Red Dwarf (1988–…): Season 12, Episode 6 - Skipper - full transcript

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, hey! Officer Smegski.

How's it going, non bud?

I'm busy, don't disturb me.

Last time you disturbed me,
I was doing the safety check.

And, I failed to notice
that the diesel decks were flooded.

All I said was, "Help, I'm on fire."

And it distracted me. I had to break off
from what I was doing and put you out.

I was just cooking, is that a crime?

As far as I'm concerned,
you're not allowed to cook.



You always get distracted
by your reflection in the spatula

Man, that is such a cliché.

I can look at myself in a mirror
without getting distracted.

Hey!

Cat.

Cat.

- Cat!
- Wh... Wha... What?

(STUTTERING) Where am I?
What's happening?

You'll never guess what me
and Kryten have found.

We've been going through Human Resources

and found Captain Hollister's
crew appraisal files.

You shouldn't be reading those.
They're for the Captain's eyes only.

Why do you think we're reading them?

This is mine. Check this.



David Lister, although clearly
quite bright, is lazy, slovenly,

rebellious, unreliable,
rude and disorganized.

You hear that?
He thought I was quite bright.

How cool is that?

- Let me see mine.
- No, no, no.

He'll only read the good parts.

Lister, hand it over.

Okay. This is you.

"Arnold J Rimmer comes
from an outstanding military family,

"his three brothers
all hold positions of command

"and are hugely respected members
of the Space Corp.

"Arnold, however has not succeeded
to the same blah blah blah,

largely due to his blah blah blah blah blah,
consequently and rather tragically,

"he's found he has never attained

"any of the blah blah blahs
he's set himself.

"In summary, he will never get
blah blah blah in life

"while he continues to blame everyone
for his own failings."

Blame people? I don't blame people.

And even if I do, I got that off my Mum.
She's a huge blamer.

It's not my fault
I never made anything of myself.

What chance did I stand
stuck with you lot?

How's it our fault?

You're supposed to surround yourself
with people who are brighter

and more successful than you.

You have.

Quite bright.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm trying to get Mr. Lister
to adopt a healthier lifestyle.

Fruit? You've got more chance

of getting a vampire
to eat garlic bread.

Goodness, have you seen this
on the mid-range scan?

It's quite terrifying!

I've told Lister a hundred times

not to use my passport photo
as the screen saver.

Front on has never been my best side.

And why he wants to Blu-Tack
a piece of doner kebab meat

to the screen, to make me look like
Freddie Mercury, is beyond me.

Just clean it off.

No, sir, you don't understand,
the scanner's picked something up.

What is that?

It appears that some kind of anomaly
has penetrated our universe.

I hate people who use the word anomaly,

they think they're so cool.

"Oh, look, here's an anomaly,
anomalling away.

"I'm really cosmologically 'on trend'
because I know what anomaly means."

It's just a fancy-smancy word for weird.

Sir, something weird
has penetrated our universe

which appears to have caused
a giant lesion

across the space-time continuum.

Is it okay to say 'lesion', sir?
Or would you prefer me to say 'cut'?

Lesion, cuts,
they're both the same to me,

it's the people
who say continuum I can't stand.

Whatever it is, sir,
it's heading our way.

- Could we out-run it?
- (SCOFFS) Sir,

Red Dwarf can't out run a fat guy
with a backpack of uranium

who's just scuffed a family fun bucket.

(RUMBLING)

What the hell was that?

Some crazy quake thing.

You think it's serious?

Listen. Unless the chick
with the really calm voice

starts talking it ain't serious.

CALM VOICE LADY:
Please remain calm.

There is no need for alarm.

It's serious. Start panicking!

CALM VOICE LADY: Can all crew
please return to their quarters,

so we can begin a body count
of the survivors.

We ain't going to no sleeping quarters.

We're going up to the science room,
find out what the hell's happening!

Damn right.

- What just happened?
- I don't know.

We were in the corridor
heading to the science room.

Let's think about this.

- Make us a coffee, would you?
- Hey, I'm a cat,

I ain't making you coffee.

Milk and two sugars, right?

Cheers, man.

I just made that?

When did I just make that?

Why did I just make that?

What the hell's going on?

I don't know, but I like it.
Got any biscuits?

I ain't getting you no biscuits.

Biscuits?

Weird.

What just happened? Is Red Dwarf okay?

Running a damage report now, sir.

(BEEPING)

And?

(FASTER BEEPING)

And?

(FASTER BEEPING)

As Louis the XVI might have said,
had he been in the exact same situation:

- 'Et?'
- According to the computer,

I haven't requested a damage report.

- But I just saw you request one.
- And I did, sir.

Right, new plan, let's not request
a damage report, instead...

(COMPUTER GRINDING) Results now in.

Was there some sort of time lag?

(GRINDING CONTINUES)

We shouldn't tell the others
until we get to the bottom of this.

Can Mr. Lister and Mr. Cat

please make their way
to the science room.

How did I get here?

I didn't see you move.

I wonder.

Permission to try an anomalous,
I mean weird, experiment, sir.

- How weird?
- just moderately weird, sir,

say a 1989 Michael Jackson.

Now, here's what I want you to do.

Make a decision
and if my theory is correct,

when you've made the decision,

the choice you don't make
will be the result.

The choice I don't make?

I have it.

What would you like me
to throw you, sir?

This apple or this orange?

The apple.

What? That's not possible.

You threw me an apple.

Well, according to the Many Worlds
interpretation of reality,

every choice not taken results
in the formation of a new universe

that creates a new timeline

and plays out the choice not taken.

But now, due to the lesion,

we are getting the results
of the choices we haven't made

feeding back to us.

That's more than
moderately weird, Kryten.

That's more like a 1993 Michael Jackson.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

So what do you think is happening?

I think I know,
but I need to test me theory.

So, test it!

Okay, you ready?

Ready.

OK then.

Make my breakfast.

I ain't making you breakfast.

(HUMMING)

More bacon, bud?

I've already had breakfast.
I'm not going to eat this.

(INAUDIBLE)

I'm going to eat this.

I don't get it.

Whatever choice you make,
the choice you don't make happens.

We should go tell Kryten
and helicopter landing pad head.

Good idea, but first tidy my bunk.

I ain't tidying your bunk!

Oh! I get it now.

Oh, do you?

- Yeah.
- Well. Polish my boots.

(HESITATINGLY) I ain't, not going
to not polish your boots.

Damn it!

You miscounted your ain't and nots.

So what's the plan?

Well, I say, let's not walk down
the corridor

and not get the lift
to the Science Room.

- And not find the others?
- Exactly.

My kind of mission, let's do nothing.

(BUZZES)

You had a choice to make
between the lift and the stairs.

I didn't think and just chose the lift.

So here we are, on the stairs.

Two hundred and twenty nine floors
above G deck.

So what are we gonna do now?

We just got to decide
not to use the lift

and continue walking down the stairs.

I think we're getting the hang
of this now. Whoo! (HOOTS)

No!
(BUZZES)

It was instinct!

Look, if you want to call a lift,
you've got to decide not to call a lift,

and then, a lift will be called.

Hey, I'm not a moron.

Which in this reality,
makes you a moron.

It's just a question
of remembering to do the opposite.

So here's the plan,

we're gonna continue
to walk down the stairs,

we're going to continue not to go
to the science room

where we won't speak
to Kryten and Rimmer

and we definitely won't find out
what the smegging hell is going on.

(BEEPS)

Have you figured out
what's hell's happening yet?

I believe I have sir.

May I suggest, we don't stay here
and we don't discuss

- the peculiar events taking place.
- Definitely not.

I don't agree with any of that.

Are You guys nuts?

We gotta stay here and figure out
what the hell's happening.

ALL: No!

You are so not a moron.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

As we all know, every single decision
every person rejects,

creates a new universe.

Which leads us to believe
there is a universe somewhere

where every possible thing
that could happen, happens.

So somewhere, there's a universe
where you get to the point?

And, a universe
where double denim with crocs is cool?

There'll probably even be a universe
where I return to my old ship

and apply for a new post.

I can just picture their faces,

"Oh, but you're just a bog bot,

"fit only for cleaning toilets."

And I say, "just toilets?
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

"Is that what you think?

"So, how come I can do this?"

And I take them all down
to their Science Deck

and I mop that floor.

It makes you think though,

all those decisions
you've made in your life,

somewhere, a different version of you

is living out the opposite
of all your decisions.

What a life he must be having,
that lucky bastard.

All the women who said "no" to me
in this universe, said "yes" to him.

Hmmm. All two of them.

So, what's caused this lesion?
Have we any ideas?

Well, I believe it may be a result
of an experiment I've been testing.

ALL: You?

I've been trying to create
a portable device

that allows the user to quantum skip
to other universes.

So, what's gone wrong?

It appears it's worked,

but I may have
slightly miscalculated the settings

and ripped a hole in space time.

So wait a minute,

you built a Quantum Skipper
on board Red Dwarf? How?

Well, not so much built as repaired,

it was among the tech we salvaged
from the Quantum research station

we visited last month.

So, hang on. Are you saying
if we tweak the settings,

we can fix the lesion
and Quantum skip between universes?

- Indeed.
- Why would we want to do that?

What's so great about here?

It's got me.

I can't leave, I'm the last human being
in this universe,

I've got responsibilities.

What about you Kryten?

I need to stay here
and look after Mr. Lister.

Without me, he'd fall apart
quicker than a Jabba the Hutt diet plan.

Oh, Kryten give over.

Uh, sir, that power line's live,
it's best not to suck it.

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
(SHOCKS)

Cheers, Krytes.

Kryten, when will this Quantum skipper
be up and running?

Well, I hope to have the lesion closed
and the skipper fully functioning

in a few hours, sir.

- So, you're going then?
- Of course, I am.

It's a chance for a new life,
a fresh start.

New people. Better people.

He should do this.

Who knows, maybe
there's another universe out there

where he isn't such a giant loser.

Even with an infinite number
of universes,

that's going to take some finding.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm recalibrating the settings now.

(BEEPING) So, have I got a menu
to choose from?

Oh, not as such sir,

but all the dimensions

should, in some way,
be closely connected to our own

and skipping between realities should be
relatively straight forward,

although the Quantum skipper

does require recharge time
between skips.

So, what do I do
to quantum skip out of here?

Why so long? Come on, tell him!

You simply press this button here, sir

and you will be transported
to a random universe

within the multiverse.

Now, is there anything you want to say
before you go?

Well, as you know, I'm not one
for long farewell speeches,

but, I have written this.

See ya!

(BEEPS)

(EXHALES)

This is just Red Dwarf.

I thought I was going to quantum skip
somewhere good.

Morning, Arnold.

Morning, Holly.

Holly? When is this? Where am I?

It's Monday and you're in a corridor.

Anything else I can help you with?

Are you still senile?

I've never been senile.

I was a dancing cabbage for a while

but I'm over that now.

Turned out it was some corrupted files.

So you're sane again?
Have you been tested?

I 'm a computer that runs the ship.

I 'm tested every month.
Of course, I've been tested.

I'm always being tested.

Can you prove that?
Have you got a certificate?

Well, no, I failed the tests.

I forgot to turn the paper over.

I didn't realize there were two sides.

- Bradley?
- Get back to work, Rimmer.

The crew are alive?

- Yes, Arnold.
- The original crew?

Yes, Arnold.

Captain Hollister?

Nobody's dead, Arnold.

Todhunter?

Nobody's dead, Arnold.

Not even Petersen?

- Nobody.
- Nobody's dead? Not even Lister?

Gordon Bennett,

Lister, Petersen, nobody.

Nobody is dead. Nobody is dead, Arnold.

So hang on, you're telling me
nobody's dead?

I wish I'd never bought this up now.

How is this any better
than where I came from?

Where's Lister?
Where is that little goit?

He's in stasis.

He smuggled an unquarantined animal

on board, so got thrown
into suspended animation.

So wait.

How did you all survive the radiation
leak that wiped out all the crew?

There hasn't been
a radiation leak, Arnold.

Are you sure?

Sorry to break off, Arnold,
I've got to make an announcement.

(BUZZING)

Radiation leak alert!

(SIREN WAILING)

Radiation leak alert!

All crew should run around screaming.

Oh, my God! It's happening now!

According to this wall console,

a cadmium two radiation leak,

and it's sweeping it's way
through the ship.

We've lost the entire port side.

Not just the port, the sherry,
the brandy,

we've lost the entire bar deck.

(BEEPING) Damn this needs
more recharge time.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

- Captain?
- Oh, Rimmer.

Man this is embarrassing.

What are you doing?

I was trying to go down with the Dwarf
do the right thing,

when suddenly,
I tripped into this escape pod.

Thought I was pressing the "get me out
of this damned thing

"I want to die nobly
with my crew" button,

only it turned out to be
the "get me home fast" switch.

Now, it's launching.

Just press that emergency open switch,
take me with you.

I'd like to invite you along Rimmer,
but as you can see,

it's only a four seater,
so there's only room for me.

But, sir, I thought all good captains
went down with their ships.

They do. Laters.

(BUZZING AND THUDDING)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPING)
Oh, nuts.

(BUZZING)

(SIGHING) What reality's this?

(BEEPING)

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, it's you.

Ah sir, there you are,
we're about to eat.

Kryten, where is this? Where am I?
Where's Lister?

Are you feeling quite all right, sir?

I've just Quantum skipped
from another reality,

I'm looking for something better
than the one I came from.

What's Lister like here?

Well, he's a lovely, kind, hard-working,
wonderful man,

an absolute delight to be with.

Evening, chaps.

We have a new Mr. Rimmer, sir,

he's Quantum skipped into our universe.

That's a shame,
I rather liked the old Rimmer.

Is there something wrong with you?
You don't like me.

Of course, I like you,
we're space chums.

Are you different from my Lister?

A guy who cleans his teeth
and pees in the toilet simultaneously

even though the basin and the toilet
are in different rooms?

That's disgusting, I'd never do that.

Oh by the way, Kryten, later on,
I need your help.

I want to re-label my collection
of vintage wires.

(EXCITEDLY) You've got a collection
of vintage wires?

Actually, I'm quite excited because
I've just added a digital coaxial audio

and a 25-pin parallel port printer

to my not inconsiderable collection.

I'm really loving what I see here.

Mr. Rimmer, sir,

will you be joining myself,
Mr. Lister and Mr. Rat for dinner?

Of course I...

Mr. who?

(GONG SOUNDING)

Yo. Krytie!

Where's my dinner at?

What on earth is that?

Where's Cat?

Who's Cat?

You...

You got put into stasis

because, you smuggled your pet cat
on board.

No, I got put into stasis

'cause I smuggled my pet Rat on board

and then they all evolved
into these chaps.

Yeah!

But then, they left
to find the promised land

and had some
insane religious war, right?

No, they stayed here actually.
Been there, whacked down on G deck.

Yeah! And A deck.

And B Deck.

And C Deck.

Yeah. In fact, any damn deck we want.

Sometimes, they even sleep with me.

RAT: Mmmm!

Yeah.

He's so warm and snuggly!

Would you like some cheese sauce
on your cheese, sir?

Hell, yeah!

Well, thanks for the invite,
but I think I'll skip dinner.

(CLEARS THROAT)

This has got to be better
than Rat World,

(BUZZES)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

ALL LISTERS: Hey Rimmer!

Uh, no.

Where am I?

What reality is this?

Kryten, why can't I move?

Kryten!

(CLEANS SQUEAKILY)

Morning, sir.

(BEEPS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHANTING) Om!

No.

(GROWLING)
No.

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
RIMMER: No.

(ROARING)
RIMMER: No.

(SCREECHING)
RIMMER: No.

I'm human here.
At least, that's something.

(IN DISTINCT CHATTER)

Sir. Officer Rimmer, sir.

I'm an Officer?

I'm an Officer?

(BEEPS) Here I am.

"Rimmer. Navigation officer." Yes!

"Married." Yes!

"Children four." Are they boys?

Yes!

I've got everything I ever wanted here.

Uh, sorry sir, I forgot to mention,

the Captain wants to see you
in his office.

I'm passing by your quarters,

so, I'll let Mrs. Rimmer know
you'll be a couple of minutes late.

- Thank you, Parkinson.
- My pleasure, sir.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Rimmer, sir. You wanted to see me.

I run a fairly tight ship here Rimmer.

It's one of the reasons
I'm so universally respected.

Fancy a cold one?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Okay, a shot it is. What's your poison?

Lister, it's lunch time.

I mean, sir,

it's lunch time, aren't you on duty?

I'm always on duty, Rimmer.

When you're the Captain,
there's no down time.

- Cigar?
- No, thank you...

...sir.

Burger?

Nothing, sir.

I tell ya,

having one of these stasis booths
installed in my office

so day and night I've got
a constant supply of hot tasty snacks

frozen in time
was the best decision I ever made.

Perhaps, I should explain, sir.

I'm not your Rimmer.

I Quantum skipped from another universe.

Is that slang for getting slaughtered?

Are you familiar with the multiverse?

That strip club on Venus?

Okay, I went there once,
is that a crime?

All right, maybe twice.

Okay, I'm a lifetime member

but what happens on Venus,
stays on Venus.

My God,
how did you ever get to be Captain?

I spotted a faulty drive plate,

without me, this whole damn crew
would have been wiped out.

After that, it was up, up the ziggurat.
Lickety split.

Come on.

I'll show you to your quarters.

Here we go Rimmer.

The old bunk room.

Hasn't been used in years.

We're really home. And I'm alive,
not a hologram,

but an officer and a gentleman.

Looking forward
to getting home meself, actually.

- Seeing Krissie.
- Kochanski?

No, it's short for Crystal.

Met her at the Multi-verse.

She danced on table nine.

So, you're happily married
to a stripper, big deal.

And you're the Captain of a beaten up,
old mining ship,

doing jags up and down the Milky Way
every six months.

Why should I be jealous?

'Cause, when I fixed the drive plate,

they offered me some cash
to keep me schtum...

So you got a pay off?

No, I refused the settlement

and opted for shares. They said yes.

They had no idea we're gonna stumble
across a planet rich in Helium 7.

Made a fortune.

I can't live here.

- On Earth?
- In this Universe.

I can't live in a reality
where you're more successful than me.

You're home, on Earth. You're alive.

You've got everything you ever wanted.

It's not worth it.

The pain of it would be...

...too much.

(BEEPS)

Oh, come on. One more hand I want to win
match sticks back.

Oh, sir, you're back. (CHUCKLES)

Did you find a universe
where you felt less of a loser?

Deal him in.

Infinite clearly wasn't enough.