Red Dwarf (1988–…): Season 11, Episode 2 - Samsara - full transcript

Five!

One, two, three, four, five.

Fuel.

Well?

Mmmm...
What to do, what to do?

Free fuel - get refill for free,
and throw again.

Let's see.

How come you keep
getting great cards?

It's a mystery, isn't it?

I've never been beaten
at Mineopoly, Lister.

Undefeated since birth.



In the Space Scouts,

my game play was so legendary,
they called me Minotaur.

Is that cause you were half a man
who was full of bull?

Because I was like the
mythological beast

that no one could pass.

Well, you better not
throw a 2 and a 1 then, Rimmer.

Throw a 2 and a 1 and land on
my space station,

and your bank is 'rupted, baby.

Lister, I'm not gonna
throw a 2 and a 1.

The odds of that are...

eighteen to one.
It's not happening.

I win, you can't complain
about anything I do for entire week.

I remember the deal.

I win, I can move my lips
when I read.



I can leave peetra (?)
on the floor

so that you step in it.

I can even snore like an
inebriated warthog

and you can't throw
frozen onion bhajis at me.

The good times are gonna roll!

Lister, there's only gonna be
one winner here,

And that's votres truly.

And when I do, as agreed,

you are going to wear
an evening gown,

day and night,
until you can play

James Last's Polka Party
on the bagpipes.

Here we go!

Anything but a 2 and a 1.

A 2 and a 1.
Come to Daddy!

No willing it.

I'm willing it. I'm allowed to will it.
I'm willing it.

Stop willing it! You're good at willing it.
No willing it!

Come on...

Out! Doesn't count!
Doesn't count!

One of the dice
came off the table!

Re-throw required.

That doesn't count.

I used my hands, an illegal move.
Naughty me!

Re-throw required.

5,382 to 1.
No chance.

You couldn't make this up!

Wait.

You throw.

Swap chairs!

Throw.

Do you now accept that you
threw a 2 and a 1 and you lost this game?!

Okay!
I accept it!!

Just lucky for you,
I'm such a good loser!!!!

Hey,

This green blinky thing,
we've any idea what it is yet?

It's an escape pod, Sir.

And it seems to be emitting

an unclassified energy field

that's causing
minute disruptions

to everything in
the local vicinity.

Pretty much as I figured, then!

Talk in English, would ya!?

I'm not fluent in gibberish!!

This is the S.S. Samsara Escape Pod,
Ident 12/Beta Two.

Can you read me, over?

Y-yes, we copy, Ident 12/Beta two.

This is very important,
you must.....

What happened?!?
We lose the link?!?

No matter, Sir.

I'll remote control
the pod into the cargo bay.

Who eats ice cream in bed?
It's just utterly..

Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.

No complaining.

And no complaining about not being able
to complain about not complaining.

An entire week,

without being moaned at by you.

It doesn't get better than this!

Do you know what
the difference is

between you and me?

I can't store hand luggage
in me nostrils.

I am cursed.

I remember the day it happened.

I was nine years old and this
busker claimed he was an alien

and wanted to sell me
some lucky space dust.

Even at nine, I was no fool.

I knew he was real.

But all I had was my hover fare

to get me home from
baton twirling practice.

And as I walked off,
he cursed me for life

and I've never had
any luck since.

It was just some
homeless bloke, Rimmer,

trying to make a buck.

You cant take things
like that seriously.

Smeg happens.
You just roll with it.

I've been rolling in smeg
my whole damned life, Lister.

Don't lecture me
about smeg-rolling.

I never get the breaks.

Oh here we go,
"Whereas you..."

Whereas you...
"lead a charmed life."

lead a charmed life!
Well it's true - you do!

I'm alone in
deep space with you!

How charmed is that?!

The crew got wiped out,
you survived - that's charmed.

I survived to live the rest of my life
with you - not charmed!

I'm dead!
How unlucky is that?!?

You're dead but
you're still talking to me!

How unlucky is that?!?

Bing bong!

Sorry, Sirs. The bing bong machine
is being serviced this evening.

I'm afraid we're on manual.

Sorry to disturb,

but we've salvaged an escape pod
with two survivors.

One Colonel Jim Green,
and one Professor Rachel Barker.

We're just about to
open the booth

and take them to the
science room for debriefing.

Message ends.
Bing bong!

Acting Senior Commanding Officer
Arnold J. Rimmer,

an absolute pleasure
to meet you.

Uh, Sir. Uh.

Colonel Green,
and Professor Barker.

They're dead!

Hey, their medical
reports aren't in yet.

We shouldn't jump
to conclusions!

We spoke to Barker
then the link went down.

When we opened the pod,
we discovered this.

What happened?!?

Well, they appear
to have been vaporized, Sir.

Quite how and why,
we're not sure.

What do we know about them?

Well, the log
tells us that Green

was the ship's human

exploration and
mission director.

Barker was a computer scientist.

They were both married,
but not to each other.

Surprising!

They look like they'd be
the perfect match!

What became of the ship
the escape pod escaped from?

The S.S. Samsara.

Have we any idea
what happened to that?

Well, judging from the
pod's flight recorder,

and the fact that there is
no wreckage,

we believe the ship must have
crashed on this ocean moon.

It seems to me we should
do two things:

One - scatter the ashes.

And two - find this ship.

On to two, then.
Find this ship!

So, what are we
hoping to find here?

Faster than light drive,
quantum computer -

but to be honest,

I'd settle for a
bubble gum dispenser.

I wonder what happened
to Barker and Green.

Wrist please.
Thank you.

Sirs?

Professor Barker
reporting for duty.

Welcome to the Samsara,
Professor.

This is my colleague,
Colonel Green.

Anka.

We were both stationed on
Caicos 12, Sir.

Ah, Caicos 12, of course, yes.

We discovered my wife attended

the same college
as your husband.

I must get on.
I'll catch up with you later, Jim.

Now remind me,

You were a computer
scientist specializing in...

What was it again?

I've missed you much!

I thought you'd never
get the transfer.

Nor me.

Let's go to my quarters.

Look at this dust.

I love dust.

After fluff, it's my
all-time favorite dirt!

We've any idea what caused
this crate to crash?

Nothing yet, Sir.

It's a state-of-the-art
research ship,

with self-repairing
engine parts!

Crashing should have been
out of the question.

What's this?!

Well, you can see
why they crashed.

Tell me about it.

How can you fly a space ship,

and at the exact same time,

all play Twister?!

I don't think it was Twister
they were playing.

Not properly, that's for sure.

Twister is a
three-player game.

Everyone here's just
waded right in!

Hey!
Wait your turn, buddy!

What's the rush?

This is worst and fresh
as we got in art school.

How did they die like this?
It doesn't make sense.

According to the phys scan,

they were flash-heated to death!

An instant blast

of extreme temperature
killing them instantly,

but preserving their body positions.

Spooky!!

Agreed, Sir!

A cold chill has just run
straight down my spine.

Eh, that was me - just spilled
some lager down your back.

Who turned that on?

The mainframe probably
detected us.

Check this!

According to his dog tag,
this man was the captain.

Tom Cadry.

Indecipherable gibberish.

What kind of writing is that?
Gelf?

Looks like Welsh after
about 15 pints.

Strange, that dialect is not
on my data base.

Maybe it is Welsh after
about 15 pints.

I wonder...

Sir,

would you mind sitting down?

What, me?

Dictation on.

Permission to strangle you, Sir.

What?!
Granted!

So maybe the captain
was strangled,

by this person here,
who's been stabbed!

Perhaps the next hub
will offer a clue!

Thanks for that, Kryten.
Very well explained!

Jim, I'm so sorry I'm late!

That's all right.
It's only been an hour.

I think I must have eaten
some bad fish last night.

I've been feeling really ill.

Shall we go to your place?

What happened to your back?

Argh - herniated disc.

I've been having
the worst luck recently.

Nothing of interest here.
Let's try the next one.

Look at this!

A one-armed bandit!
How cool is this?!?

I need a coin!

I'm an orphan, ain't I?

Why can't I take money
from the orphan fund?

Are you really going to take it?

Who's gonna know?

Only you.

And your conscience.

Forrreeeevvvveeerrrr!!

Just relax, would ya?

Ooh!
What was that?

What was what?

Something just dripped
on my head from the ceiling.

Where?

Up there, I think.

What the hell is happening?!?!

Get me outta this thing!!!

I'll get something to cut it!
Don't move!!

Like I'm gonna move!!

Sorry!

I saved you, Bud!

Whatever you do, don't move!!

I gotta knife in my foot!
You think I can move?!

I'm just going to ease it out.

Ease it out, right?!?

Nice and easy.

And you're not just saying
that to make me relax

'cause you think the best thing to do
is to jerk that sucker outta there

with one big-assed yank!?
Aaaargh!!

I had no choice!
It was the only way to get it out!

I think I've gone blind!

It-it must be something
to do with my foot!

I got foot-in-eye
disease!!

Cat, relax man.
It's just a power cut.

What a relief!

For a second there I thought
I'd never see myself again!

Plus having to choose
an outfit every day

that matches your guide dog!!

Don't even go there!

The door's locking!

Sir, the doors are double-sealed.
We'll never get through!

So what do we do?!

Suggest we head for
the next chamber,

and see if there's
an access port

back to the main hub.

Where's your torch?

I left it in the other chamber!

I left mine, too.
I can't see a thing!

Give my eyes a minute to adjust.

Oh, wow!

What? They're readjusting?
What'd you see?

That it's really dark?

Can't you see that?

Of course I can see that,
you smeghead!

Well you can see
in the dark, right?

With your super-seey
cat's eyes, right?!

And you can swing
from trees, right?

With your super-swinging
monkey arms, right?!

We evolved!

So did we!

Who'd evolve so that they
can't see in the dark!?

Who'd evolve so they
can't swing from trees?!

You'd never be late
for anything!

Kryten!

Rimmer!

Help!!!

I suppose we've just
gotta sit tight.

I'm gonna fix my foot.

I'll get the first aid kit.
You sit down.

Can't see a thing!

What the hell was that?!?

Ship's slipping into the mush.

W-we're gonna die,
I just know it!

How come you're
so damned chill?!?

We've gotta stay cool,
haven't we?

We don't want the ship
sliding any more.

We'll sit tight here,
fix your foot,

wait for the others to find us,
and then we get out of town.

You're right.
Stay calm.

We've got food, water,

everything we need!

You and me,

we can survive in here for days,
weeks, months even!

Just the two of us!

Kryten!!!!!

Sir!
Are you okay?

I think so.

What is that?!

I believe it's a Karma Drive, Sir.

A what?

It's based on the old
Justice World tech,

where the pain an individual
inflicts on another

is redirected back on them.

With one important difference -

the Karma Drive has two modes.

A punishment setting,
and a reward setting.

What's the point of that?

They were designed for
long-haul space missions.

They were intended
to promote teamwork,

reward kindness, understanding,
and ethical behavior.

So, how does it work, exactly?

Well it creates a Karma field
that analyzes behavior,

and then manipulates reality
to reward or punish.

So when you behave ethically,
the ship rewards you.

How?

Your coffee is fresh,
your shower is warm,

your food is tasty.

Well that doesn't make sense.

Morality changes across
time and cultures.

Once slavery was
an accepted way of life.

Now it's considered repugnant.

Who decides what's
immoral and moral?

Well, it's programmable, Sir.

And that's what made
the Karma Drive

such a dangerous piece of kit.

Anyone can implement
the moral code of their choice,

and then force others
to live by it.

I wonder if that's what happened
to me on Red Dwarf

when I lost at Mineopoly.

Did Red Dwarf enter
the Karma Drive's field?

Was the drive manipulating
the dice somehow?

I don't understand, Sir.

I threw a 2 and a 1
seven times in a row.

What are the odds of that?

62 million to 1, Sir.

About the same as being killed
by a tangerine.

Why punish me?
I wasn't doing anything wrong!

Kryten, this Karma Drive
is too unpredictable.

We've gotta get
out of here pronto.

Sir, there is no
cause for alarm.

We're under no danger

as long as we don't do
anything vindictive,

selfish, or unethical.

Kryten, we're in big trouble.

Sir, you just have to
be nice to me.

Big, big trouble.

The Karma Drive report has just
come down from central ops,

and it doesn't make for
pleasant reading.

You both have committed
a whole range of misdemeanors.

There's a Karma Drive on board?

Last week alone:

Extra-marital sex 18 times?

Extra-marital fondling 67 times!

Extra-marital licking whipped cream off...
We get the picture!

It goes on!

You, Rachel, have lied this week to
your husband and others 93 times?!

That's just not true!

94 times!

You've been unkind 20 times,
criticized others 40 times,

and not said "thank you" twice?!

Captain,

We're in love.

When you signed up
for this tour of duty,

you agreed to abide by the moral code
selected for this ship.

So we're all supposed to
live the Mega Core dream,

where the married stay married,
and sons call their fathers, "Sir!"

and everyone eats lots of
homemade apple pie!

You got it - so start squirting
your whip cream on apple pie,

and not on one another's
body parts!

Hey!

Good job on the foot, Bud!

Even managed to save the boot!

We've gotta think
of a way to get out of here.

Nah, just give me like 10 minutes.
I'll bet I come up with a plan.

I get great ideas all the time.
I just don't say 'em out loud!

You say everything
you think out loud.

I'm like that inventor guy -
b-begins with "R".

Rosenthal?
Sidney Rosenthal?

Who?

Invented the magic marker.

Magic marker?!

The guy I'm talking about
is real!

He ain't no wizard out of
a book with his magic pen!!

Inventor guy.
Begins with an "R"...

I-I-I got it!
I got it!

The inventor guy I'm like!

Begins with "R"!

Who?

Archimedes!

Archimedes.

Archimedes!

The guy that sat under trees
and invented stuff!

That was Newton.

You never heard this story?

So, one day Archimedes
is sitting under a tree.

The all of a sudden
out of nowhere,

this bath hits him on the head

POW!!

And he gets up, shouts "formica",
and invents gravy!

It was Newton who was sat
under the tree.

And he discovered gravity

when he got hit on the
head by an apple.

An apple can't concuss ya!

That ain't gonna make you
stagger around,

shout "formica"
and invent gravy!

Formica is a heat-resistant,
wipe clean, plastic laminate.

Who'd shout "formica"?

It doesn't make any sense.

No one shouts "formica"!

You get hit on the
head with a bath,

everyone shouts "formica"!

Look, Archimedes discovered

something to do with
water displacement

when he was sat in the bath,
and he shouted "eureka!"

So,

Mr. Ellen Einstein,

Answer me this:

Who invented gravy?
No one?

Did it just magically
appear one day

like your stupid wizard pen?!

Gotta have some pain killers.

Okay, listen.

Answer me this:

How does a bath
fall out of a tree?

A plane, dummy!

Taking off!

They probably forgot
to shut the back door!

And the bath slid all the way
from first class.

WHOOSH!

Through the curtains,
into business -

WHOOSH!

Through the curtains,
into premium -

WHOOSH!

Through the curtains,
and straight into the poor people section.

Who incidentally,

probably still haven't
even had a bag of peanuts,

while the dudes in first
have already eaten,

watched a movie,
and are all now having a bath!

Meanwhile Arcie's
sitting under his tree.

CLANG!

Invents gravy.

And because everyone's
so damned happy

because everybody
loves gravy, right?

They gave him a special hat
to wear at night

to cover up the bruising!

Special hat?

They gave him a knighthood.

A "knight" "hood".

Not a special hat to wear
at night to cover up the bruising!

Man,

I try to teach you stuff...
I don't know why I bother!

What's that saying?!

You can lead a hearse to water,

but you can't make it sink!

K-Kryten!!!

Help!!!

720 meters, Sir.

The ship's nearly
at crush depth.

The Karma Drive is controlling
everything on board.

We have to be kind
to one another

to stand any chance to save
Mr. Lister and Mr. Cat!

An excellent suggestion, Kryten.

That's very insightful of you

to make such a
helpful recommendation,

and I thank you greatly.

Static!!

I was complimenting you!

Why did it punish me?

Perhaps it wasn't genuine, Sir.

I've got to be genuinely nice?

Oh, this is impossible!

Oh dear.

What?

I think I know what
killed the crew, Sir.

The ship's quantum motherboards

are power loading
to flash-heat the ship!

We're going to get
flash heated?!

How long have we got?!

I'm not sure, Sir.

Ugh.
Why am I asking you?

Someone with a head
shaped like something

produced in a
geriatrics pottery class?

The power loading
has stopped, Sir!

The temperature's cooling?

Why?

Of course!
That's it!

Man, she was the
greatest soldier in history!

Led her people to victory!!

Julie Caesar.

Kryten!
Thank God!!

Thank God!

No one should have to
suffer like this!

He's right!

If I wasn't there
for him to talk to

he'd probably have gone crazy!

Kryten, man!
It's so good to see ya!

Sir!
Stop!

Stop what?!

You stand there with your
1970s cover band haircut,

and I say to you:
Don't be nice to me!

We know what happened to Barker,

And Green!

What happened to you?

Your hair's insane!

I went to the ship's salon
for a makeover

look what the
robo-stylist did to me.

Yeah - similar thing happened
to me at the dentist.

Every chance it gets,
the Karma Drive

is punishing us.

The showers are freezing,
the air con is icy,

I had to wait
2 hours yesterday....

Have you tasted the food?

Jim!
I can't take this anymore!

We've got no choice.

Yes we do.

I am a computer scientist,
for God's sake!

If I can access
the KD's mainframe,

then perhaps I can
reverse the protocol.

Give us some respite.

Even if it is
only for one night.

Reverse?

So it rewards the unethical
and punishes the good?

Just one night.

Then, we'll stop
seeing each other,

'til we get back home.

Barker and Green reversed
the protocols,

and as a consequence,
good behavior was punished

and immoral behavior
was rewarded!

Kryten just figured it out.

Saved all our necks.

Kryten, if you weren't
so ugly, I could kiss you.

Well, you could
shake my hand, Sir.

Still too ugly.

You see?
Unkindness rewarded.

This is all beginning
to make sense.

I mean, think back.

I mean the Cat, nicked the money
out of orphans' fund,

to play the one armed bandit,

And I won the jackpot!

You were rewarded for stealing.

And I put the winnings
back into the orphans' can,

and got me locks caught
in the shredder!

You were punished
for being benevolent.

I saved him,
and got a knife in my foot!

I fixed his foot,

And he got to spend
quality time with me!

Moving swiftly on...

Who reversed
the protocols and why?

Well, best guess -

Green and Barker
were having an affair

and wanted to
spend time together.

How sad is that?

I mean basically
their love for one another

brought down the entire ship.

One thing I don't understand,

Well, actually there are about
40 things I don't understand.

How come Green and Barker

weren't flash-heated
with the rest of the crew?

While the rest of the crew
survived by acting immorally,

Green and Barker
realized they could escape,

so long as that escape
was unethical.

So they took the ship's
only escape pod and fled!

And then they went into
cryo-sleep for millions of years.

Where they were safe!

But when they tried to warn us
about the Karma field,

an act of kindness...

The Karma Drive
had them vaporized.

So where does that leave us?

It leaves us getting the hell
out of here really carefully!

We just have to
remember to avoid

being honest, moral, kind,
selfless, and helpful.

That's not fair.

You've got such an advantage!

Hey, what's that?

Fuel Tax, miss three goes.

Hey!

How come you got so many

Mineopoly cards in your pocket?!