Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 8 - My Road to Nowhere - full transcript

J.D.: Not only did I have

a long-distance girlfriend
who was pregnant,

but I still hadn't found an apartment.

So, I was living
on my half-acre in a tent.

A haunted tent.

(CLOCK CONTINUES BEEPING)

- Stop stealing our power.
- You are ruining our neighborhood!

Oh, really, Donna?

I'm ruining the neighborhood.
At least I'm quiet.

Were you guys having sex last night
or raping a baboon?

- I wasn't home last night.
- My bad.



I am gonna beat your ass.

(J.D. GROANING)

Check out that body.
Bet you'd like to give her a ride, huh?

- You betcha.
- Over here, perv.

It's for my retirement, so Enid and I
can see the country in luxury.

So it's wheelchair accessible
for her, sir?

Ted, I'm not retiring
for at least three years.

If she's still alive, I'll deal with it then.

Now, take the rest of the day off
and get her washed and waxed.

You smell like my mom.

(GROWLING)

All right, Mr. Mariani.

Mazel tov, you are the proud owner
of yet another kidney stone!

Did you try laying off
the red meat, buddy?



I'm trying, Doc, but it's hard.

Oh, man, Kim's having
her first ultrasound tomorrow.

Wow, there's nothing like that
first ultrasound. Bring tissue.

Are you kidding me?
I can't just up and leave.

I gotta find an apartment.
I live in a teepee.

COX: Dorian

You have been wrong
about so many things

that I'm not even going to say
something's "wrong" anymore.

Instead, I'm going to say, "It's Dorian."

And the fact that
you'd be willing to skip seeing

that child's heartbeat
for the first time is just plain Dorian.

I mean, hell, Jordan's having
her second ultrasound,

and I couldn't be more giddy.

I can't wait to find out the sex
of that unborn tax break.

Jordan doesn't let you know the sex
until the baby's born.

Dorian again.

I don't know if it's the hormones

or if the baby is actually
eating the bitch cells,

but Jordan has softened.

In fact, last night she...

She asked me to cuddle.

J.D.: Is cuddling bad now?

Baby, I need permission to road trip
J.D.. To Tacoma

so he can see his ultrasound.

Sure.

I think not giving you permission
to do this for your friend

would be totally Dorian.

J.D.: Ow is this spreading so quickly?

Gandhi?

Did you tell Jordan what I said
about her wanting to cuddle?

She doesn't like people to know
that she actually cares for me.

Relax. She's pregnant.
What could she possibly do?

(GROANING)

(COUGHING)

Good boy, Jack. Good boy.

He can't possibly
make this my fault, right?

Dorian. Damn it, now I'm doing it.

Be careful, he's going fetal.

J.D.: The secret to a great road trip

is to get as many people as possible
to come along.

- So, are you guys in?
- Totally!

The last road trip I went on

was when my sorority sisters and I
went to Tijuana.

So it will be nice to go with people
who actually like me.

Why are you always so hard
on yourself?

Your sorority sisters
probably loved you.

Keith, they tried to sell me.

You know, Keith, if the buyer
hadn't been an undercover Federale,

Elliot would be a slave somewhere,

there wouldn't be any uncomfortable
sexual tension between us,

and you and I
would probably be best friends.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Keith!

Oh, well, we still can't make it.

We made plans to finally
hang out with my grandma.

Oh, Keith, the woman is 96 years old.

There will be plenty
of weekends for that. Road trip!

- This way.
- Okay.

You know,
you are one special lady, Carla.

It's not every wife that works a full shift,

then goes home
to change the baby's diapers

while her husband and his girlfriend
spend the weekend mooning truckers

and playing Slug Bug.

- It's not a big deal.
- Oh, but it is.

If you keep letting Gandhi do whatever
he pleases whenever he pleases,

while you take care of the baby,

eventually you're not
even gonna have time

to shave your legs or groom your face,

thus making the most prominent
male figure in your daughter's life, you.

Adi?s, pickle!

As soon as I change out of
these clothes, I'm out of here!

I'm going. You're staying.

How'd you do that?

Gandhi, I'm great at this stuff.
Don't ever talk to Jordan again.

Road trip!

- Where's Chocolate Bear?
- Getting to know his daughter.

J.D.: I knew that little tan baby
would eventually ruin everything.

- Keith, take the front seat, sweetie.
- I can't.

Rowdy needs to see the world.

We need a bigger ride.

(HORN BLARING)

Do you guys know
where I could find a giant carwash?

(J.D. EXCLAIMING)

All right!

I got friends!

(HORN PLAYING DIXIE)

- Hey, cutie.
- Hey.

Oh, like there's a chance I meant you.

So, you're here
for your ultrasound, huh?

I can't believe you're gonna let him
know the sex,

especially when you could...

- No, that's too mean. I couldn't do it.
- No, mean's good. It's... I like mean.

You could learn the sex,
not tell Perry, hold it over his head

and play him like your little bitch-boy.

Perry was so wrong about you.

You're not an idiotic, scalpel-toting,

basketball-dribbling,
blood-sugar-watching, idiotic man-boy.

Stop.

This thing is awesome!

What's with all these kimonos?

I don't know,
but there is a stripper pole in the back.

Carla's got some serious moves.

She can even do
an inverted spread-leg pole spin.

You know, if that's what they're called.

It's not like I took
a pole-dancing class or anything.

J.D.: Nice cover.

Don't touch the kimonos. Those are
for Dr. Kelso's various masseuses.

- Ted, who's driving?
- Oh, my bad!

Maybe I should drive,
so we don't all die! No offense, Ted.

None taken.

I wish none of us had to drive.

JONA TAN 3000: We are cruising
at a comfortable speed, Dr. Dorian,

and should arrive ahead of schedule.

Could you possibly
do me a small favor?

Of course, Jonathan 3000.

Could you rub that spot off
my dashboard?

You got it, pal.

- Oh, yeah. Just like that.
- All right.

That's the stuff, you bitch.

It can get lonely on the road,
even for computers,

but this is gonna be great, right?

I miss my baby. We have to go back.

And now,
if we slide the wand over here,

we'll see if it's a boy or a girl.

Wait. Change of plans, Per. Beat it.

No, no, no.

You committed to finding out
the sex of the child this time.

Oh, yeah, I am gonna find out the sex,
but you're not,

unless you work out a routine with Jack
for the parent-child dance recital.

Jordan, the boy already lip-synchs
into your tampons.

Must we put the final nail
in his tiny gay coffin?

Mama wants that trophy.

Tell her she can't do this.

I would, but when she looks at me,
my insides get all cold.

You're a coward. You're a coward.

Uh-oh.

Did Jordan change her mind
for some strange unexpected reason?

(RING TONE PLAYING GUY LOVE)

Here, I... Here, see if I can't...

Oh, thanks, man.
That would be awesome.

(WHISTLES) Beardface!
Take your foot and go 90-ish.

Yeah, attaboy!

Yeah!

That was awesome, but un-cool.

He's not answering!
Something's wrong with the baby!

- I'm telling Elliot to turn around.
- No, no, no.

Carla, darling, everything's fine with
the baby, fine with... Hey, what's that?

Now, I'll let you out
when you calm down!

Open this door, J.D. Let me out!

And then I realized that my dad
had hugged me at my graduation.

Not with his arms,
you know, but with his brain.

Keith! Come and keep me company.
I'm lonely!

Hey, you know who else is lonely?
My grandma.

No, she's not, Keith.

She's a lesbian in a nursing home
full of old ladies. You do the math.

We could solve both our problems

if we could get my grandmother
together with your mom.

Excuse me, my mother
sleeps with men. I've seen it!

- All right, calm down, mama's boy.
- Bring it on, tall and sexy!

Kick his ass, Ted!

That's enough! If you guys can't get
along, then just sit down and don't talk!

Amen to that.

- What are you doing here?
- I'll tell you what I wasn't doing here.

I was not taking a nap on company time
in Dr. Kelso's mobile home.

Not this guy.

(GRUNTS)

Back to work!

- I don't think he knew we were moving.
- Elliot, stop!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

So, can I stop squeezing out brats
or is it another stupid boy?

Uh-oh.

Excuse me for a second.

"Uh-oh"? Don't say, "Uh-oh."

...road trip right now.
- There's a little difference

between a road trip and a sonogram.

I'm supposed to be
on a road trip right now!

Follow him! He said, "Uh-oh."

Okay, let's get you up.

Where'd everyone go?

He's fine. Let's get going.

Look at us! I hurt my ankle.

Ted might have a broken arm
and the Janitor is blind!

Hey, wait. No. Coming back. Hello!

Who's making pancakes?

See? He's great and so's Ted.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, I think he popped it back into joint.

You guys, Turk told me how amazing
it was when he saw Izzy's ultrasound.

I can't miss this. I just... I won't.

Can I say something?

I don't know this young man.
I wish I did.

I admire his spirit, and if he says
we must continue onward,

then I say I am in!

J.D.: There are a lot of times in life
when you just have to take control.

Wait, give me those keys! I'm driving.

Next stop, Kim-town.

Of course, sometimes
control is taken away from you.

You have to operate on my baby
while it's still in the womb?

Well, there's a urinary tract obstruction

which could be blocking
the amniotic fluid.

We need to place a shunt.

I gotta talk to Jordan.

(RING TONE PLAYING GU Y LO VE)

Mickhead, give me my phone!

- It's mine.
- Oh, really?

Does yours have a picture of Carla
in the background?

- Yes.
- Trick question.

Mine's got Tyra Banks, see?

- Shello!
- Baby?

I got Turk!

J.D.: And sometimes you're just not
as in control as you think you are.

(EXCLAIMS)

That tunnel looks kind of small.

Chill out, Ted.

J.D.: Why would they build a tunnel
that an RV wouldn't fit through?

(CRASING)

J.D.: Admittedly, the tunnel was
more narrow than I thought,

but the damage wasn't too bad.

Keith just had to stop accidentally

making the "please honk your horn"
sign to passing truckers.

(HORN BLARING)

- Holy frick on a stick!
- I was stretching!

Four aces, I win!

Now you only got a six of clubs. I win.

Okay, baby, bye.

There's a problem
with Jordan's ultrasound.

This is our best chance
to restore normal function

and minimize the damage to the lungs.

Fine, but I want to be in there.

You know we can't allow
family members in the OR.

You gotta be in there for me.

Don't you see I got a baby
strapped to my chest?

All right.

Now can you?

First of all, I'm not a neonatal surgeon.

Second, you ruined my road trip,

and you just gave my baby to Rochelle,
the only nurse to get kicked out of

the nursery for using a baby
as a ventriloquist dummy.

ROCHELLE: (SQUEAKILY)
I don't like being spanked.

That's because you haven't
found someone who's doing it right!

Give me that!

What's the matter with you?

Gandhi, you'd damn sure
want somebody in there

if it was your kid.

- (SQUEAKILY) Come on, just do it.
- Knock it off, Rochelle!

You guys, there's her hospital.

Keith, wake up, sweetie. We're here.

Yes!

(HORN BLARING)

I didn't see a truck!

Well, how are you gonna get home?

I don't know,
I'll rent a car or something.

Go take care of Dr. Cox.

Tell him Gladys is thinking of him.
He'll know it's me.

Good luck.

Farewell, stranger.
I shall toast you with my heartiest wine.

Maybe he should lie down.

Turkleton, if I let you assist
on that surgery,

I would be breaking
every hospital protocol.

And you know damn well
I would never be that inappropriate.

Oh, thanks, sugar-boobs.

Lucky for you, I am a man in need.

Enid asked me to get her tickets
to see Al Green for her birthday.

I forgot, now it's sold out.
Can you call him for me?

Sir, do you think I know Al Green
just because I'm black?

Plan B. Also, lucky for you,
Enid has gone blind from glaucoma.

Now, here's what I need.

J.D.: In life, it's never easy
to know what's waiting for you

on the other side of that door.

Surprise.

Oh, my God, J.D.!

- Come here for a second, come here.
- (CHUCKLING) What...

Come here so we can see your office.

- Everything is gonna be okay.
- I know.

Jordan, I love you.

J.D.: Sometimes you find a moment
that knocks you on your ass.

How's our baby doing, huh?

J.D., I had a miscarriage.

Other times,
it just takes your breath away.

Whoa!

Hey. So, everything went great.

Yeah, Jordan and the baby are fine.

Fair enough.

(TURNS OF TV)

- That... That's it?
- Yep.

Okay, I don't know about you,
but when I get great news,

I like to show some form of emotion.

Like when I graduated med school,
I went all Billy "White Shoes" Johnson.

I'm all, like...

(GRUNTING)

And then when Izzy was born,
Tiger Woods arm swing.

(HORN BLARING)

Look, you know as well as I do

that no kid who has surgery
before it's even born

is just gonna pop out into the world
without any...

Without any problems.

In three months,
it's gonna outgrow that shunt,

and we're gonna have to go through
this whole thing all over again.

So you're gonna have to excuse me
if I'm not celebrating.

Your baby's gonna be fine.

And just how could you be
so sure of that?

Because that little thing grabbed
my finger so tight and wouldn't let go.

Perry, she's strong.

- She?
- Yeah, Daddy.

I should have told you earlier. I just...
I didn't want to do it on the phone and...

You okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's... It's just... It's kind of weird.

There was this thing that I never met.

And now it's gone. I kind of miss it.

I know.

And I was already
kind of looking forward

to doing all of those parent things
you hear about.

You know, like changing diapers,
first steps, playing catch.

Turk was gonna even teach me
how to throw like a guy, so...

Unless it was a girl,
then you could just throw like yourself.

Can I ask you something?

Were we just staying together
'cause we were having a kid?

No. No, come on.

Come back from this
in a couple of months,

we're gonna pick up
right where we left off.

I mean,
I guess it'll be a little more casual.

We probably shouldn't talk, though,

unless we're wearing
full body condoms.

What if I wasn't coming back

because they offered me
a permanent position here?

Did they?

Yeah.

(ANDS OF TIME PLAYING)

J.D.: We sat there all night
and talked about everything.

Ow we felt about each other.

Whether we could handle
a long-distance relationship.

Did she ever see herself
coming back to Sacred Heart?

Would a pizza place deliver
to a bench at 3:00 in the morning?

They would.

And at the end of it all,

we both realized that
without a baby in the picture,

the best thing to do was
to say goodbye, stay friends,

and just hope that our paths
cross again, someday.

So then I took a $900 cab ride home
and, voil?, here I am.

J.D., that sucks. I'm so sorry.

Bummer.
Now, why am I back in here again?

Because I couldn't wait to rub
a little jelly on your treasure trail.

No, I have to see
if your kidney stone has dissolved yet.

J.D.

- I always do that.
- Do mine.

J.D.: There are really only
two kinds of surprises.

The good ones
that make everything okay.

It's a girl.

We're having a baby girl.

And the bad ones that make you mad.

There's Papa's pleasure palace!
Looks great, Teddy!

I'm going on vacation.

Theodore!

All right, let's take a look.

And I could never be mad at Kim
for giving me a bad surprise.

Everything looks healthy.
See, there's your baby's heartbeat.

Wow.

Because at least
she was straight with me.