Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 7, Episode 2 - My Hard Labor - full transcript

My last few days
have all started the same.

Saying this to Kim.

You're amazing.

Then whispering...

I love you.

... to our baby
and hoping that Kim wasn't wondering

why I hadn't said
the same thing to her.

There are some images
that even doctors can't stomach.

That is so gross, I might vomit.

Oh, is it the patient
with the infected neck wound?

Worse.



Hey, guys.

Like the image of your ex-fianc?e.

- How's it going, Keith?
- You ruined my life.

Nice seeing you.

Excuse me, nurse? Could you be a doll

and give Bobby Frank in there
a shot of penicillin?

Why can't he do it himself?

Because, Carla, he's Dr No Shot.

He's, like, the only paediatrician
kids like because he never gives shots.

Hey, remember when you wanted to be
the doctor who never said "terminal"?

I'm sorry, but your grandmother
has an inoperable brain tumour.

- Is it terminal?
- I wouldn't say that.

- So she still has a chance?
- No.

It's okay. I mean,



"Dr Won't Say Terminal"
is kind of a mouthful anyway.

Didn't I tell you two to treat Mr Meltzer?

- Yes, but he won't let us because...
- No, no, no.

Remember our new system so that
I never have to hear your voice again?

"He doesn't want
to be treated by interns,"

with your "l" dotted with a heart

and a little frowny face at the end.
It's incredible.

Your handwriting's actually
more annoying than your voice.

Regardless, you interns
are the future of this hospital,

and if you don't treat patients,
you won't learn.

What I want you to do is
walk over to Mr Meltzer

and say these words,
"I'm your doctor. Deal with it."

Can you say that?

- I'm your doctor...
- I'm your doctor...

Not you. Never you.

- I am your doctor. Deal with it.
- Peachy.

Why you looking so sad, Nilla Wafer?

You were right about Kim.
I don't love her.

That's tough. Wanna get
some exercise and clear your head?

Okay.

Thanks, buddy, I needed this.

- So, you gonna break up with her?
- No way. We're having a baby, man.

Statistics say that kids end up
way better off

if their parents stay together,
even if it's not a great relationship.

So I'm in for good.
Plus, Kim's amazing,

so hopefully one day I'll wake up
and just be head over heels.

Yeah, that happens a lot.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Is lzzy in her room?

Turk hadn't checked,

so he had a 50-50 shot
of answering correctly.

Sleeping like an angel.

Really?

Because she's on my back.

That's unfortunate.

How can you come in
and not check in on your own child?

You know what?
I am so sick of this stupid video game.

That's it. I want it out of the house.

Come on! I just got this thing
and I'm already on the fifth level.

- Just let me finish!
- Carla, let him finish!

- Oh, you can have it.
- Family comes first, Turk.

Baby, studies have shown
that using joysticks

- can improve a surgeon's dexterity.
- You can have this one.

I'm gonna kill you!

That's my baby pager.

I'm having a baby!

Oh, my God! I'm gonna be a bluncle!

- A black uncle.
- A black uncle.

Oh, right.

You guys, I know
when I first brought this up

you thought it was cheesy.
But now that it's actually happening,

can we do a three person
celebratory jump hug?

Please?

For you.

You're right, that was cheesy.
I should've listened.

Finally gonna get to meet Sam.
I wonder what he looks like.

Oh, I just want a healthy baby.
I mean, what more can you ask for?

Any second now.

What the...

I come from a land down under

So that's what that song's about.

Where beer does flow
and men chunder

Can't you hear
Can't you hear the thunder?

I wondered where he was hiding.

J.D., I know we've had
our ups and downs,

but I'm really glad
we're going through this together.

Me, too.

And I really was.

Okay, Kim, you're still
a few hours away.

I understand you'll be wanting
an epidural?

Yes, but I hate pain so much,

I'm hoping there's a pill
you can give me

so that getting the epidural itself
won't hurt.

Why does she think I'm joking?
I hate her and her chipmunky face.

Kim, your quiet voice
is a little louder than usual.

The delivery nurses
usually get the anaesthesiologist

to deliver your pain medication,
but we're a little understaffed, so...

- J.D.
- I'll be in charge of the epidural,

and as soon as you're ready,
I'll have them make you so numb,

it'll feel like you're passing
a marshmallow.

But that sounds sticky
and uncomfortable.

Passing a unicorn?

That's a big horse with a horn.

- Passing a rainbow?
- That's better.

Okay.

- Jordan?
- Go away.

Let's go see Mommy.

Our daughter needs to go
to the hospital.

Her rash is spreading,
and she could use a steroid shot.

- Why can't you just do it here?
- Jennifer has uropathy.

And over the next couple of years,

plenty of doctors are gonna be poking
and prodding her,

and I would like her
to see me as her father

and not as just another white coat that
she will forever associate with pain.

Totally legitimate argument.

If three-month-olds didn't have
the memory of an earthworm.

Could you please just support us
on this one?

Fine. I'm right behind you.

Wow, that's real talent.

Baby, I promise you,
I will be home as soon as Kim delivers.

Yeah, J.D. Needs me,
and I really want to be there for him.

Okay.

All right, people, listen up!
I need to beat this video game

before Kim delivers
J.D.'s bastard child.

It takes two people to do it,
so I can't do it by myself.

- Who's with me?
- I would, Turkleton,

but I only play Pac-Man
and that carjack game.

There's nothing like scoring a Caddy
and mowing down street hos.

- Sir, what are you doing here so late?
- I live here.

Enid kicked me out of the house
six weeks ago.

She wheeled in and caught me
hitting on her speech therapist.

C'est la vie. Now, if you don't mind,
I got a za coming.

Dude!

We're friends at night. I'll play.

Yes.

What are your thoughts
on cloth diapers?

'Cause if we got black ones
with orange spots,

our kid would look like Bamm-Bamm.

J.D., you've been so great.

I'm feeling really connected to you,
you know?

How are you feeling about us?

Oh, no. Wrong time for this
conversation, but there's no way out.

Good evening.

Oh, thank you Perry much.

We heard that you were having a baby

and we just wanted to come by
and say congratulations.

- Really?
- No. I'm looking for the paediatrician.

He's not here. Sorry, baby J.D.

Her name is Jennifer Dylan, not J.D.

I'm calling her J.D. Forever
and he can't stop me.

All the best there, Kim. Please note
that the entire world is praying

that the dominant genes are yours.

Thank God.

There's no way Kim remembers
what we were talking about.

Hell, I don't even remember
what we were talking about.

What were we talking about?

I was asking
how you're feeling about us.

Damn it.

I've been working up the courage
to tell you that I'm falling...

- No! Don't say it.
- Why not?

Look, I think you're amazing,
but I'm just not ready to say it back yet.

That's okay.

I really hurt you, so it makes sense

that you would need more time
to get there.

Bullet dodged.

What the hell. J.D., I love you.

Cool.

Dr Cox, we heard that you were
waiting for the paediatrician.

Please. Remember our rule?

We heard that you were waiting
for the paediatrician.

He's at home so we paged him,

and he said that we should
give your daughter the shot ourselves.

There is no way in hell that I'm letting
an incompetent intern touch my child.

But you said we were the future
of the hospital and we need to learn.

You need to learn
on patients not related to me.

Ones that I don't care
if you kill or maim.

- We are your doctors. Deal with it.
- Yeah, we are your doctors.

Why don't you always talk that way?

Because it hurts my throat too much.

Okay, all we have to do here
is kill space goblins.

And what's my motivation?

Your motivation is to kill space goblins.

Yeah, but am I killing them
because I hate them

or because I don't share
their space goblin values?

Whatever you want.

Good shot.

What are you doing?

I'm taking a few moments to speak
on behalf of our fallen adversary.

Are you kidding me right now?

Forgive me, space goblin.

If it were not for the novice level setting

or the 10 cups of coffee
I had earlier today,

you might have bested me this day
in the marsh of Kothrick.

We're not too different, you and I.

Despite your arm-mounted cannon and
your insatiable taste for human flesh.

You realise that while you're talking,

his alien friends are shooting you
in the face, right?

Well, that is just rude.

Get some!

Okay, not answering Kim's "I love you"
was awkward, but at least it was over.

So, do you think you could ever
be in love with me?

Let it go, woman!

- Kim, let's focus on having the baby.
- Answer the question.

Lie to her.

And don't lie to me.

Look, I think you're amazing, right?
I've mentioned that.

And even though I'm not, you know,
in love with you right now,

I really hope that one day I wake up
feeling what you said you feel,

even though I kind of
asked you not to say it.

- Do you really hope that?
- With all my heart.

Because I always dreamed
of finding a guy who hoped

he could fall in love with me someday.

Really? That's kind of weird.

No! J.D., do you actually think
that's enough for me?

There are a lot of guys out there
who think I'm a good catch.

The words "cute as a button"

have been thrown around
on more than one occasion.

I know that, Kim. You're amazing.

Stop calling me amazing, okay?

Would you even be with me
if I wasn't dropping this kid?

I don't know how to answer that.

I think you just did.

You know what?

We're done.

What are you talking about?
We're having a baby.

Yeah, we are,

but I deserve to be with somebody
who doesn't need to cross his fingers

and hope that he falls in love with me,
maybe someday.

It's over, J.D.

Get in here with the epidural!

It's funny how even the best intentions
can blow up in your face.

Don't worry. I've practised this
on tomatoes, like, a hundred times.

Whether you meant
to keep your daughter

from associating you with pain.

Step away from the child.

Come here, pumpkin. Okay.

Or you simply intended
to get closure on a video game.

This is what you call
"being there" for J. D?

Oh, my God, I don't think
I could be any angrier at you!

Oh, yeah? Well, you're about to
find out 'cause I'm finishing this game.

And though you have every intention
of making a horrible situation better...

Okay, looks like
we're ready for this baby.

No! Wait, wait, wait!
What about my epidural?

Kim, you're fully dilated.
It's too late for the epidural.

You should have told me sooner.

... you often find out
that you've made it worse.

You!

You're amazing.

I hate you so much right now, J.D.

Don't worry, all women say that stuff
during labour. She doesn't mean it.

- I do. He just broke up with me!
- What?

No, no! Technically,
I didn't break up with her.

I just told her I didn't love her.

- Who did he say that to?
- The mother of his baby.

No, he didn't.

Man, she looks familiar.

Get out!

No, I'm not letting you
go through this alone.

I have someone else I can call.

Keith, I get it, I ruined your life.
Stop calling.

Oh, hey, Kim!

Look it, I know I called you at home
and threatened to kill your dog,

but thanks again
for coming in there, Dr Callahan.

No problem.
It's not like I need a lot of sleep

- to practise medicine on small children.
- This will only take a second.

My daughter needs a shot
for her dermatitis.

Oh, I'm afraid I can't do that.
I'm Dr No Shot.

You're kidding, right?
You're a paediatrician.

You must have to give
the occasional shot.

Sure, if my name was
Dr Occasional Shot, but it's not.

Look, I have to be a doctor
to these kids for years.

I don't want them bawling
every time they see me

because they associate me with pain.

- That's insane.
- Yeah.

And why aren't you giving
your daughter the shot?

I don't want her to forever
associate me with pain.

- What? I didn't catch that.
- Pain.

Was that the inside voice?
You can bring it up.

My daughter to forever
associate me with pain.

Ironic.

Why don't you ask one of the nurses
to give it to her?

There's only one nurse in this dump
I'd let touch my daughter.

I can't believe
you're still playing this stupid game.

- Hit him with the fire sabre.
- Hit him with a lamp.

- There's no lamp in this game, sir.
- I was talking to your wife.

Hit Turkleton with this lamp.

Oh, Carla, good.

Listen, I need you to give my kid
a shot. It will only take a second.

I can't do it.
I'm literally shaking with rage. See?

I would give her a shot, Perry, but this
is Scotch and I'm all Hasselhoffed out.

All right.

- Janitor, you're getting pummelled.
- That sounded like criticism.

- I don't respond well to criticism.
- Whatever. You still suck.

- I'm out.
- No, dude. Come on.

Baby, why'd you have to go
and say that?

I can't finish this game by myself.

Follow my lead
and jump in that warthog.

You drive, I'll man the machine guns
and kill all the jackals.

You have never been more sexy to me.

Oh, that's disgusting.

- Hey, Keith.
- Burn in hell.

I'm so sorry about you and Kim.

- Is there anything I can do?
- Just take care of her.

Okay.

God, you're having a baby.
Want to do a celebratory jump hug?

No. Turk, Carla and I tried one earlier.
Turned out to be lame.

Oh, please, you probably loved it
and just didn't want to admit it.

God, she knows me.

Hey, you. Blondie go that way?

Thanks.

- Get out!
- Oh. Dear God.

It is like Baghdad in there.

Look, Newbie,
I am on the verge of losing my mind.

Do you have the time
to give my daughter a shot

now that you've ruined your life?

Will you talk me through
what I'm going through?

- Absolutely not.
- Then find someone else to help you.

Oh, damn. Fine. Okay. Fine.

But if you use the words "emotional
roller coaster," I am O-U-T.

Deal. I just feel like I'm on this,
like, emotional

- ride of some sort.
- Oh!

Kind of like...

Baby, you are awesome.
You've played this before.

Listen, I discovered the game
when lzzy had colic

and I was up all night
and I became addicted.

That's actually the main reason
why I want it out of the apartment.

I thought you were mad
because I'd rather play the game

than play with lzzy.

Which, I guess, is sometimes true.

Baby, don't get it twisted,
that girl is my world.

But every now and then,
I gotta do my own thing.

You've heard of hunger pangs?
I get sports pangs.

And "watch Judge Dredd
with J.D." pangs.

Turk, you think you're the only one
who gets pangs?

I get "put on my tight jeans
and walk down the street

"to see if anybody honks" pangs.
They do, actually.

I mean, how do you think
I became addicted to this game?

Every parent needs
to take some time off.

You're damn right they do.

Hell, my son, Harrison, is a grown man

and I still get the urge
to slip away during his visits.

Of course, that may have more to do
with this new boyfriend of his.

I swear, you could line up
a hundred gay men

and Harrison would pick out
the attention-starved,

bi-polar, ex-con every time.

Harrison, your ears
must have been burning.

So now what do we do?

We kill one more alien boss
and then we're finished.

I like your style.

Of course, you had
to break up with him.

No one you love should ever
sell your car without asking

and then blow the money on meth.

My kid's not even born yet,
and I'm already screwing up his life.

I just wanted him to be really happy
and normal, you know?

Okay, first of all, Newbie,
we're talking about your kid,

so the whole normal part
was never gonna happen.

- And you didn't mess up his life.
- Come on.

Statistics show that kids
whose parents stay together...

Statistics show?
Who cares what statistics show?

I mean, look at medicine.

80% of people with pancreatic cancer
die within five years.

95% of appendectomies
occur with zero complications.

But we both know
pancreatic cancer patients that lived

and appendix patients that,
unfortunately, passed.

Statistics mean nothing
to the individual.

You're either gonna be a good parent
to that kid or you're not.

I mean, hell,
your parents were divorced

and you somehow managed to become
a relatively successful doctor.

And I'm sure
there's someone, somewhere

who would be proud
to call you their son.

Would you be proud
to call me your son?

This conversation's over.

- Carla, are you done yet?
- Not yet.

As I looked around the room,

I thought about the things
parents do for their kids,

like going to extraordinary lengths
to ensure their child never fears them.

Okay. Let's keep looking.

Helping them mend a broken heart.

Well, why can't you still be with Gary?
I always liked him.

What do you mean,
he stole your fillings?

Or staying up late to make sure there's
one less distraction around the house.

- Game.
- Game. And that's game.

And that's how we do! And that is how

- we do! That's right.
- We do!

And I realised parenting
is about sacrifice.

And I had to go in there
and be there for my child,

even if it meant taking
some well-deserved abuse.

- Get out of here, you jerk!
- No.

Okay, I need you to stop pushing
for a minute.

- You're a piece of crap!
- You're doing great. That hurt.

- I hate your hair!
- Impossible. Nobody does.

Almost there.

Are you two ready to be parents?

And right then,
I couldn't help but wonder...

Are you ever?

Anyway, I hope you weren't
too worried about us.

We'll be home real soon. Bye.

I love watching her sleep.

I can't believe we finished that game.

Oh, baby, I've finished it
a bunch of times.

Word?

He's so beautiful.

- I'm really glad you came back in.
- Me, too.

It's weird, you know?

This is the end of our relationship.
But it's sort of just the beginning.

- Can I hold him?
- Of course.

Here's your daddy.

Hi.

Hi, handsome.

Welcome to the world, Sammy.