Red Dwarf (1988–…): Season 7, Episode 3 - Ouroboros - full transcript

(WHOOSH)

All right? Anyone serving or what?

(WOMAN) With you in a minute, luv.

(BABY CRIES)

- Hello, Frank. What can I get you?
- Look what I found under the pool table.

- Any note?
- No, nothin'.

Oh!

They've written its name on the side here.

"Our Rob or Ross."

Look how it's spelt. They must've been
thicker than a ticket tout's wad.

- Couldn't even decide on a name.
- Oh, poor little mite.



I wonder what'll become of him?
Somethin' terrible, no doubt.

I hate doing that! I hate doing that!

(TINKLING)

Smeg!

I've just sneezed out me cap!

Just thought I'd change your linen
before you turn in for the night, sir.

Kryten, I've lost me cap.

No, here it is, sir. I've just finished
giving it its monthly scrape.

My tooth cap, the one you made
from the skeleton in medi-bay.

- Oh, I see.
- Hey! Here it is.

I need some glue to stick it in.
I've just got that needly, pointy thing.

- Let me see.
- No, it's all needly, pointy and disgusting.

Let me see, sir.
I'm a mechanoid. I won't be revolted.

OK.



Oh, my God! It's hideous!

(GIGGLES)

Yeah, very funny. Just fix it.

It'll take an hour to prepare
some dental adhesive.

Give me some wood glue.
You can redo it in the morning.

Wood glue? Are you sure, sir?
Don't get your lips glued together.

Oh, incidentally, I just found some
old clothes in one of the storage lockers.

Hey! I need a dressing gown.

Well, that's what I thought.
I thought if I remove the trim,

let it out a little bit,
obviously dye it, it could be just dandy.

Yeah. Nice one, Kryts.

Perhaps I could take the necessary
measurements now, sir?

I wonder why guys have nostril hair.

I think it's nature's way of telling you

it's time to buy a flat cap
and a pair of driving gloves, sir.

Worst are those guys who just let it grow.

They look like they've got half a loo brush
lodged up each nostril.

They look like those machines
that shine shoes.

Curious, isn't it, that most women
aren't similarly afflicted.

Obviously, I'm excluding women
who work in Oxfam shops.

Pain: It evens itself out, doesn't it?

Women have the agony
of childbirth and we have... this.

(WHINES) They don't know they're born!

What is wrong with me? Now I've got
a box of floss attached to me face!

Hey! Nice outfit!

- Did you come in here for a reason?
- Oh, yeah!

Something's showing up on the long-range
scan which is weird with a capital "WE".

- Can you be a tad more scientific?
- Come again?

Is it a wibbly thing or a swirly thing?

At this early stage, I'd hate to commit myself
and wind up looking a fool. See for yourself.

Wibbly thing or swirly thing...

and he refuses to commit himself?

He's losing it. He really is.

It's some kind of power surge causing a
major disturbance in the fabric of space-time.

It's also causing a major disturbance
in the fabric of my pants!

- It's almost like a tear.
- Perhaps a temporal rip.

I'm gonna turn this tub around
and try and outrun it.

Get real, man. That thing up there's going
faster than a copy of "Hello!" in a nunnery.

Suggest we treat it like a tidal wave and
head straight for the eye of the storm.

Are you sure about that?

Because intestines and a suit won't work
without colon-coloured accessories.

I need to know - should I change?

Cat, go for it, man. The eye of the storm.

We seem to be through the worst of it...

but I'm picking up some kind of sub-space
energy disturbance on the engineering deck.

You're right, sir. It's off the scale.

Now, for a sub-space energy disturbance,
I'm dressed perfectly.

Let's check it out.

According to the psi-scan,

the membrane between two realities
has temporarily collapsed.

This is some kind of hyperway
through non-space to a parallel dimension.

Let's have a goosey.

(TEARING AND WHOOSHING)

Careful, sir. The linkway's about
as stable as an Italian taxi driver

who's got stuck behind two old priests
in a Skoda.

What the hell is that?

Non-space, sir.
An abyss of infinite nothingness

where time doesn't seem to exist.

Sounds like Rimmer's organ recital night.

I recognise those guys. Wait. Don't tell me.

How's it going?

- You're a hologram.
- Hard light.

So in your dimension Lister died?

In the radiation leak
that wiped out Red Dwarf.

Why weren't you put into stasis like me?
What happened?

Remember coming back
from shore leave on Mimas?

I'd taken a couple of days off
to get over Kochanski. Yeah, I remember...

Where the hell have you been?
I've reported you as AWOL.

I've been on shore leave, man.
Didn't you get me message?

You're supposed to apply to a superior officer
before you get shore leave, Lister.

Look, Rimmer, give me a break.

Ever since Kochanski split with me,
I've needed time on me own.

- Kochanski dumped you?
- Yeah.

- She really dumped you?
- Yes!

You didn't tell me! You should've told me.
Are you really heartbroken?

- You know, man, you know...
- You are, aren't you?

OK, yes! Yes!

Didn't I tell you you'd never bridge
that class division?

Take her - navigation officer,
cadet school, Space Corps, well-spoken,

can stay awake during operas,
knows her cheeses.

She's class. And you? What are you?

I don't mean to sound cruel,
but in comparison you're scum.

And second-rate scum, at that.

But don't forget: I used to be fourth-rate scum.
I've dragged meself up by me bootstraps.

Listy, Listy, your type isn't Kochanski, Listy.

It's someone called Tiffany.
Someone who drinks Campari and soda

and wears orange crotchless panties,

someone who thinks deelyboppers are funny,

someone who says "sumfink"
instead of "something"

and laughs like a freshly-wounded moose
strapped to a cement mixer.

This from a man
who's had less sex than a lettuce.

Oh, ha-ha (!)

People who say "ha-ha"
have no sense of humour.

They just can't think of a witty retort.

Oh, ha-ha (!)

Ms Kochanski, ma'am.

I don't suppose you've read my proposal
for a new Space Corps salute?

It's just, I'm trying to get the support
of the officers.

I don't want to pressure you, but it is
rather important because if you like it,

that brings the overall total of officers
who are right behind it up to... one.

- Rimmer?
- Yes, ma'am?

- Have sex with someone. That's an order.
- Yes, ma'am. Right away.

'Ere. Ring this number. Say I sent you.
Tell them it's an emergency.

- Hi
- Hmm...

I just wanted to say, look,
I'm sorry for the Dear John. It was cowardly.

What? Oh, that! Sorry, I'd completely
forgot. It seems like years ago.

- It was last week.
- Was it?

- Mm-hmm.
- Must've got over it just like that.

Oh, come on, Dave.
We weren't going anywhere.

How could we? We never got out of bed.

There's more to life
than hanging out in your bunk,

eating delivery curries
and having fantastic sex.

- Frankly, I find that very hard to believe.
- I wanted to see if we could be friends.

- Do you mean give it another go?
- No, no.

- I'm, er... back with Tim now.
- Tim?!

That guy is such a poser!

The way he always wears that white suit
and that stupid, big floppy hat.

He's a chef.

Yeah, but the way he poses around in it,

in the officers' club,
smoking those black cigarettes.

- He's such a phoney.
- At least he's got a vocation.

And you think because I happen to be

vice-assistant vending machine deputy-minion
maintenance repair man, I'm nobody?

Well... yes.

Do you think a guy who brings on ten
free Crunchie bar samples every week

hasn't got connections?

- I just think...
- (MIAOWING)

Do you know what you'd get
for smuggling a cat on board?

- What? Cat-martialled?
- I could have you before a disciplinary board.

- How long before? Do I get chance to change?
- I'm serious!

As serving N.O., I'm supposed to report it!

So report it.
Get me put into stasis for six months.

Don't you know how dangerous it is
to smuggle in an un-quarantined animal?

I was lonely. I'd just been dumped
by me girlfriend.

It breaks every reg in the manual.

(BEEPING)

Just don't get caught
or I'm out cold for six months, OK?

So you didn't get put into stasis
and died with the rest of the crew?

- Then Holly brought me back as a hologram.
- What happened to Kochanski?

They found the cat,
and she got six months in stasis.

So does that mean...?

Hi.

- You look great!
- You look pretty amazing yourself.

So in this dimension, you didn't die?
You're an alternate version of Dave.

I think of meself as the definitive version,
honed to perfection by time and evolution.

I can see why you'd think that.

Sirs, ma'am, we've scarcely two hours

before the dimensional tear self-repairs
and we lose the linkway.

I suggest we might spend some of that time
exchanging supplies and information.

We could update your hydrogen RAM-drive
to a tachyon-powered engine core.

And in return, maybe we can unscrew
all those old pickle jars you can't open.

- There is something you could do for us.
- Yeah?

At some point, I want to have children.

It's a slightly pervy thing to ask, especially
since we've just met, but perhaps you could...

- Yeah?
- After all, we've been... you know, lovers...

- Perhaps you could...
- Yeah?

- Fill this up.
- I'd rather be standing a bit closer.

It's a self-gamete mixing-in vitro tube.
I'm already in there.

It just needs your... contribution.

So it worked out for you guys, then.

I couldn't be more happy. Well, outside
a major dental surgery with a rusty knife.

Congratulations.

Gelf ship! Somehow they've managed
to infiltrate non-space!

Kris, give me your hand!

Hang on to me feet, man!

It's gonna give!

(GRUNTS)

- She's really something, isn't she?
- Who is?

Officer Bud-Babe.

In fact, I'm barely hanging on to my title
as most gorgeous creature on this ship.

Oh, what am I talking about? Am I crazy?

Cat, man, we're under attack. It might be
an idea to get us the smeg out of here.

What happened? I thought I'd lost you!

- I think you've mistaken me...
- Shh!

- What were you saying?
- Forget it.

Oh, dear! Sir, I think Miss Kochanski's
under the delusion that you're...

- Not now, Kryten.
- But you don't understand.

Miss Kochanski thinks...
- I've handled it, OK?

Now, go make some sweet tea or something.

- Er... Permission to speak, sir?
- Permission refused!

- Wait a minute. This isn't the medi-bay.
- You must have mistaken me for your Lister.

- That's what I've been trying to tell you!
- Were you?

If only you'd listened to me,
I could have saved you from all that yuckiness.

Is that the kind of guy you are?

Someone who'd take advantage of a woman
who's half insensible?

I was gonna tell you, honestly.

They always taught me in school
it was rude to talk with your mouth full.

Wait, you mean I'm stuck here with you?

Priscilla, Queen of Deep Space?
No way. I've gotta get that linkway back!

(CRASH)

It's not exactly possible at the moment.
We're under attack.

- It's back on our tail!
- What is it?

Some Gelf battle cruiser.

They've sent a scan, sir. Take a look.

Oh, my God. It's the missus.

- The what?
- Mr Lister's Gelf bride.

We all went to the wedding.
It was just beautiful.

- He married this?!
- He had to.

- You mean...?
- We were in a fix! We needed an engine part.

You should visit the orang-utan house at
London Zoo. Your eyes would be out on stalks!

They're opening comms channels. Sir,
they're demanding you return to your bride.

In Gelf law, separation is impossible

without special dispensation
from Hakakhhak-kkhhak...

hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk,

Chief Justice of hakhakhk-aahkahkh

hkhakkhaakhaaakah-akkk-hhakaaaak
kak-akk-hakkakak ka ka ka.

OK, patch me into the MCN,
and I'll lay down an SS line.

- You'll what, Officer BB?
- Quadrant 4-9-2 stroke G-8-7,

moving across
to Quadrant 2 to Q-4-1 stroke 9.

- Just follow my coords.
- Your cords?

- Yeah, my coords.
- Follow your cords?

- Is that a problem?
- You're not talking about trousers, are you?

Coordinates.

Coordinates! Thank you!

20 degrees starboard on this next 'berg.

They're right on our tails.

Hold this line. Keep holding...

Keep holding...

Lift now!

Pretty snazzy!

Still no sign of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.
We're fast running out of time.

- I know. It's good, isn't it?
- No, sir. I don't believe it is.

- Don't you like her?
- I'm a mere mechanoid, sir.

Hardly my place to point out
what a... bossy old trollop she is.

- Good kisser, though.
- She knew that was you all along, sir!

She was merely trying you out
to compare you with her Mr Lister.

Apparently, he's quite something.
Initially, a soft-light hologram,

that's made him sensitive and caring
in a way most men aren't.

You mean he can remember anniversaries
and stay awake for several seconds after sex?

He's every woman's dream guy, sir.
He even enjoys shopping for shoes!

- Jesus...
- A human male

who's prepared to have in-depth discussions
about "relationships".

Eurgh!

We're talking about
someone quite exceptional, sir.

- Where does that leave me?
- Well, that leaves you...

trying to help me
get her back to her rightful ship.

She can't stay here, sir.

She just can't!

Kryten, man, are you OK?

(WHINES) I just know
we're not gonna be able to get rid of her!

Is that so terrible?

She's gonna take you away from me!
I just know it!

What?!

I took her a glass of milk
when she was showering.

I've seen her naked!

So?

She's got all those in-and-out bits
that you like.

Kryten, no matter what happens,
you and me, we're compadres, amigos.

But that's all gonna change if she stays!
You'll end up liking her more!

- I won't! I won't!
- You will! You will!

I won't! I won't! I won't!

- You promise?
- I promise.

So if she walked in here now
and took all her clothes off

and said, "Oh!
Make love to me, you horny dude,"

and I said, "Perhaps you'd prefer
to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?"

What would you do?

What kind of sheets would they be?

Those nice cotton ones with the pattern.

- The blue stripy ones or green square ones?
- The green square ones.

So it's making love to Kochanski

or folding sheets with you?

- Can I do final fold-and-stack?
- Absolutely.

- It'd be sheets, then.
- She's standing there all naked

with all the in-and-out bits
going all inny and outy?

It'd be the sheets, Kryt.
You and me. Hospital corners.

- Really?
- Too true.

(SQUEALS) You're lying!
You're just trying to make me feel better!

Oh! Why can't she be more
like Mr Rimmer? He was perfect!

He didn't have any in-and-out bits
hardly at all.

There's no one I care more about
than you, OK?

I'd never dump you like she did! Never!

- That's not gonna change.
- Never?

Never.

- (SQUEALS) You're lying!
- I'm not lying!

Yes, you are! I'm gonna end up on my own
just like I did on the Nova 5!

You killed the crew, Kryten!

No wonder you ended up on your own!
It was an accident, but nevertheless...

But what about before that?
It was the same on the SS Augustus.

They all died of old age!

You see?!

(BLEEPING)

I thought I'd lend a hand and see
if I could help you get out of here.

I've got a positive trans-dimensional trace,
but I still can't re-establish the linkway.

I'm sure it's something to do
with electro-magnetic phasing frequencies.

- You took the words right out of my mouth.
- Have you tried reversing the signal?

We'll need a power re-route
in the auxiliary power drives.

I'll take care of that... whatever it is.

It's the big red button there, sir.

Hey, Officer Bud-Babe,
that power simillililillum-linilillum drive?

Taken care of.

You don't like me, do you?

- Ma'am?
- You don't, do you?

Ma'am, I think it would be more efficient
if we spent our energies

trying to re-establish the linkway.

- But why...?
- Please.

- I mean...
- Ma'am!

- I need to know why!
- Do you indeed?

- Yes.
- You're not good enough for him! That's all.

OK, he may walk around
smelling like a Balti house laundry basket,

but he doesn't need the likes of you
swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow

and bewitching him with all your...
in-and-out bits, all pointy and unnecessary.

You've got big problems, you know that?

Well, at least I don't have a ridiculous walk,
unlike some people.

Huh! Have you seen the way YOU walk?

I have a perfectly sensible walk.

At least I don't walk like this:

(BLEEPING)

Phaser frequency 4-3-4. We've got it back!

What? You're right! That's it!

- I can leave!
- You can leave!

Here's the 2,000 bulbs of garlic
your Lister wanted.

Phew-wee!

I may just have my nose hermetically sealed.

Is this right? 18 crates of curry
and no pasta at all?

(MOUTHS)

Champagne, everyone! If this doesn't deserve
a celebration, I don't know what does!

- What are we celebrating exactly?
- (MOUTHS SILENTLY)

You've found your crewmates at last!
How wonderful!

- Thanks, Kryten.
- I must go and find the others.

This is for you.

It wasn't easy.

I'm not exactly awash with helpful material here.

I had to use one of Rimmer's
old James Last albums -

a girl in a yellow crocheted miniskirt
doing the twist.

It was like peeling an orange
with a chopstick.

- I didn't need to know that.
- Anyway, it's all worked.

Just pop that in the uterine simulator
in your medi-lab and... bingo.

- Wow!
- Our child.

I'll... you know.

- I know.
- Any advice?

- For the baby, I mean.
- What, advice about life and stuff?

Well, tell it you can always park
nearer than you think.

Don't go to Sweden. Avoid sprouts.

Oh, and if you're a guy,

never chop up hot chillies then go for
a leak without washing your hands first.

It feels like a bomb's just gone off
in your pants.

That's it.

A lifetime's worth of wisdom
crammed into under a minute.

As soon as it's old enough,
I'll tell it all about you.

Apart from how you eat spaghetti.

Just make it understand why I'm not there.
I don't want it ending up like me.

What happened to you was really rough.
The pool table, no note, no explanation...

I think that's why I spent most of
my early life drifting, you know?

I didn't have anything to live up to 'cause
I didn't know who I was, where I came from,

just those two names they couldn't decide
on calling me - Rob or Ross.

Hey... I'll look after it. You know I will.

Yeah, I know.

Excuse me, sir.
Just doing a spot of dusting here.

Look, this is probably a long shot,
but if we can hit the right settings,

it may be possible to communicate
trans-dimensionally.

See you.

Bye.

- What's this?
- Supplies from Bud-Babe's ship.

- No, this.
- It's the symbol for infinity.

The snake eating its own tail, and thus
completing the everlasting circle of life

that has no beginning or end.

- What's it doing on here?
- The crate used to contain Ouroboros batteries.

- Everlasting.
- Ourobo-what?!

Ouroboros, sir, it's the name of the symbol.

- What is it, bud?
- Ouroboros...

It wasn't "Our Rob or Ross", it was Ouroboros.

What was?

The message that was written
on the side of me box!

You came in a box? That explains everything.

I know who my parents are.
I know who I am. I understand now.

Explain, sir. The in-vitro tube,
the one Kochanski's got.

The frozen embryo - it's me!

At some point if the baby's born,
we must go back in time

and leave him under the pool table
at the Aigburth Arms.

We wrote Ouroboros on the box to explain!

I'm my own father...
and Kris is my ex-girlfriend and me mum!

You should write a letter to "Playboy".
I bet you anything it'd get printed.

I've gotta get that test tube back.

Wait!

- What?
- I need the in-vitro tube! It's me!

It's what?

The Gelfs are back!

- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna jump!

- You'll never make it!
- Kris, no!

- Kristine!
- We've lost her, sir.

No. No!

Kristine!

(PHONE RINGS)

- Yeah?
- Hi, it's me.

- Hi.
- I've decided to stay. Just one proviso...

- Yeah?
- Save my life, OK?

Cargo bay. Looking now.

What's this?

Mountaineering equipment
from Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.

A crossbow?

I thought it might come in handy
next time you run into your wife.

(KOCHANSKI) You've got about 20 seconds
before I'm out of reachI

Rope?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I'm getting a mite panicky hereI

Argh!

Bastard!

(PHONE RINGS)

It's an obscene phone call, sir.
I think it's for you.

I've brought you a drink, but don't think
it means I've gone all mushy on you.

I'm gonna get up and work out a way
of re-establishing that linkway.

It's too late, ma'am. The rip's self-repaired.

- (WHINES) We're stuck with you!
- I'm gonna try anyway.

Oh, ma'am?

Yes, Kryten?

Welcome aboard.

Thanks, Kryten.

For a long time, you'll think that you were
abandoned, but you weren't, man.

You were put here to create a paradox,
an unbreakable circle.

With us going round and round in time,
the human race can never become extinct.

We're like... a kind of holding pattern.

I'll see you, son.

# It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #