
that the integrity of this festival

has been undermined by the
complacency of the old guard.

That would be you.

Everyone!
Yuhoo!

Drinks at my place for anyone
who's uncomfortable here.

Just a short drink.

Where do you live?

23 Glandon Road.
Just off Trinity.

Yellowish-gold Tudors
cottagey style.

Just follow me.
Now! Come. Now.

Oh, God. Sorry. I mean...
Just the Hamlet people.

I don't have enough liquor.
Sorry!

Come.

I also remember time when this
place was all about getting laid.

We could buy up the
town of New Burbage.

Cosmopolitan Lenstrex is on board so
the startup shouldn't be a problem.

We could expand the festival out of town.
Make it sort of theatrical theme park, right?

And exhibits. And big budget
musicals like Mamma Mia.

Can you imagine?
Come here!

We'll make millions!

You know where I got
the idea for this, Richard?

From you.
Yeah.

From your silly gift shop.

Imagine if the whole
town was a gift shop.

Oh, God!
Oh, God!

Oh, make me rich, baby!

Okay, that's good.
But...

What you're talking
about here is loss.

Catastrophic, gnawing absence.

Your wife has died and

what does this really mean?

When I think

human beings,
all human beings

are by nature selfish and
so when we mourn,

we're actually mourning
part of ourselves that has died.

You have now lost the
person that defined you.

And so in a sense you
have lost your identity.

Who are you now
without her?

And you are uncomfortable
inside your own skin.

You have become a
stranger even to yourself.

Okay?

Queen, my lord, is dead.

She should have died hereafter.

There would have been
a time for such a word.

To-morrow,

and to-morrow,

and to-morrow
creeps in this

petty pace from day to day,

to the last syllable

of recorded time.

And all our yesterdays
have lighted fools

the way to dusty death.

Out, out, brief candle!

Life's but a walking shadow,

a poor player

that struts and frets
his hour upon the stage

and then is heard no more.

It is a tale told by an idiot,

full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing.

Very nice.

Okay.

Let's call it a day.

Those of you who don't
have a really long commute,

you're welcome to join
us at the theatre bar.

And first drink,
Terry, is on me.

Thank you.
Thanks.

Thanks.

You were great.
Really, really great.

Fuck, I love this.

Ghost!
Step forward.

And Horatio!

- Look, my lord... - And then the flames
shoot up with pyrotechnics here,

here,

here and here!

So look out, people,
or you'll be burned alive.

Then Hamlet! You see your
dead father risen from the grave

and we fly him into here!

And he hovers!

Now, go.

Angels and ministers
of grace defend...

Blah, blah, blah. Maria, what
I want here is darkness.

No light.
Just flames.

We'll need to went,
but we can do that.

Excellent! Now,
Marcellus and Horatio.

You must stay
close to your horses.

Because horses don't like fire.

We learned that the
hard way, didn't we, Ellen?

I had no idea that theatre
was so much like the movies.

Gertrude is past her prime.

Her hair is graying.

Her tits are sagging.
I want to see her age.

And with Ellen that
shouldn't be a problem.

Sorry, darling. Bad dye job,
roots are showing.

I don't want to see
any wigs. No wigs!

I want yellow teeth
and hairy legs.

You inspire.

You have vision.

You mine the
human soul for truth.

Oh, God!

It's a gift.

And yet, you're waste it on
accountants and middle managers.

Shame, shame.

What is wrong with me?

Darren, it's five.

Fucking unions!
That's it, children.

See you tomorrow.

Everyone, remember?
Drinks at my place tonight.

All are welcome.

Except Geoffrey.

She never spoke to
me before. Just like a...

"Can I get my vacation pay now

or do I have to wait to the end
of the fiscal year" kinda thing.

Well, you can act.

That's a turn-on.

Yes, it is!

Yes, it is!

Why don't you act anymore?

Well, Terry, I had a nervous
breakdown on the stage.

- Ouch!
- And I can never return.

It's too humiliating to return.

- Geoff, you gotta get
back on that horse. - No.

You gotta get back on that horse or
you'll never get on a horse again.

I don't wanna get
on a horse again.

I'd rather direct.

Well, you're a good director.

I mean, I don't know
what I'm talking about, but..

You know, there is one thing
about acting that I miss.

What?

I was in love with an actress.

Beautiful, talented actress

and when we were
together on the stage,

it was like

It was like
having sex in public.

I love that.

And I have never felt
this close to anyone.

We played all the great love
scenes and we meant it.

People would stand
and they'd cheer

and they would
throw flowers

and then we would go home
and we would make love and that...

I miss that.

Because life cannot
compete with that.

I can't compete with that.

Come on.

I need you to be my second.

Okay.

What's a second?

And he said, he said,

'I could go out tilting at
windmills' and I said

'Oh really, could you, my friend'
and he said 'yes',

'show me', and this is right in
the dressing room, mind you,

so there he did it,
and I said

'you sir, are no Peter O'Toole,
put it back in your pants, darling'.

- He does go on, doesn't he?
- He was born talking, Ducky.

"A funny thing happened to me on
the way out of the womb," he said

as the doctor slapped
his little butt.

Sorry! Excuse me.

Sorry, not the sideboard.

Okay, I just...
I have to ask you.

- Have you gone out with
supermodels? - Not supermodels.

- Models?
- Yeah.

But no supermodels, I swear.

Well, one supermodel, but she was just a
regural model when I was going out with her.

Was she beautiful?

No.

She was one of
those ugly models.

She modelled like bandages
and farm clothes and stuff.

Do you wanna sneak out
for a walk or something?

Yeah, sure.

It's really warm out.

I know where we can go.

- Terry.
- Yeah?

Bring the weaponry.

Coming!

What are we doing here?

Geoff! Wait!

What noise is this?

Oh, my God!

There's the villain.

- Terry. - Yeah?
- Give him his rapier.

Hi.

What kind of game
is this, Geoffrey?

You are a pompous fool.

You have no respect for the stage
of no business working in the theater.

You slaughter the text.

You fill the stage with animals!

You...

You're just an all-round goof.

- Take up your weapon!
- Not again.

Terry, clear the killing field!

Buttons off!

Geoffrey, what the
hell are you doing?

I don't want to fight
you, Geoffrey.

If it be now, 'tis not to come.

If it be not to come,
it will be now.

If it be not now,
yet it will come.

The readiness is all!

And you call me pompous.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

- I'm calling the police!
- Kill the ass-hole!

Actors, not horses!

Smell your own armpits!

Run for your lives!

Actors!

You're all the same!

You're all a bunch

of selfish, filthy,
whiny children!

Well, fuck you all!

Fuck off, you fuckers!

Guess I'd better
call the cab, it's...

I'm going to kill you.

Get him!

Go ahead.

It's good.

Very nice.

EN synchro: namuras