Rel (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Hate & Hip Hop - full transcript

Rel has a prejudiced patient and Brittany's ex-boyfriend has an awful new rap song.

Rel is taped in front
of a live studio audience.

Could you do me a favor?
Could you look at Terry's bumps?

Uh, you know his mom is worried

that she may have to take him
to the hospital,

but she don't know,
so what-what do you think?

Uh, yeah, sure. Hey, Terry,
why don't you show me?

I got one here, three right here,

and I'm not sure
because I can't see them,

but I have a lot on my butt.

Uh, I'll save you some time.

He wants to be Spider-Man

and he's been putting spiders
in his bed so they can bite him.

Terry, why would you do that, okay

That wouldn't even work anyway.

The spider's got to be radioactive.

Good idea, Dad.

I'll put them in the microwave.

Yeah, y-you definitely
shouldn't do that.

You don't know anything,
you evil doctor.

Prepare to be webbed.

All right, let's see who we got here.

Uh... Tommy Smith. 5'11".
Allergic to penicillin.

Oh. You're O negative.

Well, what up, my O negative
blood brother? (CHUCKLES)

What do you mean "blood brother"?

I'm just saying
only seven percent of us

have that blood type.
You know what I mean?

So you got it, I got it,

so you my O negative
blood brother. (CHUCKLES)

All right, um...

I see you fainted at the protest
yesterday due to a blood clot.

Man, that's crazy,
them protest was wild yesterday

from what I heard, and they said
a bunch of the alt-right dudes

showed up with the khakis
and the tiki torches.

It's good for you
standing up for your beliefs.

Yeah, I was protesting inequality.

That's great.

And how this country has turned
its back on true nationalists

in favor of a politically
correct global conspiracy.

So you are actually
one of those tiki torch,

khaki-wearing alt-right guys.

How alt-right are you?

This country was founded by
and for the white man

and we need to take it back. ac


♪ This how we do it in the Chi ♪

♪ On the West Side ♪

♪ Where we always keep it tippin' ♪

♪ Man, that ain't no lie ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh. ♪

You know, I've never walked out
on a patient,

but that dude was talking
so crazy, man,

if I ain't leave, I probably
would've stole on him.

But me punching him, man,

like, I would've been doing exactly

what he expected me to do.

Man, who cares what
he expected you to do?

If I'd been you, I would've
grabbed the defibrillator

and defibrillated him. Boom!

Nah, l-l-look, we just playing, bro.

Look, you cannot aggressively
defibrillize the dude, okay?

Like Michelle Obama always says,
"When they go low, we go high."

Oh, no, no, no. We changed that.

"When they go low, we kick 'em."

Look, guys, it's not like
I've never dealt

with a racist before,
but this dude, he was just

real casual about it.
You know what I mean?

Like, he was, he was really one
of the most confident racists

I've ever talked to.

I'm glad racists out in the open.

I mean, for a while,
they was undercover.

You had to trick them, sniff
them out with questions like,

"Hey, man, you like
a mobile quarterback?"

If they said no, racist.

Yeah, like, when everybody says
a pure pocket passer,

it always sound
like white power to me.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying?
Like, look, man,

a racist is always gonna be a racist.

Our job is to make their life
as hard as we can, okay?

So, what you gonna do, Rel?

You gonna put some laxative
in his drink?

Tell him you got the Ebola virus?

It's from Africa,
that'll freak him out.

Or better yet,

paper his room with
all the Kwanzaa decorations.

Dad, I can't do any of that, okay?

And that's not gonna work. I'm...

Look, me just messing with him
or-or just walking out on him,

that's jeopardizing my job.

And that's letting him win
if I do that.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm
gonna go back down there, right?

And I'm-a do my job so well

he's gonna have no choice
but to respect me.

All right, you do you.
Leave a thermometer in his ass.

Damn, Jake, you deejaying
in the middle of the afternoon?

Yeah, yeah, when a song
this hot drops,

you want to play it all day,

and because it was requested
for a third time,

and it's already my favorite song,

here's "Sprinkle Dinkle,"
the instant classic by Doolock.

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle ♪

♪ Dettle ice cream ♪

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle. ♪


Damn, Jake, why the hell
would you do this to me?

It's not my fault you dated
Doolock then dumped him.

If I was you, he'd still be my man.

Listen, he was a terrible boyfriend.

He didn't have a job,
he lived with his sister,

and he would clip his toenails in bed.

And one day I woke up
and one of them was on my face.

I get it, you're filled with regret.

If I had dumped Doolock,

I'd be dead in a ditch someplace
by my own hand.

But I didn't because I know
what a treasure looks like.

So you know what I'm-a do?
I'm-a keep playing this song.

Let's run that back, y'all.
"Sprinkle Dinkle."

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle ♪

♪ Dettle ice cream ♪

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle. ♪

Okay, Tommy, it's Rel, your
ebony healthcare professional.

Now, look, I've decided,

even though you suck as a person,

I'm not gonna suck at my job.
Now, sit up.

I'm waiting for a real nurse.

I am your real nurse.

Now take a deep breath.

- Now, let it out.

So you gonna just hold your breath?

I'm-a let you know now, man,
you hold your breath, pass out,

I'm-a get paid regardless.

You know, the crazy thing
about you being white,

I can literally see you
losing consciousness.

I mean, you're turning colors
already. Look. Oh, red.

(CHUCKLES) Now you're blue.

You red, white, and blue. (LAUGHS)

You a whole flag now.

Come on, man, there's no point
in you being angry

and holding your breath.

It's hard to be racist
when you're dead.


Thank you.

How did you get this job, anyway?

Affirmative action?

Well, matter of fact, bruh, I
got a perfect score on my NCLEX,

and guess what I school went to?

Malcolm X College.

So, that's what's gonna happen?
What's next?

Gonna make me apologize for
slavery for the thousandth time?

Nah, you don't actually
have to apologize.

I mean, from looking at you,

your ancestors probably
couldn't even afford slaves.

But look...

What is that? What is that sign?

Is that the racist Bat-Signal?

Well, you guys have
gang signals, why can't we?

You know, y'all be killing me

thinking all black people
in gangs. I'm a nurse.

I can't gangbang a nurse.
That don't make sense.

Now, let me tell you this,

you guys are the craziest
gang out here,

and you don't even have
good gang colors.

What gang wear khakis?
But you know something?

I'm not, I'm not gonna do all that.

I came here to do my job,
and that's what I'm-a do.

- That's right.
- The hell is that?

It's a catheter.

Uh, you know, you gonna be under
the anesthesia for a while,

so, you know, I got to put this
in your urethra.

Oh, you don't know what that is

with your very smart
white supremacist mind.

Well, it's basically your pee hole.

I want a qualified nurse to do this.

So by qualified do you mean white?

Oh, okay. Well...

See, you ain't never been here before.

You know, we only got, like,

one white nurse that's on this floor,

and, uh, she's not, uh,

she's not really steady with her hands

when it come to a catheter.

That's right, we call her
"Butterfinger Becky."

- Is she white?
- Yup.

Then I would like her to do this.

Man, your racist body,
your racist choice.

- Becky.
- BECKY: Yes.

Could you come help me real quick?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

As I predicted,

this patient here would want you
to do the catheter insertion.

- Damn.
- Yup.


You got this, go ahead.

Oh, my God. Okay.

- Okay, wow! (CHUCKLES)

Okay. Yay.

- I'll be outside.
- Okay. Um...

- So...
- TOMMY: No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait!

No, no! Oh, whoa, oh, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Stop, stop, stop! Oh, oh, stop!

Oh, whoa, hey, hey,
what's all the commotion, huh?

Is everything okay in here?

Well, I-I may have tried to go
a little too fast, or too slow.

I'm not sure. Either way,
it-it didn't make it in.

You know something, I'm...

I would help you, but you know...

(SCOFFS) You said you wanted

a very qualified white nurse;
well, you got her.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Just... Nurse Rel, will you,
will you do it?

I'd do it, Tommy, if you say please.


- Okay.

(SIGHS) I got one more request,
though, brother.

Could you put your fist up like this

and say, "Black Lives Matter"?

We'll put a tiny camera
down your esophagus

and then we'll put a coiled hose
through your neck artery

and thread the other end
through a vein at the groin

and suction out the blood clot.
Any questions?

U-Um, no.

Okay, great. See you in the OR.

All right, is there any problems
with the catheter?

No, I'm-I'm... I'm okay.

Okay. Look, even though
your a racist...

I can see that you're scared, right?

And it's my job to comfort you,
you know that?

Look, have you ever...
had surgery before?

No, I-I haven't even been in
a hospital since middle school

when I burned myself
sitting in front of a lamp

'cause I thought it had gamma rays

and it would turn me into the Hulk.

You know what's crazy?

My son kind of did the same thing.

He got a bunch of spiders
and put them in his bed

so they could bite him,

thinking it would turn him
into Spider-Man.

That doesn't work.

Wait, you did the same thing, too?

Yeah, I mean, who doesn't
want to be Spider-Man?


Look, man, you don't have
nothing to worry about, okay?

Surgery is gonna be okay.

- All right?
- Okay.

Spider-Man. (CHUCKLES)


All right, y'all, I want to
thank you y'all for coming out

to the first ice cream happy hour

in honor of "Sprinkle Dinkle."


Man, Brit, you lost out.

Doolock's the new king
of the West Side.

First of all, you can't have a city

- run by some rapper named Doolock.
- Right.

You got a city with all
the men running around

with grills in their mouth
and chains around their neck,

and you got the female
police officers twerking

when they're trying
to write you a ticket.

Man, that sounds amazing to me.

Look, this whole generation is lost.

At least you got some sense, Milt.

There you go, playboy.
Sprinkle Dinkle.

What the hell is everybody doing?

They getting ready for the
Sprinkle Dinkle dance challenge.

My man Doolock asked people
to submit videos

of them sprinkling and dinkling.

I'm sick of this.
Who made this dance up?

It look like everybody ran out
of paper towels,

so they air-drying their hands.

Oh, you got to see it done with music.

- No, Jake, don't play it...
- ♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle ♪

♪ Dettle ice cream ♪

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle ♪

♪ Dettle ice cream... ♪

What are you doing?

I don't know, Brittany.
I just... I like it.

But you're supposed to be on my side.

I am, but look... it's-it's just fun.

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle. ♪

♪ Doolock,
I'm gonna put these streets... ♪

All right, y'all, I got a little
surprise for y'all.

My man Doolock is in the building.

- Oh, yeah. I see y'all.

It's me in the flesh. (CHUCKLES)

Sprinkle Dinkle, y'all. (LAUGHS)

Hey. Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait a minute.

Brittany, is that you?

Mm, mm, mm.

Still got it, too.

Hey, y'all. Do y'all who this is?

This is my ex-boo.
You know what I mean?

My ex-boo thang. (CHUCKLES)

You know, some people may say
she the one that got away.

It's all good.
'Cause they always come back.

Boy, I'm not here for you, Carl.

It look like you threw a dead raccoon

over top of the "Thriller" jacket.

Uh... ha, ha, ha.

You know what I'm saying?

She over here trying
to make jokes and stuff.

Ha. It's all good. You know?

'Cause my name ain't Carl,
you know what I mean?

Trying to make a fool-lock
out of Doolock. I see.

That's your plan, huh?

Let me ask you a question.

- Still designing clothes?
- Yep.

Doolock got his own clothing line.

And what you don't realize is, boo,

this could have been both of us. Huh?

We could have been a power
couple. All this could be yours.

Couple manicures, his and her furs,

twin garages, swimming lessons.

Im-a backstroke by my damn self.

That's right, 'cause Doolock
is single and ready to sprinkle.

Let's do this, y'all!

(LAUGHS) Oh, lady.

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle

♪ Dettle ice cream

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle...

First, it was a song, then a dance

and now he got his own clothing line.

And nobody hates it but me.
I need you to hate it with me.

Okay, Brittany, you can't text
me and say it's an emergency

when you just jealous
of your ex-boyfriend.

First of all,
ain't nobody jealous of him.

But, look, this Sprinkle Dinkle
craze is worse than cancer, Rel.

There's a few people on this
floor that'll beg to differ.

Don't tell me how to feel, okay?

I just need you to be my friend

and hate Sprinkle Dinkle with me.

Or you could let go of that hate.

Let me tell you, today,
I've been, like,

changing over this racist
patient I have, right?

He started out really negative,
but I'm really getting to him.

I think when he leave here,
he gonna download SoulSwipe.

See, Brittany,
what you got to do is...

Look, great for you
and your racist, Rel.

Great. But I don't need
a lesson right now.

I just need a partner in hate.

All right, look, you my friend.

I guess I hate the song, too.

- Yes, thank you.
- ♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle ♪

♪ Dettle ice cream ♪

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle ♪

♪ Dettle ice cream ♪

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle ♪

♪ Dettle ice cream... ♪


I'm just saying, it's really catchy,

and it's got a nice beat to it.
It's really dope.

♪ And when I hit the streets,
all you hear is pop, pop ♪

♪ I make a girl scream
"More ice cream"... ♪

Hey, Tommy. How are you feeling

Good. Just very tired.

Well, that's completely normal.

So the surgery was a success,

but there was a complication
removing the clot

and you lost a lot of blood.

Well, not to worry.

We were able to perform a transfusion,

and now everything's fine.

Wow. T-Thank you.

Well, actually, you don't have
to thank me. You...

need to thank Rel.

He literally saved your life.

We had a problem with
the O negative blood supply,

and Rel donated on the spot.


We done come a long way, huh?

Well, you and I were just,

we were just yelling
at each other yesterday,

and today, my blood
literally saved your life.

Why would you do that?!

I don't want your disgusting
blood in me!

(GRUNTING) I'm gonna,
I'm gonna sue this hospital.

Why the hell would you do that to me?

J-Just drain me! Drain me!

Wait, wait, wait. You
gave this guy your blood?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, that's genius, Rel.

You put your black blood in a racist?

Oh, man, I'm proud of you, son.

Aw, man, I bet you his elbows
are ashy right now, man.

I am so proud of you, man.

Your ancestors are cheering you on.

Okay, okay, Dad, look, look.

I didn't do it
for my ancestors, all right?

I was just doing my job.

But man, you know,
instead of him thanking me

for saving his life,
he treated me like trash.

Oh, oh, I see.
I already told you once,

you can't change a racist, man.

What we need to figure out
is how to put some more

black organs in him.

Hey, Rel, I mean,
I know I was telling you,

"Hey, go high" and all that stuff,

but you went way higher
than I expected, bro.

I mean, you literally put
yourself in that man heart.

(SCOFFS) Michelle Obama
would be proud, man.

Man, see, it's not
about all that, man.

Like, I-I hate the fact
that he got me hating him.

You know? I mean, hate is so
contagious, man, I hate hate.

There is nothing I love
more than hate.

Here you go, Rel.

My hate made you this shirt.

Here you go, Milt.
My hate made you this hat.

And Nat, my hate made you
this quilted phone cover.

Damn, Brit, this is
a dope-ass phone case.

I know. See, at first, Doolock's
song annoyed me, right?

But then, I decided to be mature
and channel my hatred.

So I started designing and sewing,

and it's the most productive
I've ever been.

See, I realized Doolock
is the hate of my life.

Feels so good to be in hate.

(CHUCKLES) See, Rel? That's what
you got to do with hate.

You got to take it,
throw it right back at them.

Right. I took my power back.

Look here.
I don't want to hate nobody,

but I do want to take my power back.

(STAMMERS) Ah, you know,
I know exactly what I'm-a do.

All right? I'm-a go down there
and I'm-a demand an apology.

And if he doesn't give it to me,

I'm-a ask for my black blood back.

- Oh, hey, Rel...
- No, no, no, no.

Saved your life, all right?

- And I need you to say, right...
- I'm sorry.

Okay, that was easier
than I thought it was gonna be.

I mean, for real, I-I actually
was planning to come down here

and pretend like I was gonna
take your blood back.

And then turn on BET
until you beg for mercy.

Look, you know,
I overreacted yesterday.

And you treated me great
while I treated you terribly,

and you saved my life,
and, um, I am sorry.

You, Rel, have opened my eyes.

That's a good first step.

I mean, we got to communicate.

And I can honestly say that...'re one of the good ones.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

You said I'm one of the good ones?

Yeah. Yeah. Like, you're not living

off of government handouts, you're...

you're educated, y-you're well-spoken.

Excuse me?

Do you know how racist you sound?

I mean, even when you're not
even trying to sound racist,

you sound racist.

- How did you get like this?
- Now, look.

You don't understand, okay?

It's getting harder and harder
for a white man to succeed.

Okay? I-I've been... I've been
unemployed for three years

because the... these minority
caravans are taking our jobs.

Okay, whoa, whoa.
Okay, bro. You-you...

You talking about jobs? For real?

First of all,
y'all always had the jobs.

Okay? And second of all,

dude, if you stop going to all
these meetings and rallies

and just maybe go to a job fair or...

...or take some classes
or send a résumé...

Okay, you know,
o-of course you'd say that.

You-you need get off
the Democratic plantation.

(EXHALES) Okay, you know
something? I-I see what this is.

Right? For the first time
in your life,

you know, you're not just
getting something handed to you

based on the color
of your skin, right?

You got to earn it.
You got to be qualified.


Just a whiny, uneducated,
entitled little punk.

I'm not finna waste my breath
with you no more.

I did my job,
you'll be discharged shortly.

Oh, and I forgot.

Uh, we're gonna make sure
we bill your Obamacare.

I-I do not have Obamacare.

I have health insurance through
the Affordable Care Act.

Well, I hate to bust your bubble.

That is Obamacare.

That's right.

Barack been paying your bills,
and you didn't even know it.

(CHUCKLES) Surprise.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ You know who it is ♪

♪ It's Doolock, it's Doolock ♪

♪ It's Doolock, it's Doo ♪

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle ♪

♪ Dettle ice cream ♪

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle ♪

♪ Dettle ice cream ♪

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle ♪

- ♪ Dettle ice cream ♪
- ♪ Ice cream ♪

- ♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle ♪
- ♪ Ice cream ♪

- ♪ Dettle ice cream ♪
- ♪ Boy, ice cream ♪

♪ It's Doolock, got the fool-lock ♪

♪ And when I hit the streets,
all you hear is pop, pop ♪

♪ I make a girl scream
"More ice cream" ♪

♪ And I say, all I got
is cookies and cream ♪

♪ I'll tell you, my cream is bananas ♪

♪ I'm-a see your girl mañana ♪

♪ But I got that cheese instead ♪

♪ Talking about that
cheesy bread, diabetes ♪

- ♪ You goons are dead ♪
- ♪ You sick, fam ♪

♪ You don't want my banana bread ♪

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle ♪

♪ Dettle ice cream ♪

- ♪ You dead to me, fam ♪
♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle ♪

♪ Dettle ice cream ♪

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle ♪

♪ Dettle ice cream ♪

♪ Sprinkle, dinkle, doodle ♪

- ♪ Dettle ice cream ♪
- ♪ Yeah. ♪